Chapter 16
(Sexual assault trigger warning)
Phoebe's POV
I look down in my pants and see blood. Shit. I am at work. The ping of hurt fills my chest. Another month and no baby. I thought I would be this time. We had endless sex.
I have to see a patient in 15 minutes. Luckily in my office I keep extra things. I change my pants and put a tampon in. I sigh washing my hands. I can't be upset here.
This is only our second month trying so we still have a long time before we officially are labeled infertile. I just want a baby now. Seeing Olivia and Maisy be pregnant when neither of them planned to be is hard. Maisy is due in about 5 weeks.
I head up to my patients room. It is a 10 year old boy named Eli who was brought in for treatment. He lashes out and gets angry whenever they try to touch him. His parents both work full time so he is alone from 9 to 5.
I knock on his door and walk in. "Hi Eli, I am Phoebe, can I come in?" I ask him. He stares at me and nods.
"I am not a doctor or a nurse, so I am not going to touch you I just want to talk," I tell him and he looks skeptical.
"About what?" He asks.
"Well I just want to ask you some questions l," I say.
"Okay," he says and stares at the tv.
"Do you like the doctors and nurses here?" I ask him. He shakes his head no.
"Well why not. Nurse Meave is so nice," I say and he shrugs.
"I don't like when they touch me," he says.
"How do you feel when they try to touch you?" I ask him
"Mad," he says and I nod.
"What happens when you feel mad?" I ask.
"I hit them away," he says.
"Can you tell me why you think that is?" I ask him.
"Because they don't ask to touch me they just do it," he says and I make note for his doctors and nurse to explain what they are doing before it happens.
"Well I can talk to them about that. Would you like it better if they explained what they were doing before they touched you?" I ask him.
"Yeah," he says and I nod.
"Okay I will talk to them," I say and he smiles. I know he likes that I listen to him.
"If you want to do this, I brought an activity," I say. He looks at me now because I said if you want to. I am not going to make him feel more out of control.
"What is it?" He asks.
"You said you feel angry when the doctors and nurses try to touch you. I brought us a kit to make an anger ball. It is squishy so whenever you feel angry you can squeeze it really hard," I say and he looks at it.
"And you can draw whatever you want on it," I say and he smiles. "Is this something you want to do?" I ask.
"Yes please," he says and sits up. I lay the kit out and we begin. He draws all over the anger ball. There are basketballs and footballs. I learn his favorite sport is football.
"Now we fill it like this," I say and show him. I help him tie the knot so it stays on super tight.
"Now squeeze," I say and he does.
"Woah this feels so cool," he says and I smile.
"So remember what are we going to do with this?" I ask him.
"When the doctors and nurses make me angry I squeeze it. I don't hit them," he says and I smile nodding.
"Good job," I tell him.
"Do you need anything else before I go?" I ask him.
"Can you tell Nurse Maeve to come in here? I want to show her," he says and I smile. Boom brownie points with the nurses and patients.
"I will," I say and bid him goodbye. I tell Maeve and she heads in. I go back to my office and take some Tylenol to get a head start on my cramps. I should have known. I have been so emotional recently.
My office phone rings and I pick it up. "Phoebe Moore," I say.
"Hey Pheebs, we have a possible sexual assault, we need you," I hear my friend who is a nurse in the ER tell me.
"Shit okay, I'm on my way," I say and grab my bag running downstairs. I run up to the nurses station and they point me to room 24.
"Her name is Claire," the nurse says, handing me the file. I read it really quickly. She lives with her brother who lives in a pretty rough part of town. He had a party and someone snuck in her room.
I go to the room and knock. When I walk in there is a girl, 15 years old, laying on the bed. She is curled up in a ball with a hospital blanket around her. She looks like she has been crying for awhile now.
"Claire, I'm Phoebe, I'm the psychologist here. Do you mind if I come in?" I ask her. She shakes her head no and I nod sitting down.
"Can I get you anything before we talk?" I ask. She shakes her head again.
"You must be feeling pretty scared right now. I want you to know that you are safe here. You are safe to talk, or cry, or yell if you need to. You did the right thing by coming here. We are going to make sure you are healthy," I say and she nods.
"A Doctor is going to come in here and examine you. It might feel scary, but I promise they are going to go slow and explain everything they do to you," I say.
"Do I have to take my clothes off?" She asks. Her voice is so quiet.
"Yes, but that is to make sure you don't have any infections or injuries to your body. You can meet the doctor before and we will talk it through," I say and she nods.
"Do you want to talk about anything before your exam?" I ask her.
"Do you know what happened?" She asks me. I can't lie.
"I read your file, if you want to talk about it we can. If you do not it is perfectly okay. That is your choice to tell your story," I say and she nods.
"I don't want my brother to get in trouble," she says starting to cry.
"Hey Claire, look at me," I say. "Take a deep breath," I say and she nods.
"We aren't going to worry about that right now, let's worry about you being healthy," I say and she nods.
"I'm going to grab the doctor, if you are ready," I say and she nods.
I go out and see Amelia. "Hey who is the doctor on this?" I ask. It just depends who is working this ER shift.
"It's Jamie, but Nathan starts his shift in 30 and Jamie goes to surgery," I nod and tell them to have Jamie come in. I am glad a female can do the internal part of this exam. I am sure the last thing Claire would want would be a boy doctor. Every doctor here is certified to do rape exams. It's the hospital requirement.
I come in with Jamie and introduce her to Claire. "This is Dr. Meyers. She is going to examine you today," I say.
"Now Claire do you want Phoebe in here with you? If that would be something you want, then she can. If not we can kick her out," Jamie says and Claire gives her a small smile.
"Can you stay?" Claire looks at me.
"Of course," I smile.
"Okay now Claire. We are going to have you give us your clothes, we are going to give you different ones to wear home. We need them to collect evidence and DNA. does that make sense?" Jamie asks her.
"Yes," she says.
"Okay phoebe and I are going to step out. You can put on this hospital gown. I need you to put all of your clothes in this bag for me. Including your undergarments," Jamie says and Claire tears up nodding. We both step out. I feel sick.
"Poor girl, how can people do this?" Jamie asks. I shake my head.
After a couple of minutes we step into the room. Claire is sitting nervously. They do the internal exam first to get it out of the way. Then it is all just external.
"Okay Claire. I am going to have you lay back and put your feet in these stirrups. We are going to collect evidence that may be left inside of you. This is really important because this can tell us a lot about who did this and make sure they go to jail," Jamie says.
"Is it going to hurt?" Claire asks.
"It won't hurt, you may just feel some pressure," Jamie says and she nods.
"When you are ready just lay back for me," Jamie says. Claire takes a deep breath and lays back putting her feet up. I stand facing Claire to give her privacy.
"Claire, I am going to insert this to help me see better. Are you ready?" Jamie asks her.
"Yes," she says. As she does it Claire grabs my hand. I hold her hand and rub her arm.
"You're doing so well," I say. Tears roll down her face and I stand there supporting her.
"Okay now this make feel weird. I am
Going to take some swabs," Jamie says and Claire nods. She is sobbing.
"Take deep breaths for me sweetheart," I say and she does.
"Claire do you want me to stop?" Jamie asks her and Claire shakes her head.
"Just finish it," she says.
"Claire, I'm going to take some pictures with this machine. It will let us see any tissue damage. I have to ask have you had sex before this?" Jamie says calmly.
""No," Claire says crying.
"It's okay, you're doing great," I remind her as Jamie sets up the camera. It takes about 15 minutes to get all the pictures taken.
"All done," Jamie says lowering her gown. Claire sits up and I give her a glass of water.
"Claire, you did amazing. I am going to give you some pills to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Dr. Moore is going to finish the rest of your exam because I have to go to a surgery. He is the best do not worry," Jamie says. Claire thanks her and she walks out.
"Can I go home now?" Claire asks.
"We have to do the second part of the exam, Claire. This part is noninvasive so we will just be looking at the outside," I say and Claire nods.
"Then can I go home," I hate that I have to break this news to her.
"Claire, because the assault happened at your brothers house we are not allowed to let you go back there. Do you have any family you could stay with?" I ask her. Tears begin to stream down her face as she shakes her head no.
"Any friends?" I ask her.
"Yeah, I have one friend I can call," she says.
"Why don't we do that," I say. There is a knock at the door and Nathan walks in.
"Claire, why don't you give your friend a call while I catch Dr. Moore up," I say and pass her the phone. She thanks me.
"She's been raped?" Nathan says.
"Yes the man was her brother's friend. She is very fragile. So when you exam her tell her everything you are going to do. Ask her before you touch her. Be very gentle," I say and he nods.
"Are you okay," he asks.
"Let's go inside," I say.
"My friend and her mom are on their way," she says as we walk in. Thank god.
"Okay, that's great. Now Claire Dr. Moore is going to check you out," I say.
Nathan washes his hands and sits on his stool scooting over. "Claire, I'm Dr. Moore nice to meet you," he says and shakes her hand.
"Is it okay that I am here? If you want Dr. meyers back I can sub her surgery?" He asks and she shakes her head.
"It is okay," she says and Nathan smiles.
"Well I am first going to take a listen to your heart," he says and she nods. He puts his stethoscope to her chest then her back.
"You sound great," he says and she smiles.
"Would you be okay if I checked you for bruises?" Nathan asks. She nods. He takes pictures of the bruises on her arms. He then takes pictures of the bruises on her stomach.
"Would it be okay if I swabbed your mouth?" Nathan asks. She nods and opens her mouth. Nathan takes swabs and puts them in tubes.
"I'm going to next use this little stick to collect evidence from your finger nails, is that okay?" He asks and she nods. He uses the stick and goes under her fingernails.
Claire is sobbing by the end of this. I think she is just overwhelmed. I hold my hand out for Nathan to stop. "Claire, talk to me," I say.
"I'm scared, I'm scared he's going to come back," she says.
"Claire the police are going to be stationed outside of your friends house. They also are aware of your case, they have a warrant out for his arrest," I say.
"What if he hurts my brother?" She says.
"Claire, breathe for me," I say and she tries to. I try to help her take deep breaths.
"Claire, no one is going to hurt your brother. The police know about your case. They are going to do everything in their power to keep you safe," I say and she nods.
"I just can't let anything happen to him," she says and I nod.
"You are a good sister for being so worried," I say and she nods. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. We still have parts of the exam left. Nathan is watching us.
"Claire, do you need water?" Nathan asks. Claire shakes her hand.
"I'm okay," she says shakily.
"If you want to rest for a second I can give you a break," Nathan says and she shakes her head.
"Okay, is there anything hurting that I haven't checked?" Nathan asks.
"My my ankle," she says. She has the big fluffy hospital socks on because she said her feet were cold.
"Is it okay if I slide this off?" Nathan asks. She nods and he does. Oh boy. Her ankle is very swollen.
"Claire, when did this happen?" Nathan asks. She pauses and tears start to roll down her face.
"Take your time," Nathan says gently.
"I was running away and it did," she says.
Nathan starts to roll it and when it hits a certain spot she gasps. Nathan pages a nurse and asks for a wrap and ice. Poor girl has been sitting here with this ankle.
The nurse comes in and gives Nathan both. "This May feel a little uncomfortable when I wrap it. After it should feel like a lot less pressure," Nathan explains. He begins doing it and she is gripping my hand.
"All done, I'm going to lay some ice packs on it. If it gets too cold we can get you another blanket," Nathan says. She nods.
"Okay we have to do a blood sample. Have you ever had your blood drawn?" Nathan asks Claire.
"Yeah," she says and he nods.
"Okay, which arm would you prefer?" Nathan asks gathering them supplies.
"The right," she says. I notice she is shivering in her gown. We have donated warm hospital blankets.
"Hey, Claire. Can I go get you a blanket? It will be warmer than these," I hold up the sheet they gave her. She looks at Nathan then at me. Shoot I forgot she might not want to be left alone.
"Yes please," she says sitting back from Nathan.
"I can page a nurse to get it," I say and she shakes her head.
"No I'm okay," she says and I nod. I basically run to get a blanket. I pick the biggest one we have and start to go back when a nurse stops me. She gives me clothes for Claire to wear home. I thank her and walk back in.
When I come back in Nathan has her laughing. I smile at that. I wrap the blanket around her. "Thank you," she says.
"Okay are you ready?" Nathan asks. She nods and grabs my hand. Nathan sticks the needle in and begins to collect a blood sample. Claire has her eyes closed.
"You're almost done," Nathan says. After he finishes he puts the tube of blood in a sealed bag. He bandages her arm up. There is a knock on the door so I go over and crack it. There is the charge nurse standing there.
"There is a detective here to interview Claire," she says.
"She already told her story to the police," I say.
"The detective says he needs to hear it. She can have you with her during it," she says and I nod.
"Send him in but let me talk to her first," I say.
When u walk back in Nathan is taking a couple more swabs from her neck and face. She is laughing as Nathan yells her a story about when a patient gave him a black eye. It was an 8 year old foot to the face.
"Claire, a detective is here and wants to talk to you," I say. "I can stay with you during this or you can choose to be alone if you prefer," I say.
"I already talked to a police officer," she says.
"I know sweetheart, but this is the detective in your case. So he is going to make sure the person that did this goes to jail," I say and she nods.
There is a knock at the door. "Can you stay with me?" She asks. I nod and tell her of course I can. The detective walks in. Of course it's your stereotypical 50 year old man. Do they not have any sense of what is best for the child?
When Nathan starts to leave Claire looks up. "Wait," Nathan turns around.
"Thank you, Dr. Moore," she says.
"Thank you for not giving me a black eye," he says and she laughs. When Nathan leaves Claire begins to tell her story.
It is horrifying. This guy preyed on her and had the music so loud no one could hear her. This was her first time having sex. She said he held her down and forced her.
There was oral and vaginal sex involved. "Did he wear a condom?" The detective asks. She is already horrified. This detective has shown no sympathy.
"I think… I don't remember," she says.
"Try hard to remember," he says and she looks frazzled.
"I I I don't know," she says and tears stream down her face. I rub her back.
"It's okay, you've done great telling your story," I say.
"Did he use anything to restrain you?" He asks her. She closes her eyes and I can see her trying to relive it. I just want to bundle her up and make this go away.
"No just his hands," she says. "But when I tried to move he slammed me against the wooden headboard," she says and I hold back my emotions.
"Do you remember what he was wearing?" He asks.
"I think a grey shirt," she says.
"Did he keep this on during the assault?" He asks.
"I don't know," she says and starts to cry. "I think so?" she says. This poor girl. The last thing she deserves is to be grilled.
"Did he blindfold you?" He asks and she shakes her head. He raises his eyebrows. I am about to sock this motherfucker.
"I closed my eyes," she says. He writes that down.
"How long would you say this went on?" He asks.
"Forty minutes," she says and he nods.
"Was there anything he used to penetrate you besides his fingers or penis?" He asks. Claire looks horrified as she shakes her head.
"Okay Claire, thank you," he says and closes his notebook. He walks out and Claire turns on her side crying.
"I can't," she says.
"Claire, breathe for me," I say and hold her hand taking some deep breaths.
"Talk to me," I say.
"I can't tell it again," she says.
"That's understandable. You are done for today," I say. I don't know if she'll have to tell it again.
"I want to shower, and go home," she says and I nod.
"I know sweetheart, the nurse is going to come in and do one final check," I say.
"I just want to go home," she cries. "I don't want the nurse," she cries.
"You're doing great, Claire. You are so close to being done. Just hold out a little bit longer," I say. I decided to dim the lights a bit.
The nurse walks in. "Hi Claire, I am Jeremy. I am going to be your charge nurse today. I want to make sure you are healthy before you go," when he comes closer she starts to freak out.
"No no no," she cries.
"Claire, Claire calm down sweetheart. Talk to me what's going on?" I ask her.
"No I don't want him," she cries and starts kicking her legs and ends up kicking her wrapped up ankle and slamming it against the table. She cries out in pain.
"Should I get a sedative," the nurse asks.
"I'm not crazy," Claire cries out. I tell the nurse to leave us alone for a minute.
I bend down to Claire's level and grab both of her hands. She keeps crying and soon it becomes more of a whimper. "Claire, what's going on?" I ask her.
"I just want to go home," she says. And I nod.
"I know, we are trying to get you to go home. But to do that we have to check you out one more time, and you just bumped your ankle," I say.
"I don't want him," she says and I nod.
"Would you feel more comfortable with a female?" I ask her. She shakes her head no.
"I just want to leave," she says. Poor girl is exhausted.
"I know. That is understandable. We just have to check you out one more time. This is to make sure we didn't miss anything and you are completely healthy," I say.
"I don't want him," she says and I nod.
"That is okay, who do you want? We can get Dr. Meyers back?" I say and she shakes her head.
"Who would you feel best with?" I ask.
"Can… can Dr. Moore do it?" She asks. I hold back my smile. Oh this husband of mine.
"Let me page him,'' I say. He is on call for the ER. I use my pager and call him. He accepts it. I give Claire a couple sips of water. Nathan knocks and I tell Claire we will be right in.
"Can you do her wellness check before she gets discharged?" I ask.
"Is there no nurse?" He asks concerned.
"No it's Jeremy and when he walked in for some reason she freaked out. She started kicking and banged her ankle pretty bad against the counter. I asked her who she wanted to do it and she said you," I say.
"Oh of course I can. Let's go," he says and walks in the room.
"Hi Claire," he says.
"I'm sorry," she cries saying to him. She is sitting up hunched over. Holding her face in her hands.
"Why are you sorry?" He asks.
"Because you were working and busy," she says crying even harder.
"Claire, look at me," he says and it takes her a second before she does.
"My job as a doctor is to make sure my patients go home safe. Doing this is part of my job. I was not busy. I was waiting for a patient to need me. So you are keeping me busy which I love. I am happy to come in and make sure you are safe to go home. Does that make sense?" He asks gently. I have never seen this side of Nathan when he is working with a patient.
"Yes, I'm sorry," she says.
"Hey no more apologizing. Okay?" He says.
"Okay I promise," she says.
"Pinky promise?" He says making her and I laugh. He holds out his pinky and they link pinkies.
Nathan checks her height and her weight. Her blood pressure, eyes and body one more time. "Can I check your ankle?" He asks.
"I hit it against the table, I'm sorry," she says.
"Claire, you don't have to apologize anymore. No one is mad or upset. It is okay," he says and she nods wiping a stray tear.
He unwraps it and decides to get her an ankle brace instead. He teaches her how to use it. "Okay Claire, you are all set to go home," he says. She nods as he stands up washing his hands. Her friend and the mom are here.
Nathan and I walk her out. The friend's mom embraces her as she comes out. The nurse told me she'll be in good hands. As they start to walk away Claire turns. She walks back and hugs me so tightly. It takes everything out of me not to cry.
"Thank you," she says.
"I am proud of you," I tell her.
"Thank you, Dr. Moore," she says. She hugs him tightly too, taking Nathan by surprise. He bends lower and hugs her back.
"Are you okay?" Nathan asks me. I smile and nod.
"I am going to head back up to my office," I say and he looks at me concerned. "Dr. Moore room 11," the nurse says and he nods.
"See you later," I say and he tries to talk, but I walk away.
I head back up to my office and take a deep breath. It has been a hard day. There is so much emotion going on. I need to get back into seeing my therapist. I have been so stubborn about seeing one.
I finish some paperwork and call it day. When I get home I shower and take more tylenol. My cramps are starting to act up again. I get a glass of wine and sit on the couch.
Nathan gets home shortly after. He doesn't see me on the couch, so he goes and showers. I drink my glass of wine and stare out the space needle. It is one of these hard days that I hate.
"Bee?" Nathan says and I hold up my glass of wine so he can see me.
"Oh I didn't even see you there," he says sitting down and kissing my head. I nod taking another sip.
"I got my period today," I say not looking at him. I don't know if I could take the look of disapointment. I think Nathan realizes that there is nothing that he could say to make this better so he just wraps an arm around me kissing my head.
"Well we will try again," he says and I nod. This process sucks.
"I guess so," I say.
"Talk to me," he says and I shrug.
"There isn't much to say," I tell him and he nods.
"Do you want to talk about today?" He asks. I shake my head no taking another sip of wine.
"What can I do to support you?" He asks and I look at him smiling. Oh this husband of mine. He picks up more pyschologist tips than I think.
"Just hold me," I say and he nods pulling me closer.
"I Love you," he says and I nod.
"Most," I say taking another sip of wine.