CHAPTER 71 (TW SEXUAL ASSAULT)
CLAIRE'S POV
It is the week William leaves. His parents are having everyone go over tonight to say goodbye. I don't know how I am going to get through tonight. Phoebe already invited me to sleep over the night that he leaves. It is going to be rough.
Susan doesn't understand why I am so upset. Last week she told me none of this will matter in a year. That isn't helpful. When I tried to explain that she called me melodramatic. Real sweet.
I slip on my orange wrap dress and tie it tightly. I made sure to wear light makeup as I can see myself crying within 10 minutes of being there. William is picking me up to go there. I walk out into the kitchen and Chris, Susan's boyfriend is sitting at the counter. He doesn't lookup. This is the second boyfriend of Susan's who has hated me for no reason.
I grab a water bottle and put my charger in my purse. William said I can sleep over tonight, so I told Susan I am sleeping at Phoebe's. "Where are you going?" Chris asks. I look up and he is on his third beer. Great.
"William's going away party," I say quietly and start to walk out of the room.
"You gonna date him when he goes to school?" Chris asks.
"Yes," I say and know I am not going to like the response.
"Good luck, I was a college student once, girls throw themselves at you," he laughs and sips his beer. His words sting.
"William is here, I have to go," I lie and go outside.
I try to take deep breaths. William is going to find someone better. Someone who can have sex with him like normal and enjoy it. Someone who is in Southern California. Maybe he will and not tell me. Or wait to tell me till he is back.
I feel nauseous from my own thoughts by the time I see headlights in the driveway. It is William's white Lexus. I go and get in the front seat. "You look sexy, babes. I love this dress," he says and leans over kissing me. I smile softly and kiss him briefly back.
"Are you excited? Phoebe and Nathan and the kids are already there. My mom had them come early so she could steal Sawyer," he says, laughing. I smile and nod.
"I am," I say. He puts his hand on my upper thigh and drives. I look at him. He will be the first one girls see at a party. He has a button-down shirt on and his hair looks amazing. His jawline is cut like a diamond.
His thumb absently strokes my inner thigh with his thumb. Tingles shoot through me and I squirm. He looks over and smirks. I wish I could be confident like other girls. I know what he wants and I can't give it to him. He wants a partner who can orgasm and enjoy sex. I know when he comes I feel accomplished and I like it. Whenever I start to feel close, I get nervous and the feeling goes away.
I finally talked to my counselor about it.
FLASHBACK CLAIRE AT THERAPY
"How have things been with William," Ann asks. I told myself I was going to bring up my little problem about not enjoying sex, but now I am frozen up.
"Claire?" She says and I realized I have paused for too long.
"Yeah, sorry. Well… he is great. I just-" I pause again. Maybe I shouldn't she is a psychologist, not a sex therapist.
"What?" She asks.
"It is kinda awkward," I brief her.
"Claire, nothing you say in here leaves this room unless it threatens someone else's safety or your own," she reminds me. "I have heard just about everything at this point," she gives me her friendly smile.
"I am having a problem for a while and I don't know how to fix it," I say. She nods and sets her pen down. She doesn't say anything yet, letting me have the floor.
"You know in the past we have talked about intimacy," I say and she nods.
"Well, okay here goes nothing, when Will and I have sex, I can't finish," I spit out quickly and look anywhere but at her.
"When you say finish, do you mean orgasm?" She asks and I nod. I am sure my cheeks are bright red.
"Does what William is doing to your body feel good?" She asks and I nod again. Words are stuck in my throat.
"Have you ever had an orgasm? With him or maybe by yourself?" If I think I was embarrassed before, I am at a whole new level.
"I know it can be uncomfortable, but this is all a part of your body. If at any time if you want to slow down or stop talking let me know," she says. I nod again. I have to talk now.
"I um have never finished with him or just me," I say and she nods.
"Claire, I am going to ask you to do something hard, is that okay?" I ask her. If she says masturbate I am out.
"Okay…" I say.
"When you were raped, did you have an orgasm?" The wind gets knocked out of me by that question.
"No, what I didn't enjoy it, no I didn't," I say about to leave the room. Why would she ask that? I am angry now. I cross my arms and scoot back on the couch.
"Claire, when our bodies are stimulated orgasm is a natural function, like when you eat something bad and throw up," she explains. I guess that makes sense.
"Can you think back to that day, did you have an orgasm? It doesn't mean you liked it or wanted it to happen. Rape with orgasm is rape. Rape without orgasm is rape," she says. I close my eyes and think back.
The blaring music from my brother's party. Grant came in, locked the door, and sat on my bed. I had shorts on and a big sweatshirt. I was under the covers. He kissed me and ripped off my pants. He touched me between my legs while holding a hand over my mouth. When he touch my most sensitive part, I yelped and something down there exploded. "Good girl, you come for me and only me, baby. I knew you liked this, you naughty girl," he said in my ear. I wanted it to stop.
I open my eyes and Ann passes me a tissue. I wipe up my face and nod. "I didn't want it to happen though," I say and she looks at me.
"Sweetheart, I know that," she says.
"So when you are with William and you get close to orgasm, it sounds like your body is triggered and doesn't allow you to relax. Sex is vulnerable it requires a lot of trust," she says.
"I trust William more than anyone," I say.
"I know that, but even with those we trust the most, it is still hard to let our guards down and be vulnerable and intimate," she says.
"So will I never be able to orgasm?" I ask her and she shakes her head.
"You will, Claire. But with the trigger response and you putting so much pressure on yourself too, it is hard for you to allow yourself to enjoy intimacy," she says and I stare at the floor.
"Let's talk about what makes you the most nervous during the moments you are close," she says and I nod.
"He watches me, and I know eye contact is a big thing for us, but he watches me and it makes me nervous. I am scared it is going to hurt, which I know is stupid, but when Grant forced me, it… it hurt so bad," I say wiping tears away.
"It sounds like there is a lot of pressure and things going on in your mind during intimacy," she says and I nod.
"Open communication is so important during intimacy. If something is triggering tell him or if something feels good tell him. If him watching you makes you nervous, try turning off the lights. And also Claire, I would try exploring your own body," she says and I can't look at her. This is so uncomfy.
"You can help guide William in what feels good, you can't do that if you don't know," she says and I nod.
"Your trauma is in the past, while it is still prevalent, it is what you do with it and how you take care of yourself that determines the future," she says.
This should be fun to discuss with William.
(END FLASHBACK)'
"You're quiet," he says and I realize we are parked in front of his house.
"Oh sorry," I say and shake my head.
"What is going on, babes?" he asks and I shake my head.
"No- nothing, sorry I zoned out," I say and he frowns. I can't fool him.
"Can we talk later, tonight is your night," I say and he smiles.
"Of course, but if there is anything you want to talk about we can do it here," he says and I shake my head. He kisses me again and we head inside.
Phoebe is the first person to hug me. Seconds after Henry latches onto my leg. I laugh and look down. "Bear," Henry says and I lean down hugging him.
"How are you, bear?" Nathan asks hugging me.
"I am good," I say and Nathan nods, kissing my head.
Everyone arrives shortly after and the conversation is flowing easily. William keeps his arm around me. I laugh as Mia tells the story about them packing. I love her. I am going to miss seeing her basically every day.
I am holding Sawyer. I am feeding her a bottle. She is so cute. She is still tiny. She is a onesie that says hello sunshine and yellow pants. She has a little yellow bow. I kiss her head.
When dinner is served, I put Sawyer in her stroller. She is half asleep. I can barely eat. Unfortunately, I have Christian, Nathan, and William all eyes on me. I push my food around and take some bites. "Claire, when do you start school?" Ava asks pulling me out of my head.
"Three weeks," I say. Sawyer cries, and Phoebe gets up. I can't believe she is two months old. She is still so tiny.
"Senior year, how fun is that?" Ava says and smiles.
"I am excited for sure," I say.
"When you need a prom dress you know who to call," Mia says and I laugh.
Dinner conversation flows easily. After dinner, there is a cake with William's face on it. "How are you really doing?" Nathan asks me. I turn and smile.
"I am excited for him," I say like I have all night.
"That doesn't answer my question," he bops my nose.
"I have been better," I admit and he kisses my head.
"We are always here, Bear. Anytime any day, if you want to be picked up at 2 am, I will be there," he says and I nod.
"I love you guys," I say.
"And we love you, sweetheart," he says. Phoebe walks over and kisses Nathan's shoulder.
"We do love you, what is going on?" Phoebe asks.
"Just reminding Claire we are always here, all four of us. Especially Henry, he has been asking for you recently," Nathan says and I laugh. I love that little boy.
"True story. I ask him who he wanted to take him to nap and he said Bear," Phoebe says and I laugh.
As the night winds down, I start to get nervous. I don't want him to be mad at me for this conversation. Maybe I shouldn't tell him. No, I have to. Ugh.
When Phoebe hugs me goodbye, the house is finally cleared. "I have a surprise," William says and I look at him weirdly.
"Come with me," he says and I follow him to the garage.
"Are you giving me a car?" I ask and he laughs.
"You wish, get in," he says and I get into his car.
He starts driving and I am so confused. "Where are we going?" I ask him.
"It's a surprise," he says and I sigh.
"I hate surprises," I say. He laughs and kisses me.
"Not this one," he says and I look at him. What is happening?
We start driving and I have no idea where he is going. We start driving into the city. "Will," I say and he puts his hand on my leg. He starts stroking my thigh with his thumb. I close my eyes and rest my head.
"Babes," William says and strokes my cheek. I guess I dozed off. We are in a parking garage.
"A parking garage, Willy you shouldn't have," he smirks and pinches me.
He gets out and grabs a backpack. I follow him into what looks like an apartment building. A nice one. Where are we? We get into an elevator and he hits the top floor.
"Will, what is this? Where are we?" I ask him. He leads me to an apartment door. He opens the door and I am so confused. I have never seen this place before. I know it is not his family's.
"Will, where are we?" I ask him.
"Remember Isaac, Isabelle's ex?" I nod. "He asked me to watch his place and water his plants, he is in California til Wednesday," he says and I smile.
"Woah," I say and he smiles. There are floor-to-ceiling windows, big couches, and a huge TV.
"So are we watering the plants, then…" I trail off.
"Well, I thought maybe we could spend the night if you are comfortable. I bought shirts and sweats for the both of us," he says and gives me his half-smile. Man do I love this guy.
"Okay," I blush and he smiles. He takes my hand and leads me to the big white couch. We sit down and he pulls my legs over his lap making my dress ride up my thighs. He begins to massage my feet.
"What did you want to talk about earlier?" He asks. Here is my moment. I just need to say it. Man he is good at giving foot massages,
"Oh, um nothing," I say. Nice Claire.
"Really?" He asks and I shake my head no. I sit up and sigh.
"What's going on, Claire," He says and I look at my hands.
"I had a therapy appointment," I say and he nods looking me in my eyes.
"That is good. With Ann?" He asks and I nod. I try to think of a way to phrase it.
"Okay, is that all? He asks and I shake my head.
"Babes, what is it? You can tell me anything," he says and I nod.
"When we… well… when we have sex, I don't… you know," I say and he looks at me confused.
"I don't," he says.
"I can't have," I start making my hands in a circular motion. "I can't finish," I say quietly. William looks confused but nods.
"If it is something I am-" I cut him off right there.
"No, no it is not you, that is why I talked to Ann," I say and he closes his mouth.
"An orgasm is a normal body response to stimulation, like throwing up when you eat bad food," I repeat what Ann said to me. William nods slowly.
"Babes, you have lost me," he says and I sigh. I bite my lip and lookup. Tears well in my eyes.
"Talk to me, Claire. It is just me," he says and I sigh. Here goes nothing.
"We talked about why I struggle to orgasm," I say and he nods.
"Okay," he says and it gives me the confidence to continue. He is a great listener.
"When I was raped, I orgasmed, not because I liked it, I swear I didn't like it-" Will cuts me off.
"An orgasm is a normal body response to stimulation, like throwing up when you eat bad food," he repeats what Ann says and it makes me tear up. I look up to try and push back the tears.
"Yeah," I say. "Because of that… I guess subconsciously whenever we would hook up and I would get close my body got triggered and shut it down" I say. He reaches forward and wipes a tear away.
"That makes sense, babes. And that is okay," he says. "What did she tell you," he asks. I love that he is eager to help.
"Well, she asked what makes me the most nervous when we have sex," I said and he nods. I can't believe I am saying these words out loud.
"What are those things," he asks.
"When you watch me, I know eye contact is important to me and you, but when I am close and you are watching so closely I get anxious. I also am scared it will hurt… I know it is supposed to feel good, but when it happened with Grant it hurt so bad," I say and wipe my falling tears.
"Maybe tonight we have the lights very dim," he suggests and I nod. "And for it hurting, babes if something I do is remotely uncomfortable you tell me okay?" He asks and I nod.
"What did Ann recommend?" he asks.
"The dim lights and…" I sigh this is so awkward.
"And?" He asks.
"Me exploring my own body," I say quietly and I have officially maxed out my embarrassment card.
"Have you done that?" He asks and I shake my head.
"Why not?" He asks.
"Cause it's weird," I say and he turns my head toward him.
"Your pleasure and sexual confidence is not weird," he says and I look anywhere but at him.
"Babes, thank you for telling me this. If it is okay with you, tonight I want to explore this together. I want you to be able to enjoy sex," he says and I nod.
"Now?" I ask.
"Eager are we?" He says and I laugh. He takes my hand and guides me upstairs to a huge bedroom with a California King.
"Curtains open or shut?" he asks. The curtains open provides a bit of light but not too much.
"Open, no lights maybe," I suggest and he smiles. He kisses me deeply and I stand on my tiptoes kissing him back.
His hands are cupping my face and my tongue brushes against his. I start unbuttoning his shirt and strip it off him. He brings his hands to the hem of my dress.
"Untie it," I tell him and he yanks the tie and it falls open. I am in a matching black bra and underwear.
"I knew I liked this dress," he says, making me laugh.
We fall back onto the bed and keep kissing. Will's hand slowly trails down my body. He finds my chest and starts massaging my breasts. "How does this feel?" He asks and I nod.
"Talk to me," he says. I am realizing tonight is really going to require communication.
"Good," I moan as he pulls down the cup of my bra. He focuses a lot of his attention there. It already is easier with the lights dimmed and less eye contact.
He starts kissing down my stomach. "Is this okay?" He asks.
"Yes," I say breathlessly. We've done this before but for some reason, this is so much more intense.
Will kisses me on top of my underwear. "You can take them off," he says. I open my eyes confused.
"You are in control, babes. You can take them off," he says and my heart swells. He knows I was forced when I was assaulted. He is allowing me to choose what I take off.
Blushing, I hook my fingers into my underwear and slide them off. William comes up next to me and is kissing me deeply. He still has his pants and boxers on. I slide my hand into his pants and start to stroke him. He hardens under my touch and it makes me feel more confident.
Will takes my hand out of my pants and places it on my stomach with his hand on top of mine. "What are you doing," I ask.
"I want to try something, will you try for me," he says.
"Okay," I say, confused.
William's hand is on top of mine and he starts sliding both of them down my stomach. Once it goes below my belly button I understand what is happening. I can't do this. This is weird.
"Will," I say and try to reach back into his pants. He stops me.
"Try, if you hate it we will stop," he says. "It is just me babes," he says and I pause. I sigh and nod. What is the harm in trying?
William lays me back and is kissing me. I focus on his lips on mine. His hand is on top of mine on my stomach sliding it down again. I try to focus on his lips. It isn't weird, Claire, it is just the two of us.
Will and my hand meet my center. I have never done this. Will bring's my hand to the most sensitive part of me. He guides my fingers on top of my center. He starts rubbing me using my hand. He then begins to kiss my neck. This feels so good.
"Is this okay?" He asks. I have my eyes screwed tightly shut. It feels so good. He slows down our rubbing.
"Claire?" He asks.
"It feels- oh- it feels good," I say and he smiles against my neck. I feel how hard he is against my leg.
I can feel my orgasm coming on. This is usually when it goes away. Will takes his hand away and I stop. "Don't stop, babes," he says and moves his hand back on.
We continue rubbing my center together, Will kisses my shoulder and I am breathing so heavily. I have never gotten this close. "Will," I say because I am scared. I don't want it to hurt. He slows our hands.
"It is okay, let go. I am here, Claire. Right here," he says. Our hands continue to move and I am moaning.
I think I am going to come. My breathing picks up and Will moves his hand away, but I don't stop.
"Will," I yell as the most intense feeling shoots through my legs, center, and stomach. I am breathing so heavily. That has never happened. Wow. That felt amazing.
"Did I-" I look at him and through the dim lights I see a big smile. He is oblivious to how aroused he is against my leg.
The strangest reaction comes through me. I start to cry. Will's smile fades as he cups my face. "Babes, what- are you okay? Did it hurt?" He asks and I shake my head.
"I am happy, I- thank you," I say and hug him. Tears fall as he rubs my back.
"I don't know why I am crying," I say and he shakes his head.
"It is emotional, babes. It is okay," he says and holds me against him. I yawn and he kisses my head.
"Thank you," he says. I look at him confused. Why is he thanking me?
"I should be saying that to you," I say.
"Thank you for trusting me with that, I know that was vulnerable," he says. Man an orgasm really takes it out of you.
I scoot down and pull his pants and boxers down. He is starting to get hard. I kiss the tip and begin to stroke him. I take him in my mouth.
"Claire," he gently puts his hand on my shoulder.
I look up at him and continue what I am doing. "Fuck babes," he puts his hand behind his head and his muscles flex. I use my hand and mouth to please him.
"Come here," he says and kisses me deeply. I climb up him and kiss him while I am straddling him.
"Did you bring a condom?" I ask him and he nods.
"Do you want to do this?" He asks and I nod.
Every time we have had sex before this the only position we can do is me on top. He has never been on top. Prior to tonight, the weight of him on me is terrifyingly triggering. I am going to try tonight.
William puts the condom on and uses his hands to lift my hips. "Wait," I say and he does.
"Maybe… maybe you can be on top tonight," I suggest.
"Babes, we don't have to do that. I love seeing you on top," He says and I know he is trying to give me a way out.
"No really," I say and rollover. Will moves on his side looking at me.
"Are you doing this because you think I want to?" He asks. I shake my head.
"I wanna try," I say and he looks at me.
"If at any time you want to stop, you say it okay?" He asks and I nod.
I am laying flat and he moves so he is on top. "Open your legs, babes," he says and I nod. I open them and his hands find their way to either side of my head.
He slides inside of me and this position is foreign. My eyes are screwed shut. "Is this okay?" He asks, his voice strained.
"Yep," I say, trying not to moan.
William starts to thrust and I lose my battle of staying quiet. This feels so different but so good. "William," I cry out his name. He kisses me and my hands move to the side of his face.
We continue in this position, and William looks at me. "Let's try this," he says and moves behind me so we are both on our sides. My back to his front. He lifts up my leg and shows me how he is going to slide in. I nod and when he does it hits a spot I haven't felt before.
"Oh," I moan. William kisses my neck as he slides in from behind me. I look forward and realize I can't see him. I close my eyes imagining him, but images of my assault flash.
I keep trying to enjoy it because I know it feels good for William. He is grabbing my breast and squeezing. His morning is what I hear.
I stare at the walk trying to focus on him. "Claire, fuck babes," he says.
"Claire," he says and I am zoned out. He pulls out and stops.
"What babes?" he asks.
"I need to see you," I say and my heart is racing.
William flips over and lays down. "On top," he says to me and I climb up lowering myself on him. I raise and lower over and over again. His hands are on my breasts. He takes my hand and places it on my center.
"Show me," he encourages. I remember how good it felt, so I begin to rub. Holy shit.
"Fuck Claire… that is so hot," he says watching me. I rub my center and slam myself down on him.
"Will," I moan.
"Let go, it is okay, let go," he says and I do. I throw my head back and orgasm. He finishes right along with me.
I fall forward on his chest. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my head. We fall asleep.
When I wake up in the morning, I am exhausted while strangely well-rested. I look over and Will is on his phone. I smile and sit up. I realize I slept naked. That is a first. I always have to put a shirt on after.
"Good morning," he smiles and kisses me.
"Morning," I say and blush.
"How are you feeling?" He asks.
"Good, um thank you for last night," I say and look down.
"Of course, and babe, I know it was hard to talk about, but I never want you to be embarrassed or hesitant to talk to me about that," he says and I nod.
"Don't leave," I say. It comes out before I can stop it.
"Claire," He says and I look away.
"That was rude, I know you need to," I say and he looks at me.
"We will talk every day," he says and I nod. Tears fall before I can stop them. I am a mess.
"Baby," he says and holds me.
All of a sudden there is a pounding on the front door. I jump and grab him. He looks confused and gets out of bed putting his pants on. I put on his button-down shirt that goes down to my mid-thigh and follow him. The pounding continues.
He opens the front door and there stands Susan, Chris, Mia, Phoebe and Nathan.
Fuck.