Plastered Paradox

Chapter 17

Jaune awoke with a groan, sitting up as he rubbed his head.

"Fuck me…" he breathed. "The hell happened? Did I get drunk and try fist-fighting a train again?"

He looked around the room, frowning as he did so. He was in a hospital of some kind, which was no good; a Huntsman of his caliber being sent crawling to the hospital was just embarrassing.

Then again, he had taken a bolt of Maiden lightning directly to his chest, courtesy of his one-time bandit queen fuckbuddy.

"I can only assume that me being in this hospital instead of being a prisoner in Salem's castle means that we didn't completely lose."

Jaune disconnected the IV from his wrist, then healed himself with a brief pulse of his Semblance. With that done, he stood up and looked around for his clothes, and found them slung over the back of a nearby chair. He removed the hospital gown he'd been wearing and reached for his clothes.

And naturally, at that exact moment, the door opened, and the rest of his group stopped mid-conversation as they saw him standing there naked. Jaune stared back, unwilling to make a move.

"You know, we really need to stop doing this," he said as Cinder hurriedly covered her eyes. "You people need to start knocking before you enter any room I'm in, just in case I'm naked in there."

"Perhaps you should make a habit out of getting naked less," Raven advised.

"You certainly don't seem to mind when I'm naked."

"That's different. I just don't want anyone else laying a claim on you."

"Who the hell would be stupid enough to do that? Qrow? I thought we established that he's only into fat chicks."

Qrow rolled his eyes. "Just get dressed, you drunken ass. Cinder and I will be waiting in the lobby."

With that, Qrow and Cinder walked off, leaving just him and Raven. Jaune shrugged, then began to pull on his clothes.

"So, judging by the fact that we're all still alive, I take it we didn't lose?" Jaune asked as he finished putting on Jacques Schnee's pants and reached for his shirt.

"You could say that," Raven answered. "Rachel's dead and I have the Spring Maiden's power. Hazel and Tyrian got away. Mistral lost a lot of good people to the Grimm, but they did manage to hold them off… mostly."

"Mostly? What do you mean by mostly?"

"Well, there were some spots that got hit pretty hard, downtown Mistral for one."

"For real? Damn."

"I know, it's quite the tragedy."

"What? No. No, I owed a life debt to some bartender in downtown Mistral. I hope that dude's still alive to cash it in, otherwise my life debts are going to start becoming worthless."

"Well, life debt or not, the Spiders got pretty much wiped out," Raven said, crossing her arms. "I think Lil' Miss Malachite got away, which makes sense – she's more of a fat cockroach than a spider, and we all know how resilient cockroaches are – but the rest of them? Yeah, turbo-fucked."

"Damn. Moment of silence for the dude with the philosophy degree; he's working at the great Schneebucks in the sky, now."

Jaune finished dressing himself, then strapped on Crocea Mors and turned back to Raven. "Alright, let's collect our unruly child and also Cinder, then figure out where to go next."

They found Cinder and Qrow waiting in the lobby, watching the news. Cinder turned towards Jaune when she heard his footsteps and crossed her arms.

"Look, the nudist has decided to come grace us with his presence," she said.

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up. But in all seriousness, how are you doing? You're not hurt, are you? Raven told me that attack was pretty intense."

"No, I'm fine, Jaune. Glynda was very careful with me."

"Good. How much action did you see?"

"Enough to know that I'm a lot more capable than I was previously," Cinder told him. "Though I must admit how disappointed I am that I didn't get the Maiden powers."

"Cinder, you're already a moody teenager with a sword who can also superheat things. The last thing we need is to give you superpowers, too. But if it makes you feel better, you can have the next set of Maiden powers."

"Is this really the plan?" Qrow asked. "We're just going to go around and kill all the Maidens, take their powers, and then… what?"

"Well, that should be obvious," Jaune answered. "We need the Relics to stop Salem. That necessitates either recruiting the Maidens to our side, or killing them to take their powers for ourselves. That, in turn, means we're going to need to either start stacking Maiden powers on the two women we do have or recruiting more women to our side."

"I mean, we have Glynda and Summer," Cinder pointed out. "That should be more than enough."

"Please do not put the thought of those two getting Maiden powers into my head," Jaune said with a shudder. "Summer and Glynda are already the scariest women I know, I don't need them to be even scarier. I'd legitimately rather fight Salem naked and unarmed than go against Glynda or Summer with Maiden powers."

Raven raised an eyebrow. "Am I not scary to you?"

"Look, it's hard to be afraid of you when I've been inside you, alright?"

"Fair enough, I suppose."

"Alright, so where's the next stop, then?" Qrow asked. "We've got the Maiden powers, so I take it that you're going to want to get the Relic first?"

"Yup," Jaune said with a nod. "We get the Relic of Knowledge, use it however we need to, and then dump it off with Roman and hope he doesn't pawn it or something."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Cinder asked. "Let's go get this stupid Relic so we can leave Mistral already. I'm tired of this shithole of a Kingdom."

"Honey, I'm home!" Jaune announced as he burst through the front door to Haven Academy.

"Ah!" Lionheart yelped as Jaune and his group stepped inside the school. Lionheart glared at them. "Don't do that! You damn near gave me a heart attack!"

"My bad," Jaune said, as uncaring as possible. "So, what's good, mad lad?"

"Well-"

"Yeah, don't care, gimme that Relic so we can leave."

Lionheart blinked. "...You killed Rachel and took her powers?"

"You're damn right," Jaune said with a nod. "And we had fun doing it, too. Didn't we, Qrow?"

"Maybe all of you did, but I had a terrible time," Qrow lamented. "Seriously, why does that guy keep hitting me in the dick? It'd be easier if he just killed me outright."

"I don't get it," Cinder said aloud. "Does getting hit in the balls really hurt that bad?"

"Yes," Jaune answered. "Trust me, it is very much not fun. It's so unfun, in fact, that I'm going to go ahead and recommend we start teaching you the art of the nut shot, using Lionheart as our test subject."

"W-wait!" Lionheart protested. "Why me?!"

"Well, I'm not gonna sit here and let Cinder hit me in the stones," Jaune pointed out like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And Qrow's been punished enough, what with all the times he's fought Tyrian."

"I can always use Raven," Cinder mused. "Pretty sure she's got bigger balls than you two."

"I can confirm that she, in fact, does not have balls," Jaune said. "But good joke, though. I rate it a solid eight-outta-ten. Would've been higher if not for the fact that I've seen her naked."

"Can we cut to the chase, already?" Raven asked, impatient. "Look, you cowardly lion of a man, we're here for one thing and one thing only. Now are you going to be a problem, or are you going to let us into the Vault so we can take it and leave?"

Lionheart hesitated. "I think-"

"Think hard."

"-That you all make a very compelling argument," Lionheart said, his voice small. "The Vault's underground. Head into the main elevator in the grand hall, remove the plate inside, and then use the hidden button to head down."

"Congrats, Lionheart," Jaune said, "that's officially the smartest thing you've ever done. Now, if you want to top that, I suggest you retire from headmastering and appoint a replacement, preferably someone who won't spend an entire Grimm attack hiding under their desk and sucking their thumb."

"Again, you make a compelling argument. I'm open to suggestions," Lionheart said.

Jaune blinked. "Wow. Uh, I didn't think you'd actually go for it that easily; figured there'd be a lot more kicking and screaming than that."

"You kidding? My school has been attacked by Salem's minions multiple different times in the past couple of days alone. The way I see it, taking my retirement now is a smart move."

"And you're not wrong, but let's make one thing perfectly clear – if you tell anyone about Salem or even think about throwing your lot in with her, I'm going to track you down, and then I'm going to pour hot acid down your throat and dissolve your testicles, and then have Ozpin use his bullshit wizard powers to turn your guts into snakes. I will break into your house and tear your wife in half."

"I'm not married."

"I will find you a nice girl and force you to marry her, then I will tear your new wife in half," Jaune amended. "Message received?"

"Message received," Lionheart said timidly. "But, if I may ask, who exactly did you plan on being my replacement?"

"Hell if I know. Anyone have any suggestions?"

"Vernal," Raven said instantly.

Jaune gave her an incredulous look. "Seriously?"

"Oh, fuck off. You put a sixteen-year-old in charge of Atlas. This is just par for the course. And honestly, it's not like she can do worse than Lionheart. Plus, who else could it be, if not her?"

Jaune shrugged. "Meh. I've certainly heard worse ideas."

"Then it's settled. Glad I thought of it."

At that moment, Jaune realized Lionheart was still standing there, and turned towards him. "Why are you still here? Get out."

Lionheart didn't need to be told twice. He instantly scrambled away, even jumping out of a nearby window in order to get away faster. Everyone watched him go for a moment before Jaune cleared his throat.

"Well, that was fun," he said. "Shall we move on?"

"Whoa…" Cinder breathed. "What is this place?"

"Welcome to the Vault, children," Jaune announced as they stepped out of the elevator. "It's full of magical bullshit where the laws of reality barely apply."

"Yeah, that's nice and all, but we can talk about how that elevator was playing The Girl from Ipanema?" Qrow asked. "Seriously, it really is in every fucking elevator. I bet that if Salem has an elevator in her castle, it'll be playing that fucking song."

"Salem doesn't have elevators in her castle, she's too much of a boomer for that," Jaune said.

"What the fuck is an Ipanema?" Raven asked.

"I think it's that thing where it squirts water up your butt to clean it out," Cinder ventured.

"No, that's an Atlesian shower."

"I'm scared to ask how you know that."

"Let's focus, please," Jaune said, impatient. "Follow me, everyone."

"How do you know where you're going?" Qrow asked as they started walking.

"It's basically a straight line, dude. The only thing we have to worry about is-" Jaune was suddenly cut off when he walked into an invisible barrier with a thud. Annoyed, he rubbed his nose. "-That thing."

"What is it?" Cinder asked.

"It's a magic barrier. We'll need Raven to open it for us."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" Raven questioned.

"I don't know, strip naked and do a dance for it. You're the Maiden here, not me; you know more about this bullshit than I do."

"Good point. I'm gonna blast it with lightning, then."

"Ah, shit, everyone take cover!" Jaune shouted.

They all leaped behind a rock just as Raven raised her hands and pointed them at the barrier.

"Unlimited power!" she said with a cackle as she began to shoot lightning at the barrier.

And just like that, the barrier went down. Jaune hesitantly peeked out from behind cover, then breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the path was now clear. He motioned for Qrow and Cinder to follow after him, and together, the four of them entered the next room.

Once they stepped inside, Cinder blinked, surprised at what she saw. "What is this place?"

"Good question," Jaune answered. "It's basically a whole different dimension. The desert you see stretches out a lot farther than you think."

"How do you know that?"

"Another good question. You see, it all started with a round of Vacuan whiskey…"

"That's a story for another time," Raven grunted. "Let's just go get the Relic. I assume it's that thing on the pedestal, there?"

"Yup," Jaune said, popping the 'P'. "Grab that thing and give it to me so I can use it and prove once and for all that I'm not a complete madman."

Raven did as he asked, swiping the Relic off the pedestal and then tossing it to him. Next to Jaune, Qrow winced.

"Careful," he advised. "That thing is an instrument of the Gods. I'd prefer it not be manhandled."

"What, this?" Jaune said as he bounced the lamp up and down in his hand. "Trust me, this thing's built a lot tougher than it looks. You could probably play kickball with this thing and it'd be fine. Anyway, shall we?"

"Do the honors, I guess," Cinder said, crossing her arms. "Prove to us that you're not completely psychotic."

"If you insist. Jinn."

Time suddenly stopped, except for the four of them. There was a flash of light from out of the Relic, and when it dissipated, Jinn was standing there, looking very perplexed.

"Well, this is a new one," she said as she stared at Jaune. "We aren't supposed to meet for another ten years, give or take."

"Yeah, it's a long story," Jaune conceded.

"Wait, wait, pause," Raven announced. "You do not get to act like this is a normal thing."

"I mean, in the lineup of weird shit I've done, is this really where you want to draw a line?"

"Yes, it is. There's a giant blue lady with huge tits floating in front of us, Jaune."

"Nice of someone to finally notice them," Jinn commented.

"Yeah, yeah. I want an explanation. What's going on, here?"

"That's not one of our questions, by the way," Jaune said as Jinn opened her mouth to respond. "I can answer that one myself."

Jinn pouted, but didn't argue. Jaune nodded appreciatively, then looked back to Raven. He cleared his throat. "Alright, here's the short version – the Gods are real, but they're also a pack of dicks. They're AFK at the moment, but they left these Relics behind. When we gather these Relics, they'll come back and judge us, and if they find us lacking, they'll wipe Remnant clean and start fresh with new people."

The three of them exchanged a glance with each other. "That's quite the bombshell," Cinder acknowledged.

"It's not that big a deal," Jaune insisted. "All we need to do is defeat Salem and convince the rest of the world to play nice with each other. Shouldn't be too hard since we're mostly all united against the Grimm as-is, the only ones we really need to worry about are Menagerie and Atlas. But that's doable, trust me; it's just a matter of convincing them all that they have to play nice with each other if they don't want to get flushed down the proverbial cosmic toilet with the rest of us. Hell, with Ghira and Kali still in power, that should be even easier than it was last time. But anyway, the Gods left the Relics behind so we can actually summon them. Each Relic contains a… patron, I guess is the term? Jinn is the one for the Relic of Knowledge."

"Hello," Jinn greeted with a wave. The other three awkwardly waved back.

"Is this all making sense?" Jaune asked. "Also not a question, by the way."

Jinn pouted again.

"I… guess?" Cinder ventured. "I mean, it's still insane… but I'm quickly learning that when you say something insane, you're generally correct."

"Because I'm not insane," Jaune insisted. He turned to Jinn. "Jinn, show us all how I arrived in the past."

Jinn blinked. "...Is that supposed to be a question?"

"Yes, I thought that was obvious."

"Well, it's not phrased like a question."

Jaune facepalmed. "Jinn, how did I arrive in the past?"

"See, this is kind of a gray area," Jinn noted. "I'm not supposed to give you knowledge of future events, and since that's something that happens in the future, I probably shouldn't be allowed to tell you about it… but you're also here, in the past, so technically, it's not future knowledge. Hm… this is quite the paradox…"

She brought a hand up to rub her chin in thought. Jaune sighed tiredly.

"Look," he began, "I promise I'll let you out of the lamp more frequently, even if I don't have any questions. And no, I won't do it just to save us from sticky situations by stopping time – I know you hate it when people use you to bend the rules. But I kinda need this freebie to show my companions that I'm not some insane moron."

"It's not technically a freebie," Jinn amended. "It'll cost you one of three questions."

"I'm surprised there's still three remaining."

"What can I say, except that the old man hasn't used a question yet this century. You arrived just in time."

"That's another rule, by the way," Jaune said absentmindedly to the other three. "You get three questions every hundred years. Nothing about future knowledge allowed, either, which makes things difficult. We're bending the rules here, but it's fine because I'm technically correct, which is obviously the best kind of correct."

"If you say so," Raven said unevenly, still clearly taken aback by everything she was seeing. "Just show us what you intend to show us, already."

"Very well," Jinn said. "Prepare yourselves."

She snapped her fingers, and just like that, the scene began to change.

"Go, go, go, go, go!"

Jaune finally swallowed the last of his beer, pulling the mug away from his mouth with a loud gasp as he finished his big chug. The others all gave him a massive cheer and round of applause. Yang and Nora came up and smacked him on the back, which was almost enough to bring him down to the floor.

"You go, Vomit Boy!" Yang shouted. "Twenty-seven beers in a row… that's a new record!"

"Should we really be encouraging his alcoholism like this?" Weiss wondered from off to the side.

"Well, if we don't laugh about it, then we'll cry about it."

"...Fair."

"I love you guys," Jaune slurred as he swayed from side to side. "I ever tell you all that?"

"Are you sure you love all of us?" Oscar questioned. "Or just Neo?"

"Wha, Neo? Psh. There's no love there – we're just fuckbuddies for one night only."

"Where is she, anyways?" Blake asked, looking around. "I don't see her anywhere."

"I think I saw her run into the bathroom," Yang said. "Probably to throw up whatever Jaune deposited into her throat, along with all the booze."

"That's nasty, dude," Jaune commented.

"Am I wrong?"

"Probably not, but still. Try to have some standards."

"Oh, you want to talk about standards, Jaune? You just shotgunned several fucking twelve-packs of Vacuan beer by yourself. Where's your standards now?"

"Under the table."

"Yeah, that's what I fucking thought." Yang drained her can of beer, then crushed it against her forehead and threw it at the nearby wall with her mechanical arm. The can went through the wall of the rental house like a bullet, disappearing into the Mistralian forest, never to be seen again. "Anyway, who's up for strip beer pong?"

"I'm way ahead of you," Jaune said as he took off his pants.

Ruby stared at him in surprise. "Why are you taking your pants off?"

"Because it's strip beer pong."

"But you're not supposed to take them off until after-"

Jaune tuned her out because he was too busy tossing his jeans out the nearby window to care. Once they were gone, he stood there for a moment in his boxers, before letting out a content sigh and yanking another bottle of beer out of the cooler.

"Well, this is a fun night," he commented as he ripped off the bottle cap with his teeth and then spat it out on the floor. Weiss was horrified. "I'm glad I decided to come here."

"Why, so you could see us again?" Ren asked.

"That, and because getting blitzed is a lot more fun with friends. For the first time this year, I feel like I'm actually getting drunk for the fun of it instead of just because I'm a sad boy. Hell, I even got laid! Do you know how often that happens, Ren? Not fucking often!"

"Easy there, man," Nora said as she sidled up to him and plucked the bottle from his hands. "I think you've had enough."

Jaune glared at her, then took the bottle back. "I'll decide when I've had enough, thank you. Until then, daddy needs his juice."

He drained the entire bottle, then tossed it out the window.

"What's with you and throwing things out the window?" Blake couldn't help but ask.

"I don't know, it's just that kinda night."

"That's a fair comment," Ruby admitted. "I don't know about all of you, but I'm getting pretty tired. I think I'm gonna go ahead and go to my room, already."

Instantly, Jaune's eyes lit up. "Ooh, were you gonna use your Semblance to get there?!"

"Uh, no? It's like fifteen feet-"

Jaune pouted. Somehow, it had the desired effect. Ruby hesitated, then sighed tiredly. "Alright, you big manbaby, I'll use my Semblance if it'll make you feel better."

"You know what'd really make me feel better?" Jaune asked. "If you let me use my magic fingers and boost you."

"Jaune," Yang warned.

"Not like that!" Jaune insisted. "Seriously. I meant use my Aura amp thingamabob on her. I mean, I've used it on basically all of you, but I can't remember ever using it on Ruby. I think this would be a good experiment."

"Why bring this up now?" Weiss asked.

"Because we're all drunk enough to be curious about it and maybe think it's a good idea."

"He's not wrong," Nora admitted. "Alright, I'm down. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?"

"Depends on how fast she goes and how amped Jaune makes her," Blake interjected. "I mean, what if she manages to go so fast that the fabric of the universe unwinds and she accidentally tears open a black hole that devours all of Remnant?"

"Have you been watching the science channel again?" Yang asked.

"In my defense, we all need a little cosmic, existential dread from time to time to remind us of our place in the universe."

"I thought we got enough of that when Ruby was trying to talk-no-jutsu the Brothers," Ren pointed out.

"I mean, it has been awhile. The novelty of that wore off, so now I need to know about the billion different ways space has to kill us all."

"Yeah, don't care, lemme amp," Jaune said, impatient.

"Only if you'll go to sleep afterwards," Ruby said.

"Yeah, I'll go to sleep super hard, Rubes. Just let me use my magic fingers on you."

"Jaune," Yang warned again.

"Oh, give it a rest, would you?"

Ruby acquiesced, setting her drink down and walking over to Jaune. He rested his hands on her shoulders, and then she looked back at him.

"You ready?" she asked.

"Armed and ready," he answered.

"Alright. Here we go."

Ruby applied her Semblance at the exact same time Jaune poured all his Aura into her. For a moment, nothing happened, but then there was a bright flash of light.
When it cleared, Jaune was gone.

"Well, fuck," Nora announced. "He owed me twenty lien."

The images suddenly cleared, and the four of them found themselves back inside the Vault, standing in front of Jinn. Everyone turned their attention towards Jaune, who grinned sheepishly.

"Uh… I mean, did anyone expect that it wouldn't be incredibly stupid?" he asked.

"I can't believe we just wasted a question on that bullshit," Qrow lamented.

"I don't get it," Raven said aloud. "This seems like it shouldn't have worked. I mean, if you really are a time traveler, this would have created some kind of negative feedback loop or something. That leads me to believe you're a Jaune from an alternate Remnant or something who just ended up dimension-hopping instead of actually traveling back in time."

"Oh no, he's actually from the future," Jinn explained.

"But that makes no sense."

"And dimension-hopping does?"

Raven paused. "...Fair."

"I'm sorry, this is all just so colossally retarded," Cinder announced. "You mean to tell me that the reason Jaune ended up in the past is because he got super wasted?"

"Yes," Jinn confirmed with a nod. "And once he arrived in the past, he proceeded to go on a drunken rampage throughout Remnant, but you all already knew that, so I didn't see a reason to show it."

"Is that really the part that surprises you?" Raven asked. "That's not out-of-character for Jaune at all. Hell, at this point, it'd be weirder if the explanation was actually somewhat normal."

"Why'd he go to the past, though?" Qrow asked.

"He was facing south at the time," Jinn answered.

"That makes even less sense."

"You questioning me, Bird Man?"

"What? No. I'm just saying-"

"Hey, who wants to know Qrow Branwen's browser history?"

"Ooh, that'd be a good use of a second question, actually," Raven said. "I mean, I know that you probably intend to use it to tell us the truth about Ozpin, Jaune, but now that I know you're not lying about being a time traveler and are moderately more sane than I initially thought, I think it's safe to just take anything you say about the future at face value."

"If you say so," Jaune said. "But be honest, you just want to know what kind of degenerate shit Qrow's into so you can make fun of him for it."

"Guilty as charged. I've always wanted to see what kind of embarrassing garbage Qrow spanks it to. I bet there's tons of futa on there."

"What's futa?" Cinder asked.

"Raven, please stop corrupting the youth," Jaune deadpanned.

"She's already been corrupted enough simply by traveling with us, what's a little bit more?" Raven said.

"We're not wasting a question on Qrow's browser history, no matter how embarrassing it is. Not while Cinder's around, anyway"

"Why not? We already know how to beat Salem, since you've already done it, so there's no point in using another question on it. At this point, we might as well just waste the remaining two questions on menial bullshit so she can't use them against us if she ever gets the Relic, which she probably will because we're leaving it with Ozpin."

Jaune paused, blinking in surprise. "...That's a good point, actually."

"Oh, come on!" Qrow lamented. "Seriously, why am I always the butt of every joke in this group? Is it too much to ask that we split the punches evenly between each other?"

"Hey, I take almost as many lumps as you do," Jaune pointed out.

"Raven and Cinder don't!"

"Well, what do you know – I guess chivalry isn't dead."

"That'd be a good question for Jinn, actually," Raven said. "Hey Jinn, is chivalry actually dead?"

"Yes, and women like you killed it," she answered. "You've got one left. Try to make it harder than the last one."

"What's the meaning of life?" Cinder asked.

"Life has no meaning," Jinn responded. "Only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale."

"Oh, there's that existential horror the sexy catgirl was talking about in the flashback," Raven said. "I was wondering when it was going to come back."

"Wait, you think Blake was sexy?" Jaune asked. "Like mother, like daughter, I suppose."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Give it like ten years and you'll find out."

Jinn stretched her arms out. "Anyway, those are your three questions. I can't answer any more, but please do let me out of the lamp every once in awhile, would you? It really sucks, being stuck in there for a hundred years. Just don't do it to save your own ass."

"Sure thing, lady," Jaune said with a nod. "Enjoy your nap, blue boob woman."

There was a flash of light, and then Jinn disappeared back into the lamp. Jaune stared at the lamp for a moment, then hooked it onto his belt and turned back to the others.

"Well, that was enlightening," he said. "Shall we go dump this thing off with Ozpin and figure out our next move?"

"Please," Raven begged. "I want to get out of this shithole of a Kingdom. Mistral sucks; why did I choose to come back here?"

"That would have been a good question for Jinn, you know."

"Gods damn it."

Whoop, whoop, that's the sound of Chapter 17.

And there you all have it – the true explanation behind Jaune ending up in the past, as well as what happened to his pants. I did my best to make it as retarded and nonsensical as I possibly could; hopefully I succeeded. Let me know what you think about it in the review section, I'm eager to read all about it.

Anyway, that's that. We now finally have an explanation as to what happened to get Jaune in the past, the heroes get the Relic, Lionheart gets canned, and Jaune gets naked. All-in-all, a very action-packed chapter, for a given definition of the word 'action'. Really living up to my self-given reputation as a huge shitposter.

But really, I love writing dumb shit like this. I had a ton of fun writing this chapter, as you can all probably tell. I really should do more shitpost stories like this one, because I tend to have the most fun with them. Unfortunately, I also have a compulsion to do serious work, but it is what it is. Maybe I'll do another comedic original at some point, IDK. My plate's pretty full at the moment but we'll see what the future holds.

Obligatory gun post: I love the M1 Carbine. It's super light and handy, and the .30 carbine is basically a rimless .357 magnum, which means recoil is really mild out of a rifle-length barrel. I just wish the guns were more reliable. I just did a deep clean on mine and I'm really hoping that gets it to run reliably at the range, because let me tell you, that bitch was dirty. I also wish .30 carbine ammo was less expensive, because it quite literally costs me as much as .308 to shoot, which is fucking crazy. The days of cheap milsurp ammo are basically over, unfortunately, so .30 carbine has become a boutique cartridge that's actually pretty expensive since it's only used by a few guns in existence. You'd think the M1 Carbine being the most-produced American small arm of WW2 would make it more common, but I guess not. Not that it really matters for me since I don't shoot mine all that often, but still. It's a really cool gun with a lot of history behind it and I wish I could afford to shoot it more often.

At least my Garand and M14 can basically always be fed, since .308 and .30-06 aren't going anywhere, even if the ammo is steadily getting more expensive year after year. This is why I like shotguns so much – 00 buckshot is always going to be manufactured for a relatively reasonable price, so you don't have to worry about not being able to get ammo or having to pay an arm and a leg for shells. Reminds me that I should also shoot my Benelli M4 more often, too…

Anyway, that's about all I've got. Hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time!

Enjoy my work and want to help me out a bit? You can support me, as well as read more of my writing, over on Amazon. My first original story is available for purchase now, you can find it by going on Amazon and searching for 'I Accidentally Summoned the Demon Queen' by John Haruspex. The story is available now for three bucks in ebook format (or free with Kindle Unlimited) or twelve bucks in paperback format, if you prefer physical media.

www . amazon dp/ B0BLFL72MX