The time to know had finally arrived. Both hearts were dancing to a tune of anxiety and anticipation. The doctor spread the cold gel over the grown bump. Tegan hissed. Her wife took a quick look at her; an understanding between them. Tegan smiled. Sara, too…only with empathy. She had spent the previous night consoling Tegan. An idiot at the grocery store assumed she was due in few weeks. Tegan was too sensitive not to cry on the way back home. In fact, she locked herself up in the bathroom as Sara knocked for an hour. When Tegan had finally left, she kept calling herself fat and unattractive. Sara had to be extra patient during that time because she recalled it too well.
Sara hoped part of the outburst was merely an outcome of anxiety, but it wasn't. Tegan didn't seem like she cared much about finding out the sex of their babies when she woke up in the morning. She seemed quite indifferent as she ate breakfast and talked to her mother. Sara tried to measure her blood pressure but Tegan didn't let her. The wife questioned about her heartbeat, Tegan said it was normal. She had been getting palpitations lately. Few days ago she had some trouble breathing, Emy informed Sara after work.
Finally, winter break started and Christmas was just around the corner. Sara and Tegan spent more time together and extra time with their friends, separately; Stacy and Emy were in a cold war. It was repulsive to witness because both couldn't stop thinking about one another but none of them was willing to call the other. Sara believed Stacy should be the one calling Emy. Tegan believed Emy shouldn't have been that dramatic. It was ironic to Sara.
Tegan reached for her wife's hand. Maybe she cared, Sara thought. She held the trembling hand immediately. She squeezed the warm skin.
"Alright," uttered the doctor softly, "look at your little babies!" She smiled.
Tegan and Sara looked at the screen. Tegan could finally make out what the hell was going on in there but it was still funny and strange to her. However, this time, clearly there were two fetuses in her womb.
"Are they healthy?" Sara asked right away.
"Oh, they are. They're healthy and they seem to be a bit tall as well."
Tegan giggled. "No way, we're elves."
"Adam's tall," Sara muttered.
"Oh, yeah." The doctor sent a smile in Tegan's direction. "Can we even tell from now?"
"Well, no, of course you can't. By the size of your bump, though, they seem to be big. They seem healthy enough," the doctor answered. "Don't you wanna know the sex?"
"Yes," chanted both women. Tegan squeezed the hand she clutched. Sara felt her heartbeat increase.
While Tegan prayed for boys, Sara prayed for girls.
"Well, Tegan, Sara," the doctor looked at them, "you are pregnant with two girls."
Sara smiled cheerfully, teeth showing. Tegan smiled, too. It was a small smile. She had always thought it was hard to raise a girl, let alone two girls. She would have to deal with people just like her. She knew that her mother suffered with her. Tegan wasn't an easy child to bring up. She was stubborn, shy, an introvert, and self-conscious. As she grew up she became even more insufferable, always taking the worst decisions. She didn't even listen to her mother's advice. She made a lot of mistakes. She was just a hot mess. She really didn't want two girls to relive her nightmares. With boys it was easy; she would just have to make sure they didn't knock up anybody.
Sara, though, had different thoughts. As they drove back home, they talked about it. Sara expressed her opinion. "We are lesbians, Tegan," she said. "It will be hard to raise two boys, trust me."
"Why?" Tegan couldn't get it.
"You would have to make sure your boys are open minded enough to who you are. You have to make sure they are feminists, woke, and able to defend you and defend themselves when somebody tries to bully them. It would be twice harder for us and for them." Sara sighed. "While with girls, they would just understand it better. They'll grow up with two females other than them who would encourage them. They wouldn't be able to be affected by our misogynistic society while the boys might be."
"Ugh." Tegan rolled her eyes. "You think way too much, Sara."
"Of course!" Sara chuckled. "I'm just happy all you three are fine."
Their journey didn't end right there. Though Tegan wanted to call her mum to inform her about the news, Sara insisted they would go shopping for new bras for her. She didn't want to at first; she had always hated bra shopping. She made her mother do it. She didn't even know her size most of the times. Even the previous summer, she told her mother she needed new bras when she visited and her mother got her a few. One time she shopped for them with Emy, but made Emy pay as she stood far away. She didn't tell Sara all that. She was just awkward. Sara, though, insisted they would go pick up some maternity bras because Sara claimed they'd make her more comfortable with her body.
Once again, she trod awkwardly behind her wife as the older woman viewed the colorful selection, testing each one her eyes fell on. From the corner of her eyes, Tegan checked the place, hoping she wouldn't bump into anyone she knew from work or college. She didn't even know why she was nervous. She looked down at her attire. Her large hoodie hid her belly, but everyone could easily tell she was pregnant if they stood close to her. From afar, she just looked fat. Even her thighs were much thicker. She had been crying for days because of the discomfort she had been feeling with her body. Sara was doing her best to make her feel better. She knew Sara felt guilty, took it upon herself; Sara always blamed herself.
"Hey, these seem good. Which color do you want?" Sara asked, holding two types in her hands. Tegan shrugged. The first one was a nursing bra, Tegan could tell because that's what the tag said. The second looked a lot like her sports bras but was a bit bigger and the texture seemed different. That one was nude colored. She hated nude bras, but at that moment she didn't care.
Sara understood her. She didn't ask about the color again. She tried to be patient. She had been there. She understood it too well. She, too, cried when she gained weight. As much as she wanted the baby, she still felt depressed because of how her body had changed.
"What's your size?" Sara said calmly. She looked at the sizes. Tegan didn't answer. "Tee?"
"I don't know," Tegan shot.
"Honey," she whispered, "it's fine. It's just a bra. It's fine."
Tegan nodded. "I don't know what my size is. I was a B."
"You're not a B right now." Sara's eyes shifted towards her breasts. They were hidden inside the hoodie. Sara sighed. "I'll get you the same size of the old bras you had." Tegan nodded. "36 C." She nodded again.
Sara handed her the bras but she didn't take them. She didn't want to hold them in front of people. Sara thought that was very childish. She wished Tegan would stop being as shy. She didn't seem to, but once anxious she could barely leave her cocoon. Sara walked with her to the fitting rooms. She told her to go inside one room and try them on. Tegan hesitated at first but eventually yielded to Sara's orders. Sara sat on a chair inside. Women were coming in and choosing different rooms to try their clothes. Sara waited for her wife.
"Sara?" Tegan called.
"Yes?"
"Get me a bigger size." She could hear the defeat in Tegan's voice, the disappointment, the irritation.
"Okay." Sara didn't even question it. She walked to the same section and picked D cups of each one she had picked before. She walked back to Tegan's room and knocked on the door. "Tee?" Tegan opened quickly and snatched the bras from her.
Sara waited for only a minute then knocked.
"What?" Tegan said.
"Can I come in?"
Tegan opened the door. Her infamous scowl accessorized her face. Her wife looked at her body. She had put on the purple nursing bra. Sara closed the door in the stuffy room. She put her hands against Tegan's chest to inspect.
"Does it fit well?" she asked. She checked from the sides as well. She pulled it to see if it was tight. "It's hiding your boobs pretty well." Tegan was too quite at first until she burst in laughter.
Sara looked up.
"What is it?" Sara asked.
"I'm having flashbacks of the first time I shopped for bras with my mum." Tegan kept laughing, but it was the sad type. Tears collected in her eyes. "I was fourteen. My breasts just grew all of a sudden and my mum noticed she hadn't gotten me bras so she took me to get some and it was the worst thing ever. She kept doing this with the bra, checking if it fit and if it was too tight." Her tears were falling.
"I'm sorry," Sara whispered, letting go. "I didn't mean to sound like her. I just want you to be comfortable." Sara's voice was too gentle but Tegan couldn't help not to cry. She was just not feeling well.
"I hate them," she said. "I really do." Sara couldn't get what Tegan was feeling towards her own body. Nobody understood her struggles. She didn't really tell people. She barely talked about it. To her, the previous discomfort she had dealt with in her teenage years seemed too vibrant at that particular moment. "I'm a D now. I'll go back to double Ds in few months."
"Tegan." Sara didn't even know what to say. You're beautiful, you should love your body, I love your body…blah blah blah. None sounded right. "It's temporary," she said instead. "You'll go back to the way you were, I promise you." Tegan wiped her tears, or at least attempted to. "I'm so sorry I'm putting you through this."
Tegan shook her head with a chuckle. "Shut up," she said sweetly. Sara wanted to kiss her. "You've been nothing but support on foot. I wouldn't know what I'd do without you." She started to remove the bra to try the next one. Sara helped her.
The nude one seemed more appealing to her than the first one. Sara thought it was due to its shape. It tucked things in nicely. Tegan stared at her chest for a long time until she tried a third, also a nursing bra. That one was beautiful, Sara thought. It was black, it had some lace in it.
Once they were done, Sara purchased a pregnancy pillow. She told Tegan that object was just magical and it would bring a lot of comfort when she fell asleep. Tegan was happy about that purchase because it seemed cozy and comfortable.
She was so hungry when they got home. She had been craving steak with mushroom sauce for the past week. Sara was happy to cook it for her. She hadn't ever craved red meat before but recently her taste buds had been betraying her usual liking.
She Skyped with her mother next. Sonia was ecstatic about the news, calling the father, who walked in with a sandwich in his mouth, as usual. Tegan rolled her eyes.
"I can't believe I'm gonna be a grandma to two girls."
Sara was laughing from the background. Tegan sat on the floor near the window and Sara on the couch flipping through the channels.
"Has your breathing been okay?" the father asked.
"Yeah," Tegan said. "It's annoying when I sleep, though." Her mother seemed concerned as she looked at her father.
"What did the doctor say?" her dad asked again.
"He said that there's nothing alarming but if she found any trouble breathing at night again, she needs to go to the ER," Sara answered. "She had heart palpitations, though. Her heart beats too quickly."
"Again, though, nothing is too alarming," Tegan continued.
"This is not good," Sonia mumbled. "Is it?"
Stephen shook his head. "I'm concerned about the next few months, Tegan."
"Yeah." She sighed. "I'm fine now, though. Like, lately, I've been feeling good. I guess because there's no work to exhaust me."
"Why don't you quit, honey?" Sonia asked.
"Mum, we discussed this." Sonia sighed. "Dad, is that sandwich the same one you used to make for me?"
"Yeah," he said while chewing. "Want some?" He chuckled.
"Yeah. I want some. Sara can't make that."
"Hey," Sara shouted. "I can make everything. Plus, you just had dinner.
"Not this," Stephen said. "Nobody can make this but me."
"Don't be too offended, dear. It's a shit sandwich. He literally puts everything we have in the fridge there and calls it a sandwich. It's disgusting," Sonia said.
"Stop insulting my sandwich." Sonia rolled her eyes. Tegan started to get embarrassed by her parents, giving Sara a look only she could understand. Sara looked at the television again, smiling.
Once Stephen was out of the room, Sonia asked her daughter to stand up and project her baby bump. Tegan obliged with a huff.
"So big," Sonia gasped. "Wow!"
"I know!"
"I really wish you visited. I miss you."
"I miss you, too." Sara looked back at the screen of Tegan's laptop. She smiled apologetically. "Why don't you visit?" Tegan suggested. "Like, when you can?"
"You want me to do that?" Tegan nodded. Sara felt even worse. "You really do?"
"Yeah?" Tegan hesitated, "So…sometimes I feel like I'm lost."
"Oh, honey." Sara looked back at the television as a tear escaped her lids. She wanted her mother, too. She just couldn't bring herself to admit it to people. Not yet. It took her a long time to admit it to herself but not to her people. "I'll visit as soon as I can. In fact, I'll try to look through my appointments right now and see what I can do about that." Tegan nodded. "I wish I can visit right now, but you know how the holiday season gets. Plus, your brother's wedding is giving us a headache."
"It's in March, though," Tegan said.
"Yeah, but his fiancee' is a bit picky and we keep changing a lot of things." Sonia sighed. "Boring details, trust me. I hate weddings. Your dad and I didn't have one. We had a quiet one like you and Sara did."
Tegan had heard this sentence many, many, many times. She nodded anyway.
"Tegan?"
"Yes?"
"Have you thought about your birth? What's your plan?"
"Ummm." Sara looked at the computer screen again. They hadn't thought about any of that. "I…I don't know." Tegan looked back at her. Sara didn't know what to say.
"Honey, you need to think about this. Did you even prepare the nursery?"
"No?"
"What are you doing then?"
"I don't know?"
"I didn't want her to think of that in case…" Sara faltered, she couldn't continue.
"Oh." Sonia nodded. Thankfully, she understood. "Well, now I think your pregnancy is safe. Just think of your birth plan. You need to talk to your doctor about that. You're having a cesarean and that's for sure." Tegan nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. "I have to be there with you when it happens." Tegan nodded quickly. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure Sara knows what she's doing."
"Yeah, yeah," Sara answered. "I was going to discuss it with her soon. I mean we just found out the sex of the babies today so…"
"Exactly!" Tegan knew her mother was trying to be supportive. "Yeah, don't worry about it." Her mother must have seen the dread on her face. Sara walked up to her and hugged her from behind. "I'll leave you two love birds for now. I have to go." Sara smiled before ending the chat but Tegan was too dazed to do so.
However, she tried her best to push her thoughts away. When Sara wanted to talk about it, she would listen. For now, she just wanted to ease her mind. She forced Sara to sit with her in bed as she watched old seasons of Gilmore Girls so she could also force Sara to watch the revival season with her next. Sara seemed to like the show. In fact, she waited for their nightly routine every day. She even prepared the snacks before and made sure the bedroom was warm enough for them to sit there.
Tegan used her new pillow to cuddle with instead of Sara. But Sara insisted on pushing herself as close to her wife as it was possible. It just felt normal. Sara played with Tegan's hands while Tegan stuffed her mouth with chips.
"Close your mouth when you chew," Sara complained. "I'm trying to hear what they're saying."
"Why are you deaf?" Tegan asked, chewing with an open mouth on purpose.
"Why are you so disgusting?" Tegan pushed her mouth closer to Sara's ear, chewing loudly and obnoxiously. "Tegan," Sara yelled, shifting away. "Stop doing that," she whined. Tegan laughed.
"Alright, sorry." Tegan continued laughing as she finally chewed normally. Sara shifted her frame closer to her once again. "I fucking hate Rory."
"So annoying," Sara agreed. "But I'd do Lorelei. Like in a heartbeat."
"Shut up."
"What? You jealous?" Sara smirked. Her wife rolled her eyes. "You are."
"I'd be if you were able to meet her, yes."
"Aww, Tee Tee." Sara kissed her lover on her left cheek, enhancing the color red on both sides. She loved those affectionate moments; the fact that Tegan could actually be jealous of an actress Sara admired or a woman in the street Sara looked at. It made Sara feel confident, even proud. With her old age compared to Tegan, she was still able to make Tegan feel jealous.
"Lorelei deserves a better daughter than Rory," Tegan mumbled.
"And a better mum than Emily."
"The Cobra," finished Tegan with a chuckle.
"Emily Gilmore reminds me of my mother."
"I noticed," Tegan said. "The way you described yours reminded me of this character."
"God, Tee, you have no idea. Kinda same…bullshit."
"But you gotta admit, it gets funny."
"Not in real life, trust me."
"Imagine we have daughters like Rory who would miss our graduation for a boy?" Tegan asked rhetorically.
"I'd disown them."
"I hope we get cute little girls like us." Sara chuckled. "I always worry about how we'll tell them those things."
"Which things?" Sara asked in a soft voice. The sound of the television was slowly becoming muffled with their concerns and thoughts.
"You know, the basics." She sighed. "Why are we two mommies? Why do some people have a daddy?"
"It will be easy to answer that," Sara said. "What won't be easy to answer is how do two women get a baby?" She chuckled.
"Oh God." Tegan groaned. "The sex talks. How are we gonna do that? What are we gonna say?"
"I don't even know. I'm waiting to find out how Stacy will do it with Ella and I'm hoping I'll learn something."
"We gotta read about it." Sara hummed. "I guess you're right, having girls is easier in such situations."
"Come on." Sara raised an eyebrow as she stared at her wife. "In everything. Girls are just cute."
Tegan laughed. She grabbed Sara's hand and put it on her swollen belly. She put hers on top. "Do you have any names in mind?"
"Not really." Sara shrugged.
"I have." The younger woman grinned.
"Let me guess!" Sara pretended she's thinking. "Rose." Tegan nodded with a huge smile adorning her flushed face. "What a shock," Sara teased.
"Shut up." Tegan pushed the arm that rested beside her. "I'll name only one. You name the other."
"I honestly don't know." Sara took a deep breath. "I guess I'd want something that goes along with Rose."
"Like?"
"Daisy?" Sara questioned.
"Seriously?" Tegan scoffed. "Rose and Daisy? How cheesy."
"Rose and Ruby?"
"Eww."
"Rose and Rosaline?"
"No." Tegan glared.
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's the same name…kinda."
Sara sighed. "Why don't I think about this more?"
"Take your time."
They continued watching. Tegan was falling asleep when Sara interrupted, "Rose and Red." Sara snorted.
"Fuck you," Tegan mumbled.
"Like the colors?"
"Sara, shut up." Tegan closed her eyes. "Take me to the bathroom."
"You get up, lazy ass." Tegan groaned. "Scarlet," Sara whispered. "I loved that name."
"Hmm?"
"Scarlet."
"What's wrong with her?" Tegan spoke with eyes closed.
"Tegan, we don't even know a Scarlet." Sara covered up her wife, who was falling asleep.
"I thought you're talking about Scarlet Johansson."
"Just sleep." She pecked her on the lips. "Sleep, baby."
"Brush my teeth?"
"Shhh. It's okay." Sara got up to switch off the lights in the room.
In the morning, Tegan woke up after her wife, who was awake in bed, scrolling through her social media accounts. "You said something about Scarlet last night."
"Yeah?" Sara said. "Morning."
"Morning," said Tegan. "I like the name Scarlet."
"Really?' Sara got up a bit, using her elbow for leverage.
"Yeah." Tegan yawned. "It would be cool. Rose and Scarlet. Like we're naming them Red and Red but using different synonyms."
"Well…" Sara shrugged, laughing. "We're the mums; we could do whatever we want."
"True." Tegan yawned again.
"Rose and Scarlet," Sara mused. "Sounds melodic."
"Yeah. Sounds beautiful."
Tegan hopped in the shower. Lately, she had been trying to avoid looking at her body in the mirror; the scene upset her. She tried her best to cope with this temporary alteration but it was all in vain. Each morning brought new concerns and new fears; each morning brought more self-consciousness than the one before. Even when she and Sara were shopping the day before, she really couldn't stare at her chest in the mirror, and especially not the belly. God, that awful round thing on her body.
Though, that morning she had to examine her body.
While showering she tried to shave but she couldn't see anything. She cursed under her breath and sat down on the ledge of the tub. "You know," she mumbled, looking at her swollen bump, "you're just 20 weeks of age." She chuckled. "How are you gonna look like when you're 30 weeks?" Tears rolled down her eyes. "I'm sorry but I really don't like you right now." She sighed. "And I don't like flaunting you." She cried harder, guilt coming in waves to wash her words away. She felt confused. She didn't know what to do or what to say. They lied about that pregnancy glow, too. It was all a lie. To her, she looked uglier day by day.
She grabbed the razor, sighing because she couldn't do anything else. She spread her legs. She gasped at the sight. She had been feeling some slight itching since the night before but she didn't pay it much attention. Her vulva was red, the skin was peeling off. She touched it and it burned when she rubbed. She touched her lips but everything itched. She didn't know what the hell that was but she assumed it's just another pregnancy side effect. "Joy," she mumbled sarcastically. She didn't want to shave lest she irritated her skin more. The area between her inner lips continued itching so she slid a finger in. She rubbed a bit then pulled out. "Eww." She washed the heavy discharge off her fingertip with the warm water. She decided that Sara shouldn't see that until it calmed down. If it didn't, she'd consult Sara without letting her see it. They hadn't had sex in days. She didn't know why at first. When she asked Sara, the older woman didn't seem comfortable talking about it. She blushed, she hesitated, the words danced in her mouth before she could utter some pathetic excuse. Tegan comprehended the reason on her own. She told Sara she didn't have to talk about it. Sara nodded. Sara cried that night. Tegan knew often times the hormone replacement didn't do the work as it was supposed to with her wife. Sometimes it stayed for few days and other times it lasted longer. She assumed it had to do with Sara's mood as well. She didn't know why it was off during the previous days but it could just be overthinking. Sara had been mastering that lately.
That's why Tegan had to stand in front of the mirror when she finished her shower. She wanted to take a closer look at her vulva. Her mound was full of hair that she couldn't really see much. Her eyes flew up to stare at her bare upper half. She remembered her name in high school, the one they bullied her with. Titty Tegan. She started crying again. She also decided she wasn't going to breastfeed.
When she left the shower, Sara was in the kitchen waiting for her. They planned on having pancakes together. Sara was on the phone with her mother when Tegan sat down.
"You took too long," Sara mouthed.
"Sorry," she mumbled. "Some…girl stuff." She giggled.
"Uh…sorry, mum, no…it's, I'm talking to my wife." Sara's cheeks turned red. Tegan raised an eyebrow. "Uh…n…no, umm she's not here now. She…just went into the bathroom." Tegan shook her head. She was never going to understand Sara's need to separate her from her mother. "Oh yeah…she's beautiful." Sara rolled her eyes. The mother always asked the same question. "I'll send you a picture." Tegan muffled her laughter. The mother always asked for the same thing. She couldn't blame her, though; Tegan also wanted a picture. Sara didn't want to give none of them a picture. "Yeah, alright, bye. Okay, I'll tell her. Next time. Okay. Bye."
When she hung up, she sighed in relief. Finally. "I don't fucking know what's wrong with her."
"Calm down," Tegan said. "Let's dig in, I'm starving."
"You're the one who took so long." Sara took her first bite. "What is girl stuff? I'm a girl, too."
Tegan giggled. "Shaving, Sara. I was shaving."
"Did you fuck yourself?" Sara raised an eyebrow.
"No, I didn't masturbate," Tegan said with eyes fixed on her wife's golden ones. Just thinking about it made her feel the itch again. She shifted around in her seat but it seemed that the more she did so, the harsher the burn felt. She wanted to take her underwear off. Maybe it was just a rash.
"Anyway, mum literally called for nothing. She kept repeating the same shit she talked about yesterday. She's getting attached again. She also wanted to talk to you. So annoying."
"You're mean." Tegan shrugged.
"We're not gonna go there again." Sara had told her why she didn't want to get close to her mother again, at least not now. She didn't want drama, she didn't want jealousy, she didn't want to be treated as some kind of a possession.
"I still don't get how she'll be jealous of me? What kind of Oedipus Complex shit are you on, Sara?" Sara sighed frustratingly. Just then Sara's phone began to buzz again.
"Oh, wow!" Sara squinted at her phone. "See what I mean?" She held the phone up to show the caller ID to Tegan. "She's doing it again."
"Just pick up," Tegan said. "Maybe she forgot to tell you something?"
"Something like what?" Sara exclaimed. "Like her boring old routine? Thanks, I memorized it by heart."
"If you don't pick up, I'll do it," Tegan threatened.
Sara picked up. "Yes, mum?" Irritation was evident in her tone and she wasn't even attempting to hide it.
"I'm sorry," her mother said. "I've been calling you a lot, I know."
"Yes, mum." Sara sighed. "Is there something wrong?"
"I just…I wanna ask a question."
"Mhm." She was impatient. Tegan was shaking her head.
"When you…when you…I mean…you know how you told me that uh…you had terrible periods when you…"
Sara sat up, a bit confused. "What are you talking about?"
"You bled…heavily when you were…"
"Yes, when I had cancer."
"Like…how? How heavily?"
"Mum, I…I don't know how to describe that. I just did. It didn't feel like a normal period."
Evelyn took a deep breath. Sara was suddenly alarmed.
"Are you bleeding?"
"Yeah…yeah," she said.
"Mum." She stood up. "Why are you telling me this? Why didn't you see a doctor? It's not even normal for you."
"I'm not sure if it's just an effect of menopause or…"
"I thought you hit menopause?" Sara was walking to and fro. Tegan watched with wide eyes. "Mum, seriously, you need to see a doctor."
"I…I will. I just thought I'd ask you."
"Is it painful?" Sara asked. "Do you have cramps? Oh my God, mum how heavy is the bleeding?" Sara began to freak out, and once again, she didn't even attempt to hide it.
"I thought I hit menopause, too. But…it wasn't. My period was just late. I mean, supposedly that's when I started to go through it but my periods didn't stop and now I'm bleeding in an…abnormal way. Yes, it's very abnormal and I wanted to ask you."
"Mum, please see a doctor."
"I…I will."
"I don't want your stupid 'I will,' I want you to fucking see a doctor," Sara shouted, not noticing that she was crying. "Oh my God, when did it start?"
"Sara, calm down," Evelyn whispered. Tegan stood by her wife's side, hushing while rubbing both arms. "Honey, calm down. It's been a week. Just a week." Sara sniffled. "I'll see a doctor. I swear I will. I just wanted to ask you. It's something common in the family."
"No," Sara shot like a child. "No, not to you."
Tegan was confused. She was able to hear the conversation and understand it. What confused her was Sara's sudden concern. A moment ago Sara was calling her mother annoying, now she's sobbing in fear that her mother's sick. Sara couldn't ever be understood.
On the other hand, Evelyn was astounded but also happy that her daughter cared that much. She hadn't ever thought she'd witness the day that Sara showed some affection. It finally came. But she also felt terrible that she had worried her daughter.
"I'll go to the doctor and I'll fill you in, how about that?"
"Yeah," Sara mumbled. She sniffled again. "Please do."
"I love you," Evelyn said. "I'm probably fine. Don't worry."
"I love you, too," Sara said it, without much thinking, without hesitation. When she realized her words, she bit her bottom lip. She squeezed her eyes shut and cried silently. Tegan calmed her down eventually. She wished Sara would open up about her mother, but it was just impossible.
Tegan attempted to open up instead. They spent the whole day cuddled up together in bed. Tegan didn't feel good. She didn't tell Sara that. Her vulva itched and she worried. Sara was not in the mood so she didn't want to disturb her. She removed her underwear and stayed in her pajama pants. Sara held her close as she rested her head against Tegan's shoulder. That's when Sara demanded Tegan should speak up instead.
"You always ask me about my mother," Sara said in a soft voice, still cracked from her earlier crying that day. "I always tell you things. Yet, you never tell me anything about you."
"Really?" Tegan chuckled. "You know everything about me."
"I know nothing about you, Tegan." Sara looked her in the eyes. Hers were swollen and still teary. "Your childhood. Your teenage years. Why you're so sensitive when it comes to your body image. You know, those things."
Tegan huffed. She was getting hot. Perhaps a bit uncomfortable. Sara holding her close and the duvet that covered them didn't help. "Seriously?" she questioned. "You wanna know about that?" She wrinkled her nose.
"Yeah? I wanna know about everything." Sara kissed her covered shoulder. "You're my wife."
"It's lame."
"It isn't." The professor rested a hand over the swollen belly and began rubbing. "Tell me a story. Your mum mentioned something about…about wanting to get a breast reduction earlier today."
Tegan paused. She didn't remember when. She looked at her wife for what seemed to be a long second, regaining old memories. She sighed. "You talked to her?"
"No. It's after you complained about your breasts size. You went to the bathroom and she was like, 'I hope she won't open up the breast reduction topic again.' I didn't get to ask, you came back and…" Her words faltered. She shut her lips with a pop. Her gazes examined her lover's facial features as she pondered and thought. "What was that about?"
"It's a long time ago," Tegan muttered. "I was, like, fifteen or sixteen."
"Talk about it." Sara nudged her arm. "I'm tired of sharing. I want you to do it, too."
"It's not that I don't want to share, it's just that you know all about my boring life. I was a really, you know, awkward kid and an even more awkward teenager. I got bullied. I had pimples. I didn't have many friends. You know, had a group of wannabes as friends when I was like sixteen or something. You know all about that. The shaved head."
"Yeah, basic info." Sara yawned.
"You wanna know about the breast reduction story?" Sara nodded. "Well, I was bullied…like a lot. Middle and high school."
"Why?" Sara shifted away, a concerned look on her face. She grabbed Tegan's hand and played with her fingers.
"I didn't have friends, Sara. I couldn't make friends. I don't know what was wrong. I just couldn't. I was too awkward. I guess everyone knew I was a little bit gay…except me."
Sara chuckled but it wasn't funny to her. She was tearing up thinking of her wife as a lonely girl in high school, sitting alone at lunch, bullied, harassed. It upset her. Yes, maybe she was teased and mocked sometimes, but that's because she was just a dork. She was able to stand up for herself most of the times. She had Stacy. She had her cousin Audrey, too. Boys loved her. It wasn't bad for her. For Tegan, though, it seemed hellish. She also thought of their daughters. Would she allow that? Would they ever be bullied?
"How did they bully you?" Sara asked, but before Tegan could answer she retreated, taking her words back, "No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna hurt you. It's fine, Tegan. You don't have to talk about it."
Tegan chuckled, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter now. Everything's different now. I told you it was a long time ago. I was called names. I was laughed at. I used to care a lot. Used to cry a lot. Just like you, I was my mother's baby and, God, that woman was so attached, still is by the way."
Sara released a soft laugh. A tear rolled down her eyes but she wiped it away instantly.
"I was in Middle School, all normal and, like, skinny and then all of a sudden I went to high school and I had those huge fucking tits and I…" Tegan sighed. "I hated bras. I didn't tell my mum I wanted any. I hid my breasts with big shirts. She completely neglected the subject so yeah, imagine. Grade nine. Locker room. No bra."
Sara's face was scrunched up, cringing at the thought. "I hated that part the most. God, the worst part."
"Yeah, it was. Girls gossiped and whispered and I heard them and pretended I didn't."
"I'm sorry."
"Well, they created a nickname." Sara nodded. She had been told about that nickname before. "Titty Tegan."
"Oh, Tee." The younger woman's hand was squeezed.
"Boys started calling me that. They made fun of how my tits bounced when I walked, even though I'm sure nothing of that sort happened. Nobody could see anything, I know it."
"People can be so mean."
Tegan agreed with a nod. "So one day I told my mum about it and she cried for like an entire day feeling useless."
"Aww." Sara wondered a lot about motherhood. The topic apprehended her more and more the closer she got to experience that part. Where did mothers go wrong? Why did they neglect their children's needs? What happened that made them so ignorant and unaware? What if she ended up like her mother or Tegan's? What if she was worse?
"She got me bras but it was useless. Everyone called me by that name. I remember they even took like a few of them to the principal and I was asked to go there, too." Tegan looked down at their hands interlaced. A sad chuckle made its way through her lips. She was choking up, Sara could tell. "The kids were threatened they'd get expelled. The counselor had to deal with me and he did such a terrible job."
"I'm so sorry." Tegan sighed, nodding. "I really hope nobody is that mean to our kids."
"That's not all." Tegan smiled. "The following year I came back with even bigger boobs. They were huge, Sara. I was so small. Way smaller than when you first met me so basically nothing was balanced. So, yeah, the nickname came back…plus some rumors."
"That's just disgusting." Sara regretted asking her to open up. Perhaps it had been a bad idea. She felt helpless. She didn't know what exactly to say.
"Well, yeah." Tegan stretched. "When I was younger I just thought it's my fault. I hated my body so much. I went to my parents and I just flat out said to them I wanted to have a breast reduction surgery. My mother was horrified. My dad was stunned. I had to say why. Again, she cried. Dad was just silent."
Sara thought about that time, how strange it was that they didn't know each other but both of them were suffering pain separately and in different ways. She was dealing with the loss of a child and a divorce and her lover was having issues beyond her ability of tolerance. Fate really worked in magical ways to combine broken hearts together. She was there to fully support and love Tegan. She loved and appreciated all her flaws. She cherished her body. She loved every bit of it. And Tegan did the same. She did exactly the same.
"She left the house and came back with all those sports bras and helped me get in them. I felt…normal for the first time. I just stared at myself in the mirror and felt like that's how my body should be. I even asked for a binder but she refused. She asked me if I wanted to get rid of them completely or just reduce their size. I told her I wanted the latter. She promised she'd let me get it when I turned eighteen."
"But you didn't," Sara mumbled.
"No." Tegan paused. She looked down again, a tint of coyness on her face. "I was supposed to in summer 2013 but before that I, uh…I met you and…I realized you were attracted to them so…" She giggled embarrassingly. Sara did, too. She leaned in for a kiss. "That's the story of the reduction. Mum had to sleep in the same bed with me for over a week because I wouldn't stop crying. High school just sucked for me. Today I just felt like I was back there when we were shopping. I was just like…it's the same thing, this feeling will never go away."
"I'm so sorry," Sara said it slowly and softly. "If I had known, I wouldn't have forced you to go there. I would have just…"
"Shopped for me instead like my mum did afterwards." Sara nodded. "Don't worry. I'm a big girl now. It's just gonna be hard those few months but hopefully after it…things will be normal."
"They will, I promise you."
They chatted up a bit more. They exchanged expectations and imaginations regarding their daughters; what the future might hold for their family. Tegan could tell her wife was getting excited. It terrified her because nothing was certain yet. She really wished one day she'd stop thinking about the worst that could happen and just enjoy those rays of hope. She couldn't. She had to think of the storm that was destined to take away her calmness.
In the morning, she spent about half an hour in the bathroom examining the infected skin between her legs. It didn't only look more horrible, but the itch between her lips increased. There was even a slight burn when she peed. She had to inform Sara, but when she left the bathroom the older woman was busy hurrying to and fro around the house in order to prepare the decoration for the Christmas tree.
"Stacy's coming over to help us decorate it," Sara spoke quickly. "Get something to eat," she said. "I prepared some cereal."
"Sara?" Tegan said. "How long have we been together?" Sara was too busy messing with the lights, but the question made her look at her wife, eyes questioning.
"Umm…?"
"Seriously, how long?"
"Well, two months before the breakup and about eleven months since we got back together. I'll say a year." Tegan was amused that Sara was actually answering the question in a serious tone. "Why?"
"So you probably know very well that I don't drink milk and I hate it?"
"Ugh." Sara rolled her eyes. "Asshole."
"Seriously, Sara, I tell you that every day."
"Fine, we have some chocolate chip cookies. Knock yourself out." Tegan's eyes widened. "Nah, no, you're allowed three. Only three. They're big and I baked them for when Stacy gets here. Please don't eat all of them."
Tegan was already walking towards the stairs, a smirk on her face. "I am pregnant."
"Come on," Sara shouted. "I've been baking since seven in the morning."
"The babies want some more."
"Five, Tegan. Only five."
"And coffee."
"One fucking cup." They were shouting back and forth because Tegan was already down and Sara couldn't see her any longer.
Stacy rang the doorbell while Tegan was having her breakfast in the kitchen. Tegan walked to the door to open it.
"Why didn't you enter from the kitchen's door?" she asked, a piece of cookie in her hand. Stacy pushed two boxes full of Christmas decoration inside.
"You should really stop leaving your garage door open. It isn't safe."
"We don't." Tegan held Ella's hand as the kid hugged her legs. "I think Sara opened it for you earlier."
"Anyway, the boxes are heavy. I didn't wanna walk to the back of the house to get to the door."
"Well, who's gonna take them upstairs?"
Stacy sighed, wiping her brow. "Fuck my life." The older woman had been quite irritable lately and everybody, including her, knew why.
"Come on. Go up there. I'll get Sara to help."
"Don't do anything stupid and don't touch them," Stacy threatened, going up with Tegan and Ella following behind.
"Just chill, will you? I'm not doing anything."
"Hey," Sara said from her place on the floor near the Christmas tree. "What's going on?"
"She's pissed," Tegan said. "Also, some boxes downstairs. Can you get them up or?"
"Yeah, sure." Sara's brows were furrowed as she inspected her scowling friend. Stacy sat down on the couch and closed her eyes. Tegan didn't want to say anything. The friend clearly seemed to be in a terrible mood. She talked to Ella quietly instead, asked her about her day and whether she had anything to eat or not.
Sara avoided Stacy, too. She brought the boxes to where they were sitting and joined Tegan and Ella on the floor as they separated the lights. Her wife used the bathroom every few minutes and it worried her. She asked Tegan about it, but Tegan just shrugged it off. She could remember using the bathroom frequently during her pregnancy but she could also tell when her wife seemed bothered; her facial expressions exposed her.
After her coffee, Stacy was finally willing to talk. She took off her jacket and joined them on the floor, yawning and rubbing her eyes. "I didn't sleep well."
"Why?" Sara asked. Tegan was in the bathroom.
"I don't know."
"Because she was crying," Ella said. Sara looked at the little child. Stacy glared at her daughter.
"Stacy," Sara whispered. She put a hand on her friend's lap. "Please talk to me."
"Sara, just leave it." She felt a little bit stupid crying about it. Just a little bit childish feeling sad. She wanted to reach Emy terribly but she also wanted to be chased, how idiotic. She was scared, too. Ella noticed. Ella asked her if Emy was her girlfriend. Yes, it was an innocent question. She said no. Ella seemed relieved. Was she never going to have any partners because of Ella? Because of her fear?
She also missed the soft kisses and the gentle touches. Even the sex, that one time, she really did miss it. She didn't know her body had wanted that much care until it was finally taken care of. And even though she rejected that, she craved for it after.
"I just…I don't know what to say." She looked up to see Tegan with a stunned face standing right in front of them. Her expression seemed concerned, her face confused.
"Tee?" Sara asked, also alarmed. "Is everything okay?"
Tegan nodded with a frown, sitting down. She shifted uncomfortably, Sara could tell.
"Tegan," Sara said more seriously that time, "Please tell me if there is something going on."
"No, there's nothing." Tegan sighed. "I mean, I don't think it has to do with the pregnancy." She shook her head. "I don't even know."
"What is it?" Sara asked, the lines on her forehead becoming thicker as she squinted.
"I think I have, like, a weird rash or allergic reaction…down there?" She looked at her crotch. "I'm itching badly and it looks red and, well, I don't know, maybe it's because of the stupid discharge. It's disgusting."
Stacy's mouth opened up in realization as Sara thought with narrowed eyes and raised brows. "I think…" Stacy said.
"Oh…oh, I think you have a yeast infection," Sara completed her friend's sentence.
"Yeah, a yeast infection," Stacy confirmed.
"Wait. No," Tegan said, standing up. "No, no, no, I don't."
"It's fine, Tegan, everybody gets it," Stacy said.
"Especially when pregnant." Sara got up. "Can I see?"
"No," Tegan said. "No way. It looks disgusting."
"It's fine, Tegan, just let me make sure. Please."
"Where does it hurt?" Stacy asked.
"It doesn't hurt," Tegan exclaimed. "It itches and it burns."
"Inside or outside?" asked Stacy once again.
"Both." Tegan was beginning to tear up.
"Definitely a yeast infection," Stacy mumbled, looking at her friend. "What does it look like?"
Tegan didn't want to describe it. She looked at both women and the bewildered, ignorant toddler, but she didn't say anything. Sara could understand where her fear was stemming from; it was her first time getting a yeast infection. Sara recalled the first time she got it. She was with Katina. After a year together. She felt horrified as well, too embarrassed to tell her girlfriend about it. She didn't know what to do so she went to the doctor who gave her some oral pills. After that she was infected a few more times. She then realized that vaginal creams worked better on her. While pregnant, she suffered from it for awhile, and after the surgery two years ago, she had to deal with it once again. It was normal to her and to Stacy but it still made her feel uncomfortable so she understood Tegan. She didn't want to push her.
"What do I do?" Tegan whispered.
"I think you must get it looked at," Stacy suggested. "Somebody has to see it, Tegan. A doctor if you don't want Sara to do it." Tegan looked at her wife, hesitant and insecure. Sara wasn't sure whether Stacy was trying to simply help her or just trying to manipulate her into letting her show her wife the infection. Whatever it was, it worked because Tegan caved in and asked her wife to go to the bathroom with her.
"Just a warning," Tegan took a deep breath, "it looks disgusting."
Sara chuckled. "I know how they look too well." Sara pulled down the sweatpants. Tegan wasn't wearing any underwear. "Oh, wow." Sara looked up at her wife. Tegan's lips quivered. "How long have you been hiding it?"
"Umm, I noticed it yesterday when I was trying to shave. I mean the itch started two days ago, I just didn't pay it much attention. Once I rubbed it, it increased. Is it a yeast infection?" Sara nodded, inspecting. "Hey, hey," Tegan shouted, pushing Sara's hand off her parts. "No, don't put your finger inside."
"I was just trying to see it from the inside."
"You didn't even wash them," Tegan exclaimed. "I don't wanna get more infections.
"It's a vaginal infection not just on the outside." Tegan seemed confused. "I mean it happens on the inside. Your inside is infected, your vagina, not just the outer parts and the lips."
Tegan groaned. She had often heard about that thing but never understood it. She didn't know what she should do next. She really didn't want to go to the doctor and get her vagina probed and examined.
"Now what?" she asked.
"Now we get you a cream to use and you'll be fine in few days." Sara stood up, smiling. "Let me wash my hands and run to the store." Tegan took a deep breath behind her wife. Sara felt terrible, the pregnancy was starting to show its awful side, not that it was ever nice. Tegan didn't have a nice pregnancy like those women in the movies, but she could relate, too; her pregnancy was a burden as well. That's why she worried. Stacy told her that her pregnancy wasn't beautiful as well, which was a relief because it meant not every terrible pregnancy resulted in a heart-wrenching loss.
"I'll go get Monistat," Sara announced as she walked into the living room with her wife.
"So it's a yeast infection?" Tegan nodded with a sigh. She sat down on the floor next to Ella. "Get the 7 days one," Stacy ordered. "The one day cream won't work."
"Yeah, I know."
"Get the cream not the ovule one. It might not be safe for the babies."
"Okay," Sara said. "Do you want anything else, Tegan?"
"No." Tegan was too uncomfortable to even look up. She toyed with the lights and avoided looking at Stacy. Stacy was talking to Ella, probably distracting her from noticing the topic of the moment. They were talking about Christmas presents, exchanging ideas.
"No, of course you can't tell Tegan what's her present. It has to be a surprise," Stacy said in a motherly tone. Tegan looked up, smiling even though her eyes were teary. "Tegan, do you want to know what Ella's present is?"
"I want it to be a surprise," she said. Ella frowned. "Well, do you want me to tell you about your gift?" She hadn't bought anything yet, but Sara promised she'd shop for the two of them soon enough.
"Yes!" chanted the little girl.
"Ella," Stacy warned.
"Please," she begged.
"Well, Ella, what is it that you want most for Christmas?" Tegan asked.
Ella pretended to think, making her mother chuckle with a little eye-roll. "From you I want…I want crayons." She scratched her head with her index and looked to the side. It was amusing. "And from Sasa a new coloring book." That was easy, Tegan thought. "And from mummy...a new baby." Stacy started coughing.
"Oh, wow, and I thought the kid's demands were easy." Tegan ruffled her hair. "Ella, we'll have two babies soon."
"I want a sister." Ella shrugged, frowning.
"We discussed this, Ella." Stacy was kind, Tegan could observe. She put her daughter in her lap and stroked her hair. "I can't get you a baby because I don't have a partner. A baby needs a mum and a dad."
"But…Sasa and Tegum are two mums."
"Uh, oh." Tegan dreaded that topic. She wouldn't even be able to explain it to a child. She wondered how Stacy was going to elaborate. Stacy seemed astounded, too. She wavered on her sentence till she let it out.
"W…well, they are two mommies. I'm one mommy. Two mommies can get the help of a man to give them a baby. It's science. It works like magic. I am all alone, though, I can't have another baby."
"What about…" Ella seemed to think about the possibilities. Tegan was impressed. "What about Emy?" Ella jumped up. "Emy, Emy…she can be…a mum with you so you can get me a sister." Ella clapped, her innocence reflected in behavior. Tegan looked deeply into the older woman's eyes, she could see the harbored sadness but she could also see the thin thread of hope that just made the dull ocean livelier and much lighter in color. Stacy's lips parted and the pink seemed enticing as Tegan inspected, she was indeed beautiful.
"Ella," Stacy whispered. "What do you want for Christmas?" Stacy smiled. "Something that doesn't need nine months to be prepared." Ella laughed loudly as if it was the funniest joke ever, Tegan was surprised Ella understood it. "Come on, El."
"I want you to make a cake and…I want chocolate milk, lots of it. I want a big teddy like the one Tegan has and I want new shoes."
"Whoa, whoa," Tegan said. "All of that from your mum and only crayons from me? I'll get you some of that, too."
"It's fine," Stacy whispered and winked.
The conversation was light until Ella was too tired to carry on and just gave up on the decoration. She ended up resting on the couch with her thumb in mouth, watching old music videos from the eighties. Tegan searched in the nurse's eyes for something to be said but Stacy seemed stark mute, or perhaps too timid to confide in Tegan.
"Are you okay?" Stacy looked up in surprise. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Stacy shook her head, lips quivering. "Because I think you need to let it out."
"I don't know what to say," Stacy whispered.
"You can just say you want her."
"I do," she whispered again. She took a look at Ella then looked back at the younger woman. "I thought Ella didn't like her but now I'm just confused."
"Don't just think and assume," Tegan said. "You should talk to her. That's what she wants. She asked you to talk to her if you wanted her. The longer you wait, the worse it gets."
"But she was just…too dramatic. I just wanted to take it slow, I didn't mean it in the way she understood it."
"But you didn't explain it to her after." Tegan shrugged. "Look, I know her. She's sensitive, she jumps to conclusions. She has feelings for you and she's mourning alone at her place." Stacy nodded. "I don't want her to spend Christmas this miserable."
"Why didn't she visit her parents?" Tegan shrugged. "Things at home aren't…"
"No, since her brother died, things at home aren't good." Tegan sighed. "Jeremy's away and I'm celebrating Christmas with you and Sara. She'll be alone if you don't talk to her. Please don't do that to her if you actually like her. It wouldn't make you less of a person to just talk to her."
"I know, I know." Stacy shook her head. "I was just scared. It's hard with Ella around, Tegan." Stacy paused. "I mean, yes, those were her fears; that I put my daughter first, but of course I will. You'll understand soon. You'll put your kids before Sara, trust me."
Tegan doubted that, but she nodded anyway.
"I wanted Ella's approval. I wanted Ella to like who I'm with and it didn't seem like she did but now what she just said…I guess I'll talk to her about it tonight. She understands well."
"Yeah." Tegan sighed. "This motherfucker is so fucking annoying." She shifted around.
"Aww, it is," Stacy said with a half smile. "It will heal, don't worry."
When Sara came back, she demanded to show Tegan how to apply the cream. Tegan refused at first until Stacy advised that Sara should do it for her. Sara was a bit pissed off that Tegan only listened to her friend. Was it because she was a nurse? Sara wondered. Tegan was too shy and uncomfortable as Sara was showing her how to use it. After they were done, Tegan was in heavy tears. Sara hugged her but the younger woman was not easily consoled. They decorated the tree with Stacy. Sara and her friend did most of the work, actually. Tegan lazed around on the couch and then talked to her mother. It reminded Sara to talk to hers, it reminded her of the panic she felt the day before. She texted her mother but she didn't get a response until late at night. Her mother told her she booked an appointment after Christmas. Sara freaked out. She dialed up her mother in the middle of the night.
"You woke me up," Evelyn said, taking heavy breaths.
"Why after Christmas?" Sara asked, confused and angry. Tegan was not in the mood to calm her down. She lay on her pillow and faced the other side. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"There are no appointments right now," said Evelyn. "Anyway, the bleeding is much less today. I think it's just a bad period, probably hitting menopause just now." The mother chuckled. "I hope it ends already."
"Mum, this is not funny. Nothing to laugh about," Sara exclaimed.
"Why are you so scared?"
"How can you ask me that?" Sara shouted.
"Honestly, Sara, why?" Evelyn's tone was serious all of a sudden. "So what if I die? Is there anything I'm living for?" Sara was taken aback by her response. "I don't even have anyone in here."
Sara couldn't answer that. She didn't. Tegan looked back. She eyed Sara with narrowed lids; she must have heard.
You have me, just tell her. I love you and I want you beside me. She simply couldn't. Why? She felt the words but couldn't pronounce them.
"Mum," she tried. She really tried. "Please don't do this." But she couldn't say anything more.
"I have to go to sleep," disappointment was loud in the mother's tone. "Goodnight, Sara."
"Goodnight, mum. I…I…" Evelyn disappeared before Sara could utter her love.
Sara slept with tears in her eyes, too.
Stacy dropped Ella the next morning to go seek Emy's forgiveness. She arranged what she would say all night long. She even read about it, about how to deal with a younger lover, how to deal with a woman in her early twenties. She felt idiotic. Anyone would make fun of her. She even woke up at dawn to bake some sugary goodness.
When she knocked on the door the first time, nobody responded. She had to knock again and again, knowing Emy was inside since she had asked Tegan make sure earlier. Emy appearing at the door a moment later felt horrifying…in a good way. For the first time ever, she was as disheveled as it could be. Her loose grey tank-top revealed a bit too much. Clearly, no bra sheltered her breasts. Her hair looked the same as the boy Stacy had once dated in high school. Stacy wanted to laugh but she didn't. Emy's eyes were swollen, cheeks were red.
When she saw her, she rolled her eyes and almost closed the door. She didn't. "What do you want?" she asked, yawning.
"Can I come in?" Stacy asked nicely. Emy walked away, waving for the woman to follow. Stacy was surprised by the gesture but she followed, closing the door behind. She wasn't sure whether to lock it or not because Emy was long gone into the bedroom. Stacy locked it.
She left the brownies she had baked outside, in the living room, then followed the woman inside her cold, messy bedroom.
"God." Stacy took a deep breath. If she would just open the blinds, get some light inside the room. Perhaps open the window, perhaps pick up the clothes on the floor, maybe even dust the furniture.
Emy didn't even bother responding, she buried her face under the duvet and pretended, or so Stacy thought, to continue her sleep. God, she hated those dramatic actions. Sara was as dramatic in her teenage years and early twenties. She remembered it too well. Stacy wasn't at all. She took a deep breath, though; she wasn't about to judge the younger woman and poke fun of her the way she had done with her friend years ago. It was mean. It wasn't funny. It wasn't nice.
Instead, she kicked off her boots and joined the younger woman inside the covers. She could tell that Emy was crying.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. She reached Emy's arm. It was cold.
"Don't touch me." Emy flinched.
"I'm sorry." Emy didn't respond. "I came here to tell you that I…I want you in my life and in…in Ella's life." Emy didn't respond again. She could hear the soft weeping, though. "I know I took too long but you have to understand me, Emy. I have a daughter and, you were right, she's my priority. She has to know who I'm seeing; she has to like that person." Stacy sighed. "I like you and Ella does, too."
Emy sniffled.
"I didn't push you away because I didn't want you, I was just scared. When you touched me, I just felt…I don't really know. Like it was wrong. It also reminded me of the last time I had sex. It wasn't good to me."
"I'm sorry," Emy whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
Stacy was surprised. So sweet, so innocent. She tried to touch Emy but didn't want to get yelled at. She wanted to look at her but the younger woman had her face buried in the pillow.
"Look at me," Stacy asked. Emy obliged. Her eyes were so charming; she could stare at them for hours. "I want to explore this with you. I'm glad…we were brought together. I want it. I've been sad and now that I'm here, I feel much better." Emy nodded. "I'm sorry." Emy nodded again. "Say something."
"I want you to be my girlfriend." Emy was forward. She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "And don't treat me the way Sara treats Tegan."
"How does she treat her?"
"Like her child." Emy wrinkled her nose. "It's annoying. Tegan loves it. I don't."
Stacy chuckled. "I won't."
"So don't go baking for me whenever I'm sad. I'm not a kid."
"I bake for everyone when they're sad," Stacy said sweetly. "Sweets make people feel better."
"Well, not me." Emy sat up. "What makes me feel better is communication and actual talk."
"Alright." Stacy sat up, too, looking at the woman beside her. "I want you to be my girlfriend, too." She blushed; she knew Emy could see it. She had never imagined herself saying that since her breakup from her husband.
Stacy wanted to spend the day with the younger woman so she asked Sara to babysit Ella. Sara didn't say no but she wasn't in the mood to babysit anyone. Tegan wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone and Ella was extra hyper that day. Stacy could have brought Ella to Emy's place so they could bond more, but she wanted to bond with Emy first. They talked all day. They stayed in bed and only got up to use the bathroom or to grab a snack. Emy was carefree and Stacy liked that about her, the utter opposite of herself and of Sara. When Stacy kissed her, Emy didn't want it to go further, not until both of them were one hundred percent ready. She didn't want mind games. She wasn't ready for them.
Tegan cried as she Skyped with her mother. She complained about her situation. The mother only listened without saying much. Sara was there in the background again. What could she do, anyway?
"It happens," the mother whispered, "to everyone."
"I'm just tired." Tegan sobbed. "I am constipated all the time. I am fat. I can't even shave. I hate myself." Sara didn't know what to do. Sonia was going to think she's a bad wife just sitting there without providing any comfort, but she had had enough whining since the morning, plus her own mother's issue still lingered in her mind. She thought about calling a dozen times but never did.
"Nobody told you to get pregnant," the mother's scorching response glided itself through Sara's nerves, causing her to erupt from her seat and hide far away in a different room. Tegan noticed it very well. She couldn't respond to her mother. No response was going to fire back because her mother fully intended to send that message to the woman seated behind her.
"God, I'm just complaining. Like, just letting it all out," Tegan decided to say.
"Why to me? God, stop whining to me. What am I gonna do about it? Why do you not tell that to your friends or wife?"
"I do," Tegan shouted. "You're impossible." She huffed. "You never listen to me, I swear."
"Tegan, grow up." She saw her mother looking at her watch. "I have to go anyway. I have to run some errands." Tegan knew it was a lie.
Sara was reading a story for Ella when she received the strangest text message from Sonia:
"Call me whenever Tegan isn't around."
Her heart drummed beneath her chest. Her mind prepared for disaster. Her fingers shook as she scrolled down her contact list. Tegan wasn't around. She decided to take a nap an hour ago after the chat.
The phone call began normal. Sonia greeted Sara normally while Sara awaited with a beating chest. She bit her lower lip and looked at the child seated next to her with dread in her eyes.
"Why is my daughter whining to me?" Sonia asked. "Why does she still do that? Does she do it with you, too?"
Sara let out a long breath, closing her eyes. Seriously?! "Umm…yeah?" Sara thought a little then continued, "I mean she's always done it. She just complains. Like, that's who she is."
"I know that, I'm her mother." Why was she calling then? Sara wondered. "I'm just worried. She's too attached. Can you, like, not let her talk to me when she's about to complain? I've had enough, honestly. It's annoying and she won't quit this habit."
What the fuck?!
"Uh…it's just that she's a bit attached to you."
"I know. It's not good. She's about to be a mother herself."
"So?"
"Sara, you don't have to listen to her complaining. I've been teaching her my whole life that not everything demands a tantrum, panic, anxiety or excessive complaints. It drives people away."
Seriously?!
Sara didn't even know what to say.
"Unless she's in a terrible state right now…is she?"
"N…no, it's just that this is the first time she, uh, you know, suffers a yeast infection and it's bothering her. All the new pregnancy issues, they're bothering her. The…increase in weight, her breasts getting bigger, constipation. It's just a normal thing. I've been through that."
"Yeah, exactly, everyone who decided to get pregnant has." Sonia paused. Sonia was a lot like her mother. Were all mothers mean like that? Were she and Tegan just too nice? "No need to complain about it."
Tegan just wanted someone to listen, Sara concluded. She didn't discuss it further with the older woman, though. It was hard getting to her. She wasn't liked that much by Sonia, especially when it had to do with her daughter's comfort and happiness. It's true that Tegan could get on someone's last nerves with her whining, but Sara has gotten used to it. If Tegan didn't whine about the most minor details, something would be wrong. Sara didn't even understand why Tegan sought her mum in the first place. Perhaps because she missed her, Sara thought. What if she wasn't providing enough comfort and love? She had promised herself that when Tegan got pregnant, she would be the gentlest partner on earth. It was hard sometimes, but she tried.
When Tegan woke up, Sara decided she would tell her about her mother. Tegan walked out to the living room with a fresh face. A lopsided smile adorned her face, which seemed tricky. Sara couldn't guess her moods anymore.
"I love that pillow more than I love anything else," Tegan said. She sat next to Ella on the couch. Sara sat on a lounge chair with a book in her hand.
"You love it more than me?" the older woman teased.
"Right now I love it more than you."
"What about me?" Ella jumped. Tegan chortled.
"Oh, no, not you." Tegan kissed her head.
"How does everything feel?" Sara questioned.
"You mean…" Sara nodded before Tegan could continue.
"It's kinda…better?" Sara grinned. "Thank you."
"For what?" Sara whispered.
"For everything." Tegan looked down at her hands. "I know what my mum said today kinda upset you." Sara shook her head with a soft laugh. "Then why did you get up immediately?"
"It's just…sometimes I feel like it's my fault that you're in this pain." Sara shrugged.
"No. It isn't." Tegan sighed. "Just ignore her. She can be evil. When she used to do that, I used to cry a lot. Thank God I have you now."
Sara sighed. "She's not evil, she's just…" She sighed again. "She called me today."
"Really?" Tegan's brow rose up. "Why?"
"She asked me why do you still complain and I should help you stop it?" Sara chuckled. "And told me that if you have to complain, I shouldn't let you talk to her because you need to stop doing that." Tegan rolled her eyes, but her wife could see that she was tearing up. "I just…didn't know what to say to her. I didn't wanna argue much but I didn't wanna shut up. I don't know." Sara shrugged. "She changed the subject to preparing the nursery later and it was just too hard to listen to her complaining about how late we are with preparations because she was just preaching about hating when you complained before."
"That's my mum," Tegan whispered. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that." Sara got up. She took a seat next to Tegan, squeezing her between herself and Ella. "She's just like my mum. Not a single difference, which makes me worry."
"About what?" Tegan looked into the eyes of her lover. Sara's breaths hit her face. They smelled of coffee.
"Us turning like them."
"No," Tegan exclaimed with wide eyes. "I'd never be my mother."
"We have to listen to our girls," Sara whispered so Ella wouldn't hear. They hadn't informed their friends yet. They decided to do it over Christmas. "Make sure their needs are met, that they are happy, that nothing's bothering them."
"Exactly." Tegan yawned. "We have to accept them as they are."
"Yeah," Sara agreed, ready to kiss her wife when Ella surprised both by climbing up on Tegan's lap. "Oh, hey, hey," Sara said loudly. "You're gonna hurt her." She picked up Ella and put her on her lap.
"It's fine, Sara," Tegan whispered. Ella was clearly jealous, seeking attention. "She didn't hurt me."
"I wanna feel the babies," Ella said. She extended her arms to put her hands above the swollen belly. "When are they gonna come?" Ella asked.
"In few more months," Tegan answered, smiling.
"No," Ella said. "Your tummy is huge," Ella shouted. "They will come next week." Sara guffawed loudly.
"And how do you know, El?" Sara questioned.
"Because it's huge." Tegan sighed. "Why is your heart making loud sounds?" Ella questioned. Tegan could feel the palpitations, but they were normal. She put her hand beneath her chest. Sara did, too. Sara's face looked concerned.
"It's fine," Tegan said. "It's happening a lot lately."
Sara knew that, but she was still concerned. "Please tell me if something is abnormal." Tegan nodded with a smile. "Dinner?"
"Yes, please. I'm starving."
"Me, too." Ella jumped off Sara's lap, ready to run downstairs with the two women.