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Chapter 28: Kittypet heart
Riverclan had finally recovered from the flooding, and Fireheart was relieved of his duty to feed Riverclan. It felt right to him to have helped. It didn't hurt that they had a favor to hold over them after Darkstripe/Thunder got involved. The two didn't realize it, but they had a strong dynamic together. The two chatted more frequently since Greystripe seemed to be doubling down on visiting Silverstream. Past the thorny exterior, Darkstripe was a pleasant cat. His speech and choice of language were abrasive, but if one truly spent the time to listen to him, they'd find that his insults were often his way of trying to encourage a cat to change or look into why they have that trait.
"Why do you still call me kittypet anyways? We are friends, aren't we?"
"Listen Housie. No matter what you do and how far you go, there will always be cats that see you as just a kittypet because of your birth. How do you think you would react to the insult if you hadn't heard it regularly? The best answer to those that see you as that is not to deny it, but instead to prove despite it you've become a just warrior. I've even got a project set aside for if you ever decide to own the term. Make them see you are unique, and they'll never have base to tear you down."
"Is this from experience?"
"You think cats call me a loaner for fun? It used to be an insult to me, but I learned so much from dealing with loaners and had been alone so long, I decided I might as well call myself a loaner. Cats call me a piece of foxdung. I own it. It's a little know fact, but sometimes in the most desperate of situations, animals will eat dung to last that one more day. If I can be that barrier that keeps the clan going for just one more day, I'll gladly take the title."
"You just let them call you that?"
"They'd say it behind my back regardless. Since I own it, they can't insult me or disturb me with it. I've let other cats know that fun fact and have helped every cat I can in my own way. They may say the insult, but it no longer means the same thing when they say it about me. They mean I'm unpleasant, but I may save their or some other cat's life one day."
"I don't think I'm ready for something like that."
"And that is OK. It takes a lot of courage and a supportive base to start something like that. I had Longtail, Whitestorm, Bluestar, all the dealers, and… another cat supporting me when I decided to own the insult. It was terrifying and very difficult to get used to. I'd often forget that I asked them to do it and fear those who supported me just wanted to openly mock me, but I saw the looks on their faces and knew they never wanted to insult me in the first place. I threw away my shadowy thoughts because I was no longer doing it just for me. I was doing it for the cats who supported me. I made those insults into complements about my nature."
"How do you think kittypet can be seen another way?"
"Fireheart. I've gotten to know you well after all these moons of training. I know you are a warrior who will someday do something so great, it'll rival the clans' founders. What makes you a great warrior isn't your strength or courage. Those are certainly valuable. It's your kittypet heart. A heart that is soft to others because it was born into a world without strife. Where helping a cat is second nature. A place like Starclan in peacefulness. Unlike the rest of the clan, you are willing to make that first step to see who the other cat is truly regardless of if they are a friend or enemy. We keep our hearts guarded because we've been taught from birth that we have enemies. We are terrified of what those enemies may do, so we become defensive. Unfortunately, that layer of defense we hold so close keeps out connections and friends we could have made. We lash out at the differences before we think about how we are similar. That is why we need a cat like you. You are unafraid to make the leap and found that first connection. It may get you hurt from time to time, but that is why cats like me are here. We are so used to being attacked and betrayed that our skepticism acts as the shield when something goes wrong. You make something new. and we will protect you on the way."
"You really see me that way? I'm not as soft hearted as you say. I've hated cats and even tried to kill one."
"Clawface right? If you didn't know what Clawface did, I bet you would have tried to reach out to him because that is the kind of cat you are. You aren't a fool, but you also aren't afraid like us. I listened in a bit on your talk with Tiny and heard you tried to get him to change. I could never do that. I see the label, Bloodclan, loaner, outsider, and I instantly shut down my chances with them. You don't see the label. To you, every cat is a cat. It makes you special in a way we can never replicate."
Fireheart could feel his face burning under his pelt. It felt euphoric to have Darkstripe praise him without it being a backhanded compliment. Maybe he was special. He felt he was at least special to the cat talking to him. Fireheart could feel something burning within him that said Darkstripe was special to him to. Even now with Darkstripe using words like 'we' to minimize his importance, there was an implied I. If his kittypet heart ever guided him astray, he knew Darkstripe would be there to guide him back. They were partners. Two cats who keep each other safe.
Darkstripe knew with Fireheart by his side, he couldn't go back to being Longtail's partner. They'd always be close, but something about this pairing clicked in a way he'd never felt before. He felt a new emotion for Fireheart. It felt so familiar and alien at the same time. It was something that made him feel antsy and want to run away as fast as he could, but at the same time it screamed to run to him and never let him go. It was something that kept that echo that had never left his mind from reaching his ears. It twisted his dreams. His dreams of desire now didn't involve him making his name known. It involved a ginger cat leading him to a field full of flowers where Stripekit, his twinsoul, played, and he wouldn't have to lower his voice to appear masculine. It was a place where he didn't need his walls. He could just be with Stripekit and the ginger tom and just be himself.