A/N: There will be an update next week too! Enjoy :D
Indecision
Max gravitated toward her mom the moment she'd gotten home later that night. She never strayed far from her side the whole night. And when she'd sat on the couch to watch one of her weekly shows that Max typically didn't like to watch, Max sat down beside her. It was like some sort of magnetic pull kept her from going more than a few feet away.
It was clear that Neil was still brooding—he didn't bother watching TV. Instead, he retreated to his and her mom's room, only coming out every so often to walk into the kitchen to get another beer from the fridge. The hiss from the opening can made her jump in her seat as though it was coming after her. She couldn't help but track Neil with her eyes as he came and went, watching for any sign, subtle or not, that would imply he was up to something, seeking some kind of revenge against her. Not that she could do anything if he decided to push for punishment…or even raise his own hand against her. Or her mom.
She wanted to protect her, just in case he decided to turn his wrath against her. Especially after the conversation at dinner. Max wanted to make her feel safe. Or maybe she wanted to feel safe herself, even if it was only a tiny bit.
She'd been on edge, spun so tightly she felt she might shatter at any moment. She and Billy hadn't spoken to one another again, not after their argument. And both had seemed to walk on eggshells the moment Neil and Susan had returned home.
Susan tried to apologize to Billy the moment she'd gotten into the house. She'd seen him in the kitchen and opened her mouth to speak, a sad look on her face, but—as if he didn't want to hear it—Billy just turned to walk away without giving her a second glance. She even tried making his favorite food—Sloppy Joes—to show she was sorry. Max wasn't the biggest fan of those monstrosities, but Billy could easily eat three, sometimes four depending on if he'd eaten anything all day.
Everyone had gone to the table in silence, only the sound of chairs scraping the floor and Susan still moving around in the kitchen echoing through the house. Max tried to keep her eyes downcast, only taking a moment here and there to sneak a glance at Neil, who seemed just as wound tight as they were. His fists clenched on the table as he stared at his plate like he wanted to snap it in half. Max didn't miss how Billy carefully slid his chair a few more inches away from Neil as he sat down. The only person who smiled was her mom as she brought the plate of sandwiches to the table, giving Billy a pointed look as though to say, Look at what I made for you. But he didn't even react. If anything, he looked rather absent-minded, but Max could see the way he fiddled with his hands under the table. The twisting in Max's stomach matched.
I might actually throw up if I have to eat one of those, she had thought, her face scrunching as the smell of the sloppy joes filled her nose.
Neil hadn't waited for anyone, grabbing a sandwich and slapping it onto his plate with more force than necessary. He was always served first anyway, and for a couple of moments, no one else had moved.
"Am I the only one who is gonna eat around here?" Neil asked, his voice taking on a hint of irritation. After another pause, everyone slowly moved at once, grabbing a sandwich to put on their plates.
Max took a bite, but she didn't really taste it. Her appetite had quickly disappeared after the fiasco from earlier in the day, and now, all she wanted to do was retreat into her room to escape the thickening tension. She snuck a glance at Billy. He didn't seem to share her issue with eating dinner—his first sandwich was already down to its last bite, which he shoved into his mouth in one go. He reached for another, and Neil's hand moved forward to pull the tray away from Billy's reaching hand.
Max's heart took off, beating so hard against her chest, she thought she might take flight. She eyed Neil warily, and she couldn't help but wonder if he was going to tell Billy he couldn't have anymore. Neil glared at Billy, his lip curling in disgust just slightly. The eeriness that began to crawl over her skin seemed to bleed into Billy as he chewed the food in his mouth slowly, swallowing loud enough that it echoed across the room before he finally glanced at Neil with slightly wide, confused eyes.
"Were you going to ask for seconds or just keep shoveling in food like there's no one else here who might want some?" Neil growled.
Max only stared at the plate still full of sandwiches, more than enough for them all to have one or two more should they want to, yet Neil acted as though Billy had eaten half the plate. Her mom always made a lot specifically because Billy enjoyed them, and she couldn't help but wonder if Neil knew that and was using it against him. It had to be clear to everyone, not just her, that he was still angry about earlier.
"I…um…there's plenty…so..." Billy said, frowning at the food like it was the enemy.
"You thought you'd forget your manners? Am I getting that right, son? Seems it's not the only thing you've forgotten today, huh?" Neil said, turning a bit more in his seat. "Do I need to have a good, long discussion with you about asking for permission? Did your brain forget how that works while you're on punishment?"
"No...I didn't forget," Billy grumbled.
Neil raised a brow. "Well, you could have fooled me. First with the damn car–"
"Neil, I told you it was my fault," Susan said. Her voice went soft at the end when his head snapped to her. By the look he gave and the way he ground his jaw, it was clear to Max he didn't like how her mom interrupted him. Max scrunched her toes under the table to keep herself from scooting her chair back and fleeing from the room when that gaze turned to her, then back to her mom.
"Yeah, but I need to make sure we are all on the same page. All. Of us," he said. Max hated the way he focused on each of them singularly, like they were failures. She looked away when the heat of his stare felt too hot on her face. The sandwich looked on the outside how she felt on the inside–messy and deflated. When she snuck another glance back at Neil to see him still staring—this time pointedly at her plate—she felt her arms move to pick it up, taking a bite just to escape him again.
Max had lingered after dinner, helping her mother clear away the plates so Billy could do the dishes per Neil's demand. She felt Susan's gaze on her face multiple times, but Max knew if she met her mother's eyes, she'd probably cry from all the pent-up emotions from earlier. So, she never did. Instead, she tried to take comfort in being near her, which is how she found herself on the couch with her arms around her mom's waist. Max hadn't sought comfort in her mom this way in a long time, but somehow, lying on her chest and listening to her heart was doing more to comfort her than anything had in a long time. It felt as though the embrace would protect her.
You'll be one sorry little girl…
Neil's words from earlier haunted her, floating in her mind to remind her that she would never be completely safe. She'd thought about telling her mom what happened after the call multiple times, but the words were stuck in her throat, choking her. Squeezing tight just like Neil's grip on her arm. But it was because of that feeling that she would just open her mouth and no sound would come out. Her brain was one step ahead, because what could her mom actually do?
Nothing. She could do nothing to Neil…She's as stuck as I am…
Max's fingers ghosted over her arm, the phantom feeling of Neil's grip still there like he had never let go. Her mother's words slipped inside, mingling against Neil's for dominance in her mind.
If someone…anyone ever puts their hands on you, Max, I want you to tell me, okay?
Max looked up at her mom as her thoughts steered toward the phone call from earlier. Surely she'd have heard what was happening…heard her cuss at Neil. Hell, she likely even heard the noise in the background as he chased Billy around the living room. Yet, not once had she brought it up.
Should I say something?
Susan looked over at her and gave her a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. Max opened her mouth but closed it again when her mother's arms tightened around her. As though to say, I'm here. She swallowed down the words, placed her head back onto her mother's chest, and ignored the sting of tears in her eyes.
It was then that Billy left the kitchen with his head down and his feet moving slowly. Much slower than normal, which made Max think he was lost in thought. He glanced over towards the couch, and she assumed he was just checking for a sign of Neil, but when his eyes caught on her there instead, his steps faltered. His brow creased, and he looked towards the TV and back at her like he couldn't figure out why she would be watching what her mother and Neil usually watched. At least, that's what she took from the almost soured look on his face and the way he lingered there in the doorway. He avoided looking at Susan, but did glance at the empty seat on the couch before scowling and stomping down the hall. After all, his room was the one place that provided any kind of hideout. She knew that because hers was as well, and if Neil came out to join them, she'd almost feel that urge to flee.
Max blinked slowly, her eyes heavy. When she closed her eyes, she could still see the way Neil had towered over her, his face contorted into a mask of rage. Max had been so sure at that moment that he was going to finally hit her. Instinct had said to run, but her body wouldn't move. All she could do was stare at him in shock, waiting for him to decide. That feeling of helplessness had gripped her as tightly as he had, worming its way into her veins. In that moment, she had finally understood Billy's fear…the way it seemed to freeze him on the spot. The thing that made his legs no longer work as Neil pointed at him when he'd tried to take a step closer to them. The way his eyes went wide every time he saw the same exact look on Neil's face that she had been seeing. Only that time, it was just for her.
She'd once asked Billy why he didn't fight back, and she hadn't really understood when he dismissed it. But she did understand, after finally getting a glimpse into the eyes of the monster himself. She wouldn't have stood a chance. Hell, she'd gotten lucky…but just barely…
Just because he hasn't punched you in the face yet.
Yet…
It was only a matter of time. Neil was a ticking time bomb, and every word out of her mouth was another minute off the clock.
She gripped her mom tighter.
. . .
Max had started to fall asleep when her mom decided it was time to go to bed. She'd retreated to her room, feeling no better than before, and somehow, stepping inside what was usually her safe space did nothing to ease the knots in her stomach. She sighed and flipped the light on.
Tink tink tink.
Max jumped at the sound of tapping at her window, nearly stumbling into the door.
Tink tink tink.
She stared at the curtains covering her window, the tapping quickening. Ignoring the pulse of her heart, she frowned a little at the sound and snuck a glance into the hall to make sure no one else heard before closing her door. She took careful steps towards the window while asking herself if she was like those crazy people in movies who investigated the potentially scary noises. But the need to know overwhelmed her, compelling her forward.
Max grabbed the first thing she saw—a dictionary from her shelf. With the blunt object tightly gripped in her trembling hands, she pulled back the curtain, and her breath caught in her throat. A gasp escaped her lips as she came face to face with Lucas, his hands tucked into his jacket, his presence a stark contrast to the chill of the night. The wisps of his breath mingled with the cold air, creating a ghostly aura around him.
"Lucas?!"
How long has he been out there?
She quickly set down the dictionary and pulled up on the window, trying to be mindful of the broken ledge so she didn't make any noise that might alert anyone else in the house. Before she could even greet Lucas or ask questions, he gripped the ledge and leaned forward, his eyes looking all over her face as he began to bombard her with questions.
"Are you ok? Are you hurt? What happened?" His voice was just above a whisper. She winced, flailing her arms as she turned to look at the door. "I heard–"
Max put a finger to her lips. "Shh, Lucas…you have to whisper!" she pleaded, her heart dropping. She kept turning to glance at the door. "What are you doing here?"
He took a deep breath, and his voice came out like a runner who just finished a marathon, but more of a whisper than before. "I heard yelling on the phone and then…the line cut. I got worried so I rushed over." He took a shaky breath. "I thought about ringing the door but…I didn't know if that'd make things worse. So I just kept knocking on your window, but you didn't answer, and I was starting to think something happened to you."
Max was stunned, and her heart warmed, leaving a tingling sensation behind. Then she realized what he said. "Wait, how long have you been out here?"
He was shivering, which explained why his hands were shoved inside his pockets and his arms were tucked in tight. She also noticed he bounced on his feet a little, as though to keep moving. And when he wasn't speaking, he sniffled, occasionally wiping at his nose with his shoulder.
"A couple hours now. Since six…I think. Glad you finally showed up. My fingers feel like they're about to fall off," he said with an awkward laugh.
On most days, Max would have been in her room already, but this time, she'd been with her mom. And he'd waited for her…
"You really are a stalker," she said, shaking her head, a small smile bracing her lips.
He gave her a shrug. "Are you though? Okay, I mean?"
She glanced back at the door again, making sure it was still closed tight. Somehow, she was afraid to look at it, thinking that Neil would still be wedged in the frame hunched over with a belt in his hand. What if he'd come in there to investigate the tapping? She shuddered at the thought, knowing how Neil felt about Lucas and his family–it would be a catastrophe, and she didn't want Lucas to be subjected to Neil's wrath.
"I'm ok," she finally said, but her voice was soft. She wanted that worried expression to leave his face. He kept looking her over like he was looking for something, but she couldn't bring herself to say that she was less okay on the inside.
"Are you sure?"
Max nodded, trying to make her voice sound casual. "Yeah, everything's fine now."
Lucas stared, and she knew that look. He didn't believe her.
"So was that it?" she asked, glancing down at the window ledge, unable to take his look of concern.
"Oh–" He reached into his backpack. "Well, I brought the flier like you asked."
Max just stared at it for a moment, and then slowly grabbed it, but her eyes didn't read the words. She let them go blurry, morphing into one another while she debated just handing it back to him and saying, "No thanks." But she didn't do that either. She merely stared down at it.
Lucas fidgeted in the silence and cleared his throat. "Turns out, they have multiple sports options. Basketball, volleyball, and even ice skating. Erica didn't want to do any, so my mom forced her to choose that one…" He gave a small chuckle, but Max hadn't moved, saying nothing.
She blinked, letting her eyes focus again and read over the information. My plan might actually not be a bust…
The camp was in the opposite direction of Indy, but the bus left near Hawkins at 8 am on Saturday, the day of the tournament. She could sneak away and head to the Greyhound travel bus to Indianapolis after being dropped off. The tournament was set to start at ten that morning, which meant she would have plenty of time to get there. It was perfect…and yet…
You'll be one sorry little girl.
He'd said it regarding how she'd spoken to him…but the words felt like an umbrella hanging over her head. Something inside of her knew that Neil had meant it for more than just her mouth…it was a threat to not cross him again. He'd make her sorry.
The memory of him chasing Billy down, belt swinging wildly, entered her mind against her will, but this time, it wasn't Billy he was chasing–it was her. Or worse…both of them, running from the sting of the belt as it flailed around them, looking to make contact with any part of exposed skin. Because if she followed through with her plan, and got caught…there was no telling what would happen...to either of them.
And Billy would be blamed…after all, he'd be the one to drop her off at the buses. If he didn't stick around to make sure she got on the right one—and she knew he wouldn't—it would be partially his fault. At least, that's the way Neil would see it—she was sure. But the entire reason she was doing the tournament was to get the tickets for Billy, she had to get those damn tickets…
But...what if I do get caught?
"Max…is something wrong?" Lucas said, his voice soft as he glanced between her and the flier. "You don't want them anymore?"
"No, I do…I just…" She sighed. "Have you ever felt like you shouldn't do something, even though everything in your body is telling you to do it?"
Lucas shrugged. "Well there was this one time I wanted some cake, but I hadn't eaten dinner, so in the middle of the night, I snuck into the kitchen to take some bites right from the cake thinking my mom wouldn't notice. She did. It was worth it though."
She smiled. Then frowned.
"Max, if anything's wrong…You know you can tell me…"
There was a deafening pause.
"It's nothing," she said, resisting the urge to look at the door again. She gave him the best reassuring smile she could muster up. "Thanks, Lucas. Get home safe ok. I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"
Max leaned forward to give a quick kiss on his cheek, shuddering at the coldness of his skin. His brow furrowed once more as he took a step back, but she waved him off. As he finally turned to leave, she shut the window as softly as possible and closed the curtains. With a long exhale, she slumped onto her bed, squeezing her eyes shut. Asking her mom for permission to go to camp would set things in motion, and she was leaving on Friday for her training, which meant Max's time to decide was a small margin. If she asked, she knew her mom would likely be excited about her wanting to do something, even if it was actually a lie–not that she'd know that, but to back out again would raise too many questions.
She growled into her pillow and kicked her feet in frustration. Maybe she just needed to sleep on it and would wake to some clarity in the morning.
Yeah… just go to sleep, Max, and it will all work itself out…
. . .
Things were not clear. Max opened her eyes to feel like she hadn't slept at all. Feeling the knots in her hair and seeing the way the sheets were twisted around her legs was all the proof she needed that she'd tossed and turned all night.
Even my subconscious is a damn mess, she thought. With a dramatic sigh, she pried herself out of bed, kicking at the blankets angrily. She threw on a sweater, not even bothering to pay any mind to what she grabbed as her stomach growled angrily at her. Not eating more than one of the stupid sloppy joes was coming back to kick her in the ass.
She moved around her bed only to see the sports flier discarded on the ground. Thinking it must have fallen off the bed during the night, she scooped it up, folded the paper, and tucked it into her back pocket just in case.
Max opened her door to head down the hall to the bathroom when the sound of someone moving in the kitchen stopped her in her tracks. She waited a moment, listening for any sign of who it could be, but seeing Billy's door closed told her it wasn't him. She hadn't thought it would be Neil either considering he was supposed to be at work, but the last thing she wanted was to be wrong and end up alone with him in the kitchen.
With footsteps as light as she could make them, she headed toward the kitchen. The sudden whiff of eggs and buttered toast made her mouth water. Which meant it could only be one person.
Max stood in the doorway and took in the sight of her mother moving about the kitchen. She was shocked to see her home from work and wondered if it could have had something to do with yesterday. She bit her lip and looked around for any sign of Billy or Neil. With no one else in sight, she knew this would be her one free moment to talk to her mom about the camp. The flier came to the front of her mind. Max nibbled her lip anxiously in thought.
To ask or not to ask…
Max wondered for a moment if perhaps she had been overthinking the whole thing. The camp would give her the perfect cover story, and as long as no one caught on, then she could actually get away with it…No one would know where she actually went, which meant Billy couldn't be blamed, and he'd stay out of trouble. As long as her cover story stuck like a sticky trap.
Max took a step into the kitchen, and the floor creaked, making Susan turn to look. She smiled when she noticed it was Max and waved her in. "Oh, good morning, sweety. Want some breakfast?"
Max simply nodded, shifting on her heels. "I didn't know you'd be home today," she said, and her mother smiled.
"I didn't mention that?" she asked. Max shook her head no. "Oh, well they gave me today off since I'll be leaving out on the weekend."
Max stayed silent, letting the reminder of her mother leaving wash over her. Butterflies rolled around in her stomach. There was still such a hesitance to go to Indianapolis brewing in the back of her mind, that same thick fog settling over her, almost slowing her down. Because if she did go and take the risk and they found out, it would seem like she was running away again. And Billy would be blamed for that. If they found out she was getting Metallica tickets, they would know it was for Billy, and he would be blamed again because it would look like he sent her there. Every road of getting caught could somehow be tied to Billy, and not because Max wanted that to be the case, but because she had seen it happen before. Neil saw her as nothing more than a little girl, and that made Billy responsible for her actions when they weren't around. But this time, she didn't want that. The idea of Billy getting in trouble for her actions again made something sour form in her mouth. He'd never forgive her if she got caught going to Indy.
I can't let that happen…not after everything…
After that display yesterday, Neil was going to be watching closely, because even though there was an explanation for Billy's actions, it was like he still saw it as a mess up. Yet even with all of that swirling in her mind, she wanted more than anything to win those tickets. To see the look on Billy's face when she handed them to him. Sure, he'd be mad that she went. But she'd know that deep down, it was the only thing he wanted at that time. Then they'd be even. They would…right?
So why did that thought not relax her?
Max huffed and rubbed at the ache that formed in her shoulders.
"Max?"
Hearing her mother's voice cut through her thoughts. She straightened.
"Baby, what's wrong? Something on your mind?"
Max shook her head. "No…nothing," she mumbled, but her hands continued to fidget as she stood there. She was still, but her mind was stuck pacing back and forth. A twinge in her temple made her huff out a breath. She tried to focus on her mother instead, watching as she finished cooking breakfast.
Eventually, Max sat down when her mom ushered for her to come to the table and placed plates down for two. She gave her some scrambled eggs, maple sausages, and a bowl of oatmeal. Susan sat next to her and began to eat, but Max could only tap the table like a ball of nerves.
"So, Mom…" Max said after a while. "I was thinking…my friend called and invited me to this overnight camp with hi—her this weekend and–"
She stopped short as the sight of Billy walking in snagged her peripherals. Her tongue became lodged for a moment as she watched him pull out the chair across from her and plop down with a dramatic sigh. His eyes were hooded and red, which told her he had only just woken up, which was further obvious by the giant yawn that came from his mouth. It was only just past 8 in the morning and Neil wasn't home, which meant Billy was up… willingly! She wanted to throw her oatmeal at him and scream, Of all the times, you decided to wake up early NOW?! The moment she started speaking again, he was going to hear everything she said, and if she slipped up—if her story didn't fit—he would be the one who'd notice. She had hoped to ask her mom and get everything in order without Billy knowing the details…especially as they came right from her mouth.
Max released the tension in her jaw and looked away as he looked up at them both.
He would look really good covered in oatmeal right now…
Max looked over at her mom to see she looked just as surprised to see Billy awake and at the table so early. Her spoon had paused mid-way to her mouth, and, as though her brain finally caught up, she dropped it back into her bowl. "O-Oh…are you joining us for breakfast, Billy? Do you want a plate?" she asked as she started to stand again.
"Nah, not hungry," he mumbled without even looking at her. Susan glanced at Max, who shrugged and took her first bite of oatmeal, her brain still trying to make sense of Billy even joining them in the first place.
The fact that he wouldn't even look at Susan, or even say good morning to them made Max wonder if he was only there to annoy them. If it weren't for the fact that he looked so sleepy and out of it still, she would bet he was there to let loose on her and her mom or something. Some stupid half-hearted attempt to make her feel guilty for asking for his help. It wouldn't have been the first time Billy was an ass just to try and prove he was upset. A couple of the main ways had always been for him to not want Susan's food, or to just ignore her completely while being in the same room.
Max opened her mouth to continue what she had been saying, but her mom spoke first.
"You sure you don't want a plate?"
"Yeah–" Billy said.
"It will only take a second."
"I told you I'm not hungry–"
"Oh, please!" Max scoffed and shoved her plate across the table, causing Billy to throw out his hand to keep it from falling into his lap. His eyes snapped to hers and his brow furrowed as though his half-asleep brain was trying to figure out what just happened. Max couldn't handle another back-and-forth with him, even if she wasn't the one actually in the conversation. Her mind was preoccupied, and all she cared about in the moment was talking to her mom before she bowed out and changed her mind.
"I said I don't want any!" Billy said with a loud huff. He ground his jaw and glared at Max from across the table, pushing the plate back toward the middle. His nostrils flared, and he slumped back in his seat, crossing his arms. Normally, that look would have made her backtrack because it was the same one he had given her many times right before he did something to punish her, but at that moment, it only annoyed her. His expression shifted, and he looked like a scolded child in that moment as he huffed. She wondered if he was about to stomp his foot too, and the thought only annoyed her further.
"I can hear your stomach growling from all the way over here. And why else come to the table if you aren't going to eat?" She raised a brow, and he rolled his eyes. He muttered something that sounded like 'whatever' and grabbed the fork to stab at a sausage. He bit it dramatically and stared at her as he chewed, which only made her really, really want to throw something at him.
She didn't have time for Billy's antics. Or whatever his random appearance in the dining room was supposed to be. The last thing she needed was for her mom to be in a bad mood right as she was about to ask for something. She'd waited until breakfast so that Neil wouldn't be around to interfere, and she'd expected Billy to stay in bed as he normally did. But she couldn't deny that him being there would mean he'd hear about the camp and would believe that's where she'd be, just like their parents would…if she actually decided to go. He just needed to cooperate long enough for her to even ask in the first place.
"So what were you saying, Max?" Susan asked as she cleared her throat.
Max swallowed. Having her mother's undivided attention—on top of Billy still staring at her—made her squirm in her seat. Don't mess this up, Max. She cleared her throat. "Well I…I-I was wondering, since you will be away, if…if I could go to a sports camp this weekend?"
Billy stopped chewing on his sausage link and raised a high brow, looking at her as if to say, "You want to go to a sports camp?"
She ignored the scrutiny of his sharp gaze and pulled the somewhat crumpled flier from her pocket. She unfolded it and tried to quickly smooth out some of the wrinkles before holding it out to her mom.
Susan wiped her mouth and set down her spoon, then took it. "Where did you get this?"
"My uh… My friend gave it to me a while ago. I just hadn't really paid attention until now. It seems like it could be fun…"
Max glanced at Billy and resisted the urge to wince under his stare. It felt like his eyes were trying to dig into her brain and read her mind. Somehow he had the ability to see right through her sometimes. She looked away so her face wouldn't crack under the pressure and looked back to her mom, who read over the flier. Why can't he just leave already?
Max tapped her toes on the ground, her leg bouncing nervously as she waited for her mom to finish reading. After another few seconds, she couldn't stand the silence and said, "It has volleyball…and other sports I could choose from. Even ice skating…since skateboarding isn't an option."
A small smile formed on Susan's face. Then it slowly turned into a wide grin. She let out a sigh and a little laugh. And when she looked at Max, her eyes softened as she reached across the table to squeeze Max's hand. "Honey, this is such a great idea. I think it would be great for you to get out of the house and hang out with some girls your age." She set the flier aside and picked up her spoon again, the smile still etched on her face. "I'll let Neil know later."
Max never took her eyes off her mom, even when she let go of her hand. Susan leaned back, her body visibly relaxing into the chair.
"Mom, you seem….relieved?" she said.
Susan blinked and chewed her lip for a moment. "Oh, um..well it's just that…I thought you might appreciate a change of scenery for the weekend. You know, just some time away?"
Until now, Max hadn't thought to consider whether her mom might have been concerned about leaving her alone over the weekend. But hearing that exhale of relief in her mom's words and the way her face warmed up made her think she really was relieved that Max would be out of the house too.
Max returned her mom's smile as best she could, feeling some of the tension ease out of her shoulders. Her pulse slowed again—she couldn't feel it thumping wildly in her chest anymore. She'd done it. She'd set things in motion.
Billy finally seemed to stop paying attention and started chewing loudly as he shoveled scrambled eggs into his mouth. Max scrunched her nose at the sound and stood to make herself another plate.
Her stomach growled painfully despite the way it seemed to be warring against her since the Neil fiasco. She ate slowly to avoid making herself sick and looked up from her plate to see that Billy had finished his. He just sat there and stared at his empty plate, swirling the fork around in the grease from the sausages. She frowned at the sight. He looked almost in thought again, like he did last night when he saw her watching TV with her mom. The question that was at the tip of her tongue was why. Why are you still here? She couldn't remember the last morning Billy had stuck around once he'd finished his food. It was usually like a race to see how quickly he could scarf down some eggs or cereal and then disappear into his room again. Hell, the fact that he was up now at all was still mind-boggling to her. What was his motive?
Billy's jaw churned. For a moment, his fist tightened on the fork. Max was surprised the metal wasn't bent when he sat it down on the plate with a slight clatter. He sighed heavily and looked over at her mom. As soon as he cleared his throat, she looked up.
"Want me to wash the dishes…ma'am?" His face instantly scrunched at the word, quickly turning into a grimace as he curled his nose in disgust at the way it sounded, like the syllables were bitter brussle sprouts he needed to spit out.
Max's head jerked up from her bowl of oatmeal, her mouth agape.
Ma'am? Are you kidding me?
Max turned to see her mom holding the same baffled expression. "U-Uh…" was all Susan could say. After a moment, she shook her head. "N-No you, you don't have to," she said, her eyes wide as though she was surprised he spoke, let alone offered to help. "And you don't have to call me ma'am. Susan is fine."
Billy's relief was so visible, it practically radiated from his face. His shoulders slumped as he exhaled, looking up to the ceiling as if to say, "Thank God!" He was not used to saying stuff like that to Susan, and it was obvious he wasn't trying to start. Still, he sat there, scratching his head. His mouth moved to one side as he drummed his fingers on the table.
"Um…yeah whatever… You…uh… Dammit," he huffed. "Do you need help with shopping tomorrow, I guess? Since you won't be here… and we gotta eat, so..."
Max's jaw nearly hit the floor. Dishes? Shopping? What the hell? This whole time she could have sworn he was angry with her mom…so why was he offering favors? Did Neil say he had to? Or maybe… She thought for a moment. Is he still…trying to be nice? Even after all that…
Susan was stunned too, but she gave a small, reassuring smile. "Aw, that's very nice of you. But I don't want you to get in trouble with your dad again…"
Billy ground his teeth and raised a hand to rub at his mouth before letting it flop back into his lap. He gave her a curt nod, but his nostrils flared. Max couldn't look away. Now she was the one analyzing him, trying to see into his brain for the explanation for whatever the hell was happening.
No…no not quite…nice, Max thought. What is he—
"There's seriously nothing you want?" he said as he shifted in his seat again, struggling to meet Susan's eyes.
Max's eyes flared at the familiar words, something clicking in her brain. He's trying to thank her, she thought, stunned. She half expected him to pull another $20 out of his pocket and hand it to her mom. The struggle that was surely happening in his mind seemed to consume him. Max was thrown, considering the way Billy had practically ignored Susan's existence yesterday. Not to mention how he gave her those looks…she would have never guessed, but if her mom hadn't explained things to Neil, Billy wouldn't be sitting right now.
A slight smirk formed on Max's face as everything began to make sense.
"Oh, I wouldn't want to interrupt your day, Billy. I'm sure you have more important things to do than helping me," Susan said.
Billy's face had gone red at her words as though he struggled to process how to proceed. Max snapped to her mom, a tight quirk on her lips. Darn it, mom! He's trying to help you as a thank you and you're not letting him. Max knew that 'thank yous' weren't usually existent in Billy's mind—she was still shocked that he'd said it to her. He was out of his element, and it was clear her mother wasn't picking up on the queues.
Max cleared her throat. "Mom, didn't you need help getting things down from the cabinets so they were easier to reach? You know since you got the new plate set? And didn't you want to move the dryer so you could clean behind it? Can't really move it on your own, right?"
Susan furrowed her brows as if she was trying to remember saying those things. Max moved her leg under the table to nudge her, getting her attention. She tried to plead with her eyes and glanced at Billy, then looked back as though to say, Remember our conversation? You know, the part where you said you wouldn't stop trying to be a mother to Billy? Now is your moment!
The look of confusion stayed there on Susan's face for a moment, but the more Max looked at Billy and then back, giving a small motion with her hand, the more her eyebrows slowly raised. With a little gasp, it seemed to click, and Max held back her sigh of relief.
"Right…right, Max. I do need help with the cabinets. You know I struggle to reach the top," she said with a laugh that sounded a bit too close to being fake. Max cringed a little, biting her lip and nodding along. "Thanks for reminding me, sweetheart. Billy, do you think that would be okay with you? Helping me later today with getting things down?"
He nodded but didn't meet her gaze again, his jaw still clenched tight as he mumbled, "I guess…"
Susan stood and gathered the dishes, and as though it was a sign of dismissal, Billy pushed back from the table to leave, moving so quickly, like he couldn't stand to be there for a second longer. Max, with a smirk, trailed behind him down the hall and sharply whispered, "You suck at thank yous."
"Shut up."
His retort was quick and had a distinct edge to it as he swiftly retreated into his room. Max couldn't help but wonder if Billy's abrupt exit was fueled by a touch of embarrassment, a sign that maybe he hadn't expected his gratitude to be called into question.
She smiled.
. . .
Susan was quick to call the number on the flier to enroll Max in the program shortly after breakfast. A slight guilt washed over Max when she saw her mom bring out her credit card to pay for a camp Max wouldn't even be attending. It became clear as the afternoon went along that her mom was happy she was going to camp. She had a peppy bounce in her step and asked Max multiple times if she was excited. And even though the guilt from lying held her in invisible shackles, she couldn't bring herself to stray very far from her mom. She'd helped her pack her things, folded clothes, looked for the travel-sized products in the bathroom, and even made them sandwiches for lunch since her mom was too busy to slow down. It was all moving so fast that Max felt dizzy, like she might finally combust from the pressure building in her chest.
Neil hadn't spoken to her about the trip. Actually, he hadn't said a single word to her at all, nor had he spared a glance in her direction since he got home, like he didn't actually care. She could only assume her mom had told him, and she took his silence to mean he didn't object. If anything, he only seemed to care about getting things prepared for her mom to leave and made himself busy with his own tasks around the house. It was the first time in a long while that they were all collectively productive as a family, and Max didn't know how to feel about it.
Friday came quickly. There was a buzz in the air as her mother's things were packed and ready to go by the front door. She'd been moving about the house since sunrise, combing over every little thing on her list. Neil waited by the door with his arms crossed as she came down the hall finally with Max on her heels.
"Okay, I think I'm ready…" she said to Neil, and he gave a clipped nod before grabbing the suitcase and going outside. Susan grabbed her purse, then turned to Max. "Oh, and before I forget…" She pulled out a crisp $20 bill and handed it to her with a wide, beaming smile. "In case you need anything."
Just a round trip to Indianapolis, Max thought. She took the money and looked at it while trying to choke down her guilt. It seemed to live in the back of her throat, threatening to spill out every time her mom gave her that smile of encouragement. She knew she'd use the money for the bus ticket, and she knew that's not what her mother had in mind. The guilt was on her tongue now and it burnt like stomach acid. She wanted to spit it out.
Max was pulled from her thoughts as her mother's arms went around her, pulling her in for a hug. "Oh, I'm so proud of you! Have fun, okay? I want to hear all about it on Sunday."
She waved bye to her mom, putting on the best smile she could manage. When the door shut, she looked down at the folded bill in her hand and sighed. As horrible as it was, she had hoped for more money. What her mom gave her was only going to cover the bus ride, which meant she had nothing for the actual tournament. Nothing…except the cash Billy gave her…
Max made slow steps back into her room before closing the door. She stared at her dresser for a moment before walking over to open the top drawer, digging past her socks to the back where she had stashed the $20 Billy had given her.
She wanted to avoid using it. To her, that $20 bill was more than just money. It reminded her of the deal they made that night. He'd be nicer to her. In return, she wouldn't get him into any more trouble. To spend that would feel like the deal would be broken—the symbol for it would be gone. Especially if she used it for the tournament. It felt like so much progress had been made that if she got him in trouble, it would wipe out that progress–and she feared he'd hate her forever. So she'd hidden it away, letting it remain a constant reminder of where they'd come from and the promise she fought to keep. Yet, what choice did she have if she wanted to win him those tickets? She'd have to trade it, the money and the deal, to get Billy something he really wanted. Something he deserved.
She placed the two bills together and folded them neatly before putting them into her backpack.
For the rest of the night, Max stayed in her room. Even when they'd ordered pizza for dinner, she could only manage one slice. Thankfully Neil hadn't made an effort to talk during dinner other than to order Billy to walk her to the bus station the next day, never even looking her way when he said it or when she excused herself. Not that she cared as she fled to her room again.
One more day, Max. Then you decide.
. . .
Max hadn't slept well again. She'd woken just as the sun was rising with the cold realization that the time had come. It was Saturday. December 29th. Tournament Day.
Max filled her backpack with some gym clothes after getting dressed. Better to be prepared as though she was going to camp in case someone looked into her bag. After all, she still needed to keep up that appearance once she returned home.
The buses for the camp were set to leave before 8, which meant that Billy had to get up even earlier than when he drove her to school. So she wasn't surprised to see the groggy glare on his face when she walked into the living room with her bag on her shoulder and her nerves flayed wide open. She gripped the strap tighter to keep herself from shaking. Was it too late to back out?
You could just board the bus to camp…suffer a day of sports instead…
Billy motioned for her to go first, and she huffed before going. He locked the door and immediately pulled a cigarette from his pocket.
What a great breakfast, she thought as they started walking down the street. Only the sounds of Billy's inhales and exhales filled the silence for a moment as Max chewed her nail in thought. She watched the cracks in the sidewalk as they passed one after the other. Billy's voice, sleepy and rough, made her jump.
"How many bruises you think you'll come back with? Think they'll be in the shape of a volleyball?" he asked, giving her a smirk.
"Don't start with me, Billy. I'm not in the mood," Max snapped, giving him a sideways glare. It was hard enough to focus on walking to the bus, let alone hearing him joke about how terrible she was at sports.
"Ok, damn. What the hell is your problem?"
She looked up for a moment. This was her being "bitchy" again, wasn't it? Surprised he hasn't said it first… "Sorry..." she finally said. "It's just a rough morning. I didn't sleep well last night.."
"So why go then?" he asked, flicking his cigarette. "Why the hell are you interested in camp all of a sudden?"
Max shrugged. "Just felt like it."
"You said you hate volleyball."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, why are you going to volleyball camp?"
She shrugged again as Billy blew out another puff of smoke. When she glanced at him again, he was staring with an eyebrow raised in a way that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. His eyes held that stark suspicion he always had whenever he knew she was lying. Max knew she couldn't tell him the truth, but she needed something that would make him believe her reasoning for going. Because there was no denying that she did hate volleyball.
"I… just wanted to get out of the house…especially after that happened," she said. And it was the truth. She hated the way Neil seemed to be just as laser-focused on her as he was on Billy. She had pushed him further this time than ever before.
Billy looked away and dropped his cigarette, stomping at it as they continued. His breath created its own smoke from the cold. He shook his head, giving a long exhale.
"He's just been so on edge lately…" he mumbled.
She knew he at least could understand her desire to get away. She knew he would too if he had the opportunity. But he stated that fact as though it was something new and she frowned at the thought. "Seems to me like he's always on edge."
"No…this is different," he said with a sigh, but that seemed to end the conversation, and he didn't ask again about the camp.
Max was glad he'd let it go; she hardly had it in her to focus on walking without stumbling. The fitful sleeps hadn't done anything to improve her mood either, and now being outside in the winter was only making it worse. It was sunny, clear skies, but still cold. Max wished she had put on thicker socks, but hopefully the bus would at least be warm. Billy kept blowing into his cupped hands to warm them, and she could see a blush of crimson creeping up from his fingertips, consuming his palms.
"Shit man." Billy pulled a pair of gloves–the ones from Christmas–from his pocket and quickly slipped them on. Max stared in awe, her steps faltering for just a moment.
He didn't throw them away…
"What?" he snapped.
She shook her head, but couldn't hold back the small smile that pulled at the corners of her mouth.
"I'm gonna start charging you for staring," he snapped as they made it to the bus stop. Just in time as it pulled onto the street. Max hugged her arms tighter as the wind picked up.
They rode in silence. Billy sat close to the heater, not bothering to move when Max joined him. Occasionally, he'd grumble about the "stupid cold" and the "stupid punishment". It didn't take a rocket scientist to know Billy couldn't wait for winter break to be over so he could have his freedom back. At least some of it. Max knew he longed for his car, to be able to drive anywhere he wanted without the hassle of telling anyone.
Finally, they reached their stop. As they climbed off, Max pulled the sports flier from her pocket.
"It says we need to go to the sports store on Wheeling. The bus is picking up people from there," she said.
Billy didn't respond and just started walking down the street again before turning on another. There in the distance, Max spotted a white charter bus parked right outside a place called Sports Corner. A line of girls waited to board, signing in at a table set up by the giant window, all with bright smiles and backpacks of their own.
At least I look convincing… minus the giant smile.
With each step nearing the bus, Max felt her feet grow heavy, slower. A numbing sensation that started in her toes quickly climbed to her hands and her face. She wasn't sure if she was just cold or if it was just the panic that was rapidly weighing her down. She willed her feet to go faster, but it was like her brain had misfired. She was like a robot with only one setting.
"Pick up the pace, Max. Come on. Keep up!" Billy barked, shivering. His nose had gone red, and he stared at her like she was crazy for walking so slowly. Max stopped and blinked, realizing he was only a few yards from the bus, but she was at least ten paces from him. At his words, she snapped out of her trance and jogged to catch up.
Max fidgeted with her backpack straps, loosening and tightening them over and over to keep her hands busy. Billy's legs still moved faster than hers, and she struggled to keep up with him. "Hey, Billy…will you… be ok at home?"
"Why?"
"Well it's…It's just going to be you and Neil until he heads off to work."
"Yeah, and?"
Max bit her lip.
"What? You think I'll be safer with any of you around?"
Silence. The cold made it harder to breathe with every step she took. In some ways, she couldn't help but worry about him being okay with only Neil in the house. Without someone there to stop him if he thought Billy needed to be punished for something. She felt her stomach twist again and opened her mouth to speak, but Billy came to a screeching halt when some of the girls from the line began to squeal and laugh. He curled his lip in disgust and turned to her.
"Yeah, I'm not going over there with that loud shit. Too damn early." He shook his head. "Have fun as sissy camp. Try to come back in one piece." He smirked and then turned to walk away, leaving her standing there.
She didn't move, only stared at his back as he tucked his hands into his pockets and stomped away. The time had come to decide, and all the noise around her became muffled like a distant echo. Her heart was strangely steady, but her mind was a battle of wills. Could she actually follow through and risk everything?
"Billy," she called.
He glanced back, giving an annoyed, exaggerated sigh. He took in the way she faced him completely. His eyes combed over her face and he frowned. "What?"
When she didn't speak for a moment, he took a step forward. "Max? Spit it out. I have places to be."
Max swallowed. Her tongue felt tied, but she pushed the words out anyway. "If…If you had to make a choice, one that would give you the one thing you wanted, even if there were consequences, would you do it?"
Billy rolled his eyes and shrugged. "What? Max, this really isn't the time for your twenty questions!"
"Just answer it. If that thing could make you completely happy for an entire day, would you do it? No matter the consequences?"
He rubbed his head, grumbling something under his breath. But then he looked off into space for a moment, his face softening. He nodded, lifting one shoulder. "Yeah. I'd do it in a heartbeat."
There it was. She had her answer.
The tension in Max's shoulders suddenly dissipated, like a burden of weight had been lifted. She gave him a nod and took a step back, making him turn to walk again. "Have fun getting hit in the face by volleyballs. Try not to come back looking like one," he called out, laughing to himself.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said and he only raised a hand to wave her off. She watched him walk away, and a sense of resolve washed over her. Max had one goal—win the Metallica tickets for Billy.
With a renewed focus, the clouds of indecision that had once filled her mind now dissipated, allowing a path to emerge from the haze. She had only one shot to nail this–to put that smile on his face again. Max stood in front of the sports store until he turned the corner, disappearing from her sight. After giving one last glance at the camp bus, she moved forward, switching directions. It didn't take her long to find the bus station where on surprisingly strong legs she approached the ticket counter for the Greyhound buses.
"Round trip to Indianapolis," she said, sliding the money her mom gave her across the ticket clerk's counter.
The middle-aged man arched an eyebrow, his gaze lingering on her. "You travelin' alone?" he asked.
Max quickly intercepted his curiosity, offering a nonchalant shrug and a simple excuse. "Missed my bus to camp. You know how it goes."
With a dismissive nod, the clerk punched the ticket and handed it back to her. Stepping onto the bus, Max made her way to the back, settling into a seat by the window. She sat there, watching person after person board until the doors finally closed. As the engine roared to life and the bus rumbled forward, she watched Hawkins fade away, her anticipation growing with every passing mile.
No turning back now, Max.
No turning back.
To be continued…