When Stacy called her an hour ago informing her of the phone call that she had received from Tegan, Sara could not believe she heard right. Stacy asked her to calm down. She asked her to be quiet about it and be rational. Sara almost lost her mind while giving her first lecture of the day. She still had two more, but she took an emergency leave to go back to her house and confront Tegan. Of course she told Tegan she didn't have classes. She did what Stacy asked of her. She didn't want to freak out Tegan nor put Stacy in an awkward position.
Yes, Stacy had promised she wouldn't say anything to her best friend, but she's like a faithful dog to the professor. Plus, hiding this situation wouldn't be in her favor because Sara might think she had been helping Tegan all along. It's not that she thought Tegan might lie and tell Sara that Stacy had gone with her, but she knew at that moment that Tegan might do anything she put her mind to. However, the scene Sara walked in on didn't look good to anyone. She hoped and pleaded that Sara wouldn't lose it. She hoped she wouldn't lose the trust she was slowly building with Tegan.
"Shhh, calm down," she whispered in the bathroom. "Don't shout at her. Calm down." Sara's fists were clenched, her face was red, her eyes were teary.
Was she supposed to be happy? Angry maybe? Betrayed just a tad? She wasn't quite sure. She gave Tegan space, she respected her decisions, she gave her time to heal, she did not interfere nor talk much about the situation, thinking it was the right decision, but apparently it was not. Did Tegan do what she did to satisfy a certain need ticking in her brain or was it because she really wanted that baby? Maybe it was because of her? Maybe Tegan just wanted to make her happy by doing that? Was it something she wanted? Sara doubted. Tegan never wanted a baby, this was all her doing; she planted that need in her. It was mental, it was psychological.
Yet, she couldn't tame her anger. Tegan was sitting in the living room next to the trashcan. She stared at the closed television screen in silence. Her eyes were teary but she wasn't crying.
"When were you going to tell me? Wait till you have another miscarriage?" Sara shouted.
Tegan shot a glare her way. She resisted throwing the F word at her. She was angry, too. Mostly at herself because she didn't really think much about the consequences, but her anger was focused on Sara. How dare she not be happy for her? How dare she not shower her with hugs and kisses and tears of merriment? How dare she say such hurtful words to her? She was pregnant! Finally pregnant. She was going to give her what she wanted all along. She should be happy.
"I think you know too well I just found out."
"You don't fucking get…"
"Sara," Stacy shouted. Just then she realized how loud her voice was.
"You know what, don't get into this. Get out." Sara was an asshole, both women thought. "This is between me and my wife."
"I'm not leaving," Stacy said. "I'm not leaving you saying bullshit and yelling when she should be at the doctor's getting a checkup at the moment."
"If she fucking told me what she did, she would be, but of course she tells you. She's scared of me."
To Tegan, it was the same scene of her seven-year-old self that one time she broke her grandmother's crystal vase and her mother yelled at her while her grandmother did not give a single damn. She sat on the couch in silence, guilty, scared, and upset.
"You made her feel that way," Stacy said, catching Tegan's attention. "Sara, you wanted a baby. It's what you wanted. It's what you nagged about since you met her. She felt like…like she's not capable of giving you happiness without giving you this thing. Don't blame her."
Sara looked at her again. Sara was crying and so was she. "But I don't anymore. I told her I don't want that. I want her health to be good, that's what I want. I want her to be happy."
"And why are you talking about me as if I'm not here?" Tegan said. "I'm not scared of her, Stacy. What I did, I did for me. It's my body, it's my choice. You didn't really think about telling me when you decided to give me those fertility drugs, right? Oh, and remember that even with the drugs, it was my body and it should have been my choice."
"So it's payback now? You want to get even?"
Stacy sighed and stood in the middle of the spacious room. "I just want you two to sit down and talk calmly. This is not good."
"Stacy, don't butt in," Sara repeated.
"I will butt in. I'm not leaving. I won't leave until this situation is settled."
Tegan sighed. Stacy didn't really care whether she was abhorred at the moment. None of the women wanted her in the room but she was determined to stay just in case more sharp words were said. It seemed to her that her best friend wasn't aware of the weight of the words her mouth was uttering.
"I honestly don't know what you want anymore," Tegan said quietly. "You wanted a baby. Be fucking happy for me."
"I wanted to be part of this, Tegan. I want to feel like I'm included. I want to feel like I'm the mother, too. This was supposed to be a decision both of us agreed on."
"That's the thing," Tegan exclaimed, "we didn't agree on the same thing. I said I wanted to try. You said you don't want to ever talk about it again in the time being. You didn't even listen. You didn't ask me. You closed the topic while I was feeling like shit, I couldn't take it. I had to do it. I had to try one last time." Stacy sat beside her. She touched her back and started rubbing. She didn't like it, but she didn't push the support she was getting. She needed it. "I didn't leave you out of it. It's just insemination. I didn't think it was gonna work. You're still part of this. You're my wife; you're going to be a mother, too. Why can't you be happy for me, Sara?"
"Because I can't bear another miscarriage. Can't you get it? I can't. Just get it, already. I've had enough. I can't try and lose again. I can't."
Tegan began to speak again but her words faltered and slowly faded from her tongue. She didn't know what to say anymore. She hadn't thought of that. She, too, wouldn't bear having another miscarriage. God knows what might happen to her. Her hand moved to her abdomen unconsciously. She pleaded for the fetus in there not to kill her hopes this time.
"That's why you need to let go of what happened right now and focus on what you should do next," Stacy preached. "You need to go get a checkup, Tegan. You have to know about your health and your baby's health."
"Yeah, I have to call our gynecologist and schedule an appointment," Sara said while looking for her phone. She moved around without much focus. She was dazed and confused rather than happy and excited.
Stacy stopped her, giving her the phone. "Try to get an appointment today."
Sara nodded, already dialing up the doctor. She walked out to the balcony to speak. Tegan put her face in her hands and rubbed her eyes with her fingers.
"This is fucked up," said Tegan. "She's gonna stay mad till God knows when."
Stacy was not sure what she should say. "I mean…" She shrugged.
"If I had told her in her birthday, she would have killed me. I'm not even sure if I should be thankful she found out like that or not. Either way she probably hates me." Stacy laughed. Tegan rolled her eyes.
"She doesn't hate you. She's worried."
"And by the way," continued Tegan, "I know you told her. She has two more classes today. I know when she's lying. She can't act to save her life."
"I'm sorry. I had to. I panicked." Stacy's cheeks flourished immediately.
"I don't care. She was gonna find out anyway." Tegan sighed.
"Alright, listen," Sara said, coming inside and closing the glass door of the French window. "Tomorrow at ten. That's the closest date she can give us. Be thankful she works on Saturdays."
"For fuck's sake, you're acting as if I had committed a crime," shouted irritated Tegan.
"Hey, hey," Stacy warned right before her best friend could lose her temper. Sara's lips were parted, her tongue ready to scold and swear. "Whatever is going to come out of your mouth, forget it." She was glaring at Sara while Sara glared at scowling Tegan. "I have to get back to work but I'm not leaving you two alone."
"I think it's best if we stay alone," Sara said shortly, still glaring.
"No," Stacy said. "Not until you calm down." She looked at the youngest woman of the three, sitting there with strength and confidence that she had never seen before. "Tegan, go get dressed. You're coming with me until my shift is done." She looked at Sara again, trying to compete with her wife, trying to prove she's stronger, meaner, and more worthy of having a saying in their relationship. That was not healthy, thought Stacy. "You're gonna pick up Ella when she leaves. You'll get back home and cook a nice dinner because I'll have dinner and sleep over here today."
"What if I don't want you to stay here?" Sara argued. "You can't decide how my wife and I should behave at this moment. It's not your problem, it's mine."
"I'm coming with you," Tegan said, already walking towards her bedroom. "If I stay here another moment, I just might lose it," she mumbled as she walked.
"And that's why I'm deciding. I'm giving you time to sit with yourself and think like a normal human being should do before yelling nonsense."
"You should be on my side, Stacy." Sara sat on the couch and sighed.
"No. I'm not on anyone's side. I know what she did isn't the best thing but what's done is done and you don't wanna regret the hurtful words coming out of your mind later." Stacy picked up her purse and keys from the coffee table. "Cause you tend to do that a lot."
Stacy drove Tegan with her to the hospital. Tegan made a few jokes about feeling like she was her kid. "When I was little, mom took me with her to the hospital, too. It was before she had her own clinic. It was fun because everyone bought me these snacks and I ate them and ran around and nobody told me to sit even though it was a hospital and I should have been quiet. But I was a spoiled brat."
Still is, Stacy wanted to say but resisted it. She smiled instead. "Okay, well, now sit right here in my office and think about what you did and how you're gonna solve it with Sara while I go check on my patients."
Tegan almost said the F word again but she was content with raising her middle finger to Stacy's back. Her office was air-conditioned and neat. It was not that spacious, but it was nice enough to sit in. She looked at doctors and nurses walking by. Some glanced at her and some didn't pay attention. She remembered her own work and how guilty she felt this morning skipping a day. She had called the school and apologized but now she felt guilty again. Would her kids like the substitute teacher? Sure, she was nice and had lovely long blonde hair. There was something about her that made Tegan feel attracted to this woman, something she didn't like. She didn't like blondes that much, but that woman was attractive. Sara told her it's normal as long as this attraction didn't turn into something Sara wouldn't approve of. She regretted telling her though, because after two days Sara asked about Natalie again. She was just joking, for sure, but Tegan knew Sara too well to know how jealous and possessive she could get. Therefore, Tegan decided to stop mentioning Natalie or even thinking about her. Nobody could compete with Sara, anyway.
She called Emy when she made sure it was time for her break. Emy had already called three times but Tegan missed it because of her situation at home.
"Hey," Emy said. "Where are you?"
"Hi, Em," she greeted; eyes fixed on the glass, watching people pass by. "I just didn't feel well." She was still not feeling great, but the nausea was slowly disappearing.
"Are you okay? Do you want me to come over after school? Guess who took your third period today?"
"No, no, no," Tegan shot. "Don't come. You don't wanna be at the house. Stacy will be there and things are a little bit tense with Sara. So yeah." She bit her lower lip. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned anything about Sara.
"Is she okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. It's just a little situation we need to take care of." She saw Stacy walking towards her office with a plastic bag in her hands. "Umm, who taught my class?" Stacy came in just then. She sighed loudly and placed the bag on the desk.
"Moi," chirped Emy.
"You?" Stacy was trying to get her attention. She sat down behind her desk, motioning for Tegan to get the bag. Tegan pointed at her phone. "Why not Natalie?"
"She's absent, too."
"Well, that's interesting." Stacy opened the bag, took a plastic box that had a sandwich inside. She handed it to Tegan, who shrugged her shoulder. Stacy rolled her eyes frustratingly.
"Eat it, you need food," mouthed Stacy.
"Dude, your students love you. They actually hated me." Emy laughed. "They were like but Ms. Clement says this and that. I didn't know you go over every little detail. I don't usually do that. I mean, I started out like that but found out it took so much time, and you know we have a material we need to finish in a specific time so I started to skip some things."
"I can't just skip stuff. My conscience doesn't allow me. Plus, it would feel like Sara would be sitting inside my head rebuking me if I skipped something. Remember how crazy she was about going over each detail? I think I got that from her."
"Yeah," Emy said with a sigh. "And now I know Maya Angelou's entire biography and works thanks to her."
Stacy kept distracting Tegan with her mumbling and whispering. "Look, Em. I'll call you later. I have to go because Stacy's being a fucking ass right now." Stacy's eyes widened. Tegan smirked.
"Ugh, fuck her and her gorgeous blue eyes." Tegan's eyes narrowed. "She should not put that eyeliner on her upper lids like she did in your wedding because apparently my hormones are raging against my hatred for her."
"Okkayyy?" Tegan squinted at the older woman in the room. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that and goodbye."
"First of all, why did you tell her I'm being an ass right now? Do you just like hearing someone talk shit about me?" Stacy's mouth opened and Tegan hoped for the good gods that it was going to close soon before she hurled. "Second of all, I've been trying to get you to eat the damn sandwich. You have to eat something. You didn't have breakfast. No coffee for you until you doctor decides what you can and cannot consume so I brought you orange juice." Stacy fished out the juice from the bag. "I also got you some crackers. They're really good for morning sickness. Sara's probably gonna make some food that will help your stomach, but for now I got you a chicken sandwich."
"God, why do you talk a lot?" Tegan took her first bite of the sandwich, almost spitting it out because of the dry texture and bad taste. "Oh God, that's horrible."
"Of course it's horrible. You're used to Sara's food and this is just hospital food."
"Thanks anyway. You can be so motherly at times, it's…" Tegan shrugged with a wrinkled nose indicating disgust. Stacy laughed, sipping the coffee she had left on her desk before going to check on Tegan in the morning. It was cold and disgusting, but Stacy was used to cold coffee. "Emy didn't say something bad about you. She actually complimented your eyes, which is weird and disturbing and made me feel nauseous again."
"She what?" Stacy stood up a little bit. Her eyes were wide and lips parted.
"Chill, she didn't say you have a nice ass, she just said you have gorgeous blue eyes."
"Oh." Stacy blushed.
Tegan's nose was still wrinkled as she looked at the older woman blushing and sipping her coffee.
"Stacy?" she decided to ask.
"Mhm?"
"Are you into girls? Other than Sara?" She smirked once again.
"Uh…yeah?" Stacy looked around at the people outside of the room. It almost felt like they were alone, away from people. But once one looked outside, they realized they're sitting right in front of everyone while they're doing their job.
"Wait...you are?" Tegan's voice was loud and excited. "Sara said you're straight."
"I identify as bisexual."
"Holy shit, but…"
"I mean everyone knew but I officially came out last year."
"That makes sense. Sara said you're hetero like two years ago." Tegan reached for the crackers after her last bite of the sandwich. "How come you have an office and, like, you're not with them?" Tegan pointed at the nurses coming and going.
"I'm their supervisor. I told you I got promoted." Stacy was working on her computer.
"Oh, yeah. What do you do exactly?"
"I supervise their work. I have to check up on all the patients in this section to see if the nurses are doing their job, being rude, nice, etc."
"That's nice. You just sit in an office all day and, like, watch people and yell at them." Stacy laughed, shaking her head.
Sometimes Tegan made her laugh with her childish humor and spontaneous behavior. Other times she felt angry with the naivety and innocence. Tegan had a soft heart and she could finally see why Sara loved her that much. But Tegan was just a kid, and that was still hard for Stacy to digest. She was still a kid.
"I don't do just that. I write reports about them. I go over the cases of the patients. Yes, I get to order and reproach but that's not fun. Plus, any small mistake will be my responsibility. But I guess everything comes with its price. The salary now is the best."
Tegan frowned. "Do I have to quit my job now that I'm pregnant? I just started. I like teaching."
"No, why would you do that?" Stacy's eyebrows were furrowed. Sara texted her, but she ignored the message that popped on the screen to answer Tegan, "There is something called maternity leave. That's what I did. You take that time off after you give birth for a couple of months and then you get back."
"What about the baby?"
Stacy held her phone to respond. Sara asked if Tegan was okay. She claimed she had finally calmed down but she was still a bit disappointed. "You find a babysitter or a nanny to put the baby with. Plus, Sara's work is flexible. She can take afternoon classes so that she can take care of the baby in the morning until you return from school, or, like. you can only get the babysitter for a couple of hours, not the entire day," Stacy talked and texted.
"Man, it's weird talking about that. I really can't even imagine it."
"Well, it's hard to imagine." Stacy stood up. "Don't think about it now. It's too soon." She mouthed something to the closed door. Tegan turned her face to the side. She saw a doctor standing outside. "Okay, I have to go. Looks like they're going to perform a surgery and they're gonna need me in there. Hopefully it won't take long. But if you feel hungry again or bored you can go to the cafeteria or something." Tegan nodded.
Sara chopped cucumber in the kitchen while Ella listened to music and danced around, a small sandwich in her hand. She had been hyper since she was picked up from kindergarten. She didn't sit down for a minute. Sara enjoyed watching her dance and jump upstairs, but once she had to start on the cooking she forced her to get down to the kitchen. Ella refused, shrugging her shoulders exactly the same way her wife did every time she refused doing something she didn't like. Sara picked her up instead, forcefully taking her to the kitchen. Sara closed the kitchen's door and played some music on her phone to silence crying Ella. A moment later the little kid forgot what she was angry about, resuming her crazy dance moves while Sara cooked. Sara had leftover chicken breasts with lemon sauce from the day before. She took the Tupperware container out of the fridge and chopped the chicken into little pieces then put it in a sandwich for Ella. She added some dressing and vegetables, too. The kid must have been hungry by now, Sara assumed. Ella ate, hummed, and danced.
"Be careful," Sara warned every few minutes. "You might fall. Slow down." Ella pulled her tongue out at Sara. She needed to get rid of that habit, Sara mentally noted. "You're gonna choke. Sit down and eat." Ella ignored her. "You're gonna throw up if you keep going round and round."
"Ahhhh," screamed Ella, hands over ears. The kid was spoiled enough to throw a tantrum over the smallest things. It made Sara wonder if Tegan was like that when she was young. She should ask Tegan. She had to know her wife's irksome childish traits just in case they end up with a whiny, scowling, moody baby. Knowing Tegan, they were sure going to get a child like that.
Stacy and Tegan were home at 5:30. They passed by Stacy's place to get the stuff the nurse needed for the night. Tegan opened the fridge then looked in the oven. Her mouth watered at the sight of the baked potato inside.
"What's for dinner?" Tegan asked.
"Why didn't you answer my text messages?" Sara asked back.
"I don't know." Tegan didn't want to talk to Sara. She didn't want to deal with her in the morning. Sara sighed. "What's for dinner?" she asked again.
"Chicken soup, baked potato with cheese and olives, and beef stew."
"Eww," Tegan mumbled. "I hate beef stew."
"It's good for morning sickness," Stacy commented. She sat at the kitchen table, her daughter sat on her lap.
"That's why I made it."
"I hate red meat, okay?"
"Don't yell at me," Sara yelled. It was loud, it was resonant. It was angry.
"I'm not yelling at you. You just hear what you want to hear." Before walking out, she added, "And don't fucking yell at me, too."
Stacy shook her head. Her best friend reached out for the bottle of wine, pouring herself another glass.
They were mostly quiet at dinner. It was hard getting Tegan down to eat with them. Stacy did the job of begging on behalf of Sara. Both Sara and Stacy had red wine in front of them while Tegan had lemon juice.
"Why can't I drink? I don't get it," Tegan asked a second time.
"It's not good. You're not supposed to drink," Stacy answered.
"How am I gonna live without alcohol for nine months?"
"Tegan, seriously, if you really want this you'll have to put up with all the things that come with it," Sara said.
Tegan dropped her spoon. "I feel like…" She shook her head. Ella was staring at them in silence. "You think I'm doing this just to get it over with."
"I forced you. It's my fault."
"You didn't force me," Tegan said. "Nobody can force me. You can't force me. You don't have a saying on me. Can't you get it? If I didn't want this, I wouldn't do it." Half of it was true. She wanted it because she wanted to make her happy. She wanted it because she wanted that happy marriage image people blabbered about. She wanted her house to become full, less empty, less sad and old.
"I get it," whispered Sara.
Sara sat on her mattress putting lotion all over her body while Tegan changed her clothes in the bathroom. The door was left open. Sara could hear her wife brushing her teeth. Her stomach was excited; she knew she wasn't going to sleep well tonight. The hope in her chest was slowly starting to blaze her cold nature, but she didn't want that hope to burn her again.
"Taking my bra off never felt better," moaned Tegan as she plopped down beside Sara. Sara smiled, but didn't say anything. "Still mad?"
Sara shrugged.
"Why?"
Sara shrugged again. A tear fell from her eyes.
"God," whispered Tegan. "I guess I should leave you in whatever destructive mood you are in. Hopefully tomorrow you'll calm down." It's not like her heart wasn't beating violently, too. It's not like dread and apprehension weren't eating her, too. It was her baby, after all. It was her womb that she worried might disappoint her once again. She decided not to face Sara as she tried to fall asleep. She didn't want Sara's teary eyes to witness her own tears.
Hours later, Sara finished the book she had been reading. Her tears had dried but her nerves never left her system. She noticed that her wife was shivering in her sleep. She smiled down at the sleeping figure and walked to her closet to fetch another blanket. She covered up Tegan and cuddled up to her. Before closing her eyes, Sara pecked the back of her wife's neck a few times.
They both woke up together at quarter past seven when Tegan pushed her wife's body to run to the bathroom. Tegan puked and vomited continuously for more than ten minutes. Sara rubbed her back this time. She held her hair and put a hand over her tummy. Sara hadn't noticed how swollen her abdomen was. It filled her heart with joy when she felt the tiniest bulb in there. When they got back to their bedroom, Sara kissed her.
"I'm sorry," Sara mouthed. "I felt jealous." Tegan sighed, nodding. She was still too nauseous to speak. "And worried."
"I did it because I needed it. I needed to try it one more time so the nagging in my mind would stop. I doubted it would work. It didn't work the first two times, so I doubted it would work this time. I denied the symptoms. I actually didn't even think much about them. I blamed it on nerves and stress over work until they were too much. Then I missed my second period, which I'm supposed to be having now, so I had to call Stacy."
"Two periods?" Tegan nodded. "That means…" Tegan nodded. "Oh, God."
"When are you gonna be happy about it?" Because Sara's face was too pale to convey happiness. Her actions also portrayed fear and uncertainty rather than joy.
"When I make sure you and she are alright." Sara bit her lower lips, blushing fiercely."Or he," Sara whispered, cheeks were ruby red.
"It's still an it." Tegan giggled. Sara kissed her again. She found her hand down Tegan's t-shirt once again, touching the small pouch there.
"You're kinda bloated. How did I not notice?"
Tegan laughed. "Come on. It's not like it's a strange appearance. It looks just like when I'm bloated before my period. Actually, I bet that's just gas."
"Oh, God. Get ready for that situation." Sara felt too excited thinking about all the things Tegan was going go through during her pregnancy. She was going to tell her about it all…as soon as they made sure their baby's fine. They were going to get books and watch documentaries. They were going to do some yoga, too. She was too damn thrilled.
"I'm okay with everything as long as it's not puking my guts out."
"This will end in your second trimester." Sara's other hand stroked her arm up and down. She was snuggling close to her wife, feeling the heat of her body close to her. She kissed her again and again until their door was opened without any warning.
Sara pulled away instantly. She squinted at the entrance. Ella trod inside barefoot. Her light brown hair was all over the place, bangs covered her sleepy eyes and cheeks were rosy. Her pajama shorts were blue and the top was pink with a mermaid drawing on the right side.
"Sasa," she ran in quickly to Sara's arms.
"Oh, hi," Sara greeted cheerfully. "How's my little angel?" Sara planted a kiss after another on the toddler's forehead and cheeks. Ella rubbed her eyes and smiled, hugging the professor tightly.
"I thought I was your little angel," Tegan remarked jokingly.
"You're my other little angel. Can't a woman have two angels?" She kissed Ella's nose as the little girl giggled.
"I feel jealous right now," Tegan mumbled. "What about my hug?"
Ella jumped in her arms, hugging and laughing. Tegan kissed her head and held her close.
"Where's mummy, Ella?" Sara asked.
"I don't know."
Sara hummed. She lay down again, squeezing Ella between her and her wife.
"I woke up but she was gone."
"She's probably in the bathroom." Sara yawned. She grabbed her phone and looked at the time. It was still a bit before eight. They had to get up and get ready soon, but the bed never felt so calm. This could be their child lying between them in less than a year from now. She shook her head at herself. She didn't want to be too hopeful. She checked her text messages and social media accounts while her wife whispered and giggled with Ella.
"Ella?" Stacy's panicked voice shouted. "Where is my kid?" Her voice was louder this time.
Sara rose up again. "She's here, Stace."
They heard her footsteps getting closer by the second. "Oh my God, this kid is gonna give me a heart attack." She stepped in with hair dripping on her exposed shoulders. The towel was wrapped around her body. Her face was clear of makeup. Tegan had never seen Stacy looking so natural.
"She's right here. Where would she go?" Sara said.
"I don't know. It's my motherly instinct. I hate it. Whenever she disappears, I panic." Stacy glared at her smirking daughter. Ella covered both eyes with her tiny hands. Her fingers were apart so she could look at her angry mom. "How about I get you grounded?"
"No," screamed Ella, removing her hands from her eyes. "You weren't there. You weren't there…back there." She pointed at the door.
"I told you many times never move from your place when you find me gone until I come back. How many times did I tell you?"
"No." Ella stuck her tongue out. Stacy was getting impatient. The couple looked at each other awkwardly.
"It's not like she got lost, relax," Tegan said. "She just came here."
"That's not the point. The point is she shouldn't move when she's alone until mommy tells her to. Right, Ella?" Ella nodded guiltily. "And mommy was not around this time yet Ella decided to move and make mommy worry." Sara almost burst in laughter. Ella nodded again. "So what should Ella do?"
"Sorry," apologized the little girl. "I won't do it again." Stacy stood there with her hands on her hips.
"Did you also come in here without knocking like last time?" Ella nodded. The time before, Ella came in while Tegan was topless in bed. Her mother told her not to barge in without knocking. "What do you have to say to them?"
"They weren't naked. They were kissing." Ella blushed.
"Ella," her mother's voice rose a little bit.
"I'm sorry Sasa and Tegum." Tegan laughed, kissing her cheek.
"I need some lessons, Stacy. You're good at this," she said. "Sara will probably make my kid say the F word before he could even speak."
"He?" Sara said.
"Or she." Tegan smiled.
"Oh my God, you made up." Stacy ran to give both of them a hug. "My magic worked."
"Dude, you're wet. Get away from me." Sara pushed her friend away. "The only wetness I like is…"
"Ralph," Tegan interrupted with a warning octave.
"Fine, sorry. Destroy the joke."
Stacy made them breakfast before they went to the doctor. She told them she'd be waiting for the good news in her apartment. It was a routine, mostly; Stacy would spend one day at Sara's and the couple would spend the next at her house. They didn't mind it, though. Tegan liked it in fact. They usually got drunk and started watching some reality TV. At the end of the night Stacy would invite them to sleep at her house because both were too wasted to drive back home. They'd agree because they'd be tired. Only one time they both had sex in the guest bedroom. Stacy knew when her daughter barged in on the semi-nude bodies of her friends.
Sara held her wife's hand; both looked at the screen impatiently. Doctor Anderson asked a couple of questions before doing the ultra sound. The doctor was quiet, seemed restless. She was never a fan of their relationship, but her silence confused and scared Tegan.
"Alright," said the doctor with a sigh. "I did not expect this."
"What's wrong?" Sara asked, fear slowly coloring her face.
"Is everything okay?" Tegan asked.
"Is the baby okay?" Sara asked right after.
"I'm not pregnant, am I?" Tegan frowned. Sara squeezed her hand, narrowing her eyes at the screen. Tegan couldn't understand anything. To her, whatever was there inside her womb seemed like tiny little shapes of nonsense.
"You're definitely almost seven weeks along," said the doctor. Tegan looked at her lover. Sara's eyes were wide and teary. She looked at the screen again, trying her best to understand what disaster was there that made her wife tear up. "You see it too, Sara?" Sara nodded, crying and laughing at the same time. She looked at confounded Tegan and cried more.
"What's going on?" asked Tegan.
"You have, umm, not one but two…two babies in there," Sara announced. She held two fingers up, not believing her eyes while Tegan wasn't able to believe what she had just heard.
"Two?" Tegan said, sitting up a bit. "Twins?" She looked at the doctor, who nodded with half a smile.
"Identical twins," said the doctor.
"I'm speechless." Sara's voice was raspy. "Is everything alright with her and them?"
Tegan, too, was speechless; unable to utter a single word until they were both in the car. She was fine. Her babies were fine. She was given vitamins, she was told not to drink, only one cup of coffee was allowed daily, and she was advised not to put herself under pressure and stress until she's in the safe zone of her pregnancy.
"Two, Sare, not just one," Tegan stated. It was her third time saying this in the car.
Sara laughed. "I know. That's crazy. I'm…you don't even know how I feel right now. I wanna yell it to everyone in the street."
"But wow, I mean. That's…they're two."
"I know!"
"I mean. Fuck, Sara, I don't know what to say."
Sara smiled at her then winked. It was that special wink she could never tire to look at.
"There must be some type of multiple babies gene in my family. I mean the first time three, this time two." Tegan paused. "What if we lose them again?"
"No, don't say that please." Even though that was a possibility. Even Dr. Anderson mentioned it. She said that if Tegan felt anything strange, she should quickly call her or get to the hospital. "Let's just...let's not think about this."
"You know how you said you won't be happy until you know me and my baby are fine?" Sara nodded. "Well, I feel like we won't be really happy until…"
"We both hold them in our arms."
"Yeah." She squeezed Sara's arm gently, not wanting to distract her from the road. "Are we gonna tell people?"
"Stacy already knows," Sara said. "But your friends will probably know because I won't shut up on Monday." Tegan laughed. "It's not just my birthday. It's gonna be a celebration day."
"You just wanna brag," Tegan joked.
"Of course." Sara winked again. "But other than your close friends, we can't tell anyone until it's safe."
"What about mum?"
"You'll have to tell her, Tee." Tegan sighed. "I know. But you have to. Just in case…"
"Things go wrong again, I know." Tegan could tell they were heading towards Stacy's place. She felt hungry, very hungry. She hoped their friend made something delicious and didn't have meat in it. "She was so tough on you when…" Tegan cut herself off. They never talked about their previous loss. They didn't discuss it in details. They didn't talk about Sonia's words or Sara's feelings. But Tegan felt like it was time.
"She was being a mother," Sara said. "That's what mothers do."
"Sara, it's not that. It's just that whenever you call her now, she's too cold and too bitchy towards you. I know it hurts you. I told her many times it's not your fault and we didn't even know I was pregnant. Plus, what happened would have happened even if we knew. I mean, it might happen just now."
"Tegan." Sara looked at her. "Let's not talk about this. Let's put it behind us. I think Dr. Anderson was pretty clear you should not over stress yourself." The car was already parked down the street of Stacy's building. The professor leaned in to kiss her wife. "Come on. Let's go brag about our babies to Stacy."
Stacy opened the door with a storm of questions. She asked about everything Sara was already going to talk about. Tegan found Ella rolling around on the floor with tears in her eyes. The apartment, as usual, was a mess.
"Calm down," Sara said, laughing at her friend's talkative nature. "Let me breathe. I'll tell you everything." She plopped down on the couch next to Tegan. They both looked at the dramatic outburst of the little girl.
"Ella, get up," Stacy ordered. "Stop doing that. We have guests."
"They're not guests," Ella said, crying more. "They're Tegum and Sasa."
"Is she ever gonna get your name right?" whispered Sara.
"Shut up. It's cute," answered Tegan, clearly amused about Ella's tantrum.
"You know what, just ignore her. She's been naughty lately and doesn't want to do anything I tell her. Once I get angry and stop talking to her, she does this. Only babies do this."
"I'm a baby," Ella whined, her cries increased.
"Wow, this is what we're gonna deal with?" Sara wondered loudly.
"Yeah, but it's gonna be doubled, can you believe it?" Tegan said.
"Wait," exclaimed the other woman. "Tell me already. What's happening? Everything is alright, right?" Her smile was big and happy.
Sara nodded proudly. "And guess what?"
"We're having twins," Tegan announced, her hand on her tummy.
"Shut the fuck up," shouted Stacy. She covered her mouth quickly, looking at her daughter. "Oops."
"It's true," said Sara. "Two, not just one…two."
Ella got up quickly. "You're gonna have babies?" she asked.
Tegan looked at her wife. Sara shrugged.
"Yup," Tegan said. "I have a baby in here." She pointed at her stomach. Ella seemed confused. "Two actually." Ella gasped.
"But your tummy isn't big." She stepped closer, inspecting with her eyes.
"It's because they're small. Very small babies." Ella put her hand next to Tegan's. She giggled and blushed.
Sara was afraid it was too early to get excited. She was afraid it was too soon to tell everyone. But she couldn't hide her excitement and bewilderment, neither could Tegan.
"She's a bit confused," Stacy said.
"Yeah," mumbled Tegan. "Is everything okay, Ella?" The four-year-old was quiet, thunderstruck, and overwhelmed.
"You and Sasa are both mommies?" she asked.
"We will be when they arrive."
"Why two?"
"That's how it is." Tegan wasn't sure how to explain all the details to a small girl. "Sometimes we have more than one baby at the same time."
"Is it because you two are mommies and there is no daddy?" Sara raised her eyebrows.
"Well," spoke Sara, taking the small girl in her lap, "that's not necessary. Even mommies and daddies can get two babies."
"But how? How do you put two babies in there and not one?"
Stacy sipped her glass of wine, smirking at the two uncomfortable women. "This should be fun," she said, earning a glare from the couple.
"You know who knows better about this?" Ella shook her head. "Mommy." Stacy gasped.
"You f…"
Tegan was laughing.
"Yup. She knows how and she will tell you before you go to bed tonight."
Ella looked at her mother. "Okay." She hopped off Sara's lap. "I'm sorry, mommy," she said. "I'll eat my vegetables now."
"Good job, sweetie," Stacy said. "You will pay, Sara," she said again. Tegan was still laughing. "Because you're having two of this, not just one." Sara joined the laughter.