Sara was glad it was Thursday, which meant at 11:00 she'd be done with her classes, and instead of sitting in her office for another hour, she'd hurry back to Tegan. Oh, how sweet that sounded inside her head. Despite the troubled sleep, she woke up like a butterfly in the spring sky. She grinned upon seeing her lover in her bed, asleep so peacefully and calmly. And just like old times, Sara made her student's arms wrap around that stuffed animal that, admittedly, she did hold while asleep for the past two years. It felt good to smell the remnants of Tegan's childhood on that fluffy bear.
All these morning rituals she had to do did not annoy her like they did each day; stretching; yawning; walking to the bathroom; looking at her face in the mirror; fixing how she looked and checking if there was anything unusual in her body or the insides of it. Then she walked quietly to the kitchen and prepared herself a cup of coffee. She opened the television in the living room and watched the news in the lowest volume she could hear.
She wanted to call Stacy, she wanted to tell Stacy everything. She was so happy. Nobody could take that happiness away. Even when her mother was calling her, she wouldn't be able to take any happiness away with any absurd word she would say. Sara picked up the phone and greeted her mother respectfully and politely.
"I hope I'm not taking any of your time." Evelyn felt helpless, small, shattered, tired. Whenever she called she dreaded the worst, she dreaded she'd say something that would upset her daughter. The therapist she was visiting now told her to keep trying and pushing herself onto her daughter. "I just wanted to check if you received the money." And the mother was doing everything to fix what was already broken since day one, since she had given birth to this girl, who's now a woman, a smart, successful woman, who went through hardships nobody could endure.
"I did. Thank you." Sara was cold with her mother and that was a thing she was not going to change no matter what happened. She knew her mother. She knew that ignorance had been rooted deeply inside her. She herself was still paying the price. She also knew that even Tegan, her lover whom she thought a child, did see how she was affected by that cunning, strong mother. "I got a car," Sara said. "A 2014 Chevrolet, Volt Electric. I know it's not new, but it's not used. And I wanna save the rest of the money for...other things." There were many things on her mind. A house, a new house for her and Tegan. She also wanted to give Tegan a good life. Who knew? Maybe she and her would actually get married right after college, maybe they'd finally have that child she was dreaming of. She was aiming big, and she did not want to give up.
Evelyn was not stupid as her daughter thought she was. She had sent 200 thousand dollars to her daughter. She knew a car would not cost that much. She knew Sara was after a woman, Stacy told her that. She knew she was having fantasies to start a future with that woman. "You can do whatever you want with your money. Whenever you want I will send you some. It's yours after all."
It was not hers, it was her father's, her dead father's money. They were not rich, they were not poor, they were a middle class family. But at the last years of his life, her father was smart enough to make good money. She never knew why, but that maybe was one of the few things that made her have some tiny respect for her deceased father.
"You should keep it to yourself. How are you going to live without financial aid?" Sara looked up from the sofa to see her lover standing there, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She felt bad for waking her up, but she felt happy to see her there.
"Honey, I have a job now."
Sara's attention was brought back again to her mother. "You do?"
"Yes," Evelyn said. "It feels wonderful to depend on one's own. Now I know the delight you take in being your own strong person. I'm proud of you."
Tegan woke up due to an unbearable ache in her stomach. She tried to sleep it away but she was not able to. Somehow she felt even more tired. She couldn't do anything but go to the kitchen and drink some water, maybe it would make her feel better. Then she heard Sara's voice from the living room. She got curious and walked there. Actually, she wanted to be there next to Sara and take advantage of every lost moment they hadn't spent together.
And Sara's face had suddenly changed in colour, it got paler, her eyes became wider, her lips trembled, and her body stiffened. She placed her hand on Sara's knees and the professor looked at her with these two scared eyes. Sara had never heard these words ever. I'm proud of you. One time she dreamed of hearing them, especially from her mother. Stacy was the only one who told her that.
Sara remembered how Stacy told her she was proud of her when they were very young and Sara had managed to get the highest marks in her classes. And Stacy told her she was proud of her when Sara stood for herself and didn't let any of these bullies hurt her. Stacy also told her she was proud of her on her wedding day, and that day she gave birth too. Not only that, but Stacy reminded her she was proud of her these past two years, each day of these two years. The friend drowned in Sara's blood as she was trying to clean her after the surgery and she kept mouthing she was proud of her. After every chemo session, Stacy rubbed her back and told her she was proud. Whenever she washed every inch of her body and examined parts she could let none of her usual friends examine, she told her she was proud of her. Was it because Stacy was a nurse or was it because she was her best friend that she allowed her to see her in her worst states ever, the most embarrassing states ever? Sara only knew that because Stacy was both, and was caring, gentle, and her hands did not hurt, she let her touch the pain or look for something wrong.
"Thank you," was all Sara could whisper in a voice trying too hard not to break. "You...you said you're going to college too. You wanted to, I mean."
"Yes. I did. And I will." Her mother chuckled. "But, you know, I can't just do that in February. I have to wait till September."
"That's right. I forgot."
"Alright," Evelyn said. "I don't want to take much of your time. I was just checking on you."
"Thank you."
"Would you stop thanking me for doing things I should have done years ago? I can't stop feeling awful about myself."
"I apologize." Sara was still formal and cold, she didn't know how to remove that barrier. It was just there, since ever.
Her mother sighed. Her therapist told her not to lose her temper, not to give up to her frustration, and definitely not to shout. She told her with time things would be fixed. "I just want to make sure you're happy and satisfied with your life right now. I can't put up with something bad hitting you again. I can't do that, Sara. I want you to live the life everybody lives, a life you want."
Tegan watched Sara close her eyes and open them quickly. There was that Sara who suppressed her emotions. "I am okay. I am living the life I want. Do not worry." If her mother had shown this care since she was young, Sara wouldn't have suspected for a second that these words were fake.
"You got the girl? The one you love? Are you guys together now?" Sara did not expect that question, or that question in that hopeful tone. "I'm not trying to interfere or anything. I'm not trying to snoop on your private life, Sara. I just_"
"I did," Sara said quickly, shutting up her mother. "I don't want to talk more about it, however." And that's how she wanted to end the chat. She knew where to put a stop to her mother. Everything had a line, and that's where her mother's stood.
"I understand," Evelyn said. "I'm happy for you." Sara did not believe these words because just ten days before her mother was talking about her life with disdain. People do not change in ten days, not to the better at least.
"Thank you," Sara said. "I have to go."
"Yes, honey. I'm sorry. Yes, of course," her mother said quickly. "Goodbye...I love you."
Sara did not say it back. Sara ended the call, took a deep breath, and looked at Tegan sitting beside her. Then Sara smiled. "That was my mum," Sara said.
"I figured," Tegan said, changing her sitting position, instead of sitting with her foot down like Sara, she raised them up and sat on her calves, with her butt touching her feet. "Are you alright?"
Sara looked beautiful. Handsome, in fact. Her hair straightened and her face gleaming with brightness, her eyelashes long and the eyeliner on the lower lids making her irises look even lighter than usual, her collarbones visible and the swell of her breasts giving her outfit a feminine touch.
Sara's hand touched her lover's face and brushed the cold left cheek. "I will tell you about her today. About her coming here, I mean." Tegan tilted her head and closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of Sara's hand. "I'm sorry I woke you up. You seem tired."
"My stomach woke me up," Tegan said. "I don't feel very good, I admit."
Sara's concern quickly clothed her body. "Do you...do you want me to take you to the hospital? I can call Stacy."
"No, no." Tegan lifted her head up, touching that same hand that was touching her cheek. "Calm down. I'm okay." She squeezed the hand. She didn't feel okay, but she was okay. She knew she was. "I'm just exhausted."
"What do you feel?" Sara stood at once, taking both Tegan's hands and pulling her up.
"A bit dizzy." Tegan blinked. "Oh, ya." She chuckled. "Here's the blurriness when I stand up. I can't...I..." Tegan felt herself losing her balance for few moments, which Sara had caught up on and held her tightly in her arms.
"I'll have to make Stacy monitor your blood pressure today. I think we should go to Dr. Wilson, what do you say?"
"My appointment is in a week."
"Mine too. But I'm worried about you."
"It's just stress," Tegan said. "I'll be alright."
Sara took Tegan to the kitchen, made sure she's sitting, and then the professor fiddled with everything she had in her refrigerator. What did Tegan love? What would Tegan consume? What would take her the least time making since she had a class to hurry up to? Then Sara got an idea, she still had leftovers of that nutella tart she had made three days ago. She found it there, untouched and still looking pretty.
"Sara..." Tegan hesitated. "I'm not sure this is good for someone with such a troubled stomach."
"And I'm not sure eating nothing good will keep you from passing out for another minute. Eat up." Tegan made a mental note: never argue with Sara about food. One, she's bossy; two, she's hot when she's bossy. So Tegan asked for a glass of ice. Sara wanted to let her stop this habit, but Sara knew that it was something she couldn't control. Sara had been there, she remembered craving ice, but never consuming it the way Tegan did. And because Sara felt sorry for Tegan, she gave her those ice cubes that she crunched on between each bite.
"I won't take too long, my love. I'll teach two classes and I'll come back." Sara laughed. "This is all like the first time you stayed over. It's kinda repeated."
"But better," Tegan said. She wanted it to be better.
"Of course, of course." Sara put the white round pill in her mouth and chugged a glass of water right after. The bitter taste hit her taste buds as soon as she swallowed the drug.
"What's that for?" Tegan was going to ask about anything now. Any small thing. It was not like these old times when she looked past things she saw just to give Sara space. No. Screw the space. If they were going to share such an intense bond, they needed to know every small detail about each other.
Sara leaned against the kitchen table and looked at her lover confidently. "They're pills to make me wet," Sara said. "Literally to make me wet."
"Oh." Tegan felt dumbfounded. "Those same ones you used to take?"
Sara shook her head with a little laughter. "Heavier dozes here." Sara sighed. "They do everything but not make me wet. They make me bloated all the time, they mess up my metabolism, they make me get hot flashes, they make my body parts so damn sensitive, and make me angry and moody, but still leave my vagina dry as fuck." Tegan looked like she had seen horror in front of her. "Too much information and now you're scared and rethinking being with me." Sara felt her confidence shaking.
"No," Tegan said hesitantly. "I just didn't think it was such a...tiresome process." Tegan looked down at the tart then looked up. "You seemed all fine and...wet back then."
"I also had a cervix." Sara puffed. "Now nothing feels the same. It's like...like the symptoms just hit me and they hit me hard." Her lips curled in a frown, her tears were trying to rush out of her eyes.
"It doesn't need to be the same to be good. I understand." Sara looked at her student again, blinking her tears away. "My mum told me about everything that's probably happened to your body. She told me what they usually do and the side effects that comes with it and the sexual life after it. She filled me in back then. I just didn't believe her and thought she was lying to me to make me not want to be with you ever, and yet I couldn't because sex is the last thing I care about in a relationship with you."
But then the tears made their way back again inside Sara's lids, and this time, they made an appearance. "Oh, Tegan." Sara was smiling and crying. Sara was happy. "That's the best thing I've heard in awhile."
Tegan didn't know her professor was that insecure about such trivial situations now. Tegan had become a sexual person, that's true, but with Sara, sex did not matter and she could take all the time with her to establish a healthy sex life if everything else was good.
Sara kissed her with passion and said goodbye after tucking her in bed again. When Sara kissed her, she cried again, and the tears fell on her cheeks. Tegan wiped them like she did the previous night. Then Tegan was left alone to face her own frail body. She felt so weak and tired and she no longer wanted to be that way. As soon as she rested her head on the pillow, she passed out and slept for long hours.
Sara felt herself fresh and renovated. For the first time ever since a long time ago, she remembered to switch on her car radio and choose the station that only played old music, music of love and romance, music she heard in the nineties. She sang along to the music until she parked near the coffee shop close to the university to get herself and her friend two cups of black coffee. Then she parked inside the university and went up the stairs till she was in her office. She opened the windows despite the cool air and took off her long black coat. Then she went to the office on the floor below her and laughed upon seeing Dr. Austin's head on the desk and her eyes closed.
"Looks like we changed roles," Sara mouthed then chuckled.
At once, the other professor lifted her head up as fear sprang through her body. She looked at her friend with wide eyes until she realized it was not a dream and she was in her office. "Bloody hell, Sara," Dana said with a yawn. "You frightened the shit out of me."
"You should be thanking me for getting you coffee." Sara handed the other woman her cup and sat on the desk. "You're the only English person I know who doesn't like tea."
Dana shrugged as she took her first sip. "When you have monsters from the dead land of evil and pain living in your house you need as much caffeine as possible," Dana said. "Tea doesn't give me that."
"So you like it but you don't drink it?"
"No," Dana said. Sara giggled. "But don't tell the other English professors."
"My ex husband used to think he's English sometimes. If he didn't have his tea in the morning he'd be so cranky." Sara remembered Jack's obsession with the English culture. Sometimes he spoke their accent. It was adorable to watch his passion for not only the English, but the British literature as well. Perhaps because he took his PhD from there. Perhaps because he lived there for nine years. One other reason could be that his last girlfriend before her was English, and he loved that woman.
"Jack?" Sara nodded. "Do you still speak to him?"
"Sometimes," Sara said after taking her own sip of her coffee. "Last week he texted me asking if everything's going well."
"Is everything going well?" Dana asked.
"It is." Sara smiled. "It really is." She blushed like a little girl. "I hope it stays that way."
The other professor sat back in her chair as a smirk drew itself on her face. Her eyes twinkled and her teeth bit on her lower lip. "What happened that I must know of, Sara Clement?"
"Oh." Sara giggled softly, tucking her hair behind her red ears. "We're...we're together." Dana's eyes widened and her jaw dropped immediately. "She's at my place now. She just...came in last night. It just happened."
"Shut up," Dana said. "No, seriously, shut up."
"I'm pretty serious." Sara winked and shrugged.
"Ohhhh." Dana smirked wickedly again. "I should have known your morning enthusiasm had a reason behind it. That's not usual for Professor Clement to walk to my office all jolly and delighted."
"Hold your horses," Sara said with a bit of laughter. "Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Oh, that's none of my business, love." Dana sighed contently as she looked at her friend. "You need it, if you know what I mean." Sara didn't know why she was blushing, but she was, and it was amusing for her friend to watch.
"Yeah," Sara said, "I suppose so."
"If you two are going to have a child, you need to take all the time you have now to have sex because, believe me, that won't be an option until that bloody baby stops waking up in the middle of night."
"Oh." Sara's eyes widened. The reality of starting a family hit her at once. She forgot, she forgot about the consequences -the first few months; the constant nightly watchfulness; the crying; the tiredness; the exhaustion- she forgot all of that.
"What did you think, sweetie?" Dana narrowed the distance between her and her friend and whispered, "The last time I had sex was two months ago...and it was rudely interrupted by a screeching cry from my bloody baby."
"Oh, come on," Sara said. "You're exaggerating. Like, you couldn't manage to find a time at all? I've had sex with men, I know shit. It's a half an hour process maximum...if you were lucky."
"Why?" Dana's eyebrows went up. "How many hours lesbian sex usually take?"
"All day." Sara smirked, patting her friend's shoulder. The other friend looked bewildered and Sara enjoyed seeing that face. She enjoyed making others jealous of her even if she wasn't experiencing whatever she was speaking of. It was a way to fulfill her crushed self-confidence and boost her ego.
"I haven't slept in three days so please don't rub it in." Dana took a sip with a scowl on her face, then said again, "Now I'm seriously praying you get the most tiresome baby ever."
"Hey," Sara said loudly. "Not fair. I deserve some joy and quiet in my life."
"Or you know what? I hope you get twins. Yes, oh yes." The professor laughed evilly. "That would satisfy me."
"You're very mean and rude." Sara felt upset that all her friends were having the same wish. She lived a life that did not seem like a proper life, yet her selfish friends wanted her to suffer like them even though she already had her fair share of suffering. "You know what? Whatever baby I'll have I'll love him or her. Even if they screamed in my ears all night long and all day long and didn't let me go to the bathroom alone like my friend's daughter, I'll still love them. Yes." Sara stood up, proudly brushing off the nothing that was on her clothes and turned around, walking with the confidence she regained and the thoughts of having a child that she would be a mother to.
Tegan spent about an hour in bed trying to put up with the pain in her stomach. She knew she shouldn't have eaten that much, but she couldn't resist not to because Sara's food was very delicious and she had missed that kind of food in her life. But also, getting used to eating light meals and all of a sudden consuming something sugary and fatty was not the way to do it. No wonder Sara looked very curvy lately, if she ate that food everyday she would get her breasts back and her thighs would be full again. Sara looked so beautiful with thick thighs and full breasts. She really couldn't wait any longer to touch her. In fact, she had been juicing in her underwear since the night before. It was quite embarrassing that she was this turned on but it had been like that lately, she was always turned on.
Then her best friend called her while she was still in bed. He was worried, she hated that. He did not need to be worried. She was with Sara, nobody should be worried when she was with Sara. But Jeremy justified his worry saying it was about her health not about Sara's treatment. And it might had been true, but she knew how Jeremy thought of Sara and how Sara thought of him. Sara did not like Jeremy since that day he called Tegan's mother, and now that she knew he and Tegan had slept together for a year, she did not like him even more.
"I'll unpack and send you your suitcase," Tegan said.
"Does that mean I'm never gonna see you again? At all? We're never going to hang out?" Jeremy's concern was evident in his tone. That's what he feared and worried about. He was obsessed with her, true, but they were friends, best friends in fact. It wouldn't be a very nice thing to let go of all her friends just to please Sara and be with her. That's what happened the last time and what was part of the destruction; she felt suffocated locked inside the four walls of Sara's apartment. Sara always wanted her to be around and when she was out, Sara threw fits after she came back, especially if she was late. That part she did not like nor understand about Sara, and she hoped it did not exist anymore.
"Of course not, Jer," Tegan said. "You're my friend. My dearest friend. Just give me these couple of days to resolve everything, to settle and talk. You know, Sara and I need to talk."
"Yes."
"Yes," Tegan said. "So I just need to spend some time with her and I'll call you whenever I'm ready."
"Sure."
"You know me. I get bored easily." She knew her friend did not believe her words.
"Sara doesn't like me."
"Sara has to put up with it because you're my best friend," Tegan said sternly. "Sara can't control me nor decide what's good and bad for me."
"That's right." He felt proud that his friend was speaking in this powerful tone. Yes, Tegan had changed and now she's responsible and more confident. He liked that.
Tegan went to the bathroom after her phone call to pee and brush her teeth. Once she felt dizzy again, she hurried back to Sara's bed and closed her eyes. She wondered what was happening to her body and why was it so weak and tired all the time. She hated that.
Sara opened the door of her apartment and walked inside as her heart drummed, fearing she might not find Tegan. But when she went to her bedroom, she found her lover curled in bed with her eyes opened. She walked up to her and sat beside her. Tegan smiled and she did too.
"H..hey," Sara said, stuttering and blushing. "I'm sorry I left you." She was lisping as well.
Tegan reached for her soft hand and pulled it, making Sara lie down next to her. "Be close to me. I want to be suffocated by your presence."
Sara kissed Tegan's forehead. "It's starting to be known that you're a literature student," Sara said. "How are you feeling, though?"
Tegan sat back and sighed. "Not very good. So much pain in my tummy."
Sara kicked off her oxfords quickly and lay closer beside her lover. "Maybe you need to poop," Sara whispered.
"Sara," Tegan said, pushing Sara's giggling face away in a sportive manner. "It's not that. It's just that you stuffed me so much and I'm not used to this type of food. I've been eating salads for the past year."
Sara shifted her body closer to Tegan once again. "Salads only?"
"Well, kind of. Green stuff, I mean. Jeremy and I decided to be healthy. We quit smoking." That Jeremy again. Whenever Tegan mentioned him, Sara felt her competitive soul become activated.
"No meat at all? No chicken? Any other type of protein?" Sara asked.
"I don't eat red meat...and I rarely ate chicken." Tegan paused. "But I did have omelets and, like, dairy stuff...I mean yogurt. Cheese sometimes. Even sugary snacks, I did have those too."
"Okay." Sara sat up. "Now I see your entire problem. No wonder you can't even move without getting dizzy." Sara shook her head. "I know what I'm gonna make for dinner today."
"Don't tire yourself. Don't make food just for me." Tegan sat up too.
"I make food everyday because Ella and Stacy dine with me." Sara watched her student rub her temples, shutting her eyes tightly. "Maybe you should just lie down."
"The worst type of pain just hit my head." Tegan's head returned on the pillow again. "I'm such a burden."
"You're not," Sara said. "Stop saying that. I love taking care of you." Sara blushed. "It's that kind of instinct in me that you don't like. You know, taking care of you."
"Well," Tegan said as she toyed with Sara's shirt, pulling it out of her trousers, "will you take care of me in a different way right now?"
She felt ashamed that her arousal had reached that point of no going back. She couldn't control her libido and sexual desire. She couldn't even keep her need locked inside. She had been dreaming about Sara's touch since that day she and Sara left each other. She missed it. She missed it heavily and she craved it every hour of each day. She imagined it while touching herself in the bathroom. Only when Jeremy was out she was able to touch herself and imagine Sara's hands instead of hers. And when it was Jeremy touching her, she imagined Sara doing it. She did not want to waste anytime and play timid and coy, she felt the sexual need ripping through her and clothing her like an evil spirit taking over one's body.
Sara bit her lower lips as she pondered what Tegan had said inside her head. When Tegan pulled her by the collars closer to her face, Sara was no more doubtful of what Tegan was asking for. "You want me to have sex with you," Sara said.
"Yes," Tegan confirmed. "I want you to touch me, yes. Gently...because I feel tired." She blushed. "But I need it."
Sara swallowed, nodding and sitting up again. She looked all around her. The room was not dark. Her curtains were aside and the outside sky was cloudy and the view looked gloomy. Her heart felt scared and uncertain. But Tegan wanted to be touched and she was not going to let her inner fears and insecurities stand in their way. She wanted to touch Tegan as well. She wanted it so bad. She wanted to feel her moist rosy walls once again and be drenched in her thick fluids again. She wanted to taste her, to feel her, to see her face when the moment of euphoria hit her once again.
Sara leaned in and pecked her lover. She started undressing her with her shaky hands. Tegan felt Sara's hesitancy and nerves. She took off her shorts and underwear at once and threw the two items on the floor. Sara's breath almost stopped when she looked back at Tegan, naked with her legs apart, showing a cunt so pink and wet, so goddamn wet. And then...Sara felt her clit alive once again, making her aware that she still had that beautiful part in her body, created only for sexual pleasure and nothing more.
Then Tegan moved her hands to Sara's shirt, unbuttoning it slowly. Once she made sure Sara was okay with what she was doing after she was given a nod, she started getting Sara rid of her clothes quickly. While she was helping her lower her pants, she saw the different lines of stitches on Sara's lower abdomen. But what she did was pretend as if she had paid no attention to them. She did not even pause nor stare for more than a second. She helped Sara get rid of her pants and her black satin panties quickly. It was cute and it had lace on the sides. Tegan looked down to see Sara's beautiful vulva, with its red lips and its clit asking for attention.
But Sara hurriedly covered both of their lower bodies with the white sheets tangled up beneath them. She kicked her socks from underneath the sheets and threw them along with her clothes on the floor. Tegan lay back again on the pillow as her professor's lips helped pushing her down even more with the hungry kiss she pressed on her own lips.
Tegan was taken by surprise, her eyes fluttered open and shut as she tried to gain her control over Sara's powerful dominance. She hadn't been kissed like that since ever. Maybe Sara used to kiss like that in the past, she didn't remember. But that kiss came all of a sudden, it was hungry and needy and full of intense lust. Tegan gave up and let Sara do what she wanted to do. She was very tired anyway. Tired and horny was not a good combination. Perhaps she felt that Sara was way stronger because of how weak she felt. She closed her eyes and let Sara kiss her as if she was the sleeping beauty and Sara was trying to wake her up.
Sara thought of the softness of her lover's body. She thought about licking all that's her. She thought about touching her all over her skin. She was lost in this kiss, moving her tongue in a slow rhythm while moving her hands all over these two arms of her lover. She didn't hear Tegan's moans and it worried her but she was able to tell that the woman beneath her was whimpering and ready to be touched. She felt her hips moving against her own and was able to feel the connection that Tegan was trying to put them in slowly.
But Sara snaked her hand between them and touched the ocean between Tegan's leg. She was wet, so fucking wet. Sara hadn't felt such wetness in forever. Tegan was fucking drenched. She could slip her finger in easily because while she was trailing her digits between Tegan's slit, she felt them almost sucked in by Tegan's entrance whenever she came close to it.
And Tegan was dying to have these two digits inside of her. She wanted them badly, she needed them, in fact. She missed them; the way they curled inside her; the way they moved; the thrusts they provided; the way she hugged them. Oh God, Sara's breasts were pressed against hers and her hard nipples were poking hers and it felt so nice and refreshing to feel a woman's body above hers, and not just any woman, no, no, it was Sara's, her lover's, her one and only lover. Her hunger finally struck her, making her take a rough hold of one breast and squeeze. But then Sara pulled away from that kiss and gasped in an unbearable pain. She was very sensitive and tender, she couldn't be touched this way. Goddamn them these pills, they took away the joy of roughness and pain that came with the pleasure.
"Gentle," Sara mouthed. She didn't want to hurt Tegan's feelings. Tegan didn't know.
"I'm very sorry." But Tegan knew, and she knew Sara thought she didn't know. But she knew she hurt her very much because she knew Sara's facial expressions. So Tegan gently stroked that breast with her fingertips, just brushing the flesh while looking at it.
Sara resumed the kiss after smiling to assure her girlfriend nothing was wrong. They made out in silence as Sara searched and examined each part of Tegan's pussy. She missed her pussy and she missed being inside her warm walls and missed playing with her small clit and beautiful lips.
Tegan closed her eyes again and let her mind, body, and soul; all relax as she was being touched very gently, carefully, and slowly by Sara's skilled fingers. That was the love and sex she always wanted: Sweet, gentle, meaningful. It was not all about the fun and the pleasure, it was about the feeling. She felt her clit being teased with anticlockwise rotations, she felt her lips being pulled, and felt two digits poking her entrance. She opened her eyes as a very slow moan escaped her lips. Sara was staring at her now. Sara was watching her face. And when she opened her eyes, Sara blushed intensely because she was caught in the act of watching. Sara felt as if she was a creep but there was nothing more beautiful than watching the one you love living the moments of the ecstasy your own fingers and body were providing. She took pride in that, she took pride in making Tegan's eyes shut and Tegan's heart beat and Tegan's mouth open and Tegan's pussy water. She took pride in making Tegan yell and scream for her. But wait a minute, Tegan wasn't doing that, and she used to do that. She used to moan loudly and Sara loved it so much. But now Tegan was barely letting any sound. No matter how differently she touched her, Tegan didn't voice any pleasured sounds. Her face seemed as if she was pleased and satisfied but there were no sounds. Even when Sara slapped her pussy lightly, waiting for a little reaction; Tegan's face only reddened and her eyes closed, but there was no sound.
Sara kissed her neck and sucked. She was then able to hear her heavy breaths and gasps. She slapped her pussy again and Tegan winced. Sara looked up and watched Tegan looking down at her. "Did I hurt you?"
"It was just...surprising." But Tegan's voice was very low and raspy and Sara loved it because it was turning her on.
"How come...?" Sara couldn't continue, she was afraid of asking.
"What is it?" Tegan felt Sara's finger unconsciously circling her clit slowly. She needed Sara to be inside before she came.
"You're not moaning so loudly like before." Sara wanted to hide her face and she did so because she was so embarrassed. She hid it in Tegan's chest and giggled at herself and the fact she was embarrassed to ask such a question.
"I learned how to control that." Tegan felt amused, especially when Sara giggled again and covered her face with her hand. "Why are you so shy?"
Sara wiped the beads of sweat off her brow. She laughed again at herself and collected the cover that was falling off, putting it back above her naked bum. "I feel very creepy. Like, it turns me on when you moan so loudly. And I was just watching your face when I was rubbing you and I felt very creepy when you opened your eyes and saw me."
"I felt embarrassed. I'm not sure if my sex face is good to see."
"Oh, it is, believe me." Sara laughed a bit, still rubbing Tegan's clit.
"Does it make you wet?" Tegan asked.
"I think, yes." Sara blushed again.
"Good," Tegan said. "Now finger me and suck my breasts, please." She was no longer afraid to ask for what she wanted. She asked Jeremy before and she was used to do it often after. He asked her to do some things too and she did most of them unless she was not very comfortable or not in the mood.
Sara was delighted to be asked. She sucked Tegan's breasts one after the other and pushed her two digits easily in. She knew she could fit a third in but Tegan wanted very soft and gentle sex. Sara sucked on a nipple and tweaked the other while her eyes were open, staring at Tegan's pleased face. Her own pussy was pressed against Tegan's thigh and the feeling felt great for the first time. Her fingers felt Tegan's wet walls and she became instantly curious to discover more and go deeper, to feel how healthy and beautiful Tegan was inside there, unlike herself. But she didn't want to hurt Tegan and she didn't want her curiosity to pull Tegan away from the serene mood she was in.
Tegan was very relaxed and was feeling so good. Sara made her come after a few minutes and her orgasm was gentle, not too strong and not too quiet, it was just the right orgasm that her body wanted. When she opened her eyes, she watched Sara's coppery ones staring at her. She felt more exposed than ever knowing Sara had witnessed her entire orgasm. When she had sex with Jeremy they always did it when the lights were off. And if at rare times they did not, it usually was rushed and he did not take a long look at her face as she hit her orgasm. She remembered taking a look at his face when she was giving him a blow job that one time. She felt very embarrassed and uncomfortable so she closed her eyes as soon as she saw his flushed face, her heart was beating, her body was sweaty and tensed. She was glad these days were over, she hoped she wouldn't have to live them once again.
When Sara started feeling Tegan's walls relax and unclench, she slowly began to pull out of her warm hole. She continued looking at her because she missed her face and wanted to remember every detail of it just in case mortality made itself known to her once again. Death was just something she thought about even while having sex, it was always there in her mind. What if? Why not? But it can't. Well, it surely can. She conversed with her mind and thought about things others wouldn't think of while having sex.
Tegan's eyes closed while Sara heard her very tiny whimpers. They were sexy. She was lovely. Sara looked at her two drenched fingers and craved them so much, so she pushed them inside her mouth and sucked with delight. Tegan opened her tired eyes and watched Sara licking her juices off her fingers. Tegan smiled when Sara sighed peacefully after pulling her fingers out of her mouth. Tegan felt her eyes closing and her mind shutting down.
"I want to scream crude vocabulary in your ears while I devour you," Sara said. "I want to devour you," she whispered. Tegan tried to open her eyes but she couldn't, instead she mumbled something Sara couldn't hear. "Are you tired, my love?" Tegan hummed in response. "Did I tire you out?" Tegan nodded. Sara kissed her pouty lips and laughed. "Get some sleep." Tegan did not say anything, her eyes were closed too. "Is it okay if I go get Ella from kindergarten while you sleep?" Tegan's eyes opened just a tad. She nodded while squinting and then turned around on her side, closing her eyes while Sara planted soft kisses on her temple and then her shoulder.
Sara stretched and got off her bed. She covered Tegan's frame entirely with the duvet that was at the edge of the mattress. Sara walked to the bathroom and peed. She went into the shower and very quickly soaked her entire skin and hair. She only washed her hair with her shampoo and did not use any conditioner and did not wash her body. But she inserted a finger between her lips to inspect. She was not wet, but she was definitely not as dry as she always had been. She thought maybe the water had washed off her wetness. She left the shower, brushed her teeth, and dried her hair with the blow dryer very quickly. She dressed herself casually and walked to her room again to grab her car keys and wallet.
Beef stroganoff with mashed potatoes and pasta on the side was perfect for Tegan. Sara knew too well how to hide the taste of meat that Tegan despised. Tegan loved mushrooms and she could easily hide the unwanted flavours with the mushroom sauce and the pieces of mushroom so Tegan could eat the meat. Fresh lime juice was perfect for anemic people. And to end it, she could make a classic, delicious strawberry shortcake that she was sure Tegan would love because Tegan also loved strawberries. And so, before Sara went to pick Ella up, she went to the supermarket to get her supply of beef, mushrooms, potatoes, pasta, some spices, lime, cucumbers and tomatoes for the salad she was going to make, onions, whip cream, and strawberries. She tried to remember if she had enough eggs, once she was sure she had more than she needed, she moved to the soda section to pick some cans for herself later. She also added juice boxes for Ella because she ran out of her supply. She tried to remember if she had flour, she couldn't remember so she added flour and then butter in her cart. She also took three bags of sour cream and onion chips and one of salt and vinegar for Ella. She remembered to get a bag of gummy bears for her as well. But, as she was leaving the candy section, her mind made her make a return to get another bag for Tegan.
Once she felt satisfied with everything in her cart, she stood in line behind everybody waiting to pay for what they had added in their carts and then leave. She looked around her at how busy everybody seemed. Sometimes it occurred to her to think about others. They all had their own busy lives and most of them were in a hurry just like her. She wondered if someone was as excited and happy as she was now. Just a week before when she was in that place she was desperate and in a rush too because she did not want to interact with these strange faces nor see a smile on any of them. The woman with the white hair could be as excited as her. She had many things in her cart, too many things. She could be preparing to cook for her grandchildren if she had any. And that man with his crying infant in the front carrier could be having a very hard time. She wanted to help him, to show him how to make his son stop crying. She wondered where was the mother if there was any. Or maybe that's not even his father. Everyone had their story and she had hers and at times like these she felt as if she wanted to share the world her happiness that she felt upset seeing someone struggling as that man, or someone standing there with no expression on their face like that teenager standing before her. She wanted everyone to have the same excited smile as that grey-haired woman and herself. But then again, did the world care when she was suffering? Did they think the same thing these past years when they saw her? She remembered some staring, yes, she definitely did.
Sara brushed away her thoughts as the car radio interrupted them again. She drove in silence to the kindergarten. Ella demanded to be carried and Sara carried her. The little girl placed her head on Sara's shoulder as Sara talked to the principal. She cleared up the confusion that the older woman had. She was not Ella's other mother. She was her mother's friend. The principal was worried because Ella did not want to interact nor speak to anybody. She also preferred to play alone. Sara said she would inform her mother.
Sara and Ella stepped inside the silent apartment and Ella ran to the bathroom immediately. Sara remembered that Tegan was asleep on her bed in full nudity. "When you finish, call me," Sara said to Ella and then went to her room. Tegan was still asleep. She also remembered that the she needed to change the sheets. She didn't want to do it, but she had to wake Tegan up. She shook her body gently and waited till her student's eyes opened after stretching and yawning. "I'm so sorry, sweetie."
"What time is it?"
"Half past one, I believe," Sara went to her closet. She took Ella's small towel and clothes. "I need you to get dressed and change the sheets. You can find clean ones in the third drawer." Sara pointed at her dresser.
"What..." Tegan yawned again. "...What are these for?"
"These are Ella's. Her mother keeps some of her stuff here because she spends most of her time here." Tegan sat up, holding the duvet against her chest. "I'm going to give her a bath, if you need anything tell me."
Tegan was left alone to get dressed and change the sheets. She stayed in her night clothes because she felt lazy. She already felt at home and at home she never wore bras and so she did not wear one. While living with Jeremy, she did wear bras and only took them off before falling asleep. It wasn't home at Jeremy's.
She looked at the floor and saw Sara's panties and her own one from the morning when they threw them. She also saw Sara's bra and Sara's clothes. She did not know what's dirty and what's not so she picked everything including the sheets and paced to the bathroom. The door was ajar and Sara was giggling with Ella.
"I know these boys can be mean. Don't be afraid of them, they're silly." Tegan stood at the door. Ella looked up at her. Sara had taken off her sweater and remained in her bra. She was washing Ella's hair. When Sara noticed Ella's focus had moved towards something else, she turned around to see what was the kid staring at. Tegan was smiling. Her heart felt warm and happy. "Oh, hi, Tegan."
"Hi, uh, I was just wondering if all of these are dirty." She picked Sara's clothes in one hand.
"Oh, yes. Throw them in the hamper."
"Go," Ella said, pointing at Tegan. "Go, go."
"Go out, she's shy." Sara laughed. "Don't be shy, it's Teetee."
"Go, go," Ella said again with a scowl. Tegan was laughing.
"What are all these things?" Tegan mumbled to herself as she looked at the numerous bags on the kitchen counter. Sara had went grocery shopping and apparently she had bought everything. Tegan wanted to help her partner, she emptied these bags and began to discover the nooks and corners of the small kitchen. She found three unused bags of flour. Two had expired already. "She must be losing it." Sara's refrigerator was also full. There were many soda cans in there and so much butter and different kinds of fruits and vegetables. Sara was one of those people who lost themselves in the supermarket and just grabbed what their eyes fell on. Her grandmother was like that. Her refrigerator had everything and everything was expired because she lived alone and nobody ate anything even when she and her cousins visited.
"Run to the room," Tegan heard Sara say. "Go there and I'll get you gummy bears and juice." She heard fast footsteps and the sound of the door. Sara walked in, laughing. "Oh, you're here."
"I was just trying to help." Sara squeezed Tegan's body between her own and between the kitchen counter. She kissed her and licked her lips. "Oh, God." Tegan laughed nervously.
"Come with me to the room." Sara took Ella's bag of gummy bears and a box of apple juice. "Oh, I got you gummy bears too."
"Thanks," Tegan said. She laughed more. "I'm still very full."
"Drink water. Did you do that?" Tegan nodded. "Yes, stay hydrated. I'm gonna make you a very delicious dinner."
"You're spoiling me already."
"The perks of being with Sara," Sara said as they walked to her room, "huge amounts of food and orgasms." Sara winked at laughing Tegan before opening the door. Ella was sitting in the middle of her bed, already arranging her toys and hugging the teddy bear that Sara angrily kicked on the floor while she and Tegan were having sex. "Alriiighttt," Sara said. "I think I need to start with your unpacking."
"Oh, sorry," Tegan said. "I don't know where to put my things. I don't want to take over your space."
"I can make you some space. Is it okay if I unpacked for you? There's just so much mess."
"Yes, and I'll watch and direct you." Tegan sat on the mattress next to Ella, who looked up at her. "I hope I'm not intruding," Tegan said to Ella. Ella shook her head and rolled her eyes, staring at Tegan from the corner of her eyes.
"She's not used to you yet." Sara began unpacking the first suitcase. She decided she'd take everything out and put the similar items together and decide later where she was going to put everything.
"Why?" Tegan asked.
"You make her shy." Sara smiled while taking one item after the other from Tegan's suitcase. Tegan had many hoodies, many pants, many shirts, many everything. But after each item she took out of the suitcase, there was bra messily stuck around it by either the straps or the clasps. Tegan had so many bras and Sara didn't understand why.
"Don't be shy, El," said Tegan. Ella remained silent. "But we're good friends. Remember the other day when we played house together?" Ella lifted her head up. Her wide eyes were hopeful and beautiful.
"Do you like bears?" Ella offered Tegan gummy bears. "Take." Tegan took one. "Do you like house?"
"Yes," Tegan said.
Ella paused and looked up at her toys. "Look," she pointed at a Barbie with one missing boot. "Eddie took her boot." Tegan nodded, she felt confused. "So I...I bit him."
"Eddie's my cousin's son," Sara pointed out. "Good girl, El. I don't like Eddie." Tegan also had a vibrator that Sara saw hidden underneath the pile of clothes. She wrapped it up in one red t-shirt so Ella wouldn't see it then hid it behind her back. She wondered when did Tegan buy it and if she used it with Jeremy or alone only or never used it in the first place.
"He kissed me." Ella covered her face with her hands. Tegan and Sara both laughed. "But," Ella said, removing her hands, "it was was disgusting. I said eww and then I told mommy and she said eww."
"You don't like Eddie?" Tegan asked.
"No," Ella shouted. "I only like girls."
"Oh, whoa." Tegan laughed loudly.
"It's true," Sara said. They needed a bigger house. Where was she going to put all these things? Her closet barely held her own clothes. She needed to work on that immediately.
"I like you," Ella said to Tegan. "And I like Sasa," she continued when she felt too shy saying she liked Tegan. "And I like mommy when she doesn't talk and say Ella go sleep, Ella stop jumping on the sofa, Ella eat your breakfast, Ella get your jacket," Ella mocked her mother's voice, watching how both women were staring at her with peals of laughter. She felt admired because she had all the attention. She was excited and hyper and talkative.
"Okay, seriously," Sara said. "How many bras do you have?" Ella stopped talking. She and Tegan looked at the carpeted floor where Tegan's bras were arranged. "Did you rob a lingerie store?" Ella laughed.
"My size changed," Tegan said. "Half of these are too big for me now."
"I'm gonna take them," Sara said. "Can I take them? I think they're my size." Sara picked one white bra with red polka dots. "And they're cute."
"Ya, take them. I don't care." Tegan shrugged.
"I want one," Ella said, hopping off the bed and walking to Sara.
"No," Sara said. "You don't have boobies." Ella frowned. "And Tegan is my girlfriend not yours."
Ella screeched loudly, stomping her feet on the floor and hitting Sara's head with her hands. Sara was laughing so hard, her hair was everywhere on her face. Tegan felt flummoxed that her thirty five year old girlfriend was trying to tease a four year old child and make her jealous. "Tegum is my girlfriend," Ella said. Her tears were beginning to fall.
"Oh my God." Tegan gasped. "Why do you do that?" she said to Sara. "Come here, El. Don't listen to that old lady." Sara was still giggling. "I'm your girlfriend." She hugged the small child and kissed her forehead.
"Old lady," Ella said, sticking her tongue out at Sara.
Later in the kitchen while Sara started to cook and Ella was watching television in the living room, Tegan said, "Why would you try to tease a young child?"
"She thinks she's your girlfriend."
"So what?" Tegan watched her girlfriend chop pieces of the meat. "I don't think she understands the concept of being a girlfriend."
"Yes, she does," Sara said. "She wanted to take your bra."
"Sara." Tegan sighed. "I can't believe you're serious." Sara did not say anything. "She's a kid. She just thought it's cool since you were like I want them and she felt as if she's part of this whole thing that you and I are in and was like I want one too." Sara shrugged. Tegan was reasonable of course and she was immature and childish but she did not care. "I can't believe you and a four year old fought over a bra. I just can't believe that even happened."
"I'm a baby, yes, I know."
"A two year old baby, yes." Tegan said as she grinned. "Babe," Tegan said, "didn't I tell you I don't like red meat?"
"Beef stroganoff is good for anemic people. You won't taste the meat, I promise you." Sara pulled out the pan and put it above the stove, she put some oil in it and waited for it to heat. For a moment, she felt stupid and pathetic. What was she doing? She was excited, why couldn't she be excited? And she was making big plans in her head. Next week she'd go search for bigger houses, but Tegan must come along. She didn't want an apartment, she wanted a house for her and Tegan. Then she was going to write exams for the classes she was teaching. In May, Tegan would finish university, graduation would be in early June. Then she and Tegan could go anywhere and everywhere together. But she halted and stopped thinking when the fear rushed back in again, the fear of dying, of losing it all, of destruction and hopelessness. Was she not supposed to make plans like everybody else?
Later that day Stacy helped Sara in the kitchen when she returned. Dinner was as good as Sara wished it to be. Stacy moaned taking her first bite, which made Tegan raise an eyebrow. Ella rolled her eyes at her mother. Sara asked Tegan if she liked it many times. Tegan told her that she loved it, in fact. Tegan finished her whole plate. But that was not enough for Sara because she and Stacy ate so much while Tegan only ate that.
"I want you to monitor her blood pressure after you remove her cannula," Sara said. "Tegan are you still dizzy?"
"I'm okay." Tegan did not want Stacy to be a nurse to her.
"She's not. She fainted yesterday and was sent to the hospital." Stacy studied the back of Tegan's hand.
"I'm fine now."
"I want to make sure you're fine," Sara insisted.
"So you're living here now, Tegan?" Stacy asked.
"I suppose so."
"Yes, she is," Sara said. Stacy smiled at Sara. A smile only Sara understood. Sara kicked her leg under the table and Stacy almost choked on her drink.
"I want to talk to you about Ella," Sara said when both Tegan and Ella were in the living room. "Her principal said she's very quiet and isolated and doesn't like to mingle."
"She's new," Stacy said, "of course she's quiet."
"Yes, but that woman was too worried."
"How is she around you?"
"Perfectly fine." Sara shrugged, washing the dish in her hand. "She told Tegan a couple of stories today and hit me for saying Tegan is my girlfriend."
"She did what?" Stacy yelled.
"Relax. It was cute." Stacy sighed, cleaning the table. "I want you to monitor Tegan's blood pressure now."
Sara handed her friend the sphygmomanometer after she had removed the cannula. "They're such idiots, they couldn't even find her veins. Look what they have done to her arm." Stacy showed concerned Sara Tegan's arm. Many red spots had gotten blue and they were the result of trying to find the right vein they could work with. "Next time you're there ask for me, I know how to do it."
"There won't be a next time," Sara said shortly.
Both Sara and Ella watched as Stacy took Tegan's blood pressure. Ella stood on the sofa to get a better look and Sara stood behind it while Tegan and Stacy both sat there. How ironic to Tegan that Stacy was the one taking care of her. Stacy's hands were very gentle and delicate, she could barely feel their touch, unlike that nurse from the day before, her touch was so harsh and rough. Stacy's touch was soft and careful and made her relax.
"That's not very good," Stacy said. "79/55"
"That's bad," Sara shouted. "That's very bad." Tegan didn't understand.
"Yeah, I think you need some rest and some nutrition." Stacy was not sure if that alone was going to get Tegan's blood pressure to a normal rate once again.
Stacy wanted to ask Sara many questions and Tegan wanted to ask Sara others and Sara wanted to say different things to Stacy and different things to Tegan. But none of them did anything and the night was spent in uncertainty and quick glances towards each other. Tegan was worried about what's going to come. Was that the life Sara lived? Was Stacy there everyday? And Ella too? And did Sara go around worrying about this and that and wanting this and that and taking care of everyone? What about her and her life? What about university? What about tomorrow? Who would drive her there tomorrow?
"Tegan," Sara said all of a sudden. "Go to bed, honey." Tegan didn't know she was thinking while falling asleep. She slept too much and still felt tired. She felt strange and felt as if her day had been wasted. She wanted to sit with Sara and look at her without these people around. Now Ella was asleep on her mother's lap. The four year old hugged her mother's torso and put her head on her mother's chest while both her legs hugged her mother's waist from each side. She looked at Stacy's hand rubbing her daughter's back and then looked at Sara who was looking at her. She stood up and went to the bedroom. The moment her head hit the pillow the moment her eyes closed.
"Are you happy now?" Stacy asked.
"I am," Sara answered.
"You don't seem happy."
"I am worried about her." Stacy nodded. "Stacy?"
"Yes?"
"When you just had Ella, did you, uh, you and Tony, did you have time to, you know? Like at all?"
"Wow." Stacy chortled. "Is that what you're thinking of?" Sara nodded. "Well, yes. Not a lot, though. But we ceased the moments she was asleep."
"My friend today was talking about how she hadn't had sex for two months."
"Sara," Stacy said in a louder tone, making her daughter stir. "You're thinking about things you shouldn't be thinking about now. You're way too early and you're making so much plans in your head and you don't even know what could happen."
"I deserve to think and plan and daydream just like all of you healthy people," Sara snapped. Ella was waking up.
"That's not what I meant." Stacy paused, shushing her daughter's whimpers. "I just think that she's the one who needs to have a healthy body first before you think of that," she said in a lower tone.
"I'm gonna get her there." Sara felt determined to do so.
"I need to have a long talk with you. I still have no idea what just happened. I left you yesterday angry and I come here today with your smiles and your daydreams all over the place."
"We're back together, that's what happened. She just came up here at midnight yesterday and we talked and cried and decided it's best we're together. It's simple. Why does it have to have some dramatic effect and some tragic story? Two people love each other, they're back together. As simple as that. Why can't I smile and daydream about it, huh? Tell me."
"Don't cry," Stacy said when she felt her friend's voice breaking. "I should go. We'll talk later." Stacy stood up. Sara was glad that Stacy had a car now and she wouldn't be forced to drive her like she did the past few days. Now she could just be angry at Stacy and her words.
She always did that. Whenever Tegan was there, Stacy did that and said these words and Sara hated them and did not understand them and did not believe them. Stacy was the one who brought Tegan to this place in the first place, and the one who arranged with her and the one who wanted her to give Sara a second chance. Maybe they were both tired. Maybe she didn't let her friend speak. Maybe she was just too happy to let anybody pull her back to reality.
Tegan was calmly asleep when she joined her after changing her clothes and brushing her teeth. She hugged her small body and felt that there was really no need to cry. She cried everyday because she was lonely but now she didn't need to cry because of something her friend had said. She was a sensitive woman and cried easily but there was no need now because Tegan was there in her arms, asleep on her bed, and living in her place. She was going to plan and daydream and smile and contemplate and be happy, she was going to live as if she was never going to die and not think of anything other than the fact she had gotten the woman she was trying so hard to get. Why cry about things others said? Why cry because of worry? This moment was more important, Tegan asleep on her mattress at the moment was way more important.