It took Tegan awhile until she finally took her wife's hand and got up. With some kisses and sweet words, giggles and caresses, she wanted to stay there cuddling up with Sara till morning. She didn't know it was way past 3:00 A.M. The fact that they had taken that much time having sex while a kid slept next door and her mother was cut off from any news about her night made Tegan feel ashamed. Sara; on the other hand, seemed unbothered.
As they stepped inside the hot steaming water, Tegan asked, "Aren't you worried about Stacy?"
"I'm only worried about the lack of sleep we're gonna have to put up with since she's probably going to bang on our door at like seven in the morning."
"I'm hungry," Tegan said while Sara washed her body for her. "I'm constantly hungry now because of them." She pointed at her stomach.
"I just hope that I didn't hurt you or them. Too much sex can be exhausting."
"No, you didn't." Tegan smiled. "I've been really aroused lately. Read that it's normal on the internet."
"More than normal." Sara kissed her, though it was a bad idea to kiss under the streaming water. She spat some of the water that got inside her mouth. "Can I wash your breasts or you don't want them touched?"
"Gently." Sara nodded, moving the loofah above the heavy mounds in a slow, gentle movement. Tegan closed her eyes. "Okay, no." She shook her head. "I need to find a solution for this."
"There are some creams I think. I used a really good one during pregnancy. But the soreness for me wasn't that acute at the beginning. My nipples began to hurt in the sixth month, though." Sara put up some shampoo in her hand and quickly put it on her own head. It was her turn to wash herself now. "Jack used to, uh…you know, play with them a lot…suck them a lot so the first time I produced milk was the night of ummm…"
"Don't talk about it," Tegan whispered. "It always makes you feel uncomfortable, so don't talk about it. It's fine." It made Tegan feel uncomfortable as well.
"I just want to share my experience with you but it doesn't sound…quite right."
"I understand."
Sara changed the sheets of their mattress afterward. They were no way going to sleep on the same sheets they had filled with their fluids. Tegan watched as she ate a cheddar cheese sandwich that she hastily prepared after their shower. She checked on Ella, too; the girl was calmly asleep. Once both of them were done, they brushed their teeth ready to fall asleep.
Only five minutes after, they heard Ella's voice nearby. Tegan sat up to watch the toddler standing there in the dark room. It took Sara a minute to open her eyes and sit up, too. Tegan switched on the lamp on her bedside table.
"Yes, love," asked Sara. "Are you okay?"
Ella looked at them blankly without any emotion on her innocent features. Tegan questioned herself if they were nude, looking at her wife then at herself; they were both fully covered in fresh pajamas. She asked herself whether Ella had witnessed their act before and hid away as a result, but that was impossible because the kid wasn't that smart not to freak out witnessing such a sexual scene. Tegan looked at Sara, but Sara had an equally confused look on her face.
"Did you have a bad dream?" Ella shook her head. "Then what is it?" Sara asked again.
"Something bad," Ella whispered.
"Wha…Ohhh." Sara sighed and got up. Tegan was still left in the dark. "It's fine, honey. Let's go change."
"You're not gonna tell mummy?" Ella asked, already crying.
"No, I won't," Sara whispered, looking back at Tegan with a defeated look. Tegan followed both girls to the other bedroom. "Let's hope your mama packed some extra underwear for you."
"Why didn't you call us, Ella?" Tegan asked.
"I was asleep." Sara gave her wife a look indicating that she needed to shut up or else the kid was going to throw a tantrum soon. "Mum says I should wake up when I have to pee, but I can't. It just happens."
"It's fine, sweetie." Sara smiled. "There, Mummy has packed extra undies and another pajama, too."
Tegan hoped her teddy bear didn't get stained as well. She inspected the bed and the wet patch on the mattress. The bear was on the floor when she picked it up, nothing was there. It was fully dry. She remembered when she had checked on Ella, the bear was on the floor as well, that meant she had kicked it before she wet her pants, hoped Tegan.
"Hey, why don't you change the sheets while I change for her?" Tegan asked.
"Sure?" Tegan nodded. "Why don't you rest, Tegan?"
"I'm fine." She took Ella's clean clothes from her wife and sat on the chair in the corner of the room. "Come here, Ella."
After few minutes, Ella threw herself at Tegan, hugging her and kissing her cheeks. It made Tegan giggle and put her on her lap. "I love you," Ella said.
"I love you, too." Tegan kissed her forehead. When Sara finished, she picked up Ella and all three went to the bedroom. "Ella's gonna sleep here?"
"Yeah, is that okay?" Tegan nodded. "I don't want her legs to kick you so I'm gonna separate you two by a pillow."
"Oh, honey, it's not her I'm afraid of kicking me; it's you and your hand. I get hit on my breasts everyday because you can't sleep normally."
"I'm sorry." Ella was laughing. "That's funny?" Ella nodded.
Sara cuddled up with the child while Tegan cuddled up with a pillow.
Nothing hurt more than her head as the ray of light stung her eyes. She cursed under her breath as the drumming in her skull became more alerting and the light seemed brighter and closer. She heard shifting and she felt a soft breeze on her shoulders. She sneezed as something was caught in her nose. She sneezed again and opened her eyes only to find dark hair all over her face. A pair of blue eyes stared with astounding confusion down at her. She sneezed a third time because the older woman's hair was inches from her nose.
"What…" She gasped, memory slowly beginning to hit her. Shame painted a red picture for itself on both of her cheeks. She sat up immediately, pushing Stacy away. "Shit…I'm…I'll go…"
She stood up; taking the white sheets with her as she frantically looked for the lost items of her clothes. She felt her tears rushing down her face when the recollections of the woman making her scream and cry came in mind. She had never declared such type of nirvana during sex; that alone was shameful to her because she knew Stacy was going to use it against her for the rest of eternity.
"You're looking for this?" Stacy held out a violet-colored lace bra in her hand. Emy snatched it away quickly. Her eyes resisted looking down, because for just one second, she inspected the older woman and found her completely naked; and boy, that was a different scene from the darkness of the night. Her cheeks were burning but Stacy seemed unbothered by her reaction. She knew Stacy was laughing in mockery and derision at her own misery as she struggled with her clothes. When Stacy tried to help her zip up her dress, she pushed her off, gasping as a result.
"Are you okay?" Stacy asked. She could only nod in fear and anxiety. "Don't you want something to eat?" She shook her head. She needed to get to Tegan right now. She hated herself more than ever. Never had she hated herself more than she did at that moment. She imagined a black hole opening up in the ground to swallow her whole. "Do you wanna talk about it?" She shook her head again.
"I gotta go," she said, walking out of the bedroom to find her coat thrown on the couch. She grabbed the coat and her wallet then quickly left the apartment. Once she was in the street, she broke down on the sidewalk. It was only eight in the morning. It was the weekend and barely anybody was out in the freezing cold. She hoped Stacy wouldn't follow her down. She knew the older woman would be watching from her window, rejoicing the weakness she could clearly witness.
She left the street, put up with the cold to walk away from the damned apartment complex the evil woman lived inside. Once she was out of sight, she ordered an Uber. It only took her a couple of minutes until the car arrived. She had to decide where she wanted to go quickly. Jeremy and Tegan both had called more than a dozen times. Her clothes were disgusting and she looked horrible; she didn't have to look in a mirror to know that. She chose Tegan's place.
Her luck was unfortunate; as she got out of the Uber, Stacy parked her own car. She looked at the older woman with a disgusted mean look and the older woman did not spare her the infamous glare. They both hurried inside, no words were said except the huff she let as Stacy's scent was near her, making her sneeze again. She was going to knock on the kitchen's door from the back of the house, hoping both women were awake but Stacy grabbed her hand and put it down, using her own key to unlock it. "Ugh." Emy shrugged her hand away, scowling at the older woman.
It was like a game; whoever hurried inside could be the first to scold and yell. They both climbed up the stairs quickly. Stacy wasn't all neat and nice; her hair was all over the place and her jeans were baggy, her coat was huge. It's clear that she hurried to leave the house and follow Emy, knowing exactly where the younger woman would be.
Both women pushed the bedroom's door open only to find three sleeping people on the mattress. Stacy stopped and paused. The scene was adorable, Emy thought. Tegan cuddled up with a pillow and Sara held the toddler as she slept. Just then Emy started to cry again.
"Why are you crying?" Stacy asked. "I didn't force you, did I?"
"No," Emy said.
"I wasn't rough." Emy shook her head. "What did I do? I remember what I did and you were okay with it."
And that's why she was crying.
"What the hell?" Sara said, sitting up with narrowed eyes. "What are you guys doing h…" She cut herself off because she remembered the reason they were rudely interrupting her peaceful slumber.
Tegan woke up, too. It took her awhile to absorb the scenery in the room. She opened her eyes and looked at everyone for a minute until she sat up with a blank face, not knowing what to say or what to do.
"Why would you fucking do this?" Emy yelled at her friend. "Do you hate me?"
"Wow, so it's that fucking bad to sleep with me? You were begging me to stay last night," Stacy snapped.
"Oh my God, you're unbelievable, go ahead and make it seem like I was dying to fuck you."
The noises were loud; the child woke up confused and scared.
"Guys, stop," Sara shouted. She stood up. "Get out of here. Let's go talk in the living room."
"Mummy," Ella said quietly, too frightened to show any emotion.
Tegan seemed equally horrified, but that was only the gruesome feeling in her stomach that made her face contort in pain. She gasped, putting her hand against her mouth before she ran away to the bathroom to throw up.
"Just fantastic." Emy huffed.
"Just calm down, please," Sara tried. "Look, umm…I have to see Tegan, but…" She looked back at the bathroom where her wife was gagging and groaning. "Emy, come with me to the bathroom. Stacy stay with Ella for now, I'll talk to you in a bit."
Sara helped her wife wash up and sit on the closed toilet seat. Tegan didn't look that well; her complexion was yellowish in hue and her eyes looked swollen and tired. Sara hoped their previous night activities didn't tire her out. "Tee, babe, want to go to the hospital? You seem pale."
"No." Tegan shook her head with a groan. "It's morning sickness." She closed her eyes for a second then opened them. "I think I need sleep."
"If you feel anything weird, please tell me." Tegan nodded, eyeing silently crying Emy.
"I'm sorry," whispered Tegan. "I'm really sorry; I didn't think you're gonna…"
"It's my fault," Sara admitted. "I planned it out and encouraged it. I honestly thought you two…had a thing but didn't know how to express it."
"We slept together." Two eyes were wide open and two mouths were agape as shock hovered around the married couple. "I…I don't know how it happened, okay."
"You were drunk?"
Emy shrugged. "I mean, I think she was but she says she remembers everything and that's embarrassing. She didn't want…" Emy cried and hiccuped. "She didn't want me…didn't want to stay with me, I mean. I mean…I mean she was so disgusted then sat far away and I sat alone and she flirted with this guy but she says she wasn't flirting and he was flirting and he bothered her so I went there to, like, like save her..." Emy chuckled. "I'm stupid." She wiped her tears but more fell. "Then we talked and I don't know how I ended up at her house." Sara and Tegan were listening intently at that moment, not wanting to interrupt the woman but desperately wanting her to finish. "Actually, I know. She…she said she's not sure she should drive because she had a few drinks and asked me if I could drive her home and when I did, she asked me to go up with her because it was late and I shouldn't order an Uber and she was nice all of a sudden and…and then somehow…it…it happened." She cried more, the voice was heart-wrenching to both women. Sara felt deep shame and guilt, wanting to cry as well.
"Did she force you or something?" Tegan asked.
"No, but…"
"But?" Sara questioned.
"She was so controlling. Like, she…she…" Emy shrugged, not willing to continue.
"Emy, say it, I'm worried," Sara said shortly.
"Say it to me at least," Tegan said.
"She was just this…this woman who knew everything and I felt so stupid then this thing happened and I swear I saw her grinning and I wanted to kill myself so I just buried my face away, thinking I'd leave when she fell asleep but I just woke up with her staring at me."
"What thing?" Sara asked.
"I can't say it."
"Come on, Em…we won't judge…" Tegan tried.
"You will."
"I swear I won't…at least tell me. I won't tell Sara if it's too much information, I promise."
"Liar, you tell her everything." Tegan sighed.
"Is it like a thing she did during sex or a thing you did?"
"Both…I don't know."
Sara nodded. "Can I whisper something in your ear and you tell me if that's what happened or not?" Emy hesitated but eventually nodded. Impatient Tegan scowled at them as her friend told the big secret to her wife. Emy nodded after a faint gasp, but Sara had a smile on her face; a smirk in fact. "That's the most normal thing that could happen during sex with her. She wanted to impress you and that's why she did it."
"What?" Emy said. "But…"
"Can I know what's going on?"
"Can I tell her?" Sara said. Emy didn't nod nor shake her head, she just shrugged. "Okay, so umm, she squirted."
"What?" Tegan yelled, her face grew red. "How?"
"Oh my God," Emy yelled. "See?"
"It happens," Sara said. "It's normal. Actually, she can do that to women easily, she's so familiar with the…parts and everything and she did it on purpose in order to impress you. That's like you reaching the best type of orgasm in your life, Emy." Emy's rubicund complexion made her look like a little crying child.
"That's actually real?" Tegan asked. Sara nodded. It's probably piss, Tegan thought. "Wait…did she ever…" Tegan gasped. "Holy shit, she's done it to you, too."
"Two times…but a long time ago."
"But…" Suddenly, Tegan's jealousy was large enough to cause an explosion in the room. "How? How come I can't do that to you?" It's still piss, Tegan convinced herself. What's so cute about it?
"I told you she knows how. I don't even know how. I've never made anyone squirt, by the way."
"Can we please not use this word?" Emy said with a sniffle. Finally, her tears were getting dry.
"Is that all that's bothering you?" Sara inquired.
Emy gave a hesitant shrug, leaving Sara beg for answers with her facial expressions. "She's…I mean, last night when she saw me sitting there, she was so rude to me. She felt embarrassed and disgusted to have seen me there and I asked her why, she said it's because I'm like thirteen years younger than her and she's not like…you."
Sara sighed. That was an expected reaction and a strong indication that her friend indeed did like this woman. When Stacy played hard to get and was rude, it was just a defense mechanism.
"Then she was so nice to me last night. She was also so…I don't know, controlling, way too…"
"Motherly," Tegan said, chuckling.
"Kind of?" The friend's brows knitted. "I mean, I woke up this morning with her staring at me. She asked me if I wanted something to eat. I mean that's just her being nice but what is it? Like, why did she not want me near her yesterday and now she followed me here?"
"Because Stacy's full of bullshit," Tegan said, rolling her eyes. "That literally proves she wants you and she just needed some attention at first, otherwise she would have left the bar, trust me."
"What's more important now is that do you like her?" Sara questioned. If both women had feelings for each other, she didn't see why they shouldn't be together. However, much to Sara's dismay, Emy only shrugged. "You don't?" Emy shrugged again. "Now you can't keep doing that with your shoulders, you have to decide."
"She's, like, a mum."
"So?" Tegan said loudly. "What's wrong with mums?"
"Okay, you're basically hitting a nerve with the pregnant lady right there, but yeah, why is that so bad?"
"No, that's different." Emy sighed. "She is actually way too old for me to date and she has a kid of her own. Ella's her priority so I'll probably either be forgotten or be treated like her other daughter."
Tegan gave her wife a look only the two of them understood. The look was accompanied by a smile that revealed all Tegan's past issues with her own wife, and Sara's guilty smile revealed that the professor had finally understood why her wife hated being treated like a child.
"I think that…you two will have to, you know, give yourself some time to sit and talk about everything before you jump into anything," Tegan remarked.
"Who said we will, anyway?" The scowl on the friend's face could slaughter anyone if it was a bloody weapon. Deep down, she wanted and dreamed of a relationship as serious as the one her friend had with the professor. She was concerned, however; Stacy didn't seem like she could settle with anyone ever. Those single people with children seemed not to give a damn about any person other than their child. She could imagine it and daydream about it but she didn't want to hope for too much because whenever she hoped, life slapped her in the face in front all of its audience, making a joke out of her misery and chagrin.
The conversation was interrupted again by Tegan emptying the contents of her stomach, moaning with tears as nothing from the previous night was left inside. Emy walked out of the bathroom to get her friend some water. She was met by silent and motionless Stacy with her daughter asleep in her arms. Stacy's eyes revealed the dry tears surrounding her lids. Emy didn't say anything. She wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. She walked out and went downstairs to the kitchen to grab some water. When she returned, Tegan was in bed, wearing Sara's navy robe as Sara stroked her hair and rubbed her stomach.
"Thank you," Sara whispered, taking the glass from Emy's hand.
Stacy was doing her job, feeling Tegan's forehead and pulse as she asked her a couple of questions. She hoped her friend was fine. "Is she okay?" asked Emy.
Sara seemed too concerned to answer.
"She seems exhausted," Stacy said, taking a gentle look at Emy. "How many hours of sleep you've had exactly?"
"About four hours," Sara answered.
"Explains so much." Stacy sighed. "Uh…Emy, can you please check on Ella in the other room? I just put her on the mattress there, I'm not even sure I covered her. Can you check for me?" It was a strange request, but she nodded and left the room. Stacy whispered, "Okay, what's going on? What did she say?"
"We need to have a talk," Sara whispered again.
"Not now, when she's gone," Tegan said. "I need to rest, too."
Tegan fell asleep after a few minutes, leaving the three women alone with nothing but awkward silence hovering between them. Emy decided to leave because that was much better than side eyeing Stacy only to find the piercing blue eyes of the older woman focused on hers.
"Do you think she'll have another miscarriage?" Sara asked out of the blue. They were sitting in the living room. The sky was cloudy from the large window. Rain was falling. Ella stood against the glass and drew shapes on the foggy material. She made stories and erased them to make more of them. Sara checked on her wife every few minutes. "I wish I didn't exhaust her last night."
"I hope you didn't exhaust her in front of my daughter." Sara rolled her eyes. "You did?"
"No," Sara exclaimed. "God," she moaned. "What if?"
"Sara, stop assuming the worst."
"But the chance is strong."
"Look, you need to calm down. If it happens, you can't do anything about it." Stacy; on the other hand, could barely rest in her seat as her mind was thinking and wondering about the words Emy could have said to the couple. She wanted to know badly but Sara didn't want to tell her before Tegan was up.
Sara's phone rang that second Stacy finished her sentence. "That's my mum!" Sara's eyes dilated as she stared at her screen; she could never get used to seeing that number. She picked up with hesitance, voice trembling; "Hey, mum."
"Good morning, dear," Evelyn greeted. "I was just doing my homework and I thought about you while reading this poem." The mother chuckled. "How funny is that? I'm doing homework again."
"You're actually studying?"
"Yeah," Mother said. "English Literature just like you. I'm like the oldest college student there, but people think I'm in my thirties, can you believe that?"
Sara rolled her eyes. "Yes, I can believe that, have you looked at yourself in the mirror?" Evelyn laughed again. "Which poem?" Sara asked. "Why did it remind you of me?"
"I have gone out, a possessed witch,
haunting the black air, braver at night;
dreaming evil, I have done my hitch
over the plain houses, light by light:
lonely thing, twelve-fingered, out of mind.
A woman like that is not a woman, quite.
I have been her kind."
As the mother began to recite the poem with her sweet voice, Sara didn't need her to finish before she remembered one of her favorite poems when she was in high school. She had heard her mother recite it one day when she was sixteen. She asked for the title. "Her Kind" by Anne Sexton. She still recalled doing her research, musing and marveling at the fact her mother knew and recited such a poem.
"Oh," Sara said. "I remember." The door opened and yawning Tegan left the room as she rubbed her eyes. She smiled lazily at Sara. Sara smiled back with apprehension on her face. Her mother continued the poem:
I have found the warm caves in the woods,
filled them with skillets, carvings, shelves,
closets, silks, innumerable goods;
fixed the suppers for the worms and the elves:
whining, rearranging the disaligned.
A woman like that is misunderstood.
I have been her kind.
Tegan lay down on the couch, head over Sara's lap. She closed her eyes again, hearing the soft voice through the phone and the gentle one of the rain. Stacy was sitting by her feet, looking at Sara for a second and at her daughter the next. Sara stroked her wife's hair and listened to her mother:
I have ridden in your cart, driver,
waved my nude arms at villages going by,
learning the last bright routes, survivor
where your flames still bite my thigh
and my ribs crack where your wheels wind.
A woman like that is not ashamed to die.
I have been her kind.
Sara leaned in to kiss her wife. She hoped her mother didn't hear nor notice through her recital. Tegan smiled, burying her face in her lover's lap and closing her eyes again.
"How beautiful," said the mother. "I still remember the first time I read it to you and you wondered why I was reading such a poem."
Sara laughed softly. "I was trying to get the words out of your mouth but I knew. I just wanted you to admit it."
"Yeah…" Sighed Evelyn. "How are you, Sara?"
"I'm good."
"Is everything going well with you and your wife?"
"Mhm."
"What's her name?"
"What?" Sara asked, sweat upon her brows.
"Her name…your wife. She has a name, right?"
"Tegan," answered Sara. Tegan looked up thinking she was being called. "That's her name."
"Oh, that's such a unique name. What does it mean?"
"Beautiful in Welsh…or maybe it's Irish. I forgot." Tegan giggled. Stacy joined her.
"Is she?"
"She is." Sara's patience was slowly running out.
"I want to see how she looks like."
No, Sara thought. You'll jinx us. "I'll…I'll send a picture…soon enough." She wouldn't.
The phone call was over after few more minutes full of awkward questions which Sara tried to run away from. Tegan flipped through the channels quickly to distract herself while Stacy was planning the right moment to speak.
"Finally." Sara emitted a sigh of relief from her lungs. "That was awkward."
"Honestly, you're mean," Stacy commented. "She's trying to get close to you in any possible way and you keep pushing her."
"Because I don't want her to get close to me."
"Would you like it if one of your kids did that to you?"
Sara didn't answer immediately, but that didn't mean her friend's words had touched her. "I will not treat my kids the way she treated me and I won't get pushed away when I'm old."
"Anyway," Tegan interrupted, "I'm hungry."
"You're feeling better, babe?" Sara's tone instantly shifted from a gruff, angry one to a soft, melodic tune as she spoke to her wife. "I can make you some cereal."
"I'm good." Tegan shook her head. "Milk is a no." Sara sighed. "Don't even bother with me. I want, like, a fruit salad and coffee and toast." Tegan rubbed her stomach. "Something sweet, too. I think the one on the left wants something sweet. Isn't that right, Joseph?" Sara's eyes widened. "See, he says yes."
"It's not a he," Sara said as she stood up. And he wouldn't be named Joseph even if it was a he, she thought. "You can't decide that now. It could be a she."
"It's my uterus, I know what's inside." Sara didn't want to argue more. She went downstairs to start on her wife's breakfast.
"Okay, so tell me because I can't wait any longer. What's up?" Stacy asked. "And don't tell me Sara has to be here for you to tell me."
"No, no." Tegan shook her head. "Actually, it's better she's not here."
"Okay?"
"So, Emy is kinda…embarrassed." She could feel herself getting hot as she remembered what her friend had revealed.
"Of what?" Tegan gave the nurse a look; a raised brow and a smirk. "Oh…ohhhh." Stacy blushed. "I…I thought she'd like that?"
"She had never experienced it." Tegan paused then questioned, "Isn't that like…pee?"
"No," Stacy yelled. "Oh my God, that's why she didn't look at me after that. She thought that, too?"
"Well, yeah, probably. We always made fun of it…like, how it's really pee and there's no such thing as, you know, squirting."
"Fuck," mumbled Stacy. "Fuck, I'm stupid."
"Sara, well, explained it to both of us…I was sure, like, it didn't exist." Stacy's face grew a shade darker. "It's true." Tegan felt uncomfortable.
"Sara had never made you squirt?" To Stacy, it was amusing. To Tegan, it was embarrassing. She shook her head. "Never even mentioned it?"
"Just once, but it was a joke. I thought it's a myth."
"It's not." Stacy wiggled her brows. "Anyway, so that's why she was so…."
"Tee, I'm so sorry, we don't have enough fruits. I got you some cookies, coffee, and Nutella on bread." Sara was too quick, which was easy to tell that she had already prepared Tegan's breakfast before she woke up and didn't feel like making something else. "We should go shopping."
"Thank you."
"Anyway, that's the only reason she was so angry?"
"That and the fact you seemed way too controlling."
"Oh, started talking about it already?" Tegan nodded, taking a sip of her coffee.
"How?"
"Oh, fuck, Sara," Tegan spat it. "It's fucking cold." Sara scratched behind her head. "You didn't even bother make new coffee."
"Sorry." Sara snorted. "You shouldn't be drinking coffee, anyway."
"Okay, okay, back to Emy," Stacy said. "She thought what?"
"You're controlling," Tegan said again.
"The thing is, Tegan, you know how controlling and motherly I can be? Stacy's worse."
"I know," Tegan said. "I'm just saying, if you actually want to be with her you gotta…tone that down. She's not like me. Doesn't enjoy getting spoiled much."
"Okayyy?"
"And she was concerned about the fact that you didn't seem to want her, like she was just someone you're having fun with because you would never settle for anyone else again," Sara explained. "Do you like her?"
"As much as I want to kill you right now, as much as I am thankful for what you did…so I guess, yes, I do have feelings for her." She wrinkled her nose. "That's strange to say."
"Well, then?" Tegan asked with a full mouth. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"I don't know," Stacy answered hastily. "I guess I'll…think about it."
"I mean, don't give her mixed signals," Sara advised. "That was my mistake with Tegan, anyway."
"Plus, I don't think she's emotionally stable to put up with mind games right now," added Tegan.
"Her brother died a few months ago, right?" Tegan nodded. Stacy grimaced as she thought about the horrible situation. "Is she nice?"
"She is." Tegan laughed. "Just try not to mother her, please. We really hate that." Stealthy glances shifted Sara's way, making the professor blush.
"I'm trying," Stacy said. "She's too much younger. I've never been with any person younger than me by the way." She sighed. "That's just…I don't know, weird. Everyone was always older than me."
"Straight people." With a roll of an eye, Tegan took another sip of her coffee; savoring the bitter taste as much as she could because that was the only time she could enjoy it that day, even if it was cold. One cup a day was not enough to get her mood better, but at least she didn't have to work today.
"I wanna ask a question," Sara interrupted.
"Yeah?"
"You were worried about sex yesterday." The nurse widened her eyes. At first Sara didn't get it until her friend pointed at the four-year-old by the window. "Okay, okay, about the thing." Sara sighed.
"Yeah, I was."
"And?"
"It was good. I mean…I don't know. You should ask her."
"Wait you didn't?" Tegan exclaimed. "She didn't touch you?"
"No, after…it happened," Stacy said with bashful hesitancy, "she turned around and buried her face in the pillow. I tried to know what's wrong; she said she's exhausted so I just left her…"
"Oh, wow."
"I'm not sad about it. I wasn't sure I wanted to be touched, anyway." Sara thought her friend was lying. You could only spend so much time with someone to know whether they're lying or not.
"Would you like to sleep with her again?" Sara asked with a faint smirk.
Two rosy cheeks and glittering eyes were the answer that the couple needed before the woman could say yes. "If it happens, then why not?"
"So you're gonna ask her out again." Tegan grinned. "I should give you her number,"
"We already have to talk about what happened yesterday so I guess I should be the one calling but I wanna give her time to think about everything."
"Yes, but don't give her too much time," Sara said. "Wow, we're becoming some love gurus."
"Bad ones if I must say," Stacy said.
"This is just like…the chart," Tegan told her wife. "Like everyone literally slept with everyone."
"I know." Sara laughed.
"I'm lost," Stacy said.
"You should watch The L Word, hun," Sara said. "First rule of being a lesbian: watch The L Word."
"I'm still bisexual."
"Same thing," Tegan said. "What I meant is that, like, lesbians sleep with everyone. Like you get this chart starting from Sara, let's say. Sara slept with you and slept with me. I slept with Emy and Jeremy. Jeremy also slept with Emy and Emy has slept with you and so we're back to Sara because you have slept with Sara. A chart…get it?"
"More like a chain." Stacy sighed. "I'm way too old for this."
"You're thirty-six," Sara said. "You should be sleeping with people."
"Hmm…we'll see what happens." Stacy stood up. "I should go home. I have some thinking to do."
Later in the afternoon, Tegan decided to go downstairs to check on the dishwasher. She checked it a few times, noticing that Sara might have actually broken it. She turned back looking at her wife with a death glare. Sara's red face froze, waiting for the outburst.
"Grab me the tools box," Tegan said with gritted teeth.
"Uh…Why…why don't we…call someone?" Fuck, Sara thought, why are you such an idiot?
"I think I can fix it," Tegan said coldly. "I need to take a look at it first."
"Is it…safe?"
"Yes," Tegan yelled. "Just get me the fucking tool box."
"Oh…okay." She took a deep breath, searching for the tools she hid in one of the kitchen's cupboards or drawers.
"What did you even do?" Tegan questioned. "Get me the screwdriver."
"Wait…umm, which one? There are three."
"The one with the red handle."
Sara handed her wife the object she asked for, closely watching as Tegan inspected and examined the machine. "I…I don't know. I put…I don't know." Sara panicked. "I did it like you told me, I swear."
"Okay, shush, I got it."
"What is it?" Sara asked.
"You didn't even put water, Sara. Of course it's not going to work." Tegan turned it on after adding water and the machine started working perfectly. "I don't need this, I guess." She sighed, throwing the screwdriver back in the box.
Sara sat at the kitchen table. Her wife had never been that harsh with her. She tried to push the feeling away but it irked her. She got yelled at and it didn't feel nice. She felt stupid for the first time in a long time.
And, for the first time in a long time, she felt like her mother.
"I don't know what's up with you English professors, somehow all of you are technologically challenged." Sara did not respond. "What's wrong?"
Sara rolled her eyes.
"Oh, fuck, Sara! You can't be mad."
Sara shrugged like a little child as her lips turned downward, tears started to fall from her eyes.
"Damn, Sara! Are you serious?" Tegan sat beside her. That's when her phone started ringing. It was Jeremy.
"Hey," she said. "Look, now it's not a good time, I'll call you later." She was in a hurry; the last thing she wanted was to make Sara sad.
"Just a minute," he shouted through the phone. He seemed out of breath; Sara could hear his voice distinctly. "Dude, what the fuck that thing with Emy and Stacy?"
"Yeah?" Tegan chuckled. "She called you, didn't she?" The professor's eyes met Tegan's but quickly shifted back to her hand. She stood up, grabbed her mug and poured herself a fresh cup of coffee.
"Well, yeah. She was crying." Sara looked up again, a bit concerned, a bit ashamed. She heard the conversation well and, by the looks exchanged between the two, she could tell that Tegan knew she concentrated on the conversation. Sara sighed and sipped her bitter liquid.
"Shit, really? I thought…you know, she felt better."
"She's just overwhelmed."
"What did she tell you exactly?" Tegan asked.
"That they slept together and she feels like she's all over the place and doesn't know what to do."
"Oh…" Tegan chuckled.
"What?"
"Nothing." Tegan sighed. "I'll talk to her soon. I already did, I just need her to think about it and relax."
"Yeah. She said she was going to sleep it off and maybe she'll wake up fresh."
"Hopefully." Tegan yawned. "Bye, Jeremy."
"See ya."
Sara stood there staring at her wife.
"Sara? What did I even do?"
"You yelled at me."
In her head, Tegan recalled what happened. She couldn't find the exact moment she had yelled at her wife. Sara raised her voice at her plenty of times before, why was it such a crime now that she just yelled even though she knew she did not? Was it because Sara was older? Was she not supposed to yell? Were they not supposed to yell at each other sometimes? Her parents yelled at one another almost every day and still revoltingly kissed one another an hour later right in front of her. She couldn't understand the life of the married people. In fact, she couldn't understand being in a relationship. It was hard. She had never been in a serious one. Now she's not only in a normal one, but she's married and she's expecting children.
"I…I honestly don't remember, but I'm sorry if I did."
"You acted as if I fucking burned the house or something."
"I just thought you broke it and I…I guess I was a bit…bitchy, I'm sorry."
"Tegan, if you have, like, I don't know, broken something around the house I wouldn't even care but you literally just yelled at me as if I am some child that shouldn't be near anything." Tegan sighed. "Look, I won't touch it again. I'll wash the dishes like normal people do and once you want to wash them, load the fucking dishwasher and turn it on."
"Fine." Tegan knew there was no point in arguing or apologizing anymore. Sara was angry and she was not in the mood so she decided to leave it behind until both of them decided to act as if nothing was wrong.
Sara cleaned, did the laundry, then cooked. Once she finished, she took a quick shower then sat alone in her room while Tegan watched TV in the living room. She wrote, she read, and then cried a bit.
She didn't understand why she cried. She felt overwhelmed with a ghost of responsibility she hadn't even thought of. She was not even angry at Tegan anymore. They ate dinner together and they chatted about work casually. She preferred not to allow her thoughts to break her, she preferred to stay positive but the sudden weight that fell on her shoulder made her sit up every night to think about her future plan. When she thought, she did not like to go far just in case her babies did not survive, but if they did, she and Tegan were going to be in a deep financial trouble. She could see Tegan leaving her job soon, Tegan hinted at it many times. She did make a living good enough for both of them, but was it good enough for the four of them? What about school? College? Clothes? What about all that children needed? Tegan was working on being a Canadian citizen, too. That, too, took some time and energy. Sometimes when she thought too much, she felt like nothing was going to go right and that was one of those nights. Her cries increased, her sobs were loud enough to summon her wife into the room.
Tegan hugged her without any word when she entered their bedroom. Why did it feel like she was about to choke on her saliva and be blinded by her tears? She felt helpless. Why wasn't she happy? That alone made her cry. She's supposed to be grateful, right? It's everything she wanted, she kept telling herself. The more she injected her mind with these thoughts, the heavier she wept.
"I'm sorry," Tegan whispered. "Is it me?" She shook her head. "Why don't you talk about it?" She shook her head again. "I'm worried."
"I'm scared."
"Scared?"
"It's too much and I'm scared. I'm not used to this."
Tegan understood her. She wanted to laugh at the irony. "I'm not used to this, too." Sara sat back to rest against the headboard.
"It's supposed to be familiar to me. I've been married before. I expected a child before. But it doesn't seem easy. It seems foreign, different. Like, I'm…like I'm racing against time or something. I'm always worried. I can't even be happy about it."
"Today, I kept thinking about…how I'm not used to relationships," Tegan hesitated, but it felt like the perfect moment to speak up. "I haven't been in a serious one. I never thought I'd see myself married. Everything feels rushed to me." Sara looked up at her. Eyes bleeding and nose on fire. "It's not that I am unhappy with you, I swear it's the opposite. It's just…I don't know you."
"What?" Maybe she shouldn't have spoken up. Maybe she jumped to danger territory. Maybe she should have kept it there in her brain till time washed it out.
"I…I don't want you to misunderstand me."
"I don't understand much right now, to be frank with you."
The younger woman sighed. "We don't know each other much. We dated for two months almost three years ago. Then we just, you know, got married after a few months now. It hasn't even been a year since you came back. Have you thought of that?"
"You think we rushed things?" Sara wondered.
"I'm thankful…I'm really thankful, but, yes, I think we don't know much about each other and that's why we're always…"
"Arguing." Sara smiled to herself.
"Yeah," Tegan whispered.
"Maybe we need to spend more time together and less time having sex or apart," Sara suggested.
Tegan didn't want to joke and she hated how Sara sometimes turned everything into a joke. Some situations weren't there to joke about, she thought.
"I just…think that we don't have much in common."
"What do you mean?"
Tegan hoped the night wouldn't end in another argument.
"We like totally different things."
"That's not a big problem."
"I know, but…sometimes I feel like you're in another world than me."
"I feel that too, Tegan." Sara chuckled. "I feel like…you know, like I'm too old."
"You're not. I'm just too young."
"I feel like I don't know if I can do this. The whole parents thing. The mum thing. It feels overwhelming."
"Trust me, I know." Tegan raised an eyebrow. "But it's what you want."
"I know that. That's why it's scaring me. Because I can't be happy about it."
Tegan smiled. "You're just worried something might happen."
"I'm just anxious and I can't explain it. All I know is that I really love you and I cannot live a single second without you."
"You really can't?" Their romantic moments were almost rare. Tegan blushed because that declaration of love felt as real as the first time she heard it few years ago. It felt new. It revived her senses. It felt true.
"I can't even imagine it." Sara started crying again. "Don't even make me imagine it because thinking about it is making me cry like an idiot right now."
The older woman was hugged again, kissed a few times on her wet face and once on her lips.
"I love you, Sara. I love you, too."
That night, kisses and light fondling made them relax, forgetting what happened in the afternoon, but certainly not forgetting their conversation in the evening.