Plastered Paradox

Chapter 21

"Okay," Cinder began as her and Jaune laid atop a sand dune and watched the far-off group of Atlesian Specialists. "Remind me again what the plan is, because from what I remember, it's one of those things that has no business actually working, and yet somehow, it's going to work perfectly."

"It's simple, really," Jaune explained. "Qrow and Raven are in their bird forms right now, circling overhead. When the time is right, they're going to transform into their human forms, then swoop in and start attacking. Then I'm going to rush in all awesome-like, knock out anyone who still needs to be knocked out, and then we're going to go and have them make a call to their commanding officer and arrange a little meeting between us."

"Yup, sounds about right," Cinder said with a nod. "Remind me again why we can't just call General Schnee and have her meet with us?"

"Because she doesn't know who I am."

"You can't just introduce yourself as the man who punched her father? I thought she hated her father. Pretty sure that'd be enough to get her to want to meet with you."

Jaune paused. "…Shit, you might be right." After a moment, he shrugged. "Well, too late now."

"What do you-"

"Shhh, it's starting!"

True to Jaune's word, Raven and Qrow transformed back into their human forms and immediately descended upon the Specialists down below. Far-off sounds of panicked screaming and gunfire soon greeted them, and Jaune sighed wistfully.

"Ah, but I love the sound of non-lethal combat in the morning…" he mused. "Anyway, wait here, Cinder – this shouldn't take too long."

"Oh, sure, just leave me behind while you have all the fun," she grumbled. "Don't mind me, I'll just focus on getting the sand out of my pants."

"That's the spirit. Be right back."

With that, Jaune rushed into the fray, Crocea Mors at the ready. Unfortunately, by the time he got there, all the Specialists had been soundly trounced, probably because Raven had frozen them all in blocks of ice.

"Oh, Gods damn it," he lamented as he approached one of them. "Rae!"

"What?" she asked, as innocently as she possibly could given she was Raven. "You didn't specify that you wanted us to leave some for you."

"I thought that was implicit, given that it was my plan," Jaune argued.

Qrow shrugged. "Next time, be more specific."

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Oh, whatever. You two are bigger teenagers than the actual teenager in the group." He shook his head, then approached one of the Specialists. "Hey, buddy. You got a radio around here?"

"T-take whatever you want!" the man cried. "Just keep that… that witch away from me!"

"Now, that isn't very nice," Jaune pointed out. "Just because she can cast elemental bullshit powers and turn into a flying rat, that doesn't make her a witch."

"You didn't hear her battle chatter, man! She threatened to eat my children!"

Jaune turned to her, one eyebrow raised. She shrugged. "I needed to intimidate them somehow," she argued.

"Is that really much of a threat when you technically already eat Jaune's children every night?" Qrow asked.

Raven flipped him off. Jaune sighed and turned back towards the Specialist. "Look man, I'm sorry Raven threatened to pull a Cronus on you, or whatever the fuck it is she did, but this is kinda important. We need to contact your commanding officer."

"Why didn't you just say that?" asked another Atlesian Specialist, who was also frozen in a block of ice. Annoyed, she added, "You could have just come up to camp and asked us if we could facilitate a meeting with you and our C.O., we'd have done it without the asskicking."

"That's surprisingly generous for Atlas," Qrow noted.

"Dude, we've been out in this desert with no human contact for months. Nothing fucking happens around here. All we do is monitor the White Fang all day. At this point, we' d have jumped at the chance to do something to get out of the sand and heat, even if only for a few hours."

"So you'll do it?" Jaune asked, still incredulous.

"Fuck yeah, I will," the Specialist said. "Melt me and I'll get you a meeting with General Schnee right now. Gods know it'd be the most exciting thing to happen to me since I got posted here."

Jaune exchanged a glance with everyone, including Cinder, who had just run up. After a moment, he shrugged again.

"Alright, sure. Raven, if you would?"

Raven hurriedly melted the ice surrounding the Specialist, and the woman gave her a grateful nod before making her way over to the radio.

"Yeah, uh, this is gonna sound weird, but we've got four people here who want to meet the General."

"Your delivery needs work," Jaune noted.

"You're putting me on the spot here, give me a break," the woman hissed. She paused as someone on the other end said something, then turned back towards Jaune. "Yeah, they want to know why they should take the time to meet with you. What should I say?"

"Tell them I've got Jacques Schnee's pants, and unless they want me to purposely spill chocolate pudding on them, they'll give me exactly what I want," Jaune threatened. The Specialist eyed him incredulously, and Jaune added, "The stains will never come out. Just trust me."

"Sure, whatever," she said as she turned back to the radio. "Yeah, he's got Jacques Schnee's pants, and-" She paused as the person on the other end said something. "Well, yes, I'd assume he's the same person-"

And just like that, the line went dead. The Specialist stared at it in disbelief for a few seconds before turning back to Jaune.

"Generally, when that happens, it means whatever we requested has been denied, like that time we asked for an emergency airdrop of lube and condoms," she reported.

"Why did you need an emergency airdrop of that?" Qrow asked.

"Because we're in a desert, it's boring and dry around here. The fuck do you think we needed it for?"

"Well, in any case, seems like that's the end of it," Raven grunted. "Got any other plans for-"

That was as far as she got before the sudden roar of an aircraft engine cut her off. A Bullhead stopped just above them and dropped a rope ladder for them. Jaune stared at it for a moment, then turned back to Raven.

"You were saying?"

A few hours later, the four of them found themselves in an Atlesian forward operating base in international waters, waiting for General Schnee. And to say it was boring was an understatement.

"Holy shit, this sucks," Jaune lamented as he sat upside-down in his chair.

"You're like a small child," Raven chastised. "Do you need constant entertainment, or something?"

"Yes, actually. This is boring as hell, we're just waiting around for the biggest fucking fobbit in the world to come grace us with her presence."

"Need I remind you that we're doing this to try and save the world?" Cinder asked. "We need to meet with Winter and hash out an arrangement with her and the White Fang."

"Need I remind you that just because we're saving the world, that doesn't mean it has to be boring," Jaune countered. "Legitimately, I wish Tyrian was here so I could get some entertainment by beating his ass."

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Raven asked. "Because from what I remember, he was kicking you around pretty good, too."

"Only because he had Hazel helping him. I didn't see you getting double-teamed."

"No, but I had an entire Maiden to myself."

"Yes, but she was a weaboo samurai redneck. The Gods had already cursed her very existence just with those traits, so it wasn't like it was going to be that hard of a fight."

"Children, please," Cinder said. "We ought to be putting on a good show for Winter, lest she think we're all incompetent morons and kick us out."

As if on cue, the door to the room they were in opened, and Winter herself stepped in. Jaune had to admit, it was funny seeing a sixteen-year-old in the General's attire, especially given that she was still trying very hard to look serious the entire time.

Still, this was no time to be laughing at her, not when he needed something from her. No, this was time for Serious Jaune, which was a lot like Competent Jaune, only not drunk.

Granted, that was easier said than done considered he was still seated upside-down, but in his defense it'd been awhile since Serious Jaune had been let out of his proverbial cage.

"General Schnee," he said as he righted himself, then rose to his feet and offered her a hand. "Thank you for meeting with us."

"I had to," she said, taking Jaune's hand and shaking it. "When I heard you were the man who punched out my father, I simply had to meet you. Perhaps this is a bit presumptuous of me, but may I have an autograph?" After a moment, she added, "Two, actually."

"Both for Weiss, I assume?" Jaune asked.

"Naturally."

"My pleasure." Without looking back, Jaune stuck his hand out towards his friends. "Pen me."

"Very poor choice of words," Raven warned as she gave him a pen and a nearby pad of paper.

"And just like that, the serious meeting is ruined," Cinder lamented. "I don't know what I expected from this group. I need to just stop having even the most basic expectations of you people, because you never meet them. If anything, you all have negative tact."

Winter stared at her in surprise. "Excuse me, but are you the adopted child from the hotel that burned down? I thought you were missing."

"Do I look missing to you?"

"So much for tact," Qrow commented.

Cinder elbowed him, then turned back to Winter. "No, but for real, the instant you try and put me back with that woman or her demon daughters, I walk. Not only do I walk, but I walk right over to Salem and offer to join her cause."

"Who's Salem and why should I care?" Winter asked.

"Oh, she's just the ultimate queen of all evil, the one who controls all the Grimm, and is the architect of humanity's misery and constant despair," Jaune said. "Here are your autographs, by the way. I thought about drawing something funny next to them but none of it was age-appropriate so I held off."

"Uh, thanks," Winter said awkwardly as she stuffed the papers inside her pocket. "What was that part about the queen of all evil, again?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. There's an ultimate queen of all evil who's also a Grimm lady who controls all the Grimm and is masterminding the defeat of all the Kingdoms in the world so she may finally rule over the ashes and then challenge the Gods themselves with her power… or something like that. I don't know for sure; her motivations are still pretty fuzzy to me. But I swear I'm telling the truth."

"I believe you, if only because you punched out my father, which means you're already one of the most decent people I know," Winter said.

Jaune blinked. "...That easy, huh? I'll be honest – I was expecting a lot more resistance than that."

"I have no reason to doubt you."

"Then you wouldn't mind getting on a scroll call with Sienna Khan for me? Because we're all – as in, the entire world – absolutely, super, turbo-fucked unless Atlas and Menagerie manage to actually come to terms without killing each other." Jaune paused. "Actually, fuck it, you can all kill each other if you want, just make sure one of you completely wipes out the other. That'd take care of the problem, too."

"Jaune," Qrow chastised.

"Well, it would. Can't have two sides fighting if only one side is left, after all. That's not a recommendation of a course of action, that's just me saying."

"Just connect me to Sienna Khan already, please…" Winter said tiredly.

"Sure thing," Jaune answered. He pulled out his scroll and dialed Sienna's number. It rang for awhile before she finally picked up, much to his dismay.

"Yello?" Sienna asked. For some reason, she was wearing shades and was outside on the beach.

"It's about fucking time," Jaune said. "We've got General Schnee here, by the way. You ready to talk?"

"Define 'ready."

"Are you in the mood to talk?"

"I'm in the mood for something," Sienna said, looking down at herself. Jaune noticed that she was only visible from the neck up, and frowned.

"You're at the beach skinny-dipping, aren't you?" he asked. "I thought we established that you weren't going to do that until after this meeting."

"We did, but then I realized how much of a power move it'd be if I showed up to this meeting completely naked, so I decided to do it anyway."

"You know what? I respect that." Jaune handed the scroll to Winter. "Here, there's a naked tiger on the line for you."

Winter eyed him incredulously, but accepted the scroll. "Hello?"

"General Schnee," Sienna said. "I wish it could say it's a pleasure, but your family name would ruin it."

A vein pulsed in Winter's forehead. "I was under the impression that you wanted to negotiate."

"Mm, I don't know," Sienna drawled. "What do you have to offer?"

"How's this for an opener – you actually come to the table in good faith, and I won't drop some Fire Dust on Mantle."

"Ooh, already with the threats," Sienna said. "Want to know what my response is to that?"

"What?"

There was a pause, and then Winter winced and reeled back.

"What'd you think of that?" Sienna asked.

"Well, if nothing else, it confirms you genuinely are naked right now," Winter said, disgusted. "And here I was, thinking you'd treat this meeting with at least a modicum of respect."

"This meeting makes no difference to me," Sienna pointed out. "If it fails, nothing changes. If it succeeds, we get a truce, which isn't worth much because we're already not doing anything at the moment. You're the one who needs to make this worth my while, not the other way around."

"Need I remind you that I could just have Mantle bombed?"

"You could, but you won't," Sienna said.

"Or so you think," Winter challenged. "Jaune, pass me the red button on that desk."

Jaune looked back to the desk. True to her word, there really was a red button on it. "Do you literally have a bomb Mantle button? Is that what I'm looking at right now?"

"Do you really want to keep testing my patience enough that you find out?"

"Good point," Jaune noted. "Sienna, please don't flash Winter again. I know you don't like her, but that's no reason to not be civil. Besides, we're trying to save the world here, not burn it ourselves."

"One of you idiots needs to just offer the other one something of value, already," Raven said, crossing her arms. "Otherwise this is a complete waste of time. And I hate to say it, Winter, but Sienna is right – she holds all the cards, here."

"Damn it…" Winter muttered. "Alright, fine. What would it take for a truce, Sienna?"

"Now we're talking," Sienna all but purred. "Okay, to start with – no more of your Specialists on Menagerie."

"Fine," Winter conceded. "Anything else?"

"I want a non-aggression pact. We'll leave you alone if you leave us alone. That means no surveillance, no monitoring, no pre-emptive strikes, and the like. In return, we will stop raiding Atlas' supply shipments and assaulting their bases, and generally just stop doing terrorist things. We'll even leave the SDC out of it."

"That's doable, I suppose," Winter said, though it was clear she wasn't happy about it. "What else?"

"We want Atlas to formally reprimand the SDC for its treatment of Faunus, and for Atlas to begin taking steps to protect the Faunus laborers in its employ."

"Honestly, that's well overdue," Winter admitted. "I'll get it done."

"Great. Oh, and one more thing."

"Name it."

"I want Willow Schnee's scroll number."

Winter instantly froze. "...You what?"

"I want Willow Schnee's scroll number," Sienna repeated. "I'm totally gonna send her naked pictures of myself."

"...What, to humiliate her or something? You realize my mother hates my father and the way he runs his business, and she's not at all responsible for the evil things he does?"

"Yes, I realize that – the fact that she's never anywhere to be found during any of his press conferences is proof enough of it. It doesn't take a genius to realize what happened – your father married your mother just for the company and then muscled her out of it. No, I'm not asking for this to humiliate her… I'm doing it because the kids are away, and it's time for me to play."

Winter stared at the scroll in disgust. "Sienna, are you… trying to hit on my mom?"

"What can I say? She's a very attractive woman, and I'm very horny. And I'm sure she's very repressed, since she's married to Jacques Schnee."

"This can't be happening…" Winter said to herself. She turned to Jaune. "Why didn't you tell me she wanted this?!"

"Because this is the first I'm hearing of it," Jaune admitted. "Honestly, though, it's not a bad idea."

"It's not?" Cinder asked, surprised.

"No, if you think about it. We're trying to broker at least a truce between the White Fang and Atlas. If the leader of the White Fang is banging the General of Atlas' mother, well, they're not exactly likely to be hostile towards each other, are they?"

"That's bullshit, but I believe it," Raven said with a nod. "Honestly, kid, it's not a bad idea."

"I am not hooking my own mother up with a terrorist from the White Fang!" Winter protested. "My mother isn't even gay!"

"Neither am I, but Willow Schnee is just hot," Sienna said. "Plus, it's been awhile for her, if she's married to Jacques. You can't deny that having some actual sex for once would do her some good, even if it's with another woman."

"Qrow, you're being awfully quiet," Jaune noted. "Why is that?"

"I'm trying to determine if my Semblance kicked in and ruined everything or if it's somehow staying dormant and everything is going just peachy," Qrow said.

"Honestly, I'm evenly split between both options at this point. This is either going amazing or terribly, and I can't decide which it is."

"All of you can go straight to hell," Winter growled. "We are not doing this."

"Oh, come on," Jaune said. "Sienna's clearly just looking for a quick fuck, and your mother hates your father, anyway. She could honestly probably use some time away, too."

"We can't trust her, that's why! I have no way of knowing that she won't just have my mother executed!"

"Yeah, you do," Raven pointed out. "You know Ghira and Kali Belladonna? Their daughter was in the White Fang, under Sienna's care. Currently, we have eyes on her. I'm not saying we'll ice the girl if things go bad or anything like that, but we can at least refuse to give her back if that happens, and then Sienna will have to deal with an angry Ghira and Kali."

"That's a good point," Sienna agreed. "My hands are already tied – I wouldn't be able to do anything unseemly towards Willow if I didn't want to run into trouble with Ghira and Kali."

"So there's your insurance, basically," Jaune surmised. "Now, can we just finish up these negotiations, already?"

Winter bit her lip. Clearly, she was uncomfortable with this idea, but she was running out of ways to talk them all out of it.

"What about my brother and sister?" she asked. "They need my mother around-"

"That's bullshit and you know it," Jaune said, crossing his arms. "Klein is currently a better mother than your actual mother. But if it bothers you that bad, we can take care of them, too – I know a great babysitter."

"He's gonna be mad that you keep dumping kids off on his doorstep," Raven pointed out.

"Yeah, well, he can get over himself," Jaune said. "We're trying to save the world, the least he can do is entertain a bunch of anklebiters for a bit."

Again, Winter bit her lip, but clearly, she had run out of ways to oppose them. Finally, she let out tired sigh.

"...Your terms are agreeable," she said, an air of finality creeping into her tone.

"Great," Sienna said. "I'll put out the word to my men immediately that there are to be no further attacks on any of Atlas' forces, and that the SDC is to remain unmolested."

"And I will begin doing what I need to do to ensure that your demands are met," Winter agreed. "It's official, then – we now have a truce."

Jaune clapped his hands. "Great, so now that we're all one big, happy family, there's just the matter of what we need."

"You're kidding," Winter deadpanned.

"It's nothing major, I assure you," Jaune emphasized. "I just need to borrow the thing that Atlas is using as a power source, because there's an evil witch who wants it even more than I do, so I'm stealing it before she can steal it. Also, before I can do that, I need to put an old lady out of her misery, but it's okay because she'll totally understand the necessity behind it, plus she's like ancient, and at this point I'm pretty sure she's just waiting for the Gods to take her like most really old people are. Seriously, can you imagine that your entire existence is just dementia and shitting yourself periodically? I'd want to be put out to pasture, too. Not that I'm implying I'm going to live past sixty or anything – between the alcohol and the Huntsman lifestyle, there's no way I'm making it to retirement age. Anyway, with all that established, would you mind letting us in to see Fria?"

Winter Schnee just stared at him, her expression unreadable. She looked very uncomfortable, and not just because the uniform she was wearing was a few sizes too big for her.

"…Let me get this straight," Winter began. "You want me to let you into some kind of secret Vault or something that you claim exists, which also houses an old lady, so you can kill this old lady for some reason, and then enter another Vault and steal the thing that's keeping Atlas afloat? Am I understanding that correctly?"

"That's pretty much dead-on, yes," Jaune answered with a nod. "So, how about it?"

"No."

"Yeah, figures. Alright, what do I have to do for you in order to get in there?"

"First of all, I don't even know what you're talking about," Winter argued. "Seriously, a magic power source? Magic doesn't exist in the first place, and even if it did, I'd think there are better things to use it on than making a city float."

"Sure, making a city float is a gross misallocation of valuable magic that could have been used to solve world hunger or something actually useful, but nobody ever accused the guys who made this city of being smart," Jaune noted. "Anyway, I'm telling you that the Vault totally exists, and there's totally an old lady in it who's just begging to be worm food at this point."

"Why are you so intent on killing this poor old lady?"

"I'd tell you, but you already don't think magic exists," Jaune explained.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, if I explain to you exactly how the transfer of magic from one person to another is supposed to work, you'll think I'm even crazier than you already do, because you'd have to be crazy to think of a transfer system that fucking stupid. Anyway, General Schnee, it seems we're at an impasse. You aren't willing to help us or even believe what we have to say, and we aren't willing to beat up a teenage girl."

"I am," Raven insisted.

Jaune ignored her. "So, we should probably hurry up and come to some kind of agreement before something bad happens."

"Why would anything bad happen?" Winter asked. "We just brokered a peace agreement with the White Fang. What else could possibly go wrong?"

"Trust me, if there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that there's always something waiting for the right time to pop off," Jaune explained. "And now's the perfect time for it, since we're all here."

"What makes you-"

The lights suddenly cut off, plunging them all into darkness. Jaune let out a heavy sigh.

"Yup, that figures," he deadpanned. "Cinder?"

"On it," Cinder said.

The room was lit up slightly by a small fire Cinder started in her hands. Just as the room lit up, Jaune felt his scroll vibrate in his pocket, and as he reached for it, he realized everyone else's scroll was, too. They all retrieved their scrolls, and Jaune opened his. He was surprised to see a shadowy figure looming over the screen, his features obscured by darkness.

"People of Atlas," the man said, his voice coming out garbled thanks to a voice modulator. "This is a message for all of you, and for your so-called leaders. The day of reckoning is at hand. Soon, there will be a change, and Atlas will be under new management. But do not fear – we are benevolent, and we have only your best interests at heart. Do as we say and nobody will be hurt."

"Oh, here we go," Jaune said, rolling his eyes. "Okay, dude – let's hear your stupid demands."

"Our first demand is that General Schnee will relinquish her seat," the man said. "In addition, the Council will all step down."

"Are you kidding me?" Winter demanded.

"I know, you just got that position," Janue agreed. "The uniform looks good on you, by the way. Better than it did on the last guy."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Oh, just take the damn compliment, would you? Seriously. Why does everyone have to read so deeply into everything I say?"

"Our second demand is that the people of Atlas will hand over the power source keeping the city afloat," the shadowy man said.

"Oh, come on!" Jaune complained. "That douche-canoe is trying to steal the thing I'm trying to steal!"

"Would you shut up?" Cinder pleaded. "Some of us are trying to listen."

"Our next demand is that the people of Atlas will stand down and not resist our rule," the man continued. "And finally, our fourth demand… everyone present in Atlas will turn in their weapons, so as to not be capable of resisting us."

"Now, that's just heinous," Jaune commented. "Seriously. Subjugate the innocent if you must, but taking their weapons? That's quite rude."The line went dead after that, and Jaune looked back over to Winter. "Do you realize what this means?"

"I've been General for a few weeks and I already have a crisis on my hands?" Winter asked.

"No, it means we get to help you, and then you'll owe us a favor, which we'll use to do what we need to do," Jaune explained.

"Why would I want your help? You're all idiots."

"Uh, excuse you," Cinder interjected.

"Believe me, I'm not leaving you out," Winter said, earning a glare. She turned back to Jaune. "Look, I think it's clear by now that I don't like you, and I trust you about as far as I can throw you. That being said, if you're willing to help us out and get rid of whichever madman is threatening us, I would be in your debt. I don't know why I'm asking given that I already stated you're all idiots. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. But if you do somehow manage to defy the odds and pull it off, well, I suppose I can look the other way for a single murder."

"Alright, you heard the lady," Jaune said. "Let's go bag us a madman."

Torchwick stared at the two new arrivals in front of him, doing his best to keep his eye from twitching. The two children eyed him with contempt; one of them, Weiss, even let out an irritated sigh and then crossed her arms and looked away.

"I don't know what we're doing here," she insisted. "Mother simply said that we had to go away for awhile. I don't quite get why we had to come here."

"That makes two of us," Torchwick grumbled as he reached into his jacket for a cigar. He turned his attention to the young boy, who was currently hiding behind his sister. "What about you, Snowflake? What's your story?"

"I wanna go home…" Whitley muttered.

"Yeah, well, that ain't gonna happen any time soon," Torchwick said with an air of finality.

"But it smells like Mother's wine cellar in here."

"That's as funny as it is tragic, but considering I live in a nightclub, I have no room to judge. That reminds me, we need to establish some ground rules. First off, don't wake me up when I'm sleeping unless it's an emergency, and for future reference, an emergency is something that involves imminent danger. So unless one of you is on fire or something, I don't want any trouble when I'm asleep. Got it?"

Weiss and Whitley both nodded. Torchwick lit his cigar and continued.

"Second rule, don't touch my smokes," he added. "Should be pretty self-explanatory. Third rule, don't encourage Mercury."

"Encourage him to do what?" Weiss asked.

"Anything. For real, unless you're trying to urge him to just sit in a corner and read or something, then you're better off not telling him to do anything. Speaking of reading, don't touch the Belladonna girl's books, because she's very protective of them and her friend will cause a scene if he thinks you're messing with her."

Torchwick paused. "You guys are the Schnee children, right?"

"Indeed, we are," Weiss said, puffing out her chest with pride.

"Cool. You might not want to mention that to Adam."

"What?" Weiss protested. "Why not?"

"Because, ah… let's just say you all probably won't get along."

There was a sudden knock on the door, and Torchwick flinched. "Damn it, I was hoping I'd have more time…"

"Uncle Torchwick, can we come out yet?" Ruby asked. "It's dark inside the closet and Mercury keeps trying to tie Adam's shoelaces together."

"That's you?!" Adam shouted. "Get over here! I'm gonna kill you!"

Torchwick sighed tiredly, then brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Neo, if you would?"

Neo saluted, then unlatched the closet door. All the kids inside came spilling out in a big pile, with Mercury and Adam struggling to try and push each other down. Neo walked up and thumped them both on the head, which ended it with ease.

Unfortunately for Torchwick, the peace and quiet only lasted for a few seconds before Ruby let out an excited squeal.

"New friends!" she said as she rushed over and stopped in front of Weiss and Whitley. "Hi, I'm Ruby! I'm five years old! Who are you?"

Weiss gave her a snooty, dismissive sniff. "I am Weiss Schnee, and this is my little brother, Whitley. Now, would you kindly go talk to him? I think he might be more your speed; I'm a bit too mature for you."

"Hang on, you're both Schnees?" Adam said in disbelief.

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

"Oh, here we go…" Torchwick muttered. He clapped his hands together to get everyone's attention. "Alright, children, new ground rule – you're all done fighting each other. Anyone who gets caught fighting someone else gets thumped by Neo. Also, no ice cream. That means you, Mercury and Adam. Got it?"

They all nodded. Adam continued to glare angrily at Weiss and Whitley, but he was the only one – Yang and Emerald approached the two of them, Yang with the kind of swagger she was quickly becoming known for and Emerald far more hesitantly.

"What's up?" Yang asked. "I'm Yang."

"I am Weiss Schnee," Weiss repeated. "Introduce yourself, Whitley."

"W-Whitley Schnee," he added. "U-um… pleased to meet you? I-I mean…"

Whitley's gaze suddenly landed on Emerald, and he immediately paused. Torchwick was about to ask what was wrong when he saw a thin blush come over Whitley's face just before he averted his gaze and began to stammer even harder than he already was. Seeing it, Torchwick let out a groan.

"Oh, great…" he muttered. "How come this happens now? He's five; boys are still supposed to think girls have cooties at this stage. Just my luck…"

"E-Emerald…" Emerald suddenly cut in. She stared at Weiss in awe, then added. "Um… your dress is very pretty."

Weiss blinked, surprised. "Thank you, Emerald."

"Aw, yeah!" Yang shouted, throwing an arm around both of their shoulders. "We're gonna be good friends!"

"Don't leave me out!" Ruby protested. "And don't leave out Blake, Adam, or Mercury, either!"

"Hmph. Like we would ever want to be friends with a Schnee," Adam said dismissively. "Right, Blake?"

Blake didn't do anything, instead standing there clutching her book with shaking legs. Weiss looked over in her direction, and her eyes widened when she saw the book Blake was reading.

"Hey, is that the new Perry Hotter book?" Weiss asked.

Instantly, Blake's ears perked up. "U-um… yes? You're a fan?"

"My butler gave me a few for my birthday a few months ago," Weiss explained. "I enjoyed them."

Blake stared at her in surprise for a moment, but then, her legs stopped shaking and she stood up straighter, a thin smile crossing her face. "Um… would you like to discuss them sometime? It's so hard to find someone else who likes to read…"

Adam rolled his eyes, letting out a dismissive huff.

"Lighten up, man," Mercury said as he threw an arm around Adam's shoulders. "You should look on the bright side."

"What bright side?" Adam growled. "And get your hands off me."

"It's simple, really – Blake's actually making friends. I mean, sure, it's with someone you hate, but that's still good, right? Even if she's leaving you and you clearly like her-"

Adam let out a growl and lunged for Mercury, only to trip and fall flat on his face because his shoelaces were tied together. Mercury barked out a laugh as he ran away, and Adam began to struggle with his shoelaces, all while shouting at him. Yang and Ruby cheered the entire thing on. Torchwick took one look at the scene in front of him, then sighed and took a long drag from his cigar.

"The things I do to help save the world…" he muttered.

Technically the week isn't over yet, so therefore this update isn't late.

In my defense, I had a lot going on this week. Had to work late almost every day, and also had a match I was participating in. It went great, by the way – my first time shooting an action rifle match against some people who'd been running that match for awhile, and I came in 6/12. Not bad for a first-timer. I was also coming straight from work, so I was still dressed in my work clothes (white collared shirt, dress pants, dress shoes); the match director even warned me that the concrete ground was slippery, so I'd need to watch my step in those shoes, which I did. I took the entire match super slow as a result because I was worried about slipping and falling with a gun in my hand, so my time was slower than it would've been regularly, but I still placed pretty well.

I was also the only person running an AK – I was using my Zastava M90. It worked fantastically, the gun and magazines ran perfectly reliably and the optic mount retained zero. I will probably never run an AR in a match after seeing what happened to the others – literally every single person running an AR fumbled their reload at least once because they tried to insert a fully-loaded mag on a closed bolt during a stage, and naturally, the mag fell right out as they were shooting, which cost them a lot of time. Meanwhile, AK mags rock in, so I was able to get my reloads done without issue. This is obviously a training problem more than a problem with the AR as a weapons system, but still. One more thing to worry about with an AR that an AK doesn't have to worry about at all.

Anyway, I had a great time. Will definitely be shooting that match more in the future. The next one is a 2-gun match, so I'll need to get a better holster for my Beretta before I can run it. I've got a USGI surplus Safariland on the way already, so hopefully it both gets here on time and actually fits my handgun.

Anyway, onto the story. I don't have a ton to talk about with it today, aside from saying that we're now in the Atlas arc, which I'm hoping will take awhile. I'm estimating this entire story will likely be anywhere from 35-45 chapters in total, so not super long, but the Atlas arc should take up a decent chunk of that story length.

As far as other stories are concerned, I've got a new shitpost out called Team MILF, so if you're interested in seeing some antics of the respective embarrassing their daughters and other assorted crackery, check that out. The Eve Taurus I keep promising is close to being posted, just need to do some final edits on it and it should be good to go. Black Sun and Darkbloom are both still in production and actively being worked on. It's all going pretty good, I think – no real complaints. I will say that, aside from Plastered Paradox, I'm probably going to take a brief break from crackfics to take some time and recharge, which is my way of saying not to expect crack one-shots from me for some time, since I'm kinda drained on them at the moment. They'll be back at some point though, because I'm nothing if not a huge shitposter at heart.

That's about all I've got, so I'll see you all next time, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!