Chapter Four| stuck in the gray

Leigha was my guardian angel; I was certain of this. At least when it came to staying here at home, she always had her wings out to cover me from anything that could harm me. She would protect me as much as she could.

We made sure I wasn't dressed in too many layers and sat me in my wheelchair in its usual place in the living room. I knew that Billy and Jacob would be arriving any minute and while I both wanted to greet them, I also wanted to be able to stand up before rushing upstairs to my bedroom. I would slam my door shut behind me and lock it, to be by myself without having any false expressions on my face. It didn't matter if it would be completely rude.

Leigha sat down next to me after she sat down plates with finger snack foods along with some hot buffalo wings, Lays Ruffles Potato Chips, and sour cream and onion dip. The thunder of the truck pulling up in the gravel driveway allowed both of us to know that my extended family members were. Charlie was already out on the front porch to greet them, and I knew Charlie was his best friend–a true brother of his despite the fact that he hadn't any siblings.

It didn't take long for Charlie to push Billy Black in his wheelchair into the house, where in return Billy shot me the most warming smile I had seen. There was no pity in his eyes, nor was there anything that made me feel as though he was only looking at me like this because he felt sorry for me. He knew what it was like to have a medical condition limit your mobility, he too was someone who had to be confined to a wheelchair the majority of the time.

"Bella, it's good to see you."

The only thing that was different for Billy than when I had last seen him happened to be that his hair had gotten grayer. He was the one between him and Charlie that was the older one and was prematurely starting to go gray. He most likely would end up keeping the gray hair in the end, since there was no reason why he should feel as though he should get rid of it. He still wore his cowboy hat, and his usual brown leather jacket over his shirt, and cowboy boots.

I gave him a nervous smile, one that let him know I was glad he was here. I wasn't too excited that he and Jacob were here, but it was nice to see them after a couple of years. It was bound to happen because of the fact that I was currently living in Charlie's house, so of course I would end up running into them when I would be living here. Charlie at least had asked me if it was okay if they could come here, and now here we were.

"Oh, you remember Jacob, don't you?"

My brown irises flickered away from Billy to notice Jacob standing awkwardly behind him, with one of his hands going up so he could wave hello to me. He blushed a little bit, but then again, the boy had always been nervous. When his mom, Sarah, was alive he was often found hiding behind her skirts and not wanting to talk to anyone unless he was in the mood to do so (or if Sarah had managed to encourage him to talk to them).

Jacob was only two years younger than me, but he still looked as though he should be in middle school instead of in his freshman year of high school.

"J-Jake."

"I told you she would remember you, Jacob. Even remembers how you like to be called Jake instead of Jacob," Billy said before he shot a look at me in reassurance. "Of course half the time I just call him Jacob, but I'm his father so that should be okay."

Jacob (I would call him Jake aloud if I ever managed to do so), had a little bit of irritation that was radiating from him. He did give me a surprised look, allowing me to know that he hadn't expected that the first word I would say to him would be his preferred nickname instead of his birth name.

I knew he would have done the same for me if we were in reverse. He was after all my godbrother, I should know what he wanted to be called by the time I would reach this age, whether or not I had been in his life before now or not.

"Thanks for remembering, Bella," Jacob said, earning a nervous smile from me.

My head ducked down completely when I went to look down at my hands. My top-heavy head, having not the support to deal with staying up, ended up slumping down. I tapped my fingers against the arm of the wheelchair, Leigha came up and helped bring my head up for me better so I wouldn't have to worry about my head falling to the side or forward again.

"Oh! Excuse us for our rudeness. You must be Leigha, Bella's nurse."

Leigha smiled at Billy and Jacob, but her eyes went back towards me to let me know it was okay if I said I wanted to go upstairs to my bedroom. She could tell that I would get tired of everyone by the time Billy and Jacob would head off. She winked at me a moment later, after she had moved away from shaking hands with Billy and then saying hello to Jacob.

"Well, let's go ahead–"

I tuned out the rest of what Charlie said, as he spoke to the whole room.

He moved Billy's wheelchair, so it was opposite of where I was. He wasn't looking directly at me, but he was in the only other place that a wheelchair could be placed. I was at least glad that Charlie had put me first and allowed me to have a better placement in the living room. I wouldn't have to give that space up for Billy, even if he was the guest. (Then again, Billy was someone who wouldn't have accepted the better placement at someone's house when he was the guest)

As both of them talked to each other easily, Leigha fed me every few moments but didn't force me to eat all the food at once. I had a nurse in the past who had done this, and to say the least I wouldn't eat food from anyone other than Renee or Charlie, but this was when I was very little. The nurse thought that since I was not even in grade school yet and still in preschool, I needed to be fed a lot more than I could handle for myself, often overfeeding me. I'd end up throwing it up.

I tried to be overly happy at having visitors here. It was one thing if it were just Billy, but having Jacob here only made the part of me which wanted to go to sleep flair up with guilt.

I shouldn't feel guilty that I was tired, and my stomach wasn't too hungry, so I didn't need to eat that much. I shouldn't feel guilty that my fingers kept tapping against the arms of my wheelchair.

Yet I was.

As though she sensed this, Leigha calmly got up from the chair she had pulled out from the kitchen and sat down next to me when I had gotten adjusted in the living room. She informed the men and Jacob that it was time for my nap, if I needed one (I didn't want to look too excited at having a way out of just sitting here awkwardly). She pushed my wheelchair away from the men and Jacob before we arrived at the bottom of the stairs.

I sat gently into my staircase chair and hooked up before I pushed on the button that would make my chairlift go up. The television was the main focus for the men now, Charlie and Billy would obviously change the television from all ages movie that was playing for all five of us to a movie or television show that they enjoyed. Jacob would have to sit there and watch whatever they had chosen, though I had seen he had a phone so hopefully he was able to text to some of his friends while he was here visiting Charlie and me.

Leigha went up the stairs with my wheelchair before she sat the wheelchair down, unbuckled me, and sat me down into my wheelchair once again. She pushed us down the wooden floorboard hallway, away from all the conversations that were going downstairs along with the sounds of the people on the television, and lastly the music.

I wouldn't have to hear the catchy theme music that came with the sitcoms or the cheesy dramatic music when a serious moment was happening (I was too accustomed to the too loud soap operas that Renee always had me deal with no matter what time of the day or night it was, sometimes it kept me up from sleeping).

I wouldn't have bags under my eyes the next morning, hating how Renee hadn't come to the realization the reason why I wasn't having a good night's rest was because she wasn't being polite and turning the volume down instead of up on the television.

I was able to go and take a nice nap, and by the time I would wake up the Blacks would be gone. I would have the house back the way I wanted to.

One look from Leigha, wordless, but still meaning more to me than words being said, allowed me to know that I shouldn't feel guilty when I had moments such as this. I was valid, I had the right to want to be away from everyone for a while. Well, everyone but her, I didn't mind having Leigha around me because she was a perfect mixture of a mother and sister all put into one.

Alice and Jasper were soon sitting around the cafeteria table with me and Esme every day. The first few days I had been wearily peering at them, contemplating on asking Esme if they should leave but then they would do something that was actually meaningful and kind. I'd be reminded that not everyone had a second agenda to their name.

It was Thursday now, and Esme was helping me eat the sandwich that she had bought from the deli fridge that was behind the cooking station. Alice was conversing with Jasper about the latest fashion that was happening over in Europe and how she should incorporate some of the details into future outfits. In the distance the rest of the Cullens were still sitting at their usual table, it was obvious they didn't know if they wanted to come over and sit with us.

At least that was what I was thinking, but I turned my head to the side when I saw Emmett Cullen coming over to the table with Rosalie Hale next to him. I was able to study them closer, Emmett was built like a bodybuilder with a head of obsidian curls on his head and a boyish grin upon his face. Rosalie had golden hair that fell to her hips and was quite curvy. She was the second tallest girl in the high school (she was behind Angela Weber when it came to height).

"Can we sit here with you?"

Emmett was the one who probed this, earning two taps from me against the arm of my wheelchair to let Esme know it was fine for her to let them sit with us. Esme motioned for them to sit down, and they did so, Rosalie didn't look at me though Emmett didn't hesitate to reach his hand out for him to shake my hand. I nervously reached my hand up and put it into his hand, he was gentle as he shook my hand as though knowing that I was fragile.

"So how are you settling into town?"

Emmett added another question, earning an unemotional sound from me. He nodded his head, before I turned my attention to Esme.

"Oh, and sorry about Edward. He's got a stick up his a–"

"Emmett McCarty Cullen! Don't you dare finish that sentence! We do not cuss in this family," Esme commanded, earning a pout from Emmett before he apologized to her. It was obvious that he was doing this only because he knew he should even though he still felt this way about Edward.

"So, I heard that you've got your checkup this afternoon, after school. Carlisle is a really good doctor. I'm sure that you'll like him," Alice commented, making Esme seem to smile in soft love at the mention of her husband. (I was quite jealous of this, I wanted to find someone who would love me just as much as she seemed to love Carlisle)

The rest of the time we were in the cafeteria Emmett was telling me so many different things. He acted as though he had no one to talk to though I was certain he must talk all the time to his family members. Rosalie would roll her golden irises at him every now and then. It was obvious that even his own girlfriend/foster sister got aggravated by him a lot, but she also had that amused soft look whenever he would show concern for me.

Edward didn't really say anything to me during Biology, he was patient to me the entire time. Esme would linger closer to Mr. Banner's desk and would converse with him every now and then. I wasn't able to use the microscope though when he would tell me the different slides that were going on, I would nod my head to let him know that I had agreed with him.

After school, Esme drove us towards the clinic. I wouldn't be surprised if Leigha ended up being the nurse that was in charge of taking me back to the patient room that would be assigned to me. She would converse with me about anything and everything that had been happening throughout the day and ask Esme how the school day was for me since I would most likely be a bundle of nerves.

Forks' Medical Clinic was a small one-story building, just another medical clinic that you'd find in a small town.

The white brick was decades old and seemed as though it needed to be power washed so that it could look better. There were bushes that lined the front wall of the clinic, underneath the windows that were simple and looked into the lobby of the clinic. There was an overhead roof in the middle of the front of the clinic for those that needed to seek shelter from the stormy weather that cursed the town.

Standing on the front concrete sidewalk of clinic was in fact Leigha, she reached her hand up and waved at us as Esme parked at one of the handicap parking spots. She didn't come forward to help us since she knew me enough these days since I had moved here. I didn't want to be overcrowded or fawned on as I was getting out of a car.

Esme pushed us towards her, and when we reached the red-haired, tattooed nurse she merely smiled and put her hand onto the front of the wheelchair arm. It was a few inches away from my hand, but it was enough to let me know she was having her own greeting with me. I gave her an awkward smile to let her know I appreciated it before I was wheeled into the lobby of the clinic.

There were two people that were in the waiting room when it came to patients that were waiting to be called on to go back. They glanced over at me with interest but by now all the town knew that I had moved here so there was no reason why they were staring at us too long. My attention wasn't really on them, instead my eyes were on my hands that were intertwined together upon my lap.

Leigha automatically led us down the corridor where the patient room was for me. She opened the door without saying anything, and I was pushed into the room. It was like any other patient room, the same examination table with the crinkly sanitation paper that was upon the table to keep germs away from each patient. The sanitation paper was cut so neatly as though a sword had gone straight down the middle of the paper perfectly instead of someone just ripping it open.

Leigha helped me out of my wheelchair and sat me onto the cot. I tried to keep my back as straight as possible though my eyes were downcast. I merely peered at my hands that were still intertwined together, they were shaking some from nerves. I was always like this whenever I would meet a new doctor (if I weren't moving to Forks sometimes Renee would change our doctors all the sudden or we would be dropped due to the fact that she would miss sending me to appointments).

We didn't have to wait that long for soft knocking against the door allowed us to know that Dr. Cullen (Carlisle, as Esme had informed me to call him), had finally gotten to me.

He opened the door, my heart stopping in my chest for a moment at the beautiful man that was smiling at me dressed in those horrible medical blue scrubs that somehow looked too sexy on him, along with a white doctorate coat over it. He looked as though he was in his first or second year of medical school, with that youthful perfect face, instead of in his second or third year of being licensed. His golden irises matched the same golden hair upon his skull, smoothly brushed down so that not one piece of his hair was out of place.

"You must be my newest daughter," Carlisle spoke, making me flush red from the sweet comment I had received from him. Esme shot him a warning look, enough for Carlisle to chuckle some before he apologized.

"I've gone ahead and gotten all the medical paperwork from Phoenix, so you don't have to worry about me pestering you with questions about your disease–"

Even though he was nice, and his voice was soothing, all I could do was sit there and stare at him. He moved so effortlessly like his wife and seemed as though he was an actual angel that had come down from the heavens to take care of sick mortals. Esme was sitting next to me in one of the visitor chairs that were meant for guardians or parents.

I tried to imagine Renee sitting in that chair, but they were such rare times she actually put an effort into it. Phil would take me to the clinics and hospitals down in Phoenix more than Renee did.

Our relationship wasn't anything that was special, it just so happened that Phil wanted to actually put any effort into befriending me and making sure to let me know he was there for me. It was quite awkward to be honest, to have to lay everything bare for him to know.

I only tore my attention away from my musings when Carlisle came forward, enough for me to stiffen some without meaning to. I was someone who hated people touching me. I was someone who was not that very talkative, yet at the same time there was something inside of me that cried out that I should do those very things for the Cullens. I should do this for them, for they were going to mean so much more in my life than just a passing phase.

I would be with them until I was eighteen and finished with high school. Then chances where they would end up heading off to college somewhere else. I would not know if I wanted to even go to college when I would be in my senior year of high school. Things were already overwhelming enough as it was as a teenager, add the whole cerebral palsy thing and it was even more of a shitstorm.

"Do I have permission to touch you? To do your checkup?" Carlisle probed, making me blink some from what I had just heard. I was accustomed to doctors either asking this or not but never had I ever heard the level of respect that I had heard from Carlisle.

"Yes."

And so, Carlisle performed the checkup with me. I waited patiently for him to check my blood pressure, though I wasn't that excited when I would have my blood work done along with needing to go into the restroom with Leigha so I could have a urine sample done. I came back into the room and finished off the rest of my examination, knowing that there couldn't be anything that should be too worrying. Everything seemed and felt the same.

I was glad that I would be here with Esme and Leigha. Charlie would be fine; I wouldn't have cared if he were here or not.

Yet Renee was the one who I would have hated to have been in the same room with Carlisle. I was certain even while married Renee would shamelessly flirt with the man, though she had common sense to do nothing more than light hand brushes against muscular arms or flutter her eyelashes. She wanted that innocent vibe going on, though Renee was anything other than innocent.

Eventually, the checkup was finished, and I was able to leave. They would send the results from the lab work later in the day to Charlie's email so he could see the latest health report about me. I would be told that everything was in its working order, and how I shouldn't worry about anything. I was as healthy as I was before I had the checkup, sometimes I would need to up my medication but other times everything was fine. No need to even go do the checkup but it still needed to be done.

When I arrived back at Charlie's house it was Leigha that drove me back. Esme wasn't needed anymore, and Leigha had gone to work earlier this morning than usual so she would be able to take me home. She didn't force me to talk to her about how my day was, she merely drove me back to the house and helped me go upstairs to my bedroom.

"Do you want to take a nap?"

For once I shook my head, usually I was someone who loved to take naps every day. I didn't want to sleep; I was too wired. Instead, I motioned for my backpack, which allowed the woman to know that I was ready to start on my homework. I was ahead of everyone else since I had already read the book we were currently going over, and I made sure to do at least a little more than a normal student did because I never wanted to fall behind.

So, I sat there comfortably on my bed as Leigha played the audiotape from the lecture that Mr. Mason had already pre-recorded. Leigha sat at the end of my bed, surprising me when she had said she wanted to paint my toes. I had let her do so without any issues, finding that it was kind of sweet when she wanted to do that. My toes would twitch every now and then involuntarily, but she didn't seem as though she was upset with having to stop and clean up the messes she would make.

Charlie came home in a good mood, as it would turn out he was able to have the lab work results sent forward earlier than we expected. I was in good health, and he thought that we should celebrate by making hot fudge sundaes. He had made mine for me and made sure to add the banana in the middle of the ice cream scoops. Leigha dismissed having one herself since she was lactose intolerant and she had never really craved diary to begin with.

I tried not to think about the Cullens as I was being put to bed after having a nice, warm, bubbly bath. I tried not to think about how it would have been so much easier if I had been a child of Esme and Carlisle. I loved Charlie, I loved him so much, but the connection I had with the Cullens was unlike anything I ever felt before.

I didn't know if I should want to embrace this feeling, this knowledge that if I gave up and fell completely into the arms of the Cullens I'd never have to worry about anything else in my life. It was both wonderful but terrible at the same time.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: here's the next chapter of 'AS I BREATHE'. Chapter 8 (chapter 9 on here in posting order) is when Caius will be introduced in the fanfiction. I hope that you've enjoyed the first 4 chapters of the fanfiction.

as always: Twilight doesn't belong to me

-Emmy

ps: prologue and epilogue included there are 25 chapters to this fanfiction. Without epilogue or prologue it's only 23 full chapters.