It's the first day their shifts have overlapped since the kiss, and Sebastian figures Kurt must be avoiding him.
Any other day and they would have run into each other in the break room, or stopped and chatted for a moment in the halls, or… something.
… Or Kurt would have answered at least one of the twelve text messages Sebastian has sent him since he rushed out of that karaoke bar.
He fucked up. He fucked up bad.
And he has no one to blame but himself.
He should have known this was where things were going. He's done this before, he should have known.
What is it about men he can't have?
He doesn't want to be the other man, not really. Once upon a time that was kind of his thing, and it worked well for him back then. He'd never gotten too involved, just enjoyed the thrill of it, knowing that he could make a taken man want him enough to act on it. He got off to it, if he's honest, the power of it. There's something about a man risking his relationship for you that's a high like he'd never experienced.
But it's messy, too. Not for him, of course, he wasn't the one cheating on a partner, wasn't the one getting caught and having his whole world pulled out from under him. And somewhere along the way, he realized that he did kind of care about that. He'd argued it away for a while, it's not his fault these men decided to cheat, if it wasn't him then it would be someone else. But it nagged at him, in the back of his mind, until the guilt he felt at his involvement outweighed the thrill of the experience, and after a particularly messy encounter when his most recent affair's wife had followed them back to Sebastian's apartment, he'd told himself he wouldn't do it again.
And here he is. Doing it again.
It's different though, with Kurt. Because Kurt is his friend, he's not just some guy he's trying to seduce for sex. It was never meant to be about this, so how the hell did they get here? Is he just that incapable of being friends with a married man? Is it just some fundamental part of him that sees what he can't have and wants?
Is he just that fucked up? Why can't he just be friends with Kurt?
Kurt kissed him first, technically, but it doesn't really matter. This still feels like his fault. He's the one who started it, started the flirting and the texting and the innocent-but-not-really touches. He'd tried to convince himself that's just who he is, he's a flirt and he's like that with everyone but it doesn't mean anything.
He's not sure at what point it went from the truth to a lie he kept telling himself so he wouldn't have to stop.
Whatever is going on, though, he needs to get it under control.
Kurt is his friend.
Kurt is married.
Kurt and his husband are still mourning their child.
How fucked up do you have to be to take advantage of a man in that situation?
How fucked up do you have to be to kiss him back?
Kurt was drunk, and vulnerable, and Sebastian should have known better than to get this involved, should have been able to keep his fucking hands to himself, and he's ruined any chance of them being anything now because of course Kurt must hate him after that.
Did Kurt tell Blaine? Does Blaine know?
Of course Blaine knows. Kurt loves Blaine. Kurt probably went home and told Blaine the second he walked through the door, and Blaine probably forgave him.
… Or maybe Blaine didn't forgive him, and that's why Kurt has been avoiding him.
He's not sure which would be worse.
Except of course he does, of course Blaine not forgiving him is worse. Sebastian is an asshole but he's not a bad person, he doesn't want to ruin Kurt's marriage.
… Right?