2006
Grimmauld Place
Hermione blinked blearily as the sun's first rays poured into the room. She hadn't slept at all, half afraid of nightmares, and uneasy about sleeping alone, especially in Grimmauld, no matter the new décor.
She sat up stiffly, her bones aching a bit, and trudged to the bathroom for a shower and freshen up. She showered quickly, trying to keep her mind blank, the rush of hot water hitting her skin providing a distraction. A towel hung on a rack and she quickly snatched it up, wrapping it around herself as she stepped out of the shower. It wasn't until she reached out and wiped away the condensation from the mirror that a strange sort of vertigo attacked her, and she clenched the edges of the sink so she wouldn't fall over squeezing her eyes shut.
The face in the mirror wasn't quite right. Wasn't quite her. The bathroom suddenly felt too hot as she fought to remain standing. There was an impenetrable wall between her and reality—her and truth. A part of her had never stopped screaming that everything was fake since she woke up.
The screaming increased in volume. It's all fake! It's all a trick! Her head throbbed and she swallowed hard, trying not to be sick.
To suddenly wake up and be married to Harry—that had to be fake, didn't it? The look on Harry's face from that night during the hunt kept intruding on her thoughts. How embarrassed he'd looked when Ron returned, how he'd turned away and left as soon as he could.
Tears slipped down her cheeks and she brushed them away impatiently, taking a deep breath. This was all—fake—fine. Hermione just needed to pick up the pieces of her life and put them back together–like a puzzle–and then maybe things would make sense again. She was good at puzzles. She could do this.
"Why do you think you have nightmares?" The healer's voice was hushed in the small, bland counseling space, each color carefully selected for its neutrality. The décor practically screamed that it had no opinions and made no judgments.
Hermione shrugged, staring down at her lap and avoiding the penetrating blue gaze of the Healer.
"Is it fear?"
Hermione ran her hand over the soft chenille fabric of the chair. This was a much better chair than those green couches everyone seemed to think were always in therapists' offices.
"Hermione."
Her eyes snapped to the healers. He rarely used her first name. For once, he looked slightly compassionate instead of his usual clinical expression.
"Why do you think you have nightmares, Hermione?"
She sucked in a deep breath, dropping her gaze again. "Because I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Lots of things."
"Part of recovery is identifying triggers and learning to train yourself into a different thought pattern. What do you think–above all else is the reason behind your nightmares?"
Hermione's hands fisted at her sides, remembering being helpless, unable to help anyone, unable to save anyone. Her intelligence was worthless in the face of their stupid, blunt hatred. "I had no control–nothing! I couldn't—couldn't—I was helpless—afraid—" Her voice choked off as the images assaulted her.
The healer's hand clasped her knees firmly, anchoring her to the present.
"You are in control of your life and will overcome fear."
"I am in control and will overcome fear," Hermione whispered, her eyes shut.
I am in control and will overcome fear.
Hermione repeated the mantra several more times, quietly to herself before managing to open her eyes. She still avoided looking at her reflection and finished getting ready quickly, exiting the room at a fast pace and taking the stairs at almost a run.
Hermione had expected to be the first one up and was surprised to see Harry sipping coffee already at the table. A breakfast plate before him with a stasis charm on it.
He looked up, meeting her eyes, before inspecting her. "You didn't sleep."
Hermione shrugged, moving forward to sit across from him, feeling a little awkward. She waved off the charms with her wand, setting it carefully down beside her plate before picking up her fork to poke at her food.
"Do you want me to make you something else?" Harry asked.
She looked up with a small smile. "No, this is fine, I'm just…"
"Just what?"
Hermione gave a small shake of her head, putting her hand through her curls. "I don't even know. This—this doesn't feel real to me. I still feel like Ron is going to come through the door and you two will laugh or something like this was some weird joke."
Harry had stiffened as she spoke, his face losing expression. He leaned forward, his green eyes intense, and Hermione had to resist the impulse to lean back. "Do you really think I would ever joke about something like this?"
Harry's hand reached out, slowly, giving her every opportunity to back away, but she held herself still, staring into his eyes, trying to see behind the shield he put up. His fingers slid along her cheek slowly and she shivered, tingles racing through her at Harry's touch.
"You're my wife, Hermione." So many emotions swam in his low, rough tone, but there was an undeniable edge to the words, too.
For just a second she could see it in his eyes, the whirlwind behind the wall, behind the anger. "Harry," Hermione whispered.
A tapping on the window distracted them from the moment, and Harry's head jerked toward the rear of the house. Hermione let out a low breath once he stopped looking at her.
"Kreacher?" She asked, not sure what had happened to the grouchy house-elf.
"No, he mostly stays at Hogwarts now. It's probably some missives from MLE." Harry pulled back, getting up to retrieve the letters from the owls. He walked back into the kitchen area with a stack of letters almost an inch thick.
"What are you working on?"
Harry put the stack of paperwork down. "Nothing we need to worry about now. I'm going to need to go into the office starting next week likely. We're going to have to discuss maybe someone staying with you while I'm gone—"
"I don't need a babysitter, Harry."
"You also don't need to be staying here by yourself when you've barely woken up from a coma."
Hermione looked down at her plate. The food was pushed around, but she'd barely eaten anything. "What about Ron?"
She could see the way Harry's shoulders tensed, his brows lowering before he breathed in carefully and sat back down in front of her, staring down at the paperwork he had just received. "I know I'm not supposed to get angry. I know I'm not supposed to be having any of these feelings." Harry's head dipped down a bit, and his hands came up, resting on the back of his head as if he was protecting himself. His voice was low when he continued, and a little muffled. "You're everything to me, and I can't—I can't have him around you yet. Please, Hermione?"
Hermione pushed aside her plate, reaching across the table, her hand laying over Harry's interlaced fingers. Her heart twinged at his words. Since she'd woken up, Harry had been angry and secretive at turns, making her recall the years just after the war. But this Harry, who let himself be so vulnerable and honest with her, was the one she knew before she messed up their relationship.
"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Let's just shelve that conversation for now, okay?"
Harry straightened, her hand falling to the table. He reached out, covering her hand with his, "I need to look at this paperwork today, but not right now. How about I show you our library? You didn't get to see it yesterday when you got home."
Hermione brightened, almost instantly distracted. She had definitely wanted to see the library when Harry had mentioned it. "You know I was thinking about it—and I remember working on an act to help provide wolfsbane to children—do you remember if it passed?"
Harry looked at her. "You don't remember it passing?"
"It passed then?"
"Yeah. That's when…" He trailed off.
"When what?"
He shook his head, standing up and tugging her hand to lead her to the library. Hermione would like it there, he knew. "That's when a lot of things changed."
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
2001
Ministry of Magic
Hermione felt like her heart was going to burst from her chest as Shacklebolt called for a vote for her proposal. The Ayes and Nays rang out in quick succession and she clenched her hands in her lap, trying to count as the magic counters started flipping with the votes yelled out.
A warm hand slipped into hers, and she looked over to give a strained smile to Harry. He hated politics, but when she had asked him to help her lobby for the Children's Guaranteed Wolfbane Act, he had immediately begun to work on her behalf, using his name to persuade some of the more stubborn members of the Wizengamot.
"It's going to pass," Harry told her quietly. "I promise."
She watched the counter go up on the Ayes, but still couldn't quite believe it would actually happen until Shacklebolt banged down the Chief Warlock's gavel, announcing the passage of the bill.
Shacklebolt looked over until he spotted her over the cheering of spectators, mouthing congratulations. Hermione jumped up screaming, feeling as exhilarated as when Gryffindor would win the quidditch matches. She heard Harry laugh next to her and turned to him with a big smile, jumping slightly so she could latch tightly around his neck.
"Thank you." She whispered, squeezing Harry tightly, burying her face in his shoulder to hide her watery eyes.
Harry nodded against her, his arms wrapping around her, and she felt the familiar motion of his thumb, rubbing softly against her back.
Such an innocent touch and yet her body reacted as if he had intimately caressed her. She hadn't been this close to him in a long time. Her breath caught, and she could feel the warmth of a flush heating her face and pulled back abruptly, laughing a little self-consciously.
"Will you come to the Leaky with everyone to celebrate?"
"Of course, I wouldn't miss it."
Hermione swallowed hard, staring up at Harry and nodding, putting her hands into her coat pockets. "Good, I'll see you there then." She gave a small jerk of her chin in the direction of the legislative area for Care of Magical Creatures. "I've got to get back. The paperwork doesn't stop because it passed."
Harry nodded, and Hermione paused awkwardly before turning around and walking off, smiling and nodding as people congratulated her on getting her proposal passed. Before she stepped out of the chamber, she looked back. Harry was still watching her leave, his expression unreadable. She nodded at him again before walking out.
Hermione walked slowly back to her cubicle. She needed to organize all her paperwork to get to work on the next act for the Ministry. This was just barely a drop in a very large bucket. She had expected to fill the rush of exhilaration and happiness for longer than a few moments. But instead, she felt off-centered. Something wasn't right. She finally arrived back at her desk and sat down carefully. Why didn't this feel like it was supposed to?
"Hermione!" She looked up as Ron strode in, smiling. "What the bloody hell are you doing back at your desk? This deserves the rest of the day off!"
She shook her head, "No, I need to start on the next—"
"No, you need to come home with me so we can celebrate and then go out to the Leaky and celebrate some more." He said firmly, pulling her chair away from her desk.
Worry niggled into her conscience. "Ron–"
"Home." He said, cutting her off, picking up her briefcase, and shoving all her paperwork in it haphazardly.
"You're messing up my files! They're getting wrinkled!" Hermione said, outraged.
"Oh no, however, could we fix that," Ron muttered.
Hermione snatched the parchment from Ron, straightening it out. "It's not the same!" Her hand trembled a little as she straightened the stack, and she looked up to see Ron watching her with concerned blue eyes.
Ron didn't say anything though, just waiting patiently while she got ready now that he had gotten his way. When she was finished, he stuck his hand out for hers, holding her tightly as they walked out together.
They headed home, changing and getting ready for meeting up with everyone to celebrate once the workday was officially over. They were ready too early to leave for the Leaky, so they sat on the couch staring at the empty fireplace.
Hermione reached over and clasped Ron's hand. "I should be very happy today, shouldn't I?"
"Aren't you?"
Hermione nodded, not looking at him, still gazing intently at nothing, trying to puzzle out what was wrong. "I am. Of course, I am. But just not like I expected. Nothing that's happening really is like I expected. Like I planned."
"Oh, you mean life is actually different from what you imagined as a sixteen-year-old?"
Hermione elbowed him hard on his side, and Ron grunted before laughing. "Prat."
"Know-it-all."
Despite her mixed feelings about her accomplishment, as she sat next to Ron, a small smile tilted Hermione's lips. Sitting there quietly next to him, she finally pieced together some things that she had noticed but hadn't really understood. The way Ron always left work as soon as he could. His lack of reaction when he was part of solving a big case. How different and how much more excited he got when he helped George.
"You're not happy either," Hermione said, finally looking over at Ron.
Ron shrugged. "I…" He trailed off and shrugged again, not finishing his sentence.
"You what?" Hermione squeezed his hand, prompting him to continue.
"I'm pathetic."
"Ron!"
Ron pulled his hand away from her, turning to look at the wall. "Robards offered to promote me to Detective Inspector."
"Oh, my gosh! That's awesome Ron! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Hermione scooted closer, trying to hug him even though he leaned away.
"I declined it."
Hermione froze. "Oh."
Ron finally turned to her, their faces close. "What did the counselor say about being truthful to ourselves?"
"Don't pretend everything is okay when it's not," Hermione whispered, searching his wide blue eyes.
"We're still not okay Hermione. I'm still following Harry and you're still — I don't know—you're following some plan you made when you were eleven, probably. We changed and we have to—we have to admit that and not just pretend."
"Ron, what are you—"
"How long has it been since we slept together?"
"Do you- do you—" Hermione began awkwardly.
"Hermione, I love you. I honestly think I love you more than I even love my own sister because Ginny can be a bitch."
"Ron!"
He grinned at her despite the importance of the conversation, before his face became serious again. "And you're so beautiful, Hermione. But I…" He paused, swallowing hard. "I don't love you like I should for this." Ron waved his hand around their shared flat.
Hermione stared at him, not quite able to believe what she was hearing. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Ron's hand came up, tucking her curls behind her ears. "I think we're ready to maybe stop doing what we thought we would—and do want we want to."
"But I don't know if I want to." Hermione didn't know what the right thing to do or say was at the moment. But she knew she didn't want to be without Ron there to help her. "I can't—I don't—" She struggled to articulate what she wanted.
"When you dream, Hermione — who is it always about?"
"That's not fair! That's not — it's not like that." Hermione said sharply, still thrown off by the direction the conversation had gone.
Ron nodded. "At first I thought that too. Harry is such a big part of us, our past and present. But I started wondering…"
Hermione shook her head. She didn't want to hear any more of Ron's thoughts. "No." She said pulling back and starting to stand up but he grabbed her wrist not letting her run away.
"No, you always made me listen to you–and you were always right–and now–now I'm right, Hermione. And you're going to listen."
Ron waited for her agreement, but she remained stubbornly silent, not trying to move away again but not sitting back down again, either. "I always struggled in comparison to Harry—I loved him sure — but I don't deny the jealousy either. It was annoying sometimes the way he always – something always happened revolving around him –"
"Voldemort killed his bloody parents, Ron." Hermione snapped.
"I know. I'm not saying the feelings were reasonable, and it's taken me a long time and going through those counseling sessions to really see everything clearly."
Ron tugged Hermione down and she sat again, on the edge of the couch, her back stiff. "I may have always struggled with my relationship with Harry, but you never did–did you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You never resented him or got angry with him–"
"Of course, I got angry with him–"
"Not like I did."
Hermione quieted. No, she had never gotten angry with Harry like Ron did. She never would have walked away from him. "What are you saying, Ron?"
"I'm saying you should stop pretending with me and at least be honest with yourself about what you really want. It's not us in a relationship. It's not working at the ministry. You deserve to be truly happy Hermione, and I deserve the same too."
Hermione sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I really don't like this new emotional depth you've acquired since growing up."
"Yeah, growing up sucks." Ron pulled her into a hug.
"So what, we just show up and tell everyone we've broken up?"
"Nah, we don't owe anyone any explanations. Let's just take it a day at a time, okay?"
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
2001
Leaky Tavern (Two weeks after breaking up)
The pub was lively on a Friday night, with witches and wizards squeezing past each other with various drinks from the standard fire whiskeys to the more exotic Dragon sunrise. Hermione sat across from Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom half drunk drinks in front of them while they gossiped and caught up.
"Do you know who our little Neville is flirting with?" Luna said in a faux whisper, her blue eyes bright and dancing.
"Hey," Neville said good-naturedly, rolling his eyes at both of them. He was a far cry from the pudgy, short first-year Hermione had met. The war and later getting his mastery in Herbology had given him muscles and his growth spurt had kicked in late. Neville was more than a foot taller than both her and Luna.
Luna grinned at him before continuing. "Pansy Parkinson!"
"No!" Hermione whispered scandalized, staring at Neville like he had gone mental.
"She's — it's not–I'm not–" Neville sputtered, trying to explain.
Luna patted his arm. "It's these tree-planting biceps. Even Slytherins can longer resist them. Didn't you tell me that Theo Nott asked you out, too?"
Neville was cherry red. "Theo is a very nice bloke who just likes to talk about how to maintain his garden estates—"
Hermione met Luna's eyes, and they both started giggling. "Wow," Hermione said after she managed to get ahold of her laughter. "I just can't imagine–I mean I haven't really seen her since Hogwarts but I just remember her being so—" She trailed off, not quite certain how to say it without sounding catty.
"Pekingese," Luna interjected thoughtfully.
"Luna!" Neville admonished while Hermione covered her mouth.
"Small terrier?" Luna offered.
Neville poked her side before turning to Hermione. "Well, you know our childhood wasn't exactly normal, and I'm not going to let myself get into hating someone for what they were like back then."
Maybe she and Ron should have hung around Neville more after the war, Hermione thought to herself, looking into his calm eyes. Neville's gaze went past her though and a big smile broke across his face. "Harry! Oi!"
Hermione jerked around to look. Harry stood near the entrance to the pub, seeming to find her eyes. He smiled and waved, coming closer.
"Harry! I'm so glad you could join us, it's been a while since I've seen you." Neville stood up giving him a firm pat on the back before sitting back down.
Luna hugged him from her chair, and then Harry sat next to Hermione, leaning over to give her a small hug.
"Well, I'm sure you two see each other all the time working for the ministry, though." Luna offered.
Harry opened his mouth, stopped, then looked at Hermione, waiting to see what she would say. Hermione gave them a slightly awkward smile. "I'm actually taking something of a sabbatical. I resigned from the Ministry about a week ago."
Neville looked at her, astonished, while Luna nodded. "Sometimes taking time to think is all that's needed to fix things."
Hermione picked up her drink. "That is worth a drink." She clicked her cup with Luna's before taking a sip.
"Harry, you're still working at the ministry, though, right?"
"Yes." Harry pulled a glass of fire whiskey that popped into existence in front of him close. "Even though we've tracked down all those who participated in the war, the ideology still exists, not to mention practitioners of dark magic popping up like weasels."
Hermione heard the edge in his voice, and reached out without thinking, placing her hand on his elbow. His gaze darted to hers, his arm shifting, and he caught her hand, pulling it beneath the table where he clasped it.
"I'm glad we have you, Harry," Neville said soberly, before lifting his glass in a toast and looking at all of them. "I'm glad really I have all of you. To friends!"
Hermione didn't want to pull her hand from Harry's, so grabbed her drink with her left. "To friends!"
Luna and Neville started talking to one another after the toast and Harry leaned to the side, whispering in her ear. "How are you doing?"
"I'm okay."
Harry didn't pull back, his head still bent towards hers. He squeezed her hand. "I'm doing some shopping tomorrow, trying to update some of the sections of the Grimmauld library. Do you think you could help me?"
Hermione stared into the deep green of Harry's eyes, trying to tell herself the zing of anticipation was all about the books. Really, it was. Libraries were magical places, after all. Ron was a teaspoon, he didn't know anything." Of course."
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘ ༓ ∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅
A/N This is a bit rougher than I wanted it to be- I've been quite obsessed with playing Hogwarts legacy - I told myself I wouldn't buy it and then omg I bought it- just wandering around Hogwarts and exploring is just amazing. I've made so much less writing progress and my college course has suffered as a result! LOL
I may go back and provide further edits to this chapter, but I'll share it now because it won't change in any big way - just some smoother transitions and better-detailed explanations of some emotions likely. Have a great weekend!
Oh, and I almost forgot-Yes a commenter asked about this story being published previously. I was almost to the end of writing this fic and just didn't like how I didn't delve deeper into the past and some relationships, so I took it down and expanded it rewriting a lot more detail into the relationship development. All my stories were briefly on FFN but this site sucks for writers in comparison to AO3 so I removed everything. However, when AO3 had its little blips it was annoying not being able to access some stories for me personally so I decided to suck it up and repost my stories here so readers could have their preference back again of which site to read it on. I'm not really as engaged here because of the controls and the formatting of the website. So all my works aren't posted here, my main site is ao3 which has all my works.
Thanks for reading!