Warnings for this Chapter: Discussions of war crimes, miscarriage of justice, extremely dubious consent.

29. THREE VERSIONS

Holly tumbled out of the fireplace in Sirius and Remus' new living room, immediately sinking down on the plush carpet. By the time the vertigo and queasiness had passed, Sirius had one arm wrapped around her shoulders, her head tucked under his chin, and Remus was coming in from the kitchen with a tray of tea and crescent rolls.

"Ready to get up, pup?" Sirius asked, gently lifting her to her feet only to settle her on the sofa between the two Marauders.

"Sorry," Holly mumbled, resting her head on Sirius' chest. "Is it okay that I'm here? I know I should have asked…"

"You don't need to make an appointment when you wish to see us," Remus told her gently. "You're always welcome. Day or night."

Sirius nodded firmly in agreement, breathing a kiss into her hair and slinging his arms back around her. "And after we got your owl… I was just needling Remus for us to go to Hogwarts to check on you."

"Are you angry at me for…?" Holly motioned vaguely at her still flat stomach, but Sirius immediately shook his head.

"Of course not. I know this is not what you wanted and I'm furious with Riddle for that, but I would never think of you or any child of yours in anger. You're our pack, little one, and that's that."

"Though, full disclosure, Sirius had a small mental breakdown when he realised that he'll be a grandfather soon," Remus added, giving Holly a wink and lightly squeezing her shoulder. "He immediately commanded me to check for grey hair."

Holly chuckled a little wetly, whispering a heartfelt thank you.

"Now, how can we make you feel better?" Sirius asked. "Remus has already been compiling a reading list for all of us and of course, I'd be very happy if you told me to kick a certain someone's ass."

"I talked to him," Holly admitted softly, absently plucking at Sirius' shirt to avoid their eyes. "About this and… about my parents."

Their arms settled more securely around her, both wizards mostly silent as she repeated what Tom had told her, both about her pregnancy and regarding the war and his feud with Dumbledore.

"I always thought that it was the Dark side that started the war, that they were to blame for all the violence and death," she said at the end, a little hesitantly. "But Tom said that Dumbledore instigated everything and he made it seem as though the Order of the Phoenix was little more than Dumbledore's goon squad, that you started picking off his Death Eaters with no provocation or just cause and that's… that's not true, right?"

"Of course it isn't," Sirius replied immediately, but Remus sighed and she turned to him for a more balanced opinion.

"It's not how I remember it either, though I will admit that the situation escalated so quickly that it is perhaps hard to pinpoint now which side fired the first curse," Remus said. "And it's true that most of our missions were not sanctioned by the Ministry. Frank and Alice, who both worked for the Auror Department, were always very critical about that. They thought that the headmaster should turn over whatever evidence he had uncovered to the Ministry and let the Aurors handle any arrests since they had the right training. He always said that if James wanted to hunt Dark wizards, he should join the Auror programme and do it properly."

"Only my dad?"

"I couldn't have, as a werewolf. And for some reason, he thought Sirius did not have the right temperament to be an Auror," Remus said with a flash of a grin.

"Imagine that! When I was always the most level-headed one in our group!" Sirius shot back, giving Holly a light squeeze when she snorted in amusement.

"So then why didn't you do that? Let the Ministry and the Aurors handle it, I mean?"

"The headmaster's reasoning was that the Ministry was corrupt or at best overworked – both of which was correct – and that they were too often turning a blind eye," Remus explained. "And sometimes he also had us act to prevent future crimes, which of course did not fall into the purview of the Ministry."

"And what happened during those missions? Did you just arrest those Death Eaters and hand them over to the Aurors?" Holly asked a little uncertainly, not liking Remus' deep, troubled sigh.

"That was the idea, but it didn't always work out that way," Sirius admitted, his grey eyes more clouded than usual. "It was war, Holly, and I know you hate that argument, but it's true. And even without our side resorting to the Dark Arts – things got ugly sometimes."

"Ugly how?" Holly demanded, even though she dreaded the answer.

"There were many injuries, mostly small, but some not so easily fixed…," Remus finally offered carefully.

"Moody's leg, for example," Sirius interjected.

"… others not fixed at all," Remus continued with a sad expulsion of breath. "Towards the end of the war, it seemed no day went by without some bad news. We had many losses, Holly, and I'm willing to believe that it was the same for the other side."

"Not sure how much of a loss they were," Sirius remarked with a sneer, but Remus threw him a chiding look.

"Whatever crimes they committed, they still deserved a fair trial – and that was not a given, even when they were brought in alive," the werewolf said. "After the Ministry allowed the use of Unforgivables, many Death Eaters and their allies were killed resisting arrest. And if they were given a trial… well, I don't think there was ever much question what the verdict would be."

"Tom mentioned Melisandre Bulstrode's sister and David Travers' wife?" Holly asked carefully, not missing the way Sirius held her a little tighter or the sudden darkness in Remus' warm eyes.

"I don't remember hearing anything about Bulstrode's sister, but Imogen Travers…" Remus started reluctantly, only to be interrupted by Sirius.

"I'm not sure you should hear this, pup, not right now at least," he said, rubbing her arms.

"Because she was pregnant, too?" Holly demanded, reading the answer in Sirius' grim expression. "Tell me, please. I need to know."

The two Marauders exchanged a long look, clearly unhappy, before Remus spoke up again, his voice carefully soft and guarded as if he hoped to lessen the impact of his words, "We had received information about a possible Death Eater hideout and a group of us were dispatched by the headmaster to try and bring them in: Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Marlene McKinnon…"

"Benjy Fenwick," Sirius growled. "All of them dead or presumed dead now."

"What happened? Did something go wrong?"

"No, not at first," Remus replied uneasily. "The mission was a success, four or five Death Eaters apprehended and committed to the Ministry for questioning and their trial. Imogen Travers was one of them. Her husband had escaped arrest – I'm not sure if he just hadn't been there or if he fought his way out. They were questioned under Veritaserum and then sentenced in a joint session of the Wizengamot. They were executed that same day by Dementor's Kiss."

"But… the baby?" Holly asked weakly, wrapping her arms around her own stomach even as the horror of the truth shuddered through her.

"When they discovered that she had been with child, it was already too late," Sirius told her, none of his previous anger left in his voice.

She could feel their worry, heavy as Uncle Vernon's fists, knew that they had wanted to spare her from this, and she wanted to say something to reassure them somehow, but her throat felt too tight. David had never mentioned his family, but she hadn't needed words, not really, not when he felt like such a dark pit of misery, the sadness wrapped around him like a shroud, filling all the jagged crevices of his broken being. She had known that something horrible must have happened.

And she had also known that justice in the Wizarding world wasn't applied equally or fairly. She had said as much when they had been at Flourish & Blotts, but now she wondered if the truth wasn't perhaps even worse than what she had feared. She had heard so often about the crimes committed by the Dark side, the torture of the Longbottoms, the murder of the McKinnons, Prewetts, Bones', Potters. There had been pain, outrage, cries for justice and a sense of vindication when it had supposedly been served. But how many crimes had gone unmentioned and unpunished just because the victims had been on the wrong side of the war?

It wasn't right and she could understand the anger and bitterness that had simmered just beneath Tom's gentle, careful recounting. He hadn't wanted to hurt her, not with his faulty contraception spell, not with what he regarded as the truth. And it hadn't felt like he was lying.

"What are you thinking, pup?" Sirius asked when she had been silent for too long.

"I don't know. I don't know what to believe anymore. Dumbledore says that Tom is evil, that he hates Muggleborns and wants to kill all Muggles, and I know that's not true. But Tom thinks that Dumbledore somehow wanted him to become a Dark Lord, that he was willing to accept all the bloodshed and death that would follow to further his own power, and that seems just as unlikely. So what's the truth?"

"I'm afraid things are seldom as clear-cut as we would like them to be, Holly," Remus murmured gently. "And it's much easier to see the wrongs committed against us than admit to the mistakes we might have made ourselves. I think the truth probably lies somewhere in-between and only you can decide whether you can forgive either one of them for the part they played in it."

"Tom loves me," Holly whispered, pressing her fisted hand against her chest where Tom's love had slammed into her – a feeling of warmth and safety and strength so all-encompassing that for a moment it had wiped clear all other emotions.

"He'd better," Sirius grumbled, lightly kissing her forehead. "But I don't think that's the question, pup."

"I guess not," Holly admitted with a sigh, snuggling back down between them and closing her eyes for a few moments. "I don't think I want to be angry at him anymore. And I don't want my child to grow up without its father. Is that… Is that okay?"

"Of course," Sirius murmured gently. "Just as long as you leave some room for two doting, devilishly handsome and still incredibly young granddads."

"Always," Holly promised with a grin, lifting up to buzz both their cheeks with a kiss. "Thank you."

"Just to be clear, I still don't think you should let him get off scot-free," Sirius added. "His head is big enough as it is and I won't have him thinking he can break the contract without consequence."

"Oh, believe me, there will be consequences," Holly replied, her grin widening. "I plan to do some renegotiating and this time I will be the one to dictate the terms."

§*§*§*§*§

Despite her confident words, she felt less than sure when it was actually time to put them into practise, and Tom's masked nervousness was not given to change that.

"Did you have a good time at your godfathers'?" Tom said after he had watched her pace for a few minutes, breaking the tense silence and making her jerk to a sudden stop.

"You said you weren't the nurturing type," Holly demanded, much more sharply than she had intended. "When we talked about children."

"I did," Tom admitted slowly, cautiously.

"That won't work for me," Holly declared in her most commanding tone. "I'm going to keep this baby and if you want to be a part of that, you will have to step up. Tell me now, if you don't think you can do that."

"Holly, of course. Of course I want that. I'm committed to you – and to our family," Tom promised in his most earnest tone. "I already set up a vault for our child and I promise it shall want for nothing."

"I'm not talking about money, Tom!" she retorted angrily. "I'm talking about giving hugs, reading bedtime stories, helping with homework, kissing skinned knees and checking for monsters under the bed. I'm talking about care… about love."

"I know, Holly, and I want to do all that as long as you allow me," Tom murmured soothingly, slinging his arm around her waist and pulling her against his chest. "I can't promise you that I'll be the perfect father, and while I'm sure that you will be the most wonderful mother imaginable, I don't think you can or should strive for perfection, either. We'll make mistakes. We'll mess up. But I promise you, our child will never feel as unwanted or as unloved as we did growing up. I promise you that."

He pressed the softest kiss against her temple, his large hand resting lightly on her stomach and she relaxed despite herself, melting against his strong chest and puffing out a small breath of grudging contentment. "Fine."

Tom held her gently for a few minutes, as if he knew that they both needed some time to settle down, a few moments of comfort and quietude, just tracing his fingers in reverent circles over her middle and allowing her to rest her cheek against his chest.

"Can you forgive me?" he finally asked, so softly it was barely a whisper.

Holly sighed deeply, trying to suppress the feeling that she was somehow betraying her parents, dishonouring their memory even though Sirius and Remus had assured her that her parents would want her to be happy, first and foremost, and not commit herself to misery out of some misguided sense of loyalty to them.

"Yes." She gave a minute nod, a little overwhelmed by the answering flood of relief she could feel from the Dark Lord. "But I won't be your weapon, Tom. I won't let you use me in your feud against Dumbledore, because… I believe you feel that he has wronged you and you have a right to be angry about that. I'm angry at him, too, for how he tried to manipulate me and all the rest, but what you did to me… it was so much worse, and if I forgive you, I have to forgive him, too. So keep me out of it. Or I'm not sure whose side I'll choose."

"Okay, Holly. But I still have to ask: Do you believe me?"

"I don't think you lied," Holly murmured. "And Remus and Sirius confirmed some of it. But they also remember the war quite differently and Remus said that what we believe to be true always depends on our perspective on things."

"And you don't think that my perspective is the same as yours?" Tom asked gently.

"I don't think your perspective is the same as Dumbledore's," she corrected, smiling a little when Tom snorted out a laugh. "Exactly. So can that be enough for now?"

"Of course, kitten," Tom agreed without any hint of reluctance, squeezing her fingers carefully. "You are as wise as you are beautiful and I'm lucky enough that you have the kind heart to match."

"I still have conditions, Tom," Holly argued, winding out of his arms when he tried to kiss her and glaring at him when she saw his lips quirk. "I mean it! I want to change the contract."

"As is your right, since I broke it," Tom replied easily, inviting her to sit down with a gesture and then summoning a self-inking quill and charming it with a quick flick of his wrist to hover attentively over a fresh roll of parchment, ready to take notes, she presumed. "Please."

Holly hesitated, studying him for any signs of mockery and crossing her arms defensively across her chest.

"I know I broke your trust, Holly, and that the thought of being a mother, at your age, must be frightening and overwhelming. So if it will help you to feel safe with me again, I'm more than happy to let you set new rules," Tom said with a very patient smile. "If I may, though, I would advise against outright changing any of the main clauses as that would mean involving both Dumbledore and Fudge, which I'd personally like to avoid. But we can certainly amend any of the subsections and talk about how you want us to approach our joint parenthood."

She took a deep breath before nodding slightly, gathering her courage to find her words, to make the changes she needed to make.

Tom, to his credit, acquiesced graciously to all her demands while the quill scratched away on the parchment, sometimes asking her to clarify some point and going to some lengths to reassure her that he had no intention of using their child as leverage against her, that he would love them whether or not they possessed any magic and that he wouldn't make any decisions over her head. In truth, he made it easy for her, never showing any impatience, encouraging her when she fumbled with her words and actually offering his own suggestions to include all the privileges he had granted her so far – from her private bedroom in Slytherin Castle to the freedom to use the Floo whenever she liked – as contractual rights. She should have known it was too good to last.

"What?" She flinched back at the sudden sharpness of his tone, banging hard against the edge of Tom's writing desk and yelping in pain.

"We can do something like when I had my period, if you insist on it," she muttered reluctantly.

"If I insist on it?"

"You said we couldn't change any of the main terms and according to the contract I have to be 'available' to fulfil my marital obligations once a week," she reminded him bitterly. The wording in the contract still rankled with her, as did this entire conversation, and she felt her eyes start to burn. "I thought you wanted me to feel safe."

"I do," Tom replied immediately, reaching her with two quick strides. "And I'm not arguing, Holly, I'm just trying to understand. I'm shocked. You never indicated that you didn't like our time together."

"I told you it hurt," Holly pointed out, shying another step back to stay out of his reach.

"That was your first time, Holly!" Tom protested, running his hands through his hair in agitation. "You never said anything after that and I thought… You had no trouble telling me when you didn't want me to touch you or kiss you or move into your personal space!"

"Because none of that's in the contract," Holly replied, wrapping her arms around herself. "The marital obligations are."

"You still could have talked to me, Holly," Tom argued, sounding absolutely gutted. "Salazar, I would never have forced you, forced myself on you."

"I know, I know that now. I just… I didn't at first and then… there were so many things out of my control – when I panicked or I lashed out or just needed space and you were great about all of that. This… it wasn't so bad and it seemed easier not to say anything, not to make a thing out of it." Holly sighed, ineffectively swallowing against the tears as Tom's guilt mixed with her own unhappy feelings. "And I consented, Tom, you even have it in writing."

"Consent is not free will, though. I should have seen that, I should have understood how much I was -" He looked up then and broke off abruptly when he saw her tears. He hissed out a curse, closing the distance between them and pulling her in against his chest, seemingly before thinking better of it. "Please tell me this is okay, Holly, please, because I can't stand to watch you suffer like this."

In response, Holly wrapped her arms around his middle and smothered a hiccoughing sob against his chest. "Hold me," she whispered and Tom complied without delay, carefully scooping her up and sinking down in his armchair so that she could snuggle comfortably into him, cradled safely in his strong, gentle arms.

"I'm so sorry, Holly," Tom whispered some time later, pressing a kiss into her unruly hair. "So indescribably sorry. When I came up with the idea of the contract, I knew hardly anything about you and it seemed wise to remedy that as quickly as possible. I somehow thought that a weekly ritual of intimacy – and be it only physical – would help us to be open with one another. I truly never meant to force you."

"You just wanted me vulnerable, at your mercy, so that when I broke down you could magnanimously grant me a stay of execution and I'd be in your debt," Holly finished for him, feeling Tom's sigh puff against her cheek.

"A colossal error in judgement," he admitted apologetically. "I have never met anyone who was as truly courageous as you are, my little lioness, and I underestimated your strength, yet again."

"And my stubbornness," Holly pointed out, glad when she saw Tom's lips twitch with a grin. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I could feel it."

"But I did nonetheless?" Tom asked carefully, sighing when she gave him a minute nod. "And may I ask if you experienced physical pain even after that first time?"

Holly nodded again, unable to stop herself from tensing and Tom's embrace grew infinitely gentler in response. "It just wasn't how I imagined it would be. And Sirius said that if it hurts, you're doing it wrong. I think you were doing it wrong."

Tom barked out an entirely unamused laugh. "I was doing everything wrong, Holly."

"Not everything," Holly protested. "You've been far nicer to me than I ever dared to hope for. You've been respectful and patient and kind. You listened to me and you never made me feel like my opinion didn't matter even when we didn't agree with each other. You made me feel safe. I don't want any of that to change, despite the lengthy list I just gave you."

"Then it won't," Tom promised, breathing a row of kisses on her temple, her cheek, the corner of her mouth. "But I will improve on it, kitten."

"Good," Holly said. "You can start by kissing me, properly. I'm not some fragile little thing, you know?"

"I have noticed that, yes," Tom gave back with amusement, cupping her face and leaning down to claim her lips in a proper kiss, still soft and gentle, but thorough enough to bring a deep flush to her cheeks. It was an auspicious new start, she thought, even if she could taste his guilt on her tongue.