CHAPTER 2

Perfect – Simple Plan

Maybe being close to death makes one appreciate life more. Almost dying makes one want to live. Come to the realization that they're throwing their life away.

That's exactly what happened to Leah after the face off with the Italian Vamps.

She walked on that field 1% hopeful and 99% sure that she was going to die that day. She had, at that point, contemplated suicide multiple times. Only thoughts of Seth had stopped her from making any attempt.

When things worked out in their favor, it was so unexpected that Leah couldn't help but feel suspicious. Vampires that are thousands of years old can't possibly be that easy to intimidate, after all.

Still, it was like getting a new lease on life. It lit a fire under her, making her determined to live her life better. The sleepless vampires offered to patrol their territory so Jake's renegade pack of three can go home and sleep. Probably the only time they had a genuinely considerate and useful idea.

She and Seth ran home, and hugged their mom. Very awkwardly on Leah's part. Everything between her and her mom were awkward those days. Her mom wanted her and Emily to be BFFs again, and Leah thinks Sue is rebounding with Charlie. In between the fighting, there were the uncomfortable silences.

Leah let Seth have the shower first while she pulled out her laptop and began looking at application deadlines. It was too late for incoming freshmen but maybe not for transfers. She had sixteen community college courses taken between tenth and twelfth grade. At least twelve are transfer level. She remembered how strategic her applications had been. Some scholarships are only available for freshmen, and some universities are more likely to accept freshmen, but transferring units could shave off up to a semester of undergrad.

She did some digging for the flash drive where she kept her essays and personal statements, and the three pages long list of scholarships. She needed a new email address. Her high school one had long expired, and she doesn't remember the password to her personal one.

"Hey, Lee," Seth started hesitantly. His sister looked up briefly, and grunted in response.

"Quil said their pack is having a New Year's party over at Emily's… wanna go?"

"Not really." Leah responded, dismissively.

"Really? Coz they said, you know, no pressure. With the whole two packs thing. They won't pressure us to join them back. And they invited Jake, but he's going back to Nessie after seeing Billy. Billy will be at the party, too, so he's stopping by."

Leah didn't doubt for a second that rejoining the packs would be a main topic of conversation at that party.

"Nah, I'm fine. Kinda tired."

Seth hesitated, "'Kay."

And for a moment Leah felt guilty because Seth always wanted to get along with everyone, and he only really stops himself because of some misguided sense of loyalty to his sister. And Leah hated herself for holding her brother back.

Her mom is next, and her back stiffened as soon as she heard Sue's steps down the hallway.

"Leah," her mom started with a sigh. "I already told Sam and Emily that we'll be there, and your brother really wants to go. Can't you be a grown up about this?"

"I'm tired, Mom."

Her mom sighed again. "Leah, your brother's just been through something traumatic…"

"So have I!" Leah shot back. "Why can't I just rest? Give me a break here!" This was not how she pictured her homecoming to be. Actually, no. This was exactly what she was afraid her homecoming would be. Their fights were always somewhere at the intersection of how Leah was a bad sister and a bad pack member. All the pride and preening that Sue did in her daughter's youth had been replaced by shame and frustration.

Sue sighed. She was so tired of her daughter's temper and attitude. The brief respite caused by Harry's sudden death ended exactly two days after the funeral. She wished her daughter could try to be more considerate of her and Seth and everyone around them. While she can acknowledge Leah's difficulties, she couldn't understand the young woman's resistance to making any effort that would make her own life easier.

"You know, I'd hoped that the one good thing from the pack splitting up would be you gaining some perspective. It hasn't been easy, you know," Sue said. Leah felt that familiar twinge of guilt. Why can't her mother just be happy she came back alive for two seconds? But Leah's stony expression was misinterpreted as uncaring, so Sue continued on.

"It hasn't been easy on me, on Seth. I wish you would stop acting like you're the only one to be grieving, or hurting. You're not the only one who had to give up things, who sacrificed. I wish you would try, Leah. Just try."

The twinge became a vice, and the cycle continued. A mother who wanted better for a daughter she didn't understand. A daughter who didn't have the years to understand herself, let alone her mother. And a meeting at a halfway point that neither can reach.

"It hasn't been easy for Sam..."

Oh, here we go... Leah thought to herself, rolling her eyes. The action only setting her mother off even more.

"It's true! He was alone, Leah! He phased alone!"

So did I, Leah thought. No one expected me to phase. No one was looking out for me, the way they were looking out for Seth or Jacob or any of the guys when they started showing signs. I was alone, too.

But she didn't say it out loud. Maybe if she did, her mother would have understood her better. Instead, she always said the wrong things out loud. Not that it ever mattered in the pack mind. The little, tiny details of her feelings were just things that got in the way of their contentment.

"And it wasn't easy on Emily. You know the things that people in town say about her..."

Yes, Leah did know. That's why she agreed to be a bridesmaid. Because she knew what people said about her cousin. Emily was, despite everything, sweet and gentle and didn't have the necessary defenses against small town gossip. Leah knew that as happy as Emily was with Sam, her cousin could never just put aside how much her parents and family despised her relationship and how it started.

One would think that the town would split between Team Leah and Team Emily, but why hate one woman when they can hate both? Emily the Homewrecker deserved her face, and Sam was lucky having escaped Leah the Bitch. Those 'in the know' hate Leah. Those not in the know hate her, too. But at least she was strong. She can defend herself.

Emily can't. And, despite everything, Leah still didn't like seeing her cousin torn apart. And she despised the misogyny that was directed at both of them, pitting them against each other. She may no longer want to be Emily's friend. But she wasn't about to be used by hateful people. So she agreed to be a bridesmaid, thinking that it might take some heat off. If the scorned woman had gotten over it, so could other people.

But it just wasn't enough. It was never enough. The pack made jokes about her agreeing to be a bridesmaid. They would never believe that Leah could be kind, especially towards Emily. Her mother and the elders were just glad to have some of the drama settled, not really caring why or how.

When she first phased, Leah had this recurring nightmare. She was lying down on the forest floor, staring up at the sky through the forest canopy, unable to move. And her wolf was eating her guts.

Snorting and growling while it tore her ribs apart to get at her soft organs. There was a wet squelching sound as it chewed, bones cracking, its snout covered in her blood.

She would wake up with a start, afraid and alone with the unshakeable feeling that this was what being a wolf, a pack member, was going to be like. To be eaten alive, helplessly. Every bit of her will be given to the wolf, to the pack. Until not a shred of her remained. And somehow that still wouldn't be enough.

It reminded her of the wendigo legend of the Native tribes out in the Northeast. A ravenous creature, greedy, always hungry and never filled. Nothing will ever be enough for the tribe. They take and take and take. Then, they ask for more. They were wendigos feasting on the wolves and their lives and nothing will ever satiate.

And somewhere in the back of Leah's mind, her mother was still talking.

She wouldn't go to the New Year's party that night. Instead, she filled out her applications to universities, re-wrote her personal statements for scholarships, looked for apartments and jobs in Seattle, updated her resume.

She needed to save whatever was left of her.