Chapter 40

(Phoebe's POV)

We just landed. I am exhausted. The trip was so much fun and I am so thankful we got to go. Andrew and I had the best day while the other two worked. Then Nate and I got to go to dinner. It is around 8, Henry is going to be in bed late tonight. I grab my carry on as we exit the plan.

"Okay, you two we need to see our nephew soon," Ava says and I smile at her use of the word nephew.

"Yes, well have you both over," Nathan says and I smile.

"Love you Grey," Ava says and hugs me.

"Bye Pheebs," Andrew says and wraps me in his arms.

After we bid them goodbye, we get into the car and head to my parents. I smile at Nathan and he puts his hand on my leg. "Thank you for going with me," he says and I smile.

"Thank you for taking me," I say and he starts driving. On the way home I start to feel super sick.

"Babe," I say and Nathan looks over at me. We are on the freeway. Luckily it is nighttime so there are not a lot of cars.

"Pull over," I say holding my mouth. Nathan quickly takes an exit and pulls over. I hop out of the car and vomit all over the side of the road. Nathan runs around and takes my hair in his hands.

"Let it out," Nathan says, rubbing my back.

I stand up a little disoriented. Nathan hands me his bottle of water and I wash my mouth out. Jeez. What the hell was that? Nathan feels my head and looks into my eyes.

"Do you feel okay?" He asks me.

"Now I do, that was so weird," I say. We get back into the car and I buckle myself in.

"I wonder if it was something I ate," I say.

"Maybe, I hope you aren't getting sick," Nathan says and I shrug.

We drive off and I feel fine the rest of the way. By the time we get to my parents I have forgotten about the incident. I am just so excited to see Henry. I get out and we walk up. When I open the door to my parents, I see Henry and my dad on the floor rolling a truck. Henry is in a fit of giggles because my dad made the truck crash.

"Hi guys," Nathan says and Henry stands up and starts running full speed toward us.

"Bee bee," he says and crashes into me. I kneel down and take him in my arms. I put my nose in his hair and hold him tightly. Oh I missed this little man. He makes me the happiest.

"Nate," Henry says and switches to hugging Nate. Nathan is on the floor with me holding him. I see relief fill Nathan's face as he holds Henry.

I get up and hug my mom and dad. "How was he?" I ask. Henry and Nate are playing in the background.

"He was great, that boy loves you both so much," my dad says and I smile.

"Thank you guys again for taking him. I am sure you are exhausted," I say and they look at each other and laugh.

"Nothing we can't handle. We will see you guys next week here?" My mom asks. Henry is turning two in a week. My parents are having his party.

My parents are making it car themed. Since his birthday is the end of November it will be cold. It is going to be inside, but my parents still managed to get Henry a remote control car big enough for him to sit in and drive. I know he is going to freak out over it.

"That sounds great," I say. Nathan walks over holding Henry. He puts his hand on my back.

"He's exhausted," Nathan says.

"We should go," I smile. I hug my parents again and Nathan hugs them too.

They each take turns saying goodbye to Henry. I think my parents are sad to see him go. I know they loved their time with him. Who wouldn't?

"Henry, did you have fun at Nana and Bub's house?" I ask him.

"Pway," He says and I smile. He is telling us he played. Gosh he is the best.

"Did you play with cars?" I ask him.

"Yep," he says and I laugh. He won't say yes only yep.

When we get home Henry is fast asleep in his car seat. Luckily, my parents had him in pajamas. I grab our bags and Nathan grabs Henry. I am not tall enough to transfer him out of the car without waking him.

We ride upstairs and Nathan leans Henry down to me so I can kiss him goodnight. I do and then Nathan heads upstairs. I grab a glass of water and sit down. I think back to throwing up and bite my nails. I don't think I am pregnant, but I am late on my period and my body was achy this past weekend. There is no way I am pregnant. I just had a miscarriage.

I pull out my phone and google pregnancy after miscarriage. The first thing that comes up is:

"Couples who try to conceive within three months of a miscarriage may be more likely to become pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy than those who wait longer."

My stomach drops. Am I pregnant? We didn't use contraceptives anytime after my miscarriage and I am not on birth control. We also have sex a lot. Like a lot a lot.

"What is going on?" Nathan asks. I close the tab and put my phone down.

"What?" I ask.

"You look like someone just sent you a death threat," Nathan says and I smirk. "You have your hand in your mouth biting your nails and your pale. What is going on?" Nathan asks.

"Oh nothing, I was just reading an article that Maisy sent me about baby psychology," I say. Technically that is not a lie, Maisy did send me an article earlier.

"She is so strange," Nathan says and I nod laughing. He isn't wrong.

"Are you feeling better?" Nathan asks and puts his hand on my head again.

"Yes," I smile and he nods.

"Let's get to bed," Nathan says, grabbing my hand. I smile and follow him. We both get into our pajamas and crawl into bed together. I am exhausted and ready for a good night's sleep. Except for the fact that my heart is racing because I might be pregnant.

"Goodnight, Bee. I love you," Nathan says wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Goodnight," I say and sit awake staring at the wall. I look at my bedside table. There is a picture of Nathan and I on our wedding day. I look so happy. Nathan looks so happy. I love that picture.

My brain zones out for a little until I remember why I am awake. I turn and see Nathan sleeping peacefully. I slip under Nathan's arm and get out of bed. I don't wake him up, which is amazing. I would tell him what is going on and I feel like I should, but I just don't want to disappoint him.

I go into my cabinet and dig behind all of the tampon and pad boxes. I find my box of pregnancy tests. One left. I am really debating whether to take it or not. I don't want to be disappointed, but I need to know.

I go into the bathroom and pull my pants down. I pee on the stick and take care of the rest. I lay the stick down flat on the counter and wait. I look at the clock and see that it is half past midnight. I am so nervous. I am pacing back and forth.

If I am not pregnant, it is okay. Nathan said we have so much time and we do. I am only 26. We have Henry too. Oh my gosh, Henry. If I am pregnant what is going to happen with Henry? Will he like the baby? Will he feel left out? Will he still be here? Tears prick my eyes at the thought of Henry leaving us to go to a forever home. Adoption is always in the back of my mind. I need to talk to Lia about that.

Beep Beep Beep

The sound that makes my heart stop. I pick up the test and my heart drops.

NOT PREGNANT

I nod and wipe a stray tear. It is okay. We have time. I repeat. I wrap the test up and throw it away hiding the evidence. I get back into bed and sigh. I lay on my side as tears fall from my eyes. This is so hard. So so hard.

I try not to compare myself to other people. But Maisy and Olivia both got pregnant without trying. My own mother got pregnant without trying. Why is it so hard for me? All Nathan wants is a baby and I can't give it to him. It is so hard not to feel like a failure.

I cry and cry. Suddenly, Nathan shifts and I close my eyes to pretend to be asleep. I don't want him to be worried about me. "Bee," I hear his sleepy but very sexy voice.

I don't answer. "I know you're awake," he says and I sigh. I turn so we are facing each other.

"Did I wake you?" I ask him and run my hands through his hair.

"No, why are you awake?" He asks.

"I was just peeing," I say and he sits up on his elbow and looks at me.

"You've been crying," he sasyd and I shake my head.

"Sleep," I say and go to turn back on my side. He grabs my shoulders and doesn't let me turn.

"I can't sleep knowing you're upset," he says and I sigh.

"I am not upset," I say. Note to self never cry in bed he will wake up. It is not that I want to be secretive, I just want to preserve his feelings. Nathan sighs and wraps me in his arms tightly.

"I am holding you till you fall asleep," Nathan says and strokes my head. I nod and close my eyes. I lay my head on his chest and end up falling asleep pretty quickly.

When I wake up, Nathan is in the shower and Henry is yelling for us. I smile and head upstairs. Henry is singing veggie tales in his bed. I open the door and he gets out of bed. We put a child proof handle on his door so he doesn't try to come downstairs and fall down the stairs in the night time.

"Good morning, mister," I say and Henry comes over and hugs me. His morning hugs make me so happy.

"Are you hungry?" I ask.

"Yep," he says and I laugh. I pick him up and take him downstairs. I decide to make pancakes for everyone. I put on Moana and let Henry play in the living room.

I finish up the pancakes and call for Henry. I set Henry up at the table and give himhis sippy cup full of milk. He's eyes are glued to the TV screen.

"Henry, what do we say to Bee Bee?" I hear Nathan ask. He walks in the room in his black pants and grey long sleeve shirt. He looks amazing. Like I could jump him right now.

"Tank you," Henry says and I smile ruffling his hair.

"Do you want some I made extra?" I ask. I pass him his cup of coffee.

"Sure," Nathan says and I make him a plate. He smiles and thanks me.

We sit with Henry as he eats. I sit next to Nathan and he looks over at me. "What happened last night?" He asks. I was waiting for that.

"Nothing," I say and Nathan sighs.

"Bee," he says and I close my eyes.

"Not now," I say. I can't have this conversation right now. There isn't even a conversation to be had.

"It is worrying me, I know something is up. I could see how sad you were last night," Nathan says.

"Bee, sad? Bee Cwy?" Henry says and is leaning over looking at me. I smile and shake my head.

"When he naps," Nathan says and I nod.

"No Henry, Bee Bee is happy. I am not sad," I say. He nods and goes back to shoveling pancakes in his mouth.

"We have to give him his present," I say.

"I can go get it," Nathan says and I nod, taking both their plates to the sink.

We take Henry to his playroom and sit him down. "Are you ready?" I ask him and he nods smiling. He is rocking back and forth.

"Here you go," I say and Nathan holds it out to him. He gets the worlds biggest smile on his face and we laugh.

"Henry look," I say and he smiles and claps his hands.

We show him how to work the car with the remote control and he is laughing as it goes back and forth. "Tank you," he says and hugs us both. I smile at Nathan as Henry uses the car. He is so smart for his age.

Henry plays with his car for hours. He refuses to give it up. I am so happy we got it for him. His reaction makes it all worth it. I love how obsessed he is with it.

We play dress up and tag. Nathan and Henry play hide and seek. Really it is just Nathan hiding under the same blanket, Henry counts to three and knows exactly where he is. Precious is an understatement.

After a while, Henry starts to wind down. I can tell he is ready for his nap. He is fussy and not wanting to play with anything we give him. He says no and stomps his feet.

"Hey Hen, it is time to nap," I say and he shakes his head no.

"Come here," I say and when I go to pick him up he starts crying and runs away. He is a quick little thing. Luckily he runs past Nathan and Nathan swoops him up. He is thrashing and crying.

"No nap," he says repeatedly. This proves how ready he is to go down.

Nathan says he has him and takes him upstairs. I grab the monitor and watch as Nathan rocks Henry side to side trying to calm him. Henry's yells turn into whimpers. When he is calmed down him and Nathan lay on his bed. It is so funny seeing Nathan in his tiny bed.

Nathan reads Henry Goodnight Moon and Henry is passed out after. We let him sleep usually for an hour or two depending on how exhausted he is. Today seems like a two hour nap day. He did get to bed very late last night.

When Nathan comes down I high five him and he laughs. "You got it," I say and he smiles.

"I still got it," he says and sits down next to me.

"Should I even bother trying to ask," Nathan says, bringing it up again. I love how much he cares. I really should just tell him.

"I just was thinking about Henry leaving us," I say. That is partially the truth.

"Bee," Nathan says and takes my hand.

"Have you thought about adoption," I say, bringing it up.

"With Claire, it was different. We knew she had a forever home waiting for her. With Henry it could come at any time. We could have him for a year and then he gets adopted. I don't know if I could have that happen." I say and Nathan nods.

"I know. Of course, I have thought about adoption. He fits right into our family and is the best kid, I just wouldn't want us to get our hopes up,``Nathan says and I nod. We both know how tricky adoption can be.

"Would you be open to talking to Lia?" I ask Nathan.

"Of course I would, let me know when she can and I will be there," Nathan says and I smile.

"I need you to start talking to me, Bee," Nathan says. I nod. I know I do.

"I know, I just don't want you to be worried about me," I say and Nathan smiles.

"I am more worried when you don't talk to me," He says and I guess that does make sense.

"I love you, I am sorry I didn't talk to you," I say and he wraps me in his arms.

"It is okay, I love you too," he says and kisses the top of my head.

"Have I mentioned how sexy you look today?" I ask him. He laughs and brings me in for a kiss.

"Have I mentioned how beautiful you are," he says and I roll my eyes. I am in my pajamas still. My hair is pulled into a messy ponytail.

"I mean it," he says and I smile kissing him. This boy.

We spend the rest of the day hanging out with Henry and playing. He is so sweet and loves getting us to himselves. I love this family of mine.