No talking, no touching, not even a discussion between them for the past few days following that breakdown she had had in the bathroom. Deep shame haunted her each night. She ran away from the kisses and the affection. Her excuses were her swollen face due to the wisdom teeth removal and moody mind due to that break of plans that occurred. Sara gave her space but smiled each time their eyes met, tried to hold her at night before she refused and shifted as far as she could. When she changed her clothes, she hid from Sara until the woman started to recognize the foreign behavior when she had to use the bathroom but the door was locked; Tegan had never locked the door while showering. Sara did not ask neither did she confront her. They needed space; they both recognized that and respected it.
But God, it was killing her. Just a touch, one touch of a hand. That's all she wanted—one look, one smile. She took Tegan to their bedroom and dressed her that day after the collapse. She made her a cup of hot tea and put her to bed, kissing her forehead with tears streaming down her face. But in the morning, Tegan zoned herself out in a peculiar manner; almost out of shyness. When questioned about her cramps, Tegan lied saying she felt nothing. But since Sara knew her well, she knew what each twitch meant. While sitting in the hospital trying to get iron in her blood, Tegan remained motionless while Stacy and Sara spoke. Sara eyed her each few seconds, but the younger woman was frozen.
Tegan was back on her anxiety medication, which could explain the sudden changes. Were they still going to get married? Sara asked herself multiple times each day as she watched her fiancée from the corner of her eyes. She still planned and arranged with Sonia, though. It was hard at first, but finally they were able to speak with more intonation in their voices other than the frosty, formal language they used.
But Tegan recoiled for reasons Sara was not aware of. It was that embarrassment and shame that flew like a river inside her body. She had never felt as exposed, as repulsive, as unmasked. She had never felt loved as much. It was not only overwhelming, but it was insanely terrifying that someone loved her to such an extent they were willing to look at the atrocious aspects of her insides and outsides, willing to look at her when she was at her worst, willing to accept the humiliation she put herself in, willing to give up dreams and hopes for her, willing to reveal themselves, to say yes, to say no, willing to let her bleed on them, to let cry and scream and claw with her tiny nails at their skin. How could somebody love that way? How did Sara love that way? She loved Sara so much, but after that event in the bathroom, Tegan had come to the conclusion that Sara loved her more, way more. She loved no one more than Sara, it was true, but Sara's love exceeded that in ways that were inhumane, impossible, not even quite real. And the more she thought about it, the more she loved Sara, the less she could express it.
Therefore Tegan hid herself, her emotions, her body, her feelings. Talk was necessary but she could not bring herself to do it, not when she felt ashamed of the tantrum she had thrown that night. She felt that Sara had seen too much of her, it was not a good feeling, but it was also the feeling Sara had probably felt each time she cried out of pain and misery, each time she bled, each time she exposed another part of her. Now Tegan could finally understand it, could finally see it, could, unfortunately, know it and feel it. It was the worst feeling and nothing could top it. God, she loved Sara. How did they end up together? How ironic was life? That woman had entered her life with a slam of a door, scared the shit out of her with shouts and terrible attitude, now that woman was about to be her wife, that woman was everything to her now. It was fate, definitely. Her life had painted a twisted path she had to go through to reach this point. She found herself smiling as she thought of the events that had taken place since she was a teenager till that moment her lover cleaned the apartment alone.
She spent most of her time in her room writing. It was rather refreshing that she had found the time to write freely. She was called by the school she wanted to teach at. She had passed the interview and was supposed to give a demo class. When she left home to give that class, Sara did not question where she was going. Sara was giving her the ultimate space, and surprisingly, she despised nothing more than Sara not interfering each second. That was not the only thing she hid from Sara. She was not taking her anxiety pills; she was still taking the fertility ones without the knowledge of her lover. She was going to tell Sara about it, she didn't know when or how. Sara said no to having kids, but it's not Sara who decided. She had a saying after all, and she wanted it. It scared her, she hated it, but she wanted it. They went through everything, they planned, they called, her entire body started to change slowly; a moment's breakdown was not going to make her throw everything away. She was preparing everything, even her mind, to receive that child within months.
It was just a week after the breakdown when she heard Sara crying on the phone. She woke up late because she spent the nights watching series and eating junk food despite the healthy diet she and Sara were following nowadays in order to cleanse their bodies and minds of poisonous substances—that's what Sara said. She woke up at 1:00 PM. Sara was crying on the couch, she looked at her from the corridor, tried not to be noticed.
Her defensive instincts rose when Sara pronounced the word 'mum'. She wanted to go there and take that phone, yell at the woman and comfort Sara. However, she did not rush, she listened to the quiet sobs, tried to understand the silent misery.
"I don't know," Sara kept saying. "I just don't feel okay. I just feel like talking to you." Tegan wished she could hear the voice at the end of the line. "Mum, I don't know. I'm begging you not to ask, because if I knew I would say it, I wouldn't be calling, I wouldn't be crying. I don't know."
"No, mum, no." Sara cried more. "You don't have to come. I don't want you to come. Please, don't…don't come here, please."
"I just don't know how to explain it to you," Sara said. "Sometimes I just need to cry it out and be comforted. I know that…I know that it's not something common between you and I anymore. I know that I pushed it and pushed you away. I know that things are not good between us. I still…I still feel terrible grief remembering the words you said when you stayed with me after losing Alice, I still dream about them, I still look at you as a monster sometimes…I still wish you hadn't said these words and I still wish I hadn't let you in again but I…I can't not let you in."
"I don't know why you say these words, I don't know." Sara chuckled through her tears. "Sometimes I wonder if I am a lot like you. I hurt the people I love, I push them, I demand from them, I love to control them. What is it, what is it that makes me so attached to you? Why do I need you? Why do I always need you? I lie to you, I say I don't but I need you at times. Like now. I need you now. I need to cry on your lap because nobody can make me feel better but you. No hand can wash it away but yours. Isn't it funny? You can make it better and worse."
Tegan decided to tell her. It was time to tell her. After that phone call, she was going to tell her.
"I don't hate you, mother. I don't." Sara fell quiet. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out. "Yeah, I hate what happened but I don't hate you. Sometimes I feel sorry for you. Sometimes I wish to understand you, but the more I think about it, I start to understand myself through you." Then Sara laughed at something her mother had said. "Yeah, yeah it's true. I wish you had divorced him." Sara laughed again. "Yeah, I guess I am a bit stronger. I mean, I learned from that. I guess I learned. I was always afraid I would end up like…like you. Or be in such a relationship, so I guess I always pushed away when I felt it getting too much until I fell in the Jack trap." She sighed deeply. "But now I made someone else fall, mum. I made someone fall in mine and I feel…I don't know how I feel."
No. She had to know. She had to find out. They had to talk it out.
"Yes," Sara said. "It's a woman."
"Yes, I love her. I loved her for years. Remember how badly I cried each night? It was her, all her." Sara laughed again. "You knew all along so why did you say these words to me when you came here?" Sara hummed, shaking her head. "Fool me, mother. You need to get rid of his ghost." Sara shook her head to herself again. "I don't want to open up more because I still can't trust you. I'm still not sure if I tell you too much I'll hear something that could crush me one day." Sara had stopped crying. "But talking to you is a relief, and I appreciate you listening and not stabbing me with your words. Thank you."
Tegan walked in as soon as Sara said her goodbye to her mother. She sat on the couch with a deadpan face, not sure how to start, or where to start and what to say.
"Hi." Smiled Sara, wiping more of her tears and sniffling. "Did you…uh…hear that?"
"Yes."
Sara stood up. "Let's go to the kitchen. Let's eat something. I've been waiting for you to get up. Then we can do some yoga." Sara dismissed the topic, and that bothered Tegan.
She could have told her to sit down, she could have called her name and talked to her but she chickened out. It felt as if some small insect was biting onto her tongue, or a rope, yes a rope held it and she couldn't speak.
"Tomorrow's your birthday," Sara said to her while they ate grilled cheese sandwiches and drank coffee. "Excited?"
She chuckled, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, come on. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said quietly. "I mean I don't really care much about birthdays."
"It's the first birthday you're spending with me, you should be excited." Despite letting these words out, Sara feared that they were not true. If Tegan had heard the conversation between her and her mother, why didn't she say anything about it? God, how she hated when her lover sought refuge in silence.
"Are you planning something special for me?" Tegan finally smiled. At one point throughout the week Sara thought she would never see that smile again. She had dreaded the sudden departure. Whenever Tegan left the apartment, Sara thought she would not be coming back again.
"I might be, yes." Sara grinned cheerfully. "Can you guess?"
Tegan pretended to think. "Probably a drawing. I don't know, it's hard actually to predict. You're unpredictable." Sara laughed as relief sat in her gut. She had prepared many surprises and she was glad a drawing was none of them.
"I'm glad you think that." Sara got up. "Ready for yoga? Go change. I'll make us some detox water." Their daily routine started after the breakdown. Sara woke her up the next morning and made her do some yoga. Tegan admitted it helped making her relax. The next day, Tegan asked for it again. So Sara had made a schedule of food and drinks and exercises. She had followed it for an entire year till Tegan moved in, and after that she neglected it. She knew it was about time she went back to the healthy lifestyle she was starting when she began to feel irritated and stressed out with everything around her.
After yoga, each took her turn to shower. Tegan took thirty minutes while Sara only ten minutes. Sara had forgotten to take any clothes with her to the bathroom, so when she left to the bedroom, she hoped Tegan wouldn't be too uncomfortable if she dressed herself there. Tegan was on her computer, she did not look at her at all. It upset her.
"Sara?" said the younger woman before Sara left the room again.
Sara turned around, her towel in her hands. "Yes, dear?"
"I need to talk to you." Sara nodded. Her mind and her heart both predicted what her lover wanted to talk about. She swallowed the growing lump in her throat, knowing that Tegan's decision of departure was definitely inevitable and it was bound to happen a week before, now, or a week from now. It was rather obvious, Tegan did not even ask about their house anymore.
"Okay," Sara said. "I just need to throw this in the hamper first."
She remembered that Tegan had not taken her meds yet, so she took them to her on her way back. Just because Tegan was going to leave her, it didn't mean she wasn't supposed to care about her health anymore. She was in for a long night; her tears were being cooked inside her lids, soon to come out as soon as Tegan dropped the big bomb.
Tegan smiled when she saw her enter the room again. She sat on the bed and handed her the pills she had to take every day. Tegan only took her vitamins and left the anxiety pill on the nightstand. Sara's eyes were expecting, waiting, searching. Tegan opened her nightstand's drawer, moved the book she had put there and revealed the pills she had not swallowed all stashed underneath it.
"What's this?"
"I haven't been taking them. I lied to you. I…I couldn't do it."
"What are those? What are you talking about?" She liked to play dumb in some situations and that was one of them. She knew what these pills were, she began to have hope that Tegan was not leaving; therefore, she played dumb, afraid her happiness would show up on her face.
"Sara, I don't know how to start. I've been super quiet the past week because I've been embarrassed. I've been ashamed. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened that night."
"Okay." Sara took a deep breath, held her lover's hand and looked at her reassuringly. "Just talk. Whatever you want, just say it. I'll be listening. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing at all. No need for shame, Tegan. Take a deep breath and talk."
"It was just a panic attack. I was upset. I was in pain. I don't know what happened. It was a panic attack and I couldn't handle it."
"I know," Sara said. Her thumb was rubbing the soft hands of her lover, her lips wished to kiss the pouty lips.
"I don't want us to stop having a kid," Tegan whispered.
"Tegan," Sara started.
"Just let me talk, please?" Sara nodded. "My body is ready. We are both ready for it. I am scared and I am not sure if I can handle it but I am ready. I don't want to stop it. What happened was just a panic attack and it wasn't about that, it was about everything. It's just all new to me. And it's wonderful. It's wonderful that I am with someone I love, going to live with her, have a nice house with her, and have a kid with her. It's all wonderful. I just didn't know how to react. It was a shitty week. I was lost, I felt lost, I felt small. And it's not about a promise I gave to you or whatever, I actually thought about it and I want it. I might even regret it if I say no."
"Why regret it? For me? You think I might die and you have nothing to remind you of me?" Tegan did not answer. They both looked down at their laps in clear exasperation. "Is that it?"
"How do you know?"
"When I tell you I know you too well, I'm not lying to you."
"I don't want to regret anything," Tegan mumbled.
"But that does not mean you want a kid right now. It does not mean you're ready. It only means you don't want to live with regret and guilt if I happen to die without you giving me what I want."
"And so what if it was that? Don't I get to choose, too? It scares me each time I think of it, Sara. It scares me knowing I can just lose you one day." Sara laughed. "Why are you laughing? Death is not funny."
"No, it's not." Sara laughed again. "I don't think I loved someone as much as I love you."
"I know that." Tegan laughed, too. "I am sure of that, actually. You love me to an extent that frightens me."
Sara looked at her face for mere seconds, wishing she could kiss each inch, wishing she could touch it and feel it. Her love flew out of her like a plant covering dirt with its green leaves.
"And I do love you, too," Tegan uttered. "And I want that. I do want it. We'll help each other. I don't want you to think I feel controlled and caged. I feel that at times but I guess every woman feels that way. I know that Stacy feels that way. I asked her. I asked Emy, too."
"You asked Stacy?"
"Yes," Tegan said. "She said she feels like she's not in control of her body even after leaving her husband. Emy said the same thing and you said the same thing. I don't know why we feel this way but I don't want to feel it. I want to have a kid with you, now or later, I want it, so I choose now."
"Are you sure?" Sara was dreading these decisions. Tegan's mind was like a sponge ready to absorb whatever around it, bound to change with the seasons, her decisions were not well-studied; and she did not want to have any effect on her decisions anymore. That was not fair at all.
"One hundred percent sure."
Sara leaned in to kiss her, but it felt strange, almost close to a new feeling. They had not touched for days, had not kissed for days. The kiss was slow but passionate enough to elicit a moan from the older woman, which made the younger one blush deeply after their lips detached. They felt young, like kids sharing their first kiss, hiding in the basement, doing what they should not do. It reminded her of those kisses she shared with Stacy when they were twelve, under the covers of her blanket; in a cold, dark house, the sound of the rain strong in the background of her beating chest. She had the urge to touch her lover, the fervor to explore her body as if she had not seen it. Oh, when did she feel that way last? Years ago. Back when she felt the red, flaming need when she had first seen her in her classroom. When they spoke after class, when the love sparked in her heart and made her draw poems of love and adoration—back then she had felt this heat throbbing in the leaves of her soul, diverging in different directions, reaching the farthest places inside her body.
Her hand brushed the hem of Tegan's shirt slightly but the younger woman surprised her with a flinch. She drew her hand close to her body and looked in the watering eyes of her lover. Tegan's face was deep red.
"What is it?" she whispered carefully.
"I don't want to," Tegan whispered back.
"It's okay," she said louder. She smiled—her heart full, her mind relaxed. She lay down on the bed beside her lover. "Happy birthday, my love. I'm so happy I am with you."
"Thank you," said Tegan, looking at her as she remained seated.
They woke up early the next morning. Tegan huffed in irritation while she sat on the toilet, remembering she had to get iron in her body and she hated nothing more than that long process. At least only two sessions were left. Sara knocked on the door a couple of times but she was too drowsy to answer. Everything seemed a bit slow that morning. She had no idea why her lover woke her up this early. They usually went to the hospital in the afternoons, and she had not woken up this early since she started her summer break. She yawned while washing her haggard face. She thought her hair was getting messy again; it needed to be tamed. She left the bathroom scratching her head and Sara entered right after her. She was in a hurry. Tegan fell on the mattress face first and closed her eyes. She didn't know how much time she had spent in that position until Sara dragged her feet in order to wake her up.
"Wake up, wake up," Sara said.
"Noooo."
"It's your birthday."
"And that's why I should sleep."
"No," Sara said. "Get up. We have to go. Come on." She turned around only to be met with Sara's face hovering over her. When Sara kissed her, she felt the heat of ignominy filling her up. She kissed back quickly and stood up, not giving Sara a chance to be in contact with her. She grabbed her clothes and went to the bathroom. When she left, Sara was half ready. Sara ran to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup. She watched with a scowl on her face as she stood at the door. Sara looked handsome, quite masculine. Her white pants were tight; her jean jacket covered the swell of her breasts that her grey top accentuated. Her hair was tied up in a high bun, which made her jaw seem sharper than ever. Her features were strong and alluring. She had never looked as androgynous, which, compared to Tegan now, she seemed as she was the masculine one in the relationship. Tegan had always been the 'masculine' one, but Sara had won the title that morning.
"You look like you escaped a boy band." Sara threw her head back in laughter. "I'm serious."
"Okay. I'm not offended." Sara was still smiling. It seemed genuine.
"I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating."
"Alright, babe." Sara left the bathroom and Tegan followed. "Nice observation. Now let's go."
In the car, Tegan toyed with the radio till she found her favorite station. Sara's head began to throb from the repetitive music her lover liked to hear. The traffic jam was one of the worst.
Suddenly, Tegan stated with abrupt loudness, "But you look like the man in the relationship now."
"What?" Sara looked at her frowning girlfriend.
"I'm used to looking like the man and you the feminine one."
"Tegan." Eyes on the road, Sara chuckled. "Since when?"
"I don't know. I don't want people to look at us and think I'm the bottom and I'm the girly girl."
Sara guffawed, lowering the volume. "You are the bottom." She winked.
Tegan whined in protest, "People don't have to know."
"You can't possibly think that people think of you as a top. You're so little," Sara teased. "Plus, I'm the professor."
"No," Tegan refused.
"You're cute."
"Shut up."
"You're adorable."
"Sara," Tegan groaned.
"Babe, there is no man and no woman in a lesbian relationship. We're both women. I just felt like I want to wear this outfit this morning, and, somehow, you chose a red shirt." She looked at her own shirt on her lover's body. She used to despise that shirt, had not worn it since her mother gave it to her a year ago for Christmas. It was strange that Tegan had picked it out of all the clothes to wear.
"It seemed cozy," Tegan mumbled. "I love you in dresses more."
"But don't I turn you on in this outfit?" Tegan fell silent. Her rosy cheeks gave Sara the answer. "I dooooo," Sara sang. Tegan did not answer.
Something was wrong, Sara noticed it. Whenever she sought the sexual route, Tegan blushed and fell silent. It had been bothering her for the past week and the night before she did not get to ask Tegan about it when the younger woman refused to have sex with her.
Tegan raised the volume of the Justin Bieber song as she did each day when the song appeared on the radio. At first, Sara thought Tegan loved the song, but when Sara focused on the lyrics, she felt paranoid that Tegan had been trying to deliver a message.
"My mama don't like you and she likes everyone,
And I never like to admit that I was wrong."
That part in particular made her mind scribble a plot inside her head. "So," she decided to ask, "you like the Biebs?"
Tegan looked at her then rolled her eyes. It was not quite clear, but Sara could see it well.
"'Cause if you like the way you look that much,
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself."
"Umm, no?" Tegan finally answered. "I just like the song."
"And when you told me that you hated my friends,
The only problem was with you and not them."
"Somehow it feels like you're shading me through this song." Even though she was smiling, Sara still felt restless, wanting to know if her mind was accurate in its prediction.
Tegan turned off the radio and sighed. "That's because you feel like the song applies to you, because you have low self-esteem issues."
Sara parked the car and nodded. "So you are shading me."
"Yes, I was, the entire week."
"Thanks for admitting it," Sara said.
"You can't even read sarcasm." Tegan laughed. "Now, why would I shade you? Fuck, Sara. Chill."
Sara's anxious head could not rest a second. She felt defeated at times and that was one of them. Attire or behaviors did not mean she was in control of her feelings. A crushed fly trying to escape the window closed on its tail. A bent arrow stepped on by the sniper himself. The monster of Frankenstein full of crushed hopes and dead dreams.
In the hospital, while Tegan rested on the bed and Sara looked around, Stacy appeared to say hi. She wished Tegan a happy birthday and asked about her health.
"Ella has something special for you when she sees you," Stacy said.
"Oh, thank you." Stacy nodded, fixing the tube attached to Tegan's hand.
"They can't do anything good in this section," the nurse said exasperatingly.
"You seem rather tense today," Sara commented.
"Yeah." Stacy sighed. She was fixing the pillow Tegan was using now. Tegan wished she would leave her alone. "They moved me back to the Gynecology section," she mumbled.
"Oh," Sara said quietly. Tegan looked at both of them.
"I was feeling better in the child care department. Now I'm back to that shit place, having to see ugly bloody vaginas and naked women all day long." Tegan's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Sara."
"It's okay."
"You're different."
Tegan felt uncomfortable.
"I get it. I wouldn't wanna be in that section, too."
"It brings back bad memories," Stacy whispered. Sara shrugged. "I'm glad you're healthy now. You have no idea."
Tegan preferred silence over indulging in the conversation. Her mind wandered back to the week before in the bathroom. She felt as if she needed to vomit just remembering the scene that Sara had to put up with. She felt ashamed.
She remained silent in the car as Sara drove aimlessly, or that's how it felt, until they arrived the neighborhood she was very familiar with. The vast areas full of large trees were just the regular route they took each time they visited their new place. She looked at Sara with a curious smile, waiting for an explanation.
"Why are we here?"
Sara had winked without giving her an answer before she left the car. She got out, too. Her eyes were searching and her steps were careful, knowledge starting to make its way inside her head.
They had three entrances to the house: the main led to the vast living room, the second door was in the kitchen, and the third one was in the back of the house, the door was in the large corridor between the kitchen, dining room, and living room; it led to the backyard. And therefore, Sara led her to the backyard.
First reaction was a gasp, it felt like melody in Sara's ears to hear the excitement in Tegan's voice and watch it on her face. Tegan squealed and jumped, it made Sara's face hot. The barbecue set Sara had told her about was all ready and it looked fucking amazing. Tegan discovered Sara's surprise.
"Oh my God, oh my God." Tegan covered her mouth and looked at the pretty white roses in the garden. Sara had spent the previous week picking and choosing what to grow in their small green area.
"Wait a minute; you haven't seen a thing yet." Sara laughed when Tegan hugged her. "The entire house is ready," she whispered, looking at the fiery eyes that she adored. "I wanted it to be a surprise for your birthday." Tegan kissed her and cried. It was genuine, beautiful, and lovely. It was all she wanted to see.
When they went inside, Tegan cried more. It relished Sara to witness these happy tears. It meant that her lover indeed wanted to share a house with her, to commence a new life with her. They both paid for this new house and they were going to live in it as a married couple. Tegan wanted to have kids with her, too. She started to cry as well when they entered their bedroom. It was big and it was furnished exactly like Tegan had wanted it. Tegan threw herself on the king-size bed. The room was light purple and grey like she had asked. It was just perfect.
"I can't believe you did that. Everything like I wanted. All the colors like I wanted. I don't think I can stop crying." Tegan wiped her tears with a small chuckle, her butt jumped on the soft mattress she was sitting on like a little child. "Did you paint the house? It all looks so professional."
Sara sat beside her and, together, they jumped while sitting on the mattress. "Nope, that's why it looks professional. I got people to do it." Sara leaned in to kiss her.
"Fuck, how much did it cost you?" Tegan asked.
"Don't worry about it. It's my little surprise." Sara winked again.
The house was indeed beautiful. Tegan's favorite part was the little area upstairs they decided to make their chilling room; she had told Sara when they were attempting to paint it before. It was a cozy place and the large French windows made it seem rather movie-like. In winters Tegan would watch the raindrops falling, her kid would put his palms on the windows and she would become irritated because she would have just cleaned them. She looked at Sara, wondering if she wanted a girl or a boy. She wanted a boy, she felt like she would love to have a little boy that looked like Adam. Adam was handsome; she wanted her kid to be handsome when he grew up.
They decided to furnish their home with dark furniture a few months ago when they had purchased the house. Sara told her children were messy and she wouldn't want their furniture to be ruined easily; therefore, most of it was grey or navy blue. Tegan didn't mind, she loved these colors.
She worried that Sara might be spending a bit too much; she was a spendthrift even though she liked to deny it. Sara bought and bought without thinking, then accused Tegan of having too many clothes or pairs of shoes without using them. Sara kept food in the fridge that had expired without using it once. She also had clothes in the closet with the price tag still attached to them. Not to mention the crazy obsession with kitchenware, glassware, and house utensils that Tegan could not comprehend.
"Are you happy?" Sara asked her.
Tegan nodded before turning her face away from the window. "You have no idea."
"I am delighted. I don't ever want to see you anguished. I don't want to see your sad tears, Tegan. Never."
"Last week was one of the worst I've had in months." Tegan walked up to her lover. "I felt overwhelmed. Two years ago at this time I was in a state of destruction because of you and now I am in a state of immense happiness, also because of you."
"I'm sorry for each time I made you cry and each time I am going to make you cry in the future."
Tegan laughed. "So you are going to make me cry?"
"I am a bothersome company, so, who knows." Sara winked a third time.
"Sara, I want to tell you something."
"Yes, dear?"
"Let's sit down," Tegan said hesitantly.
They sat down on the grey couch, faced the switched off flat-screen TV. Tegan took a deep breath then smiled. "Sare, I kinda found a job."
"Really?" Sara's eyes widened in surprise. "That's amazing."
"Really?" It was shocking; Sara seemed happy for her.
"Well, isn't it? Fresh graduates never find jobs easily. Is it a bad job?"
"No, it's ummm teaching…in a high school."
"Honey!" Sara gaped at her. "That's perfect. I am happy for you. That's such a great start." Tegan felt startled with the reaction she had not expected. Sara was supposed to be angry, to scream, to stay silent, or to rant about the baby they were supposed to have. Why didn't Sara do all that? "Why are you not happy?"
"No, I am. I just thought you would mind."
"Why would I mind?" Sara said softly.
"Because we want to have a baby."
"Yes?"
"And wouldn't that interfere?"
"Of course not," Sara mumbled. "I am not like that, Tegan. This is your life and you live it the way you want to. Even if I minded, why would you listen to me? I'm not your guardian; I'm just a wife, a partner." Sara shrugged.
"I didn't mean it that way."
"You can work and be a mother. Plus, you're not pregnant yet. It takes time to have a baby. I wouldn't want you to stay at home locked up while I go to work and live my life. We're not that kind of a family."
"I'm sorry," Tegan said with frowning, pouty lips.
"No, I'm sorry." A crooked smile appeared on the professor's face. "I made you feel this way. You have every right to think like that about me." Tegan didn't say anything back. Yes, Sara had made her feel this way.
They spent more time in the house, talking about moving their things this week before they tied the knot in only five days. Tegan's family was going to arrive to witness her graduation, which was also in five days. She and Sara had decided to go to the courthouse right after the ceremony, Stacy and Emy were going to be their witnesses, they would sign the certificate and meet up with Tegan's family for a quiet dinner afterwards. That's what Sara had arranged for them. Tegan did not tell her parents she was getting married that day. She thought she would tell them when she met them after the wedding.
Sara looked at her phone and told Tegan they had to leave. It was still early in the afternoon. They had nothing to do but Tegan didn't say anything. When they got in the car, Sara leaned in and kissed her. It took her by surprise how lusty and passionate the kiss felt. Sara was feeling heated, Tegan could tell.
"Surprriiiiissssssssssssse!" everybody screamed as soon as Sara opened the door of their apartment. Tegan shrieked loudly in fear, jumping in Sara's arms for a second until her mind began to absorb the reality of the situation. All her friends laughed, Sara laughed, Stacy laughed. Except her. She did not laugh. Her face was red and frightened. She needed to pee urgently.
"Fuck you guys, oh my God." She eyed the laughing faces one after the other. Her friend Jeremy was the loudest. His face was cherry red and his laughter was obnoxious. However, what caught her attention more was his girlfriend by his side. She couldn't believe Sara had done all of this for her. She'd invited the man she hated and his girlfriend. She had also invited Emy, who was not laughing anymore, but her face was the one most flushed because her pale skin easily and quickly turned into the brightest shades of red with different types of emotions. Stacy and her daughter were there. Ella seemed as confused, scared, and stunned as her. She held onto her mother's legs with a frowning face. "I'm gonna wet my pants, shit." She ran to the bathroom with Sara's laughter echoing behind her.
"That was fucking hilarious," Sara said as soon as she left the bathroom, her face was wet and still red.
"That was not," she said in a whiny tone. "That was scary. I never thought you'd do that for me." They were speaking in a hushed tone so their guests wouldn't hear them.
"Did you like it?"
"Yes. Nobody had ever surprised me like that. You're gonna spoil me."
"I love spoiling you." Sara kissed her quickly. "You are my little spoiled kitten."
"Shut up." Tegan slapped her arm playfully. "You invited Jeremy and his girlfriend." Sara nodded with a smile. "Thank you."
"I don't want your friends to be my enemies. I don't want my friends to be your enemies."
"That's wise of you. I respect it and appreciate it." A sudden smirk appeared on Tegan's face. She tsked, making her lover confused. "Now I know why you're dressed like that." Sara's face suddenly became as red as her lover's. "To show Jeremy that you can be the man, you can take care of me, you're in charge." Tegan laughed, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Look, it was not intentional." Tegan rolled her eyes jokingly. "It's just something in me. Some type of sick possessiveness…" Sara gasped when her lover cupped her between her legs, interrupting her speech.
"I knew it," Tegan said loudly, feeling the toy she had strapped around her waist all morning. Her laughter was loud enough for the people sitting in the living room to hear. "Honey, that's not possessiveness. That's low self-esteem. No wonder you thought I was shading you." Tegan tsked again. "You're not getting anything tonight." Tegan flipped her hair and, simply, walked away to the living room.
Though Sara felt embarrassed and quite defeated, the birthday was going well. It was fun. Jeremy's girlfriend was not half as bad as she had thought she would be. She majored in law, was working in a good company, and was also bisexual. Hearing this, both Sara and Tegan gasped. Poor Jeremy, Sara thought, he had a thing for girls who liked girls.
The strangely irritating attitude her best friend and Tegan's best friend showed towards each other was beginning to make her question things. First it was funny to watch Stacy glaring at Emy and Emy being vocally rude to Stacy. They scowled at each other and sat as far apart as they could, which made them face each other.
Opening the presents started out sweet and ended in awkwardness. She gave Tegan a small notebook to write in. It had a beautiful velvety maroon cover with black patterns.
"You gave me too many gifts today," Tegan said in awe.
"Oh, these are nothing," Sara said. "But I'm expecting you to top all this on my birthday." Everybody in the room laughed when Sara winked at blushing Tegan.
Jeremy and Denise both got Tegan a collection of CDs of some bands she loved listening to. Sara almost rolled her eyes because that meant another one of those music days that she had to leave the house because of; she could not tolerate anything Tegan liked to listen to.
Emy got her the complete Gilmore Girls collection that she had been moaning about without a stop for the past month. Since she had known a new season was coming up at the end of the year, she couldn't shut up about wanting to rewatch the entire series. Sara had no idea what that was and was sure it was as awful as her taste in music.
Stacy got her a book titled "How to Get Your Wife to Shut Up in Five Seconds."
"Oh my God. That would come in handy like probably after you guys leave." Sara glared at Stacy, so did Emy.
"That's probably a very sexist book written by a sexist heterosexual male. You're not gonna need it," Emy commented. Stacy pretended like she hadn't heard her.
"It's not much. I just thought it's a bit funny," Stacy said. "I honestly didn't know what to get you. But, maybe you'll like Ella's gift better?"
Ella told Tegan happy birthday and kissed her cheek. When she noticed everyone smiling and whispering about how cute she was, she buried her face in Sara's lap to hide from the unfamiliar faces. Sara picked her and hugged her.
Tegan found a big stuffed sunflower in the gift box. Stacy's font was on a small card in the box. Tegan read it loudly:
You have sunny eyes and I love them.
Happy birthday, Tegum.
From Ella
"Aww, that's so sweet." Tegan kissed Ella's forehead. Ella patted the sunflower gently and it started singing a kid's version of "You Are My Sunshine," making both Emy and Sara laugh loudly and rudely. Tegan blushed in discomfort.
"Looks like somebody hasn't watched The L Word," Emy remarked. "Well, I hope this doesn't Jinx you, Dana Fairbanks," she said to Tegan, who shot her a quick glare. Sara could not understand why Emy was acting that way. Had she always been that rude? That angry? That mean? Ella started to cry.
"No, no, honey. Why are you crying?" Tegan kissed her forehead again. "I love this so much. You have no idea. This is my favorite one so far." Sara felt mean for laughing. Stacy seemed lost and upset with the reactions she received. Jeremy and Denise seemed annoyed with the childish behavior they just witnessed. Sara wished she hadn't laughed. How would Ella know that this little thing was connected to the death of a character in a lesbian show? And how would Stacy know? She had never seen that show.
At least the cake Stacy had baked was delicious, even Emy didn't throw a rude comment and ate all of her slice. Or perhaps she did not want to increase the tension between her and Stacy.
When everyone left, Sara received a text from Stacy:
I can't stop crying and I haven't cried for awhile. A woman I don't even know made me cry. Actually, a girl a decade younger than me made me cry. I think your wife has made me look like a monster in front of her friends. I am not a monster. I don't want to be near these people again. I don't want to be near that woman again.
"Oh God," Tegan said when she read the text. "I feel terrible. I swear I don't know why Emy's acting this way towards her. I never brought her up in any conversation. Only two years ago, but that was it. I actually talked shit about Stacy to Jeremy only, not to Emy." Tegan shook her head and threw her tired body on the mattress.
"I'll talk to her about it later." Sara took off her shoes and jacket. "And you try figuring out why Emy's acting this way." She yawned and stretched before she threw herself on top of Tegan.
"And what do you think you're doing?" Tegan poked her nose with the tip of her index.
"Making your birthday end with another surprise," Sara muttered huskily. She felt aroused; she needed to touch Tegan and to be touched by her.
"I don't want to," Tegan said slowly, biting her lower lip.
Taken aback, Sara rose up and sat on the mattress, trying to connect some dots together. "How come? I remember these pills used to make me want to fuck for an entire day."
Tegan did not give her any answer.
"Wait a minute. There's something wrong." Her eyes were fixed on Tegan's, analyzing what these two hazel orbs were concealing in there. They were actually sunny, very light, very transparent. "Tegan, can you tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"No, it's not nothing. You don't even let me see you naked. You're locking the door of the bathroom now. There is something going on."
"I'm just embarrassed." Tegan turned around; her face was almost harbored in her pillow as she slept on her side.
Sara lay down beside her and looked at her face. "Embarrassed?" Sara laughed. "Are you serious?" Tegan did not answer, she covered her face more. "Of what?" No answer. "Talk to me. I'm almost your wife."
"Last week," she mumbled.
"Huh?"
"Last week," she said louder.
"What about it?"
"When you…" She groaned then turned around on her back again. "In the bathroom, Sara. I can't believe I let you take the tampon out of me and see me just bleed like that on your thighs. I saw how repulsed you were as you tried to wash my disgusting insides off your skin. I almost puke each day remembering it. So I don't want you to see me naked and remember that awful scene, you'll probably get turned off immediately, and I feel like I showed too much. I don't know what had gotten into me. I know we're almost married but some stuff you just don't fucking show to your partner, you know."
It was reasonable, it was logical, and Sara understood why her lover felt this way. Before her own memories haunted her brain, she decided to pause them. She felt too happy to crush herself with a past full of wounds left uncovered.
"If I don't accept you in your best and in your worst that means I'm not ready to be your wife and spend my life with you. When I bled right here in this spot after we had sex, you did not have any reaction and offered help, after that you had sex normally with me despite my fear that you would be repulsed seeing my vagina ever again. I know how you feel but trust me that's not how it is for me. I know pulling a tampon was the craziest thing you could imagine but some people pull their children out of their partners' vaginas." Tegan laughed. "And I'm ready to do that, too. And when you heal, I'll just normally fuck that same vagina."
"Wow. In case I was turned on before, I'm not anymore."
Sara laughed. "I'm just saying that you don't need to be embarrassed and hide. I'm not that type of person who wants to see the doll of you twenty-four hours. I love you even when your heavy flow is literally dripping on my thighs."
"No, don't say that." Tegan covered her face with the pillow once again. "I'm not gonna be that messy again. I hope I won't."
"You can be as messy as you want, as long as you're happy. You can bleed, you can pee, vomit and even shit on me if you'd like." Tegan's hand slapped her thigh in protest of the words she was uttering. "You get the point."
They spent the next five days moving their stuff to the new house. The graduation was on a Monday. They moved to the house on Saturday, the same day Adam had arrived. He was somehow more handsome in person, Tegan couldn't believe her eyes. She wondered if the infamous Audrey looked like that. Sara told her she didn't. Adam was a quiet man, but had some humor and was obsessed with books. In a way, he felt like the male version of her wife-to-be. It was not so bad, but Tegan hoped he did not have the bad traits of self-consciousness, possessiveness, and paranoia her lover had; since these genes were already quite strong in her own DNA.
They did not have sex during these five days. They were exhausted and stressed out. They did not have time. However, she did undress in front of Sara again. Sara pretended not to be looking, but she was aware that Sara's squinting lids were focused on her bare skin. She also hoped that gene that made Sara think of sex twenty-four hours a day was not strong in Adam, because she wouldn't want to have a sex-crazed kid. The thought alone made her laugh as she waited for her parents in the airport on Sunday.
Her mother and father hugged her, then her brother did. She did not know he was coming along with them. He did not bring his fiancée. They all hugged Sara, who was blushing furiously because it was her first time meeting Ted and Stephen, who were nicer than Tegan had thought. Sara was dressed in her best suit in order to impress the mother in law, who did not say much to her. Sonia spent the entire day talking to Tegan as Sara got to know the other two who came along.
"Are you still taking these fertility pills?" Sonia asked Tegan. She had not paid attention to the house, had not commented on it, had not said any word. She was only concerned about her daughter's health.
"Yes. We're actually going to try very soon." She was going to start ovulating within the next week.
"Yeah, you look bloated. Your breasts are larger; your face is rounder as well. You seem healthier."
"Yeah, they make me eat crazily."
They ate dinner and complimented Sara for her cooking skills. Sara was proud and happy. She clicked with Stephen and Ted more than Sonia, even though she had already planned a surprise for Tegan with Sonia. She wanted to take Tegan on a honeymoon. Sonia had asked her about her plans. Her budget was very limited; they were supposed to stay in a beach house for a week. Sonia offered a present from her, Stephen and Ted; a trip to Tegan's dream vacation place: Italy. Sara refused taking the offer, but Sonia persisted, so Sara offered to pay for the accommodation and Tegan's family for the tickets. They were going to surprise Tegan in the wedding dinner.
The couple was insanely happy that night. They made out for awhile and were almost ready to have sex, but they both decided to save it for the next day. They had to wake up early in the morning.
Monday was full. First thing they did was visit the clinic to make sure Tegan was ready for insemination. They wanted to do it at home, with Sara's help. Dr. Anderson explained what they had to do and gave them the necessary tools for their process. After the doctor visit, they took Adam to the cryobank. Sara had to make sure to take some of the donated sperm with her on that trip. She had no idea if it could lose its affect or not. She wanted to try. She did not even think it would take from the first try. Tegan had told her that her family also suffered from fertility issues, specifically, her mother. Maybe luck wasn't on their side in that particular matter; however, since Tegan consented, she wanted to try.
They went home after to get ready for the graduation. Sara had to be there, too. She had to wear a graduation robe as well. Tegan did not know that the faculty members had to do that and had to do a special kind of public parade in front of the audience before the graduate class entered. It was ridiculous and funny to see Sara in her PhD robe, hiding under there a very charming white dress that she had purchased three days ago. It was endearing to see Sara making sure to wear white on their big day.
It was a short dress, in fact. It stopped right above her knees and exposed the paleness of her legs. It was quite feminine; it was sleeveless and it showed a modest amount of her cleavage. Still, she decided to go with a new pair of shiny, silver Oxfords. Tegan, however, decided to go with a white shirt, black trousers, white oxfords, and black suspenders. Sara's eyes were full of lust as she eyed her lover's curvaceous body.
All of Tegan's friends were present at the graduation along with her best friend, who despite saying she did not want to be in the same room as Emily, still managed to show up in her summer dress, newly-dyed dark hair, and her daughter as her best accessory. Sara could see how Emily's eyes were hardly ignoring her, but Stacy was ignoring the younger woman at the courthouse when they were signing the marriage certificates. Tegan had tried to know why Emy was acting rudely towards Stacy, but Emy did not have a reasonable answer other than the purpose of humoring herself with the conceited older woman, those were her words. However, that day, Emy behaved as Tegan had requested from her. She did not mouth any rude comment, nor stare in indignation.
Tegan and Sara exchanged vows quickly, both of their faces were heated and nervous, both of their stomachs were filled with butterflies. When they kissed, Stacy and Ella clapped. It was quick, it was simple, but it made Sara the happiest she had ever been.
What made her feel happier was Tegan's expression when she saw her family and friends in the restaurant she and Sara had their first date in, all dressed up nicely, all waiting for them, all with the knowledge of them being just married. Sara could tell Tegan felt a sting of shame for not telling her parents when they both hugged her, playfully remarking that she should have told them about the date instead of knowing from their daughter in law. The thought of that was as exciting as it was peculiar.
"I can't believe somehow you managed to get married before me," Ted said. "I honestly thought you'd never do it."
Tegan laughed, shrugging. "Sometimes you change your mind."
Adam was also at the dinner. He talked to Jeremy and Denise most of the time until Sonia inquired, "Is he the only family member you have around, Sara?"
"Uhh…I, actually he doesn't live here but I invited him because he means a lot to me."
"How come you have not invited your mother?" Stephen asked and Sara's face turned crimson. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Sonia's little glare. Tegan tried to distract her, but she could tell that Sonia knew about that awful relationship she had with her mother, or maybe had an idea.
"Babe, can you pass me the salt please?" Tegan asked right after Stephen's question.
Sara passed the salt, but decided to answer the old man, "My family does not support same sex marriage. Only my cousin does, and he's here." Sara smiled. "My mother is not quite tolerant. I mean, I had a rocky relationship with her and we're trying to fix it lately, but I don't think she would rejoice knowing I married a woman."
"Fair enough," Stephen said. "I never thought nor imagined my daughter would be with a woman, but right now I am more than happy to see her with a smart, beautiful woman like you. I wish you two all the best." Tegan squealed in her seat. She was adorable, she looked adorable; it made Sara happy.
When Sonia and Sara told Tegan about the surprise honeymoon, the younger woman's jaw almost dropped to the floor. Stacy took pictures and her friends laughed. Sara was caught by surprise when Tegan kissed her passionately in front of everyone on their table. Pictures were taken. To say that Sara had imagined living such a beautiful day just a year ago, it would be an obvious lie.
Some days, you see nothing but death. The black corners slowly circling your life, slowly closing in till you lose that one word constantly vibrating in people's tongues: hope. Sara's life had been a nightmare, had been hopeless, had been a crumbled white sheet on the side of the road, had been a burnt tree in the forest, had been nothing but ashes and waste. She had no idea how this tree began to grow again, how that paper was picked and recycled, how that hope was ignited, how she woke up from that nightmare. It was true that the only truthful fact about life was that it changes within moments, either to the better or to the worse; one can only find out if they waited.
At the end of the night, before taking their flight, Sara received a text message from Jack:
"Congratulations, pearly eyes.
I hope she gives you the happiness and love I was too much of a fool not to provide.
Best wishes,
Jack."
And that was the last surprise.