(Nathan's POV)
I walk upstairs and head to Claire's room. I can't believe this is happening. Henry never knew what being adopted meant. He will one day, but for now he feels loved and is safe. Claire has been moved home to home. She is 18 and can understand what all of this means. I know she feels unwanted.
Claire has always felt like a burden to us and it pains me to think about. We want her to have a life with us, but I know she is going to have a hard time understanding that. I need to go back to counseling to help me navigate all of this.
I knock on the door, but don't wait for an answer. I know I won't get one. "Go away" Claire says, harsher than I ever thought possible.
I walk in and stand against the dresser. I don't want to get too close because I know she needs space. I look at the ground to not make her feel watched.
"Claire," I say softly.
"No." She cuts me off. William is right. She isn't crying. She isn't showing any emotion.
"I wanted to," I start. "Get out," she cuts me off. I have never heard her speak this way.
I stop speaking. I don't move though. She sits up and turns towards me. She looks almost empty inside. Usually is so expressive.
"DIDNT YOU HEAR ME," she raises her voice.
"Claire, I don't want you to be alone right now. I am not going to talk," I say.
"GET THE FUCK OUT," she screams. I am shocked.
"LEAVE," she yells. She stands up this time. "Get out," she yells pointing to the door. I know her anger is misdirected, but still it startles me to see her this way.
"Claire-" I say.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE," she yells and gets closer to me. She looks so angry.
All of a sudden Christian is opening the door. He motions for me. She starts screaming for me to leave so I walk towards the door and step out into the hallway with him.
"I'll go in… she shouldn't be around you or Phoebe right now. It is triggering," he says quietly. His eyes don't meet mine. I know Christian had a very difficult time growing up. I don't know the details, but I know he is familiar with the foster system and adoption.
"Just… don't leave her alone," he says. I am scared she is going to have a mental break down or harm herself.
"I won't, go eat and help Phoebe put the kids to bed. I got this," Christian says and I nod. I trust him fully here.
(Christian's POV)
I walk into the room and stand by the door. Shut it behind me so she knows someone is in the room. She turns and sees me. "What," she says sharply.
I shake my head as if to say nothing. I stand by the door and keep my gaze down. "I don't need a babysitter," she snaps.
"I know, you're an adult," I say calmly. She nods and seems to have expected me to fight her.
"I want to be alone," she says.
"I know, but Phoebe and Nathan are extremely worried about you. They don't want you to be alone. I am not going to say a word unless you talk to me. That won't be the case if they are in here," I say. She looks at me and knows I am right. She goes back to laying and facing the wall away from me.
I stand there in silence. She doesn't move or say a word. I decide to sit on the floor. I stare at the picture on the wall. It is of Phoebe, Nathan, Henry and Claire. It was before Claire and Nathan's father daughter dance. She looked so happy. Henry looks so big now.
I hear Claire shift. I stay silent. She is now laying on her back looking at the ceiling. Her hands are draped across her stomach. It is dark out now and there are no lights on. The drapes are open and the moon light is shining in.
My heart hurts for Claire. This brought back many unwanted memories for me. I need to call Flynn tomorrow. Maybe Flynn could see Claire.
20 minutes go by before I hear a knock. The door opens and Phoebe is there. Claire turns and sees. "Go to bed Phoebe. We are all good in here" I say in a no nonsense tone.
"I- I love you both," she says and shuts the door. It is silent for a couple minutes.
"Thank you," I hear Claire say softer than ever.
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," I say and I see tears begin to roll down her face. I want nothing more than to wrap her up and tell her it will all be okay. That's not what she needs though.
"This sucks," Claire says. She surprises me by talking. Her voice is so broken. I knew if I waited she would open up eventually.
"Can I bring you the tissues from the desk?" I ask her. She nods, I stand up and ignore how numb my legs and back are from sitting on the hard wood for 30 minutes.
She sits up and takes the tissues from my hand. I go to sit back on the floor. "You can sit up here," she says as she wipes her eyes. I sit at the corner farthest from her to give her space. I wait for her to talk.
"I can't stay here," she says and I look at her. She looks broken.
"Phoebe and Nathan want you here, do you not want to stay with them?" I ask her.
"They have too much going on. I should start working so I can pay for an apartment." She says.
"That's always an option, but so is staying here." I say and she nods.
"They have- they have already done so much" she says her voice breaking.
"It's what you do for the people you love," I say. She shakes her head. I think that comment was too much too soon.
"You have done a lot for them," I say to her. She looks confused.
"No," she says.
"Phoebe and Nathan couldn't get pregnant. They thought they were never going to have kids let alone teenagers. Then came a girl who stole their hearts. That girl being you," I say.
"They have kids Christian, don't you get it?" she says sharply.
"I know, but why does that mean you can't be one of them," I ask.
"They don't want me," she says.
"They wouldn't have brought you here and moved all your stuff here if that was the case," I say.
"I just screamed at nathan and swore at him" she says and covers her face with her hands.
"You don't get it," she says and I nod.
"I don't, but I was once in the system. I lived in about 6 homes before 6 years old," I say and she looks over at me.
"When grace and Carrick adopted me… I didn't talk. To them or anyone. I wouldn't let them touch me. I wouldn't let them in. They waited and slowly I started to open up. I was by no means a typical child, but they loved me I realized I was wanted and worthy of love my world changed. All this to say you don't have to realize it today or anytime soon, but you are wanted and you are loved," I say. Tears are filling in her eyes.
"I'm sorry." She says.
"Why?" I ask her.
"That happened to you" she says and I shrug.
"We all have a story, that was mine. It took me awhile to learn I was loved," I say and she nods.
"Our situations are different, but if I know one thing we are both loved. Whether we know it or not," I shrug and give her a sad smile.
Tears roll down her face. "I wanted Susan to choose me, I want someone to choose me," she says. I feel my heart break.
I reach out slowly and put my hand on hers. I rub my thumb back and forth on her hand. "We are choosing you, but that doesn't make it hurt any less," I say and she nods.
"For what it's worth Susan doesn't deserve you, if she and Chris can't see how wonderful you are they have fucking lost it, not that we didn't already know that," I say and she laughs through her tears.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you," she says and I shake my head.
"You should hear me when I snap," I make a joke and she smiles.
I stand up and move the trash so she can throw out her tissues. She is staring at the huge stack of boxes in the corner. "Want some help unpacking?" I ask her and she shakes her head.
"I want it to be permanent," she says and I nod. I know it will be, but she needs to know that too.
"Okay," I say.
"Thanks for… this," she says and I nod.
"Well I don't want to overstay my welcome," I say as she nods. She looks exhausted.
"Okay," she says.
"I'm always here, my ringer is always on, Phoebe and Nathan are also always here." I say.
I go to walk out and I hear a broken sob. I turn and see her sobbing. "Christian," she says. She walks towards me and I open my arms. She walks into them. She wraps her arms tightly around me.
"I'm always here, do you want me to stay til you fall asleep?" I ask. I rub my hand up and down her back.
"No, I am going to shower and head to bed. I am going to stay here for tonight," she says and I nod.
I reassure her I'm only a call away. I walk out of the room and head downstairs. Phoebe is pacing the kitchen and Nathan is sitting at a kitchen stool.
"Is she okay?" Phoebe asks as soon as she sees me.
"She will be, she just needs time to realize this is permanent. Give her some grace and room to experience this all," I say. "She feels bad about yelling at Nathan," I say and Nathan looks over.
"I don't care about that, I just want her to be okay," I figured that would be his response.
Phoebe comes and hugs me tightly. I kiss her her head and rub her back. "It'll be okay," I say.
(Nathan's POV)
After Christian leaves, I get Phoebe in bed. Sawyer has been sleeping longer stretches, but I keep the monitor with me in case she wakes up. I stay on the couch tonight in case Claire gets up or needs anything. I also am scared she will try to sneak out.
At around 12 in the morning after two wake up calls from Sawyer, I hear shuffling in the kitchen. I sit up and see Claire. She doesn't see me. I watch her look in the chick fil a bag. She hasn't eaten since last night. I know that. I put her food in the fridge.
I clear my throat and Claire jumps. "Sorry," she says but her voice is hoarse. Her face is tear stained and puffy.
"Don't apologize I'm sorry I scared you, I put your dinner in the fridge," I say and she nods, but doesn't go to get it out.
"Here," I say and walk over and she immediately puts space between us. It feels like when we first met her and she was scared of all men. We may have to start back at square one. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I grab her dinner and put it on the counter. She gets a wrap so we don't have to heat it up. I walk back to the other side of the counter. She stares at it and nods. "That's what you like right," I ask. She nods again.
We stand there for a minute. I turn to grab a cup for water and she takes that opportunity to sit at the breakfast bar and begin to eat. "Would you like some water?" I ask her and she nods.
I fill the two cups and slowly approach her with hers. I lean over and set it down then go over to the island. There is a good amount of space between us. I sip my water and look out the window. It is pitch black, but I see some deer running by.
Claire slowly eats. I don't want her to think I am ignoring her, but also don't want her to feel the pressure to talk. I've never felt this on edge with her. Sipping my water I stare down at my hands.
I hear a broken sob come from Claire. I turn my head and see her hands over her face. I instantly walk towards her, but stop in my tracks when she flinches. I need to remember that we've gone many steps back in terms of physical contact and communication.
"Claire," I say softly. She shakes her head. Her hands are over her face and she is sobbing.
"what can I do for you?" I ask stepping back. She doesn't answer and continues to sob. This is torture. I want to give her a hug and take her pain away.
She doesn't talk and continues sobbing. I grab some tissues and put them on the table. I wait for her to talk. This is killing me.
"Is it okay if I sit?" I ask her. She nods and watches me sit down. She scoots away from me. We stay seated in silence.
"I am… so… sorry," she says between sobs. I am confused.
"What are you sorry for?" I ask.
"I yelled at you," she cries.
"That's okay," I say softly.
"No it isn't," she snaps. "Sorry" she says and wipes her eyes.
"I don't know what's happening to me," she cries. I wish I could help her. I sit and try to actively listen.
"I'm not hungry," she closes her food and puts her elbows on the table. This poor girl.
"That's okay," I say.
"I'm not mad at you Claire, nobody is. We are worried about you," I say and she shakes her head.
"I don't want you to worry… fuck," she starts sobbing again. She is having a nervous breakdown. At this point I really don't know what to do. I'm really thinking about waking Phoebe. She is a psychologist, and always knows what to say.
Claire gets up and I follow her. "Stop," she says and I listen.
"Where are you going sweetheart?" I ask her.
"The bathroom leave me alone," she says and I listen. She walks into the first floor bathroom and I wait in the kitchen.
I wait and wait. I am starting to get nervous. All of a sudden I hear a shatter and a muffled scream. I sprint to the bathroom and rip open the door. Claire is holding her hand and the mirror is punched in. Her hand is gushing blood. She is going to need stitches.
"No no no," she screams once she sees her hand.
"It's okay, we need to take you to the hospital," I say trying to remain calm. I try to see her hand but she whimpers and hides it from me.
"Claire we need to go to the emergency room, come with me," I say having to be more stern.
"Nathan… Claire, oh my god. Oh my god, Claire. What happened?," I hear Phoebe say as soon as she sees us.
"I am going to take her to the ER stay here with Hen and the baby," I say quickly.
"What happened, Claire?" Phoebe is panicking and tries to hug her.
"No please no," Claire screams. Phoebe steps back. I think Claire is having a breakdown. Phoebe catches onto that.
"Okay… okay… Claire go to the car. Dylan is going to drive you and Nathan," she says and I see Dylan our security behind her.
We get her to the car and I sit in the back with her. She is looking at her hand and I see shard of glass in it. She is trying to pick them out. "Don't do that, sweetheart," I say and she pulls her hand away from me.
We get to the ER where Phoebe and I both work. Claire is out in a wheelchair and we are taken back immediately. There is so much blood. The cut is up to her wrist.
We get put in a room and I stand back. It is the hardest thing to do, but as an ER doctor I know my hovering is not helpful. "Stop stop," claire is screaming and thrashing.
"Claire, it's okay," I try to step in because I am a familar face.
"Her heart rate is through the roof. we need to administer some medication to calm her down," the nurse says explaining it to me like a parent not a doctor.
I help hold her arm down as she is screaming and crying. "Please Nathan stop. Don't let them do this stop stop stop," she is screaming. I feel tears well in my eyes. I have never seen her like this. I know they need to administer the medication.
After it kicks in she stops crying and slowly falls asleep. I wipe a stray tear away. I have never experienced anything like that. Seeing your child in so much pain. I have a new empathy for the parents I work with.
The room is much quieter. My coworker walks in. "Nathan I didn't expect to see you," he says and I shake his hand.
"Hi John," I say as he sits and reads through her chart.
"Okay, I'm going to numb her, clean it out and do stitches," he says and I nod.
"You're welcome to sit I'll have her hand over here," he says and I nod. I sit and stroke Claire's hair. She looks so calm now.
"Psych is also coming to do an eval. They want her overnight," he says and I nod. I figured.
It takes him about 20 minutes and once he is done he wraps her hand up. "She'll be okay," he says and pats my shoulder. After he walks out I am alone with Claire.
I take the time to text Phoebe. She responds right away. Phoebe says the psychologist is going to do an evaluation and will probably recommend she see a psychiatrist and therapist.
I dim the lights in the room and take off my jacket and drape it over Claire. I sit down in the chair and rest my eyes.
I jolt awake when I hear the door open. I look and see that I've been asleep for two hours. "Sorry to wake you," a woman who I assume is the psychologist says.
"You're fine, I'm nathan Moore," I say and shake her hand.
"I'm Julie," she says and looks at Claire who is slowly opening her eyes. I walk over and stand near her bed.
"Hi Bear," I say and squat down to eye level with her. She looks around confused and looks at her hand. I can see her registering what's happening. She begins to look horrified.
"Hey it's okay," I say and she looks at Julie.
"Hi Claire, I'm Julie, I'm a psychologist here," she says.
"How's your hand?" I ask her.
"F-fine," she says and pulls it back so I can't touch it.
I put her water near her on the table and sit down on the chair next to her bed. "Are you in any pain?" I ask her and she shakes her head no.
"Claire would it be okay if you and I talked?" Julie asks. Claire looks at me then her. I nod as if to say it's okay. She nods and shifts in the bed.
"I'm going to step out," I say and Claire turns and looks at me sadly. "Is that okay?" I ask her. She nods slowly.
I step out and head into the lobby. I want to call Phoebe but decide against it. It's the middle of the night still and in case she just got Sawyer down. I decide to go to my office so I can have some privacy.
I sit down at my desk chair and drag my hands across my face. This is a shit show. How our world has changed in 24 hours. I grab myself some water and try to relax. It is impossible.
I hear back out into the emergency room. I never expected to be sitting where my patients sit. I am so restless.
After what feels like 5 days, I see Julie step out so I rush over. "Is she okay?" I ask.
"She is coming out of a nervous breakdown. There has been a lot of change in the past 12 hours. I have written down the names of psychiatrists. An antidepressant is probably going to be very helpful here. I know she is in counseling, but every other week is not going to cut it. I think once or twice a week for the time being is going to be necessary," she says.
"I did a mental health evaluation and she did not present any suicidal ideations or behaviors," she says and the word suicide in the same sentence as Claire brings stomach bile into my throat.
"She is going to be okay. She is incredibly upset about how she has treated you and Phoebe in the past couple of days. I think that is what is eating her alive," she says and I shake my head. I don't care about that at all.
"Thank you for all your help," I say and she nods.
"If you have any questions I put my card in the folder along with recommendations," she says and I take it.
I head into the room, where A nurse is looking at her hand one last time. "I'm not worried about it," he says and Claire is staring at the ceiling.
"Thanks," I say and he heads out. I sit down on the doctors stool and scoot it over.
"We are free to go," I say and she nods. She stands up and hands me my coat. "Why don't you wear it," I say and she slips it on.
We walk to the car and start to drive home. Claire is picking at her wrap on her hand. I reach over and try to take her hand away so she doesn't open the bandage. She flinched and I take that as my cue to not do that.
When we pull up she quickly gets out of the car and heads inside. She runs up the stairs and heads to her room. I follow her quickly. I know she needs space, but I refuse to not have a conversation after everything that happened.
I walk into her room and she jumps. I apologize for startling her and sit at the end of the bed. "We need to talk," I say and she doesn't say anything. She is lying in bed looking down.
"Bear, we are not mad at you. I don't care if you swore at me or yelled at me. I would have been doing the same. You had a long day and deserve to be angry. I am not mad at you. Phoebe is not mad at you. We just want you to be okay." I say and tears roll down her cheeks.
"I feel homesick," she says and I nod. I am sure knowing she can never go back to Susan's does make her homesick.
"I can imagine you do feel that way. If there is anything we can do to make here feel more like home we will do it," I say.
"I'm sorry, god I'm so sorry," she cries.
"Claire, do not apologize. We aren't mad I promise you," I say.
"I broke your mirror, I yelled at you, I made a scene. Now you have to have another kid," she says.
"I'll get a job, I can pay rent here. I know I probably can't afford it," she starts to cry harder. I want to take her in my arms, but I have to respect her boundaries.
"Claire, you were our first kid. You will always be our first. We love you so much," I say and start to get a bit emotional.
"I'm baggage," she says and I shake my head.
"No, you are our first kid. You were patient with us through all of our fuck ups. You loved us through learning to be parents. Claire we adore you. Our families adore you. Christian and Ana always say they have four grandkids. We all love you so much," I say. She is sobbing.
"We want you to live with us. Henry is going to be in seventh heaven, Sawyer gets to have a cool big sister," I say and she laughs through her sob.
"I don't deserve it," she says and I look at her sadly.
"Claire you deserve more than we can give you. You are a light to the world. We don't know what we did to deserve you," I say.
I put my hand on top of hers and she lets it stay there. This is progress from our previous interactions today. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and take the pain away.
"If I'm going to live here… I-I want to help," she says and sniffles.
"What do you mean?" I ask her.
"I want to help pay rent or clean or something," I don't think she realizes we don't pay rent and now Is not the time to explain a mortgage.
"Claire, you're a kid. You don't have to do that. We don't want you to do that,," I say and she shakes her head.
"No, I'm 18," she says and I sigh. I am not going to win this one.
"And you are our child. You are not giving us money or working," I say.
"Then I'll save up to get my own apartment," she says and I rub my hands over my face. I haven't slept, showered or eaten. It's 6 in the morning at this point.
"Claire, if you want to work… you can watch Sawyer after school while Phoebe gets stuff done a couple times a week," Claire likes this and nods.
"Okay… then I'll stay," she says and I smile. She yawns and I pat her hand.
"Go to sleep for a bit," I say and stand closing the curtains.
"Okay, you too," she says and nods rolling over onto her side.