Sara's silent tears fell on her pillow. She'd been in this state for the past hour. Her crying didn't make a sound, but it was very visible from where her wife was sitting, trying to make her feel better in any possible way. She was giving her a foot massage at that moment. It was helping ease the ache in her body but wasn't doing much to release the stress. She rested on her side and wept.
Bad wok days; everyone had them, right? Tegan knew she had been dealing with bad work days since she started working, but she was trying her best to survive the torture this career was bringing her. For the most part, it was sucking the energy out of her, killing her vigor. The babies in her womb added to the fatigue and exhaustion as well. She had been thinking of quitting lately, but couldn't get herself to do it. She knew why she couldn't get herself to do it but she didn't want to admit that to anybody but herself; she didn't want people to think she's incapable of managing a job and motherhood. She was not yet a mother, but the pregnancy was already draining her.
Working in education and academics had its benefits and its negative aspects. She thought it was a good job till she tried it. So much was required from her. She had to work at home and work at school. She had to spend the weekends working. It was mostly a 24/7 type of job even though she left at three while people who had an office job returned at five. She knew by now that those two hours did not matter and that she didn't mind working from nine to five anymore, at least she would get back home not having to work.
What made it seem more insufferable was the amount of stress her wife was putting herself through to get everything to work well for everyone. She received extra classes because some professor gave birth a week ago. Sara now worked more than she was supposed to and was still paid the same. She tried to reason, she tried to get a better salary but nobody listened. She couldn't afford leaving her job in that particular moment because she was expecting two babies. Therefore, Sara cried every day after she returned home at five. They promised her a better salary when contracts would be renewed but she didn't believe them because she had been working in that institution for too long to take their bullshit. Some of her friends at work made her feel even sorrier for herself. Some thought she was an idiot for accepting the extra load, some thought she should quit and show the university a piece of what they deserved, while some people just filled her head with words like, "I feel bad for you," "How are you gonna manage?" and "Shit, they treat you like a robot." She had had enough with those words so, mostly, she spent her days not socializing with anybody. She sat in her office, did her work, taught when she had classes, and cried at home.
Tegan made her feel better and that proved to her she had chosen the right person to marry. Tegan filled her ears with words like, "It's going to be okay," "All your work will pay off," "Consider it as charity," and "Nobody's hard work goes to waste, Sara. I promise you." Tegan also tried her best to help her at home. They finally got a maid because Sara couldn't clean the house by herself anymore; she was always tired or busy. The maid visited twice a week; Sundays in the morning and Wednesdays after Tegan was back from work. Tegan tried to cook, too. She was still a terrible cook.
"Sasa," Tegan called sweetly. Her melodic tone made Sara smile through tears. "Sasa, babe, stop crying." Her voice was gentle and her hands were soothing and soft against her skin. "I should be the one getting the foot massage, just saying, eh?" Sara turned around to face her wife. "Pregnant lady over here." Sara's teeth finally showed.
"You're starting to sound Canadian," Sara commented.
"I'm gonna be a Canadian soon, so yup. I'm working on the accent."
"I don't have an accent." Sara moaned when Tegan hit a tender spot. "Right here."
"You do," Tegan said. "You don't notice it because you're used to it."
"I'll give you a foot and a boob massage after."
"Nah, leave my boobs alone. Just rest." Tegan sighed. The bags under her eyes were thickening day after day. Sara couldn't see any pregnancy glow on her wife yet. The morning sickness finally stopped a week ago, but Tegan was still pale. Pale and swollen, that's what fit best. Sara still thought she was beautiful. "Christmas break is almost here. We'll finally have some time off. Sleep a little. Spend some time together."
"Yeah. I wanna spend time with you like we agreed."
They had made an arrangement a few weeks ago; each should give the other's taste of music, movies, and series a chance. They thought they needed to spend time together doing what they both loved. They discovered that both of them loved 90's music, 90's movies, and 90's shows. Sara was also surprised that her lover was growing fond of her 80's playlist. Sara tried to give Tegan's taste of indie music a chance. She only liked a few songs from Brand New and Death Cab for Cutie, but she loved to listen to Sharon Van Etten, Stars, and Bon Iver. She also loved Lorde and Pink.
Sara took a nap; Tegan was left alone once again like every day. Weekdays were just horrible. Sara's naps were too long. If Sara wasn't napping, it was her. On the other hand, they had finally managed to organize a sensible timetable of activities. They agreed on the following during weekdays: dinner together, then both would rest (napping, or just chilling together; chatting or watching TV), after that they'd drink hot chocolate and work in their living room, in the evening they'd spend time together to bond, at night they'd have sex before they fell asleep. They agreed that they needed to have sex at least four days a week. Since Tegan's libido had been sparkling with hunger lately, they managed to have sex almost every night before they went to bed. During the weekends they agreed to visit their friends or go out. They agreed that they both needed to call their mothers and they needed to spend extra time together doing what both loved at the same time. They didn't spend so much time apart; it was good for both of them since they already had to spend some time on their own at work. Plus, they truly needed to get to know one another a bit better.
As for their friends, Sara and Tegan were playing Dr. Phil. Stacy and Emy couldn't get along most of the time. When they tried to talk about what had happened that night, they ended up arguing about the bill in the restaurant they were in. Sara had to drive there and pay it. When they tried to talk it out again, they argued who was the worst character on Friends. While Emy insisted without any doubt it was Ross Geller, Stacy tried her best to prove that it was actually Joey. Emy took offense and soon started yelling; forgetting why both of them had met in Sara's place that evening. Tegan forced Stacy to leave the place and calmed down her friend after.
Emy and Stacy just did not get along.
They agreed on meeting up to talk it out again, this time at Emy's place. It was supposed to happen in two days. Tegan knew some silly argument about something immensely irrelevant was going to occur. Tegan and Sara both volunteered to babysit Ella, but Stacy refused. 'If she wants to be with me, she has to deal with my burdens,' Stacy stated.
Once Sara woke up, Tegan walked downstairs to prepare their daily hot chocolate. Sara followed after a minute.
"We actually do need to get a mini fridge up there, you know," Sara remarked with a yawn.
"Yes," Tegan agreed. "But we still can't really prepare much up there."
"I know, but it would make it easier. Like, we need to get another coffee machine up there, a mini bar and a mini fridge. What do you think? We have some extra space near the window."
"It's a good idea," Tegan said, licking the remains of whipped cream off her index. "But I don't want the view to be blocked."
"It won't. I'm thinking about the corner?"
"Hmm," Tegan said, but Sara didn't know if she was humming because of the taste of the drink in her mouth or because she agreed. Sara took a sip, she hummed, too.
"That's fucking good."
"Melted some actual chocolate in there."
"Tee, I kinda…gained weight." While Sara worked hard to make her lover eat well, she joined her without noticing it, which added some extra pounds to her body.
"It's hot." Tegan winked. Sara groaned. "Shut up and drink, Sas."
"Fine." Sara scowled jokingly.
They both went upstairs. Sara looked at the window, imagining her small plan in her head. It would make things easier for both of them if they could reach some snacks and drinks right away without having to go downstairs. Sara had been thinking of baby-proofing the house and she knew she had to find a way to make the stairs invisible or unreachable to her babies once they start to crawl. She felt giddy thinking about it. She glanced at her lover's swollen tummy then looked back at the window, taking one sip after the other of her hot drink.
They worked together as the television played a soft tune of some rock song Tegan was listening to in the background. It was hard for Sara to concentrate at first, but soon enough she found herself humming along to the song.
"You know what I hate about Intro to Literature classes?" Sara asked rhetorically. Tegan looked up from her laptop at the older woman sitting on the lounge chair opposite to hers. "Is that those freshmen fuckers have taken all that in high school and yet they act as if I'm talking nonsense when we analyze in class."
Tegan laughed. "Well, you know how the system is. People don't go that deep with analysis in high school." Tegan stretched. "And no offence, Sara, but you kinda go overboard with your analysis. You fuck their brains basically."
"Like I fucked yours?" Sara winked.
"That's not the only thing you fucked." Tegan sighed.
"Proudly."
They had sex before they went to sleep. It was quick, but it was relaxing. In the morning, they both took turns to shower.
Tegan stood in front of the mirror after her shower. She lowered the towel to her waist and stared at her chest for too long as she dried her hair and applied some touches of makeup. Her body was already changing. Her belly was big, bigger than she had ever seen on herself. Everything seemed a little bit swollen, even her shoulders seemed broader, her nose wider, and her wrists bigger. She noticed the tiniest changes. She huffed, not wanting to cry. She could always diet after giving birth. She could always get back to the way she was before.
Sara left the shower and asked Tegan for her towel. Tegan handed her the white material. Once the professor stepped out of the tub, she stared at her wife in the mirror. Tegan was applying concealer under her eyes. They glanced at each other before Sara spoke, "You're okay?"
"Yeah," Tegan whispered. "It's just that…I just noticed the changes."
"Yeah, it's normal." Sara smiled. "Everything will get back to the way it had been before."
"Really?" Tegan looked at her lover. Sara nodded. "But, umm, my nipples, why are they getting big?" She looked down at her breasts. "It's not just my boobs but, like, look, they're more, umm, you know…"
"Yeah, it's very normal. Before you give birth they'll look like an omelet with a bullet in the middle."
"Ewww," Tegan exclaimed. "What the hell?"
"You need to look up some pictures of lactating nipples, hun."
"Oh, God." She looked back in the mirror at her chest. "But…did yours get big?"
"Yeah." Sara laughed. "I mean, come on, you can notice that they're a bit, you know, bigger than yours. Like my areola is bigger and my nipples are kinda more prominent?"
"That's because of the pregnancy?"
"Yeah." Sara shrugged, standing next to her wife, beginning to brush her hair. "My nipples were very small before."
"But you said everything will get back to the way it was." Tegan gasped. "You didn't even…breastfeed and it didn't get back for you, what will happen to me?"
"It will get back, just not exactly one hundred percent the way it looked before you were pregnant." Sara grabbed the concealer to use underneath her eyes. She was glad they shared the same skin tone, that way she didn't have to get one for her; she always used Tegan's makeup instead. She didn't know anything about makeup so Tegan was a help in that department. "Your body is changing. Change is good and nice, accept it."
"Ugh." Tegan cursed under her breath.
Sara finished her classes at three. She felt exhausted and tired. She had to go to her office and sit there to do some paperwork for a couple more hours. Tegan wasn't going to be home once she returned; she was meeting her friends. Even though she had already checked up on her three times during the day, she decided to give her a call as she sat in her office and drank her coffee.
"What's up, babe?"
"Nothing." Tegan huffed. "I'm waiting for my fucking Uber."
"Why are you angry?"
"I'm not." Tegan sighed. "I'm tired." She sighed again. "Sara, what the hell? Some teachers told me today that my body will never get back to the way it was before and I'll get permanent stretch marks on my fucking stomach. You lied."
"God." Sara rolled her eyes. "Don't believe them. They just didn't take care of their body during pregnancy. We're taking care of yours." Sara smiled at the woman who just entered her office. "Plus, look at my body. It doesn't have any of that."
"You do have stretch marks though," Tegan pointed out. Sara remained quiet, gesturing for the friend to sit down. "On your ass."
"You do, too," Sara remarked, chuckling. "Tegan, what's your point?"
"Nothing, I'm just pissed. Bye." Tegan hung up.
"Mood swings," Sara blurted out with a forced smile. "Hi, Dana."
"Hiiii," Dana's half smile revealed some hesitancy. "Is it a bad time?"
"No, no." Sara chuckled. "It isn't. Sit down."
"Alright." The friend sat down. "What's up, Prof Clement?"
Sara chuckled once again, rubbing her forehead with two fingers.
"You've been MIA lately." Sara nodded. "Everything's okay?"
"It is," Sara answered. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. I just came here to see what's wrong because you never talk."
"Nothing really." Sara sighed. She took a sip of her coffee then wiped her mouth. "Work is killing me, Dana. It's literally destroying me. I don't have time to do anything and I'm not making much, anyway."
"Whoa." Dana furrowed her brows. Her elbows rested against the desk and her body got closer in full attention. "You loved your job, Sara."
"Yes, I loved teaching. I never loved being a Dean." She huffed. "And the new classes they gave me because of fucking Angela."
Dana nodded. Sara looked down at her cup as she wondered if her friend could tell she was jealous. Tegan was able to tell right away, but that's because Tegan knew her well. Why would she be jealous anyway? She was going to have a baby, too.
"I know the new load of work is atrocious but it's killing all of us, Sara," Dana said. A hand touched Sara's shaking one, adding warmth with a squeeze. "I'm taking one of her classes, too. Jack is taking two of her classes."
Jack, God, she almost forgot he worked where she did. She almost forgot his office was right next to hers. She almost forgot he existed. She hadn't seen him in awhile. The last time was more than three weeks before. She was getting inside her office and he was leaving. They smiled at each other politely and departed within seconds.
"I know." She nodded. Nobody could understand her situation because they weren't in her shoes. She knew for a fact Jack was paid more than her just because he was a man. She was doing twice the work everyone was doing. She was teaching and was doing regular office work just because of her position. She deserved to be paid more. When she got promoted, her salary didn't increase but she was promised it would be after three months. Three months later, her salary remained the same.
"And, I'm sorry about saying this, but Sara you are one of the most highly paid professors in our department."
"I know that, too." Sara sighed. "Dana, Tegan is pregnant."
The news made her friend's eyes widen. "Seriously?" she screamed. "For real?" Sara nodded with laughter. "Why didn't you say so?" Before Sara could speak, her friend interrupted, "I mean, I know…what I meant is, how far along?"
"Almost seventeen weeks." Sara bit her lower lip. "It's too early to be excited but I never thought it would…last this long before another miscarriage and now I'm just…"
"Worried," her friend interrupted.
"Yup."
"Don't be," Dana said. "Just be happy for now and relax."
"I really can't." Dana didn't know. She didn't know about Sara's past. She knew bits and pieces but not everything. "She's bearing twins."
"Wow," Dana exclaimed. "Sara, I'm so happy for you."
"I keep overthinking it. If I it's not about miscarriage, it's about not being able to financially aid my family."
"Don't say that."
"I can't, Dana. She had one and I had one before and…it feels like it's a pattern."
"You've had one before?" Dana asked with a low voice.
"Yeah. With Jack." Sara sighed. "A long time ago."
"I'm sorry." Sara nodded.
"Isn't she working, too?"
"Yeah, but I know that if she doesn't quit soon, she won't go back next year."
"Why?" It's not that she didn't have faith in her wife; it's just that those were her wife's words the previous week. Tegan wanted to leave her job and Sara wanted to threaten her employers to leave if they wouldn't give her a raise or at least lessen her classes. She just wanted to rest and summer break felt far away. She hadn't enjoyed the previous one much because of what had happened with Tegan in July. After that, the break went like a blur.
"Because that's what she said," Sara admitted.
Dana didn't know what else she could say. That's why Sara hated talking to people. That's why she hid. They didn't know what to say. Not even Stacy was able to comfort her. Only Tegan did. Only Tegan understood.
Meanwhile, Tegan sat on the kitchen counter as her friend grilled some chicken breasts in the pan. She picked some fries from the plate next to her as the sound and smell of the sizzling chicken made her mouth water. Jeremy added another pan on the stove. That one was for the vegetables Tegan had chopped before.
"If Emy doesn't come here on time we're eating on our own, okay?" Tegan said.
Jeremy looked up at her with a smile. "Remember months ago when I begged you to eat?"
"Ha, funny." Tegan stuffed more french-fries in her mouth and continued, "I didn't have two people inside me back then." Jeremy's eyes directly shifted down to her belly and seconds later he was looking at her face again. "Weird, huh?"
"How does it even feel?" He seasoned the chicken, making Tegan's stomach growl in hunger. "Whoa, somebody's hungry."
"Yeah. I am." Tegan rubbed her stomach. "It feels weird. I mean if they weren't two, I'd be much smaller than this but I look like I'm in my 26th week not 16th."
"Yeah." Jeremy nodded. He added some salt to the vegetables. "Though, you do look beautiful."
"Thank you," Tegan answered. "Isn't Denise coming?"
"She works till five today." Jeremy sighed. "I was just lucky to get off work early."
"Is there something you might wanna talk about?"
Jeremy looked up, hesitancy a clear picture on his features. He shrugged then looked down at the food.
"Jeremy?" Tegan asked again. "What's going on?"
"I don't know, Tee. It's just…" He sighed. He looked at his friend again. "I think I'm falling for her."
"Wait, seriously?" Her eyes widened as she chewed. "That's good, right?"
"I'm not sure if she shares the same feelings."
"Oh." Tegan took a minute to ponder Jeremy's words in her mind. She took a sip of water then asked, "How can you tell? Maybe she does. Did she give you any indication she doesn't love you?"
"Yes!" Jeremy walked to the fridge and grabbed a can of beer for himself. "Whenever I talk to her about moving in, she says it's too early."
"Oh." Tegan didn't know how these things worked. She didn't know when it was too early and when it wasn't. The only relationship she had ever had was with Sara. When she moved in with Sara, it was, in fact, way too early but she was young and naïve. When she moved in a second time, it was because she loved Sara way too much to stay with Jeremy when they weren't together. She only moved in with Jeremy because she didn't want to stay in her dorm nor with Emy when she was already cheating on her. She really didn't know when people were supposed to have these conversations. She barely knew anything about relationships. Her knowledge was based on stories she had read, watched on TV, or heard from Sara. She couldn't offer much help.
"When I asked her to join us for dinner today she didn't want to. She said she'd like to go home and rest, and then she'll visit later when you guys go back home."
"Seriously?" Mouth agape, Tegan looked at her friend with disbelief. "Why? She always joined our visits and parties."
"Exactly!" Jeremy took a chug from his beer then continued, "It's basically almost five, anyway. She can come here in time, but I guess she just wants to be alone."
"Maybe she didn't wanna intrude? You know, wants us all friends to be together and chat?"
"That's what she said." Jeremy paused. He pursed his lips together then continued, "But it's giving me some negative vibes."
"That's just because you are in love with her. Now you're overthinking everything she does or says."
"What should I do?" Jeremy asked the wrong person about love; the person who only loved one woman her entire life; the person who didn't know how to express her feelings clearly; the person who barely understood love anyway. Tegan didn't know what to say. "Do you think I should tell her?" More questions. Tegan began to sweat.
"I honestly…don't know." Tegan looked down at her dangling feet. "I'm sorry, Jeremy, you're asking the wrong person. I'm not the one to ask when it comes to love."
Jeremy nodded. "I'm sorry," he apologized.
"No, I'm sorry." Tegan huffed. "Maybe Emy can help."
"Oh, please, Emy needs help herself."
Tegan's mind was suddenly alert. She looked up at her friend with questioning eyes. "Why? What do you know?"
"Nothing really. She has feelings for Stacy; she doesn't know how to basically make the move. I know as much as you do."
Tegan rolled her eyes. "Idiots both of them."
Sara went back to her house to take a long nap after her shower. She didn't even have dinner. She didn't call Tegan, too.
Emy arrived half an hour later. Tegan and Jeremy had already set the table; they were just waiting for their third friend.
"Sorry, I'm late," Emy said. "I wanted to change my clothes."
"What was wrong with your clothes?" Tegan asked. "You looked nice."
"Exactly." Emy joined her friends at the table. She sighed as she inspected the food closely. "I wanted something comfortable." She started putting food in her plate before her friends. "Because you fuckers don't deserve my full beauty."
Tegan rolled her eyes jokingly. Jeremy was already adding food to her plate. "Thanks, Jeremy. I can do it."
"It's fine, here." He gave her the plate back.
"Honey, he's not helping. He's just scared you'd put all the food in your plate and nobody will eat anything."
"It's fine, I made enough for the five of us," Jeremy said. Tegan smirked at Emy.
"Anyway," Emy said, "what was wrong with that student of yours?"
"Which one?" Tegan said with a full mouth.
"The one that was crying today? You were talking to her."
"Oh, yeah." Tegan nodded. "She broke up with her boyfriend." Tegan chuckled. "Said she couldn't study for the midterm and was asking if she could have a makeup."
"Oh, how nice." Emy sighed. "Seriously, they're so dumb. Do they think they'll last with the same people forever?"
"They don't know that," Jeremy commented. "You thought you'd stay with that guy you were dating when you were in grade nine, too."
"Eww." With a wrinkled nose, Emy took another bite of her food. "I can't believe my mouth touched his."
"We all have our regrets, dear Emy." Tegan winked. Emy's face froze. They looked at each other for a little while. That's when Tegan realized her words didn't come out right. "I didn't mean it that way," she whispered. "I mean…"
"It's fine." Emy shrugged. "I know I'm one of your regrets."
"No, no," Tegan shot. "I swear I didn't mean it that way. I was actually talking about me with that guy I used to like when I was a teenager."
"Which guy?" Jeremy asked. A curious smile appeared on his flushed face. Tegan didn't answer. She stared at her friend for a long time. Emy was checking her phone. "Which guy?" Jeremy asked again, trying to distract the two of them.
"Huh?" Tegan looked at her guy friend. "Just some guy. I told her about him a long time ago." She looked back at her friend, smiling at her phone. "Emy, leave your phone."
"Yes, no phones while eating."
"Yeah, yeah," Emy answered with an absentminded smile at her screen as her thumbs moved as fast as the passing wind.
"Who are you talking to?" Tegan asked, despite her knowing.
"Uh, no one," Emy said, putting her phone down. It wasn't only the smile that revealed the lie, her red ears and the sparkle in her eye helped, too.
"Yeah, right," Jeremy scoffed. "No one starts with an S…"
"And ends with a tacy?" Tegan continued, laughing.
"Shut up," Emy said with a squint. "Don't act childish. We're just talking."
"I don't get what's taking you too long," Tegan said. "Seriously, Emy, if you guys like each other, what's happening?"
"I don't know." Emy shrugged. "I'm waiting for her to, you know, make the move."
"Which move?" Jeremy asked. "You already slept together and went on dates."
"It was just that one time," Emy said. "The dates never ended well." She looked at her food for awhile. Tegan didn't want to say anything more. She and Sara had promised each other they weren't going to interfere further. "Anyway, she's coming over to my place tomorrow. I hope we'll actually get to talk this time before I get nervous and ruin it." Tegan looked up, mouth chewing slowly. "Yeah, I get nervous, surprise," Emy said in exasperation.
"No, it's just that…" She pondered whether she should speak or not. Well, the damage had already been done. "I think she's kinda…waiting for you to make the move, too."
"Huh?" Emy said. "How do you know?"
"She kinda told Sara?" Tegan bit on the jewelry beneath her lips, hoping she wasn't starting another problem. "I mean, she's a bit scared."
"Why?" Emy's alarmed voice didn't sound well. She put a hand on her phone.
Tegan took a deep breath before continuing, "We kinda told her you don't like being treated like a baby? Like, you don't like being spoiled and all that."
Emy huffed. "Tegan, just stop talking."
"I'm sorry. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yeah, yeah." Emy looked at her phone. "Just stop butting in our business."
"Jesus, relax," Jeremy said loudly. "It's what you wanted. You hated how you were treated that day."
Jeremy received a glare of death from his friend. Tegan wasn't looking at the two of them anymore. She couldn't care less about Emy at that moment. She wanted to go home.
Back home, when she arrived later, Sara was still asleep. She came inside to an empty house; dark, cold, and lonely. She climbed up the stairs and walked up to her room where the door was left partially open. She saw her wife sprawled on the mattress. She switched the lights on; the faint groan rang in her ears in the silence. She walked over to the foot of the bed slowly. She looked at her wife, peering over her shoulder to watch her face closely. Eyes were closed, face was red, brow was full of sweat.
"Sare?" she called softly. "You're sleeping, baby?" Sara groaned. Tegan chuckled. "It's only eight." No response. Tegan sat down on the edge of the mattress, hands over her wife's covered body. "Don't tell me you still haven't woken up from your nap." No response. Sara hadn't called nor checked on her at all; Sara had been napping since she came back home. "Shit, Sara, how are you gonna sleep tonight?" She shook her wife's body. "Wake up." Sara shifted but didn't open her eyes. "Wake up, babe." Sara finally faced her, eyes in slits. "What's going on?"
"I'm tired," Sara answered groggily. "My body's broken."
Tegan sighed. "What's going on with you?" she whispered, mostly to herself.
"I don't know," Sara answered. She attempted to sit up but gave up halfway, releasing a loud huff as an expression of anger and defeat. "Maybe it's just winter blues." The younger woman touched her hands. Comfort spread through her body, she closed her eyes to savor the moment. "How was your day?"
"Good." Tegan began kicking her red converse with her own feet. "Emy's being all weird about Stacy. So sensitive."
"That's why I didn't visit Stacy," Sara said, brushing a strand of hair away from her lover's eyes. "She's been all touchy about it."
"They were texting like all the time."
"I know." Sara chuckled. Her hands rested on the showing belly, rubbing in delight as she took in the view. She loved it. "You're good?"
"I am." Tegan smiled. "I could use a foot rub, though." Sara's soft laugh rang in her ears; the melodic tone relaxed her. She knew why Sara slept that long, why the house was cold, why the rooms were dark, why the windows were foggy; Sara felt lonely. She had known that feeling after their departure years ago. Soon, their house was going to be full and, for the first time, she realized that she wanted it to have more melodic voices, sonorous sounds, loud laughter, and even tumultuous cries. The emptiness of the spacious place had been increasing the emptiness in their chests. She couldn't wait.
"Well, come here." Sara scooted over for her wife to sit down next to her.
She gave her a foot massage, narrated stories about her day, massaged her breasts and even sang to her.
"Did you even eat a thing?" Tegan said with laughter. "You didn't." Her eyes were half closed as she slept upside down on the mattress with her wife hovering over her.
"I did," Sara said. "I made a cheese sandwich when I came home." Sara grabbed her own hair and pushed it back, ready to tie it if she found a hair tie. Her eyes searched but she couldn't place any nearby. She yawned, letting her hair fall. "We should sleep."
Again? Tegan thought. Her wife had been sleeping a lot lately, way more than her. It wasn't even normal.
"Mmmm." Tegan sat up. "Your skin is so red," she commented. "You have hot flashes."
"I know." Sara yawned again. "That's why I'm half naked and it's freezing."
"I know how that feels now. I've been getting them a lot lately."
"Yeah, they're common during pregnancy." Both rested their heads on their own pillows. "We should brush our teeth."
"I'm lazy." Tegan groaned. "And horny." She giggled.
"Me, too," Sara said. "Lazy and horny."
They looked at each other and it didn't take them long to start making out in bed. It also didn't take them long to push their hands in each other's underwear. It didn't take them long to find each other's clits and rub as their lips rubbed together. It was quick. It was simple. They fingered each other. They came after a few minutes. Tegan closed her eyes immediately.
"Tegan," Sara whispered, "go pee."
"No." She was already falling asleep.
"No, go pee."
"Shut up." Her mind was wandering off.
"You'll pee yourself," Sara said, stroking her wife's arms. "You have to pee."
"No, I don't have to."
"You always do after you come."
No response.
"Tee," Sara tried again. "You'll wet your pants and it'll be embarrassing." No response. Sara sighed. She, too, closed her eyes.
Sara was half right. Tegan woke up in the middle of the night and ran to the bathroom in the speed of light. Sara had already been up in bed. She laughed at her wife's rushed action. When Tegan came back, Sara's laughter arose.
"Shut up." Tegan rolled her eyes. "I didn't wet myself, okay?"
"Okay." Sara shook her head, still laughing.
Tegan was shivering, still naked. She grabbed her pajamas and began to dress herself. "It's not really funny." She yawned. "Why are you awake?"
"I can't sleep," Sara answered, her book in her hand.
"That's because of the nap you've taken today."
"Yeah," she mumbled.
In the morning, Tegan woke up by herself. Sara was in the living room doing some work while watching the television. She looked up at her wife as the glasses sat on her nose. Her eyes glanced at Tegan as she walked towards her, already getting bigger. Her anxiety was rising.
"Morning," Tegan said groggily.
"Morning," Sara whispered. They kissed. Tegan sat next to her.
"Did you sleep after?" asked Tegan.
"Just half an hour."
"Hmmm."
"I made you breakfast," Sara said.
"Thank you."
They sat there for awhile. Both of them were excited it was Friday. They weren't excited because they had plans; they just needed some rest.
"I don't feel like going to work," Sara commented when it was time to get ready. "I don't want to," she whined.
"I don't either." Tegan sighed. "But we have to."
"Why?" Sara shot loudly. "Tell me why?"
"Because we have two babies on the way, we have a loan for the house to pay, we have expenses and we don't wanna be in debt?"
Sara nodded, sighing. She had never felt that lazy, that unproductive, that low-spirited. Why was she feeling that way?
"Overwhelmed?" Tegan answered her thoughts. How was she able to read every facial expression? How was she able to tell what was wrong with her easily and without much thought? Sara felt amazed with the power her lover held. They didn't know each other for too long to be able to read each other's minds, but Tegan was able to guess immediately, and she was able to know right away. That magical power made her believe in soulmates, even if it was just for that second.
"Yeah," she admitted, loud and clear.
"I know." Tegan got up. "We have to talk about it later tonight, okay?"
Okay, Sara made a mental note.
The day was fine, her classes were all good. They were analyzing "O Captain, My Captain" in her American Literature in the Nineteenth Century class. Tegan, too, was analyzing that poem with her classmates at school. It was merely a coincidence. Of course, in Sara's class, the students dove deeper inside the poem's political context, debating about the Civil War, about Walt Whitman, and sharing their personal commentaries about the subject matter. Tegan's class was a bit more centered on the figurative language in general; most of her students did not care about any political issues. Some only did. She couldn't steer her class the way she'd like to, they were young and she was asked to give only little information. She wondered if someday she'd be able to lecture the way she desired like her wife did. Sara; on the other hand, was wondering if one day she'd be able to retire with a comfortable financial state. While lecturing, she wished for nothing more than to be in her bed, surrounded by her blankets, books and cups of coffee. She still didn't get what was going on with her.
She decided to reserve a table at a restaurant after work. Maybe a good talk with her wife would clear things off her head.
Tegan liked the idea; she wanted to go out. She didn't want to sulk at home with Sara's growing anxiety. She told Emy all about it.
"Just talk it out," her friend said. "She's probably having daddy blues."
"Please don't say that in front of her or she'll murder you," Tegan said. They sat on a bench outside as Tegan waited for her wife to pick her up and Emy waited for her Uber. "She already feels like she isn't enough because she's not the one carrying. That's Sara we're talking about; her entire life was centered on having that damn baby."
"Damn."
"Yeah." Maybe that was what bothered Sara, Tegan didn't think of it. Maybe it was her subconscious fear. She had been thinking about the possibilities until she came to the conclusion that she was just worried and tired. Who knew, though! Perhaps it was that issue again.
"Is Stacy like that?" Emy asked.
"Like what?"
"All…you know, very conventional?"
"Sara isn't," said Tegan. "She's just…"
"She's just traditional," Emy completed. "It's fine. You can admit it to yourself. She wanted a wedding, kids, a house, she cares about the roles inside the house and such stuff. I don't know."
"She really isn't," Tegan argued. "That's what I thought at the beginning. She's just been through shit. Mostly, it's just her subconscious. She wants to prove something to herself and her mother. If you get to know her well, you'll understand her." Tegan looked at her phone. She hoped Sara would come already, she was getting cold. "And it's not very nice when you miscarry, trust me. It makes you want to have the baby even if you didn't want to before."
"Aww, I'm sorry." Emy touched her friend's arm, squeezing to give comfort. Tegan smiled.
"To answer your question, Stacy's not at all. She doesn't care about anything, to be honest. Basically, just don't curse in front of her daughter, don't talk shit about Sara, and always compliment her food."
Emy laughed. "She said she's going to make me those Oreo truffles she once made at Sara's birthday party." Red already coated the pale cheeks of her friend, Tegan wanted to laugh at how adorable that looked.
Emy was excited; heat spread through her body when she remembered the texts she exchanged with the older woman the previous night. They texted till Stacy fell asleep at one. They could have gone on till the morning; Emy didn't mind.
"My ride is here." Emy stood up. "Call Sara and ask what's taking her too long."
"She just texted she needs two minutes to be here." Tegan smiled.
"Okay, see ya."
"Good luck," Tegan said, she really needed it. She stepped in the car, counting to ten over and over again in her mind until she reached her place. She tidied her room, cleaned the living room, washed the dishes in the sink from the night before and the morning. She showered, shaved, and then decided to wear her favorite ripped jeans and grey sweatshirt. She made sure the house was warm enough and made sure the television had some cartoon channels for Ella. She was all set right before Stacy knocked on her door.
Tegan and Sara sat opposite one another in the cozy Italian restaurant. Tegan's hand was on top of Sara's. They had just begun talking about the restless matter that Sara had been projecting lately. First they talked about their days, then they talked about the food, after that they chatted about Emy and Stacy. Once they were warm enough and comfortable enough to open up to one another, Tegan began with some interrogation.
Sara answered freely; that's what made it easier. She didn't feel the pressure her mother had put her in once she asked her. Never felt the discomfort her therapist placed her in as well. She was able to discuss and admit her fears. She let them all out.
"At first I was jealous." Like Tegan had thought. Tegan nodded, smiling. "I didn't know why I was jealous."
"It's fine, Sara. I think I'd be jealous, too."
"Really?"
"It's kinda, you know, a human nature? We both want to carry and…yeah."
"But you didn't want to?"
"But then…I wanted to."
"Yeah." Sara sighed. She took a sip of her wine. It had been too long since she had an alcoholic drink. She didn't drink in front of Tegan as a form of solidarity. Tegan allowed her to drink tonight. Tegan settled on water. "Like, you know how at work they give professors maternity leave when they give birth?" Tegan nodded. "Yeah, that professor took it and I had to take some of her work…it just vexed me."
"I know." The younger woman was still smiling. She didn't want to seem judgmental or critical. She understood her wife, she understood her motives, she understood where she was coming from.
"And I thought about how I can't even get that when my babies arrive because I'm not the one giving birth to them."
"You sure you can't?" Sara shook her head. "Because I read there's some parental leave in some companies in case of adoption and such matters."
"No, I can't," Sara said firmly. "I asked about it."
Tegan didn't know what to say.
"I want to be there for you." Tegan wanted to tell her about the unpaid leave, but Sara was already getting there, "I might take an unpaid leave, though."
"Yeah, I was going to suggest it."
"And basically that's when everything started…"
"Getting too much inside your head," Tegan finished for her. The professor smiled. "Money?"
"How do you know everything?"
Tegan shrugged. "I'm your wife."
Sara giggled. "Yes, but, wow, I didn't even make it obvious."
"Oh, Sasa." Tegan tsked. "You? Not making it obvious? Babe, if I said no sex and you wanted sex you get upset and grumpy, so imagine when it's something that big. You've been sleeping all day and all night, whining about the salary raise, and not wanting to go to work. I know you."
"Thank God I picked the right person to marry this time." Sara winked.
"I love that smile and wink."
"I love you," Sara said.
"I do, too." Tegan squeezed the warm hand. "Don't worry about it, my love. Money comes and goes and we're safe. Don't overthink something that doesn't need worrying about. Both of us are working and even if something happens and one of us quits her job, we'll still manage. I just wanna tell you, I still do have that apartment I'm renting, you know."
"That's your money, love. It's for you."
"It's for us. We're doing this together so it's what we both share." Sara's lopsided smile didn't show agreement, but Tegan let it go for that moment. "And as for the overwhelming feeling, then it's pretty normal. Haven't you been there before?"
"Oh, I have." Sara raised an eyebrow. "This time it's somehow hitting harder. It feels more real." She chuckled. "Maybe because they're two, maybe because I'm afraid I'll lose them, maybe because I'm excited, maybe because it feels too real and I can't wait? It's just inducing my anxiety."
"It's normal." Tegan nodded. "I'm getting the same feeling, mostly about my body and career but I'm trying not to think too much about it."
"You should talk it out," Sara suggested.
"Oh, you know." Tegan shrugged. "What if I quit my job and never work again in my life?"
"Do you see yourself doing that?"
Tegan didn't answer for a long second as she pondered the question inside her head. "I want to quit this job because I am tired. I want some time for myself, but I don't want to quit it now. Maybe I'll finish this year. After giving birth I won't go back for the first year. It'll be too much. But that's what's scaring me. What if I fall into that hole?"
"Housewife and a mother without any financially independence or a life outside of the house?" Sara wondered loudly.
"Yup."
"It's not the 1950s, love."
"I know, but I'm lazy."
"You're not. You're pretty ambitious. You won't last much at home, trust me."
Tegan sighed.
"I guess all our worries are just…"
"The outcomes of overthinking," Sara continued for her wife.
"I think it will be fine."
"If your rosy lips say it and your pearly eyes whisper it, then they will."
"Shut up, you little poet." Tegan blushed. That time, Sara squeezed her hand instead.
The nurse could sense the nerves the younger woman strove to harbor beneath a charming smile. The place was very small but too cozy that her daughter felt comfortable sitting on the carpeted floor in front of the screen. She glanced at her little kid every few minutes, taking a break from the sight that filled her eyes. Emy loved to talk, Stacy didn't mind that.
For the first time, they weren't fighting, they weren't arguing, they weren't mocking one another. Emy enjoyed her truffles but seemed to be too shy to eat in front of her. She had never imagined she'd be crushing on someone that much younger than her.
"Can I…" Stacy interrupted Emy's sentence. Emy had been talking about her childhood after a request from the nurse. Stacy shook her head. She changed her mind. "Never mind."
"What?" Emy wondered. "You want something?" Stacy shook her head. "Say it, it's fine."
"I'm not sure what your reaction might be but…uh, I'm a smoker."
"Oh."
"Yeah, I was asking if I could…" Emy's smile grew; teeth began to show. "What?"
"I was too scared to tell you that I smoke."
"You do, too?"
"Uh, yeah. Just not in front of Tegan. She quit and Sara hates it so basically I try to…"
"Oh, please, I know what you mean." Stacy rolled her eyes. "I never smoke in front of Sara, by the way." She was already taking two cigarettes out of the pack; one for her, one for Emy. "She'd kill me."
"Thank you," Emy whispered. Stacy lit the cigarette for her.
"So yeah, continue," Stacy said. "You only had…uh…your brother?"
"Yeah," Emy said. "Well…he's…"
"It's fine, I know." Stacy smiled apologetically. "Your mother seems nice."
"She is," Emy said. "She's not old by the way."
"Really?"
Emy chuckled. "No. She had me when she was sixteen."
"Oh, wow." Stacy tried to calculate the age of the woman in her head.
"She's umm…thirty-nine," Emy whispered the number hastily.
Stacy started coughing, blinking. "She's three years older than me." Emy blushed. Her face was hot and embarrassed. "How would she feel knowing you slept with someone as old as her?"
Emy didn't respond; her face was on fire. Stacy hadn't thought she was that bashful. Admittedly, she enjoyed it.
"Wow!" Stacy sat back, musing at the fact she was getting herself into a relationship with a much younger woman. How was Sara able to do it? She glanced at coy Emy again. She smiled. "I have an older brother. My mother is pretty old." She chuckled. Emy did, too. "Grew up in Vancouver. Stayed there almost my entire life. Went to university in the States, though. My brother was already there so I went there to study."
"I was the only woman you…" Emy didn't continue; her words were clear without having to clarify them.
"Mhm." The mother glanced at her daughter, thankfully too engrossed in the animated film before her eyes. "I did, you know, with Sara." Emy nodded. "I did have crushes here and there, always mistook them for admiration." She paused with a sigh. "Or in your case, irritation."
"You have a crush on me?" Emy's sweet tone made her sit closer. She wanted to kiss the younger woman, just not in front of her daughter.
"Is that a surprise?"
"Yes," Emy answered immediately. "You didn't want to be around me when we were set up."
"It was an act." Stacy wished she could allow Emy a fraction of her secrets; the defense and coping mechanisms, but it was just too early for that.
They talked for hours. They stood together in the kitchen and prepared dinner together. Emy had wanted to order pizza, but Stacy thought she'd cook for her in her own kitchen. Emy helped with salad, Stacy made spicy parmesan garlic chicken. She used whatever the younger woman had in her fridge. Ella fell asleep in the living room. Emy carried her to her own bedroom so that the two women could still chat and enjoy some wine together.
Conversations deepened, stories turned into laughter, loud voices became soft whispers and soon the two women were only inches apart. Hot breaths connected and lips interlaced. Kisses turned into touches and touches birthed more mistakes. Emy, once again, gave all her body and maybe all of her heart. Stacy, once again, could barely offer her body, despite secretly offering her heart. She tried her best. Once she was touched, she closed her eyes to block away her thoughts. It took her few minutes to reach where she wanted. It wasn't strong. It didn't feel right. She pushed the younger woman away, heavy breaths and tears on the brim of her eyes blocking her vision. Emy asked if something was wrong until Stacy blocked her away completely. In the morning, Stacy left with a desperate Emy asking herself many questions. In the morning, Sara and Tegan were visited once again.
That time both were widely awake, dressed in casual clothes and ready to listen. However, when Emy arrived, she found Stacy there.
Tegan sent stealthy glances to her wife. They exchanged a knowing smile. It was too soft to be noticed. The previous night had ended in passionate love making after the professor had thrown her entire body on the mattress, laughter ringing in the cold room. Tegan couldn't erase the melodic whispers from her mind: Play with me. Play with my body. Do whatever you want. Touch wherever you want. Thinking about the previous night while playing Dr. Phil didn't feel right; her panties were wet again. Her smile grew bigger; therefore she looked down at her legs crossed on the couch. Just few hours ago, Sara offered to draw her body. It had been a long time since she drew her last; she had been in her eighth week; they had just found out she was pregnant. She looked bigger this morning. Every morning she looked bigger than the previous one. She wore her new jeans overalls that Sara had gotten her just a week before. They were already shopping for maternity clothes because nothing could fit her anymore and she was barely 17 weeks along.
That time, Sara didn't let Emy or Stacy speak about each other in different rooms. She let them sit opposite to her and her wife and allowed them to talk. The problem was Ella. They could barely distract her because the child was sensing an abnormality. Her mother knew she sensed it since the morning when she woke up in a different bed. After the sex, Emy let Stacy stay in her bed with the four-year-old. Emy slept on the couch. Still, Ella could feel the new intruder in her life.
Eventually, Sara was able to distract her with some crayons and an empty notebook. Ella loved to draw, so it was easy bait.
Emy wanted to talk first. She felt like she deserved to do that. Stacy sighed but let her without jumping in.
"I honestly don't know why you're here or what you're trying to complain about because I'm sure last night I didn't do anything wrong." Stacy wasn't trying to complain, she only wanted to understand what was going on with her. Before she could think of speaking, Emy continued, "It was one of the best nights I've had in months. We talked, we smoked…"
"You smoked?" Sara shot. "You still smoke?" she asked, but Tegan wasn't sure if she was asking Stacy or Emy.
"That's not the point," Emy said. "The point is we had a good time and then…"
"Then we slept together," Stacy continued when Emy's voice started to break. She hated drama. She didn't like that.
"Okay?" Sara asked.
"Did she make you squirt again?" Tegan asked casually. The three women stared at her with wide eyes. "What? I meant like is that why you're here? Because the same thing happened?" Tegan huffed. "Oh, forget it." She rolled her eyes.
"Uh…no," Emy said bashfully. "It was good but when I…"
"When she tried to touch me I wasn't very receptive."
Emy didn't say anything. Sara furrowed her brows. Tegan stared at her belly.
"I…I came in like three minutes."
"Holy motherfucking asshole, " Tegan shouted. "How even? I wish I can do that."
"Calm down," her wife said. She put a hand on her knee. "Stace, I'm sorry, continue,"
"Yeah, that's not fun, Tegan."
"And then she just," Emy continued, "she just, I don't know, you literally pushed me away, you were so cold and then...Why are you doing this? Do you not like me? Are you not attracted to me?" Tears streaming down her face.
"Stop crying," Stacy said. "I'm very attracted to you, idiot."
"This is cute," Tegan whispered. Sara glared at her.
"I just need time."
"Time for what?"
"For everything. I've been in a bad relationship, Emy. I can't get into one just like that. And honestly, I…"
Sara started to understand. She nodded on her own.
"You what?" Emy asked.
Stacy sighed.
"I think I know," Sara said.
"What is it?" Emy wondered.
"I think she…" Sara was looking at her friend for permission. Once she was given the okay, she continued, "she's remembering her relationship and how abusive it was when you're touching her. She's just not there…yet."
"Yeah." Stacy shrugged. "It's been a long time since somebody touched me and I…I need time."
"Mhm," Emy said. "I guess you know where to find me when you decide."
Sara didn't understand why Emy was so offended. The nurse was honest with her, very honest in fact. Emy was a bit too dramatic. She looked at her wife's blank face. She shook her head. Those two were too young and most of the times too dramatic. Most of the times she had to remember herself in her early twenties just to understand where her wife was coming from. Stacy was going to suffer if she ever dated Emy, and it was all her fault.