Thad's Holiday Stress.
Thad found that the words that Wes had said to him the day after Christmas were still ringing in his head two days later as he drove the by now familiar route to New York. He was in a rental car on this occasion, so that he could fly back to Ohio after spending New Year with his brother. He was grateful as he headed east for the fact that his brother and Michelle still lived in a two bedroom apartment, as it meant that there was no space for him to stay with them, the former guest room now a nursery. He was therefore staying in the little apartment above Seth's in the West Village, the guest suite of choice in the street on which s many of his friends resided. It gave him more freedom than staying with Nick and Jeff, as they had happily suggested when he first said he was coming.
Much as he loved all of the boys that had made up his generation of the Warblers, he was looking forward to having some solitude in the city. In the little apartment he could come and go as he pleased, and he fully intended to head out and try the latest dining experiences in the newest restaurants. He wanted to have a good browse of the Strand bookstore, and as he had seen there was a good sale, he might even get a new suit made at Brooks Brothers. Finally, he had booked a seat at a concert at Carnegie Hall, allowing him to indulge in one of his private passions; listening to well played classical music. He did intend to catch up with as many of the former Warblers in the city as he could, but he did not intend to force any of them to join him on his explorations.
He was actually glad that the year was nearly over, as it had been a tough one. There had been all of the issues with Seth and his declining health, and then his own issues with his young namesake had added to the burden. It was also true that it had been the most magical year of his life, as his dreaded thirtieth birthday had turned into the happiest day of his life, a dream come true - but in all honesty, he felt tired. That was why he was now taking some Thad time, and if he was honest, had he not been obliged to travel to see his brother, he would have placed Seth on the train and headed away to do something that set his pulse racing, like winter sports in the Rockies. He had always wanted to try ski jumping, or the bobsleigh…
Seth had sat beside Thad asleep for most of the trip, or at least that was the impression that he chose to give the Head Warbler. He was pretty certain that Mrs Carmichael had kept her word and not told anyone about the incident with the pudding on Christmas Day; however, he suspected that somehow Thad still knew all about it, and that someone with wings had told him of course. Whilst he wasn't exactly mad about that, it still felt like a breach of trust. He had an appointment made with Ollie for the following day, and whatever was said there would be passed on to Thad as per his own request.
Seth was smart enough to realise that his fate was not the only thing that was occupying Thad's mind, and he had been tempted to ask, to offer his shoulder as one for Thad to cry on. Then he had decided it wasn't necessary, as he would have an angelic shoulder to cry on, and in any case, it was unlikely that the older man would agree to it. Maybe once he had wings of his own, people would confide in him too…
Nonetheless as they drove east, Seth still tried to guess what it could be that was on his friend's mind. As they grew ever closer to the city that he called home, at least for now, he thought about it, many ideas coming to him then being dismissed as unlikely in a heartbeat. The idea that Thad might be hiding an illness of his own stayed in his mind a lot longer, but apart from the heartburn that he now complained of whenever he ate spicy food, there was nothing obviously amiss.
It was as they drove into the tunnel under the Hudson river that it suddenly came to Seth's attention that the changes that he had noted in Thad had begun in October, just after the birth of his nephew. Thad had of course finally married Wes just a few months before, and it was not stupid to think that both of them would have wanted a family… Could it be that Thad was jealous of his big brother? In Seth's mind, that was the best explanation for the changes he had noticed. As much as he loved his big brother, Thad wanted to be the Harwood man with a new son…
Seth kept his suspicions to himself though, not wanting to risk upsetting Thad. As they pulled into the West Village street, he pretended to wake up, not very convincingly if he was being honest with himself. "Are we back already? I am sorry that I wasn't much company on the trip, but I have been feeling far more tired than normal for the last couple of weeks. I think it is a combination of my condition, and the fact that it is winter - there's a condition like that as well, isn't there?"
"Seasonal Affective Disorder," answered Thad. "It's one of the few medical problems that has a really appropriate acronym - SAD. It wouldn't surprise me at all if you had a touch of that; the dark nights and the short days make all of us a little less cheerful. There are some that maintain that is why there are so many festivals, religious and secular, that involve light at this time of year. All of the bright lights of Christmas, and the candles of Hanukkah too. Even the pagans had their festival of Yule at this time of year. The way to survive it is to realise that the days are now getting longer again, and the nights shorter. Before we know it, it will be summer again…"
At that point, Thad stopped himself; he was suddenly conscious that he was sitting in a car with someone who might not potentially make it to the summer, or if he did, then he would not be free to enjoy it like the rest of them. "I'm not actually looking forward to it that much myself," he found himself saying. "I mean, I don't mind it at the start; I quite like the end of May and June…"
"Oh, come on, the 2nd of July you will probably love more than any other day of the year now," Seth joked, and he smiled when he saw Thad's face light up, even if it was only for a fleeting moment…
Then Thad's face dropped, and he whispered, "However, then we come to August, and that is always hard, and well, this year it will be a decade since…" Seth nodded, and reached out to take Thad's hand in his own, knowing to what he was referring. A decade since they had all assembled at the New Yorker Hotel, a decade since the Warblers had screamed in unison, a decade since the events of one Sunday morning in Harvard had shattered all of their hearts… "It's not myself I feel sorry for," continued Thad. "It's Niff; when most people have been married for ten years, they throw a party to celebrate, but they don't mark the anniversary of their wedding in any way. The date is tainted for them."
"They celebrate the day that they shared that very public and epic first kiss though, and if we are honest, a relationship does not begin on your wedding day, unless it is one of those planned ceremonies that you hear about in other countries."
"Hmm, well that kiss might have been the official moment that Nick and Jeff merged to become our Niff, but if you ask me, it really began in 2010, the moment that Nick Duval walked into that classroom, and a certain Jeff Sterling saw him…"
Seth would recall Thad's words the next day as he sat and waited for his appointment with Ollie. He realised that he had always thought that his condition had begun when he had started to experience the major pains in his hand, and he was no longer able to make his models with their former accuracy, but if he thought back, he had experienced twinges in it long before that; in fact, he could recall having pain in his hand back when Hunter had been terrorising all of them at Dalton. He had dismissed it then as a side effect of the steroids, the pressure they were under, and of course, the smacks on it from the cane that Voldemort had meted out if they did not meet his exacting standards…
He couldn't help but wonder if it had not been for that, would he have paid more attention to the problem and sought help sooner? In all likelihood, he doubted it, but you never could know, one way or the other when you looked back in hindsight. It would have made little or no difference of course. Yes, spotting it sooner might have meant they could start the treatment earlier, even have given him a better regime of medication, but the end result would have been the same. He had enjoyed a few more years of blissful ignorance by ignoring it; sometimes, you really were happier not knowing. It was better than waking up every day, your first thought being was the day going to be a good or a bad one, and spending the rest of the day wondering if it was suddenly about to change…
The moment that he described what had happened at the Carmichaels' table on Christmas Day to Ollie, he saw the doctor's poker face fail him. "Mrs Carmichael's younger brother also suffered from MND, so she knew what it was," he said bluntly to him. "I guess what I want to know is if there is anything I can do to prevent it, or am I doomed to lose the ability to eat, and possibly breathe, thus adding a whole new set of circumstances to the ways that I could die?"
The look of absolute horror on Ollie's face made Seth guilty at once, but before he could apologise, Ollie cleared his throat, then said, "We can make changes to your diet, how much you drink, even how much and when you eat. All of that can be a help. I am guessing though that you have been looking at the worst case scenario online, so yes, all that you have pictured could happen, but you can be assured that I will do my very best to ensure that does not happen to you."
"I know you will, and I am sorry for being so blunt. I just do not like to see Mrs Carmichael as upset as she was, and this will hurt Thad too when you confirm it to him, as you have my full permission of course to do. Being honest with you, he is not feeling that great himself at the moment…"
"Really? Is there anything that I can do to help him?"
"Just be there for him and your wife in August next year. Remember how both of their world's fell apart in the summer of 2014..."
Ollie drew a blank for a moment, and then it hit him. "Of course! This coming year is going to be a harder anniversary for them than usual."
"Hardest I think for your brother. He comes across as strong and tough, but he is fragile underneath. He cares too much for others, and honestly, if I do not last another year, then it might just well tear him apart…"
When Seth had told Thad that he wanted to go to his appointment alone, he had expected that the Head Warbler would protest, but instead he agreed quite happily. What Seth did not know was that he had decided that if he was going to go and visit his namesake, then it would be easier if he did so, at least on the first visit, without his brother in the room. Safe in the knowledge that he would be at work and seeing Seth, he checked that Michelle was home, and then headed across town to the small apartment where the brotherly pact had been agreed upon just over a year ago. When he arrived, it was just as he had seen it last, apart from the conversion of the minimalist spare bedroom into a nursery. However, he was surprised to find that whilst the furniture had changed, the décor had not.
"I know what you are thinking," said Michelle as he stared, "but we made a conscious decision not to alter things in here because we are looking for somewhere a little larger, and there is no point in redecorating if we are just about to move. Little Thad will grow up and need space, and it would be nice to have a guest room again. We have seen a few places, and there is one in particular, up in Murray Hill, that we really like. It is also just a couple of blocks from Cooper and Grace, which is a bonus. It is handy enough for both of us to get to work, and it is full of period features…"
"That does seem like a sensible option," replied Thad as he walked over to the crib in which the little boy that he had helped to bring into the world was lying asleep. His heart was immediately in his mouth as he saw him in the flesh for the first time since the day he was born. He did not want to start over thinking, in case all of his thoughts became paternal. His nephew was just as handsome as he had been before, and had grown so much in just the few weeks since he came into the world…
He felt Michelle touch him gently on the shoulder, then she said quietly, "Birdie told me that you have been having conflicting feelings, and I guess that I expected that to happen. He is always going to be your son; he might never know that, but your brother and I always will do. We both know that you are his biological father…"
"But Ollie is his dad. In a way, he is in a situation like Jeff…" Michelle looked at him curiously, and then he carried on, "The Sterlings are his mum and dad, but Elspeth is his mother. He has three parents. That must be awkward at times, and I would not want to place this little man in the same situation. I would not want to burden him with all the conflicting emotions such a situation can bring…"
Michelle did not get a chance to reply because at that moment her son woke up. His eyes popped open and instantly met his namesake's; they were the same hue as Thad's, and as Ollie's too. "He will be needing a feed," she said softly. "I think that such things can go on the list of tasks for an uncle. Go and take a seat in that chair over there, and we can get the two of you settled before I go and fetch his bottle…"
As if on autopilot, Thad headed over to the chair without argument and sat down; he watched as his sister-in-law picked her son up, then holding him gently, carried him over to his uncle. His experience with the babies of the other members of the Warblers over the years meant that he quickly had his arms ready to receive the bundled infant; Michelle did not hesitate to place him in Thad's arms. "Right, so now I will go and get his bottle, but I will give you a few minutes alone first."
Before Thad could protest, he found himself alone, cradling his son… That word entering his head made his breath hitch, made him feel like bursting into tears. Part of him wanted to jump up and run away there and then, maybe placing his boy back in his crib, and maybe not…
"Which is just what you cannot do, my little one, and you know it…" Thad looked up, unsurprised to see Wes standing there. "I come and visit him too, you know, all the time, and I have moments when I feel exactly as you do right now. I feel that I should be his papa. But I can't be, any more than you can ever be his daddy. If you changed your mind now and claimed him back, what would happen? Michelle would never be able to stop hating you, your brother would be left totally destroyed. Everyone would know that he lied, and they would want to know why, and the whole story about his infertility would be forced out, and no man wants that disclosed to the world…."
"Then there are our friends, the other Warblers," continued Wes. "Would they all regard you in the same way, or would they look at you with distain, no longer able to respect you? And then, where would you go? Heading back to Dalton would not be an option, because of the scandal that would surround your actions, and in any case, even now, there is no place for a single gay dad in Ohio. So you would be homeless, and unemployed - and how would you ever get another teaching job when you would be unable to afford childcare?"
"I couldn't do it, and I know you are right Wes, but it's just…"
"He is your nephew, little one," said Wes, firmly but gently. "That is all that he ever can be, because for you to think of him in any other way would hurt so many people and drive you insane. I'm not going to sugar coat this; it really could destroy everything if you can't deal with this in the way that you promised to."
Thad looked at Wes then, and saw that husband could not meet his eyes. That was when it hit him, exactly what he was implying through his final words and the tone in which he spoke. "Your saying I would lose you… that if I can't…"
"It is certainly a possibility, and that would destroy me. I know that this is hard for you, but the boy in your arms is, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, Ollie's son. He is on all of the paperwork as the father, which makes any claim on your behalf illegal."
"Because I am only his uncle…"
"I wish that in the eyes of the world that wasn't the case, but it is…"
Thad nodded, then with a sad smile, looked down at his nephew. "Now where is that mummy of yours? Uncle Thad does not do diaper changes, and if I am not mistaken…"
Wes laughed then, before placing his hand on his husband's shoulder, hoping to give him some of the strength that the next few days was going to require…
At that moment Michelle came back into the room; she was about to greet her cousin warmly when she caught sight of the look on Thad's face, and a quick sniff of the air told her everything that she needed to know. Shaking her head, she walked quickly over to Thad, who handed over the child in his arms with an apologetic smile. She just shook her head at him again, the headed for the bathroom, where her son's changing mat was kept.
With the door closed behind her, Thad suddenly started to chuckle, which aroused Wes' curiosity. "I'm sorry, but I just realised that if you and I were his fathers, then neither of us would want to change him. You always used to say to Niff that you firmly drew the line at changing diapers, and I refuse to go there as well. We would be the world's worst fathers. Little Thad is so lucky that he actually has Ollie and Michelle for parents."
Wes said nothing in reply, knowing exactly what his husband was doing; he was trying to convince himself and the world in general that he would be absolutely useless as a parent. Wes knew that had they been together in this world, had they been blessed with a child, then both of them would willingly have handled the diapers, the night feeds, all of it, because that was what a parent did instinctively. It all came naturally when you knew that you had a small person's life depending on you stepping up. He knew that Thad cared for each and every boy in the dorm he was the master of at Dalton, their well-being his only concern. And then there was the way he treated Seth… No, his Thaddie would have made a wonderful father, given the chance. He let Thad chuckle, knowing that the moment that his cousin returned, he would be acting as Uncle Thad; caring, but not thinking in the slightly crazy way he had been just a few minutes earlier. That moment had passed…
Sure enough, within ten minutes Thad was cradling his nephew again, feeding him his bottle of milk, and making soft cooing noises. "He had a moment, didn't he?" Michelle whispered to Wes, and at first, he was unsure of how to respond without creating a problem…
"Yes, he did," he eventually whispered in reply, "but between my words and a fortuitously timed dirty diaper, he came out of it. Truth is that it is not as easy for him as he thought it would be, and at least a part of that is down to me. Maybe the two of us being married now hasn't helped. Then he is so stressed about poor Seth, and what Skylar will do when the time comes; and then there is Mrs Carmichael… I just wish that I could take him away from all of it for a while, wrap him up in cotton wool and free him from all of the heartaches, but I'm sorry to say that I can't. The Head Warbler's gavel comes with a set of obligations and responsibilities that never seem to diminish. I'm glad that I entrusted it to him though, nonetheless. Who knows were we might be if he did not have it? His life might be a lot more troubled. So, all of this has to stay between us; Ollie cannot know. The last thing that Thad needs is to fight with his brother, and possibly lose him. They both need the other one around."
Michelle nodded, and answered, "I know that I am of the opinion that someone needs to go and sort out their parents, their elder brother and their sisters. I know that you and I were both raised in a culture in which we were obedient to our parents wishes, but from what I can gather, Dr Marcus Harwood Senior is a control freak, and his wife enables him. If I ever meet any of them…"
"The only way that will ever happen is if one of the siblings rebels, so I am afraid that you would need to be civil. Trust me, I would love to go and visit his parents, and call them out, but in the end, it isn't worth it. As for their siblings, something tells me that they will end up reunited one of these days; whether that is in the face of great joy or tragedy I do not know…"
Across town at that moment, family was the furthest thing from Grace Hummel-Warbler's mind. She had somehow found herself volunteered to attend a legal conference at the Javits Center by her colleagues, and despite the fact that it was the holiday season, she had agreed to attend. The invitation was because she and her partners had built up a thriving law firm from nothing in no time at all. The fact that all of the firm's public facing staff were female had made them a news story from the off, and that, plus the way she had handled the adoption case last year for Elliott and Beats had given them the kind of publicity that money could not buy. Her role in Dante's case had even seen her being asked to join a committee at City Hall that was looking into all of the laws, rules and regulations governing children's needs on the statute books at City Hall, and having accepted, she soon found herself co-opted to join another that was looking at the rights of female employees in the public school system…
The conference would actually be a welcome break from her usual day to day work; it was a debate on human rights in the United States, and it had the sponsorship of the Federal Government. She had at first been a little surprised to find out that her younger brother had not been invited, as that was a speciality of his, but he explained when she asked that as he was an employee of the UN, he was not allowed to be anything more than a guest speaker at that kind of meeting. Grace knew that the majority of those attending would be speaking out as they attempted to increase the rights of those that the present system seemed to work against, but that in the interests of balance, there would also be some people that would argue that the laws should remain unaltered, and even some that wanted to reduce the rights of the ordinary people even further…
Grace had to admit that she was looking forward to taking some of them down a peg or two and making them look like the idiots that they plainly were. Stepping inside, she registered, then checked her programme of events, noting that they had already begun. She noted that there was a seminar about gay rights that was beginning in around 30 minutes, and she decided to head for it; given all that she had done for Beats and Elliott, her presence would be welcomed, and her arguments would no doubt get a receptive audience. She headed in the direction of the room in which the meeting was to be held, but hallways along the passageway she heard a raised voice that made her stop. She heard them proclaim that gays should have no rights, other than to be given treatment for their sickness, and that if such therapy failed, they should be put out of their misery. Grace instantly felt sick by the words being shouted out, but the voice that was speaking those words made it ten times worse. If she had known that her father would be attending the conference, then she might well have given it a wide berth…