Author's note: mean, offensive stuff are said. Lots of sweat, blood, and tears.
"It's umm…Adam, Audrey's brother?" Sara was dreading this moment. She had been thinking about it for the past three weeks when she had finally come to a conclusion on who she would like to have as a sperm donor. She knew it was not solely her own decision; Tegan would have to have a saying as well, but she thought she'd have an option she could project as well. She had clear and strong reasons why she wanted her cousin to be the donor. "Before you attack, that's just my option, I know you can have your own option since you're the one carrying, I know I don't have a saying in this, but please, Tee, please hear me out."
"Okay," Tegan said, sitting up straight; nude and shivering. "Talk."
Sara would have sat up as well but the effect of her orgasm was still strong, making her body numb. "I just wish it's someone related to me because I want the baby to have my genes as well. I actually talked to Adam, I just took his opinion, wanted to know if he'd be up for it."
"You asked him before asking me." Tegan nodded, staring at her exposed thighs.
"Yeah," Sara admitted. "Because I didn't want us to make a plan and be ready and then I'd ask him and he wouldn't be up for it. I just called him and talked about it, I said would you help us if we decided to conceive? You know, I just wanted to know what his thoughts would be."
"And he agreed," Tegan said.
"He said he wouldn't mind it if we chose him. I didn't tell him we did because we didn't, but, you know, I'd be happy if we choose him."
Tegan hummed, biting a thin lip while staring anywhere but unnerved Sara's direction. "I have nothing against your cousin, but isn't that too weird? He's your cousin, Sara!"
"Yeah? Why weird?"
"That's like me sleeping with your brother. Like having sex with someone you're related to and having a kid with them." Sara laughed, she couldn't resist not to. It was quite adorable seeing Tegan think of it this way. She was scared Tegan would disapprove for different reasons, but not for this one. Though, it was normal to think of it this way. Tegan was young; she had to remind herself that. She would have thought it was peculiar if she was Tegan's age.
"First of all, he's not my brother. Second of all, it's not any better than thinking of another man having sex with you then knocking you up. It's the same if I thought of it this way. Third of all, I don't think of it this way because I'm the one who's gonna fill that sperm in you, honey. He'll be nowhere near you. He'll just give us some of his sperm. Actually, he'll give the bank some, because, you know, you might not actually get pregnant from the first try and I don't want him to keep traveling here a lot. So yeah, we'll take some whenever we want and do the thing. We can do it at the doctor's or I can do it at home. You'll just have to lie there, come, and woop…I push it in."
"You make it seem so simple," Tegan stated in bewilderment.
"It is simple, darling." Sara massaged her lover's thighs; they were soft and delicious-looking. She'd ask for another orgasm if they weren't talking about something serious and urgent.
"It's not weird at all? I mean he's your cousin!"
"I don't mind it." Sara shrugged. "But you have the freedom of choice, Tegan. You can choose whoever you want and we'll think of him." As long as he was not Jeremy, Sara would be fine with her choice. She promised herself to give Tegan the freedom of choice, no matter what the man looked, no matter what his personality was. After all, she couldn't help but feel that she's forcing her into this, and she didn't want to enforce that decision on her as well. "Or if you want an anonymous donor?" Though she really wished Tegan would be okay with Adam. Adam was handsome; he had most of Sara's traits. They looked so much alike that everyone thought they were siblings when they saw them together.
"I just want a good looking, smart, and nice man. I want my kid to have those traits."
"It's fair enough."
"Is Adam good looking?" Tegan asked again, left hand on Sara's abdomen, tracing the faint lines of stitches here and there.
"I think he is. I can tell him to send a picture."
"Doesn't he have a Facebook or something?" Sara laughed. "I'm serious. I have to stalk before that."
"Yeah. Just search Adam Clement. You'll find him. You'll know him immediately."
Sara got out of the bed after a few minutes while Tegan began her stalking through her cell phone. Sara went to the bathroom; peed, washed her vulva with warm water to get the stickiness of the peach off her folds, washed her face, brushed her teeth, and moisturized her skin. Her orgasm still buzzed in her mind when she saw the half eaten peach on the nightstand. She picked it carefully and walked to the kitchen in nudity to throw the peach away. She felt guilty she used a fruit for her pleasure, she didn't know why. Sometimes after sex she felt guilty and disturbed with her lust-filled ideas. As long as she was horny, she was insane. She walked back to her room and put on a large purple T-shirt she confiscated from Tegan. She truly wanted to wear her black and rose-gold babydoll, but she felt dirty even though she had washed up. Plus, she was not sure whether Tegan would laugh at the stuff she wore to bed or not notice, or, perhaps, she wouldn't be much into that type of lingerie.
"Did you find him?" Sara asked. Tegan was still topless, seated on the mattress. Sara wanted to change the sheets. Something within her couldn't settle and sleep the night if she hadn't changed them.
"Oh, yeah," Tegan said with a smirk.
"And?" Sara pulled the sheets from under her. "Move your butt, love. I need to change the sheets." Tegan got up, still holding her iPhone, focusing with intense concentration on her screen.
"He's very handsome?" Tegan asked, finally looking up at Sara. "And, like, very hot." She swallowed, making the professor laugh. "He has a girlfriend?"
"Yeah," Sara said, stripping off the mattress.
He indeed looked a lot like Sara, it was strange how there was a male version of her woman. She scrolled through his pictures with a beating chest. His eyes were terrifyingly attractive and his smile was simply alluring. Any girl would fall for such looks. He had green eyes; very beautiful green eyes which Sara did not have, nor herself, nor anybody she knew. Though her eyes leaned towards a greenish color after she cried sometimes, they were still classified as hazel.
He also seemed active. He was an editor in a magazine in NYC at the current moment. Tegan didn't spot any girl in his pictures and she wondered how he was single. He was only four years older than Tegan. He seemed vigorous, cared about many causes and volunteered in humanitarian matters occasionally.
"She'd be okay with him being the father of somebody else's child?" She asked carefully. If she was his girlfriend she would say no.
"He's the donor, not the father," Sara said, spreading the light blue sheets that Tegan loved on her mattress. Those sheets were Sara's when she was a teenager; her mother had brought them when she visited a few months before. "He will have nothing to do with the baby. He'll sign the paper that he won't be in the kid's life. We will be the mothers and we will be the only responsible ones. Yes, biologically, he is the...father…" Sara air-quoted. Her lips turned upside down. Oh, fuck, there it was, it was the famous frown before the tears. "But…but I don't want my kid to be confused having many parents." Sara sighed. "I don't want to be abandoned," she whispered.
"Nobody will abandon you." They were not even pregnant yet and Sara was feeling left out. Tegan had not known that Sara's jealousy was this deep. Or maybe it was some feeling she could not comprehend; something that had to do with wanting to be a mother so badly. "In fact, I'll probably throw the kid at you all the time. If you could breastfeed him or her, I'll be more than happy."
But Tegan was scared. What if her kid became an orphan one day? No, no, no…stop it. She wanted to scold her brain. What if they needed something that made them want their biological parents? Blood? A kidney? God, anything. What if Sara…no…no…no.
"God, if there is such a technology, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't remove that kid from my breasts." Tegan wrinkled her nose as soon as she turned her face towards the closet. Why? She wondered, what's so great about a baby's mouth on your nipples? That sounds disgusting and horrible.
She grabbed her pajamas and turned around. She removed her soiled underwear and did not bother putting on another one. Her shorts were enough, she thought. She would have to shower in the morning though. Right now, she just needed to wash up and brush her teeth then fall into a deep, calming sleep. She had so much to do in the morning. But before that, she had to give Sara her final decision.
"Okay. We'll go with Adam. Tell him about it."
"Really?" Sara asked confoundedly.
"Yup." She would rather Adam than a stranger, just in case….in case something happens…anything.
The week passed rather quickly than expected by both the student and the professor. Finals and due dates made Tegan unable to shower for days, which made Sara groan when they went to bed and her lover had a terrible smell.
"I'll shower tomorrow, I promise," Tegan muttered with a faint giggle as she faced her pillow.
"If you don't, I'll push you there myself. I can only smell sweat right now and I just showered," Sara said with gritted teeth.
She too had been working nonstop, which made her more grumpy than usual. The new position was not all fun and games. She had to attend meetings and conferences till late hours of the evening. She would come home exhausted, ready to crash instantly without even feeding her hungry stomach; however, for three days straight she returned home to find Ella and Tegan causing havoc in her little apartment. The first day she and Tegan argued about the mess, but Tegan laughed and mocked the way she did when they went to bed and Sara scolded her about her smell. The second day Sara called Stacy and told her to come get her daughter. Stacy laughed and mocked as well. The third day Sara cried alone in the room until Tegan apologized and cleaned the place. But when Tegan went to bed with her terrible smell, Sara felt like crying again. Sometimes she just wanted a foot rub, some care, someone to spoil her; but lately she'd been seeing the opposite. Her suspicion that Tegan was doing that on purpose rose when Tegan refused to go to the medical center on Thursday, deciding, instead of saying a simple no, to throw a tantrum about not wanting to be examined.
"Stop saying I'm not a kid and I'm an adult. I get it. I just don't want to…and I have so much shit to do, okay? Like, I have to fucking finish the stupid thing you're making us write. The due date is tomorrow." And tomorrow was the final university day for both Sara and Tegan. Sara sat on the couch and sighed. Maybe her lover was feeling nostalgic. She, too, had felt nostalgic upon graduation, but she didn't recall being in such a terrible mood or throwing fits like the one Ella threw.
"But baby, you have to." She also tried to be soft and patient. She knew that yelling and force would get her nowhere with Tegan. "You have to be thoroughly examined because we're starting in few weeks. Tee, come on."
"I don't want people to shove things up my vagina." Tegan frowned. Before Sara could open her mouth, Tegan shot, "Don't you fucking dare say I'm a grown up and I need to stop making a fuss about it. You fucking don't like it, too. Okay?"
"Okay." Sara nodded. Her patience was running low. "But you're not gonna get a pap smear this time, Tee. You've already done that. Just regular tests. Blood tests. Regular examinations."
"I'm not in the mood." Tegan simply shrugged while typing on her keyboard.
Sara left her afterwards. She went to their room and closed the door. She read a little bit, texted Stacy about Tegan's tantrum, then decided to write…about Tegan.
A few sentences after none other than Tegan came inside. Sara sighed when she looked at her.
"Let's go," Tegan said.
"Are you serious?"
"I'm sorry. Sometimes I'm just moody, okay?" Tegan stretched her arm for the professor to take her hand. "I think I'm getting my period."
"No, Tegan." Sara slammed her notebook and continued, "Don't always blame it on that. It's like you do it just because you're menstruating, as if you have to in order to forcefully experience the PMS everyone talks about. You do it on purpose, not because it's actually true that women tend to be bitchy when their cycle is close."
"Wow, thanks." Tegan rolled her eyes. "You obviously don't remember how you probably were when you still functioned like every other woman."
Sara's eyebrows rose. She took a deep breath and nodded, wanting so much to cry but resisting with all the power within her. "Neither do you," she simply uttered, standing up erectly.
"Shit, Sara, I'm sorry." She bit on her lower lip, but Sara could not stare at her face more than that second.
"Let's just go."
"Sara, I'm sorry," Tegan repeated.
"Let's go," Sara said shortly.
They did not talk to each other that day more than a few words here and there. Tegan hated the amount of tests and exams she had to do all in one day. When it was Sara's turn, Sara cried. She knew Sara didn't cry because of the pain or discomfort, she knew those were her words that made Sara cry. Dr. Anderson apologized but Sara shook her head and said it was okay. Dr. Wilson said she was going to call with Tegan's test results, but Sara was fine and did not need to worry. As long as Sara was fine, Tegan didn't care.
At night Tegan apologized to Sara a number of times. Her guilt couldn't wash itself away. Whenever Tegan said sorry, Sara changed the subject or said something remotely related. They didn't face each other while sleeping, even though Tegan was sure she smelled good because she had been showering for the past two days.
Sara was upset with her lover's words, but she couldn't do anything about them because they were actually true. She was not really functioning like any other woman, no matter how much she tried to convince herself. She just wasn't. It had been much better lately but the differences were still present. She did not get a cycle and as much as any woman would love that, she knew deep down that most women cherished these cycles because it made them feel young, normal, lively, and feminine. Was there anything pretty about dead ovaries and a dead uterus? She really didn't know how other women felt about it but to her it was a big deal, an issue she yet had to overcome.
What made her annoyed with herself mostly was the fact she had planned something special in her head since they bought the new toys. Being angry at Tegan made it hard to proceed with her plan, but knowing it was the last day Tegan was probably going to spend in this university made her eager to continue despite her hurt feelings.
She decided to continue, but also decided to stay upset. That was a lot like her lover's childish personality, but she didn't care. She was allowed one or two childish moments as well.
She texted Tegan to follow her to the office after ten minutes from her arrival there. She began correcting some of the papers handed to her today. The sooner she finished, the sooner she focused on their house. She had already contacted a construction and interior finishing company to work on her new house without Tegan's knowledge. Whenever Tegan whined about being too busy to continue their house decorations, Sara told her not to worry. She wanted it to be another surprise.
"Sara, I'm so sorry," Tegan said as soon as she came inside. Sara was sick of the apology.
She stood up and sighed. She went to the door, locked it then closed the curtains.
"Umm…are we gonna?" Tegan asked. Sara did not give her any response. She began removing the items on her wooden desk, one after the other. She was not careless enough to throw them on the floor like she had seen men do in porn when they were about to fuck their students. She shivered, remembering her teenage days and the type of sexist porn she used to get off to.
"Lie down," Sara said.
"Do you forgive me?" Tegan asked.
"Lie down," Sara repeated. "You have a fantasy, I'm making it reality."
"Not when you're angry at me, it's no fun." However, Tegan did sit on the desk. "Sare…"
"Just shut up. I'm still mad at you, but I'm gonna fuck you because I want to." That made Tegan swallow and shudder. Did she like it like that? Was Sara serious? Were they playing? She didn't care anymore as soon as Sara removed both her jeans and briefs in one swift movement. "Don't dare make any sound. Bite on my hand." Sara put her hand close to Tegan's mouth.
Then Sara lowered down her pants and her grey Calvin Klein briefs. Sara had never worn briefs or boxers or any androgynous underwear despite her outer appearance. But Sara was strapped, and had been strapped throughout the day. That toy was between her legs in class, while she talked to her students, while she talked to other professors, and while she said goodbye to everyone. That alone made Tegan begin to pool on the mahogany desk beneath her.
She was afraid Sara was going to simply stick that pink toy in her without any affection or any emotions, but Sara was never like that. She kissed her, after two days of not being kissed, Sara finally kissed her and touched her. They hadn't had sex since the week before and she hadn't even touched herself. Her body was tender, she could start at any moment, she knew it. Her body hurt as well, she was exhausted with all the studying and thinking she had done. Not only that but her upper left wisdom tooth ached her all night long and she had been living on painkillers for the past three days, waiting patiently to remove it and get rid of all her wisdom teeth. She was supposed to take them out the semester before, but she promised herself she would do it after graduation, and now she had to do it. They had an appointment in five days. She hoped she could last till then, the pain was getting worse.
Sara didn't remove her shirt, but she did sneak her hand in there and cup her sore breast through her thin bra. She stroked her folds and dipped between her slit till her wetness thickened and her core ached.
Sara cupped her mouth before pushing in, knowing the kind of voices Tegan would pronounce in the very inappropriate time and place. So Tegan indeed bit on Sara's hand and Sara wanted to cry. This toy was much better, Sara could tell without Tegan having to declare it. The younger woman's eyes were full of lust, need, and pleasure. Pushing and pulling was easy as well. Sara circled her clit and thrust in her.
For Tegan, it was the rush of doing it in such a prohibited place that made her reach the edge quickly and feel the touches deeply. Though Sara was angry at her, she could still feel the genuine tenderness and ripe love seeping out of her breaths. She loved this toy so much; she knew this was going to be the one that made her yearn for penetration from now on. They could just throw that big dildo away and keep this one only, maybe buy another one like it. But maybe she would need it after having a kid, she hoped not. She wondered if Sara would love the new toy too, she hoped she would. She didn't know when it was her turn to do Sara with it, but sometimes it was too hard to top Sara, to surprise her and dominate her. She could only be in control of Sara when Sara was feeling weak and self-conscious, and that's certainly not what she wanted for Sara. Plus, she probably couldn't touch Sara when Sara didn't speak one word to her unless she wanted to.
That night Stacy and her daughter (or mostly Stacy) decided to invite themselves over for a movie and pizza. Sara and Tegan had still not talked, not even after the sex or tidying the office together again or grocery shopping. Tegan had sought her mother for complaints and whining about her teeth instead of Sara, and Sara corrected papers all day till their company arrived.
Since there was a child in the house, they were stuck with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was not bad except that Tegan could barely eat anything on the left side and could barely move her mouth due to the swelling that was increasing because of one inflamed gum.
"Why don't you just take her to the doctor to remove it tomorrow?" Stacy asked Sara while Tegan pushed an ice bag on her cheek and whined throughout the film.
"She called her doctor and he told her that the whole area is inflamed. It has to heal before taking the tooth out." Sara said.
"He gave me antibiotics and painkillers but they're not working," Tegan said. "It keeps getting worse because half of it is broken."
"You broke your wisdom tooth?" Stacy asked while chewing the delicious, gooey, hot pizza without any sympathy towards the younger woman whose stomach gurgled but mouth couldn't move.
"Yeah, because she overthinks at night and presses her teeth together while asleep."
"Oh, yeahhh. Your mum used to do that, remember?"
"Yes," Sara mumbled.
"Such a bad habit," the friend commented.
One of many, Sara wanted to say but decided not to increase the growing tension between them. She couldn't believe they had become like those couples she used to make fun of; they always had issues and fought then you'd find out the mother pregnant one day and you would wonder how did it happen? When did they even fuck? They hate each other, Sara used to tell Jack about their friends. They just have sex because they're horny and then stay angry at each other? That's weird; I don't think I can have sex with you if I'm angry at you. That was ironic, because only awhile later she became like those couples. She had sex just because she had to, sometimes she didn't even want it but Jack did, she never said no. And today she had sex while being angry and the sex didn't really fix it, she was still angry. If she was a man, she could have knocked up Tegan, like those couples she made fun of in her twenties.
"Look at my daughter cuddled up to you. She forgets me when you're around," Stacy addressed Tegan when Sara's phone rang and she had to walk out of the room to talk.
Tegan stared at the four-year-old child with her thumb in her mouth and her arm around Tegan's stomach, eyes fixed on the television. "She's my little friend," Tegan said with a made-up kid's voice.
"Tegan," Sara announced as soon as she entered the room again. "That was Dr. Wilson."
Tegan had not expected a call from the doctor at this time. She furrowed her brows at Sara, whose face seemed grave and weary.
"She said we have to visit tomorrow urgently."
"Why?" Tegan sat up, making Ella sit with her. "Did she tell you why?"
"Sara, oh, God," Stacy said. "Did she tell you what's wrong? You said your results are fine…"
"It's not me. It's Tegan."
"What?" Tegan had not expected that.
"Look, she said we don't have to worry but we have to go, but, like, she said it's kinda related to your health and it's serious and the reason she called now because she had to speak with Dr. Anderson, too…and it's something related to both of them I guess?"
"Why didn't she call me? Why did she call you instead?"
"Tegan, come on, that's not the time to focus on that."
"Ella, come on, babe. Time to go. It's bed time." Stacy stood up. She wrapped her lilac scarf around Ella's wriggling body. She didn't want the night breeze to hit her child.
"No…no, why did she have to call you? Maybe I don't want you to know? Maybe it's personal?" Stacy looked up at both of them. Her friend was beginning to lose her temper, she could easily tell.
"I don't wanna goooo. I wanna stay with Tegum. I don't wanna go. You go." Ella hugged Tegan's body, but Tegan did not give her any attention.
"Are you actually serious now? Not want me to know? It's personal? God help me with you, Tegan. I should get a reward for tolerating the bullshit you keep spewing out of your mouth. God…"
"Shush," Stacy said. "Stop it." Tegan had started sobbing heavily while Sara scolded. "She's crying, stop this. Stop it."
"Go, Stacy," Sara said coldly. "Don't get in the middle of this, please."
"Then don't yell at her in front of me. Don't fight in front of me or my daughter if you don't want me to get involved," she whispered reproachingly. "Come on, Ella. If you don't come, no candy for a week."
"Don't cry, Teetee. Don't cry." Ella kissed her cheek and hugged her, but Tegan couldn't stop crying. She had never felt so small, so stupid, and as abandoned as now. "But mummy, she's crying," Ella whined. "I don't want candy. I want Teetee to stop crying."
Stacy couldn't answer that. She stood there, watching a show she didn't like to watch. She had not thought her friend would ever sound so harsh to her beloved one. Sara had never been like that, it was her who played that role and most of the times she didn't like it, all of them she regretted it. She shook her head at Sara once again. Sara walked up to her fiancée. Both of her arms encircled the small shaking form, her lips came in contact with the wet face. But Tegan didn't yield to her kisses or her affection.
"Ella, you should go with your mum. I'll make her feel better."
"No, you're mean." Ella stuck her tongue out.
"Ella, honey, you should go. I'm fine. I stopped crying." Tegan wiped her tears quickly. She wanted Stacy to get out of the place as soon as possible. She wanted the show to stop.
Tegan heard Stacy tell Sara 'Calm down' before leaving. Sara said nothing in return. Tegan took a deep breath and started walking towards the bedroom.
"Tegan, we need to talk," said Sara.
"Talk with your own reflection since you can barely tolerate the bullshit I spew out of my mouth." She took off her black hoodie and jeans. She reached for her bra and unclasped it from beneath her wife-beater, leaving it fall on the floor then kicking it with her foot.
Sara picked up the black bra and put it on the dresser. "It hurt me what you said yesterday."
"And you had to punish me by yelling in front of Stacy!" Tegan hopped into bed and closed her eyes.
"No." Sara sat beside her. "I'm so worried. It really hurt me that you said you don't want to tell me. Isn't that what you always preached? That in relationships we share the burden? We're one? And look at you now, you're being like me." Sara began to cry. "And God, now I'm so anxious and so worried and I don't know how to fucking hide it from you or be strong because this is not me, it's you."
Tegan put her hand on Sara's knee. She felt anxious, too; but she didn't think there was something terribly bad. If it was the opposite and Sara was in her place, she would be crying at the moment. "Let me sleep."
"Tegan?"
"Yes."
"I didn't mean to yell at you in front of Stacy. I know you hate that."
"It's just Stacy, I don't care anymore."
"I'm sorry."
"Okay," said Tegan, closing her eyes again. Her head ached because the nerve of her wisdom tooth felt as if it was tearing apart each nerve in her brain. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.
Sara didn't close her eyes at all. In fact she prayed. Yes, Sara stayed in bed and prayed. When Tegan woke up at dawn to use the bathroom, Sara was praying and crying. She had not ever wanted to be cruel to her lover. She was not like that. Tegan's words hurt her, but she knew they were spoken out of anger, fear, and irritation. Tegan was too young to weigh the words her tongue would carry out of her mouth, if only she could remind herself that. But that's not why she cried; it was the fear that Tegan's health was not well that made Sara unable to close an eye. Her heart stung all night long as memories attacked her. She had never felt so worried about anybody other than Alice and now Tegan. She didn't want to lose anyone. God, not anymore. God, make me die before all of the rest.
"Did you even sleep?" Tegan asked.
"I can't. I'll sleep. Go back to sleep."
"Don't worry. Everything is fine. I know it. We'll have a baby."
"What do I care about a freaking baby if you're not healthy?" She cried more but Tegan couldn't believe that Sara cared about her health. It was the baby and the faint possibility of not being able to conceive that terrified her—Tegan was sure of that.
Sara took a relaxed, long breath of comfort when Dr. Wilson assured them it wasn't anything dangerous.
"I had to get you down quickly so we can begin the treatment since you're planning to conceive soon," said the doctor.
"Treatment of what?" asked Tegan.
"Iron deficiency anemia," responded the doctor.
"Till now?" Sara said.
"Unfortunately." The doctor looked at the heaps of papers on her desk. "Tegan, Tegan…" She sighed. "Where to begin with you?" She looked up at Tegan, smiling. Tegan despised those fake smiles. "Guess how much your hemoglobin level is?"
Tegan rolled her eyes, without giving an answer.
"Ten again?" Sara asked. Tegan had finally made her red blood cells reach the normal, healthy level of twelve the previous months. The fertility pills were helping her eat. The last time Tegan tested was two months ago. Going back to the low rate was far from what Sara expected, because Tegan was gaining color in her face and weight on her body. She didn't look like a pale skeleton anymore.
"It's seven." Sara's mouth went wide open with surprise and Tegan's brows furrowed.
"Is that even normal? I mean only people who have excessive bleeding or pregnant women actually reach this rate," Sara remarked.
"All her tests are fine. There is no internal bleeding, nothing out of the ordinary; she's perfectly healthy. I did talk to your gynecologist, Tegan. It's probable you have a heavy cycle, which causes that. Do you still feel dizzy? Nauseated?"
"My cycle is alright, I assure you." Tegan had a rather atrocious attitude when she spoke to Dr. Wilson. Sometimes it amused Sara, other times, like today, it vexed her. "And yes, I do, at times. But it's been like that since I was, I don't know, sixteen."
"Her cycle is heavy," Sara said. "She still faints. She fainted two weeks ago in the shower."
"What are you, my period monitor?" Sara did not smile.
"This is serious, Tegan. You can't ridicule everything regarding your health. I'm not here to criticize your body or your health. I'm trying to help you. You want to carry in about a month and this will hurt you and the coming baby."
Tegan nodded. She still had no idea what anything had to do with the other. She wanted to go home. She wanted to go home and she was ready to cry about it the way Ella had cried about not wanting to go home the previous night. Her tooth ached. Her head hurt. Her cramps worsened this morning. That God Sara was praying to the night before surely hated her.
"The treatment is easy and quick. You will have five sessions of blood transfusion. Two injections in each session." Tegan's eyes widened. "Intravenous injections, Tegan. The session is about half an hour in the ER."
"It's not scary, don't worry. I've done it many times before," Sara assured. "The iron supplements are not useful anymore, are they?"
"They certainly are," confirmed the doctor. "But she needs a faster method that would get her blood back to the required level, then she should continue with the pills. She will have two sessions each week. So she should be done in the third week from now, right before you guys get married, right?" Sara smiled. She had already planned it all with Tegan's family and her friends. She called Adam and told him to show up, she told Stacy, she told Sonia and Stephen. Sara didn't want to tell Tegan she was preparing a wedding dinner on the day of Tegan's university graduation. They had agreed they would go to court and sign the papers that day. Tegan thought her parents were coming for her graduation only. Sara was excited about that. She didn't want anything to ruin it.
"Also," the doctor added, "you will follow the diet I'm going to prescribe strictly." Mary Wilson smirked at whiny Tegan. "It has everything, so don't worry. But you need to focus on the portions."
"That's what you always say," Tegan mumbled. The doctor laughed amusingly.
"Stop whining. Now go change so I can show you something," the doctor ordered.
"What is it?" Sara asked.
"Go change and call us in when you're ready, Tegan." Sara sighed when Tegan left. "She's a handful," the doctor whispered.
"Is she okay?" Yes, she knew it was hard to handle Tegan but she was not going to confirm that to anybody than herself, not to the doctor, to her friends, to Stacy, to anybody. She was the only one allowed to complain about Tegan, and Tegan was the only one allowed to complain about her, too. They both were not rainbows and sunshine all the time; both of them were complex in their own ways, both of them needed to carry one another when one was down. It was a mutual work; nobody should dare make fun of it.
"She's fine, but I want to tell you guys about something Dr. Anderson and I have been worried about for awhile."
"What is it?" Sara hated suspense, she despised delay, she couldn't sit in her seat anxious and worried till whoever held the information decided to spit it out.
"I'm ready," Tegan entered the small room in the examination gown. Sara and the doctor stood up to walk to the examination room connected to the small, bright office the doctor sat in.
"Okay, Tegan, lie down and cover yourself." And so Tegan did. Sara walked up next to her with a careful, lopsided smile that was not reciprocated.
"I've been discussing your test results with Dr. Anderson for awhile, Tegan. Do you recall when we talked about that sudden bleeding you faced about a year ago after your car accident?"
"Yes." The doctor lifted the gown up, revealing the younger woman's tensed pale stomach.
"Dr. Anderson had discovered the reason behind this bleeding so when I talked to her about it, she told me she would have to run some tests to make sure you are completely healthy before talking to you about it."
Sara held Tegan's hand when Tegan flinched as the doctor put some cold gel on her stomach. "Tegan, the reason you were bleeding was not because of shock. You had an endometrial cyst and it had ruptured inside your body. I believe the accident had something to do with the bleeding coming out of the body since it was most certainly internal bleeding only."
"Seriously?" Sara asked. "Is she okay? But…"
"She's fine," the doctor cut the professor off. "Tegan, look at the screen."
"What the hell is an…whatever that was? Like what's that? Is that dangerous?"
Sara was shaking while holding Tegan's hand. "Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not." She had had a number of those, one of them was cancerous and after that one her body was never the same. "Almost every woman gets one, sometimes you don't feel it, sometimes you do. It goes away on its own sometimes, other times it ruptures or bursts and that's when you need to see a doctor."
"So she should have seen a doctor back then?" Sara asked.
"I think it would have been better if she had seen one. But since the bleeding and pain disappeared quickly, it was not that necessary."
"But it's a cysts. It could have been…" Sara sighed.
"It could have been cancerous, yes." Tegan looked at her distressed lover. "That's what we were trying to figure out, whether she has an issue or not, whether more of these will pop all of a sudden and cause her problems in the future or not." Tegan felt lost, very lost. "See, Tegan. That's your left ovary. The tiny sack. That's where the cyst grew." Tegan could see and understand almost nothing, but she nodded anyway. "You are fine, and healthy. You don't have to worry." Tegan looked up at Sara's puzzled face again. Today her hair was wrapped in a tiny ponytail. She looked different, but fresh.
"Will she be able to get pregnant? I couldn't…"
"Sara," the doctor said loudly, "stop worrying. This is a different case. You had issues since you were young. You had multiple cysts, yours were cancerous. We made sure everything is fine, don't worry."
Sara remembered that the first person who examined her was this same woman when they were in college. Mary asked if Sara could volunteer to be her patient and Sara said yes. Back then Mary had warned Sara about that issue, but Sara, just like Tegan now, couldn't understand it much. "Watch out, Sar, it seems like you have a cyst project on your ovaries, both of them," Mary had said.
"What cyst project?" Sara had asked.
"It means that you are growing not one or two but multiple cysts and you need to see a doctor." Sara had never seen a doctor after that till she tried to conceive. The doctor told her the same. He said she would have to heal before getting pregnant. Once she healed, she couldn't get pregnant. It was not only the cysts, she believed, but also her inherited low infertility rate.
"So she will be able to conceive normally. She's fertile," Sara asked again.
"She is. I assure you she is." The doctor smiled out of politeness, Tegan could tell.
Back home, first thing Sara did was clean the place; get rid of the pizza boxes, disposable plates, and beer bottles from the night before. Tegan went to bed immediately to wallow in her nostalgia and pain. She Skyped with her mother, recounting everything the doctor had told her. Sara heard the entire conversation while cleaning their bedroom.
"I know you had a cyst," Sonia said.
"Why did you tell me it's nothing?"
"I didn't want you to worry. I could see it in the ultra sound they did for you in the hospital. Honestly, I didn't want you to undergo a pelvic exam in the state you were in. You were miserable."
"What if it had been dangerous or cancerous?" Sara asked, joining in the conversation.
"Hi, Sara," Sonia greeted.
"Hello, Sonia." Sara put the cleaning supplies on the floor and sat on the mattress next to Tegan. "I could tell it was not terrible. I am a doctor, I know." Sara nodded.
Tegan looked up at the ceiling, swallowing the growing lump in her throat. A flood of misery trickled in her brain. Many questions. Many doubts. Was it always going to stay this way? Was she always going to feel this way? Her body was not even hers, was it? Everybody decided on her behalf, everybody cared a bit too much. Did all women feel that way? Did Emy feel that way? Did Stacy feel that way? Did Sara and her mother feel that way? Was it only her that felt that way? Was she in control of anything in her life? Was she in charge of anything?
"Tegan?" Sonia called. "Are you alright?" She was cold, still cold. Since she had gotten together with Sara, Sonia remained rigid and relentless.
"Yeah," Tegan mumbled. "I'm just tired."
"Her wisdom tooth," Sara explained. "She can barely speak or eat. It's giving her atrocious headaches."
"It's like I'm about to lose my sight."
"You're going to remove it though, right?" Tegan nodded to the camera that showed her mother. She yawned.
"I'm having the most terrible cramps I've had in the history of periods."
"You always say that," Sara commented quietly.
"Yes, but every other time I take my painkillers and sleep for two days straight. Now I can't even sleep because of the pain of my tooth."
"Alright, well, I should go." Tegan knew her mother wanted to get away as quickly as she could before she began to complain and whine. Everybody ran away from her in these moments. Everybody but Sara.
Sara continued her cleaning and tidying. Good thing she noticed they had run out of tampons or pads before Tegan threw one of her tantrums. She told Tegan she was going to run to the store to get what she was going to need at any moment. She grabbed some vegetables, too, to make Tegan some soup. After that she drove to their house like she sneakily did each day. She smiled cheerily when she took quick glimpses at the renovations and finishing. She spoke to the workers and gave a couple of directions to the architect she had hired. He assured her everything was going as planned. When she went back home, Tegan was finally asleep, which gave her a quiet time to shower, read, and cook. In the evening Tegan woke up instantly, rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door. When she left she told Sara that she had thrown up everything she had eaten, which was almost nothing.
"Why?" Sara asked while preparing a bowl of soup for the younger woman.
"When I'm in too much pain I get nauseous and puke."
"God, your face is swollen." Tegan sat on the sofa. "Just have this for now and get back to sleep. Did you start yet? I got you tampons just in case."
"No," she said as she rubbed her eyes. "Did you get me pads, too?"
"Yes." Tegan liked to use both, she had told Sara, depending on her mood.
At night Sara spoke with Stacy about everything that had happened that day. She asked Tegan if she could tell the curious woman. Tegan shrugged. Stacy was always around, she knew everything about now. Tegan didn't care anymore about wanting to hide certain things from her. Tegan texted her friends while Sara talked to hers.
When they went to bed, Tegan said, "I finally started. God, tomorrow is gonna be hell."
"Well, congrats," Sara said sarcastically. She wished Tegan had showered before getting into bed. It was beginning to be irritating the amount of hygienic negligence her lover was portraying. Just because one was tired, busy, or in pain it didn't mean they were excused from cleanliness.
Tegan woke up in the middle of the night crying because of her tooth. Sara woke up with her. She could do nothing. Nothing at all. The dentist said that was normal because the tooth was broken, any air that would get sucked in would make her feel as if her head was about to burst due to the exposed nerve.
"Please tell me removing it won't hurt as much," Tegan cried. "I can't take it. I want to pull it out."
"It won't," Sara lied. She had had the worst experience removing her wisdom teeth.
"Liar," Tegan accused. "You told me you felt like you were being murdered before." Sara laughed, even though the last thing she expected to do was laugh.
"My time was different. And, like, I was too cheap to pay for the better surgery. It did not hurt; there was just a lot of work."
In the morning, after serving breakfast for her lazy, irresponsible fiancée, Sara said, "How about you take a shower now? The water is warm and Stacy might come over."
"No," Tegan said bluntly. "I don't need warm water; I need a heating pad so I wouldn't have to murder Stacy when she comes here." Sara stood up from the kitchen table and fetched the heating pad that she placed on the counter the night before. She knew Tegan was going to ask for it.
"Just telling you, you smell bad. You smell very bad and it's hard to even hug you."
"Well then, don't hug me. I don't want anyone in my personal space right now."
Tegan went back to bed and Sara began baking a regular chocolate cake to fill the free time in her hand till her friend arrived.
"Hi, where is she?" Stacy said cheerfully.
"In the bedroom. You don't wanna go there, trust me."
"Why?" Stacy asked, a plate of macaroons in her hand. "I made macaroons for her. Lots of flavors."
Ella ran to the room on her own, yelling an excited, jovial 'Teetee.'
The little girl jumped on the mattress, making the grumpy woman groan and bury her head under her pillow. "Ella, don't jump."
"Why?" Ella said loudly. Tegan could hear the footsteps and chatter of the two women nearby.
"Because I'm in pain and I need rest."
"Ohhhh." Ella hugged her clothed back, which made her sigh and turn around.
"Hi, Tegan. I've got you macaroons," Stacy said as soon as she entered the stuffy room.
"Do I look like I can eat anything?"
Stacy looked at her friend, who shrugged without mouthing another word. Sara had already warned, but Stacy decided not to listen. Tegan turned into a zombie when she was moody, people thought Sara was exaggerating.
Stacy talked and talked and talked while Sara ate most of the delicious sugary treats that Tegan had been eyeing for the past hour while she lay in bed, softly crying due to the pain in her entire body.
"Are you sure she's fine?" Stacy kept asking after each story.
"Yeah, yeah, it's the monthly scenario," Sara said casually.
"Ohhhh." Stacy took a bite of the macaroons she made, making Tegan's stomach growl. "Oh, poor you. Can't she, like, eat anything? Food makes cramps go away."
"No," shouted Tegan. "God," she shouted again sitting up. "It hurts so bad, Sara," she whined. "Everything hurts so bad. I can't take it. I'm gonna die."
"You're not gonna die," Sara repeated what she had been telling her whenever she decided to jump up with a loud cry and exaggerate.
"I wanna fucking punch my head, okay?" Tegan groaned. "Why is it so fucking hot in here?" She unzipped her hoodie and kicked off the duvet, exposing her thin legs, yellow underwear, and her breasts hardly shielded by a sheer, white tank-top.
"Ohhhh," Stacy said and Ella giggled.
"Hey, babe, your boobs are out for the sexually frustrated to gawk at," Sara said, handing Tegan the duvet and glaring childishly at Stacy.
"Mummy, she's in her undies," Ella commented as if she had discovered a secret no one was supposed to know about. "And I can see her boobies," she continued in a hushed tone, thinking the other women wouldn't hear her.
"Ugh." Tegan didn't care. She was hot. She had hot flashes. She was annoyed. She was in pain. Nothing made sense in her head because she could only feel the pain in it. It was comedy for Stacy, puzzlement for her daughter, shame for Sara, and to her it was sad. It was sad she was getting laughed at and watched in her miserable state. "They're just fucking breasts, okay? You all have them. Calm the fuck down."
"Yeah, we shouldn't stare," Stacy told her daughter, even though her eyes stared right at Tegan's breasts. Sara threw her a questioning look, which made her face redden.
"I wanna take off my clothes, too," Ella chimed in. Tegan smiled through her tears. She grabbed Ella's hand and hugged her. "Eww, you smell bad." Tegan kissed Ella's rosy cheeks. It was wonderful how that kid never failed to make her feel better in her worst conditions. "What's that on your tummy? It's hot."
"That's a heating pad." Tegan's voice was raspy, but gentle while speaking with the kid. Sara stared at her, eyes glossy and shiny. "It makes my tummy feel better."
"I thought your tooth hurt."
"And my tummy." Ella kissed her swollen cheek, which was not the best idea.
"That's cute; let me take a picture." Stacy held out her phone.
"No, thanks. I don't want my tits to be in pictures." Ella gasped and giggled. "Yup. That's Tegan, raw and real for you. Enjoy the show."
"Let's go to the living room and leave her so she can rest," Sara suggested. She didn't get any response from Tegan but the thankful looks and pleading stares were enough for her to understand that her lover wanted her privacy.
"No. I'm not leaving." Ella stomped her foot on the bed. "I wanna sleep next to Tegum, please, please."
"But Tegum smells bad and she's tired," Sara tried.
"But I want toooo. I want to. I want to. I want to," Ella screamed.
"It's okay. Just leave her," Tegan mumbled, ready to close her eyes and get swallowed by the darkness of her thoughts.
"Good luck raising two children, Sara," Stacy said when they left the room.
Sara blinked a couple of times, counted to ten and smiled. "Want beer?"
"She's not ready to have a baby," Stacy insisted. "You can clearly see she's not ready. She's acting like a kid. Who…who in the world throws tantrums because they have period cramps or their teeth ache?"
"Can you not get involved in this? Please? That's my private life with her."
"Sara, I'm not trying to be against you," Stacy tried to reason, but Sara's ears were clogged to any pessimistic thought. "There is some picture that you can't see here. She's trying to show you she's not ready. She's trying to deliver the message to you and you can't even see it, or you refuse to see it. Because I'm sure she doesn't enjoy being laughed at, or being half naked or whining and getting mocked at while whining."
"Take a beer and shove your theories up your asshole." The professor faked her best smile and blinked her tears behind her lids. She was not going to stand there and be preached to by Stacy, cry and feel terrible about herself like she had always done. "It's set. We found a donor. He's coming in two weeks and we're going to start." She handed Stacy a beer bottle and opened one for herself. "We are going to have a baby."
Stacy shook her head with laughter. She had stood there plenty of times and preached, she had warned and advised; her friend didn't listen and after each heartbreak, each mistake, and each fall, Sara came running with tears in her eyes. Past repeated itself, Stacy was sure of that. Past was repeating itself because of Sara's nature. She pushed, pushed, pushed, and wanted; deluded herself, fell inside a false vision of reality…until it all came crashing down and Sara was left sobbing once again.
Once Stacy and her child left, Sara became determined to find her a partner. If she stayed single, she was not going to stop interfering in their life. The keys for the new house were not going to be shared; Sara had learned her lesson.
Tegan had spent all day asleep while she spent the day in the quiet place thinking and arranging. She couldn't visit their new house in case her lover woke up and needed anything. Her apartment had not been that calm in awhile. She had gotten very used to Tegan's voice, Tegan's laughter, Tegan's cries—Tegan, all of her—around the small place. Loneliness had departed these walls and that, alone, made her satisfied; it made her thankful. Was she ever going to miss this quiet after having a baby? She didn't enjoy it now, so she doubted she would enjoy it later.
An hour through contemplation under the dimmed lighting of the living room, she heard the bathroom's door open and close. She smiled, knowing the quiet was momentarily and the thunder of her lover was going to be noisy and loud once again in few minutes.
Tegan's left cheek was too swollen not to escape a giggle looking at, so Sara tried her best not to do that while facing the infamous scowl her lover carried with pride. "Did they go?"
"Yes." Sara sat up, allowing Tegan to sit beside her.
Tegan sighed loudly and slouched on the couch. She was wearing Sara's navy robe. "Good. Ella would have been horrified at the mess I made."
"What mess?" Tegan grabbed the mug on the coffee table and took a sip of the coffee Sara had made for herself. "You know, coffee's not that good for anemic people? We're going to start the first session tomorrow, by the way." Sara took the mug and took a sip. "Right before we go to the dentist."
"You want me to be in double pain?" Tegan frowned. "No, in triple pain because my cramps would somehow become worse tomorrow."
"It won't hurt at all. You won't even feel it." Tegan moaned, throwing her head on Sara's lap. "What mess did you make?"
"The usual mess." Tegan beamed at sighing Sara.
"Did you change the sheets?"
"Of course not. I'm waiting for you." Tegan had told her it was too disturbing and she would never change the sheets she bled on months ago after staining the mattress the first time she stayed at Sara after they got back together. The situation was recurrent almost each month. Sara always changed the sheets.
"Holy shit," Sara shouted when she looked at the mattress. "That's like a murder scene."
"I tossed and turned a lot and spread all the stuff…like, everywhere." The truth, she was lazy enough to go change the first time she woke up and noticed the circular red spot beneath her, so she changed her sleeping spot and continued her sleep.
"No wonder you have anemia. Do you bleed that much?"
"What does that even have to do with it?" Tegan sat on the chair and waited for Sara to discard the sheets off the mattress. She could feel her tooth beginning to twist with the nerves in her head slowly. Just a day left.
"It has everything to do with it," said Sara. "Where are your dirty stuff? You were only in your underwear, right?"
"Yeah, I threw it in the trash." Tegan waved her hands off. "That stain will never be washed off."
"That's what I used to do when I was thirteen and too ashamed to see blood on my clothes." Sara laughed. "That's why you keep ruined undies for periods only, so even if the stain was still there, nobody cares because it's period underwear."
"That's disgusting."
"All of that is disgusting, but you not taking a shower for five days isn't?"
Tegan didn't answer.
"Exactly." Sara patted the mattress. "Come lie down, I'll throw this in the bathroom and get you your vitamins."
Before falling asleep, Tegan asked the professor, "Are we still mad at each other?"
"Do you want us to be mad?" Sara answered groggily. Her eyes were beginning to close, her body starting to relax. What a long day it had been!
"No." Tegan looked at her, but she could barely look at her side and smile. She felt exhausted. "I wish you could kiss me and rub my tummy and talk gently to me."
"Oh." She shifted her gaze. Her lover was coming close.
"I'm sorry I smell," Tegan said. "We can't kiss because my mouth hurts." Sara laughed and so did the younger woman. "But I want it so bad…kiss my forehead."
She hugged her despite anything, the sweat, the scent, the fatigue. She kissed her forehead three times then kissed her nose and rubbed her back.
"So you're allowed to show your boobs to Stacy but I'm not?" Sara pondered.
"Jealous?"
"I am, actually. I don't like it when someone ogles my girl like that."
"Your girl." Tegan giggled. It was sweet. "You're allowed to be a nudist but I'm not?"
"Nobody cares about my wrinkly, old body." Sara hummed amusingly. "Did you see how much she stared? She's sexually frustrated, I swear."
"Yeah. I mean, is she, like, into girls...other than you?"
"I don't know." Sara paused. "Maybe she's bisexual. Or was just very impressed. Or very turned on. She didn't even tell you to cover up because Ella's around, she was enjoying it."
"Maybe around you she's nervous because you actually turn her on so she tells you to cover up. While it was just very casual to look at my tits. I mean, they weren't that visible, they were still covered."
"Lie to yourself, baby." Sara kissed her forehead again.
"Will you have sex with me after I'm done?"
"Of course." Sara smiled. "Are you horny?"
"Yes," Tegan said.
"We can have sex in the shower tomorrow if you want."
"No," Tegan said. Sara could almost see the repulsed expression on her face. "That's wrong."
"As you wish, but I'm always ready."
She could say that her sleep was long and nice. It was, actually, but it was interrupted by shrieks and cries. She rose out of bed and ran to the bathroom in her unconscious state, almost losing balance and collapsing on the floor. Tegan was on the floor, crying hysterically.
"What's going on? What's wrong?" The room spun for moments until she could open her eyes fully.
"I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Please, help me, please." Tegan turned around and emptied her stomach in the toilet. She turned around again and resumed her crying.
Sara knelt down to face her. "Why are you scared? How much did you throw up?"
Tegan hiccuped and shrugged. The weeping was unstoppable. "I don't know. A lot. I don't know. I'm just scared. I feel suffocated. I don't feel well. Everything hurts. I feel dirty. I feel scared. I want my mom, I want my mom. Please, just make it stop."
"Oh, God." Sara started to cry, too. That was a breakdown, wasn't it? Yes, it was. It was one of the worst breakdowns she had witnessed. No, no, it was the worst.
"Tegan, I'm here. You're a big girl. Come on. Let's go to the room. Let's…oh, God." She tried to help her up, but Tegan was ready to fall, unable to carry herself. "Are you conscious? Do you hear me?"
Tegan held onto her arm tightly and nodded. She sat on the bathtub's edge and took a breath. Her tears didn't stop. "I want to shower. I feel disgusting."
"Now?" Sara asked. Maybe she was mean, saying these things to her. God, she was stupid. She shouldn't have told her to shower. She didn't mean it offensively.
"Yes."
"It's very late. You're already in pain, you don't wanna get cold."
"Please. I want water. I can't breathe." She began to take her pajama off. She removed each item slowly as she shuddered. Sara turned on the faucet and waited for the water to become warm. She started to remove her clothes off, too. She was not going to leave her in the middle of a breakdown.
"I'm gonna faint," Tegan said. "Help me."
"Shit, hold on." She turned her face away from Tegan in order to cry while she helped her remove her tank top and underwear. Tegan's hold was too strong on her arm, her small nails dug into the soft skin. In times like these she had wished someone to help her many years before. Times like these Jack walked away and her mother made her feel useless. Times like these nobody gave her a hand when a box of darkness encircled her. "Wait a minute; let me get your tampon out." She didn't care how intimate that was, how personal, how private. Tegan didn't care, too. She opened her legs while tears fell between them and hiccups echoed in the air. Sara tore up some toilet paper then pulled the string slowly till the piece of cotton came out. She wrapped it in the toilet paper and threw it in the garbage. Quickly, she helped Tegan sit in the bathtub and sat with her, not expecting the younger woman to throw herself in her arms like that. Warm water fell on them.
"It's okay…it's okay. Cry it out, baby. Cry as much as you want. I'm here." She was here, and she was crying, too.
Tegan's cold arms were wrapped around her, her head pressed on her chest.
"I feel like I'm not…I'm not a human."
"I know that," Sara said. "You feel controlled, your body's monitored, everybody has something to say about it. You can't even eat the way you want, you can't even help yourself, you can't even think about yourself. Everybody is looking, examining, telling you what you should and should not do." Just like her, just like the way she had felt. "Can you believe that was my life? For years…for many years. But I would rather die than make you go through this. We're not going to go through it."
"No," Tegan shook her head. "We are."
"We're not having a baby."
"I promised. I'm not breaking my promise."
"Making you go with something you're not ready for is abuse. I'm not abusive." Sara sighed. "And that was years ago, you were young. If you hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have thought of it," she lied. She had always thought about it, since the year 2006.
"Sara." Tegan hiccuped while looking at her lover's distant eyes. Oh, how long had it been since she had thought of this word. They're distant. Not there. Were they always like that? Was it the night? Was it her misery? She was overwhelmed. She couldn't take it. She wished by now she would take her anxiety pills and numb her mind. Oh, how she wished. But the baby, the fertility pills, the house, the plan, Adam, the imagination, the happiness, the marriage. She didn't want to ruin it. Sara deserved to be happy.
"No Sara, no anything. We're not going through with it. You hear me?" She nodded. "You're bleeding on me," Sara commented. She almost jumped, ready to apologize and turn her heated face away from Sara. "It's okay. Stay here. Cry. Let it out." Was she still crying? Why couldn't she stop? She only cried more. She only made worst sounds. Sara gathered her locks from behind in her hand, and grabbed her waist as she looked at her. "We're good. We're good. Wa don't need a baby," Sara tried to convince herself with a smile.