I am Kairi Matsui...
I am Kairi Matsui...and I wish I wasn't.
I wish...I didn't know who I was at all.
Kairi sat awake in bed, late at night.
A thin photo album on her lap.
She'd gone against every urge inside her to shred and burn the thing to ashes, and she'd brought it home with her. Along with that little cookbook, too...
Sora had questioned it - Xion had questioned it - even Riku had questioned it.
And then, on returning home, how she must have looked, how quiet and reserved she'd been...dad had asked, too.
Kairi hadn't answered a single one of them.
She had gone up to her room, and she had stayed there all afternoon. Dad had come up to give her some dinner - tried to talk to her - but she had just...well, made it clear she wanted to keep being alone for now.
Xion had come up, a few hours later, for bed. Kairi was glad her sister hadn't tried asking anything again.
Not that normal Xion would have, would she?
Hence the gratitude...
Kairi bowed her head, gazing down at the album, lit by moonlight.
Her search for answers wasn't over. Not yet.
She knew where she had to go to really, truly get the answers she still sought after: she had to go to Twilight Town.
She had to know...and there was only one person in all the worlds who could help her gain that knowledge.
The one who had already seen who knew how many personal, embarrassing, mortifying, painful memories in her Heart. And not just hers - Sora's, Riku's, and others too. Like Luxu...and his ancient, twisted past that was still unfathomable to Kairi...
But to the one who had literally seen it all in the man...to that girl...it wasn't.
And to that girl...because of that girl...
That girl would be able to find the answers within Kairi's Heart, as well.
To make the things Kairi couldn't understand...make some sort of sense.
She had to.
All Kairi had to go off of, was that Namine, Roxas and Luxu had all made reference to "living outside of town", according to Master Aqua, Terra, and Ven. A way to keep the magic and Nobody business (among other things) discrete and secret from Twilight Town's citizens.
But she had ways to make use of that information.
She went all around Twilight Town, asking about the three of them - introducing herself as Namine's "twin sister, visiting from afar."
She got no answers, no real help - until...she came to a shop in Tram Commons.
A young woman with golden hair, who had told Kairi she knew Namine and Roxas well - that they came for ice cream daily. They'd talked, too. Small talk, mostly. But...Namine had told the woman she lived out of town - and had pointed off in a certain direction.
That was the direction the woman pointed out to for Kairi.
Kairi had thanked her, and gone out in that direction. Her only lead.
She walked the grassy hills, searching the many, scattered houses dotting the landscape. She went up to each one, knocking and hoping.
After eight houses, she trudged up a steep hill of green to a house at the top.
She knocked, and waited.
The door opened, and a familiar figure stood gazing down at her with surprise.
A single eye of brown. A scarred face. Long, greying black hair behind him.
Except the man no longer wore a black coat of the Organization: instead he had on simple black clothes, with a long coat over it all.
"Eh...Hey...?" Luxu spoke, regathering himself. "Something going on? What's with the surprise visit?"
"I need to talk to Namine - I need her help," Kairi said bluntly. "Is she here?"
Luxu gazed down at her a moment, silent. Gauging her. Examining her. Then he nodded, stepping away, and giving an extravagant gesture into the house. "Yeah, she's home - come on in."
Kairi stepped inside, her eyes sweeping through the house. It was nice - polished. Modern. Maybe even a little more advanced than the islands, as far as tech development went. And construction methods. Not that she knew much about it - but she'd been to so many places and seen so much now, she had a rough idea of where the worlds stood in comparison to each other...
The big, flat rectangle of a television in the living room was a pretty big indicator. It was far sleeker and more compact than anything the islands had (their TV's and computer screens were big, bulky boxes).
Luxu led Kairi up a flight of stairs, to the second floor. He stopped before a closed door on the right. First door. He gave a small knock, clearing his throat. "Hey - princess - you'd better be all decent in there before I open the door this time. Especially since you've got yourself a visitor."
"A visitor? Who?" came the high, excited voice. Followed by some banging and clattering noises. A pause. Then- "Okay - I'm dressed now."
Luxu gave a little snort, a roll of his eye, but then he slowly pushed open the door. "It's your mom - say hi."
"You actually called her my mom?!" came the louder, excited tones now as the door opened fully. Namine stood there, wearing a short blue nightdress, her hair let loose down her shoulders. Her identical blue eyes found Kairi's, and a wide smile came over her face. Her pale face...and those blue eyes...
Kairi glanced away, unable to help herself in that moment.
"Listen, Namine, Kairi here says she needs your help with something." Luxu regarded Kairi once more, speculative. "Though, whatever it is, she'd probably do better to ask me..."
"No," Kairi said simply. "I need Namine's memory powers - that's not something you can do for me. Only she can."
"My powers?" Namine said, staring. "What do you need from me? Is there something you can't remember?"
Kairi forced herself to look at the girl (it wasn't her fault). "In a way - yes. I..." She glanced at Luxu, then sighed and pressed on. "I went to Radiant Garden for the first time yesterday - since we took down Maleficent, I mean. And while I was there...I looked into...some things about my past. From when I was little, when I used to live there with my grandmother. I found my birth certificate, and...adoption papers. And- and I found my home. Her home. And while I was there..." She reached into her bag, pulling out the photo album and flipping it open. Holding it out in her palms. "I found this."
Namine stepped forward, gazing down at the first picture on the first page. Her eyes were wide with wonder.
Luxu took a look at it, too. "That you...? And that woman would be your...birth mother, I'm assuming?" he said slowly.
"That's right," Kairi nodded. She offered the album to Namine, who took it carefully, gently. "The adoption papers were signed by my grandmother...barely even a month after my birth. And in the photos...my mother...there aren't many of her, and she... I don't have any memories of her. I didn't even know her name, or why I was living with grandma...until yesterday. And there are still so many questions I have now that need answering. No, more than ever before. But the main one is this: why wasn't she in my life? Why did she give me up after only a few weeks of giving birth to me?" She looked at Namine intently. "Can you help me - please? Can you...do whatever you do...and look inside my Heart? Find-"
"Find what?"
"Her." Kairi reached out and tapped the photo. "Her name is Rynn Matsui. My grandmother was Nora Matsui. And I was born Kairi Matsui. I need you to find...conversations, references, anything about- a reason why she disappeared, why she's not- a sickness, an illness, maybe, or depression, or- drugs- or- something, anything! Please. I just need a reason...I need to know why..."
"Alright, look, this is some heavy stuff, and I don't think you should just come over here and dump it all on Namine," Luxu spoke suddenly. "You want her help finding out about your mom, great. But give her time to think it over-"
"I'll help!" Namine said firmly.
"Princesssss..." Luxu drew the word out, glaring at her slightly.
"Luuuxuuuu..." she imitated, glaring back up at him with fierce blue eyes. "Kairi's my mom, and I want to help her. I've been helping Skuld this whole time - you said yourself I've been doing great!"
Luxu gave an absent nod, his gaze flickering down to the photo again. His lips curved into a frown. "I know, I know. But this...it could be something different. Very different. And I don't want you being- exposed to- whatever might have gone on back then, in this woman's life. You're still so young, you can't understand it. But Kairi can..." He glanced at Kairi, at that, with disapproval, and maybe even a little bit of anger.
Kairi held the man's gaze, defiant as Namine. "I know what I might be asking her to see - to learn. I've thought about it for hours upon hours, all last night, and all day today, as well. The possibilities, the reasons why...But she's the only one who can help me. She's the only one who can do this. If you have some special, super ancient memory magic at your disposal, I'll happily let you do it in her stead. But..."
Luxu sighed, reaching up to brush at his hair. He looked away a moment, his mouth tightening. "Your power's range is potentially limitless, isn't that right, princess...?" he spoke to Namine, with a sidelong look.
"It always has been," Namine confirmed, proud. "Back when I was first born, I was accessing everyone's memories from worlds apart, remember?"
"Yeah...exactly." Luxu sighed again. "And with the both of you arguing in favor of this operation, I'm doubly sure I'm not going to win this discussion. So, all right. You two can do this together. Just...be careful, in more ways than the obvious. And if anything goes wrong, for either of you two, I'm right downstairs, okay?"
"Okay," Namine said simply, smiling at him with pure affection.
"Okay...Good luck, then." Luxu flushed, then turned and walked away down the stairs.
"Come on - we can do it on my bed," Namine said brightly, turning away to race into the room.
Kairi stepped in - and stumbled as she took in her surroundings.
It looked like a fictional serial killer's lair or something - not that she would ever have told Namine that.
Nearly every inch of every wall - and the ceiling - was covered in papers. Drawings! Sketches. From floor to ceiling. A closet door was covered in papers as well.
There was a massive wardrobe in a corner, and a big artsy desk and chair, which was full of all kinds of artist materials and tools. There was also a little device and a scattering of thin discs there that looked like they belonged in a computer.
Up against one wall, there was a big, thin television, like the one downstairs.
Kairi watched Namine bounce her way to the blue bed and jump onto it, rolling and flipping about without a care (in more ways than one - Kairi rolled her eyes behind the girl's back). Kairi followed her over, sitting down on the bed too. The pair of them sat cross-legged, facing one another.
Namine leaned over to pick up a pencil and a sketchbook off her nightstand, setting it on her lap, propped open. She raised her head and looked into Kairi's eyes.
Kairi flushed, glancing down into her own lap. "Okay, so how does this work?" she asked. "How do you do this?"
"I just...do it," Namine replied. She paused. Then- "You never noticed me in there before, right?"
"No..."
"No one ever does," said the girl, simple and factual. "You don't feel it - it won't hurt you. But Hearts are...hard to sort through. Memories and feelings - it takes time. It might take a few visits for me to find anything for you..."
Kairi tried to smile. "I understand - just do your best, please. Just...try. However long it takes, however many times I have to come back here. I have to know..."
Namine frowned, looking strange for a moment. Then she nodded. "I'll try. Just...relax? Try not to think about anything - it could pull me in another direction than what I'm...supposed to be looking for."
"Alright," Kairi nodded seriously. "I'll do my best."
"And try not to talk or anything, either - breaking my focus would be worse," Namine added.
Kairi giggled, rolling her eyes now plainly for the other girl to see. "I'll be as quiet as a mouse, okay? Just...let's do this."
"Okay..." Namine's eyes glazed over, her whole body relaxing. Her mind...being transported somewhere else...
Places Kairi couldn't fathom.
The depths of her own Heart...
For many minutes on end, Kairi just...sat there.
She was half tempted to make a joke about whether or not it was even working.
But she knew better.
Or, Namine knew better. They were her powers after all.
Kairi just had to be patient...and trust in them. In her.
Minutes ticked on, and on - Kairi glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw it had been about half an hour...
"Okay, Namine, I don't think this is-"
Namine suddenly startled, blinking quickly. She stared at Kairi, who stared back at her. Her expression was...troubled. "It was working," the girl stated quietly. "It helps to know what I'm looking for. It really helps. It made things easy."
"So you- you saw something - you found something?" Kairi asked.
Namine bit her lip - in the exact same way Kairi would have. It was still so...striking, to see her own face making such familiar expressions and tics while not being in front of a mirror. "I'm not sure...Um..."
"Tell me," Kairi urged.
Namine blinked rapidly again, then gripped her pencil and began to draw. To sketch, quick and casual and expertly. As she continued speaking. "Your...grandmother - she was talking to your mom. They were- fighting..."
"About what?"
"You..." Namine whispered. "She- um...she said some things..."
"What things?" Kairi demanded, irritated now. Angry. Impatient. "Just tell me, okay? I can handle whatever it is-"
"She said she didn't want you."
"What...?"
"She said she didn't want to take care of you-"
"No, what did you say the first time?" Kairi snapped. "You said 'she didn't want you.'"
"You were right - she was sick - and she wasn't happy, and she couldn't-"
"Don't make excuses for a memory - and probably even a dead woman!" Kairi interjected. "Just tell me the facts - don't go dressing it all up to try to make me feel any better about this! Because I already feel awful!"
Namine looked down into her sketchbook, gripping its edges tightly. Her face twisted, her lips pressing... "Sorry..." she whispered.
Kairi sighed. "No, I'm sorry - okay? I just...I need you to tell me how things are, that's all. Tell me straight, tell me...exactly how things went. If it upsets me, then - that's just how it goes. Because this has all...been upsetting from the beginning. Okay?"
"Okay...I'm sorry..."
"Hey - no - it's okay. I'm sorry!"
"I need to finish this drawing and then I'll try again," Namine said quickly.
"That's fine. Thank you...Namine..."
"Sure..."
Well...now Kairi felt truly awful...
She watched Namine, as the minutes ticked by again. Once Namine had finished her drawing, she flipped to a fresh page and looked to Kairi again. And she hesitated.
"What's wrong?" Kairi asked.
"I can do this better for you," Namine spoke. "I can do more than just look at them and tell you about them. I think I should; I might have all those memories from your life, and Sora's, and Riku's, and even Luxu's, but I've just looked at them - like watching things on my TV there." She raised a hand to gesture to the flat TV screen in her room. "No matter how much I look, I could never understand it like you do. Like Luxu does. Even if I feel what you feel...I never lived it, and it was never mine. But you...if you could see it too...you'd probably understand it better than me. You'd...pick up on things I really can't. Because I haven't lived like you have...like Luxu has."
"You mean you can actually show me...?" Kairi breathed.
Namine nodded. "Yes. I did it for Luxu, before. When we fought. It was how I convinced him to abandon his Master's stupid plans, to see how it was all just..." She shook her head, blushing. "He...was able to look back on it all differently. He's told me that. That seeing it 'from the outside' really helped him to realize..."
"A different perspective," Kairi agreed, nodding back. "It usually does help for people to step back and see things from a different viewpoint - a neutral standpoint."
"I guess," Namine shrugged. "But...when I did it for Luxu...it really upset him. He was so...it hurt him. I hurt him, showing him all of that. He's told me not to feel bad about it, that it was what he needed at the time, but I still can't stop feeling sorry I did that to him. And I don't really want to see you that way too...I don't want to be the person who makes you feel so much pain like that..."
Kairi shook her head now, brushing at her hair. She leaned forward and grasped Namine's wrist. "I'll tell you the same thing, then, Namine: don't feel sorry about it. Not for him, and not for-"
Namine's whole being suddenly flickered, the air itself warping around her, distorting her image.
Kairi released her with a gasp of pure horror, scrambling back from the girl. "I'm s-sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't- I forgot- I-!" she exclaimed.
Namine sat there, flickering and vibrating, staring down at her own hands with wide, blue eyes and a gaping mouth. Panic, horror...and then it all stopped. It stabilized. The girl patted at herself, roamed her hands up and down her arms - and then she let out a breath of overwhelming relief. "I'm fine now," she told Kairi. "I'm fine! See?"
Kairi slowed her own breathing, sitting there for a long minute. Her body was still trembling. Her Heart still pounding.
"What were you saying before?" Namine asked, like she hadn't just started to- to fade from existence- to- be absorbed into Kairi's- because of Kairi!
"I...just that- this is what I need, too. It's what I want..." Kairi said, halting, still trying to regain her composure. "No matter how much it hurts...I have to see it. I have to know. I have to...understand. So, just do it, and don't worry about a thing, okay? I promise you I won't be mad at you, or upset with you afterwards. I need this, like Luxu needed it."
"Okay..." Namine joined both hands in her lap as she sat back. "I'll do it for you. Try to relax...and I'll - lead you through it. From thread to thread, memory to memory..."
Kairi took a deep breath, as a sudden sense of dread seized her Heart. "Right. Go for it. I'm ready."
That was the biggest lie she'd told in a while now, wasn't it?
She was terrified.
But Namine didn't wait for her.
Kairi felt some strange sensation shoot through her Heart, something thrummed in her skull - and then the world around her changed in a flash of white light...
AN: Next chapter is gonna wrap up Kairi backstory stuff! Then we can get some Namine and Roxas stuff, and then maybe some Elrena and Lauriam and Skuld and Strelitzia stuff over in Scala! :) And after that...we get to hop somewhere special! Muhahaha... xD I won't spoil it but...well, just recall how WP3 ended for a clue.