Chapter 31
(Phoebe's POV)
I wake up feeling more sick than usual. I run to the toilet and start heaving into it. My stomach starts to cramp as I do. Ouch. Is this normal? I keep throwing up until I can't anymore. I grab a piece of tissue paper and wipe off my mouth. I stand up and my stomach cramps again.
I walk out and wash my hands and brush my teeth. Nathan comes in after me. "Good morning," he says and comes behind me kissing my neck. I smile at him through the mirror.
"Good morning," I say and feel another sharp cramp that makes me hunch over. Nathan holds me up by my hips.
"Bee, what's wrong?" He asks.
"I woke up and felt more sick than usual, and now my stomach is really cramping. Worry pits in my stomach. What if this isn't normal? Another sharp cramp comes and Nathan guides me to bed. He hasn't said anything. I lay down as he sits on the side of the bed facing me. He feels my forehead and then checks my pulse.
"You have been under so much stress recently and haven't been sleeping well. I feel you tossing and turning at night so don't argue. Call in today and rest. I don't want you on your feet at all. I will come home at lunch and check on you and tell Sawyer to be checking on you," he says.
"Nate, I really can't call in today," I say.
"Why," he asks and stares at me.
"Because I have a commitment to my patients and the hospital. I am supposed to go see 2 patients today and I have paperwork," I say and try to sit up. Nathan gently presses me back to lay down.
"You have a work laptop, do your paperwork here. Who are the two patients?" He asks.
"Henry and a new patient," I say. Nathan's face changes as he begins to understand.
"I will go see Henry and play with him. I will have Jeanette cover you on the new patient," he says. I smile as he knows I don't want Henry to be alone. I guess I should for the safety of this nugget take it easy.
"Go into my office before you see Henry and grab the blue bag. It has Henry's favorite truck," I say. Nathan smiles at me and leans down kissing my head.
"I will have Sawyer check in on you, and I will come home at lunch. If you start to feel sick call me immediately," he says and I nod.
"Okay, love you" I say and I kiss him.
"Love you too, Bee," Nathan says and heads out. I lay in bed and close my eyes. I drift off to sleep for awhile. When I wake up the cramping is back and worse. I stand up and go to get the heating pad we keep in the closet. I grab it and all of a sudden I feel my underwear dampen. My heart falls to the floor as I run to the bathroom. I pull down my pants and sit on the toilet.
My world stops.
In my underwear is blood. Not just spotting like Dr. Greene warned me could happen. Blood and a lot of it. It isn't stopping either. I can't move, I feel paralyzed. I try to stop the blood and it isn't. Finally I get it under control. I scream. Not just any scream. A scream I don't recognize. Sawyer bursts in and knocks on the door.
"Call Nathan, we need to leave when I come out," I say.
I put a pad on my underwear and change pants. I quickly grab my phone and call Dr. Greene's office.
More blood. I feel it. More blood.
They ask me a bunch of questions and agree I need to be seen right away. They say to come as soon as I can. I leap up and skip getting dressed my grey joggers and sweatshirt will have to do. I am in autopilot as I grab my keys. All I can think about is my baby. Please be okay. Please.
Sawyer follows me out. He drives me to Dr. Greene's office and doesn't ask questions. When I get there I rush inside.
I get taken back right away and they ask me to fill out a sheet while we wait for Dr. Greene. I check off my symptoms. "Mrs. Moore?" A nurse knocks. I turn to face her. I can't form words.
"Your husband is here, may I send him back?" She asks. I nod and know Nathan is not happy that he wasn't taken back right away. I know if this baby isn't okay, that I will have failed him.
Nathan bursts through the door. As soon as I see him the dam bursts. I cry into my hands. "He has to be okay," I say.
"Shhh we don't know what this is yet," Nathan says. But we both know exactly what this is.
There is a knock on the door and Dr. Greene walks in. "Hi there," she says and I muster a half smile. She knows we aren't in the mood for small talk.
"Let's see what is going on here, Phoebe lay back for me," she says and I do. Nathan comes and grips my hand standing beside me. She inserts the wand and is looking at the ultrasound machine.
Tears roll down my face as we wait in silence. Nathan leans down and kisses my head. "It's okay. It's okay," he says but we both know it isn't. Dr. Greene turns and faces the screen to us.
"So looking at black and white here, black is fluid so there is fluid all along here. Then this is the cavity of the uterus and that is normal if you weren't pregnant. At almost 10 weeks you would see a sack here. So the bleeding means you miscarried, but you also took care of it all on your own," those words about break me. Tears fill my eyes and roll down my face. I nod as she keeps checking a couple more things. Nathan leans down and kisses my head.
"I am going to leave you to get dressed, Phoebe. When you are ready a nurse will come in and draw blood to check your hormone levels. I am so sorry for your loss. But before I go I want you to know that this is natural. This is not your fault. You did not do anything, nothing you did caused this. Do not try to sort through everything you did while pregnant. This is not your fault," she says and pats my hand offering me a reassuring smile. I thank her quietly. When the door shuts I feed my legs through my pants and pull them up. Nathan comes and stands in front of me. He wraps his arms around me and we hug. Neither of us say anything.
I lost our baby.
We don't move from our embracing position. Neither of us has anything to say. All the thoughts of Nathan holding our newborn, the first steps, the first words, the cuddles. They are all ripped from me without warning. Tears roll down my face.
There is a knock at the door and Nathan and I step back. The nurse comes in and draws my blood. After she gives me paperwork to sign and a packet of information about miscarrying. She says they will have more information after they look at my hormone levels. She also tells me that I need to rest. If possible to take work off for the next week. I nod and when they say we can go part of me doesn't want to leave. I want them to tell me it was a joke. That my baby is still here with me.
"Come on, Bee," Nathan says and takes my hand. When we walk through the waiting room there are two pregnant couples waiting to be seen. Their hands resting on their bellies. The smiles on their face. I feel angry. Why us?
When we step outside, it is drizzling. I stop and look up at the sky letting the rain hit my face. When we get into the car it is silent. "Bee," Nathan starts but I shake my head. I can't hear him tell me it will all be okay. I can't hear him tell me this isn't my fault. Because that is a lie.
My job as a mom was to carry that baby and protect it from all harm. I failed. The one job I had I failed at. Nathan is devastated. He probably thinks I am a failure. Tears keep rolling down my cheek. This feels like a nightmare.
When we get home I rush into the bedroom and shut the door. I crawl into bed and turn on my side. I put my face into the pillow and sob. Why this baby? Why couldn't I have kept this baby safe?
I hear the door open and I don't move from my spot of soaking my pillow. I just want to know what I did wrong. I feel the bed dip and Nathan pulls me to his chest. He doesn't try to talk which I appreciate. He just holds the back of my head and rubs my back. Everything hurts. My body, my head, my chest, my heart.
I keep crying into Nathan's shirt. I cry until there is nothing left. I cry until I pass out.
When I wake up the room is dark. For a second I forget. Then reality comes flooding back in. I lost our child this morning. Nathan isn't in bed next to me. I check the clock and see it is dinner time. I walk out and find Nathan on the phone. When he sees me he quickly ends the call.
"I ordered pizza," he says and I nod. I am too tired to argue about eating. I sit down at the counter.
"How are you feeling pain wise?" He asks. I shrug.
"About the same," I say and Nathan nods.
"Bee, you know this isn't your fault," he says and I laugh.
"Who's fault is it then," I say. My question takes him aback.
"Nobody's," he answers and I shake my head.
"I was the one carrying the baby," I say and Nathan comes over.
"Bee there was nothing you could have done differently," he says and I shrug.
"I just, I just I thought it was our turn," I say and look up at him. Nathan nods and wipes a stray tear away that falls from my eye.
"We will have our turn baby, we will," he says and I nod.
We eat dinner quietly. I have a piece of pizza and some water. I am not very hungry but know Nathan doesn't need the added stress of me not eating. I hold his hand as we walk to bed. We lay down facing each other in the bed. It is dark out and I am exhausted. Nathan is stroking my hair.
"Nathan?" I ask looking at his beautiful face.
"Yes Bee," he says. I sink into his hand as he massages my head.
"I'm sorry," I say and Nathan pulls back.
"Hey, look at me," he says and my eyes meet his.
"Do not apologize to me. This is not your fault. We are going to get through this together. I love you so much, Bee. Never think that I am upset at you," he says and wipes a tear that falls.
"I love you too," I say and drift off to sleep.
When I wake up in the morning Nathan isn't in bed. Reality sinks in again and I realize what happened yesterday wasn't a nightmare. I get up and head out to find Nathan.
When he isn't in the kitchen or the workout room I get concerned. His car keys are still here. I walk upstairs and see the light is on in the nursery. Or what would be the nursery. I walk in and find Nathan asleep in the rocking chair.
If I wasn't heartbroken before this sight just about does it. I walk over to him and bend down next to him. I miss his head and he slowly wakes up.
"Shit Bee," he says.
"It's okay, it's okay," I say and he stands up. We hug and he holds me tightly to him. When I look up at him for the first time in 11 years of knowing him I see tears in his eyes.
We stand there both crying and hugging. This feeling is inexplicable. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurting. It is all in one.
"I need to shower, you need to eat. ," Nathan says and I nod.
"I should call my parents and tell them," I say and he nods.
"We're going to be okay," I say and he nods.
"I know baby," he says and wipes his eyes. I think he is uncomfortable that he let himself cry. He always wants to be so strong for me.
"I am going to call my mom," I say and Nathan nods kissing my head. I just want to talk to my mom. She picks up on the second ring.
"Hi, Phoebe Girl. How are you?" She asks.
"I've been better," I say, my voice breaking as I speak. I sit in the rocking chair.
"Oh honey. What is wrong?" She asks, sounding concerned.
"Umm well I had a miscarriage yesterday," I say and start sobbing.
"Phoebe, oh Phoebe. Honey, I am so sorry. Did you and Nathan know you were pregnant?" She asks.
"We have known for about a month," I cry.
"Oh honey, I am so sorry. Do you want me to come over?" She asks.
"It's okay," I say, but I really need a hug from my mom.
"Do you want me to have dad come?" she asks. Tears slip out of my eyes. My dad is going to be crushed.
"No I think Nathan and I just need some time," I say and she says she understands.
"How are you physically feeling?" She asks.
"My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts," I cry.
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Can we do anything for you?" She asks.
"We've just been sleeping a lot," I say.
"Do they know why this happened?" My mom asks. I can tell by her voice she is crying.
"They took blood and said they'll call me," I say.
"Phoebe, i know this is so sudden and I can't imagine how hard it is. Is Nathan okay?" She asks.
"He has been so supportive. We are both crushed," I say.
"Maybe you guys could look into seeing someone," she says.
"Mom I had a miscarriage yesterday. I'm trying to get myself physically better. It hurts to stand," I say. I don't mean to snap but I am just so emotionally spent.
"I know, I was just suggesting," she says and I now feel bad for snapping at her. I hear my dad walk in and ask who my mom is talking to. She says me.
"Phoebe do you want to talk to your dad or I can," she says and I know I need to tell him. I should have had them both sit down.
"I can," I say.
"I love you, my phoebe girl, maybe I can stop by tomorrow," she says and I know she is itching to see me.
"Yes please," I say. My mom after a long goodbye hands the phone to
My dad.
"Bubs, what's up?" He asks. I start to cry.
"Bubs, whats going on? Why are you crying?" He asks and I get so sad.
"I had a miscarriage yesterday," I say and my dad is silent.
"Phoebe, I am so sorry," he says and takes a deep breath.
"Nathan and I found out last month, yesterday when we went in I had miscarried," I say and I know how upset my dad is.
"Can we bring dinner over? How are you? How can I make this better?" My dad is a fixer. He always has been. He wants to make all of our problems go away.
"We have just been laying low. I told mom you guys should come over tomorrow," I say and I hear my dad pacing.
"Does Dr. Greene know why this happened?" He asks.
"Not yet," I say and he sighs.
"Phoebe, you didn't deserve this. God, I am so sorry honey," he says and I nod.
"Thanks Dad," I say.
"Have you been sleeping? Have you been eating?" He asks.
"Yes both," I say.
"Good," he says. I yawn and rub my head
I wrap up the conversation with my dad and sit in the nursery. These next couple of weeks are going to be so tough. This is so hard.