Plastered Paradox

Chapter 12

"Alright," Jaune began. "When was the last time you actually tried to pick up a man?"

Raven let out an irritated huff. "Oh, please. Like I've ever needed to pick up a man. In the past, they've flocked to me."

"Bird pun intended?" Cinder asked, which earned her a glare.

"No, but really," Jaune emphasized. "Do you know what you're doing when it comes to enticing people to fuck you?"

"What kind of question is that?" Raven demanded. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Have you looked at me? I'm wicked hot."

"You're a thirty-year-old bandit who's already pushed out one kid, and you're still wearing a miniskirt," Qrow deadpanned. "I'm pretty sure I can still see bullet holes on you, Rae."

"They make me look rugged. Some men like that."

"You'll find that they're in the minority."

"Quick question," Jaune interrupted. "Why are you still here, Qrow?"

Qrow shrugged. "Eh. Someone has to babysit you all, and it's either me or the fifteen-year-old. Between those two options, I think I can do a better job."

"Is that a bet?" Cinder asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Tell you what, kid – if you can ever get to a point where you can actually control Raven, I'll do something for you. I dunno, buy you an ice cream, maybe."

"Is that supposed to entice me?"

"Sure? I thought kids loved ice cream."

"I've never had it."

Qrow stared at her, then looked to Jaune, who shrugged. "Abusive ex-household, and all that."

"Can we focus?" Raven asked impatiently as she tapped her foot on the ground. She motioned all around her. "We're already in the nightclub, so this should be pretty easy."

"Spoken like somebody who's never tried to pick up a drunk idiot at a club before," Qrow lamented with a shake of his head. "I'll let you in on a little secret, Rae – it's harder than you think. A lot harder than you think. Like, you have no idea."

"Well, I suppose you would have personal experience when it comes to drunk idiots, wouldn't you?"

"Somehow I knew you were gonna go there."

"Look, you three morons just stand back and let me do my thing, would you?" Raven said. "Trust me, I'll have my legs spread and be giving some poor sod the ol' Amazon position in like five minutes."

"Whatever you say," Jaune said dismissively. Raven flipped him off and stormed off into the crowd that was on the dance floor. He couldn't help but note that she'd been flipping him off a lot recently. Maybe that meant she liked him.

"So," Jaune began, "what's the over-under on this being an absolute disaster?"

"Dude, I will be extremely surprised if this club isn't on fire in the next three minutes," Qrow said.

"Hm. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose."

"What was that?"

"Nothing." Jaune turned towards Cinder. "You're the expert when it comes to burning down buildings. How flammable would you say this one is?"

"Fuck you," Cinder deadpanned. "But if you must know, I'd say very, considering it's packed full of furniture and people, both of which are extremely flammable. We should probably find the fire exits while we still can, because I do not like the idea of being trampled underneath a crowd of panicking people."

"Good idea. Let's move."

Meanwhile, Raven stepped through the crowd, searching for someone who would make a suitable conquest for the night. She wouldn't settle for just anyone, either – he had to be tall, strong, and confident.

Basically, an absolute fuckboy. Preferable one with blue eyes, blonde hair, a bit of scruff, and a wit quick enough to trade barbs with her.

She paused, then blinked when she realized who she was describing. The thought crossed her mind, and she couldn't help but blush at it.

Admittedly, it wasn't as horrible as she'd once thought the idea would be… but that was going to be her absolute last resort. Still, the fact that she was even considering it in the first place meant that she was either very desperate or that, against all odds, he really was making an impression on her.

She'd just have to make sure that it wasn't necessary to actually pursue it, then.

She continued to move through the crowd, keeping an eye out for someone who looked appealing to her. Finally, she saw someone – a tall, musclebound man sitting at the bar, drinking bourbon. He was almost everything she wanted, which was to say that he clearly looked like an absolute fuckboy, although unfortunately he was a ginger instead of blonde… but still, she was desperate; she could make an exception for tonight.

And so, she sidled up to him and rested her arms on the bar counter at his side, taking care to point angle herself in such a way that her chest was pointed out towards him.

"Hey, there," she said, doing her best to make her voice sound as sultry as possible.

The man turned towards her, blinking in surprise. "Sorry, do I know you?"

"No. Did you want to?"

He eyed her up and down, a smirk growing across his face. Oh, yes – she could tell that he liked what he saw, because who wouldn't?

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Raven," she said as she sat down in the seat next to him. "You?"

"Jay Winchester."

"Hm. Buy me a drink, Jay?"

"Oh, I don't know about that. Didn't I see you come in with two other guys earlier?"

Raven rolled her eyes. "Believe me, those two guys are morons. One is my brother, and the other… well..."

"Sir, excuse me, but you're blocking a fire exit."

Jaune stared at the floor manager incredulously. "How am I blocking the fire exit?"

"Well, you're standing right in front of it."

"Well, yeah, but obviously I'm not going to be blocking it if a fire actually breaks out. If that happens, I'm actually going to move, because I don't want to burn to death."

"I understand that, but-"

"Look, all I'm saying is that if you have legs and are flammable, then you cannot ever be blocking a fire exit." Jaune paused for a moment. "...Unless you're a table."

"This is the dumbest thing you've ever argued with somebody over," Cinder deadpanned.

"Not my fault he's just wrong."

"...Like I said, he's an idiot," Raven said.

Jay brought a hand up to rub at his mustache. "Hm… alright, sure. I suppose there'd be no harm in it."

He ordered her a double bourbon, which she quickly knocked back in one go before slamming the glass back on the counter. Jay blinked, then ordered her another one without missing a beat.

"So," he began. "Tell me about yourself, Raven."

She cocked an eyebrow. "Is that necessary? I want to fuck you, not get to know you."

"Would you believe me if I told you that I find it way hotter if I know a thing or two about the women I bed?"

"That's weird as shit, but who am I to judge?" She shook her head. "I live in the middle of nowhere, a backwoods forest in the middle of the Mistralian wilderness. I'm a bandit queen. My name is Raven Branwen, I am thirty-one years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and in doing so by taking from other people. In the morning, if I'm hungry, I'll go out and knock over a nearby small town so I can steal their livestock – I can eat three cows by myself now. After I'm done eating, I like to wet my sword with the blood of the innocent."

"That's quite the life you live," Jay noted.

"Indeed. Does it make you horny?"

"Vaguely so, yes. I enjoy sleeping with strong women – it's always good to get into a contest with them and see who comes out on top. Spoiler alert: It's always me."

"Ha! We'll see about that." Raven knocked back her bourbon, then leaned back in her seat, her arms crossed and a smug grin on her face. "So, how about you?"

Jay shrugged. "I'm just a simple man trying to make his way across Remnant. I enjoy hunting Grimm and sleeping with beautiful women."

"Man of simple tastes, eh? I can respect that – at least you know what you want."

"Indeed. Now, I suppose time's a-wasting."

"I suppose it is. Shall we?"

"Yes. Just let me finish my drink first."

Raven motioned for him to hurry up, and he did, raising his glass to his lips. As he did so, something caught her eye – a distinctly discolored patch of skin on his left ring finger. Seeing it, her eyes narrowed. She suddenly reached out and grabbed his hand, then pulled it closer to herself so she could get a better look.

"Hey!" Jay protested as he accidentally spilled his drink all over himself. "What the hell?! That was good bourbon, too!"

Raven glared at him, then motioned to his hand. "What the hell is this?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"That patch of skin on your ring finger. It looks very similar to the indentation left by a wedding ring to me. Wouldn't you agree?"

Jay huffed. "Oh, please. You really think someone would do that? Just take their wedding ring off, then go into a bar and try to sleep with random women?"

"So you're saying if I pin you down and search through your pockets right now, that I won't find a wedding ring on you?"

Jay instantly clammed up. Raven's eyes narrowed, and she let out a heavy sigh. "You know, Jay, I'm not a very complicated woman. I don't have a lot of things that I outright hate. But one of those things I truly do outright hate? Well, it's cheaters. You know what we do to cheaters where I come from?"

"What?" Jay asked, fear leaking into his tone.

Raven smirked. "I'm so glad you asked."

Minutes later, the four of them stood outside on the street, watching as the nightclub was engulfed in flames. Cinder furrowed her brow.

"Jaune, how come whenever we go somewhere even vaguely nice, it burns to the ground?"

"Good question," Jaune answered. "Honestly, I'd be more inclined to think about why that is if I wasn't currently basking in the fact that I was right, and that floor manager was wrong. Did I not tell him that if the building caught on fire, that I would be the first one out, and therefore could not be blocking the fire exit?"

"That's not funny, Jaune," Qrow chastised. "I haven't seen that guy leave the building yet, he could still be trapped inside, burning to death in agonizing pain."

"Yeah, well, he should have taken my advice, because then he wouldn't be quite so charred." Jaune pulled out his scroll and checked the time. "Anyway, we were in there for a grand total of like six minutes, just so you're all aware. I'm letting you know because that's the record to beat the next time we have to go somewhere."

"Good to know," Raven said. "Shall we continue on to the next club?"

The three others exchanged a glance, then looked back at her. "Uh, no?" Qrow ventured.

"I still haven't gotten laid," Raven pointed out. "You all know I can't go back to the tribe without a conquest."

"Yeah, well, that one was so painful to watch that we're keeping you far away from any members of the opposite sex," Jaune told her.

"Then how do you intend to get me laid?"

Again, the three of them exchanged a glance. Jaune suddenly let out a heavy sigh, then stepped forward.

"You want sex so bad?" he asked. "Alright. Let's do it, Raven. Me and you."

Raven stared at him in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"I am," he insisted. "Let's think about it – you've got absolutely zero game. Qrow and Cinder aren't options. Who does that leave? Well, it leaves yours truly. So, what do you say we stop beating around the bush and get this done properly?"

"You're awfully quick to volunteer for this."

"Someone has to do it, otherwise Salem wins. Are you interested or not? Let me know now, because we don't exactly have much time to waste."

"Why on Remnant would I agree to this?" Raven demanded.

"Well, you get laid, and you get to tell people that I'm your conquest, whatever that means," Jaune pointed out.

Raven brought a hand up to her chin. "Hm… you know, that is a tempting offer… and it does help that you're my type…"

"What type is that?" Cinder asked. "The fuckboy type?"

"You have no idea how wrong that sounds coming from you," Jaune deadpanned.

"Very well," Raven announced. "Let's do it, Jaune."

Jaune blinked, surprised. "Uh, okay. Didn't think you'd actually-"

That was as far as he got before Raven grabbed his hand, tore open a portal, and shoved him through. Jaune found himself landing in front of Roman Torchwick, who was in the middle of brushing his teeth. The two of them stared at each other, then Jaune raised a hand.

"Yo."

Roman spat out the toothpaste in his mouth, then rolled his eyes. "Let me guess – you need Ozpin for this?"

"Yup."

"Hold on."

Roman closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they'd changed colors. Jaune waved again.

"Hey, Oz."

"What's this about?" Ozpin asked.

"We're gonna need a room."

"We?"

Raven stepped through the portal next. Ozpin stared at her for a moment, then let out a tired sigh. "Yes, of course… I suppose you can take Roman's room. Not like he's using it for anything other than sleeping."

"I heard that!" Roman suddenly announced.

"Well, it's true."

"Is this actually important, or are you just trying to get your dick wet?" Roman demanded.

"It's actually very important," Jaune insisted. "That fate of the world rests upon this nookie, if you can believe that."

Again, Roman rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Whatever… just clean the sheets once you're done, because I'm not sleeping in that bed if it's unwashed."

With that, he left the room, leaving Jaune and Raven alone in his bathroom. Raven wasted no time in grabbing Jaune, pulling him into the bedroom, and then throwing him onto the bed. Jaune had barely landed on the mattress back-first when she climbed on top of him, straddling him, a sultry look on her face. He blinked, surprised.

"You know, you're a lot more into this than I thought you'd be."

"Can you blame me?" she asked. "This is the first action I'm getting in years. Don't ruin it."

"Sure, sure. So, how do we want to-"

She suddenly lunged forwards, pressing her lips against his. Jaune was taken off-guard, but after a moment, he had to admit that it did feel nice, even if it was being done purely out of desperation. After a moment, Raven pulled away, then gave him another sultry look.

"I'm gonna take you for a ride, boy," she growled. "Hope you're ready to have your hip adjusted tomorrow morning."

Suddenly, Jaune got the feeling that he'd made a terrible mistake.

When Jaune woke up the next morning, it was to pain everywhere. His entire body was sore all over. He let out a low groan, then cracked open his eyes, and was astounded at what he saw.

"Oh, man… hope Roman's not renting this room, because he is absolutely going to lose his security deposit."

That was an understatement, if anything – the room was in complete shambles. Shelves had been knocked over, their contents that weren't broken spread out across the ground. Furniture was overturned and stained with miscellaneous fluids. Apparently, they'd even opened his closet, removed his clothes, formed them in a big pile on the floor, and then fucked on top of them, just because they could. The only thing that was completely untouched was a family photo – for lack of a better term – of Roman and Neo, where the two of them were grinning widely over a pile of unconscious bank guards with the caption 'Neo's first felony' written across the frame.

Jaune had to admit that despite the obvious wrongdoing, it was sweet to know that Roman at least knew how to keep his kind-of daughter happy.

"Eugh…" Jaune managed to groan out as a fresh wave of pain radiated through him, causing him to shudder. "Shit, last night must have been something…"

He turned to his side and found Raven leaned up against him, one arm thrown around his chest, pulling him close. She was as naked as he was, but despite that, she was sleeping very peacefully.

Jaune had to admit to himself that, despite the obvious pain and destruction, the night hadn't exactly been bad.

Shame it'd never happen again, though.

"Hey, Rae," he said, snapping his fingers in front of her face. "Wake up. We've got stuff to do."

Raven stirred slightly, then cracked open a red eye to stare at him. "What are you waking me up for? Let me bask in the afterglow for a bit longer."

"I'd love to, but we have to clean this up," Jaune emphasized. "Because if we don't, Roman is going to go ballistic."

"So?"

"So, I'd rather keep him happy, since he's actually been surprisingly helpful."

"...Five more minutes."

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Fine. Five more minutes."

"Mm… you know, I actually had a good time," Raven said. "You're more experienced than I thought you'd be."

"I get that it's funny to pull the whole Jaune's-a-virgin thing, but seriously, I've had sex before," Jaune pointed out.

"Who was your first?"

"Some Atlesian MILF," Jaune said. "I was, like, nineteen, I think?"

"That sounds like quite the story."

"It's actually fairly boring. I was helping out around Atlas like a good little Huntsman – you know, stuff like helping old ladies across the street, serving as a crossing guard for kids, slaughtering the creatures of darkness before they had a chance to consume the innocent… the usual. Anyway, one of the single moms saw me working the crosswalk one day and invited me back to her house for tea, since it was cold out. One thing led to another, and we ended up in bed. It was just a quick, one-time thing; I don't even remember her name. But that was my first. What about you?"

Raven cracked one eye open. "Taiyang."

"Of course," Jaune said dryly. "I'm not surprised. You two were quite good together, you know."

"It only seemed that way from the outside," Raven huffed. "I wasn't good for him and I knew it."

"Is that part of why you ran away?"

"Yup. I'm a bandit queen, not a housewife. Trying to make me into one was the biggest mistake either of us ever made."

"Do you ever regret it?" Jaune asked. "Running away, I mean."

"Sometimes," Raven admitted. "There were happy moments – everything to do with Yang, mainly. But I wasn't about to take her with me – no way was I going to bring her into that life, plus taking her away from Tai would have destroyed him."

"How altruistic of you," Jaune deadpanned.

"She's getting a better life than I could ever give her," Raven argued.

"Still, you should talk to her," Jaune advised. "One day, she's going to find out the truth, you know, and then it's going to be a disaster for everyone. You might as well nip that in the bud before it becomes an issue."

"Is this your future knowledge talking again?"

"Eh, it's a little of that and a little common sense. Point is, she deserves to know, and you both need the closure. And if she wants you to be a part of her life afterwards… well, you ought to take advantage."

"And if it bothers whoever I happen to be with?"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "If they're bothered by that, then you shouldn't be with them, because that'd make them a scumbag."

"Hm… admittedly, you have a point," Raven conceded. "Alright, I suppose I'd best reach out to Tai and Summer once I have the chance. You know, you're a decent guy, Jaune. Completely insane and drunk all the time, but decent."

Jaune blinked, surprised. "Uh, thanks."

The door suddenly came flying open and Roman stepped in, followed by Cinder and Qrow. Upon seeing the state of his room, he recoiled like he'd been struck.

"What the fuck?!" he shouted. "Jaune!"

"Believe me, I know," Jaune said, sitting up. Next to him, Raven opened her eyes again to glare at the three newcomers. "We're working on it."

"No, you're not! What the hell is this?!"

"Raven was very pent-up," Jaune specified.

"Yeah, I get that, but come on! Did you guys do it everywhere or something?!"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Fucking…" Roman shook his head. "You know what? I'm not gonna let this get to me. You two are trying to kill my good vibes, and it's not going to work. Instead, I'm just going to clean up all this by myself, so you idiots can't make it any worse, and then I'm going to go back to babysitting the kiddos."

"You're still doing that?" Jaune asked, surprised.

Roman hesitated. "...I may have convinced Tai and Summer to let me keep looking after them for another week… not that it took much convincing after they were so rudely interrupted by you all."

"Are you getting sentimental?" Jaune asked, amazed. "I didn't think you liked kids."

"I don't, but Yang and Ruby are the exception… and Neo, of course… and Cinder, I suppose."

"Good to know I'm included," Cinder deadpanned. "Are we done here, then? Because we should probably get going if we are."

"Yeah," Raven grunted as she threw the covers off herself and stood up. "We're done here."

Everyone immediately recoiled and covered their eyes except for Jaune. "Rae!" Qrow protested.

Raven rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on. It's nothing none of you haven't seen before."

"That doesn't mean we want to see it again! Put some clothes on!"

"I will, just give me a minute."

Jaune opened his mouth to say something but was immediately cut off by Jacques Schnee's pants hitting him in the face.

"You get dressed, too," Raven said with a huff. "Cinder doesn't need to see what you're packing under the covers."

"Alright, I'm leaving the room," Cinder announced. Still covering her eyes, she turned and left through the door. "Come get me when you're no longer naked and you've all decided that we're ready to go back to Mistral, or whatever."

Once she was gone, Jaune got dressed and slid Crocea Mors back into place, then straightened out his collar and looked back to Raven. "Alright," he said. "We ready?"

Raven finished pulling on her boot, then stood up and nodded. "As we'll ever be."

"Open it."

Raven nodded, then tore open a portal. She went to step through it, but at the last moment, hesitated and looked around Roman's room once more. It could have just been a trick of the light, but Jaune could have sworn that he saw a look of longing flash across her face just before she stepped through the portal.
Whatever the case, he followed after her, intent on finishing up in Mistral before it was too late.

I didn't originally intend to throw in the Mitch Hedberg fire exit bit but the opportunity came up and I took it. I'm not sorry.

Anyway, sorry for the wait on this one, I've had a lot going on these past few weeks. It's been very busy. That's not an excuse as much as an explanation, but still. I will take my inbound obscenities like a man.

I have a new story out, by the way - if you've read my demon!Cinder story, Cinders and Sins, it's a similar premise to that, where Jaune summons demon!Cinder, only this time it's played straight. I like to think of it as being similar to my original story, I Accidentally Summoned the Demon Queen, only, you know, played completely straight and hopefully executed better than that one was. Not to say that I dislike how that story turned out or anything, but you get the idea, I'm sure. Anyway, you can find the new story on my profile - it's called Darkbloom. Only one chapter out so far, but the next one's in the works and will hopefully be out soon-ish.

But it's here - these two morons finally boned, and predictably, it ended in the room being destroyed and/or covered in baby batter. Is anyone really surprised? Jokes aside, now we can begin the pairing in earnest. I'm hoping to make it as stupid as the rest of this story is, but also have it actually be somewhat wholesome, or as wholesome as anything involving Raven can be. That's probably a tall order because Raven in general is the complete opposite of wholesome, but I'll give it my best shot.

Besides that, I've got nothing else. Hope you all enjoyed, and once again, sorry for the wait.

Enjoy my work and want to help me out a bit? You can support me, as well as read more of my writing, over on Amazon. My first original story is available for purchase now, you can find it by going on Amazon and searching for 'I Accidentally Summoned the Demon Queen' by John Haruspex. The story is available now for three bucks in ebook format (or free with Kindle Unlimited) or twelve bucks in paperback format, if you prefer physical media.

www . amazon dp/ B0BLFL72MX