Chapter 70
Today we are celebrating Claire and Nathan's birthdays. I am wrapping both their gifts. Sawyer is strapped to my chest as Henry is down for a nap. Nathan is working out.
We got Nathan a spa day. He needs a deep tissue massage. His poor back from doing long surgery's is always sore. We got Claire clothes and a check. She is harder to shop for than Nathan. What do 18 year olds wear these days?
My parents are hosting the party outside their house overlooking the sound. It is another big event following last week's retirement party. Sawyer starts to wake up so I stand up.
"Hi pretty girl," I say to her and bounce a bit to rock her. I put their gifts on the table and pull Sawyer out of the wrap so I can nurse her.
I unhook my nursing bra and she latches on. I stroke her cheek and look down at her. She is in a grey onesie. She is truly so perfect. I don't know how she is mine.
She eats and I log it on her chart then burp her. She spits up all over my shirt. "Oh jeez," I say and grab a burp cloth.
"She spit up?" Nathan asks coming downstairs. He is shirtless in athletic shorts. He is sweaty and I could eat him up right here.
"Yes," I say and he reaches for her.
"She did that to me this morning. Must be her new thing," he says and I sigh.
"Couldn't be laughing or smiling huh, Bug?" I ask her. Nathan laughs.
"You shower I was going to do tummy time with her," I say and reach for her.
"I can do it with you after I shower," he says and I smile. He loves being involved in everything the kids do.
"Okay," I say.
"Maybe I can take her in the shower with me. I'll hold her that way we don't have to bathe her before tonight," he says. As nervous as it makes me, I know he would love to have this bonding moment with our girl.
"Okay," I smile. He takes her into the bathroom with him.
I clean up the kitchen and check Henry's monitor. I put my phone in my back pocket and walk into the bathroom to see if Nathan needs help. What I see takes my heart and melts it to a puddle.
Nathan is holding a naked Sawyer against his chest in the shower. She is so relaxed and loving it. I grab my phone and take a picture of them. This may be the cutest thing I've ever seen.
"Oh my gosh look at her," I smile.
"She loves it," he says and I smile.
Nathan washes her off and I grab a towel taking her so he can wash off. I take her to the nursery and put her in her clothes for tonight. She is wearing a white onesie and floral bloomers with a matching bow and ruffle high socks. She looks adorable.
I feed her again and she eats a bit. I take her downstairs and Nathan is ready for tummy time. He is in shorts and a tshirt with wet hair. He looks good enough to eat.
"Look at my girl," he says and I smile, showing him the outfit. She is so cute.
Nathan has the tummy time mat out and the toys set up. We sit and I put her down on her belly. She immediately starts to scream. She hates tummy time.
Nathan shakes a toy in front of her trying to distract her, but she is not having it. She is fit to be tied and does not want to be on her belly.
When the time is up Nathan picks her up and kisses her cheek.
"I'm sorry baby," he says and I laugh. He is wrapped twice around her tiny finger. Seeing him as a dad has been life changing. I think back to high school and how far we have come. I don't know what I did to deserve this boy.
It hits 4 and Henry is still not up. We have to leave soon and get him ready. "I'll go wake him," Nathan says and I nod rocking Sawyer. We were going to try to get her to sleep in her swing for awhile before we left.
I watch on the monitor as Nathan walks into Henry's room. I laugh as he has put on his cape we had made and has Henry's matching waiting for him. "Super Henry," Nathan says.
"Super Henry, super Dada needs you. We have a crime to fight," Nathan whispers. Henry sits up and rubs his eyes registering what is happening. A huge grin spreads across his face.
"Super Henwee to the wescue," Henry jumps up and takes his cape putting it on.
Nathan makes everything so fun. I would have never thought to grab his cape and wake him up with a bath time mission. I would have rubbed his back and sang him a song, but that is what makes us the best parents.
Sawyer is asleep in her swing and I change and get myself ready. I put on a black jumpsuit and put on makeup. My hair is done from earlier.
I walk out and see Henry all ready in the outfit I laid out for him. "Look how handsome you look," I dote over him as I kiss him all over his sweet face. Nathan goes to get ready as I watch the kids.
"Buggy so cute," Henry says and looks at Sawyer.
"She is sleeping before we go to Bubs and Nana's," I tell him and he holds up his finger to his lips telling me to shh.
"Do you wanna play with your trucks?" I ask him.
"Yes momma," he runs and gets the trucks and passes me one. This reminds me of the days he was in the hospital. He would run to my toy bag and pull out the trucks. I am so lucky.
We push around his trucks and even build a track with our couch cushions until Nathan comes out and is ready. Sawyer is still sleeping. "If we move her she'll wake up," I say.
"How long has she been sleeping?" Nathan asks and I check my watch.
"About an hour," I say.
"Let me try to move her to the car seat. She could be in a deep enough sleep," Nathan says. I grab the car seat. Nathan picks her up and she stirs in his arms. Nathan sets her down and we all hold our breath. She stays asleep.
"Nice dada," Henry says and I laugh. Henry hates when Sawyer cries.
We head out towards my parents. Both our families and Claire and Williams friends are coming. I am excited to see them. It'll be a lot of fun. Claire and I were texting today and she is very excited.
When we get to my parent's neighborhood Henry is bouncing out of his seat. "Bubs," he says and tries to jump out of his seat.
"Hold on, buddy," I say to him. He loves his bubs. Henry unhooks his car seat and I freeze. I did not know he knew how to do that and that could be a big safety issue.
"Henry, we do not do that. Only mama and dada touch your car seat. That is very dangerous. Do not do that, okay?" I say and Nathan looks in the rearview mirror.
Henry's pouty lip comes out and the waterworks start. I had to be firm with him, I know Henry and it takes us being firm for him to listen.
We park the car and I go around to Henry's side. "Come here, Hen," I say and pull him out. I set him down and bend down to eye level.
"Mommy didn't mean to scare you, but that is very dangerous. I don't want Henry getting hurt okay, buddy?" I say and he nods.
"Can I give you a hug?" I ask him and he nods throwing himself at me. I laugh and kiss his face. Such a momma's boy. The door opens and my dad walks out.
"Bubs" Henry yells and runs to my dad. Forget about Mom, Bubs is here.
"Hi buddy," my dad says and picks him up, tossing him in the air and catching him. Henry giggles.
"Bubs pway," Henry says and my dad smiles.
"Of course, buddy, are you hungry?" He asks. They go to the snack table. I hug my mom and Nathan does too. "Where is my little girl?" She asks. I pull the car seat cover back to show a sleeping Sawyer.
"She is perfect," my mom says.
"We think so too," Nathan says smiling.
"Happy birthday Nathan," My mom smiles and gives him a hug then me.
"Thank you, Ana. Thank you for this wonderful party," he says and looks around. It does look amazing in here.
"Momma, I have thwee cookies," Henry runs up and says. My mom picks him up and kisses him making him giggle.
"Three? Mister no more," I say laughing.
"Hi everyone," Noel and Berkeley walk up to us with Cole behind them.
I give Berkeley a hug. Marriage suits her well. She looks amazing as always. I give Noel and Cole a hug too. Cole and Nathan start talking sports and that is my cue to leave. I leave Nathan with Sawyer's car seat and I go into the living room to see my whole family.
Ava and Andrew are sitting together laughing. "Hi," I smile and hug them both.
"Damn Grey, you look good," Ava says and I roll my eyes.
"Oh shut it, you look amazing," Andrew says, making me laugh.
"Can I get you guys a drink? I am going to have some wine," I say and Ava looks at Andrew. Ava never refuses alcohol.
"What is going on?" I ask her. Oh my god.
"Come here," I say and yank her to standing and pull her into the pantry.
"You're pregnant," I say.
"What? Phoebe," she starts to laugh and I know that is when she is lying. Ava can't keep a straight face when she lies.
"Oh my god, Ava," I start to tear up.
"I found out a couple of weeks ago. After our little night out," She says and puts her hand on her stomach.
"When are you due, were you trying? Oh my god, Ava," I hug her tightly.
"Well, I was twelve weeks yesterday, so February 2nd. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying," She says and I laugh hugging her again.
"Our babies will be the same age," I say and she smiles nodding. We are both teary-eyed. Ava as a mom is going to be amazing.
"I am going to be an aunt again," I smile and Ava nods.
"I am telling everyone tonight, so I am glad you know." She says and I smile.
We walk back out and I see Nathan taking Sawyer out of her car seat. She is crying, and I know she is probably hungry. I go over and grab a bottle I premade. "I got it," I say and Nathan passes her over to me.
I sit at the counter and put the bottle in her mouth. As soon as the nipple meets her mouth she is happy. "Can I?" My grandma asks, she is so sweet. "Of course," I say and pass her over.
Sawyer is happily eating in my Grandma's arms. "Hi Bubs," My dad says and pulls me in his arms.
"Oh you remember your daughter," I tease him since he went right in with Hen.
"Oh please, you think I can forget the 15 years of my life that you were my shadow," He says wrapping an arm around me. I laugh and look up at him.
"Look at my grandbaby," he says and my Grandma looks up at him.
"All of my babies in one place," she says and gets teary-eyed. I smile and my dad kisses her head.
Claire and William walk in and I smile. I go up and hug her tightly. How is my first baby 18? I know we had Claire when she was 16, but these past years have been amazing. Watching her grow makes me so proud.
"Eighteen? What is next nineteen?" I say and she laughs hugging me.
"Stop hogging the birthday girl," I hear Nathan say and we laugh. Claire hugs Nathan and I can see on his face the love he has for her. He says something to hear that I cannot hear and she nods. These two.
"Happy birthday, Claire," My dad says and they hug. I remember the first time they met, and Claire was scared to fist bump him.
"Thank you for having us, this is lovely," she smiles looking at the birthday decorations.
"Of course birthday girl," my mom says and they hug.
We all sit and eat together. Gail made Claire and Nathan an Italian buffet. William has his arm wrapped around Claire. Those two are so sweet. "William, when do you leave for school?" I hear Elliot ask. William is a year older than Claire and attending the University of Southern California on a full-ride lacrosse scholarship.
I see Claire's smile fade before she quickly puts on a fake one looking at William. It is a plane ride to see William at USC from here. My heart hurts for her. I know how much I hated talking about leaving Nathan senior year.
"Two weeks," he says and my heart sinks.
"Claire how are you feeling, you must be thrilled ?" Elliot asks trying to make a joke. I see Claire force a laugh with everyone and William's arm tighten around her.
CLAIRE'S POV
"Claire how are you feeling, you must be thrilled?" Elliot, Phoebe's uncle, asks. I am holding back tears as he talks to me. William knows this and tightens his hold on me.
"I am so excited for him and to visit," I say hoping the crack in my voice is not noticeable. William strokes my shoulder gently.
"William, tell us about the school," his grandpa says. As William begins to talk, the lump in my throat grows. I can't cry at this table. I look at Henry and focus in on him. He is eating his pasta with full focus. He whispers "Henry can do it" as he tries to twirl the long noodles. That makes me smile.
The topic is still on William leaving, I glance up and Phoebe is looking at me. I give her a soft smile and she winks at me. She and Nathan stayed together all through college. I hope William and I can do the same.
William has been my rock through all of this. I really don't like living at my aunt's house. She has a new boyfriend again and seems like it will always be that way. I hate having random men in and out of the house. He encourages me to tell Phoebe, but she has two kids, she doesn't need me on top of it. Also, my aunt would never let me leave. I guess I am 18 today though, I can go where I want.
The table clears and William takes my hand. "Let's go sit on the dock," he says and I nod. We head out the back door in silence and head down to the dock and water.
When we sit on the dock, I take my shoes off and let my feet hang in the water. William does the same. I look at his side profile. He is so hot. That is when it hits me that he will be around California girls. I know they will all be blonde, tan, and beautiful. Probably without the crazy past and life that I have.
"Can we talk, birthday girl?" He smiles and asks. I look back at the water. The lump in my throat grows and my eyes sting. I know if I talk I will lose it, so I settle with a nod.
"We haven't really talked about me leaving," he says and for the same reason as before I nod.
"It is coming up soon," he says, and another nod from me.
"What are your thoughts," he says and I look away. Here is the part where I have to talk. I try to swallow the lump in my throat but it is too big. I shrug and he sighs. I feel him looking at me.
"If we are going to talk, you have to respond babes," he says. I love that he calls me babes never babe.
"I just… I don't want you to go," I say and that is when the tears fall quickly down my face. I try to catch them but there is no use.
William doesn't say anything he just wraps his arms around me and kisses my head. I bury my head in his chest as he holds me. "I know," he says.
"I don't want you crying on your birthday," he says. That does nothing. I keep crying.
"What is making you the most upset?" He says and I pull back wiping my eyes.
"I can't lose you, you have been there through it all. You sneak in when Susan has Chris over and make me feel safe. You are my rock, Will," I say and he shakes his head.
"You don't realize how strong you are," he says and tucks my hair behind my ear. "And you will NEVER lose me," he says and I shake my head.
"You can't say that for sure," I say and wipe my eyes.
"Why not?" He asks.
"Because you're going to Southern California. Every girl there is blonde, tan, skinny, and not traumatized or damaged goods," I say and the last part makes him flinch.
"Claire… I-," he takes a deep breath. "Never call yourself damaged goods again, I mean it," he says taking another deep breath.
"Why I am, Will. I don't have a generic past," I say and he shakes his head.
"Why does that matter?" He asks and now I am frustrated.
"Because it does," I say louder than I intend to. "Because you can meet a girl who isn't weird about intimacy. Who doesn't need to have constant communication when you are in the middle of having sex. Maybe even someone who can have an orgasm," I say. William flinches at my words.
Sex is hard for me. When Will and I first started having sex, I occasionally would have flashbacks of the rape. When I talked to my counselor she suggested some things like constant eye contact, certain positions, and communication. I have never been able to orgasm. Every time I get close it goes away. I have never talked about that with Will or anyone. It is embarrassing. Will knows and once tried to bring it up, but I shut it down immediately.
"Fuck Claire, none of that affects me. I love being intimate with you, I love knowing that you trust me enough to do that. We will get there someday, I know that, but I want to meet you where you are. I love you, I always have," he says and I hug him tightly. I move onto his laps and his arms wrap around me. I bury my face in the crook of his neck. He rubs his hand up and down the length of my back.
"It breaks my heart to hear you cry," he mumbles against my head.
"I can't lose you," I say.
He pulls back and cups my face. "You will never lose me, ever," he says and I shake my head.
"You don't know that," I say.
"You don't know that you will lose me," he counters. That is the first thing to make me laugh through the sob.
"God you are so beautiful," he says and kisses me. My chest feels like it is exploding. I deepen the kiss and his hand wraps in my hair.
"Don't worry about this, we will be okay Claire," he says and I nod.
I hope so.