Chapter 44: A Mother's Failures

Willowpelt felt she could never be a good mother. She worried that when her new batch of kits came, she'd end up harming them as well. She had always watched Darkstripe when he was in camp. He was the cat she had failed. His distrustful nature was due to how she raised him. She always knew he resented her for that. She didn't blame him.

When Darkstripe was born, she had been extremely fearful for his safety. It wasn't just because he was born in a poor season. Part of it was caused by Bluestar's kits disappearance that had happened just a few seasons prior. The other fear was about Darkstripe's father. Willowpelt had firmly invoked queen's rights when any cat talked about Darkstripe's parentage. This was because Darkstripe's other parent was a Shadowclan cat. Not just any Shadowclan cat. It was Raggedstar. That ironically made Darkstripe and Brokenstar half-brothers.

The only cat she outright lied to was Thistleclaw. Thistleclaw was a zealot through and through, but she had once comforted him after the loss of his mate. She convinced him that Darkstripe was his child during her pregnancy, but Thistleclaw did not claim her kit when he was born. His size was too small, and his mew was too soft. Willowpelt guarded her kit jealously. She feared Thistleclaw might kill the kit for not meeting his expectations or realizing the kit wasn't his. She taught him to fear the world because she feared one wrong pawstep would get her precious kit killed. She did not realize the harm she brought to her kit until later.

When Darkstripe was apprenticed, Willowpelt desperately wanted to get his mentor changed. She did not trust Tigerclaw because he was Thistleclaw's apprentice. Unfortunately, she feared the tom too much to help her kit. She saw him come back to camp bloody after training and how he ran himself into the ground, but she didn't say anything. She had failed him. She didn't have it in her to try to apologize or right her wrongs. The only thing she resolved herself to do was to do better next time.

Willowpelt's next kit, Greystripe, she taught that the world was safe. She did not want her new kit plagued by the paranoia and distrust she had inflicted on her first kit. She let him explore and learn on his own. Unfortunately, that was also a mistake. Greystripe had always been lax on his acceptance of the warrior code. He was kind and nice, but he didn't have Darkstripe's discipline when it came to following the code. The first obvious tell was when Fireheart was brought back to camp. The cat stank of kittypet and Greystripe had welcomed him without a hint of mistrust. Fireheart did turn out to be a boon for the clan, but Greystripe was extremely naive and broke rules frequently. Now her kit had run off to another clan for love. His loyalty had never been to Thunderclan. It had always been to his friends and loved ones. Why had her kit never loved her like she tried to for him. Maybe she'd let him be too free to the point of negligence.

Willowpelt looked at the camp again. Her remaining son was visible through the entrance of the medicine den. A feeling of guilt burned inside her. So much wrong had happened to her oldest kit, and she had let it happen. He had done many great things without her assistance and overcome many of his problems on his own. He held a strength she envied. If she had his strength of spirit, she would have never let Tigerclaw abuse her kit, but she didn't. She felt she was a coward at heart. A witness to her kits' greatness and failures. She could hardly call herself their mother.

She was going to resolve herself to better next time when Bluestar came in. Bluestar's paternal senses were tingling with how much Willowpelt was pacing about and stressing. The stress would do no good for her unborn kits.

"Bluestar! I haven't talked to you in a while."

Bluestar analyzed the pregnant queen watching her eyes which would occasionally flick towards the medicine den and Darkstripe. Bluestar read her easily.

"You're hurting yourself and your future kits right now. Why don't you tell me why you keep staring at 'my' kit."

Every cat knew something had gone on between Darkstripe and Bluestar since that reveal, but it still shocked Willowpelt that Bluestar claimed Darkstripe as her kit. Her ears dropped in sadness. Darkstripe deserved a better mother. She was about to turn away when Bluestar halted her.

"Don't turn away from me!" She spat with authority and venom.

Willowpelt froze. She could not retreat again now.

"Now. What has gotten you so worked up about Darkstripe?"

Willowpelt gave in. There was no use hiding how pathetic of a mother she was, how she never saved her kits from themselves, she let Darkstripe's mentor abuse him without a word. She felt truly pathetic.

"I have never been a good mother to him. I was so scared when he was a kit that he'd be killed. I have to admit my cowardice. Darkstripe's father is not of this clan, but I lied to protect him to Thisleclaw. I convinced him before Darkstripe was born that he was his. Then Darkstripe was born alone, weak, tiny, and something between a tom and a molly. Thistleclaw was not in his right mind. I feared he'd kill my only kit, so I became defensive. I taught my kit fear because I didn't trust the camp to protect my kit, but when he was apprenticed to Tigerclaw, I failed him. I let my fear make me silent. I knew Tigerclaw was abusing my kit but didn't know the extent. I just watched. I failed my second kit by trying to teach him the world was safe. He didn't follow the code closely and never saw the clan as his family first. I wish I could right my wrongs and fear my next kits will suffer for having an incompetent mother."

Willowpelt expected to be told off or rejected, but instead Bluestar pressed herself into Willowpelt's side.

"Its ok dear. We all make mistakes. We all failed him. Instead of replaying the past, you have to move forward. Do you know what he said to me when I was blaming myself? He said, 'There is an infinite number of things that could have been done differently, but we can only reflect and move on.' I think you should talk to him. It'll hurt. He'll probably be angry, but he needs to know you still loved him. You never wanted him to be hurt. You were just scared."

Willowpelt felt warm with Bluestar's support. Maybe that long time ago she should have trusted her clan. Maybe things could have been better for Darkstripe, but that didn't matter now. She had a duty to talk to Darkstripe and admit her failures. She made her way to the medicine den and began talking to Darkstripe. She admitted all her failures as a mother and how she let fear rule her. She apologized profusely for being a terrible mother. She expected Darkstripe to react violently or tell her off, but he instead just looked back sadly.

"I never thought I'd see the day you'd apologize. I always thought you had just given up on me and moved on. I thought you didn't love me anymore, so I tried to move on. I distanced myself from you and Greystripe because it hurt to think you didn't care, but I was wrong. I wish we had talked sooner. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Fireheart. I accept your apology because it means you know what you did wrong and aren't likely to do it again. I'm not sure I'll see you as a mother figure anymore, but I still want you to be a part of my life. I want to be there for my siblings and you. I just need some time."

With that Willowpelt left. Those old feelings of guilt no longer dragged behind her. She felt free. She felt herself rumbling with a deep purr she hadn't had in seasons. Whitestorm, her newest mate, must have noticed and came purring up to her.

"What's got you in a good mood?"

"I think I finally made up with Darkstripe."