A/N: I am so, so, so sorry for the delay between updates. I admit I've been rather unsure of myself and the story I'm trying to tell here. But I miss Hal & Murtagh and I'd rather post something than leave this story hanging. So here you go, if you're still following. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy!
"…and then he tried to intimidate me!"
Giles' eyes widened. "No."
"Yes!" Hal drunkenly shouted.
"I did not," Murtagh countered, easily the soberest of the group.
"Tell me your name," Hal mimicked, dropping her voice to try and match his tone and bass from a night that seemed like eons ago.
"That sounds like intimidation," Giles confirmed, nodding at Hal.
"Thank you!" Hal shot Murtagh an I-told-you-so smirk that made him roll his eyes.
"Okay, but in my defense, you didn't come off with the warmest of bedside manners."
"I saved your life; I didn't have to."
"She makes a fair point."
"Will you stop agreeing with everything she says?"
"Actually, I quite like Giles like this. We should get drunk more often."
"I'll drink to that!" he cheered enthusiastically, and they both clinked their glasses together before tipping their heads back.
When they were done, Murtagh snatched the now empty glass out of Hal's hand. "I'm cutting you off," he told her, his voice firm as she pouted.
She smacked her lips together. "I'm not even that drunk." But she accepted his canteen as he passed it over to her, appreciating the cool water. They were sitting outside in a secluded part of the garden, their backs to Thorn, who blocked the sharp, chilly wind while Murtagh had lit a fire in the pit to help them keep warm. Giles and Hal had supplied the goods, having stolen unopened bottles of wine and snacks from the kitchens, running and laughing out of the castle halls like children at their score. They had first toasted to Thorn and Murtagh's pardon before Giles and Hal began to swap stories at Murtagh's expense.
"You've hardly touched your wine." Hal leaned forward to examine his still full second glass.
"No, you can't have it," he chastised, lifting it out of her reach and setting it down on the other side of him. Hal protested as Giles leaned forward and snatched the glass for himself. "Besides, I don't want to be drunk. I want to remember this night. Every moment."
"So sentimental," she teased, but she smiled when she met his gaze, easing into his chest. Murtagh wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and she snuggled in even closer before adding, "Could you imagine the celebration we would be throwing if we were back on Illium?"
"I would be peeling you and the villagers off the ground," Murtagh said.
"Oh, Giles, I hope one day you get to see it. You would love it. The food, the drinks, the music, the dancing."
"It sounds like my kind of party," the man said with an approving nod, stroking his chin thoughtfully.
"I can picture it so clearly," Hal said, closing her eyes. She started humming out loud, swaying to a tune only she could hear. Murtagh vaguely recognized it and could almost picture the villager pounding furiously at the drums, the crowds clapping to the beat as they danced.
"Did you know I made Murtagh dance with me," Hal said, still swaying as she looked over at Giles.
"I don't know who I feel sorrier for," Giles teased, "but I would pay to see that."
Hal gasped and Murtagh immediately put his foot down. "Hal, no!"
"Murtagh, yes!" She was already on her feet, trying to gently pull him to his as well. "Don't be such a shy little kitten."
"Hal, there is no music."
"Giles, we need music!"
The drunken redhead began to clap a clumsy tune, and Hal began move her hips and shoulders, somehow managing to find the rhythm. Murtagh shook his head, clearly outmatched. "I am not drunk enough for this," he commented.
"And whose fault is that?" Hal chastised. "Now dance with me, rider. You are a free man. Dance with your future wife."
He could tell by the mischievous sparkle in her eyes that she knew these words would weaken him. And despite his embarrassment at his lack of skill, he could not help but join in on the obvious merriment of the group. He let Hal take the lead, but he spun her and dipped her, his hands in hers or on her waist while he tried not to strain his back. Eventually Giles joined in, and Murtagh was glad for the opportunity to sit down before he embarrassed himself further. Giles had no reservations with so much wine in his system, and clumsily danced with Hal, who laughed with delight. It felt so familiar, watching how she would lift her skirts so that she didn't trip over them, the natural comfort with which she moved and controlled her body. Her smile filled her face, and she radiated a joy he had not seen in her since Denu had died. He could've watched her like this for hours.
When they finally began to settle down, Hal was bowing as Giles applauded and praised her talents. She turned to Murtagh, her expression lighting a different kind of fire in him. She smirked mirthfully, knowingly, and he felt his stomach clench with pleasant nerves. Still swaying back and forth, she asked, "Tell me, rider, will you still be this shy to dance with me at our wedding?"
He blushed, recalling the first wedding he attending and the lovely dance the couple shared. In front of the entire village. Despite his few moments of dance, he still felt rather anxious at the thought of such a display of intimacy on his rhythmless feet. He knew no one would judge him, although they might tease. Yet he nervously scratched the back of his head, busying himself with his canteen rather than answering.
"You poor thing. Whatever shall we do with you?"
"It is as you always say: I'm simply hopeless."
"What are you talking about?" Giles interjected, his face scrunched up in confusion. "You're a wonderful dancer. Half the ladies of the court were always trying to —"
"Shut up, Giles," Murtagh snapped, throwing a twig at the man.
Hal laughed. "Oh, I know he can dance. He danced with me once before and he was perfectly light on his feet. He's just being shy."
"Sounds like someone needs to get over a bit of stage fright then." Murtagh rolled his eyes as Giles threw his head back and quickly finished off the rest of Murtagh's wine. Then he let out a long, weary sigh and rose to his feet, stumbling a bit as he did so. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he murmured, his words slurring a bit as Hal moved to help him. "Just got up a little too quickly, is all."
Giles popped his back as Hal asked, "Are you leaving us so soon?"
"I'm going to bed before I drink too much and earn myself a hangover. I'm not as young as I used to be, you know."
"Well, we already miss you, Giles."
He waved his hand at Hal as if swatting a fly. Scratching his bottom as he walked off, he shouted over his shoulder, "Congratulations on your freedom, Morzansson. May you enjoy it until the day you are bound to that That One for the rest of your life."
Murtagh covered up his laugh with a cough. Hal smiled. "I'm in such a good mood, I won't even make him regret those words until tomorrow."
"Your restraint is one to be admired."
Hal shot him a coy look out of the corner of her eye. For a moment, he thought the prolonged eye contact was meant to be flirtatious. However, something in Hal's gaze shifted unexpectedly, her smile fading as her expression lost its humor and warmth from before. In its place was a familiar sadness, a heaviness that, once beheld, robbed Murtagh of his own amusement. It was hard, how sudden and common such a shift in her emotions had become. He had hoped that, just for tonight, her smile would last a little longer.
Thorn, observing Hal's changing mood as well, extended his neck to touch his nose to her cheek, pulling her out of her reverie as he studied her with a concerned, red eye. She smiled, although it did not hold its usual merriment.
"I'm sorry," Hal said, gazing from Thorn to Murtagh with a bashful look. Clearly, she had realized how quickly the mood of the night had shifted with her own. "I was just thinking." She moved towards him, then sat down so that her body faced his. "When Roran came to visit you, he mentioned writing home to my family with news of our engagement. And just now, as Giles was leaving, I suddenly felt how quiet it was. Thousands of people in this city and yet we are the only ones celebrating you and Thorn's freedom."
That does not bother us though, Thorn assured her, and Murtagh nodded in agreement.
"I know it doesn't. But it bothers me. It's not so much about the volume of people celebrating. It's just the nature of such milestones are being missed by those who would wish to see such things. I always knew that my family would not be around the day I chose a husband. But knowing that, and experiencing it feel very different. If anything, the cruel irony of the actual situation is perhaps even worse. Even in such joyful moments, their absence is felt. And it hurts more than I care to admit."
He brushed the loose tendrils of her curls back from her face, unable to look away from her. She turned towards the palm of his hand and kissed it. At this, she met his gaze and smiled. "I did not mean to sour such an occasion with my temperament."
"I don't mind it. I knew something was bothering you. I'm glad you told me."
For a while, they said nothing more, just sat in their small bubble of comfortable silence. Murtagh found himself looking up at the stars, suddenly thinking of his mother. Of what she would feel of his pardon. Would she even care?
"I feel like everything is about to change," Hal murmured. He lowered his gaze to look back at her. "Do you feel it?"
Murtagh didn't know if it was things were about to change, or it was just that they themselves were catching up to the changes that were happening, attempting to wrestle a level of control over their situation. Thea had blindsided them. But he hoped that they would soon find themselves with the upper-hand.
He was unsure as to why he didn't answer her. Something about the nervous look on her face made him want to erase her worries. At least for a little while. He leaned forward and kissed her, tilting her chin towards him. The fermented berries from the wine coated her tongue, her small breaths through her nose tickling his face. She unfurled slowly, moving closer as he wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest, Hal kneeling between his legs. Her heart thrummed against her chest, her fingers gripping the material of his tunic.
He could feel her lips pull into a smile as his hands slid under the tie of her cloak, his fingers gracing the curve of her neck as she teasingly pulled away. "While I'm not complaining, that technically doesn't answer my question."
He should've known she wouldn't let him get out of it so easily. Her pulse thrummed under his fingers as she watched him, her gaze shifting to reveal the depths of her concern.
"I do not know what the future holds for us," he responded, his voice soft but steady with his assuredness. "All I know is that I do not fear it like I once did. Things will continue to change, that cannot be helped. But we will continue to face those changes, good and bad alike, together."
Her smile was timid and strained, but she said, "Aye, together," in agreement. She looked up at Thorn for a moment before shaking her head free of her thoughts. "I am ruining this occasion with my melancholy. Rider, as my future husband it is your responsibility to keep such moods at bay. I do not wish to spoil any future happiness."
"You could never do such a thing. These are extenuating circumstances, that is all. But they too will pass, Halen."
She nodded, but he could see in her eyes that she was still not fully convinced. However, before he could remark on such an observation, they were disrupted by a sharp gust of wind that came at them from the opposite end of where Thorn had been lying to keep them warm. The fire swayed and flickered at the disruption and Hal tensed, shivering.
"We should get indoors before you catch your death out here."
"But —"
"No buts, my love." He took her hands in his, pulling her to her feet as he stood up as well. "Besides, it's late and you need to rest."
"If you say so," she grumbled. However, another chilling gust silenced her, and there was a bit more of a rush in her step as she cleaned up their surrounding area. And as she often did, she did not leave without kissing Thorn's nose and giving him a tender goodnight, his nose brushing against her cheek in response.
They walked back hand-in-hand in a comfortable silence, Hal laying her head on Murtagh's shoulder. He walked her to her room first, but the time passed far too quickly for his liking. Hal looked up at him, reading his mind, and said, "Perhaps a few more minutes? Walking in the fresh air is helping me to sober up."
He grinned, more than happy to pivot and lead them back down the hall. Just a few more moments together, he thought, and he'd be content for the night.
At least that had been the unspoken intention. However, when they made it back to Hal's room a second time, he still felt like they had unfinished business. Hal kissed him lightly on the lips, whispering good night. Such an innocent gesture, but he was engulfed in a sort of desperate heat that told him he could not and would not, be letting her sleep alone tonight. She turned on her heel, none the wiser, until Murtagh wordlessly following in after her and closed the door behind them, locking it without thinking. The mood shifted the moment he did, both of them falling quiet except for their breathing. Murtagh turned to face Hal, who raised her brows in a silent question, unprepared for his boldness.
He shrugged. "I told you, Halen. I would get you back for taunting me. And I am a man of my word."
She was grinning far too triumphantly as he moved closer to her, his hands moving to undo the knot to her cloak before letting it fall to the floor where they both left it. Then he reached for her waist, spinning her around in one fluid motion so that her back was against his chest. He heard her sharp inhale before he began to unlace the back of her dress. Even though Hal was wearing a slip underneath, the very act of undressing her made him wanton. He realized he had never done it before. Her dresses and skirts were so light on Illium, he could just push them up to her waist to get what he wanted. This dress was just heavy enough that doing so would've been a burden. But even if that wasn't the case, this made everything feel more real. Both in good, albeit intimidating, ways.
When the dress was undone, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to the back of her neck. Hal let out a soft rush of air, letting him slowly slip the material off her shoulders, kissing the exposed skin tenderly until the dress had nothing to hold on to and dropped to the ground. The pale ivory of the slip was luminescent against Hal's skin, especially in the dim lighting where only the torches in the room made it possible to see.
Hal turned back to face him, her hands in her hair as she pulled out the pins that kept it up. As the dark curls began to fall around her face, Murtagh felt his hunger for her grow tenfold. Just as she was shaking her hair free, he reached for her hand and pulled her over to the bed, his heart beating so madly in his chest that he was sure Hal could feel it.
Her hands tore at the buttons of his tunic as he laid her down on the mattress, which allowed her to pull the shirt off and toss it. Her hands felt so good on his bare chest, roaming and exploring the muscles that tensed and flexed as he moved. He dug his fingers in her hair, his other hand slowly pushing up the material of her slip as he nestled himself further between her legs. The air around them felt hot and needy. They kissed and touched like they were being submerged in the promising future that awaited them, holding on to it and each other, harder than they ever have before. Murtagh cared so little for the world around them. He just cared about this moment right here, with Hal.
"Is your back okay?" Hal asked between kisses.
"You think I would stop this by telling you otherwise?"
"Always such a smart ass."
Catching her off guard, Murtagh turned them over so that Hal was now straddling his waist. Admittedly, although the fabrics of the bed were a little irritating on his bandages, there was less strain if he laid this way since it would be harder for him to move his torso.
"There," he said, cheekily. "I like you better on top anyway."
Her expression was damn near feral as she came in for another kiss. His hands immediately moved to her hips, holding her there, delighting in how good she felt. To his surprise however, she quickly broke the kiss with a violent swear, looking like she already knew the answer as she asked, "Before this goes any further, am I to presume that we aren't consummating anything?"
He blinked, having to pull himself out of the haze of his lust to process her question. Although, looking up at her did not help his concentration in the slightest. Both straps of her slip had fallen off her shoulders, and the material was sheer and fitted enough to tease her form underneath. Pushing the slip up further on her legs so that he could grip her thighs, Murtagh forced himself to focus.
"It's for the best that we don't," he reminded her, although even he was not inclined to agree at the moment. "Perhaps if we were not engaged, I would wish to throw caution to the wind. Especially with how you look right now," he added breathlessly, his eyes shamelessly drinking in her figure.
Her smile surprised even her and grew by the second. "But?"
"But," he added, removing his hands from her legs to cradle her face, "we are engaged. I want you and I to have the night of our wedding just for us. Because I know that no matter what, with you, it will be perfect."
Hal rolled her eyes, unable to hide her pleased smile as she tried and failed not to be moved by his words. "And what if we had married for the sake of your pardon? Would you not have laid with me then?"
He shook his head, even though he doubted himself in that particular moment. "No. Because I promised I would do right by you, Hal. It would not have felt right to take something so precious from you for something so selfish."
"Even if it was willingly given?"
"Even then."
She seemed convinced, but still rather put out. "I suppose."
"You suppose?" he repeated with a bark of laughter.
"You're lucky I want to marry you more than I want to lay with you," she commented, but her eyes were dazzling in their playfulness. She leaned forward, her voice becoming husky as she looked at him from narrowed eyes. "But you are making it very difficult for me, rider. It is killing me that I cannot have you in the way that I want."
Chills ran from his spine down to his feet at her voice in his ear and the feral desire it put in him. She kissed him once more before he could respond. His hands moved down to her neck, her chest, her stomach, her hips. And Hal leaned into his touch, pressing her body as tight against his as she could get it. The weight of her was astounding, the heat radiating off the both of them making him flushed. Hal would release these quiet sighs in the brief moments they separated for air, and they would grow in pitch and in need until it became unbearable to not give in to temptation.
"I can feel how bad you want me," she whispered in his ear, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "Are you sure I can't tempt you to give in to me?"
"No, I'm not," he admitted, and Hal broke for a split moment to laugh.
"Oh, I'm sorry, rider, I only meant to tease."
"I thought I was prepared but I seem to always underestimate the power you hold over me."
At this, Hal sat up, her smile a bit shy. "What power?"
He thought she was joking at first, but he could see in her expression that she was genuinely curious. He sat up, and Hal gasped as his movement pressed his erection against the heat between her legs. The sound made him almost forget himself, and he raised his hips again, his eyes fixated on Hal as the pleasure showed on her face.
"You are…" he breathed, unable to fully pull his thoughts together as Hal's dazzling brown eyes turned to look at him. He shook his head.
"What?"
"It's nothing—"
"No, tell me. I command you to tell me!"
Her face was brighter, the troubled expression from before having vanished completely. Murtagh didn't know how long he had with her, but he wanted to help her forget. Even if was just for tonight.
He reached up to cup her cheek. Then he pushed himself up so that he was upright so that they were only breadths apart. "I love you," he said. "That is what power you hold over me. I would not have wanted to give my heart to anyone less deserving than you, Halen."
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "You make me happy. Never forget that. And I love you too, Murtagh."
They spent the rest of the night toying with how far they could go, mouths and tongues pushing the other into euphoric heights that they had forgotten could even exist, it had been so long. And Murtagh's lightness transcended into something that felt almost out-of-body, it was so freeing. He knew the moment he and Hal were finally, properly together, it would make tonight pale in comparison. But for now, held in the arms of the woman he loved, he knew no greater peace than the one Hal gave him.
…
"Hal, slow down!"
Giggling at her little sister's obvious irritation, Hal only pushed onward, practically crawling on her hands and knees in order to scale the steep hillside. Thea was panting and whining a few steps behind, but Hal knew better than to do anything that would risk the younger girl injury. Hal had even taken an extra precaution to tether them together with a spare bit of rope so that Thea would not go wandering off chasing lilies and butterflies while Hal's back was turned digging for beetles or watching the ants march in formation with bits of food on their backs.
"We're almost there, Thea, you can do it."
Hal looked back, shooting her a dazzling smile of encouragement that hastened the young girl's steps just a bit in an effort to please and impress her older sister. When they finally reached the top, they both fell onto their backs in exaggeration, laughing in delight as they paused to catch their breaths.
"I told you that you could do it," Hal sang, her tone full of pride.
"That was really high, Hal. It was kind of scary." Thea grinned broadly. "But really fun, too."
"Right! Just wait until you're older and papa takes you on one of his fishing trips."
"No way, you know I don't like the ocean."
"It's just water, Thea."
"A lot of water. I prefer to stay on dry land, just like mama."
Hal shrugged. "All right then. Well check this out."
Hal rolled onto her stomach then clambered onto her feet, Thea following right behind her. Hal walked closer to the edge, but not too close. Just enough that Thea could see the view beyond. The little girl sucked in her breath. "Wow. It's all so big."
"Papa says there's even more out there than our island," Hal explained, feeling a strange sense of pride knowing she had discovered this view herself.
"Really?"
"Yep. And I plan to see it all. I'm gonna go on a huge adventurer, just like in grandfather's stories."
"I wanna go on an adventure!"
Hal placed her hands on her hips. "If you come, you'll have to get in a boat and cross the ocean."
Thea pouted. "No fair."
"I don't make the rules."
Thea's face began to scrunch up as if she were going to wail at the injustice of it. Then her eyes seemed to catch something behind Hal and the oldest girl turned as Thea asked, "What are those?"
Hal squinted. "They look like…big ships. With sails and everything!"
"Ships? Like papa's?"
Hal shook her head. "No, papa's fishing boat is a lot smaller. We probably wouldn't see something like that from here." Hal's eyes widened in surprise. "I bet they're from another island. Or from the mainland!"
"What's the mainland?"
"There's a lot more people on the mainland," Hal said, becoming breathless with excitement. "Papa says the people there have pale skin instead brown skin like us, and they have mountains and cities and castles —"
Thea tilted her head, observing her sister through narrow eyes before commenting, "I don't understand."
"Come on, Thea," Hal said quickly, turning to run back down the steep hillside. "Let's go get a closer look."
"But we just got up here, Hal," she snapped with a sharp stomp of her tiny foot.
"Oh, come on, Thea. Aren't you the least bit curious?"
"No."
Hal huffed. "Well come on anyway. Let's go see what they want."
"What if they're dangerous?"
"They won't be dangerous. And if they are, I'll protect you."
"Promise?"
Hal turned to face her sister, to promise. That was what happened in reality. But when she looked back, six-year-old Thea was covered in blood, her round cheeks and exposed arms and legs stained with it. Her dress was ruined, covered with dirt and ripped so that it awkwardly hung off her tiny frame. Horrified, Hal took a frightened stepped back and the scene plummeted into chaos. The stench of blood and burning flesh filled her nose, her eyes stinging from the smoke that filled the air as the houses began to collapse under the torrent of flames. Bodies lay strewn across the ground, and Hal's eyes filled with tears, whimpers of fear stuck in her throat.
"Promise me, Hal," Thea repeated, taking a single step forward. Her eyes were monstrous, blood red, tears rolling down her dirtied cheek. That such eyes could express such grief was more frightening than Hal would have thought possible. "Promise. Say it, Hal. Say you'll protect me!"
Hal began to shake her head, sobbing uselessly as her sister took another pitiful step forward. "I can't," she whispered, the words taking from her the power she had once held so dear. "I'm sorry, Thea. I can't."
Thea stopped; her head tilted as though confused. Her once innocent and lovely features twisted into something grotesque, her rage obvious. "Then die," she retorted, her voice growing cold and sharp like it was now. The girl rushed forward and Hal screamed in fright, defenseless as her sister raised a dagger in the air to strike Hal down where she stood —
"NOOOO!"
Hal shot up in bed, her nightgown drenched in sweat, and landed right into Murtagh's embrace. "Shh, Halen, it's okay —"
"Thea, I have to get to Thea. The village…I have to find her!"
"It was a dream," Murtagh whispered, his lips close to her ear. "You were dreaming, Hal. You're safe here."
She opened her mouth to argue, but her memories began to fade from her vision. Instead of burning huts and broken bodies, she was staring at detailed walls with gold, and mahogany furniture and trinkets. It was frightfully quiet except for the sound of Hal's heaving breaths, a painful sob stuck in her throat as she began to shake from the dream. Her hands gripped Murtagh so tightly that, if she was not trapped in the nightmares of her mind, she would have noticed the pressure. As it were, Murtagh did not even flinch, his hold on Hal just as firm, his hand on the back of her head smoothing down her hair in a repetitive motion meant to soothe her.
"She was right there," Hal said, her voice stunned from the violent contrast of her past with her present. It was jarring, and she could not convince her heart to slow.
"I know," Murtagh said.
"It felt so real." The tears finally reached her, cascading down as the stress of the memory mingled with her fear of the nightmare. She covered her face with her hands, digging the heel of her palms into her eyes to stem the flow. Crying would do absolutely nothing for her. And truthfully, it wasn't so much sadness she felt but unmitigated frustration.
Despite her resistance to the notion, exhaustion reclaimed her once more. It was a fitful thing, Hal tossed and turned, forcing herself awake the moment she felt that sensation of falling, anxious of what awaited her on the other end.
Morning could not come fast enough, and Hal was waiting for it when it did, staring out the window at the sunrise over her enclosed balcony. A light mist hung over the garden grounds, and the sky was a beautiful array of soft hues. It was no Illium sunrise, but even in her wretched, tired state, Hal could still appreciate its loveliness, even if it did nothing to ease the ache in her heart.
"Do you wish to talk about it?"
Hal blinked, so lost in her own thoughts that she had not heard Murtagh stir like she normally would have. She turned around, letting the curtain she had pushed back to observe the outside fall back into place. She had pulled on her robe over the nightgown, feeling chilled despite how meticulously warm the rooms were kept. Rather than answer, she walked over to him, her footsteps quiet on the marble floor.
Murtagh was sitting up in bed, his grey eyes filled with concern as he watched her approach. As she got closer, Hal could just make out the shadows underneath, and felt guilty for having kept him from sleep. She climbed back into bed and into Murtagh's lap, taking his face in her hands as she settled down on top of him.
"Not right now," she answered, running her thumb across his jawline. "Right now, I just want a moment to bask in the afterglow of your pardon and your proposal. I don't want to be Halen Zarasdaughter and all of the demons she carries. I want to be Halen soon-to-be Morzansson, who has a very bright and lovely future ahead of her."
Murtagh exhaled a deep breath, his eyes shining at her words. "I never thought to ask but…you would be all right taking my name? Truly?"
"I am not frightened of a name."
"But what of the demons it carries?"
"You have been battling those demons all your life, rider. If you wish to marry me, then you must wholly accept that that means you are entrusting me to also fight those demons alongside you."
"And we both know I am rather hopeless without you."
"Absolutely despondent."
She was grinning teasingly as she leaned forward, pressing her lips to his in a morning kiss that felt like the beginning of a lifetime of morning kisses. It seemed so silly and frivolous, but his proposal had breathed such life into her. The quest to defeat Thea felt like a responsibility they had to bear, the desire to return home a natural part of that journey. But matrimony felt like a future, one that had been nagging Hal, without her even realizing it, since being in Morzan's estate. The fact that Murtagh had also been thinking about it all this time, and so seriously too, meant more to Hal than she would've expected.
When she pulled away, Murtagh looked at her as though she were a dream, his expression so soft and warm that Hal almost teared up. "Halen Morzansson," he said, trying out the name. She felt a chill down her spine at the power it had over her. Murtagh noticed, his gaze deepening as his eyes began to wander down her figure. "Halen Morzansson." His lips kissed her neck, sweet and gentle pecks that loosened the remaining tension in her body. Then his mouth moved close to ear and whispered, "Halen Morzansson."
She turned her head to meet his gaze, neither of them able to hide their smiles from the other. Murtagh's lips were dangerously close to hers now. "I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you, my love." And before she could proclaim the same, he captured her lips in another kiss. Hal dug her fingers into his hair, so lost in his embrace and his touch that she almost missed the small feeling of panic in her gut. The small voice in the back of her head reminding her that this was temporary. A dark cloud loomed over her head, menacing and powerful. Before she could surrender to its hold over her, Murtagh pulled away from her and said breathlessly, "I love you, Halen."
Her lips stretched into a smile at the intensity of which he held her gaze, boring his words into her. For just a moment, that cloud dissipated once more. In this moment, Murtagh shone too bright for Hal to notice anything else. Grateful to him, Hal rested her forehead against his. "I know," she assured him. "And I love you, Murtagh." And she pushed down the unsettling feelings brought about by the nightmare. This discomfort served her no purpose, and she couldn't get distracted now when there was still so much at stake.
"I suppose we best make ourselves decent," she commented, thinking of the time. "Although it was you who told me we should not spend the nights together to preserve my honor."
His face turned pink at her look. "I'm still a man, Hal. I never said I was perfect." She snorted.
However, despite her caution, she was surprised when Merida and Juliet appeared later than their usual time. Nor did they carry their usual tray of food. "Her majesty has requested that you join her for breakfast, Miss Halen," Merida explained. "We are to help you get ready. Master Murtagh, with apologies, you will have to take your meal in your room today. Mr. Giles has requested to join you and is already waiting."
Hal stiffened, then looked to Murtagh for counsel. "Did she happen to say why?" Murtagh asked, his brow furrowed in thought.
"Apologies, Master Murtagh, but her majesty did not."
Murtagh nodded, then walked to Hal, pulling her away so that he could speak without anyone overhearing. "I can't say for certain if there's an ulterior motive at work here. But as far as we know, your abilities are secret. For all intents and purposes, you are still just a regular citizen."
"Do you think she has reason to suspect otherwise?"
Murtagh shook his head. "I wish I knew, but I do not think so. Pay attention to her questions, just in case. For now, I think it's better to go in assuming she knows nothing."
Hal nodded. "Yes. Yes, all right."
With Murtagh gone, the handmaidens quickly jumped to the task at hand. While less effort than when they had prepared her for the dinner, there was still a high level of grooming that made Hal feel like it would be lunch by the time they were finished.
"Isn't this a bit excessive?" Hal asked, as Juliet helped her into her dress. It was a slate grey velvet that reminded her of Murtagh's eyes. The design was split down the middle, the front an even darker grey with black detailing made of a fabric that felt more like silk. The sleeves were long and fitted, the interior cuffs lined to match the front design with a bit of excess draping down the front for a rather dramatic look. Juliet was lacing the back now, pulling on the material so that the dress conformed to Hal's figure.
"All the ladies of the court dress like this, Miss," Juliet explained, grunting a bit as she pulled the string tighter. Hal clutched at her chest, momentary surprised by the exertion. While she knew it was no corset, she wished Juliet would stop treating it like one. "Especially for private meetings with the queen. Appearances are important here."
"I think people care very little for how I look these days, Juliet. It will not change their opinions of me."
Although Hal could not see, Juliet nodded before neatly tying the lace into a simple bow. She stepped away to observe Hal and make sure nothing was out of place in her dress or her hair, which she had braided and wrapped around her head like a halo. Coming closer to adjust something on the sleeves, Juliet said, "I admit that I had my misgivings about you and Master Murtagh when we first met. And I will not lie to you: the rumors going about the castle and the city are not kind. But even in the little bit of time I have known you, you have been compassionate and gentle. I have served many guests of the queen when they come to stay, and they can be cruel and are quick to look down on us." Juliet shot Hal a teasing smile. "I can't quite explain why but, the moment I met you, I knew you would be different. You have a very disarming air about you. One that makes one as low as me feel seen. That is a very rare gift, Miss."
Hal caught her dumbfounded expression in the mirror and realized her mouth was hanging open. She quickly gathered herself and shyly said, "Thank you, Juliet."
The handmaiden patted Hal's hands. When she was done, she left the room with a curtsey, and Hal bowed her head in appreciation before the woman closed the door to wait for Merida to return and escort her. Hal studied her reflection in the mirror a bit longer, turning her head and body to observe herself from different angles. As lovely as the dresses were, she did not feel like herself in them. In that moment, she longed for the girl who would throw on her trousers and ride through the forest with Nani. She had her demons, yes, but that girl had been lighter. Free. Hal wished she could feel close to her again.
However, despite receiving the same care and attentiveness from Juliet as ever, Hal did not feel as taken with her appearance as she had before. The shadows under her eyes were prominent, her gaze hollow and withdrawn. The longer and harder she stared at herself, the more the image seemed to distort until, in a moment of her mind's own cruelty, her eyes turned red as blood. Hal froze at the shock of it, her breathing becoming stifled and shallow. As terrified as she was of the sight, she couldn't look away.
It's not real, she told herself. It's not real. It's not real. It's not—
A knock on the door pulled her out of her head and Merida entered, dropping her head in a bow. "Her majesty is ready for you, Miss Halen. If you would please, follow me."
Hal was surprised when Merida did not take Hal to Nasuada's office as they had so often gone to before. Instead, they walked towards the southernmost tower, climbing the flights of stairs, breathless and faces flushed. By the time they reached the final landing, Hal was sure that she was higher than she had ever been since arriving. The view from the windows they passed was breathtaking, and Hal felt as she did when she rode on Thorn. Like she could touch the stars.
"Miss Halen?"
Hal shot Merida a sheepish smile and continued to follow her down the hall. Before they approached, Merida finally explained in a hushed voice, "We are approaching her majesty's privy chambers. Very rarely does she receive guests here. She almost always conducts business out of her offices on the main levels."
Hal did not know what to make of this information, but it would explain where they were, at least. There were two guards standing outside who, when they saw Merida and Hal, stepped quietly to the side, holding the doors open as they did so.
Hal waited in the apartment's antechamber while Merida announced her to the queen. It was a small but elegant space, with a royal red carpet and marble floors, a chandelier hanging above. The only thing separating it from the main chamber were a set of deep blue curtains.
A figure stepped out from behind the curtain, and Hal straightened, first expecting Nasuada. Instead, her jaw tightened when she recognized that woman, Trianna. And the woman was quick to notice Hal, her eyes already narrowed with disdain. Since Merida had mentioned that Nasuada did not often receive visitors here, Hal could only wonder what matter of importance brought Trianna here. Or had Nasuada called for her? And did it have something to do with why Hal was here?
Trianna's lip curled in disgust and she quickly continued on without another glance. Hal suddenly had an uneasy feeling that she couldn't quite place. Merida was soon waving Hal inside. The handmaiden gave a final curtsey to Nasuada, then another to Hal, before departing, closing the door firmly behind her. Hal was struggling not to gawk at the room before her and was failing miserably.
Stepping past the curtain was like walking into another world entirely. Hal's eyes took in the domed ceiling, decorated with a mural, colorful dragons depicted in flight and rest. It was aching beautiful, reminiscent of a time almost lost. The walls were decorated with a floral wallpaper that added a softness to the room, a contrast to the gold and porcelain vases, mirrors, and other such artifacts throughout.
Hal walked past the chairs and settee, through the sitting room to the open balcony just beyond where Nasuada sat. Despite the open doors, Hal felt not a drop of cold air, even as she stepped outside. She did not mean to ignore Nasuada, who watched her with a quiet smile. Hal went straight to the balcony, feeling in awe. She could see for miles, the city of Ilirea stretched before her. She could see the river that lay beyond the city walls and the plains she, Murtagh, and Thorn had traversed to get here.
"Halen."
Hal turned and saw Nasuada gesture to a plate of food and a cup of tea opposite the small table where she sat. Suddenly nervous, Hal quietly took her place. She followed Nasuada's lead as the queen picked up her cup and saucer, gazing out at the view beyond. She held a look of peace on her face, and Hal felt some of her stress begin to ebb.
"I admit that, even as queen, I do not often get to enjoy sights like this," Nasuada began. "In fact, I'm often so busy that I've taken to sleeping in my private quarters near my study, so that I am always close to my work when it beckons to me."
"If I may be frank, your majesty: that sounds awful."
The queen chuckled, then threw her head back and laughed. Hal stared, feeling her unease return. But Nasuada set down her tea to wipe her eyes and explained, "I cannot remember the last time someone was actually frank with me. It's quite refreshing to hear."
"Oh, well then, there's plenty more where that came from."
They sipped their tea in silence for a bit, Hal finding a bit of contentedness seeping into her bones. After a prolonged silence, Nasuada finally began to speak again.
"I supposed you're wondering why I called you here."
That contentedness quickly vanished as Hal tensed. "A bit, yes."
"There was something I wanted to say to you, and it must be acknowledged." Nasuada took a sip of her tea. Then she set her cup down. "I owe you an apology, Miss Halen." Hal looked over to find Nasuada facing her now, all traces of humor gone. Hal lowered her cup to her lap. "I admit that I have been most unfair to you since you arrived. I told myself that this business with Murtagh was just that: business. It wasn't personal. But that was not true. I see that now."
Hal swallowed nervously, at a complete loss for where this conversation was going. "It's all right, your majesty."
Nasuada shook her head. "No. It's not. Murtagh was right. We judged you unfairly based on your association with him. Based on preconceived notions that should have had no bearing during this time. I should have never let Orrin and Orik talk to you the way they did during the dinner. You were there as my guest, but I would have never let such behavior slide if you were part of my nobility."
"Thank you. But why are you telling me this?"
"Why indeed," Nasuada murmured. "Seeing Murtagh again has brought up feelings I wasn't prepared to face. And I must confess to you that, when Murtagh first turned himself in, I selfishly assumed, perhaps even hoped, that it was a gesture meant for me. Having to face my own disappointment when I learned that there was another in his life was…unexpected. I think I may have taken some of that disappointment out on you.
"I tell you this not because you have anything to worry about. I do not mean to make you uncomfortable with this confession. But watching Murtagh speak his truth has inspired me to speak mine. It would not feel right to tell these things to him. But it does feel right to tell them to you. As the woman who not only captured Murtagh's heart, but earned it, and nurtured it in a way I never could. It pains me to say that I was starting to resent you for that."
When I see the way Murtagh looks at you…I see a man who would rather take his own life than ever lay a hand on you, even if he was not given a choice a matter.
The last time they spoke privately, Hal had been listening but clearly not understanding. Because only now did she realize that Nasuada was basically admitting to being jealous of her. After months of feeling so self-conscious at the very idea of Nasuada, it felt rather bizarre to be sitting on the opposite end of things.
Nasuada took a deep breath, then pressed forward before she could stop herself. Hal continued to sit quietly and listen. "I used to wonder what our lives could have been like if things had gone differently. When Galbatorix tortured me, he would show me things. A future that felt…good. Dare I say, perfect even. He would use Murtagh, and my confused feelings towards him, against me. And perhaps a small part of me held on to that false future harder than I realized. But the way he is with you, I have to question if he loved me at all. It's not fair of me to say, but it is how I feel."
Hal thought of Berjis and of Celia. "I can understand," she admitted. "It's not wrong, to love the idea of being loved. To feel that we are enough in someone else's eyes. Anyone would want that."
Nasuada gazed at her for a moment. "Yes. Yes, you do understand." She breathed. "Thank you, for letting me say my peace. And please know, again, I confess none of this out of feelings for Murtagh. Even if I did, it is quite clear I wouldn't have a chance at his affections. But I have been unfavorable to you for petty reasons, and I am ashamed and embarrassed of them. You deserved to know why. I hope that you can one day accept my sincerest apologies Halen. For all you have endured, and all I have done to you."
"Thank you, your majesty, for your candor and humility. I know these things are not…ideal."
Nasuada laughed, but Hal softened to see that the woman was crying. "What a messy thing, feelings," she said jokingly, wiping at her face.
"Messy indeed."
Nasuada took a deep breath. "While we are on the subject of Murtagh, I hear congratulations are in order?" Hal stared blankly for a moment, and Nasuada frowned. "Are you and Murtagh not recently engaged? I presume it is for real this time?"
Hal's face grew hot with mortification, but Nasuada did not seem at all angry at the lie. "Oh goodness. Yes, I thought you were referring to his pardon."
"Are you excited?"
Even if she hadn't responded, her growing smile was answer enough. "I am. It still feels surreal. Like I have to keep being reminded that he actually proposed, and I said yes. It's…not something I thought was in my future. I didn't know if it was something Murtagh wanted. I would have been content to remain by his side without marriage. But I can't pretend that I'm not over the moon with the engagement."
"Will you return home for the wedding?"
Hal opened her mouth, the instinctive answer obvious. Then she hesitated. "I don't know. We left home to keep our people safe and to seek your aid. We told ourselves we would not return until the threat was gone, but if that takes longer than expected…" Hal looked up and forced a smile, trying to keep the memory of her nightmare at bay. "Well, clearly we have some details to iron out. But I know that whatever we decide, as long we're together, we'll be all right."
The queen nodded, her expression softening. "I have only known you a short while, but I believe that as well. You radiate a very soothing and lovely strength. I can see how you have had such a positive impact on Murtagh and Thorn. They need someone like you. Someone who could stand by their side, proudly, without sacrificing who they are in the process."
Hal smiled. "Thank you for saying so."
As they finished their light breakfast and tea, Nasuada said, "I hope, Halen, that we might continue to talk. Frankly, if you do not mind. I think I need to hear it now and again, especially as queen."
"I would like that, your majesty."
"Please, call me Nasuada. I hear 'your majesty' so frequently that sometimes I fear people have simply forgotten my real name. It makes me feel like a figurehead instead of a person."
Hal chuckled at the humor, although her chest squeezed in sympathy. "All right then, Nasuada." They shared a smile, and Hal hesitated for a moment before relenting and saying, "And please, call me Hal."
She was surprised by how easily the conversation seemed to flow after they had cleared the air. And while Hal was still aware of her ranking, it was perhaps the first time she did not see Nasuada as just the queen, but as a fully realized individual with complicated emotions. Hal would have never assumed that Nasuada had been feeling any of what she had described. Hal had to wonder how long she had been alone with such thoughts. It must be lonely, she began to think, being expected to keep such things to oneself.
The modest conversation of their upbringings was cut short when Nasuada was reminded by her personal secretary of an upcoming meeting. Nasuada shot Hal a delighted look and leaned forward to say, "Preparations for Murtagh's banquet."
"Oh. Is there much to do?"
"Yes, but I admit I have a bit of soft spot for event planning. Don't get me wrong, they often entail having to suck up to some of the most pretentious snobs I've ever met" — Hal's eyes widened in shock at the fact that Nasuada would admit something so openly — "and them trying to suck up to me in return. But the event itself aside, making all the arrangements is actually rather calming. It requires more brain work than one would guess, but it's not sending troops into battle. No lives are on the line — unless of course you put two nobles at the same table who despise each other. Which of course, as queen, I try to avoid at all costs, lest the evening end in some sort of gossip-worthy scandal."
She shot Hal a mischievous wink and Hal bit down on her lip to hold in her laughter.
Nasuada rose to her feet and Hal quickly followed, curtseying. "I recommend utilizing Merida and Juliet to help you prepare for the evening. They're well-versed in those who will be coming in and out of the castle. Oh, and do feel free to finish whatever snacks you'd like, and your tea. I'm sure Merida is outside waiting for you whenever you're ready to return."
"I will. Thank you."
"Thank you, Hal, for your company. It was much appreciated."
She swept out of the room before Hal could respond, which was fine. In slightly better spirits than before, Hal finished what she could of the food she had been offered, not wanting to spoil her appetite for later.
"Ah, yes, I heard of the approaching banquet," Merida commented. They were headed back down, Hal properly stuffed. Although, it had not stopped her from wrapping a few of the tiny sandwiches and cakes in a napkin for later. If she was feeling generous, maybe she'll share with Murtagh.
"Are the people as awful as I fear they will be?"
"It depends on who you're referring to. Some may be more susceptible to lend you and Murtagh an ear. Others will only do it to earn favor with her majesty, but that's better than nothing at all I suppose. But it is also likely you will face outright opposition. They may not be loud about it for fear of going against the queen, but they may still find a means of letting their feelings known."
They walked past an open hallway and Hal's attention was momentarily taken by the sight of Trianna. This time, the woman appeared to be in deep conversation with none other than Orrin. And they both looked up at, their gazes catching Hal's. Trianna's face, like before, soured immediately. Orrin was decidedly harder to read. Hal had the unnerving sensation they had been talking about her, and she turned away as Merida continued on, none the wiser.
"How many nobles are there?" Hal asked, trying to distract herself. It didn't seem unlikely that Orrin and Trianna would know each other. Just about everyone here was part of the Varden, right? Their paths would have already crossed. But the fact that Hal knew neither party was exactly infatuated with her and Murtagh did not help.
"In total, around a hundred or so, including their wives," continued Merida. Hal forced herself to listen. This information was important after all. "Usually not all can attend, though I anticipate a full house this time around."
"Because of Murtagh?"
"Oh yes. On the surface, the game is politics and courting favors. But the true intent is scandal and drama. People will hardly be attending for Murtagh's success. Rather, they will be watching and waiting for what they perceive to be will be his inevitable failure."
"Charming," Hal muttered, feeling more stressed than anything. "And what am I meant to do?"
Merida smiled. "Oh, don't you worry. Juliet and I will prep you well in advance. I know it sounds disconcerting, but I'm sure Master Murtagh will more than handle himself. Not to mention that with her majesty there, along with her allies, there will be less inclination for any sort of fuss to break out."
To her surprise, Hal felt her chest loosen. So, Arya, Roran, and Orik would be there? She had no idea why that made her feel better, but it did. "I'm a fast learner," Hal said, glancing over at Merida.
The older woman chuckled. "Oh-ho, I had no doubt about that Miss Halen. None at all."
Hal suddenly realized that they weren't headed back to her room. She didn't recognize this hallway at all. Immediately her heart began to race, glancing over at Merida with unease. "Where are we, Merida?"
The woman looked at Hal with what she could only describe as genuine confusion before realization dawned. "Oh, my apologies. Master Murtagh requested I bring you to the castle library after your tea. I assumed you were already aware of this."
Hal breathed. Well, it was more a deep sigh. Something didn't feel right, but she couldn't place what or why. Perhaps the sight of Orrin and Trianna whispering in secret had simply made her paranoid. But before she could say anything, Merida declared, "Here we are."
She pushed open two doors that led to an outdoor hallway. Pillars lined either side, the checkered floor distinct compared to the interior carpet of the castle. And just ahead was a separate, smaller building. The roof of the overhang made it difficult to get a clear view, but the stonework was smooth, the building itself maybe two stories at most.
"This is the library?" Hal breathed, stunned. "This entire building?"
Merida just chuckled. Hal walking a little faster, she reached the front doors first and pulled on the handle. As the door closed behind them, a hush fell over Hal unlike anything she had heard before. The air smelled of old paper and ink, like the building itself preserved it. The wood of the shelves and desks was polished to distinction, almost glowing in the amber light the afternoon sun cast through the skylight ceiling. It was, indeed, two stories, but Hal was stunned to see that some shelves were relatively empty.
"Galbatorix was said to have destroyed many important pieces of literature and text in the early part of his reign," Merida said in a whisper, although her voice still seemed loud in a place like this. "Anything he deemed blasphemous against him or that could pose a risk to his rule was destroyed, as were many of the authors who wrote such books."
Hal shivered. Was there anything that tyrant hadn't managed to destroy?
Just then, a familiar face peeked from around the corner. "Hal, over here!" Giles said, waving his hand.
"I'll leave you all here," Merida said with a bow of her head. "Juliet and I will have supper ready for you at the usual time."
"Thank you." When the woman was gone, Hal hurried after Giles.
"How was tea with the queen?" he asked, clearly not wanting to wait until they reached Murtagh.
"Nothing at all like what I expected. The conversation was rather private, but I'll just say that I think me and her might be on better terms. At least, I hope we are."
Giles looked like he wanted to ask more, then seemed to realize she wouldn't divulge much further. "Well, that's something, at least."
"What about you and Murtagh? How did you wind up in the library?"
"Ahh, we were simply reminiscing over our meal. Tornac made sure we had access to the best tutors, so if we weren't sparring, we were expected to be here studying."
Hal smiled at the image his words conjured. "Tornac really whipped you two into shape, huh?"
Giles face fell mockingly as he rubbed his backside. "More than we would like," he grumbled.
The stacks ran deeper than Hal would have expected, but they soon found Murtagh, sitting at a small table with a lamp in the center. She could tell by his facial expressions that he was talking with Thorn, but he still acknowledged her presence with a smile as she sat down across from him.
"It's rather empty in here," Hal mentioned, leaning towards Giles who had taken the seat beside her.
"For security purposes, the library is only open to approved scholars for a few hours each day. Technically it's closed, but Murtagh received special permission from her majesty to come and go as he pleases."
"I may be swearing fealty to Nasuada in a few days," Murtagh added, suddenly joining the conversation, "but I'm still a dragon rider. If they keep with old traditions, then there are very few places in the country with which we have to seek permission to visit."
"Oh, someone's feeling important," Giles teased, leaning forward with earnest.
"Shut it." Murtagh tapped on the book that lay open in front of him. "If you must know, I've been reading up on what riders were responsible for and had access to prior to the war. I want to make sure that I'm just as knowledgeable of what should and should not be asked of me. I intend to take this fealty seriously, as does Thorn. But only as long as everyone is aware that we have no intention of becoming anyone's puppet again."
"That's what you've been doing, huh?" Giles commented. "That's smart actually. Let me see one of those books, I'll help."
"Me too," chimed in Hal. Then she grimaced when she remembered her conversation with Merida. "Well actually, on second thought, are there books here on royal customs? I want to start preparing myself for the banquet. Heaven knows I have no desire to make an ass of myself."
"Ah, I know the perfect text." Giles jumped up from his seat and added, "Just a moment."
Murtagh chuckled as he looked over at her. "So? How'd it go?"
"Pleasant, actually. She was rather candid with me about a few things. None of which I'm at liberty to disclose because they were told to me as a courtesy. But…it was the most human she's felt since we got here. I could see us getting along."
"If you return home having becoming friends with the queen, Layla would throw an absolute fit."
Hal chuckled at the thought. "She would, wouldn't she?"
He smiled a bit, sighing as if relieved. "But everything's okay? I've been worrying myself needlessly for the past two hours over nothing?"
Hal made a face, trying not to embarrass him as she said, "You were worried about me?"
"Only a little," he sighed. "I could never tell what Nasuada was thinking, so for her to call for you out of the blue like that…I admit it put me on edge a bit."
"You're adorable when you care, kitten."
His cheeks were pink as he cut his eyes at her. Giles soon returned with a book in hand, setting it down in front of Hal. "Here we are. Since we're pressed for time, I took the liberty of marking which passages I find most important. Start there and let Murtagh or I know if something doesn't make sense."
Hal saluted him. "Aye, sir."
"You're going to regret telling her that, my friend," Murtagh said with a shake of his head.
"Don't start, rider."
"Why's that? A few questions never hurt anyone."
But it only took two pages and five minutes for Giles to realize how wrong he was. Hal found that, much like Murtagh, Giles was just as well-versed and capable of accepting her commentary that challenged her teachings. So much time passed that Juliet had to fetch them for dinner.
"Here, bring them with you to continue studying," Giles told her. "I'll sign them out up front."
"I can't believe this is the asinine system governing our country," Hal muttered, carefully cradling her books in hand while Murtagh carried his. "This is complete idiocy."
"Welcome to hell my dear," said Giles, his tone sardonic. "For that, is politics."