1. Trigger warnings for depression and suicide talk. 2. Anybody has a problem with Stacy being in the story just don't read the story because she's gonna be in it a lot. 3. Again, Halo was only narrated in Tegan's POV, Catharsis is narrated in an omniscient POV and isn't limited to the thoughts of one character. So each character may see things differently, put that in mind. 4. Not everything has to make sense now, there's a reason it's called plot and it has its elements. Things may appear later and are hidden now for some reason. 5. Thank you for reading and reviewing *sweet smile*
Maybe it was a bad idea; going to university with this state she was in. It was probably a terrible idea. No, what was terrible was going to Jeremy's place to return the suitcase. She found a cab from Sara's place to his, but now she couldn't find any to return home. She was forced to walk while it was raining and hailing. Everything felt like it was happening again; she hated secrecy. She felt tired. She needed the semester to be over. Sara woke up with an awful headache. It made her cry. Tegan feared these moments and felt them coming quickly.
"It's a migraine, I get them often now," Sara said as she put her head in her hand and cried.
Tegan made breakfast and Sara watched while her head rested on the kitchen table. Sara's place was only a street away from university, so there was no need to be worried; she could walk. Sara taught the first class with difficulty. Maybe the students hadn't noticed, but Tegan did. She watched her lips carefully drink one cup of coffee after the other like an addict. She wondered if Sara had slept well, she wondered what happened after she went to bed.
"Goddamn it," Tegan cried loudly as a car rushed past her in full speed and splashed her with water, making her entire body drenched. "Fuck you," Tegan yelled. "I hope you fucking drown, you fuck face." Her anger arose more and chilliness hugged her body, making her shiver and curse underneath her breath.
"Don't curse at random people in the street," it was Sara's voice that surprised her all of a sudden, making her lift her head up and look at the street. The woman was in her car, a big, goofy smile on her face. "That's not very polite," Sara said in a low voice this time. "Come on. Get in. Let's go get you a warm bath."
She had heard of someone's day magically getting better and hers definitely did. She smiled so big when she saw Sara. She got inside the car and shivered. Her teeth crackled against each other as she rubbed her hands together.
"Aww." Sara laughed softly. "You're like a wet cute kitty." Sara looked at her for a second then focused on the road.
"Sara," Tegan whined. Two days together and Sara was already teasing her. God, she loved it.
"Tegan," Sara said in the exact same whiny tone, then she laughed. "It's okay, my love. It happens. We don't see it when we splash people. The roads suck. I'll give you a nice hot bath like the one I give Ella."
"I'm not four." Tegan scowled. "We talked about this."
"You're not four, but you're my little baby and I'm not gonna change that. I told you." Sara never changed her mind; she always wanted people to see what she saw. She was admired for her determination and willpower.
"Sometimes I feel like you have some mother and daughter fetish," Tegan mumbled, brushing her wet fringe away.
"Perhaps I do." Sara winked, not caring that Tegan's eyes widened.
"How's your headache, though?" Tegan neglected their little teasing and jumped into the question twirling inside her head since she and Sara departed after their class.
"Oh, God, much better." Butterflies erupted in Sara's stomach when her girlfriend asked her that question. Stupid butterflies; they're for teenagers. Sometimes she felt like she was one. It felt so sweet of Tegan. She loved to be taken care of despite the fact that she hid it so well. "Dana gave me some pill she takes when she gets her horrible migraines and it worked magically."
"Good. I'm glad you're okay. I was a bit worried." Tegan sneezed after her sentence. It was very very cold.
Sara's craving heart wanted someone to feel worry and anxiousness when it came to her. She wanted attention and she voiced it once to Tegan, saying she needed pity. She wanted someone to give her care and spoil her and love her and hug her and tickle her. She wanted to be treated the way she treated Tegan. So when Tegan said that, Sara's stomach increased in butterflies; she smiled and clutched the steering wheel as excitement arose inside her.
Tegan was shaking and shivering when she got inside Sara's apartment. "I really hate winter," she said exasperatedly. Sara laughed and pushed her gently to the bathroom. Her clothes were soaked and her hair as well. She rubbed both of her hands and blew on them to get some heat.
"The place will be warm in a few minutes. I just switched on the heating system," Sara said.
Tegan took off her clothes in the bathroom and handed each damp item to Sara, who was watching her with an intense gaze. Sara's eyes were warm but intense; the way Sara's eyes usually were; the way Tegan fell in love with them two years before.
"I think I need to pee," Tegan said, hinting that Sara should leave the bathroom.
"Do it," Sara said. "I'll open the faucet and let the water pour in the tub and watch you pee." Sara smiled.
"No." Tegan shook her head. "You're going to go outside and let me have some privacy." Their interaction felt very genuine. They didn't really worry about hurting each other's feelings with too much honesty or dry jokes. It's as if they had been dating for these past two years, not only dated for two months and left each other and now they were back. Everything around them and in their presence felt normal, domestic, relaxing. Tegan could say what she wanted to say. She stayed with Jeremy for a year and there was this huge barrier and this line between them that none broke no matter how many times they slept together, but around Sara, there were no barriers; no lines; no filters; no anything—just them exposed and raw and real.
"Fine, Ms. you-think-I'm-shy-around-you-?" Sara stuck her tongue out while pouring a bit of cherry bubble bath oil into the pouring water. She left Tegan alone and went to her room. She would have to go pick Ella up. She felt guilty that the thought made her huff in irritation. She loved Ella and loved to help her mother take care of her, but with Tegan there, it's like the mother and her daughter were intruding on her own honeymoon with Tegan. Perhaps she could talk with Stacy and let her know that she and Tegan wanted a bit of space to discover each other's lives and be together. It was the honeymoon phase all over again.
Good thing it was the weekend; she wouldn't have to pick up Ella the day after nor the day that followed that. Her mother would be at home because she didn't have to work on the weekends.
Sara took her phone back to the bathroom, going inside without knocking. Tegan jumped, looking up at her while washing her hands. She had already taken her underwear off and Sara ogled (without any shame) her body parts and focused on her tattoos.
"Already missed me?" Tegan said with a wicked smile, walking to the tub. "Ohhh." She closed her eyes when her toes met the warm water.
Sara sat on the ledge of the tub but regretted it right away because Tegan splashed her with water, purposefully. The student snorted loudly, watching Sara gasp. Sara was trying to open her eyes but foam was covering her entire face.
"Fucking hell, Tegan."
"Maybe you should, like, come here, you know, take these off, come here, hug me, I'm cold and your body's pretty warm." Sara wasn't sure if she was dreaming or imagining or whatever it was but Tegan was someones—someone so confident and different. It was the same Tegan but less shy.
"No," Sara said. She didn't want to get in there because she knew what Tegan was aiming for. She didn't want Tegan to touch and discover. She didn't want her body to be touched at that moment. She felt as if the process would be more complicated; having to warn Tegan and ruin the moment for her and tell her to be careful and slow. She didn't have time for that and was not in the mood for it. If it was the old Sara, she would be in the mood for it, but not this one with her frozen sexual desire.
Tegan didn't ask again. One look from Sara's eyes let her know that Sara was not only anxious but frightened, scared, and horrified. Sara wasn't fully ready to give herself up that quickly. Sara was trying but she wasn't courageous enough as she used to be. Sara was scared of her reaction and her judgment and her.
Tegan touched her hand and rubbed it.
They had a new type of understanding through their eyes. Sara once read in a book that true lovers understood each other without having to pronounce the words; they just looked into each other's eyes and everything was made clear. Everything was made clear for Tegan to understand it without pushing too hard. It made Sara smile.
"So," Tegan said, resting her head against the wall behind while her hand scooped some water that instantly fell out of it.
"When did you get the tattoos?" Sara quickly asked. She was waiting for the right moment and nothing felt more right than this moment.
Tegan twisted her right arm and looked at the tattoo then did the same with the left one. Her lips were pouty and her cheeks were red. "A year ago," Tegan said, finally looking up at Sara. "With Jeremy."
"Jeremy!" Sara wanted to mouth that inside her head but instead said it loudly, not realizing how bitter her tone was until she noticed Tegan's eyebrows raised.
"You really don't like him, do you?" Tegan chuckled.
"Not at all," Sara admitted quickly. She was not going to fake it and say something less honest. She, in fact, hated Jeremy for what he had done two years before. She thought that Tegan should not like him too, but Tegan did not only like and trust him, she also slept with him. It made her furious.
"You have very nice arms," Sara changed the subject.
Tegan had been told that by Sara.
"I mean, I really like these tattoos. Any meanings?" Sara sneaked her hand inside her blouse and scratched at her itchy left shoulder.
Tegan was beginning to feel cold again. The warmth of the water didn't seem so sufficient anymore. Her frail bones always ached when she felt cold. She was too thin to produce enough body heat; she always felt cold. "Thank you," Tegan said. "They do...but..." Tegan faltered. She didn't want to tell Sara about what these tattoos meant.
Honestly, she, herself, did not even know what they meant exactly. She just loved the idea that plants were able to rebirth themselves each season. They would wither and die and then they would come back and be alive. Tegan loved nature; its water; its earth; its fire; its air. She loved every part of nature. But she loved the underground mostly. She felt as if she belonged there; as if she was a goddess of the underworld; as if she was the princess of the hidden, buried, and lost. Everything strong came out from under there. Roots are placed inside the soil. They face lots of changes then they birth such a beautiful tree that also undergoes many alterations in order to birth a fruit or a flower. Tegan felt as if she was the root, the tree, and the flower. Hardships made her birth something else and that was creativity and success. Hardships made her who she was today: a catharsised human being free of all soiled emotions.
How was she to explain that to Sara? It made her feel stupid to express it. Sara was looking at her, waiting for an answer.
"I honestly don't know how to explain it. It's not that I don't want to say it, but I feel stupid saying it." She didn't want to lie and make up some lame story about it. Lying time was over.
"I hate how you think everything you think of or say sounds stupid. You never appreciate yourself. Have you even been reading the poems you've been writing in my class? They're a masterpiece, Tegan. I even cried reading one."
"Which one?" Tegan jumped, splashing more water, making Sara squeal and close her eyes. "Sorry."
Sara wiped more foam and water off her face. Tegan giggled. "Umm..." Sara's ears turned red. Tegan only saw that because her hair was tucked behind her ears. "The one that's clearly about me."
"Oh." Tegan knew which one. She meant to write this one in class. She wanted to voice her love and the depression she went through while Sara wasn't around. She desired to reveal it all and expose it.
"It made me cry in my office today. I didn't know you faced that much pain." Tegan felt cold again. "Do they have something to do with it?" Sara touched her left wet arm, rubbing on the ink.
"Mostly it's just about my connection with nature. Sometimes I feel as strong as a tree, sometimes I feel as tender as a flower, sometimes I feel as helpless as a root."
"You are a masterpiece, are you aware of that?" Sara said. She couldn't hold it in any longer. Tegan had always been a masterpiece; that's why she loved drawing her and writing poems about her.
Tegan blushed. Her body was full of goosebumps and her heart was full of love.
Sara reached for the shampoo from the shelf that was above Tegan's head. Tegan looked at the peach scented bottle and smiled. Everything Sara had in her house was peach scented; her candles in the small living room; her moisturizers (the three of them); her body wash; her shampoo; and her deodorant. It's as if Sara was obsessed with this fruit.
"You still love it?" Sara asked. Tegan looked at the water being emptied from the tub slowly, leaving a mountain of foam near the drain.
"Very much, yes. I eat it religiously." It seemed that Sara was aware of Tegan's chilliness. She grabbed the showerhead and adjusted the heat after turning on the faucet. Only when she was satisfied with the heat, she allowed the water to touch Tegan's skin. Tegan relaxed again, escaping a long, happy sigh. "You're gonna wash me?" Tegan laughed a bit.
"Yes," Sara said. "Hold this." She handed Tegan the showerhead and quickly removed her navy blouse. Tegan wiggled her eyebrows, watching Sara's chest clad in one of her old bras. Sara didn't even wait a whole day to try one on. She put on her favourite one this morning and it fit her perfectly. She didn't know her breasts had gotten that full until the cups squeezed them together, giving her a very beautiful view in the mirror this morning. Now that Tegan was around, she thought about wearing sexier underwear. She always loved to tempt Tegan with that.
"Very nice," Tegan said. Her hand tried to reach one breast to squeeze but then she quickly retreated, remembering how sensitive Sara was. "I think you should take your pants off too. You don't want them to get wet."
"Alright." Sara stood up and began to unbutton her dark pants. The thighs were already wet because of Tegan's crazy hand gestures. Sara was wearing cute light blue panties. When Tegan stared at them, Sara thought she was looking at the lines of stitches and the very faint ones of stretch marks near them. Sara felt self-conscious. Tegan was not aware of it.
Sara sat on the ledge again, quickly taking the showerhead and running the water all over Tegan's seated body. Tegan kept looking at Sara's concerned face. Sara was thinking about other things that Tegan couldn't guess.
Sara poured a generous amount of body wash on Tegan's bright orange loofah. Tegan couldn't help but feel intensely awkward when Sara ordered her to stand on her knees so she could clean her body. That was perhaps the most intense thing she and Sara had ever done, even more than sex.
"How bad was it?" Sara asked all of a sudden. She was running the loofah all over her chest and her stomach. "I mean, how hurt did I make you feel?" So that's what she's thinking about.
"It's not your fault," Tegan whispered. Sara's hand was a bit rough. She was scrubbing everywhere; cleaning and going up and down. Tegan felt dirty. Sara was trying to get the dirt off her body. "It was just a very hard time because I loved you so much and I didn't know if you were alive or not."
"I promised I wouldn't interfere and be in your life with that state." And then Sara broke down. Tegan didn't know Sara was going to cry. Sara just broke down out of the blue.
Her sobs were loud.
Tegan wanted to hug her but Sara didn't give her the chance. Sara was cleaning her from behind. Nothing felt more intense than the situation they were in.
"I felt very numb," Tegan started. Sara told her about everything. She read every detail about Sara's sickness from the notebook. It only was fair for her to share what she had been through. "It's like I had no feelings, no emotions, no nothing. I just stayed in bed all day long. I did nothing. I couldn't even do anything because I didn't have enough energy. My mind went on and on and on thinking about everything that happened between us. I was just trying to forget but the more I tried the harder it was. I thought and thought and kept thinking. You know, my feet would shake back and forth when I lay in bed and my head would hurt so bad." It did not matter how Sara touched her and where did she touch her now; she was distracted, trying to remember the feeling. "I can't describe it. How can I describe something so emotionally destructive? How can you describe pain and depression? I just felt it. Sometimes I fell asleep so quickly and woke up twelve hours after. Sometimes I couldn't sleep for three days. I cried and cried and cried and all of a sudden I was laughing. I became incapable of performing the most ordinary things ever. I wasn't able to control my emotions or actions. Everything was all over the place. I was trying to drive and I ended up crashing my car by running it through a wall. I couldn't even drive because I felt like a little ant and everyone was there trying to step above me. My breathing would almost stop at times from the anxiety. Some mornings I spent them puking my guts out and some other mornings I had a terrible stomach ache that I couldn't put anything in my mouth. Sometimes I couldn't chew from the migraine. My right side would hurt so bad that if I opened my mouth I'd scream." She chuckled.
Sara was now washing her hair with that shampoo. She got distracted and forgot to do it before she washed her body. She rubbed her head in circles and Tegan felt her hair getting all tangled instead of being smoothed out. Sara's tears still ran, but she didn't make a sound. "I guess I just wanted to die. I wanted it so much but couldn't do it. And I couldn't love anybody else. I couldn't waste time to stop thinking. I couldn't do anything. I just ran around having sex, thinking I'd be happy like that. I didn't know what to do anymore." But it had gotten a bit better after she settled with Jeremy. She didn't want to tell Sara that, however. Jeremy made her forget about the time, nothing more. Her feelings were still there and were still alive. She still cried, ached, and wished to die. But when Jeremy was around, she managed to live."
Sara was smoothing her hair, rubbing the conditioner on her locks now. "I thought you'd forget me and find someone who treated you better. I thought about it all the time. I didn't know you were feeling that way at all," Sara said.
"I know that now." Tegan sighed. She was very cold again because the water wasn't as hot. She was shivering. "It's in the past. Don't stress over it."
Sara nodded. She grabbed Tegan's brush and brushed her hair after rinsing off the conditioner and soap. "I'm happy you're here. I feel like miracles keep happening to me and I take them for granted. I don't want to take you for granted." Sara considered her as a miracle. Nobody would ever do that. She spent twenty years hating herself and feeling as if she was a burden and there was Sara thinking she's a miracle and a masterpiece. There was Sara loving her and stressing over her.
Sara wrapped the towel around her body and dried her hair with another one. "I hope your stomach feels better today."
"Much better," Tegan said. Her head was being swayed back and forth and she wanted to whine but she didn't. She let Sara do what she wanted to do. She remembered herself when she was very young and her mother still showered her and then dried her hair. She was reliving the same thing but with Sara doing it. She smiled to herself. "I'm not even that dizzy anymore. I was while I was walking but now I'm much better."
"You had something to eat today?" Tegan shook her head. Sara gave her that look.
"I didn't have time," Tegan said. She began brushing her teeth.
"I didn't get you any clothes. Umm..."
"It's okay. I'll get dressed in your room. That's okay?"
"Sure, yes." Sara walked out before her. She reached for a tissue and blew her nose. She cried once again. She had been crying a lot lately; just like when she was younger. She didn't mind it anymore; she didn't want to hide it anymore. That was who she was: an emotional being.
Tegan came inside shivering and shaking. Sara looked up and grinned. "Come here, come here." Tegan ran to Sara's opened arms and closed her eyes as soon as her head touched Sara's chest. Sara smothered the small woman in her arms with gentle kisses on every exposed inch of the corner of her face. She gave her warmth by rubbing both hands up and down her back. "You shouldn't have left without a towel." Sara kissed the sweet-looking pouty lips when the owner looked into her eyes.
Tegan didn't know what was more embarrassing; the fact that Sara washing her body aroused her in the bathroom, or the fact that these tiny kisses made her wetness trail down her thighs. Her eyes slowly widened when she felt the ache increase between her legs. She inched farther from Sara when her phone beeped. She opened a drawer after another in Sara's dresser, trying to figure out where Sara had placed her undergarments. She saw her professor organizing and arranging her clothes in the early morning when she woke up.
"Third drawer," Sara said. Tegan quickly fished out black boxer briefs and a black sports bra. She put them on while not facing Sara. When she turned around, Sara was smiling at her phone. Tegan went to the closet and searched for a warm, comfortable hoodie to wear. "Your side is the left." Tegan looked back and Sara was now smiling at her.
"Stacy texted," Sara said. She looked at her phone and read, "Don't cook, I'm ordering Indian. My treat."
Why? Tegan hummed, not wanting to sound rude.
"Uh, she's asking if we want to be here or at her place," Sara said again.
"Here," Tegan said without even pondering.
"Alright." Sara texted some more. "Okay, I gotta pick Ella up now."
"Why are you doing all that?" then Tegan asked. Her hair was still damp. She raised the hoodie cap over her head.
"Doing what?"
"Taking care of Stacy's child as if it's your responsibility to do so." Sara sat on her mattress and frowned. "Like, why can't Stacy just take her home and shower her and feed her after she returns?"
"Stacy's my best friend."
"Well, Jeremy's my best friend, you don't see him spending all his time here." She only realized how bitchy she sounded and how loud her voice was when Sara's sad pout increased. The corners of her lips pointed downwards. "I'm sorry. I'm just wondering," she whispered.
"Stacy didn't call your mum and ruin what we had," Sara mouthed. Tegan didn't argue. "Stacy's going through a lot. The least I can do is take care of her daughter."
She wished she hadn't raised her voice that much. It was not a good time to discuss that. They agreed calm conversation would solve it all. And there she was angry and jealous and stupid.
"I want to come with you. I don't want to stay here alone." Sara looked up at her student, knowing that the younger woman decided to change the subject. She didn't want to let it go without a proper explanation but she was in hurry.
"I want you to come with me," Sara said. She liked it too much when Tegan was clingy to her. It made her feel loved and important. "I'll just use the bathroom and get dressed."
Her head was spinning when she sat on the toilet. The night before, she and Stacy argued and Stacy ended it by excusing herself out. Now Stacy was sweet through these text messages, hoping her friend had a good day and offering to bring food. Tegan was right; Stacy couldn't just spend all the time with them. And Sara knew that Tegan wasn't a fan of Stacy. There were many reasons to that: Stacy's attitude two years before, Stacy's love for her, Stacy's motormouth, Stacy's silly threats. When Stacy admitted what she had told Tegan two years before, Sara did not scold her nor shout because she was too sick to care. She's just overprotective, Sara kept telling herself. She wants me to be happy and to live the life I always wished for.
When Sara left the bathroom fully dressed in her morning clothes, Tegan was in the kitchen crunching an ice cube in her mouth. "You're gonna hurt your teeth," Sara rebuked.
"I couldn't resist," Tegan said while crunching. She squeezed her eyes shut to bear the cold ice freezing her insides. "I had to. I was craving it."
"I really need to look this up. Who the fuck craves ice? My mum used to eat flowers." Sara was making a sandwich for Tegan.
"Ice is much better."
"Okay. Leave the ice and eat this." Sara handed the sandwich to Tegan. "And I thought you were cold."
"I am." Tegan opened the bread to see what's there.
"Leftover beef stroganoff, yes. You need meat inside that bony body of yours."
"You like them meaty?" A smile appeared on Sara's face hearing that comment.
I like them you, she wanted to say but felt too shy for some reason unknown.
They left the apartment and drove in Sara's car with the radio on. Tegan heard music she was not familiar with. Sara was humming along. She was driving carefully because the snow began to fall again and roads were drenched and frozen. Tegan wore her very large parka to keep herself warm. Sara's car was well-heated but Tegan simply hated winter. She wished it could end but Canada's winter never did.
A thought popped up inside Tegan's head: would she go back to her hometown in the summer again like she did two years ago? Would the same scenario be repeated? Sara wanted to marry her but she didn't really trust Sara's optimistic thoughts until they came true because who knew what could happen till then?
Sara left Tegan alone in the car to go get Ella out. The student messed around in Sara's new car. She was like a kid who couldn't be left alone one second without touching everything. She wrote her initial letter and a plus sign and Sara's initial letter on the window. Then she drew an equal sign and drew a deformed heart. She laughed at her childish gesture. She wondered what was taking Sara so long. She messed with the radio, changing channels until she settled on one that was playing Taylor Swift. She hummed along and chewed on a gum she also found in the car.
She saw Sara walking towards her with little Ella wrapping her arms and legs tightly around Sara's body as the older woman carried her. She felt a tint of warmth inside her tummy when Sara kissed the child's forehead, convincing her to sit in the backseat.
Ella cried and refused to sit there. Her eyes were red and swollen. "Let her sit on my lap," Tegan offered.
"Baby, come on," Sara said. "Let's sit there. We're gonna be home and we're gonna sleep soon." Ella started kicking and screeching.
"What's wrong with her?" Tegan asked.
"Some stupid kid took her toy or broke it, I didn't get it." Sara sighed. She gave up. She stood outside of the car with Ella shaking and crying inside.
"Ella," Tegan said, "wanna sit here with me?" She patted her lap and Ella opened her eyes to look at Tegan's lap. "Come here."
Ella was sniffling when she agreed to sit on Tegan's lap. She didn't want to look at the road ahead so she slept the way she had slept on her mother's lap the night before; with her arms wrapped around Tegan's torso and her legs on each side and her face nuzzled against Tegan's chest.
"I've never seen a kid this moody." Sara sighed again as she began to drive. "Her mum isn't like that. Nor her dad, I guess."
Ella inserted her left thumb in her mouth and closed her eyes. Tegan gasped and giggled.
"Reminds you of someone?" Sara smiled, winking at her girlfriend.
"Yeah." Tegan brushed the child's hair. "But I stopped that. You noticed, right?" She was very proud and happy about that achievement that happened only a year before.
"I did," Sara said. "How?"
"It started with Jeremy snapchatting me and putting it a story. My life was over, basically. I had to do something about it."
"What's that?" I keep hearing a lot about it."
"Snapchat?" Sara nodded. "Oh, it's a fun app. I can't believe you don't know it. I'll download it for you and show you how to use it so we can snapchat each other." Sara was still very terrible with technology, and especially smartphones. When she switched to an iPhone, she called everybody she knew by mistake until Stacy showed her how to use it.
Ella insisted both Tegan and Sara sleep next to her on Sara's mattress when they got home. Tegan didn't even reject; she wanted to hide in bed. She called herself The Queen of the Mattress secretly because it was her infinite love. Tegan loved sleeping more than she loved doing anything, especially these past years.
Ella hugged Tegan's torso from the side and Tegan hugged her in return. "That's not fair," Sara said. "She's already stealing you away from me." Tegan kissed Ella's forehead and stuck her tongue out at Sara, who was next to Ella from the other side. Ella was in the middle between the two women.
Sara was amazed and happy to see Tegan so good with Ella. Tegan didn't hate Ella; only her mother. And it wasn't hate, just some deep dislike for the woman. Tegan was gentle and even more patient than her with Ella. Sara imagined their own kid between them, calling her mummy and calling Tegan mum...or vice versa. It didn't matter to her as long as it was a healthy kid and he or she were their own. She felt too excited that she smiled to herself, showing crooked teeth to invisible air. Tegan watched her beautiful laugh lines and smiled too.
"Tegum," Ella whispered all of a sudden. Tegan and Sara were smiling at each other in silence. Their universe was calm and quiet. Everything was the way it should be and everything felt serene and sane. Everything was alright.
"Yes, El?" Tegan said.
"I'm sorry." Ella had a very thick lisp that she only noticed now. Sara had a lisp too, but she was able to control it most of the times. She herself had a very faint lisp that would be noticeable when she's crying or drunk.
"For what?"
Sara was concerned; there was a pucker between her eyebrows.
"I...I...lo...lost your teddy elephant," Ella stuttered. She wasn't a very good speaker. She was nothing like her mother.
"Oh?" Tegan didn't get what she meant.
"Yes." The child lowered her head. "A boy took it when I was playing with it and with Mrs. Giraffe. He put it in the mud and stepped on it and then threw it far away." Ella started crying.
"Oh, Ella," Sara said, hugging the kid from behind. "That's what happened? I'm sorry, baby. I'll go yell at him tomorrow. You just tell me who he is and I'll make him cry." Then Tegan remembered the stuffed elephant she had gotten for Ella on her birthday. It was a very cute elephant in overalls and a hat. She loved elephants when she was young. She used to call the animal peelo because she couldn't pronounce the name. When she saw the stuffed animal there in the store, she smiled and thought she'd get it for Ella.
Sara seemed worried and anxious. Her face was frozen with thoughts and her hands rubbed Ella's back. Tegan didn't know what to say.
"It's...it's okay, El," Tegan finally pronounced. "I'll get you another one." She looked up at Sara and the professor nodded for her to continue. Ella calmed down as soon as she heard the student's voice. "That boy is mean and he's gonna get hurt because he's mean, alright? Nobody will love him and his parents will be disappointed in him. I'll get you another teddy elephant so you can play with it and with Mrs. Giraffe. Sounds good?"
"Yes," Ella whispered. She nuzzled her nose into Tegan's chest and closed her eyes. Soon she fell asleep, leaving both women there on the mattress next to her.
"Tegan?" Sara whispered.
Tegan hummed and looked at her.
"Come here," she whispered again. "Please."
Sara was patting her own lap while lying on the mattress. Tegan sat up and looked at Sara's lap. A smile appeared on her face, making her sleepy eyes look more beautiful than ever to Sara. She gently departed from Ella's embrace and crawled to the other side of the mattress. She giggled as soon as Sara caught her small frame, replacing her on top.
"Shhh," Sara said with a warm smile. "You don't wanna wake her up." Sara wanted some time alone to love Tegan properly.
"What do you have in mind, professor Clement?" Tegan's lips traveled to the side as a smirk crept its way onto her face.
"I don't go there, Ms. Rain." Sara's voice was sensual and low. "Not with Stacy's kid at least. Mine? Maybe. But Stacy would kill me if we had sex while her daughter is asleep next to us."
"She's so damn protective. She glared at me for saying damn in front of Ella." They were whispering, both curled up on the mattress with Tegan on top. Their heat was making them sparkle with pure love and honest need.
"Yeah. I think that too." Sara paused. She brushed her student's hair off her face. Sara's eyes were a wonderland of everything that's pretty. "We won't be like that with our kid. We'll be really cool mums."
Tegan smiled weakly. She let it go; let Sara daydream loudly and did not interrupt nor argue. She always let it go when it came to Sara. It bothered her.
"I love you so fucking much." Sara breathed on her student's face. Her hands rubbed the back of the younger woman and stopped at her bum. "God, I love you so much," she repeated. She palmed both cheeks and squeezed.
A very faint moan escaped Tegan's lips. Sara was either aware or not aware that Tegan hadn't stopped getting wet since she moved in. It was an epidemic, she liked to believe. She was wet and turned on all the time and now even more. She just wanted to be touched.
"You make me feel stupid things, do stupid things, think of stupid things. You make me daydream and wish and want and need and smile and be so happy and plan and act like a silly little teen, you know." The student's tongue toyed with the piercing underneath her lower lip. She blushed and ached for the mercy of release.
"Do you wanna feel how much I love you?" Tegan asked with a raspy voice and a deep octave.
Sara's head moved up and down. There was no smile on her face, just a look of amazement and wonder. Sara's heart was beating quicker than ever and her toes were numb and her fingertips were all tingly and her stomach was knotted. Something was happening inside her body she was not able to concentrate on.
Tegan's hand took a hold of her lover's warm one. She guided it slowly inside her jeans and underwear. Sara didn't gasp but gulped as the thick wetness met her fingers. Her irises changed in colour; they became darker and full of hidden lust. Only Tegan was able to read the different states of the changing colours of her eyes.
"Your fluids are so thick," Sara commented with deepness darkening her sweet voice. "They're so silky too and so lovely to feel against your pussy."
It's as if they had forgotten where they were until the sleeping child mumbled something in her slumber. Bloody redness smudged their faces when they looked at their side.
"Living room?" Tegan asked.
"Living room," Sara agreed.
In the living room, the sofa surrendered to the suffocation caused by their bodies when they both stood on their bony knees touching and grabbing each other everywhere. Sara's two digits touched Tegan's cheek when she kissed her. Tegan took the two fingers inside her mouth, sucking at that thick wetness that Sara loved. Then they made out and moaned together while their hands played hide and seek inside their clothes and all over their bodies. Tegan was afraid to touch Sara where Sara was scared to be touched. When Tegan inspected, she felt heat but no wetness. She also felt hesitation and nerves so she pulled away and resumed the kisses so her lover wouldn't feel bad about herself. Sara unzipped Tegan's hoodie and palmed both breasts.
"Can't you feel it," Tegan whispered.
"Your nipples?" Sara squinted her eyes. "They're very hard. Want me to suck them?" Tegan's clit jumped. There's something else I want you to suck.
"No, silly," Tegan said instead. "My heart. Can't you feel how it beats when I'm with you? That never happened with anybody else no matter how in lust I was."
Sara attacked her with a passionate kiss. She squeezed one breast, making her moan louder than the times before, muffling the voice of the woman standing at the door with a flushed face and a sweaty brow.
Tegan opened her mouth to speak when she pulled away but she screamed instead. Her face intensified with heat and redness. Sara looked behind and found Stacy standing there with silent eyes staring at them.
"I'm...sorry," she said coldly. Her voice was tight and her looks were scary. "Where's Ella?" she said in a rushed speed this time.
Tegan cursed under her breath. She just wanted to be alone with her lover, yet, to her luck, Stacy happened to live here now. It's as if nothing was bound to make them just be by themselves. She either had to take it with its good and bad or throw it all.
"Asleep in the room," Sara said. Something in her was relieved when she saw Stacy. She didn't want to touch Tegan at this moment. She felt different; she felt an ache in her parts. Her heart wasn't ready for exposure. She knew Tegan was going to try to touch her and she didn't want that. She wanted a very slow process that took time and effort. She felt as if she hadn't been touched before and Tegan was about to take her virginity. She thanked Stacy in her head, hoping her friend would listen.
Stacy rushed quickly to the room. Tegan didn't get the woman's actions. She zipped her hoodie and sighed exasperatedly. Sara was aware of her disappointment and her anger.
The clouds outside had thickened and the snow increased and the living room was gloomy. Sara shut off the blinds and switched on the lamp. Loud sobs were coming closer by the second. Sara looked at her lover as the ticking of the clock was slowly disappearing the more the cries increased.
Stacy came in with her crying daughter in her arms. The friend was shushing the child who wouldn't stop crying. "Look!," Stacy said in a gentle tone. "Here they are." She pointed at Tegan (who was sitting next to her) and then pointed at Sara (who was standing in front of her.) "They didn't leave you and go. You're not alone. They just left you asleep in the living room so they wouldn't wake you up."
"What happened?" Sara asked.
"She thought you were gone and she was left alone," Stacy said. "Here's Sasa. Here's Teetee."
Finally the child stopped crying. Tegan hated being called Teetee by Stacy.
"You're a big girl, yeah? Big girls don't cry."
Sara scanned her friend the entire time they were sitting at the table. Stacy said nothing for the first time ever. Only she and her student were having a very random chat. Tegan tried to say a few words to Ella, who was a bit angry at her for being left alone. Stacy's knuckles were white, clutching her spoon and locking in her breath. Sara saw it all. She blinked, bit her bottom lip, and squeezed her eyes shut. Then she pressed harder on the metal. She didn't eat much.
"What's wrong?" Sara finally asked in the kitchen when they were alone.
Stacy shook her head. She chugged down all the water in her cup and stood at the sink to wash it. "Nothing," she mumbled.
"I'm your best friend. If you're not gonna tell me, who are you gonna tell?"
Her tears started falling and she hoped her friend wouldn't see them. She hoped she'd just be alone. Her heart broke multiple times this day and the last one was just the cherry on top. How did she fool herself into thinking she'd be happy for her friend! And how selfish she was for crying about something like that! Love was a game only certain people were good at and she was not. She promised herself she'd forget that rotten word and would only take care of her daughter till she died. The only love she harboured was supposed to be radiated towards her daughter only. Yet this morning everything felt wrong. She felt as if all her efforts were gone to waste.
"You don't wanna talk, fine. But stop being hard on yourself for a little bit."
She hated how her friend knew her. She always played the tough girl role, saving the shorter woman from any malicious thing. She always put on her hard face and used her sharp tongue. She always got what she wanted with her words. And then today, just at that moment when she walked in and saw her friend there being kissed and touched in such a delicious way, she felt as if she had lost all her powers. Sara won and she was reading her and seeing her and exposing her. Who cares anymore! Who cares anyway! She was only alive for her daughter. I might as well die when Ella grows up and leaves me. Nobody cared. Nobody at all.
Tegan spoke to her mother on the telephone. She hadn't called her for two days. She had a mother who loved her so much; Sara was right. Her mother did not care who she was with, she only cared about her safety. Nevertheless, she was still upset with what her mother did two years before. So she straight away told her mother that she was with Sara with no regrets nor any fright.
"Isn't that the deal you made?" Tegan said. Ella was sitting next to her, staring up at her in wonder. "That if she came back healthy we can be together?"
"Uh...yes." They had talked about this topic the previous week. They mostly yelled at each other.
"Alright. She's healthier than ever. Beautiful, right here, sitting right here in front of me." She smiled at Sara when she placed the three glasses of wine on the table. Sara's smile appeared like magic: all of a sudden and quickly. Ella looked at both of them. Her blue wide eyes sparkled with fascination and awe. She smiled too, showing her missing teeth.
"I'm happy for her," Sonia said. "I really am."
"Thank you."
Stacy came in with her bloodshot eyes. She sat on the sofa that Tegan was sitting on. She took a hold of her daughter and Tegan watched her from the corner of her eyes. Stacy began showering her kid with kisses on her cheeks and forehead.
"What about...um...did she...uh?" Sonia asked.
"Do what she said she'd do?" Sara lifted up her head. She wasn't able to hear the conversation but this particular sentence alarmed her. She placed a glass in front of Stacy, whose attention was fully concentrated on her daughter.
"Yes," Tegan said. Their eyes met.
"I love you," Stacy whispered. "I love you so much." Her daughter giggled.
"Yes," Tegan said again. Sara sat on a chair, her stomach's in knots and her mouth's dry.
"I love you too." Ella kissed her mother's cheek.
"Yes," Tegan said for the third time.
Sara wet her tongue with the taste of wine that she loved so much. She blinked; there was Tegan nodding and saying goodbye to her mother. She blinked again; there was Stacy rocking her daughter to sleep.
The sound of the clock ticked from behind her head as she waited. Thunder erupted in the room all of a sudden but she seemed to be the only one who noticed. Tegan was still talking and Sara wasn't able to tell what she was talking about. Stacy's face was silent and her eyes were teary.
Actually, Stacy was crying and she only noticed when she looked at her again. Ella had fallen asleep.
When Tegan ended the call with her mother, she found Stacy crying. She felt awkward and embarrassed to be sitting there next to her. Sara was asking her what's wrong. Tegan looked at Sara and then at Stacy. Her mum did not say anything about the marriage proposal. Did she ask you to marry her? Yes. Did you say yes? Yes. She didn't say yes but she felt that she should say it to her mother just to see the reaction. Her mother changed the subject. She finally understood that she had no saying in her life. Why didn't it feel so great?
"I'm sorry," Stacy said. "I couldn't control it." Tegan didn't want to look at the woman. That was wrong. It was just wrong. "I got a call from her principal today and she thinks Ella's not normal." Then the woman broke down.
"Not normal?" Sara said loudly. "That's bullshit, Stacy. The kid is a bit quiet and likes to be alone. She's more normal than all of us. Ask Tegan." Tegan didn't want to be put in this position.
"That's what I said. They insist there's something wrong."
"She's getting bullied. You want her to laugh about it and just chill? I used to cry and be alone when I got bullied. She just moved in. Those fuckers need to shut up. They can't force a kid to interact with a bunch of mean kids and claim the kid has issues if she didn't want to."
"But what if she's not healthy or...normal?"
"It's your kid, Stacy. You're gonna love her the way she is. You can't force her to be someone she's not in order to fit in. Look where that had gotten me."
"No, no. Of course not." Stacy wiped a couple of tears. "I just don't want her to be bullied. I want her to be happy. I don't want them to think she's a freak."
"But, I mean...uh..." Tegan hesitated. "She's pretty fine whenever I talk to her. She was just telling me about her old kindergarten and I think maybe the sudden change is shocking her. She probably just hates this new one and isn't used to these kids so she's so isolated. I'm kinda like that. I don't get used to a new place easily."
"You think so?" Stacy was talking to her. The interaction made her uncomfortable, but...but she was part of this circle now, she supposed. She just had to put up with that woman.
"Yeah," Sara answered instead. "I'm actually pretty sure. Those fuckers can suck my penis. I'll go fucking give that old bitch a piece of my mind." With every curse, Tegan saw Stacy's nose wrinkle. It was funny.
It's amazing how her friend still spoke the same way she used to speak when they were just sixteen. Some things never changed and they made Stacy smile.
"Yeah. Look at that smile," Sara winked.
"I'm sorry. I guess worrying about her made me cry." Stacy never cried, even Sara knew that.
When Stacy finally left, Tegan stood at the bathroom's door, watching her lover removing the makeup she had on. She still did not get why Sara was applying concealer or foundation or even eyeliner. Sara was perfect; she didn't need that.
"Why would Stacy even cry so much about something that's so stupid? Obviously there's nothing wrong with Ella," Tegan said.
"I don't know." Sara wiped the make up with a cotton that had an eye makeup-removing gel on it. "I guess she's a mother, you know. I mean, we can't really feel the way she's feeling because we're not mothers."
"No," Tegan walked back and forth just outside the bathroom. "She's crying because she saw us kissing not because of Ella. It's obvious."
Sara looked at the younger woman with a raised brow. "Why do you think that?"
"Because she's so in love with you and she's jealous?" Sara chuckled and shook her head. She started washing her face. "What?" Tegan huffed. "Look, I'm not a fan of Stacy. I don't like her. I don't want her barging in at any minute without a warning. You giving her a key when you were living here alone is something else from you giving her a key when I'm living here with you. I'm sorry, but if you want me to be here and be with you we're gonna have to follow my rules too, not just yours."
Sara looked at her own face in the mirror as her eyes widened. "We're gonna go house hunting next week by the way. We're not gonna live here. This is too small. I want a good house for us. Nice and big. With a garden and rooms."
"Don't change the subject," Tegan said. She was standing still inside the bathroom now. "I'm not a kid. I'm not stupid. Stacy doesn't like me and I don't like her. I want to live comfortably. I could have been naked when she walked in."
"She wasn't supposed to come back this early." Sara felt so weak all of a sudden. Her heart raced and drummed. She was standing in front of someone else. And why the fuck she liked feeling this weak around her? She never thought she would.
"Don't change the subject," Tegan said again with gritted teeth. "I'm not gonna pretend I like someone who did not only threaten to scratch my face if I didn't form a family with you when I was just fucking nineteen, but she did not even allow me to say a final goodbye. Oh, and she's in love with you and she's your first. I'm a jealous person too."
Sara laughed. She laughed too loudly. Too fucking loudly.
Why? Why couldn't she ever win? One minute she felt she was reaching somewhere, making Sara fear her and the next Sara was laughing at her. It was always going to be this why. She was always going to let it be this way.
"I know about that. She told me. It was a lie by the way. She did nothing to Katina and did nothing to Jack. Katina would shave off her hair before she can even speak one word to her. And Jack? He would make her cry with his words. Stacy is just all talk. She can't even argue with you. You'd drag her down, basically. You'd make her wish she hadn't opened her mouth. If you actually know Stacy you'd just feel bad for her," Sara explained while putting an anti-wrinkles cream all over her brow
"I don't care about her to feel bad for her." Tegan's hands were on her hips.
Sara sighed. "Yes, Stacy loves me. Stacy can be mean and annoying. She talks a lot and says things that don't make sense. But she's a good person and I'm not gonna change this opinion. If I leave Stacy alone, she will hurt herself, at least for now. She's dealing with a lot right now. I'm afraid she's becoming a nun soon. I think dating or love isn't in her book anymore. She's frightened of all that. She only cares about Ella right now. She had to move here because she was married to a fucked up, controlling freak, abusive douchebag that we all knew about but she liked to deny it until she couldn't live with him anymore. All she does if she's alone is cry and knit. She likes to make you think she's the toughest but she's not. I swear till last year I thought nobody was able to defeat Stacy. It was just an act."
"And how is it my fault that she has a shitty life and a bad marriage? I have to be nice to her because she has some sob story?"
"You're still so selfish," Sara yelled. She didn't want to, but she did. She slammed the blue cream bottle against the counter and glowered. "Did you forget you cheated? Did you forget Jeremy calling your mother? Did you forget your mother making a fucking bargain over you and me? Did you forget Emy? Did you forget you sleeping with Jeremy for a year? Or the fact he's still your best friend and I don't even mention it? You think I don't get jealous? I hate that man. I hate him so much but I'm willing to sacrifice for your own happiness, dear." The last word was loud and felt sarcastic.
"I did not forget any of that. Don't twist my words."
They were both yelling. Their eyes were two dark flames staring at one another.
"I know I was shitty and I know I hurt you and I know Jeremy did this. But he did it because he fucking loved me and cared about me and didn't want me to get hurt."
"Good," Sara said calmly. "Now imagine it's Stacy and me. Except we haven't slept together the past year and she did not even do anything to break us up. She didn't let you enter because she didn't want you to hurt me. Same motives. Same exact motives except my friend didn't stand in our way like your friend did."
Tegan didn't know what to say anymore. She stayed quiet for some seconds.
"My friend standing in our way isn't important now that I am here at your place," Tegan whispered when Sara looked at the mirror again.
Sara was brushing her teeth now.
"At the end it all worked out well. I mean, my mum was just asking me if you proposed like you two agreed and if I said yes or no."
Sara paused the motion of the toothbrush. She turned around and removed the toothbrush from her mouth. "And what did you say?" Sara asked, with toothpaste covering her teeth and lips.
"Unfortunately, yes," Tegan said, rolling her eyes.