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CHAPTER 3

Grow Up – Paramore

Leah can be very resourceful, and never more than when she was being selfish. When Jacob started thinking about rejoining the two packs, she very skillfully steered him away. Knowing that her mental health wasn't sufficient as a reason (because no one cared enough about it), she instead used Renesmee. Sam would never prioritize Renesmee. Sam may protect Renesmee as an imprint, but not her family.

She was worried that it was only a matter of time. Jacob did go to the New Year's party at Emily's. Billy and the elders had been pressuring him to rejoin the packs. And Jacob had never wanted to be Alpha.

Still, Leah had to try. So she took on most of their patrols, giving her pack mates free time. She was nice to Embry and Quil when they joined their pack. She tried to organize 'pack nights'. Once she cooked dinner for the pack, slaving over a stove the whole day and paying for the food from her savings. They cancelled last minute and she threw away the food. Still, she didn't complain.

She was even nice to most of the Cullens, when she wasn't busy staying out of their way, particularly the mind reader. When they made jokes about the pack being 'dogs', she would bite her tongue and ignore them. When Renesmee bit her as a joke, Jake and the Cullens laughed, she walked away.

When her mom revealed that she had loaned Leah's share of the money Grandma Julia had left behind to Emily and Sam so they can buy the cottage (the same one that Sam and Leah were supposed to buy together), she was livid, but she tamped that down. She calculated that amount as part of her college budget. Guess no one was expecting her to get out of this town.

She didn't tell anyone about her applications. Thinking about the grossest things she knew about menstruation when she was phased with the others. She couldn't keep everything out though. Like how she bought a mental health journal on Amazon and had been logging her symptoms and triggers. She had been researching coping mechanisms. She let that slip in the pack mind and it became a running joke. Every time something happened it was, "Log that into your notebook, Leah!"

Still, she didn't say anything.

She held down two jobs, saving money while waiting for the universities to reply. She took on most of the chores around the house, and stayed away from Sue, Charlie, and members of the other pack.

She got a credit card without telling her mom. The balance was low but she'll need it for the apartment deposit. She got a new cell phone. Nothing fancy, but it was hers. She didn't give anyone the number.

Overall, she thought things were going great. She reached a sort of contentment.

It was mid-March when she got the email. She was almost afraid to open it. This could be the end of the road for her. Taking a deep breath, she started to read.

And felt more joy than she'd felt in years.

She had always wanted to go to UW Seattle. Her Grandma Julia had taught there, and her name were in plaques in two different buildings. She toured it many times as a child. But Sam had wanted to get away "for the experience". And Boston University had offered a scholarship. So she had turned down UW two years ago.

Not this time, though.

She accepted immediately. Calling to make a counseling appointment even though she doesn't start for another half a year. She started calling off-campus housing, asking about availability. She put together a list of jobs, menial ones that don't require a lot of experience. Whatever would pay the rent and the bills.

She went to Jacob's house to tell him. She was strategizing how to convince him to let her go as she did her excited fast-paced walk-run.

It's funny how things can go from awesome to absolute shit in less than an hour.

Before she could even tell Jacob about her plans, he told her that the pack had been rejoined. She wasn't told specifically because she would oppose. The reason wasn't because it was for the best of the pack. Or because it would prevent conflict between the wolves. Or because it would keep the rez safer.

Nope.

The reason was because Jacob wanted to spend more time with Renesmee.

"More time with your imprint? I've been pulling your patrol shifts, how much more time do you need?"

"You can't possibly understand what it's like, Leah! And I can't make decisions based on what you want!"

There wasn't really anything she could say to that. Imprints come first. Always.

She ran home after that infuriating conversation without telling Jacob about college. What's the point? Sam doesn't allow the wolves to live off the rez, much to Rachel Black's frustration. Jacob's sister had to give up her studies at UW Seattle and she wasn't even a wolf. The council and Sam seemed united in destroying any life they can have outside of the pack. Leah had no chance of making her case.

She'd spent the past three and a half months working, holding herself back, for what? For fucking what?! She felt herself tremble, telltale signs of the phase. Then she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror, immediately stopping it.

She didn't recognize herself anymore. Even years after she stopped taking ballet, she moved with a particular grace. Not anymore. Now she walked and moved like she's about to fight in a ring. Her hair that used to be so long and pretty was short, the ends uneven. Her summer dresses and handmade jewelry had been replaced by a t-shirt and cut off jeans she took from the laundry hamper that morning. She was slovenly, and ugly, and an overall mess that no wonder no one could believe she could go anywhere.

And she felt that oppressive cage closing around her again. The one she thought she had already escaped from. There was no way out. This nightmare will never end.

You can leave.

The voice startled her. It sounded like…

But that can't be. She must really be losing her mind.

You can leave. I will help you.

She spun around. There was no one there. Except the voice of her grandmother that died years ago.

Leaving. Leaving was a good plan. A better plan than destroying herself. She doesn't want to die. Not really. She wanted to give herself one more chance.

She ran to her room, grabbing the already packed backpack under her bed. It had clothes she had saved specifically from getting shredded by her phasing. It also had her birth certificate and other documents she might need for school. She grabbed her new credit card and phone, and a few toiletries out of the bathroom. Some pictures and mementos. She wondered if she should leave a note.

She hesitated as she thought of Seth. He would be left with their mom, all the chores and the patrols. Will he have time for schoolwork?

But he wasn't even here. He was at the Cullens. Seth was always caught between her and whoever she was feuding with that week. Between her and their mom. Between her and the Cullens. Between her and the other wolves.

She stayed this long for her brother. She stayed because she didn't want to be chased out of her home.

But without her, he could be friends with everyone without worrying about taking her side. Her mom would be happy with Charlie without worrying about her acceptance. Sam and Emily could be happy without feeling guilty every time they see her around.

They're not holding her back. It's the other way around. She's holding everyone back.

She isn't wanted or needed here.

She's poison.

She walked out the door, and headed for the road.