Chapter 24: Confronting the Past

Fireheart caught Darkstripe as he was about to leave camp. Something in the warrior's face told Darkstripe that this was going to be a serious discussion.

"We need to talk."

"Somewhere else. I have a feeling you want something that I might not want to give."

"I want to talk about when you were an apprentice."

"Listen. I really don't like picking at old wounds, and I have a feeling you aren't going to stop, so let's go up by the Great Sycamore. I'd rather not let every cat know how I feel about back then."

Fireheart agreed to Darkstripe's terms. As the two made their way to the tree, Fireheart could smell the stress scent beginning to roll off Darkstripe. His walk was slightly off beat. Something told Fireheart that despite Darkstripe wanting to wait, he was already reliving those dreaded days. Darkstripe's gaze was glassy when they reached the tree. He almost walked right past it when he felt Fireheart stop. It snapped him out of his trance.

"OK. What exactly do you want to know about my apprentice days? I gave you a decent overview. I hope you can tell I really don't like talking about it."

"Let's start from the beginning. Tell me everything from your kithood till I showed up."

"You're asking a lot from me. I hope you know that. I don't know why you need to know this, so you better give me a good explanation when I'm done."

Darkstripe huffed as a slue of emotions washed over him. He laid down across some scattered leaves and stared at Fireheart.

"This is going to be a long story, so make yourself comfortable."

"If you want a word for what my apprenticeship and kithood were like, it'd be lonely. As the sole kit of Willowpelt at that time, I had no kits to play with. Willowpelt coddled me fiercely, often scared I would die by the slightest cold or cough. That fear permeated me and drove me to have the same fear. Shadows weren't shadows anymore in my eyes. They were foxes or badgers specifically wanting my blood. I was constantly terrified and only found solace in my mother. The mother who taught me to be so afraid."

A certain bitterness was in Darkstripe's voice when he mentioned his mother.

"Like all kits, my curiosity got the better of me. My lack of littermates and inactivity left me small but clever. When I was old enough to wander the camp, I wasn't exploring like other kits would at my age. I was finding hiding places and escape routes. I never felt safe, and the way the warriors at the time looked at me as the sole kit of Willowpelt reaffirmed that feeling. They looked at me with pity or avoided me entirely to keep out of Willowpelt's claws. It was miserable and lonely. Even the forest screamed danger to my tiny little kit ears. The only cat who looked at me differently was Tigerclaw. He didn't pity me. I disgusted him. It was fairly obvious by the time I was six moons old that something was wrong with me. I never asked about the forest or had the same bravado other kits had. I barely made it out of the nursery when it was time for me to be an apprentice."

"The apprentice ceremony was strange to say the least. It was raining when it was called. Something about rain always helped me a bit. The pattering of rain on the ground could wash out the noise that scared me so. I knew I'd be a disappointment to whoever got me. Bluestar made a choice. The only cat who did not fear Willowpelt's over protectiveness was Tigerclaw. I felt I could die at that very moment. Instead of joy or care that most mentors look at their new apprentices with, I only saw contempt. I think he only accepted because having an apprentice is necessary if one is to ever become deputy. Tigerclaw knew I'd be a troublesome apprentice, so he gave me some orders right away."

"'Be up at dawn and don't wake your mother. I will not tolerate poor punctuality.' Of all things, Tigerclaw's massive form and yellow eyes scared me more than whatever was in the forest. I barely slept that night in the apprentice den that was eerily empty. That was the first night I had ever been truly alone. I was jumpier than usual that morning. I waited outside the apprentice den for what felt like days waiting for Tigerclaw to approach me. When he did, he almost looked amused.

'Did you sleep at all?'

'Not really. I've never been alone before.'

'Then get used to it. I will not tolerate MY apprentice being a mouseheart.'

I stumbled over my words barely able to speak. 'Yes Tigerclaw, sir!'

He took me out, not for a tour of the territory, but for battle training. He fought me claws out until I passed out. I was brought back to camp in that state. Tigerclaw claimed it was a fox while we were touring the territory. I didn't correct him. During that time, I watched the medicine cats work on me. It was fascinating. They undid all the harm Tigerclaw did to me within days. I wanted to be one if only to avoid Tigerclaw. Unfortunately, it was not my calling. I am great at memorization, but that same fear that freezes me now when I see gore without the before would have froze me then as well.

I learned the territory in an odd way too. Tigerclaw took me outside of camp and told me to figure it out. I was alone in the forest and only learned the territory by following our borders the whole way around. Tigerclaw found me before I made it back to camp. He led me into camp and made me take the smallest fresh kill. Mind you, wandering the territory alone had exhausted me physically and mentally. I didn't give a response besides doing what Tigerclaw told me to. It made things easier.

Tigerclaw taught me to hunt. That isn't to say he really taught me to hunt, but more I followed him hunting and learned by copying him. It took a long time, and I was stuck eating the smallest of fresh kill until finally I caught something. It was a hare with a lame leg, but it was something. Tigerclaw had me haul it back to camp, but he let me eat it. I still remember it as the tastiest hare I have ever eaten. From then on, I became more diligent when hunting. If I caught something, I could eat more. The forest didn't feel so dangerous when I needed it to quell my hunger.

Battle was where my fear still gripped me. Tigerclaw initially needed only flash his claws to get me to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't want to hurt cats. The memory of my first day as an apprentice made me fear that pain. I didn't want any other cat to have it as well. Just like all my fears, Tigerclaw made me face it as well. He'd fight me daily since my hunting skills were 'good enough.' He'd punish me for not fighting him with the same aggression he gave me by having me deal with the elders and help the medicine cats. I took to these like a Riverclan cat to water. The stories I was never told as a kit were now fascinating, and I still had hope that maybe if I learned enough about herbs, I could change to be a medicine cat.

Eventually fights didn't scare me. Pain was regular, so I didn't fear receiving it or inflicting it. I was learning quickly my own way to fight. Copying Tigerclaw never worked for me. Probably because I am a lot smaller than him. I found ways to minimize or deflect blows. I'd wear them out with time and patience. Then I'd go for the kill. Tigerclaw looked at me differently after my first win. I was no longer the kit who jumped at his own shadow. I'd complete any task he gave me with as much efficiency as possible. I was now useful. I felt the change in his demeanor and would do anything to keep it in this new way. He wouldn't claw me and would talk to me. I felt pride in that. I thought for the longest time that the feelings I have for him now were trust, but something recently came up to make me question it. I'm not sure if it is trust anymore, but it still will make me jump to my paws if Tigerclaw asks me to."

The echo in Darkstripe's mind was now a loud caterwaul that was almost deafening. It took concentration to see and hear Fireheart. Fireheart was frozen as well, processing all this information. It made Fireheart's heart hurt to imagine Darkkit or Darkpaw from the story. Finally, Fireheart spoke.

"I… I never realized it was that bad."

Fireheart stared at the ground a bit before continuing.

"I don't think you were a bad apprentice like you said you were."

"But I was!"

Cooley Fireheart responded, "No you weren't. Look at what you did as an apprentice. You learned to the territory on your own. You learned to hunt just by watching. You made your own way to fight. Can you say that a bad apprentice could do that?"

"But I was scared. I feared everything."

"Yet you still came out alive. I don't know many cats who could come out of what you came through without breaking, and you didn't. If anything, I'd say Tigerclaw was a bad mentor. No, in fact, he was the worst mentor."

"The worst mentor?"

"He left you in the forest alone as a new apprentice and made you learn the territory on your own. He didn't teach you anything. He made you learn it on your own. He only taught you to follow his command, nothing else! You are the apprentice who earned his warrior name with no mentor."

Darkstripe was shaking in the closest equivalent to relieved sobs. Never had a cat said to him that he was strong. He always thought of himself as weak willed. The loner. But now some cat had burst though his emotional barriers. He wasn't just Tigerclaw's follower and former apprentice. They saw the cat that really is Darkstripe and didn't abandon him or think him weak as he'd always fear they would. When he calmed down and looked at their eyes, he could feel he could trust them.

"I think you should tell Bluestar your story."

Darkstripe responded with fear.

"No! I can't… I won't… I don't want them to know how weak I am."

"You aren't weak."

"Please. Not yet. Not now. I don't want others to know about this. I don't want to imagine how they'd look at me. I don't want pity or hatred. I want to be the strong yet cocky warrior they know me as."

"Ok. I won't tell the clan yet, but please know we won't think of you as weak for telling. No cat should go through that, and the fact you did proves you are stronger than most warriors out there."

"Maybe I'll let you tell someday. I don't think I have it in me to tell the story again."

Fireheart and Darkstripe returned. The echo in his mind was reduced down to a whisper that he would have to go out of his way to hear. Fireheart knew he didn't get all the information he wanted out of Darkstripe, but that would have to wait. Darkstripe wasn't in a good enough state to go hounding about evidence of Tigerclaw's wrongdoings with Shadowclan.