Stacy rolled up the blinds as soon as she entered the dark apartment. Her daughter ran inside giggling with all her youthful energy. A stuffed tiger in her hands as she stepped closer to the sofa Sara had slept on the night before. When the sun began to make itself present in the suffocated apartment, a groan was heard from Sara's lips. Stacy looked back and saw her friend covering her eyes with the back of her hand.
"You're going to stay like this? Get up," Stacy ordered. She started picking up the glasses and plates on Sara's coffee table to take them to the kitchen.
Sara looked up with squinted eyes and saw Ella's innocent face right above her, smiling widely and cheerfully. She smiled in return and threw her arms in the air to receive Ella in a hug. The kid threw herself on Sara's body and leaned her head on Sara's shoulder. Sara laughed when Ella climbed up on top of her and rested her full tiny body above the blanket that was covering Sara's own body.
"How are you, little Tiger?" Sara asked in a hushed whisper. Ella laughed softly. She loved being called Tiger. She loved tigers. Tegan loved tigers as well, and loved being called that. Sara always remembered Tegan through Ella. "Doing good today?" Ella hummed with a laugh. Stacy reappeared again. She stood in front of Sara with hands on hips and a tough look on her face. "What now? What are you doing here?" Sara stroked Ella's hair.
"Childish behaviour again? Really? Till when?" Since Stacy had moved to Montreal just three days ago Sara hadn't stopped her miserable acts of feeling sorry for herself. Or since ever she gave that notebook to Tegan just five days ago and Tegan hadn't spoken to her since then. She ran away after class and never responded to her text messages. Sleeping on the couch and watching one film after another while keeping the apartment dirty was what Sara was punishing herself with.
"Leave me alone to my sadness. I like it this way." Stacy had been in Sara's apartment the previous night. She brought dinner and they ate and talked. Sara promised she was going to clean everything but Stacy didn't believe her. Stacy was told to leave so Sara could clean, but Sara didn't because she felt too sad to do so.
"Okay...but till when?" Stacy decided to come in the early morning and check on her friend. She saw what she expected, Sara asleep on the sofa and the apartment the same it had been the previous night. "You should be happy. You're healthy, don't waste it." Stacy was given a spare key when she came here. She took advantage of the access she had to Sara's apartment.
"Till I'm not sad anymore," Sara whispered.
The little girl lifted her head up again and looked at the professor. "Why are you sad, Sasa?" she asked.
"You call her auntie Sara, not Sasa. She's not your age." Sara rolled her eyes at her bossy friend. She whispered something to Ella her mother couldn't hear.
Ella turned around and said, "Shut up, mummy." She stuck her tongue out and Sara fell into mad exaggerated laughter, pointing at her scowling friend.
"Always going to be a kid." Stacy shook her head.
"At least not a bitter, bossy bitch," Sara shouted to her friend as the platinum-haired girl walked out of the living room with more trash from the night before in her hands.
"Your mouth, for God's sake," Stacy shouted back. She never liked it when Sara cursed in front of her daughter. Sara never listened and always said what she wanted to say.
"Do you know why I'm sad, Ella?" Ella shook her head. She sat up and straddled Sara. Sara sat up as well and yawned. "Because the girl I love won't be my wife."
"Ohhhh." Ella cupped her mouth as an indication of shock. Sara laughed at the child. "She's naughty."
"She is. She's very naughty." Even though Tegan was always mentioned since ever Sara had left her and moved in with Stacy, she still didn't expect the little girl to remember who she was. Yet that teddy bear always reminded her of Tegan. When Ella saw it standing still in Sara's room in this apartment, she ran to it and hugged it. She didn't ask Sara if it was Tegan's, however. Sara tried to teach Ella to pronounce the girl's name right, but the name was morphed from Tegub to Tegum, and never the accurate Tegan.
"You said you know her place. Go to her." Stacy came back with a glass of water in her hand and a pill from those ones Sara was swallowing for her hormone replacement.
"I can't take it with an empty stomach." Sara put the pill on the coffee table. Stacy took it away in case her daughter might get curious and swallow it like she had done the year before. She did not want a repeat of the fright they were in.
"I'll get you something to eat."
Sara put the little girl down and removed the blanket off her skin. She shivered a tad as the breeze hit her exposed legs. She was asleep in her underwear and a sleeveless shirt. She stood up and walked behind Stacy to the kitchen. Ella followed behind them. "I gave her the notebook and told her to take her time. I didn't expect her to ignore me. I mean, maybe she's taking her time, but I suppose she has read it...don't you think?"
Stacy turned around and shrugged. "Maybe." She opened the fridge and took two eggs out of it. "Does she know how sad she's making you?" Stacy said with a tone that indicated judgment and furry.
"Do you know how sad she might be now that she found out what her mother and I had agreed on?" Sara answered with the same tone except she was even more furious. Stacy shook her head in silence. "Okay...then don't judge." Stacy nodded as she waited for the oil in the pan to heat up. Sara felt stupid yelling like that at her friend. She just wanted to help. She was only in love with her. "How's work?"
"Work," Stacy answered dryly. Sara had asked her the same question the previous day.
Stacy began to worry her friend might be going into one of those clinical depressions. She heard a doctor say that depression was no good for a cancer patient or a cancer survivor. She felt the need to distract Sara away from her Tegan thoughts. She knew, though, that there was no way to do that. She wanted Sara to be happy. It's all she wanted. Sara being happy meant her being happy. She wanted them both to have the normal happy life she imagined them having since she was a little child. She had fantasies about herself and Sara. She'd be married and Sara too and they'd have kids. Their kids would be great friends. Sometimes, when their husbands would be away, she and Sara would sneak kisses and blush as they remembered their teenage days. She had that type of love for Sara, more platonic than sexual despite how sexual she had gotten with the woman. She just wanted to have a happy house, a happy marriage, a happy family, and a happy friend with her own happy house, marriage, and family. But her marriage was a failure and her kid was growing up without a father, without proper financial aid, and with a mother who was working at a hospital all day long instead of spending time with her. Her friend almost died many times, lost her marriage, her baby, her lover who she wouldn't stop chasing, and was always sad. She didn't want that. She wanted Sara to have something because if she did, that meant they could both have something. She thought she couldn't live happily without a husband but now she knew she could manage if Sara was happy. The key to Sara's own happiness was Tegan. Now she had another fantasy; Sara marrying Tegan and having a kid with her. Ella could be a great older sister or friend to the baby. She wanted that because it's her last chance of true happiness, a happiness built on someone else's happiness.
Ella came up from behind them with the human-size teddy bear in her hands. She was struggling to balance herself or the bear. Sara laughed and walked up to her. She put the bear on a chair and picked up Ella and put her on another. She sat on the third one. "I'd give it to you if it was mine." Stacy looked back to see the scene. She smiled just a little but turned her head back to watch the omelet she had in the pan.
"It is not yours?" Ella asked. Her blue eyes were wide and beautiful.
"No." Sara shook her head. "It's Tegan's." Ella covered her mouth again and Sara nodded.
"Tegum's?" Sara nodded again. "Where is she?" Ella looked around as if the name of the girl the kid was told about but never remembered had suddenly found a body and the body was somewhere around the house. Ella didn't remember Tegan. She didn't know who that was. But Sara always mentioned her and so Tegan was a person in Ella's head. A person just like her. Some little girl who liked stuffed animals and had a tiny ponytail or a pigtail hairstyle. A girl who wore dresses and was always with her mother. And the mother was Sara in the little picture Ella drew in her head.
"She's not here." Sara frowned. "That's why I'm sad."
"Ohhh." Ella didn't get it. She felt helpless.
Stacy looked back again and a devious smirk was painted on her face. She found it. She found the way to end this misery and make Sara happy. She had to do it. She didn't care how much it was going to cost her and who would get angry but she had to do it.
Tegan rubbed her left temple for what seemed to be the tenth time in the past two seconds as she focused on each word. She was tired of sobbing but she couldn't stop. She couldn't make sense of what she was reading, seeing, looking at, or feeling. Sara Clement loved her in every form a human could love someone. She loved her while asleep, while crying, while in pain, while complaining, while naked, while dressed, while she was away, while she was near, while she was angry, or too quiet. It was written right there. Sara never understood her and she was dying to understand her. Sara was scared of her eyes the way she was still scared of Sara's golden ones. Sara described their sexual intimacy in details she felt too coy to reread after the first time. She described what it felt being inside her. She painted a picture that narrated how warm, wet, and tight her walls were inside and how Sara's fingers slid gently but without much ease in her "rosy entrance." And when Sara tired to pull she couldn't do it easily because she didn't want to hurt her even the slightest. She wanted to keep going and push and stroke the depths that her sex was hiding. She wanted to stay there for hours until Tegan was finally dry and pain was emerging, then she'd pull out, then she'd kiss where her fingers had been and say sorry if she did cause pain. But she never did because she never got the chance to do that. The image was twisted, but Tegan loved it. Sara described the shade of her nipples and how her lips were magnetized to their hardness. Sara gave an image to her taste, it's a taste, how could someone give an image to someone's fluids? "Even though she made me imagine it as the taste of peaches, I cannot deny that the first ever touch between the juice and my tongue is always, always too heady and strong that I must close my eyes to absorb it. Then comes a type of saltiness as that of the calm sea. With more savouring, the gooey sweetness as that of the naked stars in a summer's evening hits my taste buds till my eyes roll to the back of my head and the hair on my skin rises, my nipples promptly wake up if they are asleep, and my clit screams so loud for a touch that I have to surfeit its hunger with a hump to anything that's beside me. As if I can fool that tiny helpless part of my body with meaningless thrusts. At the end, only at the end, I do truly taste peaches because it's the fruit of life, and the last taste of her when she comes, is the nectar that gives me life." Yes, Sara loved her to this degree.
Sara left her because she was told if she truly loved her she should leave. Goddamn it, that love, it was that love she was searching for. It was the great fairytale love she never thought would ever cross her way. Sara loved her more. Sara made her a queen in that kingdom inside that notebook. How was she to look into Sara's eyes anymore? How was she going to speak to her mother after that? How was she going to think of anything anymore? How was her heart going to give her excuses not to return to Sara?
But there was still that one damn excuse. One stupid excuse, she didn't want to go back to Sara because Sara might be gone after two months. Sara might get ill and die, and after that love was exposed Tegan couldn't bear losing Sara.
Death's the only truthfulness about life, that was a fact. It's a fact nobody could deny. It was the law of life. Cursed death, it always haunted vibrant souls. But why did it have to haunt so soon? And Sara was still a ripe prey for death. Sara was one of the endangered species. There was no second version of her in this world, Tegan was sure. And her sickness might attack with full force at anytime. She could be with Sara and wake up again without Sara.
There was for sure the little trivial parts that she and Sara needed to speak of, the fact that Sara looked at her as "A child whom I laugh at when she gets mad" and "A baby, she's a baby. Her anger is like a baby's. You don't get angry when babies cry and break things, you don't take them seriously. You laugh at them. They make you smile and cheery. She's just like that."
And the fact that Sara hid many things from her."I hide because I love her. I can't break the picture of perfection that she sees through her eyes. She's a child, I can't give her an image of the real world. I hide because it's necessay for now. I hide because she still thinks I am a woman capable of anything even moving mountains. I hide because she still cries when I give her an advice and she thinks I'm scolding her because I solely desire it. I hide because she doesn't know and won't understand and it won't hurt her not knowing. I hide because it's better to have a perfect picture of me inside of her. Because I love when she fears me and I love that she doesn't know how much I fear her."
Tegan hated that since ever, being treated as a child and not being told what Sara was going through or feeling. These things stood in their way and they needed to discuss them, but again, they were not as serious as Mr. Death. He was a wild one. He was an angry hermit. He was bigger than them. He was the only one they couldn't stand against or kill no matter what.
"She's really...poetic," Jermey said. That's another point she and Sara needed to discuss. The exaggeration in the melodramatic use of language was quite unnecessary. Tegan loved it, but that was for flirting only. Marriage? Something so serious and grave, something she didn't believe in? That needed serious talk, not poetic use of words that showed romanticized anguish.
Jeremy wasn't supposed to get his hands on that notebook. Nobody was supposed to do that. But when he begged and pleaded to read parts of it, Tegan couldn't say no. She hated that about herself, she never said no to those whom she loved. How did one say no? How did one refuse or reject without hurting the other?
Sara also disliked a trait she had just practiced, telling or showing her friends everything that went between them. "My life is my own box of secrets. If I choose to share it with Tegan it's because I love her more than I love hiding those secrets. But then I discover Tegan had informed her friends and all those who know about us things I never wanted to get out. She can't understand the concept of privacy. When two people have their own secrets, they do not go tell everyone about them. I never tell Stacy about our quarrels or what she likes to receive when we are sexually engaged or any private issue she didn't want anybody but me to discover. Of course I do hide important matters when I can't be sure she will keep them inside." And back to the hiding issue. Perhaps she played a role in that part. Yes, she probably did. It's hard to admit it but maybe now she could admit it. She wanted to fix their relationship and be happy as well, she was scared but she wished to have Sara back, therefore she had to begin with removing her faults first.
"Was she like that all the time? Poems and formal words and strange use of English? I feel like I'm reading Shakespeare but with a modern sense," Jeremy said again.
"Kind of." They were both sitting cross-legged on the bed they were still sharing. Their knees were touching and the notebook was on her friend's lap. He still didn't call the girl. He still welcomed Tegan home. The only touches they shared were small hugs and fast kisses on both cheeks. Sometimes she woke up cuddled up to him. She'd feel the hardness on her bum and would swiftly move away without making her friend feel embarrassed about it. She felt guilty after it but that part of her that always sought to be desired felt satisfied that she was still able to turn him on no matter who she loved and who he had an eye on. "She had a dirty mouth though. She cursed a lot," Tegan finally spoke again.
"And a very dirty mind." Jeremy squinted at words Tegan couldn't see. "Wow...that's...too much..." He looked at his friend up and down. His eyes glowed in hints of lust.
"What are you reading?" Tegan stretched her arms in order to reach for the notebook.
"Beneath the dark curls there was a very tiny, yet insanely swollen, bud," Jeremy read. "Of course I didn't see well because she insisted the lights were off but I can confirm that her clit was about to burst if my mouth wouldn't wet it. The two soft and small inner lips, and I happened to discover this morning are dark pink, leaning towards a purplish hue, enfolded the clit. More hair covered the outside parts. The darkness had its own sacredness. Her bashfulness and carefulness made it seem as if we were performing sacred acts. It makes me feel so exposed to declare so honestly that she truly has..." Jeremy paused. He looked up at Tegan and continued, "A pretty pussy."
Two circles of deep redness were on each side of her cheeks. Her heart drummed against her chest and her mouth had went dry. Jeremy's face was flushed as well. He was too shocked to be reading this out loud and not being able to stop. Why couldn't he stop? He'd seen his friend naked and touched her and saw all that Sara had described. Yet they never spoke about it, or talked about it, or joked about it, or made comments about each other's bodies. He remembered only one time telling Tegan her breasts had awfully decreased in size and never did it again when he felt the discomfort. She only mouthed how good he felt inside of her a few times, and she was mostly wasted by intoxicating lust. He never commented on the hair on her mound or how wet she was or how it felt to be inside of her. It was a secret act, not sacred, not special.
"Uh...I...she likes details." Tegan was finally able to swallow.
"It's fine. She's just so descriptive." A nervous chuckle escaped his lips. When he skipped to another page, he saw a drawing of the nude form of his friend. He looked at each part and saw the description Sara had given her in words then connected it to the picture. "She's very sexual."
"She is."
"She really loves you."
"She does," Tegan confirmed it loudly for the first time.
"Why are you still here?"
"I'm scared." Before Jeremy could speak, she continued, "I told you why." He nodded.
"What about your mum? What are you gonna do about that?" Jeremy asked.
Tegan shrugged at first, but then she said, "I know she loves me but I don't appreciate what she did." Jeremy nodded again. "If I decide to go back and she steps in the way, the hell with her, honestly. She can't have a saying. It's my life and I'm the one who will get hurt or not."
"I'm sorry." Jeremy handed the notebook back to Tegan.
"For?"
"What I did years ago," he said. "For calling your mother and causing this problem. I was jealous. I was worried and selfish. I didn't know she loved you this much."
"But you knew how much I loved her." He nodded. "It takes two to form a unity. It takes two not one, don't you forget that."
"You're starting to speak like her. I don't understand these vague sentences," Jeremy complained.
"You may love me, but you do not understand love." Maybe Tegan was speaking like Sara, but she was clear and he was destined to understand.
"I don't understand you."
"Because I'm not the one for you," Tegan gave him the answer loud and clear.
He should have seen it from the start. But he's happy, he's happy he was able to feel her body intertwined with his and know what it's like to be inside of her fully. Sara would never know that, he thought. But he was able to know it and he was happy and proud and a bit ashamed of himself and the fact he was happy and proud. He even got to release inside of her once. He knew she loved it. He knew she wanted to feel it again if it wasn't for the scare they both had after that. He wanted to tell her to go on the pill but he never wanted to interfere in her life and her choices. Sara would never be able to come inside of her. Tegan could never feel that feeling again. He had his man pride remembering that moment, these different moments when he felt too much and she felt nothing. Yet, after all that, Sara was still the winner and he was nothing. So there was really no reason for him to be happy and proud and every reason he had was a repulsive sexist one. He knew that. He knew it too well.
Sara hated weekends because they reminded her of how lonely she was. But with Stacy around, weekends were better because they were able to be lonely together while little Ella played with her stuffed animals or ran around the place. The feeling of domesticity was what Sara liked and wanted around. While her head rested on Stacy's lap as she watched the movie on the screen, she closed her eyes and imagined it's Tegan whose lap her head was on. She imagined it was their child running around. She also imagined it was just a calm, relaxed weekend, she cooked in the morning, and now they were relaxing in the evening, and after that they'd have gentle or rough sex at night when their kid went to sleep.
When Sara opened her eyes she saw Stacy knitting above her. She saw the wrinkles lining the corners of her lips and under her eyes. She saw fear, she saw tiredness, she saw sorrow. She also saw killer routine and loss of life. She frowned and pulled the piece of wool from her friend's hands.
Sara sat up and looked at her friend. "This will hurt your eyes. Knitting isn't good for you."
"Why?" Stacy asked, "I waste my time with it."
"Exactly," Sara said. "They used to give it to women back in the early centuries to distract them from doing useful things. You've got a brain and good looks, what are you doing here knitting useless stuff?"
"I was knitting you a beanie." Stacy glared.
"I can buy a dozen." That sounded harsh after Sara said it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." she apologized after. "Look, Stace, I just think that you need to get out. Take care of yourself and have fun. You didn't have time before but now you do because Ella is safe here with me."
"Oh, no." Stacy chortled as if it was the most amusing thing ever. "I can't leave Ella and have fun. I can't allow myself that. I'm not like that, you know me." Sara did know her. Stacy always made sure those she cared about were happy and satisfied before she remembered her own self. Most of the times she never did.
"That's not healthy," Sara said that in a louder tone, it made Ella look at them. "Don't you want to date? Have a relationship?" she whispered these questions, however. Stacy shook her head. "When was the last time you've had sex?" Sara said that in the lowest tone she had.
"I don't want to date. I don't want a relationship. I don't want a strange man to enter Ella's life. I don't want all that. I'm happy like that." Stacy shrugged. "And...I don't remember...but it was years ago." It was years ago also for Sara, so she didn't really find it strange. She didn't want to go in depth with her curiosity and ask if her friend touched herself or not. Of course she did, who didn't if they didn't have sex? But the line stood at that with her friend. It was better this way, better than crossing boundaries.
"I'm worried about you," Sara said instead.
"I'm actually worried about you," Stacy said. "I don't like this whole...depressed Sara. It scares me." Sara frowned. "I hope you get what you want so you can be happy Sara again."
"I hope so." But Sara was not that hopeful, she was a pessimist and it was against her will. She couldn't change it after all that she'd been through.
"Are things still heated between you and your mum? She really cried a lot when I said goodbye to her." Stacy informed her that already. She told her about how her mother cried and made Stacy promise she'd take care of Sara. She told her about how regretful her mother felt.
"I called her." Sara did because she promised she'd call her mother. When she called, her mother cried. She mouthed too many apologies. She kept saying she loved her. "It's better now." Sara cried too because it was hard hearing her mother cry this much just to get her forgiveness. Tension was still there, but yes, it was better.
"That's good," Stacy said and Sara nodded.
On Monday, Stacy was determined to do what she thought of doing. It was a good idea when she thought of it. It would make Sara happy if she succeeded. But she was scared she wouldn't succeed because Tegan didn't like her. She didn't know why Tegan didn't like her but it wasn't new to her. Nobody liked her much. Everybody hated how bitchy she seemed. She wasn't bitchy, she was just extremely defensive and irritatingly talkative, two habits she couldn't let go of. But she wasn't bitchy. She took care of things, she did her job, she cried alone when nobody saw her, she became jealous but never showed it, she loved in utter silence, but mostly, she cared a lot and took care of those she cared for.
Her heart pounded against her chest when she knocked on the door. Ella was at Sara's and she was just out of work. She worried where Ella would stay after she returned from kindergarten. But she was lucky enough to have Sara, whose job ended early, which made her offer to pick up the child and babysit her till Stacy finished at five. She was also lucky that her shift was from seven in the morning to five. Some of the people there worked more than that. Some worked at midnight. She couldn't do that. She needed to relax and rest and take care of her kid.
When the door was opened, her random thoughts went away as she remembered the beating inside her chest. Tegan appeared at the door. A very pale, a very exhausted-looking, a very petite and small Tegan appeared. Her hair messy and in a small ponytail, her white tank-top transparent revealing an emerald green bra under, and her pajama shorts were very short, black, and exposed her skinny, bony, scrawny, and frail legs. When Sara described how she had become, Stacy didn't believe it, but now she could see it, and it did frighten her.
Tegan was more than shocked. She was confused, confounded, and awfully bewildered. Despite the change of hair-colour (which Tegan did not understand nor like) and despite the apparent aging and the baggy work attire, she was still able to know it's Stacy from the first glance after she opened the door. What was the woman doing there? Tegan tried to look if Sara was behind, or someone else. There was nobody, only Stacy, in her unflattering, blue scrubs, a large parka, and her silver hair. First thing came up to her mind, Stacy was still pretty, and she was still jealous of her.
"Can I come in?" Stacy asked. It felt as if they had been standing there for too long but it had only been five seconds.
"Uh...What do you want?" Tegan did not want to be rude, but she did not want any messenger or envoy from Sara to woo her.
"I want to speak with you," Stacy said formally. "Sara doesn't know I'm here," then she said gently.
Tegan rolled her eyes as she held the door open. "If I hurt Sara again you will murder me at night with your sharp knife that you keep under your pillow, and if I'll be with Sara you'll be watching closely like a hawk and controlling our lives because you can. Yes, I know the scenario."
Stacy was trying to be patient. She bit her lower lip and smiled to force her tongue not to mouth the loud 'you're a fucking bitch' that was twirling in there. "That's not true," she said instead. She swallowed then said again, "I just want peace...I want to make things clear."
"You know what? I'm too tired to stand, I might faint at any moment, my ice is going to be warm water because of you, and I'm not that rude...so come in."
Tegan hadn't slept well since that day she received the notebook. She wasn't able to sleep. She went over line after the other and read Sara's sayings and Sara's quotes from different works. "My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me. / Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak. / What are you thinking of? What thinking? What? / I never know what you are thinking. Think." She reread this particular T. S. Eliot's quote. Why? Because an entire banter about her was written right under. Not only that, but also a small drawing of her. Sara complained about her silence. Tegan didn't remember she was that quiet, but perhaps she was. Perhaps she hurt Sara with that.
Stacy came in to a tidy apartment. It was small, but neat. Apparently the Jeremy Sara had mentioned with scorn wasn't around. She sat on the sofa and looked at the glass full of ice on the coffee table. Tegan asked her if she wanted something to drink, she didn't want anything, so Tegan sat cross-legged next to her. She faced her, leaving a generous space between them, however. Stacy took out the pack of cigarettes out of her pocket then took off her parka. She put it next to her while Tegan watched closely.
"A nurse." Tegan hummed. "I didn't know you were a useful fellow to this community." Stacy wanted to scream 'bitch' once again. But she didn't...once again. "How the fuck do you know where I stay?"
Tegan reached for her cup and picked a cube with her fingers, putting it in her mouth.
"Sara showed me around the town and of course where you live was included." Sara was obsessed, Stacy thought. But everybody was obsessed when it came to love.
The crunching sound was bothering Stacy. Tegan was chewing ice as if it's some kind of food. "Uh...can I smoke a cigarette?" Stacy asked.
"Go ahead," Tegan said while trying to put up with the chilliness of the ice in her mouth. "Isn't that creepy for Sara to show you where I live?"
"What do you think of a person who's madly in love they don't shut up speaking about you? Be happy and proud." Stacy lit up her cigarette and offered one to Tegan.
"No, thanks," Tegan rejected it. "I quit smoking a year ago."
"Sara's gonna be happy about that." Stacy thought of warning Sara that her lover's health was not great at all. Sara was having her hopes up she'd start a family with Tegan. Tegan wouldn't even be able to carry a child in this shape. "You have serious anemia. You're eating ice as if it's some kind of a meal," Stacy commented as Tegan crushed another cube with her teeth.
"I know." Tegan felt her throat sting. "Why are you here?" Stacy was supposed to say what she was there for already.
"Alright, so you remember my daughter Ella?" Tegan nodded with a smile...for the first time since Stacy came in. "It's her birthday tomorrow." Tegan nodded again. "Yes, so I just moved here and I know nobody but Sara, and Ella still kind of remembers you because Sara hasn't shut up about you. I'm making a little birthday for her at Sara's...and you should come." She closed her eyes in comfort as she finally let it all out.
"Okay, wait a minute." Tegan put the glass back on the coffee table and shifted in her seat. "It's magically Ella's birthday and I remember you coming here two years ago at about this time and it wasn't her birthday. And you're doing it at Sara's place because? And you're inviting me even though you hate me? Sara sent you, didn't she?"
"No. It is Ella's birthday," Stacy answered defensively. It was actually her daughter's birthday. "She's turning four tomorrow. I came in late February, not early." Stacy paused. "I don't hate you," she said defensively again. "I'm just overprotective. I want you to be with Sara, that's why I'm inviting you. She's depressed and depression is not good and you're not even giving her one single chance. It's childish of me to come here and invite you and beg but I want Sara to be happy." Stacy finished her cigarette and stood up. "And Sara's the one who wanted to do it at her place because it's bigger than the fucking room and kitchen I'm living in." Stacy was angry. She felt misunderstood.
Tegan stood up as well. The immediate action she took made her head spin right away. She took a hold of Stacy's arm. Stacy thought it's Tegan begging her to stay, but Tegan was searching for support. Tegan blinked, then blinked again until she was able to breathe normally and gain her balance back. Then Stacy realized that Tegan was indeed in bad health.
"Sara loves you. She really loves you and you know that. Just come tomorrow and try to talk. Please." She hated pleading, but she did.
"Why do you want it so bad?"
"She's the one I knew since we were in diapers. I can't be okay if she's not." Stacy chuckled. "You don't even get it." She walked to the door.
"You're in love with her, I know."
"I'm her best friend. I'm like a sister," Stacy didn't deny but didn't confirm. "What's stopping you?"
"Many things that she and I need to talk about."
"Then do," Stacy shouted.
"Don't yell at me," Tegan said sternly.
Stacy sighed. "I'm sorry." She opened the door.
"Wait...what's her address?" Stacy turned around with a smile that made her look ten years younger than she was.
When Stacy returned to Sara's, she found the woman in her undergarments walking around the place. "Why are you half naked? Where's Ella?"
Sara had been exercising. Her skin was sweaty. Her chest was what attracted Stacy the most. She didn't look more than a second, but she was able to notice the generous amount of cleavage glistening in glowing sweat. It made her remember those days she was able to touch Sara. She shook the memory away as soon as it popped up in her head because the thoughts of her daughter not being around worried her the most.
"Ella's asleep. I bathed her, dried her hair, we ate together, and then I put her to sleep." Stacy sighed in content, for a second she thought Sara had forgotten to pick her daughter up. "I was working out. Now I was supposed to shower, but I didn't know if I should leave Ella alone or..."
"No. Don't even leave her alone and shower. She's evil." Stacy sat on the sofa.
"She was pretty easy to handle." Sara shrugged. She didn't want to sit on her sofa and stain it with her perspiration.
"Good for you," Stacy answered.
"What's wrong with you? You've been awfully quiet these past two days." Stacy shook her head. "Are you okay?"
"Haven't been getting enough sleep. How's work?" Stacy quickly changed the subject.
"Tegan still didn't talk to me today. She participates and smiles but doesn't stay to speak." Maybe it was time she called her.
"Oh?" Stacy smiled against her will. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I'm going to wait till tomorrow, if she didn't I'm gonna chase more." Sara sighed.
"Oh, ya...about tomorrow." Stacy stood up. "Don't invite any stranger, please."
"I didn't invite anybody...but I was thinking of inviting Dr. Austin. She's a professor with me and she has kids_"
"No, no," Stacy shouted loudly.
"Why?" Sara frowned.
"Please, Sara, no. I'm...I can't deal with anybody and with kids right now. Please, understand." Sara nodded. "Just these days...the whole moving out thing...I need time." Sara understood. She always did understand when someone wanted to be alone and isolated.
"Okay, buddy." Stacy adored when Sara called her that. She always did when they were teenagers. "I'm going to shower quickly and drive you and Ella home. Help yourself with a beer or something."
Jeremy burst out in laughter that he felt his beer was going to come out of his nose as his friend stood in front of him mocking every word the woman she had as guest had said.
"We knew each other since we were in diapers," the way Tegan said it was hilarious, she thickened her tone and softened her posture and made faces. "She's my best friend, she's like my sister." Then Tegan made eerie facial expressions, sticking her tongue out and making weird and funny noises which made her friend laugh more.
"Oh my God, Tee." Jeremy chortled. "You're something."
Tegan giggled and jumped on the sofa next to him. She reached for her beer and sipped.
"She fucking annoys me even when she tries to be nice," Tegan said.
"But are you gonna go?" Jeremy asked in a serious tone.
"I guess." Tegan shrugged. "I have to buy something for Ella. What do you get a four year old? God, I hate kids...but Ella's cute...I hope she's still that way."
"I don't know? A toy?" Jeremy offered.
"A stuffed dildo." Jeremy and Tegan both laughed in mannerless loudness. "No, seriously," Tegan said after calming down, "I think I'm gonna get her a stuffed something." Tegan sighed as she rested her head on Jeremy's lap. "Put me to sleep."
"You're wasted." Tegan hummed. "You're pretty." She giggled.
Jeremy wanted to kiss her. He wanted to touch her. In that state, it was easy to sleep with her, but he was never one of those men.
The next morning Sara taught them how to express their truthful emotions in subtle ways in poetry. She gave them examples from known poems in literature. Sara was clad in pants that made her hips look like the heaven Tegan was searching for. Tegan was light-headed and dizzy, she was staring too hard and having images of her head between those thighs while cupping them both in her hands. It's been too long since she had done that. She missed it.
Sara noticed Tegan's stares and anxiously looked down to see if there was something on her pants. She thought her pants was unzipped that she had to check quickly while facing the board. Then she thought some stain was there. For a moment she thought she was bleeding and Tegan was trying to make her aware of it but she knew she wasn't because she could feel when she bled. Then she realized Tegan was lost in daydreams when everybody left but her still sitting there.
"Finally?" When Sara spoke, Tegan snapped out of her lewd thoughts. "Wow." Sara shook her head with a chuckle.
"I'm dizzy," Tegan said.
"Can...we...umm..."
Tegan finally stood up. She yawned and wore her backpack. "Talk?" Sara nodded. "Very soon." Sara didn't understand. "Just let me...uh, not be dizzy." Tegan was testing if Sara knew she was coming to her place today, Sara didn't. "I promise you."
Tegan left.
Sara first opened the door to Stacy and Ella. They exchanged hugs and kisses on cheeks. Stacy looked at Sara's attire and found her still in her pajamas.
"What are you wearing? Go change." Stacy worried Tegan might be here and Sara was still in her pajamas.
"Why? You said you want something calm."
They walked to the living room. A cake on the coffee table and sandwiches that Sara had prepared. Two wine glasses and a juice box.
"Just go change. Please." Stacy pushed Sara to her room. "Make Ella feel as if it's a good birthday," Stacy whispered.
The friend opened Sara's closet and fished out the first thing she saw, just a grey V-neck shirt and washed-out blue jeans. Sara sighed and took off what she was wearing and put on what Stacy handed her quickly.
"Please take off this stupid bra you're wearing and wear a good one," Stacy ordered after looking at Sara's chest.
Sara looked down at her chest then shrugged. "I'm comfortable." Stacy threw a padded bra at Sara and the latter sighed in anger. Ella giggled as she sat on Sara's mattress. "Your mum is annoying." Sara turned around and unhooked the small thin bra that did not even do much to support her breasts and put on the one Stacy handed her. She put on the shirt again and turned around, waiting for more orders.
"Now I need to take care of your hair and put a little something on your face."
"All for Ms. Ella." Sara shook her head with a smile.
The doorbell rang right after Stacy was done making Sara look presentable to expect guests. Sara feared Stacy had invited people over when she started changing how she looked. Sara always appeared to her friend in a disheveled way and the friend didn't mind, so why now? When she heard the doorbell ringing, she was sure Stacy had done the nasty deed and invited someone over.
When she opened the door and saw who she saw, her heart became at the level of her feet and her smile hurt her entire face. The student couldn't help but smile as well. How was she to resist such a warm smile? It was Sara's smile. She was at Sara's place.
"Come in, come in," Sara said nervously.
"Stacy invited me," Tegan said as she walked inside.
"I didn't know." Sara was in shock...in a happy shock.
"I know," Tegan said.
Stacy smiled when she saw Tegan in the living room and Sara's smile as bright as it had been when the girl was young and happy.
"That's why you didn't...and you..." Sara cupped her mouth like a child and blushed. Stacy nodded.
Ella pointed at the student. "It's Tegum." Her eyes were dilated and her smile was big. "Sasa, look, it's Tegum."
Tegan looked at the child. She was still innocent little Ella, just taller, hair longer, and older. She smiled at the kid who was walking towards her.
"Your name is Tegum now," Sara said. Sara was so happy, Tegan was able to see it.
Ella hugged Tegan's legs.
"Hey, El," Tegan said as she knelt down at the girl's level. "Happy birthday." She gave her a real hug. Sara watched with joy that was not to be measured. "I've got you a little something and I hope you'll like it." Ella kissed Tegan's cheek and blushed, covering her eyes. "Oh." Tegan laughed. Both older women did too.
Ella did not leave Tegan one single moment the entire time. She really did think her friend or girlfriend or just someone she loved was there for her. She really did think that Sara was Tegan's mother and now they were all happy again. She wanted to play with Tegan but Sara was getting irritated. Ella even rejected the idea that Tegan was getting wine and herself juice. She gave Tegan a box of juice, and when Tegan put it down, Ella gave it to her again. Tegan added the juice to her wine glass and Ella cried for a glass for herself with the same substance as Tegan. Ella sat where Tegan sat, she rolled up her sleeves to have short sleeves like Tegan and let down her hair to have a hair like Tegan's.
Sara noticed the tattoos on Tegan's arms. Tegan noticed the small cleavage that Sara showed. Sara noticed how frail and pale Tegan had gotten. Tegan noticed how voluptuous and curvy Sara had become. They both stared secretly and in silence and weren't able to speak because if Ella didn't demand attention, her mother did.
"And, like, can you believe it?" Stacy was going on about a story at work. Tegan and Sara were listening while not listening. They just wanted to be alone but none of them did any move. Ella was whining with an annoying whiny voice. She was sleepy and tired and annoying as a kid could be. "How can he even look at me? Me." Sara shook her head. "Right? His hair, like, oh my God. If you see his hair you'd puke." Tegan nodded. "And he chased me. He friking chased me." Ella walked up to her mother. "And now he's texting thinking I'd be with someone that looks like him." She made whiny voices while moving around, tugging at her mother's pants. "Shush, kid."
"I have to pee," Ella complained.
"Ya, ya, wait." Tegan looked at Sara and they understood the look each gave to the other. It was like those beautiful times. "Yes, so back to the dude. So I was sitting and he sat next to me again even though I'm so cold to him."
"I have to pee." Ella was crying.
"Why can't guys just understand that I'm not interested?"
"Take me to the bathroom."
"Should I tell him I'm a lesbian to get him off my back?"
"Your daughter has to pee for fuck's sake," Sara shouted loudly.
"Oh...Oh...Oh my God. Let's go, let's go. Run." Stacy stood up at once, telling her daughter to run to the bathroom. "Shit, why do I talk a lot?"
"I wish I knew," Tegan mumbled as Stacy walked out, following her daughter.
Sara seized the moment and pulled the hands of the girl she loved and ran with her to the bedroom. They both giggled like young kids as Sara closed and locked the door.
When Sara turned around, she found Tegan staring at the giant teddy bear. "Oh my God." Tegan gasped. "Angel." She walked up the the stuffed animal and hugged it. "You still have it."
Sara walked up behind her. Tegan turned around and found the woman smiling. She missed and loved her. So damn much.
"Stay with me," Sara pleaded gently.
"I want to."
"But?"
"We need to talk about things first."
"Then let's do that."
"Alone," Tegan said. Sara nodded.
"Can I hug you?"
Tegan hesitated, she didn't want things to go farther, but she wanted it, so she accepted it. Sara hugged her. It was a beautiful hug. It was a wonderful hug. She took in Sara's natural scent. Images ran inside her skull of the times their bodies hugged. She felt Sara's chest on hers and touched Sara's skin.
But then Sara kissed her cheek and Tegan could die from happiness because it reminded her of that time she first stayed at Sara's.
"I love you so much," Tegan finally said. She was crying.
"I love you too."
"You're crying," Tegan pointed out with a giggle accompanying a sob.
"You too." Sara laughed and cried as well.
But that was it. They didn't do more nor talk more because Jeremy picked Tegan up and Sara felt jealous and lonely again. Stacy felt stupid and empty and Ella fell asleep.
But the next day Tegan knocked on Sara's door. Things were progressing, things were moving. She wasn't going to torture and tease. She was going to move the way the tide altered its direction.
Sara was happy to see her. She made her coffee and locked the office's door and they sat in front of each other.
"At first, I'd like to apologize to your plant," Tegan said. Sara laughed.
"It forgives you. It always does."
"Second...I want to be with you, but..."
"But?" Sara was waiting. She was taking one sip after the other.
"You treat me like a child and I don't like it."
"You are a child to me even if you were older than me." Sara wasn't going to force maturity on Tegan's innocent soul.
Tegan frowned.
"You hit a plant when you were angry at me. You chewed a glass full of ice at my place yesterday then announced you had a brain-freeze with a loud giggle. You played with Ella more than talking to me. You smile as if you're the sun herself and cry as if you're a kid deprived of her toy. You speak so innocently, you tease me, you bitch at me, and make me chase you even though you still want me. How can I not look at you as a little innocent child? Because if I didn't do that I wouldn't be still here chasing and pleading, my patience would have run out a long time ago." Tegan was crying, she was heavily weeping. "I love you, Tegan. You're always going to be my baby." Tegan nodded.
"You hide things from me thinking I won't understand them. You always did and it left me feeling as if you didn't trust me."
"Because you told your friends. You were always quiet with your feelings. And I didn't want to hurt you. I really didn't."
"But that's how love should be. Two people telling each other everything. Those who love each other support each other. I wasn't going to leave you at all. I love you, you know." Sara nodded. She was tearing up. "Why can't you understand that in pain love should be stronger and support must happen? If I was the one dealing with all these hardships would you have left me?"
"No," Sara said without even thinking about it. "No."
"And I wouldn't have. I would have stayed with you till you've gotten better."
"What if I haven't? What if I have died?" Sara asked.
"What do you think is scaring me the most and not making me just throw myself at you and kiss the hell out of you?" Tegan choked on a sob that tried to force its suppressed anguish out. "I'm scared I get back to you and I wake up one day and you're gone. I can't get so used to you again and it happens again. I really can't."
Sara couldn't answer that. She didn't have an answer. She only had tears and hopes.
"I guess then there's nothing I can do. I might get sick again. I might die. I can't promise that my life is a good ride...not anymore." Sara wiped her falling tears. "I can only hope you'd think of me loving you and accept living for today and not for tomorrow."
"I'm...I need to think about everything." Sara nodded. "I have a test in a few." She looked at the time on her phone. "I'll get back to you."
"When?" Sara didn't like how Tegan left her hanging.
"I don't know. Just let me think."
Sara hated that. If Tegan loved her, she wouldn't be selfish to think of it. She understood Tegan's point but death was just a natural thing. Tegan was preaching about not leaving a lover and now she left her because she was scared of her dying.
Tegan, on the other hand, she was simply very tired and not feeling well when she spoke those words. The truth was she went out to empty the contents of her stomach as she had been doing the past week.
She went back home and packed her suitcase. She reached for Jeremy's and added the rest of her stuff but she couldn't do it all because she fell on the floor and lost her consciousness. Jeremy took her to the hospital because when he returned she was still lying there. It was a quick day she couldn't remember well but it was still one of the slowest days. Her left arm was wounded from the many attempts to find the right vein for the intravenous fluid replacement. The doctors assured her friend it was only lack of hydration and nutrition and she could be home within few hours.
That night she felt so helpless and tired and unable to think straight. She looked at the suitcases and wanted to get out and go to the house she visited the day before. She wanted to sleep on Sara's mattress, hold Sara and the teddy bear. She wondered what Sara was doing.
She cried on her pillow all night till Jeremy switched on the light and sat on the mattress.
"What do you want? I don't know what to do anymore. I just want you to be happy. I feel like you keep getting worse." Tegan heard his doleful tone. She couldn't take it anymore.
"I want to go to Sara," Tegan said while crying.
It was time.
"Right now," she said again.
It was time.