Catharsis

by poemsandroses

Catharsis is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. What happens if a parallel universe existed and gave both women another chance to restart what they have ended? This is the parallel ending to Halo.

35. I Am a Mother

Chapter's Content: Postpartum / Religion ( discussion about God and religion in general)

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She had been crying for over fifteen minutes. Sara cried softly beside her. Sonia was annoyed, or that's how she looked. When she woke up, the pain woke up with her. She moaned and whined despite the cheery and happy kisses and pats on her shoulder. Nobody in that room could feel the pain. Not only that, the embarrassment she endured was going to make her puke, or maybe that was just the pain. Nurses came and went every few minutes to check on her. She hated that feeling. Her dad looked at her, her brother and his wife, her mum, and Sara.

"It hurts so bad, mum," she cried. "Please make it stop."

Sara's tears ran. "Babe, it's alright," she said. "It will be better. Your uterus is getting back to its original form, that's why."

She asked for more pain medication but what she had taken was enough.

"Why does my vagina hurt?" she cried more. Her brother laughed. She glared at him. "Get the fuck out of here." Her sister-in-law and her father glared at her brother. "Get out," she screamed.

"Ted, leave," Sonia said angrily. Ted and Tanya left. Stephen seemed hesitant. "Stephen," said the mother. She nodded. He did, too. He left silently. "Tegan, stop making a scene."

"You don't fucking know how much it hurts."

"I'm the one who knows so well."

Sara was sitting at her feet, massaging as the doctor had recommended since it was good for the circulation.

What worried Sara the most was Tegan not asking about the babies. When Sara mentioned them, Tegan did not say anything. Sara asked if Tegan wanted to just take a look at them knowing too well she was too fatigued to hold them. Tegan screamed no. Sara started crying and hadn't stopped ever since.

"Why is there a tube in my vagina?" Tegan asked again. "Why do they keep checking it? I hate that. I hate them."

"It's a catheter for urine," Sonia said. "They're checking your blood flow to make sure everything is fine."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" she shouted at her wife. "Fuck you."

Sara looked up in shock. She remembered the pain of that moment, but she didn't remember herself being that aggressive. Though Sonia had warned her, she didn't think it was going to be that bad. Maybe Sonia knew her daughter better.

Sonia nodded at Sara. Sara tried to calm down and not say anything. She took a deep breath and kept massaging.

"Honey, they'll remove it soon. In few more hours. When they can make sure you can walk to the bathroom and pee."

"Why does my vagina hurt?" she cried again, pushing her head back.

"Because you kept pushing on the way here. You pushed way too much. It will be better."

"Everywhere hurts." She sniffled. "I'm gonna die." Sonia kissed her forehead, suppressing a smile only Sara could see. Her wife was truly dramatic.

"You're not gonna die," Sonia whispered, kissing her forehead again. "You're in perfect health right now."

Sara wanted to go there and comfort her, too. When she did so an hour before, Tegan pushed her away. She didn't push her mother, but she pushed her. More tears fell.

"Stop crying," Tegan said. "You're annoying." Sara looked up. She took a deep breath and got up. She left the room quickly. "What the fuck?"

"Why are you insulting her?" Sonia asked. "You've been yelling at her since last night, honey."

"I…" Tegan cried. "I don't know. Because I'm in pain." She cried more. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me." Sonia chuckled. "She's worried about you. That's why she's crying."

"I know," Tegan screamed. "I hate that she is."

"Whoa, calm down." Sonia could not handle such mood swings anymore. She had to put up with them when Tegan was a teenager but had completely forgotten how strong and terrible they could get. "Maybe you should sleep."

Tegan felt stuck. She couldn't quite tell what kind of feeling that was. It almost reminded her of that time she broke down in the bathroom. Usually when pain and anxiety hit her, she overreacted like that. She felt overwhelmed and suffocated. She also felt empty. She knew very well there were two small babies outside of that room and they both belonged to her. She knew eventually she would have to hold them and take care of them. She didn't want that. And she hated that she didn't want it. It made her upset. She felt confused. Her emotions were all over the place. The room spun and the pain increased rather than diminished.

Sara isolated herself in the same room as her infants. She stared at them as they slept. She made sure their breathing was stable and their heartbeats were normal. She took her phone out and scrolled through the numbers until she found her mother's. She sniffled and took a deep breath, ready to hit the button.

"Sara?" She looked up. Her mother-in-law was there. "Tegan wants to say sorry." Sonia came inside, a faint smile on her face. "You know that she didn't mean that, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Sara wiped her tears with a chuckle. She was scared they could wake up the babies. She didn't want that. She wanted to stay with Tegan for now. They agreed on taking shifts caring for the infants until Tegan could hold them or see them.

"She's overwhelmed."

"She feels like…" Sara sighed. "I think that...she thinks I'm responsible for her pain." Sonia stared at her for a bit and nodded. "Maybe."

"Maybe," Sonia said. She was supposed to tell her it was not true. Sara had forgotten Sonia felt that way. Sonia surely blamed her for her daughter's pain right then. "But…anyway…" Sonia stuttered. "Umm, Tegan's like that."

"I know."

"When she got her first period I asked her if she was okay and she told me to fuck off and go to hell." Sara opened her eyes widely. Sonia nodded with laughter. "She doesn't handle pain well." Sara could never curse at her mother when she was young.

"That was okay?" Sara asked. "For her to say?"

"I think when she's in too much pain she doesn't control her mouth." Obviously, Sara thought. "But I did rebuke her then. She cried and told me it hurt and it was my fault. I don't know how it was, but…that's my daughter." Sara giggled. That was just how Tegan was.

Sara was advised to eat something before she entered Tegan's room again. Tegan was alone when she got in there. She gave her a smile and Tegan smiled back. Finally.

Sara approached her but did not get too close. "How are you, love?" she asked quietly.

Tegan nodded.

"I know." Sara sat beside her and took her hand. "It's not a nice feeling. Remember when I talked about the aftermath of cesarean?" Tegan nodded quickly. "It's the worst."

"Sara?" Tegan asked groggily. "How did you bear this pain and then lose the baby afterward? How did you do it? How did you survive? How are you still here?"

Sara sat back. She pursed her lips and shrugged. "I guess…" She swallowed the growing lump in her throat. "I guess God did put some type of strength in me to go through that pain and continue living." She smiled genuinely. She had also suffered cancer, loss, and loneliness. But look at her now. Her sixteen-year-old self had dreamed of such life and such moments. "I did lose a baby, a uterus, a husband, a life…but I gained something better. I gained two babies. Very healthy and beautiful." She chuckled when her wife's cheeks reddened. "A gorgeous wife and a better home and a really supportive second family."

Tegan did not believe in God, but she did believe in the power that brought her wife out of the ashes. If there was a God, he surely loved Sara.

"Are they really beautiful?"

"Very beautiful." Sara smiled. "When you're ready, tell me to bring them." Tegan nodded. She was not ready. "I named them…I…"

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you to do that."

"But the first one is Scarlet and the second is Rose." Before Tegan could speak, Sara explained. "It just fit them."

"I trust you." She looked down at her fingers and imagined how her babies might look like. She wanted to see them terribly, but she knew if she did she might cry and depress herself. She was in too much pain to hold them anyway. "Do they have green eyes?" she wondered loudly.

Sara laughed. "I'm not sure."

"How?"

"It's not very visible yet. Their eyes are a bit dark and big. Eye color doesn't really show until they're a bit older."

"Oh." Tegan frowned and thought more. "Are they awake?"

"No, they're asleep. We fed…I fed them awhile ago and they've been sleeping since." Tegan's eyes sparkled through the weariness. Sara could see it.

"With a bottle?" Sara nodded. "Are they alone?" Sara wanted to hold her wife. She seemed concerned and it was endearing how much she asked despite the fact she claimed that she didn't want to see them.

"We're taking shifts caring for them. It's your dad's now. If they're hungry, he will feed them while I'm here."

Tegan's eyes widened. "Not Ted," she said. "Don't let him get near them."

Sara pushed her chair closer. Her wife was gorgeous even in her most disheveled states. She wanted to kiss her. She had never felt such attraction. She had never felt such love. How was that possible?

"Why not?" Sara asked.

"No." Tegan shrugged. "He's irresponsible."

"That's why Tanya will be with him." Tegan moaned. "Babe, he's your brother."

"I know but I don't trust him." Sara giggled. "How long am I going to stay here?"

"Maybe four days," Sara whispered with an apologetic smile. Tegan sighed and closed her eyes. "You can fall asleep, honey." Tegan nodded.

"Hold my hand," she mumbled. Sara did so. She kissed the knuckles and rubbed the hand. Her wife fell asleep after a few minutes. Nurses kept coming to check her temperature, heart, and health in general. Sara almost fell asleep on the chair until Sonia came in again and interrupted her.

"Dear, why don't you go home with Stephen and get changed?" Sara hesitated. "Get some clothes for the night and tomorrow." She might as well shower. She didn't want to leave Tegan alone, though.

"But…"

"Don't worry." Sonia nodded. "It won't take long. I'll sit here next to her."

Sara took the offer. She and Stephen went home. Stephen asked a few questions about his daughter on the way home. Sara asked whether her kids woke up. Stephen said they woke up when the doctor was checking on them. Sara's heart fluttered as she heard they both started crying at the same time. Stephen explained how he also found a difficulty feeding Scarlet unlike Rose who seemed very eager to be fed. He commented he had never struggled feeding Tegan, but he had while trying to put her to sleep when she was a toddler.

"She hated that. I would put her on my lap and sing to her. She would put her thumb in her mouth and close her eyes. I'd think she slept but she would just be pretending so she could get rid of me." Sara laughed. "I'd carry her to her room and put her there. I'd watch her and she would think I'm gone and then she'd open her eyes and stare in wonder. Just an hour later, we'd find her in our bed." He laughed at the memories.

"She doesn't fall asleep easily till now. It usually takes her about an hour to fall asleep." Stephen used to wonder if Tegan just didn't like people being around her and always sought for independence or. He always studied her behavior carefully. She was not a very touchy person. She was always pushing people who stood too close to her bubble. Two years before Tegan had explained to him how she's incapable of love or developing feelings except for her professor. Stephen wondered if it was because Tegan was so in love with her or because Sara was that perfect fit that Tegan could only be with and couldn't be with anybody else.

Sara excused herself to take a quick shower. She didn't want Stephen to wait too long for her. She just needed to feel clean. Her skin stung and she hadn't noticed it till she tried putting on a bra and tighter clothes. She almost cried and decided to go with a floral sundress instead of jeans and a shirt.

Stephen was waiting downstairs with a bag that contained clothes for his wife. He gasped a little bit when he witnessed the sunburn. "That's terrible."

"I know," Sara said. "Tegan has one, too."

"Wait, let me dig for some ointment for that." He walked to the kitchen to search but returned empty-handed. "Guess there isn't." He hummed. Or maybe he just didn't know where his wife hid all the drugs.

Sonia helped Tegan consume her first meal after the surgery. Tegan asked about Sara and her babies more than once. Sonia assured her that her twins were in good hands but Tegan demanded that her mother should go and check every few minutes. She knew that her brother and his wife lacked any experience when it came to babies.

Sara asked Tegan about the sunburn when she returned. "Oh…" Tegan nodded. "That's the sting in my shoulders." She wasn't able to tell between the physical pain and the sunburn. It was just too much.

Sara took her turn after Ted and Tanya to watch the babies, who were awake and whiny. The nurse showed her how to change their diapers, not that she needed to know how. She had done it millions of times with Ella. She was polite enough to watch and pretend learning, however. She wanted to call her mother and her friend, but she couldn't let both babies be quiet at the same time. It was a bit hard. Whenever she picked up one, the other cried. She was a bit amused, though.

When she went to sit by Tegan's bed for the night, Sonia was distraught and unnerved. "What's going on?" The doctors were there and Tegan looked as pale as a ghost with too many layers of blankets over her. Sara's heart drummed in dark apprehension.

"She has a bad fever," Sonia said.

"I'm so cold," Tegan whispered. "I'm so cold."

"It happens, Sonia," a male doctor answered. Sara assumed he worked with her mother-in-law, or at least knew her. "After a cesarean a fever is possible. Her heart is perfect so no worries."

"What about the stitches," Sara asked. "A fever is a sign of an infection." She watched as the fear masked her wife's face. She didn't want to scare her. She also wondered why there weren't any female doctors around. She knew how Tegan hated male doctors.

"No, there isn't any," The doctor said. "We just checked." The nurse whispered something and he nodded. "Alright, we will check up on again in few minutes. I believe within an hour the fever should be gone." The nurse whispered something else and he nodded again. "Alright, I'll follow." The nurse left and he asked if Sonia needed something else then left.

"What did that nurse tell him? Is there something wrong?" Sara asked hurriedly. She was panting.

"No," Sonia said. "They're talking about somebody else." She sighed. "She wanted him to go check on another patient." Sara nodded.

Sonia took her turn watching over the babies. Stephen, Ted, and Tanya had gone home. Sara stayed by her wife's side for the remaining hour. She held her hand as Tegan shivered.

The nurses continued coming and going. Many questions were asked.

"We're gonna remove her catheter," a nurse said. Sara nodded and Tegan moaned in distress. She hated that part. "Your flow is perfect," the nurse said. "There's nothing to worry about." Tegan hummed. "We want you to start walking in another hour. Just around the room. When you feel like going to the bathroom, you should go. We can help you."

"Sara will," Tegan said. Sara smiled and squeezed her hand.

"We're going to give you laxatives to soften the stool and you'll have to stick to that for the following two weeks." Tegan's eyes widened and Sara laughed. The nurse laughed, too.

The fever did actually disappear after an hour. The doctor checked on Tegan again and joked a little bit. Sara laughed, but Tegan didn't.

"Are you attracted to that doctor?" Tegan said in her languid state.

"No?" Sara was surprised to hear that out of the blue.

"Why did you laugh then?"

"That does not mean I'm attracted to him." Sara chuckled.

"Do you miss penises?" Sara opened her mouth to answer, but she closed it immediately. She furrowed her brows. That was a very strange topic to talk about at that time, during that situation. "Sara…"

"Why are you asking this now?" Sara whispered. "That's strange."

"I don't know." Tegan shrugged. "I just want to talk." Sara leaned in to kiss her wife. That was the first kiss of the day.

"You don't need to worry about this now." Sara kissed her again. "We can talk about anything other than penises, please." Sara laughed. "We can talk about our babies and how they have to be picked up at the same time otherwise one will always be crying."

Tegan felt a flutter in her heart. She couldn't really understand it, but she felt the excitement. She smiled brightly, the biggest smile of the day. "I want to walk around the room," she said. Sara was going to ask her to do that, but she felt like Tegan seemed too weak.

"Sure you can?"

"Yeah, yeah." She was already getting up.

"Careful." Sara helped her. It was hard at the beginning. The pain she felt made her stop in her place before taking the first step. She squeezed her eyes shut then opened them. "Okay?" She nodded.

They took a few very slow steps. Tegan just wanted to talk about anything. "Are they small?" she asked.

"A bit, yes." Sara smiled. "When you get tired tell me."

She nodded. "Is the doctor hot to you?"

Sara halted. "Tegan?"

"You look hot in this dress. I saw how he looked at you." Sara blushed. She had noticed the stares, too. "I didn't know you own this. It's so…hot. And you seem horny."

Sara guffawed. "Why are you assuming that?"

"I know when you're horny."

"You're jealous, Tee." Sara was flattered when she got the nod. Her much younger wife was jealous and that was all she could think of after giving birth.

When they sat down, she realized why. She had been there. Sara looked glowing, flushed with excitement and happiness. She looked like those colorful roses in someone's backyard in a very nice spring morning. Tegan, on the other hand, felt like shit. She was in pain, pale, tired, and messy. She couldn't help but compare. She remembered those moments after birth and the death of her baby and how everyone looked better than her. It made her despise herself more. Even Jack, with his distress and misery, looked way better.

"When…" She wanted to admit something she felt ashamed about earlier. "When, umm, that nurse was changing your pad…"

"Ugh." Tegan hid her face behind her hands.

"No, wait." Sara giggled and removed her hands away from her face. "Umm…when I saw…when I saw your vagina."

"Why did you even go look?" Tegan sighed.

"Because you were giving her a hard time. Somebody had to steady your thighs for you." Tegan rolled her eyes. "That's not the point." Sara giggled again, her hands still touching her wife's, restricting her from hiding her face with them. "The point is…my clit jumped."

"Wha…"

"Don't judge me." It was Sara's turn to sit back in her chair and hide her face.

"You got turned on looking at my bloody vagina?" Sara was laughing loudly. She lifted her feet up and laughed more. "Don't sit like that with this dress, it's going all the way up…somebody could come in." Sara laughed even more. "I was begging and pleading to fuck you for the past three months and once you see a bloody vagina, you suddenly get wet. Nice kink, Sara." Tears ran out of Sara's eyes the longer she stayed laughing. It made her wife laugh, too.

"I was very disturbed by that myself."

"And did you take care of it at home?" Tegan wiggled her brows.

"No. Your dad was waiting downstairs, I could never." Tegan smirked. "Plus, I'll never take care of it until you do."

"Oh honey, you're gonna wait a long time for that." Tegan sighed. "Such a bad timing your vagina remembered to function, Sare."

Sara cackled. "Look, in my defense it's your parents' house causing the issue. I know now it is the main problem for me not getting wet. I just…always sense their presence and I feel like I'm being watched."

Tegan put her head back, a smile across her face. "I literally cannot believe I let my mum give me an exam on my bed to see how dilated I am and everyone in the house knows about it."

"It was either that or me not really knowing what the fuck going on." Sara was still disappointed in herself. Part of her felt like she missed something important. The other part felt like her wife was upset but did not say it. She did seem upset right after she woke up. "You're mad at me?"

"For what?" Tegan whispered.

"Not being…ummm there for you?"

A chuckle left Tegan's dry lips. She needed some water. "No, love." Tegan had never called her love. "I know it was very traumatizing for you." Sara handed her the water bottle she was eyeing. "Thank you." She chugged half of it and wiped her mouth. "That's why my parents insisted the birth should be here. My mum was sure you were going to have a panic attack."

"I love your parents so much." Tegan's eyes lit up hearing it. She wanted for her wife to sit with her in bed. She wanted to hold her babies. She touched her belly. It was only a bit smaller than usual. Sara had told her the size was going to decrease day by day which explained the terrible pain. She missed her babies inside. "I never thought I'd have such a wonderful family."

"They love you, too," Tegan said. "Even my mum."

"Really?" Tegan nodded.

"Come here. Sleep next to me, please."

Sara tried to sit next to her on the mattress, but she hesitated the closer she got. "I don't wanna hurt you, honey. You have stitches that need healing."

"Sara, please," her wife begged.

Sara kissed the top of her head and rested her lower half on the mattress while Tegan's head lay on her chest. She was technically half seated and her back did ache. She wanted to change into her pajamas but did not want to disturb Tegan's slumber.

Sonia felt at loss. She hadn't done that for so long. Yes, Ted was a very hard-to-take-care-of baby, but her mother was always around to help her. Everybody was around celebrating her first newborn. Tegan was the quietest baby anybody could ever conceive. She did cry and whine, but mostly she just sat around, stared at what her mother was doing and just fell asleep in her place.

But those two girls would not stop crying for one minute. The nurse tried to help her, but she was getting a headache. "Why can't they stop crying?"

"That's how most newborns are. They don't feel safe yet," the nurse answered. "Plus, I think these two are going to give you a hard time." She was rocking Scarlet while Sonia was rocking Rose. "They already can't handle one being picked up and the other isn't. It's nice how they sense it."

"They love attention just like their mum." But Tegan was never like that as a baby.

Sonia decided to call Sara. It was her turn anyway. She excused herself and walked up to Tegan's room. Sara was asleep next to her daughter. She hated breaking that bond, but Sara had to attend to her babies' needs. She woke her up softly and slowly so her daughter would not wake up.

"Sara," she whispered.

"Mmmm?" Sara asked with her eyes squinting in the semi-dark room.

"Umm…" Sara's eyes opened widely.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

"Yes, yes. Shhhh." Sonia hesitated. "Ummm…can you please, umm…go there? They won't stop crying. I got a headache."

"Oh, yes, yes." Sara got up with as little movement as possible. "I'm sorry. I fell asleep." Sara took a look at her phone. It was way past midnight.

Sara found the nurse in the room, trying her best to keep both babies quiet. She asked a lot of questions about Tegan and their relationship. Sara felt uncomfortable but she answered anyway.

"I guess when they finally meet their mum they might calm down," the nurse said with a genuine smile. Sara was stung by those words. She was their mum, too. She met them and they met her.

"I guess," she whispered.

"Oh, I'm sorry." The nurse bit her lower lip. She seemed naive and nice. "I didn't mean it that way." Sara smiled at her. She did look attractive. She had ginger hair and very beautiful freckles. Sara shamefully checked her out a couple of times. She hated that part of her brain. Everyone was tired but there she was checking a hot nurse out when her wife, who had just given her two babies, was asleep in the next room.

"Do you think their eyes are going to be green?" she asked. One baby had her eyes widely staring at her. She couldn't tell which one it was. She could barely see the colored bracelets around their wrists. The room was too dark. She was going to have a terrible time telling them apart.

"It seems like their eyes will be hazel, perhaps a greenish one."

"Oh, how can you tell? I can see grey but I know eye color doesn't really settle until they're like six months old or something."

"I have my ways." The nurse winked and Sara felt hot. Fuck, Sara. No, no, no. First the male doctor now this nurse? That was the worst time to lust over strange people. She was glad Tegan was not around.

"Umm…is there a trick you can show me to tell them apart?" Sara scratched the back of her head. The other baby was staring at her sister. She seemed disturbed and her face was…and the baby started crying. "Ugh, I knew it. I know this face. Just like Tegan's before she cries."

The nurse laughed and picked her up. She gave her to Sara, who jumped a bit when she held her. The other baby started crying. "Oh, no. Here we go," said the nurse. She picked her up, too.

"This is going to be a pain, isn't it?" The nurse nodded apologetically.

"About telling them apart." Sara nodded, eager to listen. She really couldn't tell which baby she was holding. "You have to watch them very closely. You have to notice the slight differences. You're their mum so you'll recognize the difference very quickly. You just really need to bond with them." Sara nodded. She kissed this baby's head, but felt like the other baby was going to be jealous. She wanted to kiss her head, too. "And, don't worry, even the birth mother can't really tell them apart at first. It's not some God-sent gift. It's just noticing the details, you know." Sara laughed and nodded. She wanted to switch babies so she could give both of them a shared amount of love and affection.

Tegan woke up when the doctor was examining her. It was the same doctor who performed the surgery on her, her mother's friend. Thank God. The pain was unbearable and she really had to pee. She whispered that to her mum, who announced it to the doctor and the two nurses in the room.

"That's good. She should go," the doctor said.

The nurses were ready to help, but Tegan refused. "Sara," she whispered again to her mother. "Only Sara."

"She's with the babies," Sonia said.

"Call her." Tegan shrugged. She was about to cry. Once again, Sonia had to walk to the other room to get the wife.

The babies were asleep and Sara was half asleep on the couch. She looked tired and distressed. "They gave you a hard time?"

"Yeah," Sara said lazily. She almost cried at one point. She was barely handling it with a nurse around, how would she do it alone or with inexperienced Tegan? "They just slept half an hour ago. The nurse had to leave eventually."

Sonia sighed as they walked in. "It's going to be like that for awhile, honey."

The nurses excused themselves as soon as Sara and Sonia got inside. "What is it?" Tegan asked.

"Babies didn't sleep all night," Sonia said. "They gave her a hard time." Tegan looked at her wife for a moment, then back at her mum. "Ready?"

"Umm…I…are they alright?"

"Yeah." Sara chuckled. She helped Tegan get out of bed. "Careful." She kissed her temple.

"Brush your teeth," Tegan scolded.

"I'm sorry." Sara was embarrassed. "Sonia, it's fine," Sara said when Sonia followed them to the bathroom. It was so small and could barely fit both Sara and her wife.

"I just don't want her to hurt herself," Sonia said from outside.

"Don't worry. I remember this part well," Sara said after a sigh. "Tee, look at me. Don't look down."

"Why?" Sara lifted the long T-shirt her wife was in and lowered her underwear. Tegan refused to take a nightgown. Sonia and Sara tried to reason with her. She was against the idea. An oversized T-shirt was her alternative for those four days in the hospital. After that, she was going to wear yoga pants till it was okay to wear jeans again. Sonia also fought with her about it. But Tegan was not going to wear a dress no matter what happened.

"No need to see the stitches now." Sara smiled at her. "Lower yourself slowly."

Tegan sat down all at once. She shrieked at the pain that met her. Sonia barged in immediately.

"I told you to sit down slowly," Sara said.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. It hurts." Tegan was crying.

"Shit, I knew this was going to happen."

Sara knelt down to look at her wife's face. "Tee, pee so you can get it over with."

"I can't pee." Tegan cried more. She looked down and almost screamed again. Sara lifted her face up. "It hurts so bad."

"That's because you sat down quickly, of course it's going to hurt." Sonia checked the stitches and sighed in relief when she saw nothing wrong. "Just pee already," she muttered.

"My vagina hurts. I can't do it."

"Tegan, just do it. Come on," Sara said. The door of the room opened. Sonia left quickly. They heard a man's voice. Tegan cried more. "That's your dad."

"No, close the door. Close the door."

"Is she okay?" they heard Stephen say.

"She can't pee," Sonia said. Tegan cried more. She was so embarrassed.

"It's fine," Sara whispered and closed the door. The door of her room opened again. They both heard it. It was Ted and his wife.

"Oh my god." Tegan cried more and buried her face in her hands.

Sara sighed and got up. She opened the door with looks that could kill. She glared at everyone before she spoke, "Can you please leave the room and give us some privacy?" The older couple was shocked at her demeanor. Sonia glared back at her. Sara did not even lower her gaze.

"Sonia, we should…" Stephen seemed afraid. Ted and Tanya were just confused.

Everyone left and Sara went back inside. Tegan looked up at her with a tired smile. Tears still ran out of her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I had to."

"Thank you." Tegan took a deep breath then shook her head. "Whenever I try and squeeze…it hurts really fucking bad."

"Well, thank God you didn't have a vaginal birth then. That would've been a disaster." Sara rubbed her thighs to soothe her. "Just try. No pressure."

When it was all done, Sara kissed her forehead when she took her back to her bed. She opened the door to see if everyone was outside. Only Sonia stood there with wide eyes. "Where's everyone?" Sara asked.

"They're with the babies," Sonia answered coldly. She came inside and slammed the door behind her. Sara walked behind quietly. Tegan sensed the apparent tension.

"Did you pee?" Sonia asked. Tegan nodded. She was exhausted. She just wanted to be left alone without questions, without interrogations, without judgments. "You know it's going to hurt like that each time you go to the bathroom for a few days." Tegan nodded. She closed her eyes and tried to silence her mother's voice.

Sara took her hand and she was glad Sara did that because she needed comfort more than anything.

"It was embarrassing," Sonia mumbled. "No need for the scene. When are you going to grow up?" Tegan choked on a sudden sob. "Why are you crying?" asked the mother quietly. Did she really not see that? Was she that ignorant? Was she doing that on purpose? "God, Tegan, I'm just talking to you. Stop being this sensitive. I'm your mom." Tegan couldn't answer. She just cried. "I'm just…I mean, I just wanna tell you that it could have hurt even more if you gave birth vaginally. I mean birth in general hurts." Sonia huffed in irritation. She held her daughter closely and kissed her head. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

It was Sara she was angry at, not her daughter. How could that woman yell at everyone in the room like that? How did she dare raise her voice talking to her and her husband? Did she really think she cared about her daughter more than her? Her hazel eyes were focused on the professor. When Sara's eyes met hers, the younger woman averted her gaze quickly. Why didn't she apologize?

Sara excused herself and went outside. She needed coffee and something to eat. She sat in the cafeteria and called her friend. She was crying.

"Sara?" Stacy picked up. "Is everything alright?" Stacy panicked but Sara still cried. She realized she was making a scene. "Sara, baby…" She heard Emy's voice questioning and interrogating. She took a deep breath and wiped her tears.

"I'm a mother, Stacy." She laughed through tears. "I'm a mum. A mother of two beautiful babies."

"Oh my God, Sara," Stacy screamed. "You freaked me out. Fuck you." She heard Emy's voice again. "Tegan gave birth…yes…I don't know." Emy wanted to know when.

"Yesterday actually," Sara said. The people in the cafeteria probably thought she was crazy. She cried and laughed. "I'm so happy, Stacy."

"Sare," Stacy said quietly. "I can't…I can't express how happy I am for you."

"Me too," Emy yelled from afar. The speakers were on.

"Thank you."

"You're a mum," Stacy said.

"Pictures, right now," Emy shouted again.

"Umm…Tegan hasn't seen them yet. She…she doesn't want to…but when she does, umm we'll video call."

"Oh, why?" Stacy was surprised. Sara didn't know how to explain it. Right after birth, Stacy cried to see her daughter but she was too tired and had to wait against her will.

"She's in so much pain and is very overwhelmed." Sara laughed softly. "She just made quite the scene trying to pee."

"Ouch," Stacy whispered. "Wasn't it a C-section?"

Sara told her friend all about the birth. She narrated what happened as she sipped her coffee. Emy was there adding some remarks, too. Sara also told them about Sonia and what had just happened.

"I think your mother-in-law is jealous," Stacy said.

"Why would she be jealous?" Sara chuckled. "That's so weird."

"Let's be real, Sara. It's not like your mum is any different. We all know that's part of the reason you haven't introduced her to Tegan."

"N…no," Sara stuttered. It was the main reason, in fact. Sara had already realized how possessive her mother could be. When she married Jack, her mother called more than five times a day. Her mother always made sure she's recognized and acknowledged around her ex-husband. Sara thought she changed her ways, but she started doing the same just awhile back until Sara stopped picking up every call. Sara would respond with a text that she was busy, or she was not home, or she was waiting for an important call. It seemed like her mother understood the message; she stopped calling. She hadn't called in days. "Umm…I'm back at work."

"What?" Stacy yelled again.

"Shhhh," Emy whispered. "You'll wake Ella."

"She's back at work," Stacy said.

"That's amazing," Emy said.

"Thank you." Sara smirked. The two women couldn't see her, however.

"Emy moved in," Stacy informed. "But…she has chickenpox. She and Ella both."

"Oh, shit." Sara laughed.

"Yup." Stacy sighed. "Thank God we both had that when we were young. Remember?"

"Yeah, I do."

"It itches badly," Emy commented from afar.

"It's terrible, yes." Sara took a deep breath. "I have to go now."

"This is the happiest phone call I've gotten from you. I better get the video call soon, Sara."

Sara laughed. "You will." She cleared her throat. "Umm…Scarlet and Rose…their names."

"Pretty names," Stacy said.

"I knew she'd name her daughter Rose," commented Emy.

"Scarlet Rain Clement and Rose Evelyn Clement." She could hear both women gasping. Yes, she did choose her mother's name as a middle name for her daughter. Tegan chose her last name, too. It was a deal. She had wanted Alice, but Tegan didn't agree. No, Sara. That's your daughter's name. I just don't want...She just didn't want her baby to be given a name that might bring bad luck to her. Tegan was right. Evelyn worked better with Rose anyway.

"Do they look like Adam?" Stacy asked.

Adam…she had to tell Adam.

"I'm not sure who do they look like. All they've done so far is cry and shit." Both women laughed. "They're very whiny so I guess personality is fully Tegan." Sara laughed along.

After the phone call, Sara went to the bathroom. She peed, brushed her teeth, washed her face, and changed her clothes. She wore her dark blue jeans and a simple white T-shirt with a cat print on it. She walked back to the rooms. She checked on the babies first. Stephen was there alone.

"Here's mummy," he said cheerily. It appeared that he had been having a terrible time. "Ted woke them up." Sara picked up Scarlet, she could tell because she saw the green band on her wrist. The baby threw her face against her chest.

"Oh, hi." She kissed her forehead. Scarlet looked at her with wide eyes. Her soft whimpers were music to Sara's ears. "How are you, my little angel?"

Rose began to cry. Stephen laughed. "Well…" He sighed. "Looks like they already know you and want full and equal attention." Sara smiled. She put Scarlet back in the crib and picked up Rose.

"Oh, this one needs changing." Sara laughed. She kissed her forehead nonetheless. Rose was a bit bigger and her cheeks were chubbier. Just a tad. It was barely recognizable, but she could notice it. "Poopy head."

"Yeah, I changed for Scarlet but then they both started crying and I just…"

"It's hard, right?" Sara decided to change for her daughter. It was Scarlet's turn to cry. "Oh, boy."

"Congrats, mama," Stephen said. "You'll have to please them both now."

After her lunch and second trip to the bathroom (with Sonia this time since Sara was busy feeding the babies in the other room), Tegan felt like she needed a nap. When she rested her head on the pillow she noticed the wet spots on her t-shirt. They encircled both breasts. She gasped and Sonia looked up from her phone to see what was going.

"Tee?"

"Umm…look." Sonia nodded. "Too much leaking."

"I know," she said. "Let me help you change this shirt."

She touched her breasts when her mother was helping her. She squeezed her eyes shut when she felt the immense pain. "I want a bra," she whispered. Sonia nodded and helped her with the nursing bra that was in the bag.

She tried to sleep but she couldn't. She couldn't really explain the sadness and emptiness she was in. Something felt terribly wrong. She detested that sensation. She wanted Sara near her. She wanted….oh, she wanted…"Mum," she said loudly. Sonia rose up from her seat.

"Yes, yes…"

"I want to see them. Please. Get them here." Sonia took a deep breath. She shook her head. "I wanna meet them."

"God, you scared me."

Sara was rocking one baby, walking back and forth in the room, when Sonia entered. The other baby was in Tanya's hands. Both babies were crying. Ted and Stephen had left the room to get more coffee. Everybody had a headache.

"Sara," said the mother-in-law, "Tegan wants to see her babies."

First time she heard the sentence made her look up in excited surprise. Once she digested each letter, Sara realized the intentional use of the pronoun. Nevertheless, she nodded politely.

Sonia took the baby from her second daughter-in-law. It was Scarlet. Rose was with Sara. Sara walked to her wife's room with a beating chest. She took a deep breath before the door was opened. Tegan was sitting there, anticipating the arrival of her babies. The smile was tired and the face was haggard, but she still glowed and her eyes still twinkled when her babies were in the room.

She sat up properly, forgetting about the pain for that moment. She stretched out her arms to hold Scarlet. "Wait a bit honey," Sonia said. "Tanya, the pillow on that chair, please?" Tanya was quick. She fetched the small pillow on one chair in the corner of the room and put it on Tegan's lap. Sonia carefully lowered the crying baby. Tegan's heart drummed frantically. She took deep breaths as the baby rested in her arms.

Sara could decipher the fear on her lover's features. She sat next to her with the identical baby to the one in Tegan's arms. Tegan stared at both of them with parted lips. Her eyes filled with tears and her hands trembled.

"Honey," Sonia said, "do you want me to take them?"

"No, no." Tegan wiped her eyes and laughed. "I'm just happy."

Sara kissed her temple one time. She cried, too. She kissed again. She laughed through tears and cried again. "We did it," she whispered. "Our babies," she said…intentionally. Her gaze met the sharp one of the older woman. She kissed a third time.

"They look exactly the same," Tegan said in wonder. She touched their faces and giggled. "Wow, they're…they're like…look at their eyes." The babies were almost quiet then. They stared at their mothers in wonder. Sara wondered if they recognized Tegan's voice. "They're green," Tegan whispered.

Sara laughed. "They're not."

"No, it will be. Look! You can see the green specks in there." Sonia was finally smiling. "Look at their tiny hands." Wonder and astonishment filled Tegan's soul. She hadn't imagined such a sensation. She didn't really know where it came from but it replaced the emptiness she felt before. It replaced the loss. "So tiny." Tegan touched each exposed part of skin. One baby seemed to detest that. She scrunched up her face and whined. "I'm sorry." She leaned in to kiss her. Her stitches ached. She could barely move but she did not care. "Okay, umm, can you tell me the names?"

"Alright, the one you're holding is Scarlet, she's the oldest." Tegan grinned. "And this little trouble-maker is Rose." Sara kissed her cheek the way her other mother kissed her sister's just a second ago.

"How can you tell?"

Tanya and Sonia laughed.

"Well, for starters, look at the bands around their wrists. They have different colors. The green one for Scarlet and the yellow for Rose." Tegan nodded. "And you can see that Scarlet has a skinnier face than Rose. She's a bit smaller and her eyes are, too."

"I can't see that," Tegan said worriedly. "They look exactly the same to me." Sara laughed. "Shit, how am I going to tell them apart, Sara?"

"Don't worry. You'll notice it soon. I was literally so lost yesterday." Tegan nodded, still staring. "Umm, let me tell you a little secret. Rose has a mole on her bum." Tegan giggled. "Her sister doesn't."

"Yeah, I noticed that one the moment they got out of you," Sonia added.

Did she think it was a competition? Sara didn't understand why that woman was acting in such an insufferable way. She took a deep breath and sucked in her words.

"Do they have, like, all the parts and everything?" Tegan said. "All healthy?"

"Yes, Tee." Sara smiled. "They're perfect."

Tegan wanted to keep them there for awhile. She enjoyed staring at them. She didn't care they cried and whined too much. She didn't care that she was in too much pain. She didn't care that the diapers needed changing. She just wanted to sit there with Sara and the two babies. She hadn't ever thought she would experience such a sublime feeling. She stared at Sara, finally understanding everything she hadn't comprehended before. She couldn't imagine how Sara must have been feeling at that moment. She couldn't fantasize the amount of merriness the older woman was probably in. Her eyes were a calm sun and her lips and cheeks were pink with exuberant radiance. No wonder she glowed. No wonder every doctor and nurse flirted with her. She was vibrant with life and hope. Her dreams had come true and she was finally where she wanted to be. That made Tegan even happier; seeing her lover in such a healthy and happy state made her want to pause that moment and never escape it. She was well aware that life did not preserve a happy moment for too long. It was a game of chess, or rather a dwindling thread held by two fingers. It went up and it went down and it danced according to the movements sent from the creators. In the case of the thread, the two fingers. She sighed contently and held the baby closer to her chest.

"I wanna go home," she whispered.

"Two more days just to make sure you're perfectly fine." Sara kissed the corner of her lips.

"No," Tegan whispered again. "I wanna go back to Canada." Sara smiled brightly. She nodded.

"Soon, honey. Very soon." Sara noticed that Tegan was struggling with the baby in her arms. She was pushing her head against her mother's chest and Tegan was trying to keep her away. "Tee, give her to me?" They had exchanged the babies an hour before.

"N…no, you have Scarlet with you…umm this one wants…" Tegan tried to be gentle with the baby but she was in too much pain to deal with the baby's head pressed against her breast. "I'm very sore and she keeps pushing her face…there."

"I know, this one keeps doing that to everyone…even your dad." Tegan cackled.

"How does she know?"

"I think she just wants to be close. I don't think she knows there's milk there or something." Scarlet was too calm with the pacifier in her mouth, which enabled Sara to distract Rose and keep her away from Tegan's chest. She snapped her fingers a couple of times to get Rose to lift up her head, searching for the sound. She whistled softly and earned a smile from Scarlet. Both women laughed. "Wow, look!"

"That's so cute."

"Let's FaceTime with Stace. I promised her when we're all together we'll do that."

Both Stacy and Emy screamed when they saw the babies. There were too many noises and so much laughter that the twins started crying loudly with shrieks and heavy tears.

"Fuck, we scared them," Emy said. "Look how cute."

"They probably think we're aliens or something," Stacy added.

"Guys, shhh, they're actually scared," Sara said, trying to calm her babies.

"I think this is too much for them to take," Tegan said. "They're already weirded out by all that attention."

"Actually they love it," Sara said. "Your mum said they like attention just like you." She smirked.

"Oh fuck you." Tegan snorted.

"It's what your mum said, not me." Sara shrugged.

"Still arguing with her?" Stacy asked. Sara glared. "Oh…shit."

"Arguing with my mum?" Tegan asked.

"Umm…no. Look, she fucking hates me, okay? She's trying to compete over who takes care of you more and who's a better parent and who's a better fuck, too." Sara sighed. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed. It's all because I yelled at everyone when you were in the bathroom."

"Tegan's mum is very nice, though," Emy said. "She's just really protective." Sara rolled her eyes. "What?"

"Come on!" Sara huffed. "We all know I'm not Sonia's favorite." Tegan shrugged. "You can't deny it."

"You and my mum need to just ignore each other until we get home. Try to act as grownups. I know she gets….possessive, but…it's only because…"

"It's only because she thinks I'll hurt you." Tegan didn't say anything. She didn't shake her head or nod it. "Yup."

"I'd like to see you once one of them gets a boyfriend," Tegan said with laughter. Stacy and Emy joined her.

"Or a girlfriend," Sara said.

"You got my point." Tegan raised a brow. Sara nodded embarrassingly.

When the babies were back to their room with Sara to feed them and stay the night with them, Sara decided to call Adam in order to inform him about the birth. She sent him a picture of both of them, too.

"They don't look like disgusting aliens," he said as soon as he picked up the phone. "Wow! They actually look so adorable."

"I know." Sara laughed. "Tegan did eat very well while she was pregnant so they have some weight on them. That's good."

"They're gonna look like me and you're going to thank my semen very much."

"Adam," Sara said slowly, a grin painted on her ruddy features, "one, don't be gross; and two, don't tell mum just yet."

"I wasn't gonna," he said. "But, Sare, you should really tell her. She's your mum and she would be really happy."

"Yes, of course I'm going to tell her. I just want to find the proper time to call her and explain everything." Her mum did not even know about the pregnancy. She had to prepare her words carefully. She knew her mother would feel left out if she told her that Tegan's family knew and witnessed everything but she did not. That's what happened when she told her about the wedding. Stacy told her that her mother said Evelyn cried for days. Sara was mean, but she justified it that her mother was meaner. She sighed, not exactly knowing how she was going to tell her mum without feeling shitty about herself.

She also wanted to tell Dana, but she did not want to tell Jack. She wanted Dana to mention it in front of Jack, so he would be jealous. She despised that part of her. Why did she care what Jack thought? She stayed up all night thinking about everyone and what they were going to think. Why did she still want to prove something to a world that did not care? Why did she want people to talk about her and mention her success? Was it really a success? Yes, it was. It was a success to have the children she had wanted for so long and failed to get. Therefore, she decided to pray at night. She remembered how her mother had done it when she was younger. Tegan would despise that but Tegan was not there to see. Sara prayed to God to keep her wife and children safe, she prayed to God to forgive her sins. She prayed to God to keep her and everyone she loved healthy.

She remembered her father. When she fell asleep on the couch, her father came in her dream. He congratulated her and rebuked her for praying. He told her she would end up in hell because her entire life was a sin. She would end up in much more misery because the way she lived her life was sinful. Sara cried when she woke up. Nobody saw her but her crying babies.

Tegan was crying too when Sara saw her in the morning.

"What's wrong, babe?" Sara kissed her. Sonia was tidying some of Tegan's clothes in the corner.

"I had to go to the bathroom," Tegan said.

"Oh." Sara laughed a little. "You had to poop?" Sonia turned around and looked at her. Sara shifted her gaze.

"No," Tegan yelled. "I'm constipated. That's why it fucking hurt."

"Ouch." Sara sighed. "Laxatives will help." She walked over to Sonia. "Good morning."

"Morning," Sonia said dryly. "Babies slept well?"

"Umm, not really." Sara remembered her own nightmare. "But certainly slept better than me."

"I wanna see them," said Tegan.

"They're asleep," Sara answered. "When they wake up, I'll bring them here." Tegan looked down at her phone in disappointment. "Sonia, want me to give you a hand?"

"No, dear, thank you." Sara was confused with Sonia's attitude. Dear, honey, sweetheart were common names she used for her, yet she was often cold and angry.

"I had the worst nightmare," Sara said. She grabbed a chair and sat next to Tegan. Tegan looked up from her phone to listen to her wife. "My fucking dad popped up in my dream."

"Ugh." Tegan shook her head. "What did he say?"

"So, umm, I was praying last night…" Sonia seemed alerted. She looked at Sara and decided to listen, too. "I mean I, you know, said a few prayers to keep you and the girls healthy and safe." Tegan didn't like that. She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I dreamed of him telling me that…umm, I'm a sinner and our marriage is a sin and…umm, God will hurt me again."

"Fuck you," Tegan whispered.

"What?" Sara's heart started racing quickly.

"Not you." Tegan chuckled. "Him. I'm saying fuck you to his fucking ghost." Sara grinned. "He put this in your head, Sara. He literally implemented the idea that you're a sinner and you can't really practice religion in peace or you can't let go of the fact that what you're doing isn't harmful to any human being or even to your God."

"Is your God different than ours, Tegan?" asked the mother.

"Mum, you know I don't believe in this whatever. You know that too well so let's not talk about it, please."

"And who do you think created us and brought us here?" Tegan huffed in frustration. "Who do you think put those babies inside you and shaped them like that?"

"Well, whoever did it is not that same sick picture engraved in her head or people's heads. Whoever that God is, I honestly don't think he or she is actually that mean or cruel or just lives to see us tortured. That's how human beings are. If there's a God, why should he act like us and spread hate and wars and threaten to put us in some type of hell? What the fuck is that concept?"

"To punish crimes, Tegan," Sonia answered. Sara did not want to go into that discussion, simply because she had been through an exact same one and had said the exact same words to her mother when she was younger. She was sixteen, however. Her mother answered her the same way Sonia did. It was rather ironic how much Sonia and Evelyn had in common.

"Mum, I'm too tired to discuss this with you, so please let's not talk about it. I respect you and your beliefs and admire that Sara also has those beliefs, but don't ever think I'll raise my daughters to believe in a God full of hate. If I have to tell them about it, I'll draw a God full of love and that's certainly not your God."

"It's my God," Sara said. Sonia was going to slaughter someone in that room, and it was certainly not her daughter, even though she was angry at her daughter.

"Sara, when you stop getting those nightmares about God's anger, then I'll believe your God is full of love." Sara did not say anything back. She sat down in her seat and stayed calm. She knew Tegan had a point. She couldn't really get her brain to stop the nightmares and the self-hatred. She had tried, but it was rooted there, all that malice and all that deception flung at her from her father. She abhorred that man with a passion. How could her mother live with him? How did that poor woman tolerate him?

She did remember an incident when she was ten. Her mother was talking to her grandmother on the phone. She couldn't really understand what was happening. They spoke French and her knowledge was limited. She stared at her mum and tried to grasp some idea of why she was crying. She heard her father's name more than one time on her lips. She knew it was about him or related to him. When she was ten, she had already come to the conclusion that whenever her mother cried, it was related to her father. She did ask her mother later, she thought her parents were getting a divorce. Part of her was very happy, the other was worried. She was too young to understand much, but she didn't want to see her mother cry like that. She didn't want her father to be the problem. Her mother did not tell her the truth, anyway. She lied and told her that she was not feeling well. Sara stayed awake that night. She thought her mother was going to die. She was afraid but she did not cry.

Sitting on that chair next to her wife, she wondered about that event. She pondered and thought about what the real story was.

Tegan was thoroughly examined in the afternoon. She was going back to her parents' house the next morning. Her mother and her wife stood close to her as the doctor examined her.

"All is well but we have one slight issue with the flow," the doctor said when she finished. "It's still a bit heavier than usual."

"I still have really terrible cramps. Like somebody's pulling my vagina and uterus out of my body," Tegan said.

"That's normal." Laughed the doctor.

"Umm, doctor, is the bleeding too alarming?" Sara asked. "She does have a heavy flow during menstruation." Tegan glared at her wife.

"It's not too alarming for now, but she should monitor it. If it stayed like this three more days from now she should be rushed back to the hospital."

Sonia was horrified. She followed the doctor to have more insight. "I mean, your flow is fine. I remember mine was terrible…it was really bad. It stayed for weeks. It did not even become discharge-like in the following weeks."

"Ouch," Tegan said. "Was there something wrong?"

"Well, yeah, everything." Sara yawned. "I didn't bother check because I was miserable."

Tegan didn't know what to say. She was glad she hadn't known Sara then. She was barely thirteen back then anyway.

"Anyway, I'm going home to shower because I feel like shit."

"I really wanna shower." Tegan sighed. "Mum said she'll help me tomorrow."

"We just gave the babies their first bath an hour ago." Sara grinned. "It was adorable."

"Really?" Sara nodded. "Did you take pictures?"

"No, I was learning. It's kinda hard to bathe two babies at the same time because you kinda have to be in so much control or you need to be two people." Tegan imagined it and smiled. She wanted to hold them again. "But the nurse said it's better because it saves time and they can bond, too."

"What about putting their diapers on after? You could like put Scarlet's diaper on and then Rose would be peeing right there or getting a cold." Sara guffawed. "I'm serious."

"Yeah, I guess we're going to have to manage that together." Sara winked and Tegan blushed.

"Sare?"

"Hmm?" Sara was checking her phone for text messages. She lifted her head up and said, "Yes, babe?"

"Umm…do…do you think that uh…uh…"

"Tee?"

"Umm the breast pump, do you think you can get it?" Sara blinked. She opened her mouth to speak but Tegan interrupted, "I mean…uh…I don't want to do it but it hurts so much and there's too much milk and I just feel like it better goes to them than going to waste…you know?"

Sara smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"And don't tell mum, please. She'll make a big deal out of it."

"Don't worry, love." Sara leaned in and kissed her lips. "I love you," she said.

"I love you, too."

Sara did take a long time and Tegan waited patiently. Sonia got the two girls for her as she requested. She held Scarlet while her sister-in-law held Rose and sat next to her. She thought about feeding them. The idea was becoming colorful in her brain. She imagined it and how it would look. She didn't want to tell anyone about it and she didn't want to do it in front of anyone, too. Except Sara, she'd do it in front of Sara and she'd tell Sara about it. She wanted to try pumping first. She wanted to experience the feeling. She was not sure she was going to like it. She had been reading about breastfeeding all morning. She wanted to do it privately, too. She wanted to be in her own home and in her own room. She couldn't wait till she got back to Canada.

"Are they well-fed?" Tegan asked. "Do they like the formula?"

"Yes, they like it," Tanya said. She was smiling down at Rose. "Scarlet doesn't accept anything in her mouth easily. Sara always has to force her lips open to get it inside."

"Oh, why?" The mother looked at her daughter. She giggled softly. "Why don't you like food?" she asked in a squeaky voice. She held her hand and the baby immediately closed her little fingers around Tegan's index. "Oh my God, look at that."

"Yeah, it's adorable. Sara does it to their feet, too. She puts her finger around their toes and they hold on to it." Sara must be delighted, Tegan thought. She really wished she could measure the happiness Sara was in. She was probably the happiest woman alive.

Tegan offered her index finger to her other daughter and received a similar reaction. Both girls held her fingers and she stared at them in utter wonder as they stared back with their big eyes and long lashes. Their noses seemed smaller than hers, probably like Adam's. He had a long sharp nose, which was a bit attractive on him. His eyes were just like Sara's but wider. The shape of the eyes, too, was like Adam's, Tegan assumed. The babies barely had any hair on their scalp and the color was very light, so Tegan couldn't tell whose hair they would get. But she did share the same hair color as Adam and Sara, too. As for their lips, they were definitely like hers. She couldn't tell if their jaws were as sharp as Adam's and Sara's or maybe like hers. She did, too, have a prominent jaw and a nice cheekbone structure. They had full cheeks even though they were so small. She did eat a lot while pregnant, which may have resulted in those cheeks. Their skin tone was a bit yellowish and when they cried it turned red. She was still unable to tell the difference between them. She couldn't really see how one was smaller than the other. They looked exactly the same to her.

Sara entered with a duffel bag in her hand. She had a new outfit on. Tegan scanned the black jeggings and grey button-up. Sara looked handsome with her short hair. She had raised up her sleeves and her dark tattoos were on display. Sara kissed her and she kissed back.

"Oh, somebody is in a good mood," Sara smiled. It was strange because most women feel depressed after birth.

"Look!" Tegan showed Sara both of her fingers held tightly by both of her daughters. "This is so cute."

"You're so in love with them," Sara commented and her wife grinned and nodded. That was all Sara wanted. Just love and no regrets or guilt.

"Your mum is going home to shower and prepare your room for you now that I'm back." Sara raised an eyebrow and Tegan understood what she meant. One problem was the sister-in-law that was oblivious to their plan. Tegan would definitely not pump in front of this stranger, no matter how nice she seemed to be.

They both waited and waited. Tanya did not leave. It was a bit awkward. Eventually, the babies started crying and making a lot of noise and Tegan was too tired to put up with that much crying. Sara and Tanya took them back to their room where Sara fed them and put them back to sleep.

"I think I'll go home now. It's getting late," Tanya said with a smile. Sara nodded politely. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes. Goodnight." Sara was rocking Rose to get her to fall in deep slumber like her sister.

When she made sure both of them were calmly asleep, she walked back to Tegan's room. Tegan was also asleep. She didn't want to wake her up but she wanted her to try the breast pump. She shook her arm gently to ask her. Tegan groaned then opened her eyes. "Want to pump?" Sara asked quietly. "Your mum's not here and Tanya just left." Tegan nodded quickly and attempted sitting up. "Careful," Sara said.

"What if she comes back all of a sudden?"

"What do you want to do?" Sara asked again.

"I don't know." Tegan frowned. "I really wanna try it. It's bothering me, Sara. It's really bothering me. Whenever I come in contact with my breasts, I get the worst pain possible there."

"You're very tender." Sara was already preparing the machine for her. "Just try for a little bit. Like a few minutes."

Sara showed her how it's done even though she wasn't really sure herself. She had seen Stacy doing it before. She had read the manual, too.

"Wow," Tegan said. "If this doesn't remind me of being a cow." She chuckled.

"Want to stop?" The machine made a loud noise. It was annoying the younger woman. The feeling was not the best, too.

"No." She knew that whoever came in, would see her breasts. Sara told her she would cover her up quickly. "Look how much milk there is! Wow!" She laughed. "How is that possible?"

"That's good actually," Sara said. "I mean for a breastfeeding mum." Tegan nodded and looked down at the two bottles again.

"They're gonna like this. They're going to sleep well tonight."

"I'm not sure," Sara said. "They're asleep right now so I'll be fucked at night, too. Plus, maybe the taste is different and they'll find it weird. Especially Scarlet, she's so…ugh when feeding. She doesn't know how to suckle. I keep adjusting her lips and encouraging her but she can't do it."

"Really? Why?" Concern covered Tegan's features. "Is there something wrong with her?"

"No. She just really doesn't know what she should do. While Rose is a pro."

"That sounds so wrong. Please don't joke about our babies like that."

"You need to get your mind out of the gutter, love."

As Tegan was about to respond, the door opened and Sonia came in. She stood there with a baffled face and dilated eyes.

"Shit," Tegan cursed. "Mum, close the door and please don't make a big deal out of it."

"I knew you'd cave in." Sonia laughed but Sara didn't find it amusing.

Sonia talked about how sure she was that Tegan was going to breastfeed eventually. Tegan told her she was not going to; she just needed to pump to get rid of the milk. Sonia responded that pumping would increase the supply. However, Tegan assured her that it was not really true because she read it on a lot of websites. Sonia's response was, "I'm the OB-GYN, not you."

Sara had a headache at the end of the day when she returned to the other room. To make matters worse, the babies did not sleep all night long. She tried Tegan's milk and they both didn't seem to like it. She didn't want to tell Tegan in the morning. She didn't want to upset them. She informed Sonia quietly instead.

"It's fine," whispered Sonia. "It's because it's a new taste. They'll get used to it eventually."

Tegan was very excited to leave the hospital. She wanted to be with her babies. Sara told her that during the nights she would wish to be away from them because it's when they cry the most. Tegan refused to believe it. The small crib was set in her room temporarily until they left California and headed back home where the babies had their own room and each one of them had her own crib. Now they had to sleep next to one another, which wasn't a bad thing considering they were small and found comfort in being around each other.

Sara was very exhausted. She hoped she would finally get some sleep now that they were out of the hospital. Unfortunately, though, as soon as they were back, Sonia helped Tegan with her bath and Sara had to feed the whiny babies. She was hungry herself. That time she was able to feed them together because she sat on the mattress and put them both on each side of the nursing pillow. She held the bottle for both of them and smiled as they stared at her with their shiny orbs. Once they fell asleep, she and Tegan went downstairs to have some breakfast.

"I'll go back to work tomorrow," said Sonia. Stephen was already back to work the previous day. "You think you can handle it alone?"

"Yes, we can," Sara responded quickly. Nobody was taking care of the babies except her, anyway. She could take care of Tegan and the babies, too.

"Tegan?" Sonia asked again. Tegan was eating blueberry yogurt.

"Huh?" She looked up. "Yeah, mum. We can handle it."

After the breakfast the two women decided to take a nap. Sara changed into her pajamas and Tegan rested on the mattress. They were whispering so their babies wouldn't wake up. Just half an hour later, they heard the loud cried of one girl. By the time Sara reached the screeching infant, her twin began to cry as well.

She looked at her lover and said, "See?"

"It's fine," Tegan whispered. "Give them to me."

"Ummm…wait. Let me change for them because they stink."

Tegan watched as Sara changed for the babies. They needed a changing table, which they also had at home.

Tegan giggled. "Look at their cute butts." Sara laughed. "I haven't seen them naked before."

"You'll see these butts a lot and you'll get sick of them, Tee." She put both of them on the mattress in front of Tegan and walked out to wash her hands.

"I can't believe they're ours," Tegan said when Sara returned. "Can you get them closer to me?"

"Yeah, let me get you a pillow." Sara's eyes fell on the nursing pillow she had used before. She grabbed it and Tegan took it without a comment. She placed Scarlet on her left side and Rose on the right one. Sara sat by her.

"This is a breastfeeding position," Tegan commented with a chuckle. It was almost like the football hold position. Tegan didn't seem comfortable but Sara didn't know how she could change the way they were supposed to lie on that pillow without annoying both of them and Tegan, too. "Umm…who's who?" Tegan asked shyly.

Sara raised an eyebrow while an amused smirk slowly widened on her face. "Guess."

Tegan didn't like the guessing game. She was honestly confused. She felt like a bad mother. She was going to tear up but she resisted. Both babies were dressed in stripped red and grey overalls. Both of them had grey beanies on. They looked exactly the same.

"Sara," she whined. "I can't tell." She picked up the one on her right and began undressing her.

"What are you doing?" Sara asked, finding it funny even though her wife was clearly upset.

"I'm gonna look for the butt mole." Rose had started crying by then.

"No, Tee. You're annoying her." Sara put her hand on her wife's. "That's Rose."

Tegan took a deep breath and sat back. Her face was flushed and her scowl looked exactly like her mother's. "How can you tell?"

"I spend all the time looking at them. Wait two more days and you'll see how it's easy to tell." Sara had to kiss the corner of her pouting lips to ease the stress. "Cheer up."

"I think I want to breastfeed them," Tegan changed the subject quickly and loudly. "Right now."

"Alright…ummm." Sara hesitated. She was happy to hear that but she didn't know what she was supposed to say. "I guess…you have to."

"Yeah." Tegan lifted up her maroon T-shirt and Sara helped her with the nursing bra. "Oh, that's nice."

"Your boobs?"

"No," answered Tegan with laughter. Sara was cackling. "I meant this invention. It's so easy."

"Hey, gir…oh you're breastfeeding." They both looked up in horror at the woman standing there. They hadn't heard her coming in. She walked in quickly and sat on the other side of her daughter. "Alright…honey, try it with this one first." Sara could see that Sonia couldn't tell them apart, too. It was Scarlet that Sonia was trying to make Tegan feed first. Sara held Rose's hand and Rose clutched her finger immediately.

"Mum…wait." Tegan was nervous. The last person she wanted near them was her mother. She began to sweat and the cramps just seemed a bit sharper than usual. "Wait," she repeated and took a breath. She tried to push her nipple inside her daughter's lips but the infant began to cry. She tried again but couldn't.

"Let me help you." Sara touched her daughter's lips with two fingers. She parted her lips slowly and guided them towards her wife's breast. Tegan jumped a bit and took a hold of Sara's collar which made the professor laugh. "Did she latch on?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"I don't think so," Sonia said. "She's not suckling."

"No, she's not," Tegan said. She was panicking. "Why isn't she?"

"Hey, let's try with Rose and we'll get back to this one, honey." Tegan nodded quickly.

It was very easy with Rose. All she had to do was get her nipple close enough to the baby's lips. Rose latched on quickly and without any direction. Tegan jumped again and pulled Sara's collar again. Rose started sucking quickly. "What the hell?" The feelings was not very pleasing.

"Well, we know who's a lesbian," Sara said, but the two women beside her glared at her. "I'm just kidding."

"Don't joke like that about them," Sonia scolded.

"Why? What if one of them is gay?" Sara said. Tegan had no time for arguing. She was trying to make her other baby latch on like her sister.

"She's still a baby," Sonia said.

"So?" Sara said, louder.

"Guys," Tegan said the loudest. They both looked at her. "She's doing it. Look, she's sucking."

"No, that's wrong. Let me show you how it's…" Sara put her hand on her wife's breast but Sonia pushed it away quickly.

"You don't know what's right and wrong. Leave her at her own pace," Sonia said. It was shocking. Sara stared at her in disbelief. Her stomach started aching. Tegan stared at her mother, too. "Honey, let me show you how…"

"Mum, leave me alone," Tegan whispered.

Sara left the room quietly. She did not go outside. She left to the balcony in Tegan's room. Tegan knew why.

"Why are you treating her like that?" Tegan said. She, too, started crying. "She didn't do anything wrong."

"She keeps yelling at me like I'm her friend. She needs to respect me…I…"

"She didn't yell at you. You did first."

Tegan couldn't understand why her mother was such a drama queen. She picked fights whenever her wife was there. She honestly thought they had finally bonded and she wouldn't have to put up with her mother disliking Sara, but it seemed like her mother chose to clash with Sara.

"What about two days ago when you were in the bathroom?"

"I wanted her to get you all out," Tegan said. She hissed. "Shit, this hurts."

"Because you're doing it wrong. Let me show you how it's…"

"And you telling her that she doesn't know right from wrong just hurts, okay? Can't you give her a break? She's excited. She can't control her emotions right now. Those are her kids, too. You don't have to remind her every time that she's not related to them, because believe it or not she actually is related to them."

Sonia did not respond. She remained quiet as she helped her daughter learn how to breastfeed.

Sara was crying heavily in the balcony. The sun was too hot and it stung her eyes. She muffled her cries with her hand. The last thing she expected was to press the call button and hear her mother's voice. She hadn't even thought about it, she hadn't planned it. She just really felt as small as she'd been thirty years before. She just wanted to tell her mother about those who hurt her and bullied her.

"Sara?" Evelyn called many times and only heard cries. "Honey, honey." Evelyn's voice cracked. "Please tell me what's wrong. Honey, do you want me to come you? Uh…I'm…Sara, please tell me you're okay."

"Mum, listen to me, listen to me." Sara hiccuped. "I have to tell you something."

"No, no. Don't tell me you're sick. Please don't tell me that. I can't handle it." Though she was crying, she smiled. She smiled and almost laughed, too. Her mother did care. She really did care and did love her. "Sara, please tell me you're okay."

"Mum, I'm fine." Sara took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I called like that. I'm overwhelmed."

"What is it, Sara? Is your wife okay? Did she…did she have another miscarriage? Were you even trying?"

"Mum," Sara said calmly. "I want you to sit down and listen to me." Sara was counting to ten under her breath. She was arranging the words in her mind. She took a deep breath and asked, "You're good?"

"Yes," responded her mother breathlessly. "You're scaring me, my love."

"You know that Tegan had a miscarriage before."

"Yes." Her mother was panting. Her accent thickened, too.

"She was very depressed after that. I didn't want us to try again but she wanted to. She, umm…she tried on her own…uh, you know how." Her heart drummed. She was scared of the reaction. She didn't want judgment. She really couldn't bear it.

"Yes, dear."

"Okay, so she got pregnant." Sara paused. "We used a donor I mean."

"Aha?"

There came the judgment. Sara paused. She was not sure she was supposed to continue.

"Babe," her mother called. Sara almost gasped. She used to call her that when she was very young. "You're okay?"

"Mum, I am a mother," Sara whispered and more tears stung her lids.

"Really?" Evelyn screamed. "You're serious?" She was laughing, Sara could tell. Not the mocking laughter. It was the happy one, the joyous one. The one full of tears and hope.

"Yes. Twins, mama. I have twins. They're so beautiful. They're so beautiful. Girls."

"Girls?" Evelyn laughed. "Dear Lord, I am a grandmother."

"Rose Evelyn Clement and Scarlet Rain Clement." Her mother cried when she heard the name.

"Really?" she said through happy tears.

"Yes." Sara smiled. "Mum, God gave me two instead of one. He took one and gave me two."

"Honey," her voice was soft and beautiful. Sara had missed it. "I'm happy. I'm truly happy for you."

"Mum, please don't hate or judge me. Please, mum." Still…she was still begging for acceptance. She still searched for it.

"Hate you?" Evelyn wondered in shock. "How could I hate or judge you?" Sara sniffled. "I'm not the same, Sara. I was never that woman to begin with. I was a picture of your father. I was just a voiceless woman."

"I know," Sara whispered. "Do you want to know who's the father? The donor I mean?"

"Yes, please."

"It's Adam. My cousin."

"Really?" Evelyn had always admired and liked Adam. "That's like…wow, your babies are going to look really good."

"Yeah, and Tegan is gorgeous, too."

"Can I get a picture, Sara?" Evelyn asked. "Please, Sara." Of course she was going to get a picture. No more hiding. She, too, had a mother. Her mother, too, was protective. "For real this time?"

"Yes, mum. For real this time." A sigh of relief left Sara's lungs. A weight had been lifted off her shoulders. "Of Tegan, me, and our babies."

"That would be wonderful." Evelyn giggled. "I will print it and hang it in the living room until I can get a real picture."

"Mum, you really love me?" She had to ask. She had to hear it. "The way I am?"

"Is that really a question, Sara?"

"Yes, mum. I need to hear it. I've been treated badly, mum. You know that."

"Yes, I know that." Sara nodded, though nobody could see her. "I love you more than anything and anyone in this world. I'll never be ashamed of you, Sara." How did this change happen? Was it always there? Was she the one not giving her mother a chance?

"I love you, too," Sara said. "I…I miss you."

"I miss you so much, my love."

"We're in San Diego, mum. That's where my wife's from. Umm…her parents insisted she gives birth here because she has a heart condition and she's um…a bit young."

"Yeah? Is she alright?"

"Yes, she's perfect." Sara hesitated but she really wanted to get it out of her system. "My mother-in-law doesn't like me. She…she thinks I'll hurt her daughter."

"Oh, honey."

"She doesn't even know how hard I fought to be with her. She doesn't know that the only reason I tried to stay alive was to go back to her."

Evelyn did not respond quickly, which scared Sara. She had never shared such strong feelings in front of her mother. She couldn't remember the last time she had.

"You know, Sara, the relationship between a mother and a daughter is complex, so imagine how it is with a daughter-in-law. Maybe she's just protective. Does she really know you?"

"Not really," Sara said. "But I'm not a stranger to her, mum. I've been living here under her roof for the past two months and she still can't see that I love her daughter more than the world itself."

"I wish this is like a school situation when you come back to me saying your teacher doesn't like you and then I have to go there and get to know why she treats you the way does." Evelyn chuckled.

"Oh, you always did that, didn't you?"

"Yeah. Even when you were seventeen, almost graduating. I just had to go there and talk to the teachers."

"I secretly loved that," Sara admitted. In the past, however, she remembered scolding her mother for going there.

"I know you did." Evelyn smiled. "But you know I can't do that right now."

"No, you can't," Sara whispered.

"What you can do, though, is prove to her you're going to be the best wife and mother. If she says something terrible, pretend you didn't hear it. I'm not saying don't stand up for yourself, I just think that you might want to let her assume what she wants to and just live your life the way you want to."

"You're right." Sara wiped the last falling tears.

"And you're going back to Canada soon, right?"

"Yes. I can't wait." Sara smiled to herself. "Mum, do you know who her mum is?"

"I don't even know who the girl is to know her mum."

"It's that famous gynecologist we once saw her interview on TV," Sara explained. "People went to her for infertility treatments."

"I don't really remember," the mother whispered.

"Her name is Sonia Rain. It was after my surgery two years ago. You told me if I had gone to this doctor, I would have become pregnant on my own and wouldn't have to go through the insemination and losing a baby process. Then you said…"

"Sara, I'm sorry," her mother interrupted quickly. "I remember now. I said that...it was too late because you…you couldn't get a child anymore."

"Yeah…but now I have two." Sara chuckled.

"I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I did what I did."

"I don't know either. It really hurt me. That's why Stacy switched the channel. It was her mother."

"Do you forgive me?" Evelyn said. "For everything I've said and done?"

"I already did, mother." Just by deciding to open up her heart, she had forgiven her mother. She was going to give her a real chance this time. She was going to listen to everyone's advice.

That phone call made her feel alive. She revealed what had been harbored. She said what she'd wanted to say for a long time. The guilt was lifted. She felt free. She hoped her mother would not disappoint her this time. She hoped she could eventually have her back in her life. She hoped her kids would meet their grandmother and love her. She hoped they would know they had two grandmothers and love both equally.

"Sara, can I join you here for a second?" She looked at her side, where Sonia stood. Sara nodded. She realized her eyes exposed her, not that Sonia couldn't tell she had run off to cry. "Sara, I don't hate you."

Sara nodded.

"I really don't, honey. I actually love you." She looked up. She couldn't really believe that. Everything Sonia had said and done proved otherwise.

"Sometimes I just feel like my daughter is being forced into something she doesn't want so I feel…overprotective." Sara was about to speak, but she was stopped. "I know, I know. I shouldn't assume that. I know Tegan's happy and satisfied. I know she's not forced. I guess I just…I don't know, feel like she loves you more than me…"

Did she really admit that? Did she really confess her jealousy?

"She loves us both equally but differently, Sonia."

"I know that, but you're the whole world to her. You've been a lover, a sister, a friend, and even a mother. She relies on you and she depends so much on you."

"And I rely and depend on her like that, too," Sara answered. "It's not wrong…it's just…female relationships are that…close. I mean, friendships are, so imagine how it's like when there's marriage and love?"

"I can't really imagine because I haven't been in the same place and my husband would rather die than help me pee or shower unlike you two so…I…"

"I know." Sara chuckled. "I had a husband, too. That's what I'm saying. Girls are closer. They aren't grossed out of one another. They share everything. That's why it seems so…you know, motherly and sometimes so intimate. We take care of each other because we know what a woman needs."

"I suppose you're right." Sonia sighed. "I think I should just be really happy someone is willing to do all that for my daughter. That means you really love her."

"She's the reason I'm alive, Sonia." Sara smiled. "She's the reason I survived."

"I'm sorry I said you don't know right from wrong and was mean to you."

Sara nodded. "It's all well."

"Come on, let's get inside. It's hot in here. You don't want another sunburn."

With Sonia's hand behind her back, she entered the room again. The babies were still on Tegan's lap but she was not feeding them anymore. Tegan smiled brightly. Her hand held Scarlet's right foot and Rose's left hand.

Sara sat beside her and Sonia excused herself. Tegan pecked her lover's cheek quickly and suddenly. "I love you," she sang.

Sara turned her face again and kissed her lips. "I'm nothing without you," she whispered.

"You're cheesy, Ralph."

"Hey." Sara nudged her.

"So they had some food. Mostly Rose sucked my entire tit out and this one thinks it's a lollipop." She poked her daughter's little nose.

"This sounds wrong," Sara whispered with a giggle. "I talked to my mum," she whispered again.

"Really?" Tegan's eyes widened. She had a curious smile on her face.

"Yup." Sara sat back and smiled. "I told her about us. About the babies. She's happy and she wants a picture."

"Awww." Tegan handed Sara her phone. Sara had put it on the mattress between their legs when she sat down. "Come on. Take a picture and send it. Don't be mean."

Sara laughed. "Yes, I promised her I'll send her a picture."

"Come on. For the four of us." Tegan was getting ready. She fixed Rose's beanie and wiped the saliva off Scarlet's face.

Sara opened her camera and switched on to the front camera. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Tegan smiled and Sara snapped the picture. "Aww, so cute. Look, they're staring at the camera."

Sara smiled. "That's a good picture for all of you three and I just look like a huge nose and crooked teeth."

"Shut up, you look adorable."

"Well, she's mum. She knows my flaws." Sara sent the picture. "Here goes nothing."

"Now I want a picture of her."

"I'm scared you'll see her and question where I got the ugly genes from," Sara said. Her phone buzzed. "She responded."

"What did she say?" Tegan asked. She moved her face in order to read what was written on the screen.

"Sara, I am in tears. I am the happiest person alive. You have the most beautiful family ever. You're going to be an amazing mother, my love. God bless you all," Sara read. She looked up at her lover with teary eyes. She smiled.

"She deserves another chance," whispered Tegan.

"She does," confirmed Sara.