They sat in their living room waiting for the small talk to end so they could pop the news. Anxiously waiting, they both nodded their heads to the screen in front of them as Sonia gave directions and rules about necessary house decoration that she thought they needed. Tegan took quick glances at her wife's unnerved features; the glasses sat on her nose, the black top was as conservative as it could get, the jacket was also black, covering every piece of skin, the jeans were dark as well, the face was fresh but quite red due to nerves and uncalled for embarrassment. The wife wanted to leave a good impression, she was too scared the V-neck shirt might be too revealing, even though it barely showed the upper part of her chest and the necklace Tegan had given her a long time ago.
Meanwhile, Tegan was in her pajamas. She had puked all morning then took a shower. She wore her cozy green pajamas and sat by the window watching the rain as she planned to speak to her parents about a certain topic. She told her mother she would call her on Skype in few hours. The mother chose nighttime because her father wasn't home in the morning, even though it was the weekend.
It was hard for her to hold it in for another week. She stood in front of the mirror everyday and looked at her body. She wanted to see if any changes were happening. Nine weeks along, there were only a couple of changes: her breasts seemed bigger, her tummy bloated. Other than that her body was the same. Sara laughed whenever she stood and analyzed those differences. She told her they would happen soon, but Tegan wanted them to happen already.
They had another appointment in three days; they were going to hear the heartbeat. She felt frightened they would get the shock of their lives being told something was wrong, their hearts had no beat. She thought about it each night before going to bed. Now she's sitting in front of her chatty mother, she dreaded she's telling the woman too soon, she dreaded she's telling her too late as well. But again, she just found out ten days ago.
"Mom, mom…" she tried to interrupt her mother, "when is dad joining you?"
"Oh, yeah. He's right here; he just doesn't like me rambling about furniture."
No wonder, Sara thought. Tegan did inherit her obsession with house decoration and furniture from her mother. It was only fair because Sara herself took her love for food and kitchenware from her mother, too. Sara reached for the cold hand of her lover to give it a comforting squeeze, even though she felt like she was going to shit her pants.
Tegan gave her a warm smile. There was no need for her anxiety, right? No, Tegan's mother was scary.
"It's just that Sara and I need to tell you and dad something important." Sara noticed that her wife had started stuttering. She squeezed her hand again.
"Oh, okay. Yes…yes." Sonia took a glance at her and she could swear that the glance was a silent threat. She shivered in her seat. How was she that scared of her mother-in-law? She never thought she would be the type to get scared of her parents-in-law. "Stephen, get in here."
"Are you done blabbering?" Sonia rolled her eyes. Tegan did so, too. Sara wanted to laugh but the situation she was in did not allow her to do so.
"The girls want to tell us something," Sonia said again.
"I'm right here," his voice was approaching closer.
Tegan smiled as soon as his body appeared from the corner of the room. Sara smiled too when he sat down next to his wife on the couch.
"Hello girls," he said, a sandwich in his hand. "What's up?"
"Don't eat, that's not polite," Sonia instructed. Sara almost laughed. She glanced at her lover and Tegan was blushing at her parents' quirky personalities.
"They're family, who cares?"
Sonia rolled her eyes again.
"Mom," Tegan said again, after a long breath. "Dad."
"Tegan," her father said, mockingly using the same grave tone as his daughter's.
"Dadddd," she groaned. "I'm serious. I have to tell you something." She looked at Sara quickly then averted her gaze back to the screen. "Sara and I have to tell you something."
"Okay, dear. Spell it," Sonia said calmly.
"So I had a miscarriage a few months ago," Tegan started. Their parents nodded, listening carefully. "I was kind of devastated after it. I…"
"We agreed we were not going to try again…try to have a baby, I mean."
"Yes," said Sonia with her judgmental stares.
"I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't let her talk about it that much, to be quite honest," Sara continued. "I wanted her to forget and move on. I didn't want us to focus on this loss and, honestly, I couldn't take another loss."
"Another loss?" Stephen asked.
"Well, I have lost my daughter years ago. A newborn baby."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that."
"It's okay," Sara whispered. Sonia finally smiled. It was an apologetic smile. "So that other loss just told me to stop pushing it, pushing her, and pushing everything just to get a baby, maybe it's not meant to be."
"But I…" Tegan paused to take a deep breath. "I didn't listen. I admit it's wrong of me to do what I did, but I had to. I kind of went behind her back and got inseminated. I wanted to try again. I was in a dark place and I didn't get why it didn't work out for me if I was completely fine so I did…that. I didn't tell her and I tried again, all by myself."
"Oh, dear God." Sonia slapped her forehead, sighing with anger.
"Yeah and…" Tegan looked down at her lap, at Sara's hand steadying her shaking legs. "I am pregnant right now."
"Holy shit," Sonia said again.
Her father was awfully quiet, and that's what worried her.
"The thing is I didn't tell Sara at all. I actually kind of ignored it because I didn't believe it was going to happen until I started getting morning sickness. I did the test and well…I'm two months along right now."
"Oh my God." Sonia's face was red and tensed. Tegan bit her lower lip, waiting for the hurricane to start.
"You are alright, though? The baby is fine?" Her father finally spoke. "You went to the doctor, right?"
"Yes, yes. We went two times. Everything is going well right now. We have another appointment in three days," Sara hurried to answer.
"And uh…they're two. Two babies. Twins," Tegan added.
Her mother looked up with wide eyes. "Twins?"
"Yeah," confirmed her daughter, hand over her stomach.
"Wow," the father uttered. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," said Sara with a smile.
"Congratulations, honey," said the mother, smiling.
"Thank you, mom." Tegan smiled, looking at her wife.
"What about…" Stephen began to speak but closed his mouth.
"What about what?" Tegan wondered loudly.
Her father looked at her mother and the woman shook her head.
"Did your doctor make any comment about your breathing? Your heart?"
Sara's eyes narrowed as she looked at her wife's face, quickly changing colors, hastily turning pale.
"No," whispered Tegan. "Is that going to be…a problem?" She didn't want to look at Sara.
"It might be," Stephen said.
"What's going on?" Sara asked. She could feel the resonant beating of her own heart.
"You never told her!" Sonia remarked.
"Tell me what?" Sara's own heartbeat drummed in her chest, stomach turned and legs shook. She looked at her wife, waiting for the confession to startle her because those shifty eyes only hid a disaster inside.
"I didn't because my doctors never noticed it and I thought it didn't matter," Tegan said. "I actually…forgot about it."
"Can I please know what's going on?"
"They never noticed it because it only acts up in acute pressure, Tegan," her father said. "You promised you were going to get the surgery."
Sara started tearing up. Nobody was filling her in. She felt left out. She felt like she was missing a huge piece of information.
"My heart has a problem, Sara," finally, Tegan uttered. Sara's tears began to fall down. "It's not a big deal."
"It's a birth defect," Sonia said. "We didn't know about it until the accident."
"Which accident?" Sara asked, but then she gasped as soon as she remembered. That same accident Tegan had told her about. "Oh."
"Coarctation of the aorta…that's what I have."
"Is that serious? Is it going to cause a huge problem?"
Stephen was a heart surgeon and his facial expression was not promising. The professor didn't know another shock was coming her way. It's like disasters hurried to chase her.
"If the doctor didn't notice it till now, she's fine. However, I'm afraid it might affect her in later stages of the pregnancy so you have to inform your GP, Tegan."
Tegan had never mentioned it to anyone, not even to her doctors. Her friends didn't know, too. She didn't think about it much. When she found out, it wasn't a big deal. However, she remembered clearly when the results were out and she was told pregnancy might be ruled out if the coarctation wasn't corrected.
"You have to avoid getting an aneurysm." Sara's eyes widened. "You have to seek your rest, you know that, right?"
No, she didn't know. She forgot about it. How did she forget about it?
"Isn't there like any medicine for that? How come she doesn't take something?" Sara asked.
"She has to get a surgery. It's a defect and it acts up in tough times," Sonia explained.
"I'm speechless."
"Let's not think too much about it now," Sonia said. "You just have to consult your GP at the moment."
But Sara thought and thought and thought and thought till she felt her head about to explode, expelling tiny cells and tissues from her brain. She also cried pathetically in front of Tegan's blank face. Tegan tried to calm her down, making it seem as if it wasn't a big deal. But, deep down, Tegan was anxious as well. How did she miss this part? She completely forgot about it. It seemed that even her parents did. They never warned her. Nobody reminded her.
"We'll tell Dr. Wilson on Monday, don't worry," Tegan rubbed Sara's arms in bed.
Sara turned off the small lamp beside her head and sighed. She spooned her wife, kissing the back of her neck. "How can you tell me not to worry?"
"It's going to be okay, I know it." Those were just words Tegan used to calm her lover down. She felt butterfly kisses on the back of her neck, making her squeal softly.
When she turned around, Sara began to kiss her with tender passion. Her lips brushed her lover's soft ones and her tongue struggled for entrance. Tegan giggled through the kiss, finally allowing Sara to tease her tongue, sucking it inside, guiding her mind to a room of bliss.
"Do you want to…" Sara bit her lower lip, but Tegan could not see it through the dark. Tegan shook her head, Sara couldn't see it, too.
"No," whispered the younger woman. "I just showered hours ago, if we do it I'll get all hot and sweaty and I won't sleep well."
Sara's laughter rang in her ears. It was quite adorable. "You're beginning to get too hot quickly, aren't you?"
"Yeah," Tegan said.
"You hate human contact and you feel disgusted easily, huh?"
"Kind of." She had not noticed those effects until Sara mentioned them.
"Want me to stop touching you?"
"No, you're fine." Tegan yawned. "I face that during the day more."
"I know how you feel." Sara kissed her again before they both fell asleep.
In the morning, Tegan's troubled stomach woke her up. She stayed in bed till the nausea increased; the familiar feeling came back to her. She groaned and got up. Before she could reach the toilet, she emptied the contents of her stomach on the floor of her bedroom.
Sara arose quickly at the sound of gagging. She ran to where her wife was sitting on the floor, puking her guts out with breathy cries and loud groans. She rubbed her back and held her hair back until she finished. God, she would have to clean this now. She had mastered breathing throughout this mess a long time ago; she had already gotten used to Tegan puking due to the nervous habit the younger woman had. But still…she hated cleaning up the puke.
She did it anyway. She took Tegan to the bathroom and helped her out of her pajama shirt. Tegan shivered. When she took her back to the room she covered her with the heavy duvet and ran outside to turn on the heating system in her house. It usually took ten minutes till warmth covered their entire home; therefore, Sara ran back into the room, closed the door and cuddled up with her wife, kissing her cold cheeks and rubbing the swollen part of her tummy.
"Isn't it supposed to end by now?" Tegan asked.
Sara hoped the room didn't smell like puke, but somehow she could still smell it. Tegan brushed her teeth and Sara cleaned the floor well, why did she still smell it? Maybe it was stuck in her nose. God, she wanted it to end so bad as well.
"Soon," she whispered, adding another kiss. "How do you feel?"
"Nauseous."
"Again?"
Tegan groaned loudly. She closed her eyes and released soft sighs through her lips. Sara couldn't resist how pouty and beautiful they looked; she pecked the rosy flesh softly then kissed her nose.
"I'm better now," whispered Tegan, her eyes still closed.
Sara left her lying in bed for about half an hour. They both needed more sleep and Tegan had been working too much lately, sometimes she stayed up all night making worksheets for her students while Sara was sound asleep. Once again, the growing anxiety that had been aroused the night before returned with full force as Sara remembered the reason of her distress. What if Tegan's heart issue was going to cause a problem? What if it was going to affect the babies? Worse…what if it was going to affect her wife's health? Tears streamed down her face without her being aware of them. Tegan was asleep again; thank God she couldn't see the apparent apprehension.
When Tegan woke up minutes later she sat up quickly, rubbing her forehead.
"Again?" Sara asked, waiting for her to hurl, hoping that she would just run to the bathroom instead.
Tegan moaned. "My body hurts."
"Oh…" Sara didn't know what to say. Those were normal and common side effects.
"My breasts, I can't take the pain," Tegan cried, a hand over her chest and eyes squeezed shut as pain surged through her nerves. Fuck being pregnant, honestly. As exciting as it felt as unnecessary it was due to the irritation it brought her. She couldn't believe Sara had to deal with all that and then lose her baby. What if she…Fuck, no, why did she have to think like that every morning? She wished she could be optimistic just once in her life.
Sara chuckled, but it wasn't funny to Tegan. She opened her eyes with a death glare. "I'll get the coconut oil and give you a proper massage."
Tegan didn't exactly understand what the hell coconut oil was. She knew, though, that she hated coconut. When Sara returned, she took the small bottle from her hand in order to inspect. Oh, so it was that bottle Sara had in the shelves of the bathroom near her creams and lotions.
"I thought that was like a hair product," Tegan said, hand still massaging her own breasts.
Sara laughed. "You don't even read what the labels say, do you?"
Tegan tsked.
"Take your shirt off and lie down," Sara ordered. "I'm gonna give you the royal treatment."
"What if it hurts more?"
"No, trust me. I do that almost every week. I get sore breasts because of the hormone replacement, too."
Tegan removed her shirt with a sigh and rested on the mattress. Usually when she lay down, her stomach would get sucked in; her ribcage would be evident through her skin. Sara marveled at the astonishing scene today; Tegan's belly was swollen enough not to get a tiny bit sucked in; instead the small circular swell was in plain sight, making Sara stare in awe.
"Why are you staring like that?" Tegan asked, hiding her breasts with her arm. How silly of her, and how innocent, too. Sara wanted nothing more than to blanket her with kisses and shower her with love, wrap her around a heaven of tenderness and spoil her with a treasure of sweetness.
"I'm just…happy." Sara shook her head, tears back again in her eyes. "I mean, it's…" She pointed at the goosebumped tummy right beside her. "Look! It's obvious."
Tegan's hazel orbs moved down, staring at her own belly. "Yeah, it looks…wow. It actually looks obvious while I'm lying down, that's so weird."
Her wife leaned in to kiss the small pouch. She giggled because she was ticklish.
"You're showing quicker because you're very tiny and you're bearing twins."
Tegan showed her a gummy smile, hands away from her breasts—hands on the soft hair that belonged to her wife.
"Are you ready, baby?" Tegan nodded, part of her hesitant as she watched Sara put some of that oil in her hand. She was deeply sore and she didn't want the feeling to increase.
It did increase the first few minutes, which made her cry harder. Sara told her it was fine as she massaged with her gentle hands, making circular motions on each breast, pressing softly with her thumbs. Once the tension was lifted, Tegan's eyes closed. Slowly, the pain was getting limited.
Sara's thumbs ran down from her upper chest till they stopped right above the pink areolas. Tegan moaned as the motion helped her relax. As she straddled her hips, the older woman leaned in for a kiss. Tegan smiled when their lips were tangled together. The room grew hot as their affection took all the empty space away and replaced it with golden fiery lust.
Tegan released a louder moan when Sara's thumbs contacted her hard nipples. It stung a bit but it felt too good to let her stop. She kissed back with as much passion as she could convey. Sara's kisses descended down till they stopped at her upper chest.
"I'd like to kiss your breasts but the taste of the oil isn't nice." Sara was still massaging. "Do you feel better?"
Tegan smiled and giggled. "I do. Thank you." She leaned in to kiss her lover's forehead.
"Man, you know what boob massages do to the milk supply? It's a natural pump."
"Umm…" Tegan blushed; it made the older woman laugh. "I think it's kinda…too early for that, right?"
Sara nodded, still laughing. "Yeah. Way too early. But I mean if we do this every day until you're close, you might start producing milk like a month before."
Tegan's eyes widened. "No, thank you." Plus, it was way too early. They still had to make sure her heart was okay. They had to wait for the babies to grow in her. Who knew what might happen. Her wife did feel calmer than the night before. Perhaps watching her bloated belly made her calm down, but she still couldn't join Sara in her hopeful thoughts.
Sara's kisses interrupted her when they touched her abdomen, making her shiver and burn at the same time. With a swift movement, Sara's hands got her rid of her pants and underwear, revealing a patch of dark hair covering her entire mound and inner thighs, the scent was bound to make both of them dizzy. It made the younger woman turn redder than she had already been. When their eyes met, Sara bit down her lips.
"I shaved a week ago," Tegan commented when her wife parted her legs. "But I'm not sure what's going on with my hormones, I've never been this hairy."
"Babe, I don't care."
"And my discharge is…a lot and the smell is too…"
Sara cackled. "Honey, that's fine." She pecked her mound to show her she couldn't care less about the hair that covered the area. "I just hope I can find your clit," Sara joked, but it only made her wife more self-conscious, parting her lips with flushed cheeks. "That's a joke, babe."
"Oh…"
"It's a joke." Sara pecked her clit. "Here it is." She winked.
Sara ate her out and she fingered her back. It was quick, but it relaxed her.
On Monday they were scared as shit. Tegan could barely carry on with her day at work. She had been feeling tired the entire weekend. She almost fainted in class. She was exhausted, paranoid, and anxious. She took a leave and went back home. Sara got back from work with a heavy heart. She asked her what was going on.
"I'm scared," wept Tegan.
"Why, baby?" The professor rubbed her wife's back, nerves heavy in her stomach, too. She tried her best not to let them show.
"What if something is wrong and I lose them again?" Sara didn't know it still affected her badly. Hell, she didn't know it affected her that bad in the first place. She honestly thought that everything had happened was the reason of her own incessant need to have a child, not due to Tegan's trauma.
She wrapped both arms around her and kissed her earlobe, whispering sweet assurances in her ears. That was the only solace she could give to both of them.
At the doctor's office Tegan presented her medical history to their doctor, who was quite shocked to learn that Tegan had previously dealt with a heart issue. When Tegan became her patient, the first question Dr. Wilson asked was whether Tegan had any previous medical issues. Tegan gave her the old anemia record, but never mentioned anything about her heart. Once thoroughly tested, Dr. Wilson could notice the inability to breathe normally, but that was because of the anemia only; she hadn't detected any issue with the aorta. Now sitting with the file in her hand, her jaw dropped as she studied the doctor's notes from two years ago.
"How come you haven't mentioned it at all?" she asked.
Tegan shrugged. "I forgot about it." At first she didn't forget. She remembered part of her not mentioning it was the hope that something would happen to her, something would kill her. Now she regretted nothing more than not listening to her father about getting the correctional surgery.
Her father sent her the medical records; he was the one who examined her heart after the accident. She remembered the small heart-shaped pills he made her take every day for several months until she was fine again.
"The problem is that this is only going to affect you. It won't affect your babies."
"You call that a problem?" Tegan exclaimed. "I thought it might fucking hurt them."
"Tegan," Sara put her hand against her lover's shaking knees to calm her down.
"You're carrying two. It might actually make it very hard for you to breathe later on. That's why you need an immediate cardiac screening."
Tegan's eyes widened when she saw her wife's eyes fill with tears.
"I don't want to worry any of you. Chances that it's advanced are quite low since I always give her a thorough exam and I find nothing. Plus, her breathing was perfect the last time, which was only two weeks. We just need to be careful is all."
"When should she get the screening?" Sara asked, stomach in knots, heart drumming.
"Let's get her an ultra sound first to check the babies' progress and we'll talk about it after that."
Tegan looked up at her wife's big focused orbs instead of looking at the screen. She was too frightened to do so. Sara held her hand as the doctor put that cold substance all over her stomach.
"How's the morning sickness?" Dr. Wilson asked.
"Bad," Tegan answered, looking at her. "When is it going to stop?"
"You're going into your tenth week so quite soon." The doctor moved the ultra sound and looked at the screen. Sara smiled when she saw it. "Look, Tegan."
When she did, her worries dissipated. The heartbeat rang in her ears, bringing those tears back to her eyes. Sara squeezed her hands. Thank you, whoever is up there, she thought. At least her children were fine.
"They seem pretty healthy. Their heartbeat is perfect, they're breathing well and so you are."
"Does that mean I don't need a screening?" Tegan asked.
"No, you do. We have to track the issue, Tegan."
Her wife leaned in for a quick kiss.
"What do I have?"
"Pardon me?" the doctor questioned.
"Are they boys or girls or both?" Sara's cheeks grew rosy hearing her wife ask that.
"It's too early, Tegan," Sara whispered.
"Really?"
Sara nodded, cheeks were red, brow was sweaty. "You need few more weeks to know." It amazed her that Tegan didn't know the most basic information about pregnancy.
"Oh." Tegan seemed disappointed.
"You can know after your 20th week," the doctor said.
"Whoa, that's too long."
"Well, yes, that's the way it is."
"When am I due again?"
"April 22nd," Sara answered. "Or around that time."
"Oh, man." Sara giggled. Tegan was always shocked to hear how long she needed till she gave birth.
The younger woman was scheduled to get a cardiac screening the next day after work. When they were done with Dr. Wilson, it was time for Sara to get her checkup with Dr. Anderson, who gave Tegan another ultra sound just to make sure everything was completely fine.
"It's funny how Dr. Anderson doesn't trust your friend giving me a checkup," Tegan said in the car.
"It's kind of annoying, but yeah," Sara said. "Are you okay now?"
"Yeah," Tegan said. "But I'm still worried." She sighed.
"Both said your heart seems quite good and your breathing is normal so let's hope for the best."
"I hope so." Tegan yawned. "Sare?" She asked, pulling her legs up on the seat. "Do you think we'll have two girls or two boys or one of each?"
Sara guffawed. "Well if they're identical I'm not sure we'll get one of each, babe."
"Really? We can't?"
"I think we can't."
"I hope we get two boys then."
"What?" Sara hit the brakes vehemently. "Why?" She looked at her wife as if she had just gotten offended. "Why not girls?"
"Whoa, chill." Tegan put her hand above her stomach. "I just like having boys more than girls." Tegan shrugged.
"I like girls more. They're cute and soft and less tiring to raise."
"I think boys are easier to raise, though. Like they just grow up."
"You know what, it doesn't matter. As long as they're healthy and you're healthy, it doesn't matter." Sara prayed to God that night she would get two girls and not a boy. She honestly didn't feel like having two boys at once. Tegan had a dream she gave birth to two girls and a small alligator. She woke up scared.
"I dreamed I gave birth to an alligator," she told Sara in the morning.
"That's interesting." Sara brushed her hair in the bathroom. She took a peek at her lover through the mirror. Tegan was getting dressed. "You know, you can use your old bras." Sara turned around, looking at her wife struggling to hook her bra. "The ones you gave me when you first moved here. You probably fit in them again."
"Yeah," mumbled Tegan. "Come help me instead of talking." Tegan woke up cranky in her best days, and woke up like a monster in her worst days, during pregnancy she was just mood swings on two feet. Sara had promised herself not to get on her nerves, but always seemed to forget.
What if this, what if that, her mind came up with creative theories and grotesque scenarios about the fate of her babies due to her heart problem. She wondered whether Sara thought the same. Maybe they were going to ask her to get rid of the babies, maybe they were going to confirm her horrible issue that could never be fixed, maybe they were going to give her the option of abortion or dying after giving birth. She'd choose to die. Yes. She'd deliver the baby and die. Sara wanted the babies too much. She knew Sara would not support her decision, but it was hers after all.
She didn't think there was nothing wrong, and when she was there in the clinic getting thoroughly examined; she couldn't believe the doctor when he said that there was no visible issue that they could detect.
"So we don't have to worry?" Sara asked with an excited ring in her voice. Tegan's head turned to both sides, looking at the doctor then at Sara and then at Dr. Wilson who introduced them to the 'best' heart doctor in town, and decided to join them in the room.
"We're waiting for the tests to confirm it," he said. "The only problem is that we cannot actually detect the abnormality unless we do the transesophageal echocardiogram, which is not safe for her since she's pregnant. We have to wait for the echocardiogram's result to know if the heartbeat is irregular."
"But for now, there isn't any problem, right?" Asked Sara again.
"Nothing I can see," said the doctor. "I don't think you need to worry. Even if we detected something, chances are it's not that dangerous and, again, according to her medical record, this problem can be corrected."
"What about the later stages of pregnancy, doctor?" Tegan asked. "What if it affects my breathing?"
"What about labor?" Dr. Wilson asked.
"I believe we should wait for the result to discuss this more, but to be on the safe side, a cesarean is always the right choice to give birth to twins." Sara didn't think so, however. She had been through a cesarean, she knew how bad the aftermath was, she had gone through all the pains and terrors of that experience and she didn't want Tegan to experience it, too.
Sara didn't say anything, though. She swallowed all the words and churned them inside her head, repeating them again and again with herself in the shower. She heard Stacy's voice in her bedroom, wondering what she was doing there with Tegan and when she had gotten there. Her phone placed in one of the cabinet shelves in the bathroom beeped and beeped. When she left the shower, before wrapping a towel around her body, she grabbed her phone to read her text messages. She held the towel in one hand and read Dr. Wilson's text messages in the other.
She rushed out of the bathroom yelling, "Tegan, Tegan, Tegan!"
Stacy screamed and Tegan shouted, "For fuck's sake, Sara. Put something on."
"Dr. Wilson just texted that she has your results and she's gonna call in five minutes," Sara exclaimed. The phone was still in one hand and the towel in the other, hair dripping wet and body glistening with drops of water.
"What?" Tegan's face grew pale and Stacy turned around to stare at her friend, eyes covering her daughter's eyes while her daughter giggled embarrassingly.
"Yeah, yeah…just let me…" Sara paused while she stared down at her nude form. She finally wrapped the towel around herself and blushed when she realized that she had walked out naked in front of best friend. "Sorry about that, Stacy."
"Nothing I haven't seen," Stacy commented, joining Tegan on the bed. "But Ella's gonna be horrified for the next 10 years of her life."
"No, I won't," Ella answered, joining her mum on the bed. "You have hair down there, too. Big girls have vagina hair," Ella said confidently.
"Okay, wow…I did not even tell her that so don't look at me," Sara said.
"I told her that," Tegan answered. "She kept asking the other day why you had hair and she didn't." Stacy's cheeks grew hot and red. She nodded.
"Gotta stop the showers together," the friend mumbled. "She's noticing everything now," she added.
The phone rang before Tegan could agree. Sara joined them on the mattress, taking a long deep breath before answering. She put the phone on speakers. Her heart thundered inside her body.
"Are you ready to hear the results?" Dr. Wilson asked them after the casual greeting.
"Yes, please," said Tegan anxiously.
"Okay." Paused the doctor. A soft sigh was heard through the phone. "Tegan, unfortunately we detected a slight irregularity in your breathing."
Sara's face slowly began to lose its color. Tegan held her hand and squeezed.
"Fortunately, though, there's a ninety-five percent chance that it won't be harmful neither for you nor for the babies."
"What about the other five percent?" Sara asked in terrified hurry.
"The five percent is that it might cause issues in later stages of pregnancy. You might find some trouble breathing normally, might get too exhausted easily, might give you disturbing palpitations. To avoid that, the doctor will prescribe some pills for you that you will start taking after your fifth month is over."
"They won't be harmful?" Sara questioned, her eyes examined Stacy's concerned ones and Ella's ignorant ones.
"Of course they won't be," answered the doctor. "Tegan, you might want to stay away from any stressful activity. The issue was only detected after the car accident you had been through, and we reckon that it only affects you in traumatic, stressful situations."
Sara rubbed her knee as they both nodded at the inanimate object in Sara's hand.
"I guess we'll see you again at the clinic tomorrow to discuss it better," finished Dr. Wilson.
They both stayed silent for a long while after the call. It was awkward. For Stacy, it was the type of destructive silence that she hated being surrounded by. It spread some dark and negative energy in the room, it reminded her of every type of misery she held within, of all the reasons she felt unhappy, everything that annoyed and disturbed her. She wanted to say something; anything. A word. A clause. Any word. She just wanted to speak, to fill the silence. She looked at her daughter with her thumb in her mouth and then sighed softly.
"Did you guys have dinner?" She asked. Sara looked up at her, blinked twice then shook her head. "Wow, it's nine." Good, she didn't eat anything yet. She fed her daughter and left the house with the dessert Tegan had asked her for. "Want me to prepare something quick while you two take the time to talk about…about this?" She said this without pointing. This was understood, right? They knew what she was talking about. Yes, they did; Sara nodded. She grabbed her daughter's hand and left the bedroom. She closed the door and went downstairs to the kitchen.
"Well," Sara said, her voice cracked. "I guess…"
"There's nothing we can do about it." Sara began to cry. "Why are you crying?" Asked Tegan.
Sara shrugged. Her wife held her hand for comfort, but the tears increased.
"It's nothing too scary," said Tegan. "I guess I have to call mom and dad, though."
"What if it ends up too serious?" Sara sobbed. "What if I lose you or them? I don't wanna lose more."
Losing was what Sara always feared. Tegan couldn't say anything because she knew it was something she couldn't fix; it was fixed, right in there, subconscious, wouldn't change due to past trauma.
"I'll be okay," she said. "I'm fine, perfectly fine."
Sara didn't stop crying, though. It took her half an hour till she finally stopped. When she did, she grabbed her wife's face and kissed every inch in there. Tegan squeezed both hands and rubbed them. "It'll be fine," she said again. "I'm sure of it." Sara nodded.
Tegan called her father to fill him in. He was calm, but her mother's reaction was as bad as Sara's, except there was more shouting than tears.
"What if something happens?" Sonia asked. "What if she gets tried during pregnancy?"
"Sonia," the father said, "calm down."
"I won't be there to help her."
"Her wife is there," he said. "She won't get tired."
"No, I have to be there. She has to give birth next to me. She has to be here, actually."
"Mom," Tegan said softly. "You're panicking." That was the first time Sara had witnessed her mother-in-law in such a state. Funny enough, she sounded a lot like her daughter. "Mom, please relax."
"I can't relax. Don't tell me to relax."
"I'm not sure why she's doing that. If everything is fine it means everything is fine."
"No, you should give her a checkup, too. I don't trust any other doctor."
Sara thought that was sweet. She smiled at her wife.
"Calm down," the father repeated, his tone gentle.
"Mom, I promise you if I feel any discomfort, I'll tell you. Can you please just calm down right now? I don't need you from one side and Sara from the other side panicking."
"You're my kid, what do you want me to do?"
"I am not your little kid," Tegan said. "I'm your adult pregnant kid who's married and has a life of her own. Plus, I'm not alone. Sara's here." Tegan sighed. "Please stop doing that or else I won't call you again to fill you in on my health."
Thank God! The warning seemed to have been effective enough to make the mother stop her blabber.
When the phone call was over, Sara put both hands over the small belly her wife was growing. "Please, Lord, keep all three of them safe," she prayed loudly, looking up at the ceiling. "Please, God," she whispered. Tegan was left in awe as she watched her wife pray with supplicating eyes.
A knock upon the door halted Sara's meditative thoughts. Tegan sighed in relief; she was starting to get uncomfortable.
"Can I come in?" Asked the woman behind the door. Sara remembered her friend was over. She still didn't know what she was doing there.
"Come in," Tegan pronounced.
Stacy smiled as she opened the door slightly. "All is well?" She inquired. Sara nodded with a polite smile.
"Yeah, come in," Tegan invited inside. "Babe, maybe you should get dressed."
"Yeah." Sara sighed as she got up.
Stacy came inside, leaving the door wide open. "Elle, I'm in here, okay?" She shouted.
"Okay," the sound of the little girl came from outside of the bedroom.
"I left her watching The Lion King in the living room. Is that okay?"
"Sure," Sara said. "Let me get dressed so we can get out of the room."
"Yeah, I made some Mac and Cheese." Stacy sat on a chair in the room.
"Cool. Thank you." Sara turned around, facing the wall as she removed her towel.
"Sara," Tegan whined, "there's a bathroom."
Stacy laughed.
Sara didn't care. She put on satin black panties and turned around again. "It's my bedroom. I'll do whatever I want in here."
"Are you pissed off that I am here?" Stacy wondered loudly. "Because…"
"I wanted some of her éclairs. I was craving them," Tegan explained.
Sara was looking through her drawers for the bra she wanted. "No, idiot." She glanced at her friend. "If I didn't want you here, I'd tell you to go. I'm just anxious."
Tegan sighed again. "Sara, come on. It's nothing."
"You called your parents?" Tegan nodded. "What did they say?"
"My mom pulled a Sara." Stacy chuckled.
"Have you seen the burgundy bra?" Sara asked her wife.
"I'm wearing it," said Tegan, pulling the side of her grey shirt down to reveal the strap. "It's comfortable so I…"
"Oh, yes, it's fine. I thought I lost it or something." She had told her wife to use her old undergarment this morning, she forgot about it.
"Do you want it?" Tegan asked.
"No, sweetie. It's fine. I'll wear this one." Her wife held out a thin black bra.
"You know what's the best?" Stacy said. "Not having boobs so you don't have to wear a bra." She smiled big, showing her pearly white teeth.
"You realize you still have nipples and we can still see them?" Sara teased, smirking. She put on some pajamas, staring at Stacy's scowl.
"You don't get to talk when you walk around naked, Sara," said her wife.
"Thank you," exclaimed Stacy. "Finally someone on my side."
Sara sat on the mattress to put on her blue socks. Her hair wasn't dripping anymore, but it was damp enough to make her feel cold. "Anyway, let's go outside. I'm kind of hungry."
The eerie sensation still lingered in her chest as she ate her dinner with her friend and wife. She looked up at the animation on her television and pondered in silence. Her head began to ache after awhile. She needed a glass of wine. She went downstairs to the kitchen and saw the box of éclairs. She poured herself and her friend a glass of wine, prepared some milk for Ella, and got Tegan some lemon juice. She went back upstairs again with a tray in her hand.
"I almost fell," she said. "We should keep the alcohol here, Tee," she told her wife. "Going up and down is annoying."
"No," Tegan refused. "We need to get like a cupboard or like a small bar or something. I hate for the drinks to be exposed."
"Milk?" Chirped Ella. "Give me."
"Yes." Sara laughed. "Here you go." She almost gave the yellow sippy cup to the little girl, but pulled away before the small hands could reach for it. "Not before I get my kiss."
Ella giggled, kissing Sara's cheek quickly. "Now give me," she shouted.
"Ella," her mother said, "speak politely."
"Give me, please." Sara kissed her forehead, giving her the cup.
"So," Sara said, "you ask Stacy for éclairs but not me?" Her jealous eyes were big, wandering, questioning. Tegan suppressed her laugh as much as she could.
"Well, I really craved hers."
"It's the same recipe," Sara said. "It's my mum's recipe." Tegan shrugged. She was on the verge of laughter. "Isn't it?" The professor's eyes met Stacy's.
"Yes, who else would it be?"
"See?" Now they were connected with her wife's twinkling ones. "My mum makes the best éclairs in all Canada and France and the world, I know it."
"Your mum makes the best everything," Stacy commented. "Except children."
"That's not funny," Sara said, but Tegan was laughing.
"I wanna see her," Tegan said. "You talk about her but I don't even know how she looks like."
"Oh, seriously?" Stacy's mouth opened widely. "How come?"
"She never showed me any picture."
"Wow. I mean her mum is like the most gorgeous woman in the entire world. When she came to the parents meeting at school all the high school kids got a hard-on."
"Stop, that's my mother you're talking about."
"Do you not want her to see your mum because you're jealous?"
"What?" Sara's brows rose up. "That's ridiculous. I just don't have a picture of her." The reason was more complicated, though. She didn't want any type of connection between her mother and her wife to happen. She couldn't put her finger on it, but perhaps she just didn't want Tegan to be connected to the past of misery. Tegan was the future; everyone else was the past; the past that hurt her; the past that broke her chest.
The little girl was falling asleep in her mother's lap. Tegan's head rested on her lover's lap as well.
"Looks like I'm sleeping over, tonight," Stacy commented, watching her daughter's eyes commence to close slowly.
"Yeah, do that." Sara yawned. "Babe?"
"Hmm?"
"Tired?"
"Mhm." Tegan rubbed her own eyes, both irises focused on the animated film. Sara leaned in for a kiss, which she returned with a soft moan that made Stacy smile coyly.
"Are you horny?" Sara whispered, but the friend could hear them even though she tried to pretend that she couldn't.
"I don't know," Tegan murmured. "I miss that massage." She giggled sheepishly, staring at the friend from the periphery.
"Ohhh, why not?" Sara winked. When she lifted up her head, the friend was smiling unconsciously. Cheeks were red and lip was bitten. "Oh, man, sorry about that."
"No, no," Stacy said softly. "I'm sorry about being here." She pushed her daughter gently, putting a pillow from the couch underneath her head and covering her small body with her jacket. "I just think it's nice and refreshing."
"What is?" Tegan questioned.
"Being like that…with someone."
"Oh." Sara's eyes were suddenly dilated. "Wait…you…"
"I mean, it's nice for you guys."
"No, no," Sara's voice was quite loud with excitement. The friend hoped her daughter wouldn't wake up. "There's something. A spark. I know you, you didn't think it's nice. Oh my God, you're changing your mind?"
Stacy's discomfort was becoming apparent; Tegan sensed it. The friend wrapped her arms around her chest, making the white shirt stick to her breasts, causing her nipples to be seen. Sara was right, Tegan thought. "I'm not sure."
"Stace, come on. Try. Just try, just date at least."
"I want to but at the same time I don't want to."
"A date wouldn't hurt," Tegan commented. "Just test the waters."
"It's not like you're going to sleep with the person." Stacy chuckled. "I'm serious," Sara continued. "I have friends who are single, want me to like…you know, hook you up with someone or something?" Sara's plan was working, and that's what Tegan had feared. If it worked, it might get both of them in trouble. The last thing she expected was for this plan to work. They had discussed it, but soon after they forgot about it. It needed time and lots of effort.
"Are they nice people?" Stacy was like a frightened little girl.
"Yes, Stace. Of course I wouldn't want you to be with some dicks."
"Can it…" Stacy shook her head. She seemed too timid. "A woman? I want to go on a date with a woman. It just seems easier, more safe. Women are more understanding."
"Of course." Sara's smile was getting bigger and Tegan's eyes were getting wider. It was definitely working. "I know a couple of single women. Just leave it to me." Sara winked. "And if you don't like it, you don't have to go with it. I just think you really deserve to lighten up, have some fun, you know."
"And if things get too…you know good? What about Ella?"
"I don't think you should worry about that for now, Stacy," said Tegan. "Just take it one step at a time."
"Yeah, yeah, true." Stacy sighed. "Who would want to sleep with someone like me, anyway?" She was already thinking of sex, too.
Sara furrowed her brows at her friends. "What?"
"You know, I'm a mum."
"She slept with me." Sara pointed at her wife. "I'm fourteen years older than her and I had c-section stitches and was dry as fuck."
"What about those?" Stacy stood up, lowering her pants down to reveal the stitched up side. "It looks horrible."
"Stacy, seriously? Look at my body. I have stretch marks on my breasts, I have stitches all over my abdomen, I have zero sex drive and I'm still with a healthy, beautiful, young woman."
"You really shouldn't worry about something like that," Tegan agreed. "Pretty sure whoever you'll sleep with won't be perfect as well."
"I haven't even been with a woman."
"Umm…excuse me?" Sara raised one brow. It made the nurse laugh. "Pretty sure that's a vagina you've seen today."
"No, I mean. It's different when it was with you. Come on, you're my first. It doesn't count. And, like, when was the last time we slept together? Like when we were 23? That's ages ago."
"Wow, really?" Tegan asked, sitting up.
"No. We were 25. How can you not remember?"
"I…don't know?" Stacy narrowed her eyes as she tried to recall the scenes.
"It was my going away sex. The goodbye sex before I went to the US. You were newly single. It was good. We celebrated, how did you forget?"
"Ohhhhh." Stacy blushed. "No, I remember now." Tegan tried to act as if that was nothing but Goddamn that jealous gene in her, it couldn't leave her alone. "It's still a long time ago, and I still haven't had sex for 3 years. It's…" Stacy sighed. "I don't even recall that time with Tony as real sex. I was just his doll." Tegan felt bad; maybe the plan did need to work. Sara was smiling apologetically, but Tegan just felt bad for the friend.
The night faded with the small talk they had in the bedroom. Tegan didn't get her massage because it was late and she was tired; they both had to work in the morning. However, Sara put her hand underneath her shirt, placed it right beneath her left breast in order to feel every heartbeat; that's how the professor made sure the love of her life was healthy and alright.