22. SHIELDS DOWN
Tom had been in a reasonably pleasant mood when he had returned to the castle that evening. The day's meetings had dragged on, as usual, and accomplished frustratingly little, as usual, but he hadn't had to deal with either Dumbledore or Fudge that day so that had offered at least a slight reprieve. And thanks to the new hires to the editorial board of the Daily Prophet, the press coverage on their ideas and accomplishments had become decidedly more positive, which, coupled with the few prominent seconders for their push to decriminalise Dark magic certainly boded well for their agenda. Brutus had also finally managed to get the Ministry to reconsider their heretofore applied stalling tactic in regards to the assets that had been seized in the context of the by now overturned prison sentences and the relevant office had finally conceded to hand the review of the respective case files over to Gringotts, which would almost certainly lead to a speedy resolution.
So yes, Tom had been in a pleasant mood, right up until the point when he had gone in search of his wife and found her not in their quarters, not in the gardens or the library, not spending time with one of her teachers or David, but instead in the small suite of rooms that were commonly used as a makeshift infirmary since they were close to Severus' rooms, who was the most competent at administering first aide.
"So let me get this straight," he said and all three of his Death Eaters shifted uncomfortably. "You absconded with my wife first to a Muggle neighbourhood, then to St. Mungo's to partake in some kind of experiment – that not one of you seems to be able to explain to me – all because she got it into her head that she could somehow 'save' the Longbottoms."
"Yes, my Lord," Rudolphus said, inclining his head deeply before meeting his eyes. "And she did. Both Longbottoms have awakened from their fugue states."
"Do I look as if I care about the bloody Longbottoms right now?" Tom snapped back angrily. "What happened to Holly? And why are we standing out here?"
He glared at them as they exchanged looks until Severus finally took it upon himself to try and answer, "Simon Turner – Holly's friend -"
"The empath, I remember." Tom motioned him on impatiently, growing even more frustrated when that prompted another round of exchanged looks.
"My Lord…" Rabastan started, but then the door to the infirmary was pushed open and Simon Turner and presumably his mother slipped out.
The woman raised her hand to halt their questions. "Please just give us another moment. We will answer your questions in a minute."
The two Muggles turned towards the door without waiting for a reply and linked hands. A moment later, the same soft blue glow he had seen Simon produce at their wedding started to emanate from them, weaving a misty net over the door and the surrounding area. When they were done, they took several steps back.
"We created a shield of positive feelings to protect Holly, but we still shouldn't stay for much longer. Our emotions lie too close to the surface and what Holly needs right now is quiet," the woman explained then met Tom's eyes and offered him her hand with a soft smile. "I'm Sarah Turner, and you must be the man Holly married."
"I must be," Tom replied, keeping a hold of her hand after shaking it. "And now let me ask, one last time, what the hell is going on."
"Of course, Mr. Riddle," Sarah answered, seeming not in the least disconcerted by his too tight grip on her hand and indeed reaching out to pat his hand with her free one. "But let me start at the beginning: As you know my son is an empath. So am I and so is Holly."
His brain short-circuited at that revelation, he was almost sure, and he only listened with half an ear to her explanation of how she often used her empathy to help her patients and how they had employed a similar method to push through to Frank Longbottom on an emotional level; how everything had gone almost surprisingly well, better than they could have hoped; how Frank Longbottom had, after fifteen years, come back from the edge of insanity and near death only to ask after his wife, which had led to Holly insisting on doing the same for her. How that had been too much, even for someone as strong and resilient as his little wife.
He heard all that, but his mind remained stuck on her first revelation. Holly was an empath. Another secret she had kept from him. Of course. Was that why he felt so drawn to her? Why he had been bending over backwards to make her feel safe and at home here? Why he had started to like her, more than he had ever expected?
"Holly didn't manipulate you – that's not how it works," Simon suddenly spoke up, staring at him reproachfully.
"Yes, perhaps that is a point I should clarify," Sarah intervened again with a mildly chiding side-glance at her son. "As I said empaths can project emotions, but I like to think of it as offering a blanket when someone is cold: You might accept or reject it, but whatever you decide it will always be just a blanket and it will not change who you are as a person. Your feelings will always be your own."
"And right now they're hurting Holly," Simon added. "Her shields are down; she already has to process all the emotions she was exposed to from the Longbottoms and you are adding on to that with your anger and suspicion and worry."
"Do you want to know what I feel, Mr. Turner? I feel that none of this would have been a problem if the lot of you had not allowed Holly to risk her life and compromise her health," Tom retorted, continuing before Simon could raise an objection. "And yes, I'm well aware of just how stubborn she can be as well as her disproportionate tendency towards selflessness, but I'm counting four adults here, three of which I have specifically charged with keeping her safe and I frankly do not see why you, Dr. Turner, as a licensed professional, needed to involve her in this at all when by your own account you have successfully used this method in the past and that without needing a second empath to assist you."
"I understand your frustration and truthfully that had been my hope as well," Sarah answered with a soft sigh, the only one who still seemed calm and composed and entirely unaffected by his rage. "I had hoped to limit her involvement to a very minimum, but when we entered the first memory it immediately became clear that Holly was the only one who could read those emotions. I'm unsure if that is on account of her having magic or of her being a stronger, albeit untrained, empath."
She shrugged apologetically, then smiled comfortingly at the Lestranges, who had grown even paler at her words. "Holly is incredibly strong and she will recover from this as well."
"When we left St. Mungo's…" Rabastan broke off, shaking his head. "Is there nothing we can do? Anything?"
"Just give her time and let her rest," she replied gently, making to say something else when there was a sound from the end of the corridor and Holly's godfather fairly stormed around the corner.
"Where is Holly?" he demanded, shouted, still from several feet away.
"Black, what are you doing here?" Tom demanded, stepping into his way.
"Dobby came to get me. He said Holly was hurt," Black explained impatiently. "I swear if you did something to her…"
He broke off, obviously not quite decided yet on where to go to with that threat, and Tom didn't bother to hide his eyeroll. "I'm afraid you came a little too late for the full explanation, but I can assure you that this has all been her own doing."
"Did you know that Holly is an empath, Black?" Severus intervened before Black could continue his ridiculous posturing.
There was a flash of surprise, but Black masked it quickly, returning to his first question. "Where is she? Is she in there?"
"Yes, but she needs quiet," Sarah explained gently. "I'm afraid even all your love and worry would feel like a painful assault on her right now."
"But… How about this?" Black suggested, shaking out his shoulders and smoothly transforming into his Animagus form.
He whined a question and the two empaths started to smile, Simon nodding eagerly. "I'm sure she will be glad for your company."
He went to the door and opened it for the Animagus, firmly closing it again once Black had slipped inside.
"Yes, I think having her godfather with her will help immensely," Sarah declared after a moment when both empaths had closed their eyes as if listening – feeling – intently for any indication from inside the infirmary. "But for us it is time to leave. Could I trouble you to take us back home?"
"Of course," Rudolphus agreed, but then cast Tom a look for his approval. "Unless you still have questions for them, my Lord?"
Tom waved them off because while he still had questions, those would have to wait until he could talk with his little wife. Rudolphus and Rabastan motioned the two Muggles to follow them back down to the Apparition point, leaving Tom alone in the hallway with Severus.
"If there is nothing you can contribute, I suggest for you to get out of my sight, Severus," Tom commented idly as he conjured up an armchair for himself to settle in to wait.
"Of course, my Lord," the Potions Master wisely agreed, bowing deeply, and then swiftly retreated into his quarters.
Tom positioned the armchair so that he had a good view of the door before he sank into it, just barely stopping himself from burying his head in his hands. He half wished that he hadn't sent Severus away because he would have dearly liked to vent his rage on someone, release some of the broiling dark anger that was stirring his magic into a whipping storm. But even without Simon's pointed warning, he was by now well aware of how much damage he could inflict on Holly with his anger, with any negative emotion, and as displeased as he was about the stunt she had pulled today, the last thing he wanted was to cause her more pain.
And apparently, his reasons for that were entirely his own, which was less of a relief than it should have been. He had found it easy enough to admit, at least to himself, that he held more than just passing affection for his little wife, that he had grown undeniably fond of her and looked forward to every minute they could spend together, when he could blame all that on outside forces in the same thought process. It was a different story without that ready excuse. But thankfully that wasn't anything he could think about right then.
So instead he absently twirled his wand between his fingers as he reinforced his Occlumency shields and tried to calm his emotions to a hopefully non-harmful level. And waited.
§*§*§*§*§
It was going on midnight when the door finally opened, Black pushing first his snout, then the rest of his doggy form through the small opening. He gave a very human-sounding huff when he saw Tom still waiting in the corridor, trotting towards him and then shaking off his pelt when he had almost reached him.
"You're still here," he commented, sounding unimpressed and looking exhausted. "I thought I'd have to try and find you."
"How is she?" Tom demanded.
Black sighed, running a hand through his hair. "A little better, I think, but there're too many people here and she doesn't feel safe. I want to take her home with me."
He said it like a challenge, clearly rearing for an argument that Tom didn't want to partake it. "I'm going to talk to her first."
"Haven't you been paying attention?" Black snapped angrily, blocking his path. "She can't talk to anyone right now."
"Maybe you haven't been paying attention: She is my wife and you are not taking her out of this castle before I've at least seen her," Tom gave back, only the hours he had spent meditating himself into a peaceful mindset and the thought of Holly keeping him from losing his temper.
He moved past the Animagus, who immediately dogged his step, pushing past him when Tom hesitated a short way into the semi-darkness of the room to try and orient himself. The overhead lights had been turned off, but there was a candlestick lit on one of the small bedside tables and a suspiciously Holly-sized mount of blankets in the closest bed.
He approached carefully, ignoring the massive black canine that had spread out on the bed next to his wife again. Holly's eyes were open, wide open, her pupils blown and the usually vibrant colour of her irises muted to a murky green. She didn't even blink when he sank into the visitor's chair, seemed unable to focus even with him this close. Her eyes were the most striking, most unsettling thing, but as he looked at her, he was also shocked by the extreme pallor of her face, the dark shadows under her eyes and her sunken cheeks that gave her a wraith-like appearance. She was trembling, her hands clenched into the duvet as if only that grip was keeping her from shaking apart.
"Oh, Holly," Tom murmured, making to reach out to her, but halting when Black gave a warning growl, his flews drawn back to reveal his impressive set of teeth. Holly's trembles intensified into seismic quaking, her breathing becoming even more panicked and choppy and her eyes still staring unseeingly ahead.
He withdrew his hand, curling it into a fist where neither Black nor Holly could see. "You may take her with you, Black, but you will keep me informed about any changes and if she is not feeling well enough to return here by this weekend, I will come by for a visit. And if I find out that you've allowed Dumbledore anywhere near her, I will not be amused. Are we understood?"
Black huffed, almost certainly rolling his eyes though it was hard to make out in the semi-darkness, but then gave a clear nod before snuffling his nose back into Holly's wild hair.
Tom held back a sigh, wishing he could at least squeeze her hand or lightly kiss her forehead, but realizing that Black's warning had been well placed, after all. "There's a study two doors down to the left that has a Floo-connected fireplace. I'll mark the door for you."
He got up, but paused again after a few steps, turning back around and crouching down next to Holly. §You can probably feel that I'm not very happy with you at the moment, but I hope you can also feel how urgently I want you to get better. So do that, little kitten, and I'll be waiting for you.§
Holly gave no indication that she had heard him, expect for her hands spasming around the bedspread, and he left reluctantly but without further delay, leaving his young wife in her godfather's care.
§*§*§*§*§
Holly returned to the castle Friday in the late afternoon, much sooner than Tom had dared to hope from Black's unwilling and on the whole uninformative updates. She slipped into their quarters and froze when she saw him, closing her eyes for a few long moments and taking several deep breaths before she looked up again with a tentative smile.
"Hi, Tom," she said, stepping a little further into the room.
"Holly, welcome back," Tom replied, rising to his feet, but judging that it was better to let her come to him, if she so chose. "How are you feeling?"
"You're surprised. Annoyed, not with me, I don't think, with something you read. Angry. Worried. Annoyed again," she said, cocking her head slightly. "With me."
"That's not what I asked, Holly. Are you feeling better?" Tom clarified, studying her carefully. She still looked pale and sickly, hatefully fragile and lost as if she didn't quite recognize her surroundings.
"I still can't build up my shields," she said, wrapping her arms protectively around herself. "I can't… It's hard enough to deal with everyone else's feelings, please don't ask me to analyse my own."
"Okay," Tom said, as gently as possible, a little relieved when she finally sat down. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Remus and Sirius worry too much," Holly mumbled, curling into herself, but peering at him over her updrawn knees. "You worry too, but mostly you're angry."
"I am angry – at the situation," Tom admitted. "And I'm not happy with your decisions that led us to this point. Is that something you're ready to discuss?"
"Might as well." Holly gave a minute shrug, looking so small and miserable that he almost thought better of it. But Holly had already braced herself and maybe it was best to at least try to clear the air so that she could start to relax again.
"You left the castle without telling me and you put yourself in danger," he thus stated. He sank down on the sofa next to her, leaving enough space between them so that she wouldn't feel crowded.
"Neville's parents were dying. And you agreed that I could see my friends if they needed me," she protested.
"I think the wording was that they could come and visit you in case of an emergency – but let's not get stuck on these details," Tom corrected her. "Holly, did you take even one moment to consider the consequences of your actions before you decided to risk your life?"
"It wasn't that dangerous," Holly muttered with a roll of her eyes, but then flinched violently, away from his anger, tears springing into her expressive eyes as she gave a small, breathless whimper.
"Holly!" Tom exclaimed, making to reach out to her, but desisting immediately when she shied back and pressed herself into the corner of the sofa. §Fuck! Fucking waste product of a diarrhoeic Hippogriff!§
Holly had buried her face against her knees so that only her tousled black hair remained visible and their furniture and the window panes were vibrating in soft consonance with her trembles, her hitching breaths, her fluctuating accidental magic.
When she finally calmed down and carefully peeked up at him again, she looked even paler than before and her eyes were clouded with pain. "Are you still going to maintain that you're just fine?" he demanded, trying very hard to rein in his emotions.
"I never said that," she whispered, shaking her head. "And I'm sorry I made you angry, but Neville's parents were going to die. And now they're doing so much better. Neville wrote to me and told me that they might be released from the hospital as early as next week, that they're awake and responsive and finally recognize him as their son. Isn't that worth it?"
She looked pleadingly at him and Tom couldn't contain his snort. "I'm not Dumbledore, Holly, I'm not going to congratulate you on nearly dying and then act surprised when you do the same thing over and over again. I want you to place the same value on your own life as you do on everyone else's and to impress that upon you I think you need to learn that there're consequences to your decisions."
"What consequences?" Holly demanded and he didn't like the wary mistrust in her eyes.
"I think rescinding your Floo privileges for a week should give you ample time to heal and do some introspection," Tom declared, surprised when her expression shuttered.
"So I am a prisoner after all."
"Please don't be melodramatic, Holly. This is not about you running off. It's about your lack of self-preservation and your foolish insistence on putting your life in danger. I hardly think limiting your Floo privileges is too harsh a consequence for that."
"And what are you going to take away the next time I do something that displeases you?" Holly demanded. "Are you going to forbid me from receiving and writing letters, too? Or say that I can't go to the gardens anymore? Or start crowding into my space again and ignoring it when I close the bathroom door?
"If all these things are subject to your approval, then they're not privileges, much less freedoms; they're just your leverage on me."
There were a number of comebacks on the tip of his tongue, from flippant to belligerent, but frankly Holly didn't look like she could take any of them. She had turned away from him, curled up into a tight ball of misery, fine tremors running through her slender form. Normally, she was such a little spitfire, an endless well of witty rejoinders and surprising insights, more than happy to argue her opinions and give contra when she didn't agree with his assessments, which was often.
But she wasn't arguing now, not really. He had thought that taking away her Floo privileges for one single week – especially as he doubted she was up to much company at the moment – was a very reasonable and hardly excessive measure, but looking at Holly he might as well have threatened to lock her in the dungeons and throw away the key. And what could she really do about it, if that had been the case? He bit back a sigh.
"Okay, Holly. Okay."
"Okay what?" Holly whispered, not quite meeting his eyes.
"Okay, I take your point: You're not my prisoner. You're my wife and it was a misjudgement on my part to assume that it fell to me to discipline you. It doesn't," Tom explained.
He could see the stark relief in her eyes, though he probably imagined the warm feeling of gratitude in his own chest when she gave up her defensive position and moved into his arms, breathing a soft kiss against his cheek. "Thank you, Tom."
"I still maintain that your good intentions and your admittedly impressive track record should not serve as excuses for you to disregard your own safety," he warned her gently, rubbing her back.
"Sirius and Remus already gave me that talk," Holly mumbled.
Tom chuffed out a laugh, carding his fingers slowly through her wild hair as she rested her head against his shoulder. "So you're thinking I should just save my breath and assume you learned your lesson?"
"Probably," Holly offered softly. "I don't think we'll ever agree on what would have been the right thing to do."
"Maybe not," Tom admitted. "But perhaps you could at least agree to discuss things with me beforehand. I did not appreciate coming home to find you missing, kitten, and the message you left with Nagini could hardly be termed such."
"And you would have allowed me to do this?" Holly asked with open scepticism.
"I would have argued against it, certainly, but I think we've just established that it's not up to me to allow you to do anything," Tom replied, rolling his eyes at her pleased little smirk. "I was worried about you, Holly."
"I know," she replied softly. "It feels horrible, all the worry I have caused, and I am really sorry about that."
Tom sighed, very aware that Holly had not actually made any promises, but then felt a smirk of his own twitching at his lips.
"What is it?" Holly asked, twisting around to look up at him, her brows drawn together in question.
"It simply occurred to me that since you feel so bad about all this, you will certainly want to make it up to me," Tom declared, laughing at the expression on her face. "Unless of course you didn't really mean it."
"Of course I meant it," Holly protested weakly.
"Then I look forward to how you will make your amends," Tom declared, carefully pulling her a little more snugly into his arms. "And by the way, this is an excellent start."
She peered up at him suspiciously for a few moments, but then sighed and relaxed fully into his hold, resting her cheek back against his shoulder and laying her fine-boned hand on his chest. "You're not angry at me anymore."
"No, kitten," he murmured softly, pressing a light kiss onto her forehead and caressing over her fingers. "Will you be able to build up your shields again?"
Holly nodded, then sighed softly. "I have to work through the rest of these emotions before I can do that, though. Sarah said that I should probably leave them down for another week or two, but that's… No."
"Is there anything we can do to make you feel better in the meantime?" Tom asked carefully, rubbing her back soothingly when she shuddered.
"At Hogwarts I like to go riding with the unicorns if the emotions get too much," Holly offered after a short hesitation. "There're unicorns in the forest here, too. I've seen them before."
"From the safe distance of a window, I hope," Tom replied, breathing a sigh of relief when she nodded. "There're many creatures and things much more dangerous than unicorns in that forest, Holly. I would not feel comfortable if you went out there by yourself."
"But maybe someone could come with me?" she pleaded.
"Do you think the unicorns would tolerate the presence of any of my Death Eaters?" Tom asked carefully, suspecting he already knew the answer, but still curious to hear her assessment.
Holly thought for a long moment, probably running through the roster of his followers. "I think they would be okay with Narcissa. Could we ask her?"
"I'll see if we can set something up for tomorrow, shall I?" Tom promised and Holly beamed up at him, nodding eagerly. "I think we should try to keep the information about your empathy confined to as small a circle as possible, but that being said I would not advise against it if you wished to confide in Narcissa and Lucius."
Holly huffed, rolling her eyes at him. "You could just say that you trust them, you know?"
"It's not about whom I trust, kitten," Tom replied gently. "And I was under the impression that you had not told many people about this before."
"I never told anyone. Simon and Sarah just knew," she replied.
"May I ask why you have kept it a secret?" Tom asked, at bit surprised at her revelation.
"It never seemed like something to talk about," she said, shrugging her slight shoulders. "Like a medical condition. And I don't think it makes much of a difference, honestly. Mostly it's just very annoying, like someone constantly breathing down your neck."
He studied her carefully, wondering if she was being deliberately obtuse. "Holly, your magic is tied to your emotions. I would be very surprised if this didn't add to your already tremendous potential."
"But I've always been an empath. So maybe that means I'm just a very mediocre witch with one hell of an amplifier," Holly gave back with another shrug.
"Oh, I doubt that, little kitten, I doubt that very much," Tom replied with amusement, dropping another kiss onto her head. "Your magic is the brightest beacon of pure energy I have ever encountered and I find everything about it and you endlessly fascinating. I look forward to finding out whatever remarkable talents you might still be hiding from me."
"You make that sound like a threat," Holly muttered, but evidently felt no need to move from her comfortable spot next to him.
Tom laughed, resuming his stroking of her hair as she closed her eyes and seemed to doze off. He watched her for a little while, but eventually turned back to the various reports from his various Death Eaters he had been reading before her return.