Tegan sat on the mattress with one of her daughters in her hands and the other next to her seated form. When Sara entered the room, Tegan was undressing the infants for the third time of the day to try another outfit she had her eye on for the past hour. The baby was whiny. She didn't know which one she was holding, but from the constant crying she assumed it was Scarlet. She did not care, though.
"Tee, tee, calm down," Sara said, running to her wife's side. She took the little girl from her mother's hand and rocked her gently. "Don't tell me you're changing their clothes again."
"So what if I am?" Tegan questioned. She picked the quiet one, probably Rose. She giggled when the infant stared at her in wonder. "Look at those cute cheeks. I'm gonna die looking at you." She kissed the ten-day-old baby.
Sara was fascinated with the affection she had never expected, but also a tad worried because Tegan did not leave the bed unless she was told to. She spent most of the time staring at the babies, playing with them, or feeding them. It was exactly the opposite of what she had shown before. Sara thought Tegan would not want to be around them, would not want to feed them ever, would not tolerate their cries and dirty diapers, but she took it all in and enjoyed it.
"I know they're cute, but you're annoying them," Sara responded, kissing her lover's temple. Tegan, however, began stripping off Rose, not caring about what Sara just said. "Tegan, they're not your dolls."
"Hey, don't yell," she said. "I hate what they're wearing." Sara looked down at the matching red overalls. She didn't see anything wrong with their outfits. Sara inspected the new outfit her wife had prepared; pink shorts and white shirts for each of them, an outfit Sonia had bought.
"There's nothing wrong with what they're wearing," Sara said calmly. "Plus, it's a bit cold for shorts. They're babies, they get cold."
"Babies don't get cold." Sara sighed frustratingly. "Just let me live my five-year-old fantasy, okay?"
"That was your five-year-old fantasy?" Sara chuckled.
"Yes." Tegan nodded, already changing Rose's outfit. Rose had begun to whine as well, which made her mother even more confused. It was strange how Sara was able to tell them apart but she needed longer time with better concentration to do that. She decided to give up and look for the clues like that mole on Rose's butt or the way Scarlet's face scrunched up before she cried. "Whenever we played house, I just wanted to be the mum but they always made me the husband. I hated it."
"Seriously?" Sara cackled. "I would have never guessed."
"I know, don't judge." Tegan finished changing for Rose and picked her up to inspect her work. "Look at the cuteness I have created. Look at this little pumpkin that I'm going to eat." She showered her with kisses, making her wife blush with elation. "Why are you so cute? Tell me now."
"Tee, you're cringe-worthy." Tegan put Rose on the mattress and took Scarlet from Sara. Scarlet began crying immediately. "See, she knows you're gonna torment her."
Tegan did not care. She removed her half-buttoned overalls and began putting on the other outfit. Sara just gave up and let her play with her babies as if they were her dolls. A happy Tegan was much better than a moody, bitchy one.
It had been ten days since the birth and each day Sara fell in love with her life, her wife, and her children more than the day before. She noticed that her mental health had changed as well. She didn't need the antidepressants any longer. She wasn't angry at the world. She wasn't jealous. In her case, getting what you wanted was the key to satisfaction; other tales of finding what you own enough were just big fat lies the world told to make you feel better about what you did not have.
She released a satisfied sight as she sat back on her chair in the afternoon. The babies had just fallen asleep and Tegan was relaxed, too. Therefore, Sara convinced her to sit outside and enjoy the spring breeze. The house was quiet because Stephen was at work and Sonia was visiting a relative. Sara put the baby monitor on the small table and made her wife rest her head on her lap. She nursed a cup of steaming green tea and enjoyed the serenity she had always dreamed of.
"I don't think I can be happier," she told her wife, "which really just scares me."
"Why?" questioned Tegan. Her voice was soft and gentle; a sleepy type of daze blanketed her mind.
"What if something seriously bad happens after this?" Tegan chuckled. "I'm a worrywart, I know."
"It's not that." Tegan hummed, closing her eyes. "It's just that…" She opened them again. Sara stared at the tired hazel. She thought she couldn't fall more in love but there she was; ready to worship this woman lying on her lap. Tegan yawned then continued, "I mean this isn't a movie or a book or a show. Like, you don't need to worry about something extremely terrible happening, because, like, this is life. Good things and bad things are always happening at the same time. If bad things happen it's because they already exist, we just have to focus on the good that comes along."
"Wow." Sara leaned down to give her a kiss. It was a bit hard. "You're amazing."
Tegan giggled. "I'm serious. Don't worry too much because this is just life and we have to deal with it."
"I'm serious, too." Sara winked. "You're so majestic I just feel like I'm the luckiest person on earth. Can love be so beautiful like this?" Tegan giggled again. "And sexy even after birth?"
"Oh, someone's still horny and getting hornier." Sara did blush, but she wasn't shy about it. She nodded. "Wow, Sare, you really have a mum fetish."
"No." Sara shook her head, cackling. "Shut up."
"You do," teased Tegan.
"No, Tee, I just stopped my antidepressants and I'm emotionally and mentally better so it's…it affects it."
"So your pussy is affected by the state of your mental health?"
Sara put the mug on the table because her laughter was bound to make her spill it. "Tee, stop it."
"I'm just happy you're happy." Tegan grinned.
"Are you?" Sara asked, her laugh lines softening the longer she waited for the response.
"I am," Tegan said. "I never thought I would feel this way and I have no idea where it came from but I am so happy I feel it." She sat up because her neck began to ache. No seating position felt comfortable enough for her lately. She knew why and she hoped the sensation would go away but it was taking too long. Sara said this uncomfortable feeling might accompany her for months until she forgot about it. That was the bad part. "I know it's very hard. I know that you're putting up with most of the nightly pain. I know all of that but I just feel good, you know. I love holding them, looking at them, changing their diapers, even feeding them. I just never thought I'd look forward to the hour that I have to feed them. It's beyond uncomfortable for me but I still like to do it just because it's them. I'm in love with them and I never thought I would be. I was so anxious I might hate them." Tegan chuckled.
"I know." Sara nodded quietly. "That's why I'm a bit worried. I expected you would push them away for awhile and I just see the opposite. I'm also worried you're hurting yourself. You need rest and you don't give yourself much of it."
"I'm resting all the time. It's you who needs rest, too."
"I'm fine, Tee." Sara grabbed the mug again to sip. "I just don't get much sleep so that's why I've been a bit dizzy lately."
But Tegan, too, worried about her wife. Just two nights before Sara almost fainted if it wasn't for Sonia who caught her. She had been sleep-deprived and running on caffeine and excitement. It was not good for her health, but she didn't listen to anyone's advice.
The babies required feeding every two to three hours which was a pain for the two mothers. If Tegan was not breastfeeding, she was pumping; and if Sara was not feeding, she was changing diapers, bathing them or rocking them. Both looked forward to going home, but both were aware the help Tegan's family gave them was not present in Canada. Stacy did promise to give a helping hand once they were back, but Sara knew the woman was too busy to do that. Tegan's friends were too young and inexperienced to be helpful as well.
In the afternoon, when Sonia returned home, she informed the couple that Tegan's grandmother was visiting the next day.
"She wants to see the babies," said Sonia restlessly. Sara sensed the harbored nerves.
"Ugh," whined Tegan. She was in her room with the two babies nursing. "I don't want to show them to her."
"Well, I don't want her in my house too, but we have to deal with it." Sonia sighed. She mumbled something under her breath about her mother-in-law but Sara couldn't hear it.
"Mum, she will scare the babies and call Sara something stupid and make me cuss her and then dad will be angry and then she'll call you a whore, okay?" Sonia's eyes widened. "What? It's not like she doesn't think it."
"I am not a whore," Sonia said. Sara was amused that the older woman took the insult personally.
"I said she will call you that."
"No, she knows I'm not a whore. She will call me stupid, or ignorant, or very open minded…"
"Mum," Tegan said with gritted teeth. "It was a joke, chill."
"You're not any of those, Sonia," Sara said. "And, Tegan, just ignore her tomorrow."
"Ugh, why are you so kind to people all the ti…fuck my life, that hurts," Tegan exclaimed, the pull from her youngest daughter made her interrupt her own sentence. "Motherfucker, suck properly."
"Hey, don't call her that," Sara said. She hated how much Tegan cursed at the babies she claimed she loved so much.
Tegan hissed and closed her eyes. "It hurts," she whispered.
"I know, but don't call them that," Sara said again. Sonia huffed and left the room. "There's something wrong with your mum."
"I know."
"What is it?" Tegan picked up Rose and handed her to Sara. She reached for the cream on her nightstand to rub some on her nipple. Scarlet was still latched onto her.
"I don't know, but she's been off lately." Sara sighed. "My grandma coming here is never happy news for her." Sara was burping Rose and Tegan began burping Scarlet after she made sure her baby was full. "My grandma has been nothing but emotional abuse to mum. She actually did call her whore once. Mum doesn't know that, though."
"You're kidding," Sara mumbled in disbelief.
"Yeah. It was when I came out. She said that a whore would only raise another." Sara's jaw dropped.
"Why are you even talking to her still? Does your dad not know that?" Tegan shrugged. "And what does being gay have anything to do with being a whore?"
"My grandmother is shit. Dad claimed it was old age that made her so mean. I promised him not to tell mom."
Sara blinked and wrinkled her nose when the bad odor got into her nostrils. "Oh God, you smell disgusting," she said to her baby. "Let's go get you changed."
"Are you gonna give them a bath?" Tegan asked. She was still not allowed to participate in any of those chores. She couldn't bend or walk long distances. She definitely couldn't exercise or lift anything heavy.
"If your mum is in this terrible mood, I don't think I can ask her." Sara looked around for the diapers. The room was a mess and every nook and corner was filled with something for their babies. Ten more days and she went back home. Only ten more days. She took a deep breath and removed the diaper, almost gagging at the view. "Please, God, what is this?"
Tegan laughed from her place. Sara couldn't get used to it no matter how many times she changed diapers during the day.
The babies fell asleep a little bit after eight, so Sara decided to rest her body and mind with slumber as well. She told Tegan that it was a good time for them to get rested because their daughters might wake up and ask to be fed in few hours, and who knew if they were going to fall asleep again or not!
Tegan complied even though she was not that sleepy. Once Sara put her head on the pillow, Tegan was able to hear the soft snoring noise. After half an hour, Sara's arm slapped her face and a few words were mumbled here and there. Sara was in a deep sleep and Tegan couldn't close an eye.
The crying sounds gradually increased in the bedroom the more Sara focused. She groaned when the crying got louder. When she opened her eyes, the room was pitch dark and Tegan was still asleep. She wanted to cry. She desperately needed to rest, yet she was awakened again and nobody was there to help her.
"Shhh," she shushed but nobody listened. "I'm comin'." She sat up and reached for her lap. Once she switched it on, she grabbed her phone. It was a little bit after midnight. Sara was surprised the babies slept that long.
"Sara," her wife mumbled, "please make them stop." A whiny moan escaped the younger woman's lips. "I barely slept." Sara heard a faint cry, perhaps just a whimper. She sighed in defeat and got up.
Both of them had been crying and Sara couldn't tell if they woke up together or one woke the other with her crying. Usually Scarlet woke up first and cried enough to make her sister start crying. It was a cycle; when one slept, the other woke up. When one woke up, she would cry, and so the other would cry, too. The best solution was to separate them and put each one in a different crib and a different room, but Sara could never do that.
She picked up one and the other started screeching because she was not chosen first. She knew she needed help at that moment but nobody did help her. She instantly remembered Stacy's wish for her to have twins and suffer taking care of them. She, too, started crying as she changed Scarlet's diaper while Rose screeched.
It was Rose's turn to have her diaper changed, but then it was Scarlet's turn to express her anger with Sara putting her down; she began causing a scene in which her other mother condemned with tsks, cursing, and groans.
Sara picked both of them up, hoping she would not drop anyone, and left the room. She didn't know where she would go and the house was still and dark. She decided to go to Ted's bedroom since it was close and had a mattress she could rest on with the babies in her arms. Once she reached there, she saw Sonia on that mattress.
Sonia woke up at the sound. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," Sara apologized quickly, the two babies were held in each hand. "I thought I'd feed them here because they were so loud in Tegan's room…"
"It's fine, it's fine." Sonia sat up. "Get them here. Come on. Give them to me." Sonia seemed concerned with the tears streaming down Sara's face and the way the woman was going through an obvious anxiety attack. "Go get their milk." Sara nodded quickly and went out, leaving the hungry babies with Grandma.
Sonia put both of them down on the pillow next to her. She faced them as they whined and whimpered, begging for food. They were so tiny and their skin was soft. They looked exactly like her daughter at that tender age. She was old enough to take care of a baby when she birthed Tegan, but her daughter wasn't. And, therefore, the wife had to spend each night wide awake feeding them and taking care of them. At the beginning Sonia thought it's fair since she was the one with the deep need to have an offspring, but watching the pain Sara was going through made her feel bad for the professor. Often times she helped her at nights or during the day, but sometimes she simply couldn't. Tegan did help during the day, too. She did feed and change diapers and play with them, but most of the work was done by Sara.
"I'm so sorry," Sara said again when she entered the room the second time. The bottles were in her hands and her tears were dry. Her face was wet with water. Sonia took the two bottles and smiled lazily.
"Stop apologizing. How would you know I'm here?"
Sara nodded. The fear and intimation was still present. Sara still apprehended Sonia despite her growing attempts at being friendly.
"I don't know how you'll do this when you go back, Sara," whispered Sonia. "You truly need some help with them and my daughter isn't helping at all, especially at night. Plus you're going back to work soon."
"I don't know either." Sara sighed. "I'm anxious but I really wanna go home."
"I know." They both looked at the two infants, nursing peacefully and happily. Their small legs moved a little bit. They looked like a replica of each other. Sara couldn't believe they were hers, all hers. She had dreamed of that. Even the pain they caused was still comfort to her worry-filled chest. "Do you love them?"
Sara chuckled at the question. "Seriously?"
Sonia laughed. "When I first birthed Tegan I hated her. I truly did. Not like hated her as in real hate. I just hated being around her. Didn't have those feelings with Ted."
"Why?" Sara asked.
"I don't know." Sonia shrugged. "I was in so much pain. I spent three years trying to conceive her and when I finally got pregnant I was so happy, but then as soon as she was there in front of me I felt like I didn't deserve her. I was overwhelmed."
Sara frowned. She knew it was the opposite with her mother. She was not planned; a mistake, but her mother loved her so much. That's what the mother said. "Why did you feel like you didn't deserve her?"
"I guess because she's an IVF baby?" Sara's eyes widened; she hadn't known before. "She hasn't told you?" Sonia laughed a little. "Back then it was a bit hard to have an IVF baby. Not hard, but not as common as it is now. So I felt like I cheated nature or something." Sonia sighed then continued, "Her being so noisy and whiny didn't help as well. She never stopped crying. It really took me a long time to get used to her around and then fall in love with her."
"I understand you because I am still overwhelmed I was given this gift of two babies instead of the one I lost." Sara paused and smiled to herself before continuing, "But I'd take those cries and the restless nights and all their disgusting diapers and their screams any day over not hearing the voice of my baby, having them almost dead between my two hands." Sara took a deep breath. She needn't cry about the past now. It was over. She was better.
"I'm sorry," Sonia mumbled. "Can I ask you something?"
Sara nodded with a slight chuckle.
"I guess this is personal, but I would like to know if you want to baptize them or not." She bit on the lower lip, afraid of the response. And Sara seemed taken aback for a second before she gave her an answer she needed.
"I would really love to," Sara mumbled. "But I don't think Tegan would want it." Sara looked down and held one moving hand that belonged to Scarlet. "She dismissed the idea of godparents altogether."
Sonia nodded quietly. "I was going to ask her but I didn't want the bitchy retorts."
"Well, you know her well."
Silence fell between them as Sara's children began drifting off to sleep again. Sara yawned and wished she could close an eye. She thanked God Sonia was there in the room, though she still didn't know why she was not in hers. She was curious, but too bashful to ask.
"Why were you crying before?" Sonia asked her instead.
"I was so dizzy and tired. I felt like I was gonna drop them." Her cheeks reddened but nobody was able to witness a change of complexion in the dark room. "Why are you in this room if I may ask?"
Sonia laughed her honey laugh, almost unbelievable to Sara's ears. "Stephen snores," she answered. "It gets worse with time." She sighed contently. "And we may have had an argument earlier about a silly matter."
Sara nodded. Tegan was just like her mother; best method to solve issues for them was to run away.
Eventually, Sara fell asleep next to her children, who were asleep between her posture and Sonia's seated one. Sonia smiled down at the three as she recalled the time Tegan slept next to her in that hotel room in Canada. It was the darkest time for her. She had to separate her daughter from a dying woman. There she was, sharing a bed with the same woman and her own grandkids. Life was amusing and definitely ironic.
In the morning Sara decided to sit outside with her babies. Rose was wrapped in a sling around her while Scarlet was wrapped in another one around her other mother. They were having breakfast while bonding with their children. Tegan had woken up at dawn to find Sara and her mother with her infants in her brother's bedroom. By that time, her girls had already woken up again and Sara was feeding them again. She took them from Sara and began feeding them. Sara fell asleep while she sat and played with the active babies until they drifted off. She could barely sleep until they were wide awake a third time and that was it. Sara woke up early, too. She prepared breakfast while Sonia was at work. She knew Tegan could be nervous about her grandmother visiting later in the evening, but, surprisingly, she wasn't. She did not care anymore.
"Sara, when is this weird discharge gonna stop?" asked Tegan. She had a frown on her pale face. The sun made her squint. "I'm beginning to get a pad rash."
Sara looked at her for a second. She smiled apologetically with a flushed face. "I'll show you how to treat that after breakfast. It's very simple. You just have to stick to it."
"Ugh, what is it?" Tegan whined as she chewed her egg.
Sara cackled at her wife's impatience. "Just some ointment you're going to put there delicately. Three times a day. I know you're not doing it, but don't shave at all, even in another week or two. You can't even bend down, so don't do it, please." Tegan nodded. "It's just something you have to put up with for awhile, my love."
"I hate it," mumbled the younger woman. "Men don't have to deal with this shit."
"It's alright baby. You won't be pregnant again." Sara noticed that her daughter was pushing herself against her chest. She reached for the bottle on the table to feed her.
"She wants food?" Tegan asked.
"Yeah," Sara said quickly, watching as Rose took what she offered with ease and closed her eyes to enjoy her meal. "She's seriously hurting me with her head against my breasts. I'm on HRT again and I'm very tender."
"Tell me about it." Sighed her wife. "This one isn't giving me room to breathe, too." Tegan kissed her head. "But she's comfy and I'm enjoying her."
Later, the house seemed troubled with nerves and apprehension as everyone waited for the guest to arrive. Sonia returned from work early to clean and dust off every corner. She made sure to choose the prettiest outfits for the babies. Tegan, as usual, objected.
"The fuck, mum?" Tegan yelled when she left the bathroom. Sonia had asked Sara to help Tegan shower. Her daughter was in a towel and her hair was wet. "No. No. No," objected Tegan.
"What's wrong?" asked Sonia. She looked at Sara's confounded face. The professor's eyes were focused on the babies. Tegan was staring at them in anger. "They look pretty."
"Dresses? Seriously? They're barely two weeks old. Don't force your stupid dress fantasy on them."
"Tegan," shouted the mother.
"What?" shouted back the daughter.
"Don't talk to me like that. They're just kids and I thought a nice outfit would shut that fucking bitch up."
"That's your problem." Huffed Tegan. "You just want to please her badly but she won't ever be pleased with you. She hates you. Just accept it, mum."
Sonia left the room without another remark and Tegan stared at her wife guiltily. Sara walked up to the babies and picked them up to place them in their crib because they had been left alone on Tegan's mattress.
"Was that too far?" Tegan asked.
"Well…" Sara began helping her getting dressed. She rubbed both arms first, warming them up, making the younger woman blush. "You could have just not said any of that." Sara shrugged before grabbing Tegan's bra to help her wear it.
"But it's infuriating."
"I know." Tegan was in her undies already; Sara had helped her in the bathroom. The next item was the T-shirt Tegan chose. It was black and unflattering, but she still couldn't wear tight clothing and had to wear leggings or dresses and, surely, she chose the former option. "But they're just dresses and they're only babies. You can make babies wear whatever you want until they tell you what they want or don't want to wear."
"But I don't want to make them wear dresses," argued Tegan. She wiped her falling tears. Perhaps she was as sensitive as everyone had expected her to be after pregnancy.
"What if I want them to?" Sara asked calmly. "They're my babies, too."
Tegan nodded. She felt like an asshole; not only because she didn't include Sara in her decision, but also because she said those hurtful words to her mother and now she had to apologize. She hated doing that. She had always made that mistake. She said whatever bullshit that came out of her mouth and then regretted it because her mother was a pro at silent treatment. She had to beg for forgiveness a few times. Her mother was a drama queen just like her and words hurt her easily. She had honestly forgotten that part and now she remembered how awful it made her feel, she realized she was more than ready to go back home.
"Plus," Sara continued as she brushed her hair for her, "they look adorable. So small and so adorable." She kissed her head three times before leaning down to kiss her lips, forcing the smile to adorn her face. "Don't cry, my sunshine." She kissed her forehead. "Go talk to her. Try to put up with the next few days and just do whatever she wants. Just nine more days."
Her wife was absolutely right. They were just nine more days and those bad feelings were going to evaporate the moment she stepped into her real home with her wife and babies.
Sara got dressed and fixed her makeup quickly. She decided to be more casual than the last time she'd seen the grandmother. That hateful woman was just not worth it. Sara put on her comfortable black jeans and a simple white shirt. She lifted up the sleeves and unbuttoned the first two buttons. She sang for her babies as they rested in their crib and laughed whenever she was awarded with some movement. She took time kissing them and playing with them until Tegan was back with a fresh smile on her face declaring that she and her mother were on good terms.
"You're playing with them," Tegan announced loudly.
"Yeah, can't I?"
Tegan laughed. "No. I mean I haven't seen you ever playing with them. Like, the way I do?" Sara nodded. She picked up Scarlet, whose thumb was in her mouth. "Oh my God, no. Get her thumb out, please. She'll end up like me." Sara looked at her baby but didn't disturb her comfort.
"She's comfortable. Leave her be." She handed her to Tegan, who kissed her head. "I do play with them, by the way. Mostly at night when I'm trying to get them to sleep and you're asleep." Winked Sara and blushed Tegan.
"Well, mommy still has an aching back and never-ending cramps, especially at night." Sara held Rose in her arms as they exited the bedroom.
"I know. That's why mummy doesn't disturb mommy's rest."
"I love how you correct my mommy into your mummy all the time and I just imagine you as an actual mummy," Tegan said and Sara snorted.
The awaited guest arrived with all her black glory. She had gotten a new haircut, Sara noted. She reminded her of Helen Mirren except Sara doubted the famous actress could be that hateful. The grandmother was slim and short, as short as Tegan. She still glared at everyone, except her son, and still pointed with her cane.
She did hug Tegan, though. She ghosted Sara and said a simple hello to Sonia. She sat down and everybody followed. She stared at the couple with poignant emerald eyes and then pointed with her cane towards them. "Where are the babies?" she asked.
"They fell asleep so I got them back in my bedroom," answered Tegan. "I'll bring them here once they wake up."
"Aha." Nodded Grandma. "And how are your stitches?"
"Beginning to heal."
Grandma nodded again and then inspected the multiple tattoos on Sara's arms. She didn't say anything about them. She eyed Sonia and then spoke, "Are you helping her with motherhood?"
"Yes, Margot, I am." Sonia smiled politely. "All of us are. She's handling it well."
"She's too young," objected the grandmother. "Say, why didn't you get pregnant instead?" she asked Sara. "Are you barren?"
"I am," Sara answered sharply. Tegan sighed.
"Grandma, can we not?"
"How old are you exactly?" The infamous smirk was there and Tegan was beginning to tear up. Her anger made her more sensitive; she wanted to cry instead of yelling.
"Thirty-six," answered Sara. "I've had womb cancer and had to remove my uterus and ovaries." Tegan's tears began to fall down.
"And why are you crying?" questioned Margot.
"Because you're so hateful and I have no idea what you're doing here. You make everyone feel uncomfortable and you hate mum and me and my wife. I don't know why you want to see my babies."
"Tegan," Sonia shouted, "behave." Tegan just cried. Surprisingly, Stephen didn't say anything. Sara held her wife's hand.
"I don't hate any of you," said Margot with a shocked octave. "Where did you get this idea from?" Sara almost laughed at the ironic words. "If I hated any of you, I wouldn't have bothered visiting. I never visit that whore Annabelle or her girls." Annabelle was Tegan's aunt. The girls were her cousins; the cousins she hated. "I just don't agree with your lifestyle but I don't hate you or Sonia."
Sonia seemed happy to hear that. Sara noticed the cheeks growing rosy in hue and the shadow of a smile displayed on her face. Pathetic.
"Well, you make me feel bad and you make her feel terrible about herself. The other day you insulted my wife and called her old."
"She's old compared to your age; this is a fact." Margot pointed at Sara with her cane.
"She's not," Tegan said. "I love her and she loves me and that's all everyone should care about."
"She's sensitive," Sara commented. "Umm…it's…"
"I know how women tend to be after birth, you don't have to educate me." Sara nodded in defeat. No hope, she concluded.
"I'm just so angry with you right now, Grandma." Tegan got up and left the room. Sara wanted to follow but Margot rained her questions down on her. She did not leave an angle of her life she did not investigate. She asked about her parents and her past. She nodded and hummed and commented after each question. Sara knew she did not owe the woman any explanation, but she was trying her best not to be rude for her in-laws.
Sonia declared dinner was ready after what seemed to be forever. Margot was accompanied to the spacious dining room, adding remarks about her other grandkids and receiving impartial replies from her son.
Tegan was called down again. Margot had demanded it. She did not want to start dinner unless her granddaughter was there. The granddaughter came down with a scowl. Sara kissed her and whispered the truth in her ears why she couldn't go up. That was so like her grandmother; she knew the hoary woman did it on purpose to distract any potential affection.
"Rose woke up and pooped herself and it was all over her dress and her sister's so I changed their clothes," Tegan announced triumphantly after finishing food. Sara almost choked on her wine. "I fed them again and they went back to sleep."
Sara wanted to cry silently; that meant another sleepless night for her. Sonia shook her head and Margot glared in displeased silence.
"I want to see them before I go."
"I'll bring them down," Sara announced. She stood up.
"No, don't wake them up," said Tegan.
"Tee, they have to wake up. They won't sleep all night." Sonia stood up to help her. Tegan huffed.
"Did they really ruin the dresses or is she making that up?" Sonia asked Sara when they were alone in Tegan's bedroom.
"God knows." Sara was not feeling well. Her body ached. Thinking about the sleepless night ahead of her made her head throb, too. She also felt nauseous and hot.
Margot was nicer with the babies than she was with their mothers. She smiled at them and tried to play with them despite their endless shrieks and cries.
"They have beautiful names," remarked Grandma. Sara's eyes popped open in surprise. "My sister's name is Scarlet."
Stephen nodded. "And your mum's name is Evelyn," he added.
"It's my mother's too, actually," said Sara with a faint smile.
Unimpressed, Margot nodded. "They cry way too much though," she said. "Just like Tegan." That was the only truth she had said, Sara thought. She hid her smile. "When are you going to baptize them?" Then came the question both Sara and Sonia were afraid of. Everyone looked at indecisive Tegan. After chatting about it the first time a week before, Sara didn't talk to her wife about it again.
"We're not," Tegan answered confidently and quickly. Sara frowned. Sonia furrowed her brows. Stephen looked nervous.
"Pardon me?"
"It's just we're leaving in nine days and we haven't decided on godparents yet so it might take some time to decide. We might do it in Canada," Sara thought about saving the situation but Tegan's intense gazes informed her that she had said something she would regret later. Though Margot dropped the subject, Sara did regret it later.
Tegan shouted that her wife didn't have to give a false promise to everyone. "I thought we agreed."
"We didn't," Sara shouted back. "I asked you and you said you didn't want to. In fact, I want to baptize them. I want Stacy and Adam to be godparents. I want all that bullshit you don't believe in."
"My God," screamed Tegan. Sonia was in the room and she was speechless. "I married you for your open-mindedness. If I had known you're an image of your mum, I wouldn't have married you, Sara. I don't want religion in my life. I don't want it."
"What are you going to lose if we dip them in water?"
"Do that in the fucking bathtub and call it a day." Both were crying then. Sonia didn't know what to do or say. She had the babies crying on one side and their mothers adding to the noise on the other.
"Stop it," yelled Sonia loudly. Both women stared at her with their red faces. "This is getting ridiculous. If you don't learn cooperation, communication, and actual argument skills this relationship is never going to work," she continued calmly. "Sometimes you have to do things for each other; you have to compromise, especially if whatever you're doing doesn't personally hurt you." That was directed towards her own daughter, who chuckled and sat down on the mattress, feeling the beats of her heart sing loudly inside her chest.
"You're only saying this because it's what you want."
"You're too fucking immature to be married," Sonia said irritatingly and left the room.
"What did I say now?" Tegan burst in tears. "Yes. I'm fucking young, I got it. They make me feel like I'm stupid."
"You know, Tegan, I think this has been a long day and you should rest. You're physically and mentally exhausted."
Sara, too, was physically and mentally exhausted. Another sleepless night awaited her. She had palpitations like her wife. She felt the room spinning whenever she stood up. Her hot flashes bothered her. She also had cramps; terrible cramps she couldn't tell the reason of. Despite all that, she portrayed strength and waited till her wife fell asleep so she could take care of the babies outside one more night.
Sonia was not in Ted's room that night. Sara sang softly to her babies as they stared at her in wonder. She loved their transparent eyes and the way they moved them towards any voice. They always calmed down around her. She put both of them against her chest and did not care about the pain they caused. She cried silently and rocked them to sleep as they lay in her arms.
"Sara?" a gentle voice startled her. She opened her eyes suddenly and tasted the salty tears against her lips. Her mother-in-law stood there with apparent concern masking her face. Her wrinkles loud and prominent; her glasses covered the bags underneath her eyes; her hair tied in a ponytail, she looked a lot like her daughter and she looked less meaner than usual. Sara attempted sitting up, but she had to do it slowly because the babies were both sleeping on her chest. Sonia helped her. She picked one and Sara picked the other.
Sonia put both infants right next to their mother. She put a pillow on the other side so they would not move or fall. She looked into Sara's eyes for a long time that Sara was sure her face was beet red. "Talk to me," she urged. "What's bothering you?"
Sara wiped her tears. She attempted to smile but she couldn't. "Is this about the baptism?" Sara shook her head. "Margot?" Sara shook her head again. Sonia looked down. She sighed. "Tegan?"
"I just don't feel so good." Sonia looked up. She squinted. "I've been nauseous all afternoon and I feel worse now. I have cramps. Really terrible cramps. I don't know why. I'm so dizzy." The cries increased. The professor buried her face in her hands and wept.
Sonia's hands removed hers. She squeezed them gently. She shushed her. "Sara, calm down," Sonia said but Sara cried. "Dear, I don't think you should be concerned. I honestly believe this is your anxiety making you feel like you have cramps." Sara shrugged like a little child. "It's quite impossible for you to get cramps if you're talking about uterus ones. You don't have a uterus. It could be your stomach and you're just…"
"Why am I so tired?" Sara cuddled up with her own self. She hugged her legs tightly and put her chin against her knees.
"Okay, honey, it's kind of normal to be exhausted when you have a newborn, let alone two crying, screaming, pooping, drooling babies." Sonia laughed when Sara chuckled. "You don't get enough sleep so it's normal." Why was she so nice? Why did she calm her down? Was that the same lady that yelled at her ten days before? She even rubbed her hands and touched knees. "But, Sara, I do think that you should get a checkup."
"I'm waiting to go back home."
"The thing is, umm, you should get one every month and you haven't done that except that time you had to…" Sara nodded. She did not want to be reminded of the time Tegan caused her to seek Sonia's help taking her to get checked. "That was more than a month ago."
"I know but…"
"You also need to get some blood tests done. I just think you need some vitamins. You do look a bit pale."
"Sonia, I…" Sara didn't know how to say it. How silly and ridiculous that would be! A woman her age and with her experience should not be bashful, but she was and it was even more embarrassing for her to say it. "I prefer going back home."
"Sara, are you shy?" Sara met the question with a quiet blank face. "I understand getting a physical can be a bit…uncomfortable but…"
"I really didn't feel comfortable with the doctor you took me to and I feel like if I go there again I might faint. Her hands were too rough and I felt like…" Sara started crying again. "I just want my doctor."
Sonia hugged her and shushed her. She couldn't stop crying. She stirred her own babies' sleep and caused them to whine. "I understand," whispered her mother-in-law. "It's fine. I'm not going to force you." Sara nodded. "I just want you to get blood-tested and I'll look into your results." Sara nodded again. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah." Sara wiped her tears and sat back against the headboard. "Thank you."
"You really are a lot like Tegan." Sonia brushed her fringe and pushed it back. It was awkward to receive that type of gentleness and affection from her in-laws but she had been craving for that type of attention since ever and she was more than ready to engulf it and nurse the great feeling it equipped her with. She couldn't admit it loudly, but she loved the care Sonia was providing. Her hands were soft and she reminded Sara of how great it was to have a mother or someone who could take care of her. "No wonder you found each other."
"Do you like me?" Sara asked. "I mean…" She blushed through the darkness. She perspired, too. "Do you accept me?"
Sonia laughed loudly; it made the infants stop their whimpers to focus on the voice. "Of course I do. I love you, in fact. You're the best person my daughter could marry. I saw how you calmed her down after your little argument today. I was just leaving the room and then I saw that and heard what you said. That's what every mother wants to see. You didn't even shout nor leave. You didn't storm out. You just told her to rest and neglected the topic of discussion. I loved seeing that."
"I love her so much," Sara admitted. "I don't think anybody can understand the amount of love I hold for her." Sara looked down at the little babies and smiled. "I even miss her sometimes. When we don't…touch, or kiss each other, or cuddle…I just miss her. I'm obsessed with her." Sara sighed. "I can't imagine my life without her anymore."
"I don't think I've ever witnessed such love," admitted the mother-in-law. "And to be frank, I doubted it existed. I'm just happy my daughter has it." Those words made Sara think; did people not love as passionately as she did? Was it Sonia? What if Stephen loved her as much as she loved Tegan? What if Tegan didn't feel that passion for her? Would it matter, though? Tegan did everything for her; she surely loved her. They have babies together now.
The night was spent in soft whispers and silent speculations. Sara was stumbling between feeling a little better and feeling queasy. Her head ached even when she tried to close her eyes. Sonia was an aid for her through the night. She helped her with her fever and kept the babies away from her. She was not aware of the time until she felt so sick she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Sonia followed after a second.
"Now, I'm concerned," Sonia said.
They heard a door open and close and footsteps getting closer. Sara was too drowsy to look up, but she knew who the person with the footsteps was with the first sentence she pronounced.
"What's going on?" Tegan's raspy voice was too loud in the silent night. "What happened? Sara?"
"She's not feeling well. She's had a fever all night and now she puked. She mustn't be close to the babies for now." Sara nodded after wiping her mouth. She felt a little bit better but that sensation of drowsiness was still present.
"Shit," Tegan whispered, her face concerned and disturbed at the same time. "Are they in Ted's room?" Sonia nodded as she helped Sara balance herself. "I'll go check on them. Can you help her to my room?" Sara squeezed her eyes shut as pain hit her head.
When Sonia tucked her in, she felt her hand on her forehead, inspecting and worrying. "What do you feel?"
"I'm just dizzy." Sara took a deep breath.
Tegan came inside with one baby in her arms. "Mum, can you go pick Rose up? I left her there. But quickly please. She'll throw a fit if she realizes she's alone." Sonia nodded and left the room. "Baby," Tegan said gently, "what happened?"
"I honestly don't know." Sara moaned in defeat. "I'm sorry I woke everyone up. You should rest."
Sonia came in and put Rose next to her sister in the crib. Tegan was sitting next to her wife. "She's going to get some blood tests in the morning. I just wish you would see a doctor, Sara."
Sara did not respond. Tegan thought for a second until her eyes widened.
"Sara, the hormone replacement pills," she exclaimed. "How many have you been taking?" Sonia walked in closer. Her brow was furrowed and her frown was prominent.
"Same doze," Sara whispered awkwardly. "Don't worry."
"Umm, can I see your pills, please?" Sonia asked. Tegan did not wait for Sara's consent before she could open the drawer in her nightstand and hand her the box of the pills.
"I stopped them for two months. I was kind of depressed and on antidepressants and I just didn't want to take them. Then, umm, I stopped taking antidepressants and started taking them again." Sonia nodded with deadpan features. "I mean I've always taken them. Those are good. They have horrible side effects like hot flashes or, like, tender breasts, but I've never had that."
"My God," whispered Sonia with a sigh. "You should never decide to stop taking something and retake it whenever you feel like." Sara looked down at her hands. Tegan touched them. "Maybe you have some stomach virus, explaining your cramps." Sara nodded.
"Which cramps?" Tegan asked.
"I just felt like I have some cramps and I felt worried, but I guess Sonia's right; I'm just imagining maybe." Sara closed her eyes for a second to suck in the pain in her neck and shoulders. Not an inch in her body was left without aching.
"Or maybe you have some hormonal imbalance. It may happen." Sonia sat down at the end of the mattress. "I want you try to sleep for now. In the morning, I'll take you to get some blood tests. I want you to think about getting a physical, too, Sara." Sonia stood up again. She hesitated before she spoke, "I…I could give you one. You don't have to be embarrassed about that." That made Sara's eyes widen. No, her mind screamed. "Ju…just think about it."
Sara refused even imagining it. Her wife sat next to her and stared at her for the remaining time as she breastfed her babies. Sara looked up to check on the three of them and closed her eyes for a second. At first she couldn't really sleep, but she did doze off for an hour without realizing. She woke up when the sound of her babies' cries increased in the room.
"Shhh, go back. I'm here. I'm awake."
"No, Tee…" She sat up, but fatigue was a companion that reminded her of its bothersome company. "You must rest. This is not good for your health."
"Or yours." Tegan was already up on her feet. "I'm getting them here. I'll never leave them asleep all afternoon again." She sighed in defeat.
Sonia checked on Sara again. The fever was still there. The pain and queasiness were there. She didn't admit that, however.
"I'll prepare breakfast but, Sara, you can't eat because you're getting a blood test, so you'll have to wait till we come back."
"Alright. Thank you," Sara mouthed.
When Sonia left, Tegan spoke. "Babe?"
"Yeah?" Sara looked at her wife. She was pumping.
"Why don't you let my mum give you an exam? I think you should be examined, Sara." The older woman sighed. "You know that, too. It's been too long."
"Look, I'm actually sure there is nothing wrong, but yes I should." Sara sat up a little bit. "I just can't take your mum doing that to me. I've been thinking about it all night long and I'm about to die of embarrassment knowing she thought of it." Tegan laughed. "It's not funny."
"I mean…it kind of is." Tegan shrugged. "Three days ago you were sitting here braless with a wife-beater and my mum was here the entire time and you did not even care. She basically saw you…that way."
"I was too tired to notice." Tegan didn't have to remind her of that. She had forgotten about it before until she realized it later on. She managed pushing her shame away. "Plus, boobs are different than vagina…or like touching it."
"What about another doctor?" Sara shrugged. "What?"
"I just want my doctor," Sara answered. "The reason I'm actually considering your mum is because I'm more comfortable around her than a stranger."
"So you are considering her." Tegan smiled widely. "Honestly, Sara, I was so against my mum examining me or being my doctor, but she's very gentle and I hadn't known that before. It was so embarrassing for me when she did it here when I was giving birth but the way she's been taking care of me is just so beautiful that I am not scared or uncomfortable around her anymore." Sara nodded. She had noticed the great care. It made her jealous. She wanted her mother to take care of her that way, too. Her mother hadn't done that when she lost her baby after giving birth. "She doesn't really stare or comment or notice. She just does her job."
"I don't know, Tee…" Sara sighed. "It's different in there with my legs spread and there's a speculum inside my vagina and she's looking at and touching that place." Tegan wrinkled her nose. "Exactly." Sara huffed. "I wish I was as normal as other women; only having to get checked once a year or once every two years. I wish I had a different type of cancer."
"Don't say that." Sara started crying. "Sare, no, don't say that."
"I'm just sick of everyone worrying about my vagina." She cried loudly. "Our life would have been better. Our sex life would have been good."
"It is good." Tegan chuckled. She was able to reach for Sara's arm and give it a gentle rub. She traced the outline of her ink and waited for her to calm down. "I thought you were the strong one when it came to this, my love."
"I love it when you call me that." Sara wiped her tears.
"My love?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "I miss you."
"Come here." Tegan pointed at her lap and Sara didn't waver before putting her head there, allowing her wife to brush her hair with her soft touch. The sound of the machine Tegan was using did annoy her, but she didn't care. "Your babies are occupying this space now. Not much left for you."
"I know. Motherfuckers." Tegan laughed. "Whenever I want to kiss you or cuddle I find them on your tits and the other times I'm holding them."
"They literally think I am a food machine and that's it."
"They're so young." Tegan hummed.
They stayed that way for awhile until it was time for Sara to get dressed and leave with Sonia to get some blood tests done. Sonia called her other daughter-in-law to stay with Tegan in case she wanted help with the babies.
"Why do they keep looking up at the ceiling?" Tegan asked as she stared at her daughters. They were both clean and smelled nicely since they had just been changed. They wore matching navy pants and white tops with light blue beanies. Their faces still contained that flushed hue. They were still hairless and very small in size.
"I guess because that's where the light is and since they can't see clearly, their eyes are focused on the brightest thing in the room," Tanya answered, staring at the twins as they both focused on a spot in the ceiling.
"But the lights aren't even turned on right now."
"Oh." Paused Tanya. "True. I don't know then."
Tegan laughed and decided to distract her babies. She snapped her fingers to get their attention. Indeed, both were alerted by the sound and faced their mother's hand. One of them opened her mouth widely and made a few sounds of contentment. The other was happily drooling in her place.
"Oh my God, they're so fucking cute," Tegan said as she leaned in to kiss their cheeks. "Come here, my little cotton balls. I love you so much." She kissed and tickled and bothered until she made both of them whine and cry. Her sister-in-law was stunned and Tegan could tell that from the wide eyes she received. "I can't handle them. I can't believe you two little muffins were in my tummy." She giggled and continued, "If I had known you'd look so adorable, I wouldn't have cursed at you so much." She wanted them closer to her. She wanted to bond with them and feed them. She felt her breasts ooze and ache as she craved holding them. She did not care if someone was there. She wanted to be close to them.
Tegan asked Tanya to help her with the pillow and positioning them so she could feed both of them. Tanya seemed impressed as she stared with a sheepish smile. Tegan was glad both of them latched quickly and helped her fulfill her need. In her mind, she laughed at the irony she hadn't ever imagined. Just two months before she was fighting with her mother who wanted her badly to breastfeed; now she coveted the time she could get closer to her babies and bond with them. She sighed happily despite the physical discomfort she experienced.
Sonia dropped Sara home, telling her she would pick up her tests results on her way back home from work. Sara nodded and went inside, ready to chew on anything in the house.
She found Tegan breastfeeding in the room and Tanya staring. She raised her eyebrows at the scene that filled her eyes. Tanya's face turned red but Tegan simply smiled.
"Hi, babe," Tegan said. "How did it go?"
"I don't know. The results will be out in few hours and your mum will pick them up on her way back from work." Sara took off her shoes and jacket. She stayed in her white sleeveless top. "I'm going down to get some breakfast. You're good here?"
"Yeah." Tegan was looking down at Rose. Sara expected she was hurting. "Tanya is telling me about how she and Ted had met. I didn't know the story."
"Alright. If you guys need anything, I'll be downstairs." They both nodded as she left. Sara thought she would call Stacy and fill her in on her health situation.
Tanya waited till the older woman left to finally speak what's on her mind. "I feel like she doesn't like me," the woman whispered.
"No." Tegan laughed. "It's because I'm breastfeeding in front of you. She's a bit…not open-minded to that." Tanya raised a brow and nodded with a hum. "She didn't say anything because she doesn't want to embarrass you." Tegan flinched as another sharp pull made her ache. "I mean, I'm only assuming. I could be wrong. Maybe she's just tired."
Sara sat by the pool as she listened to her friend's chatter. In the background she could hear noises surrounding the woman. Stacy was barely able to make time for her to speak. Sara forgot people went to work at that time of the day. She missed her job and couldn't wait to go back to it in few months.
"How did she even scratch you there, Sara? How is it possible? Did she have long nails?"
"I don't even know. I just know that it hurt as fuck and I had to use some cream in there for a week until the pain was over." Sara sipped her black coffee and closed her eyes as the liquid balanced her ability to focus better.
"And you didn't even go back there to get it checked?"
"No," Sara whispered guiltily. "But I did penetrate myself to make sure it was all okay. I…" Sara paused, not knowing what was too personal or private to share with her best friend. She had shared everything before, but Tegan became her solace and her box of secrets after that. "I mean I did not reach an orgasm. It wasn't masturbation type of penetration, I just wanted…"
"Damn, Sara, I get it." Stacy chuckled. Sara could tell her friend was not as comfortable as she had been before. None of them understood why. Sara assumed the long distance speech was the cause of it. Perhaps because they hadn't spoken in awhile. Maybe because Sara made it awkward. "Look, I truly believe you should get it checked. If your mother-in-law is offering to do it for free, do it. If you can't handle her doing it, then someone else should check there. Plus, five months without a proper exam is not good in your situation at all."
"Can't I wait till I come back?"
Stacy hummed in order to ponder the suggestion in her head. "You can of course, but are you really going to go there immediately after you come back? You're coming back to a large house that hadn't been cleaned properly since ever. You have newborns and your wife has just given birth and suddenly no in-laws to help. I don't think you'll have much time to leave Tegan and the babies and just go get an exam."
"I know. I know." Sara sighed. "I just miss you and can't wait to be back."
"Oh, honey, I miss you so much. I want to give you a hug and hold your babies." Sara giggled as imagination hit her head. She saw Ella freaking out and her mother with a flushed face and a cheery smile. "I can't believe you have twins like I've expected."
"And, like you wished, I don't sleep the nights or the days and I cry because I'm tired." Stacy laughed along with Sara's sad chortle.
"Don't worry. I'll be all the help you need, like you were for me. I'll go to your place a day before so I can clean it and water the plants. I'll make sure the nursery's ready. The cribs you ordered have arrived. Emy and I are going there in two days to install them. I'll make sure your bed is clean and comfy and everything is in place."
"God, I love having you in my life." Sara sighed in content. She breathed in the breeze that filled her with life.
She thought about Stacy's words in the shower. Shampoo in her hair; eyes closed; body wet, she braced herself for the anxiety she was getting herself in. Mindlessly, she rubbed her naked body, remembering what she had to do before she left the shower. She opened her eyes and reached for the razor. She didn't have any shaving cream left. Fuck. She reached for soap and put it on her loofah. That was going to be hard for her. She rubbed her pubic part with the loofah and figured it was a terrible idea after few more rubs until she stopped. She dragged the razor against her skin slowly, slowly, slowly until all hair was out of the way. She put one leg on the ledge of the tub and looked inside. She had to remove the hair on her outer lips, too. She grabbed the razor again and took a deep breath before she carefully removed the hair on both sides. She fished for more hair until she made sure she was clear. She washed her vulva with warm water and inserted one finger inside. She sucked in her breath as the pressure of standing up met her.
When she left the tub, she looked at her naked body in the mirror. It was alright, she thought. Not bad, she convinced herself. She stared and ogled until tears covered her lids. She missed her young body; the rosy hue that covered her chest when she felt heated with pleasure, the way her young breasts stood for attention underneath her blouses, her smooth stomach clear of scars or marks, her thighs and her arms smooth and thin, too. Even her vulva looked different now; older, bigger, the inner lips were large and prominent, her clit very visible and her hole was not as welcoming as it had been.
She dried herself up and got dressed. When she left, she found Tegan crying, too.
"What's wrong?" She panicked, forgetting about her self-hatred for a second. "Babe." She looked around to see if something was wrong with the babies. They were in their crib, wide awake, moving their tiny hands together. Whenever their hands touched, they got even more excited and drooled faster.
"My breasts hurt," Tegan said, "terribly."
Sara sighed. "Where's Tanya?"
"She had to leave." Sara nodded. She had to leave, too. How was she going to leave Tegan alone?
"Let me see." She pushed her wife's hand away from her breasts to take a look at the swollen part. Tegan hissed as milk oozed out. "I don't think they're latching on correctly."
"Yes, they are," shot Tegan.
"It's full of milk. That's why it hurts. Why don't you pump?" Tegan moaned in protest. "So weird how some people struggle with producing much and then there's you." Sara chuckled. "Also, umm…I want to talk to you about this thing."
"Yeah?" Sara blushed and that's how Tegan understood what the matter was. "Me breastfeeding in front of Tanya?"
"Yeah…umm." Sara scratched the back of her head. "It's your body, I know, but I just…feel like some people stare." Tegan rolled her eyes. "Are you going to feed in front of Stacy and Emy?"
"They're our friends," Tegan said. "They'll see me doing it eventually because I doubt they'll leave our house when we go back." Sara sighed. "What's up with you and this sudden jealousy?"
"I'm not comfortable around some people, Tegan." Sara sighed. She didn't know how she was going to say this without sounding like a total asshole. "I am a jealous person and I die when someone stares at you that way."
"But I'm feeding. I'm not even attractive," argued Tegan.
"Yes you are." At least to her she still remained as attractive as ever, maybe even more. "Like, Emy had feelings for you and I feel like…"
"Sara, Emy is so in love with Stacy. You heard her yesterday on the phone. She doesn't even think of my existence anymore." Sara shrugged. "Let's not think about this for now. Sometimes I have to breastfeed." Sara nodded. "How are you feeling now?"
"I'm okay." Sara smiled. The little argument was dismissed. "Umm…" Why was she so awkward about everything? That was her wife. Nothing was hidden from Tegan. "Tee…I…"
"Babe, say it. Is everything alright?"
"I want your mum to give me a physical." She took a deep breath. "I think I have to get one." Tegan nodded with a smile.
"It's fine. You want me to tell her?" Sara shook her head. "You're going to tell her?"
"I kinda want to get it now and get it over with. Stacy made me really anxious about my health. I was on the phone with her just now." Sara rubbed her forehead. "I can't leave you alone, though."
"I think I can manage it for an hour. They have to take their nap soon anyway." Sara shook her head. "I can call Ted or Tanya or even you and mum if I wanted something, hun."
"No." Sara refused.
Tegan rolled her eyes. "What are you going to do then?"
"I don't know." Sara shrugged.
"Call mum and tell her then."
"Huh?"
"Call her and ask her about it. She might have a solution."
Indeed, Sonia did have a solution. She told Sara she was going to pick her results up after five and then pick her up so they could go to the clinic again. Nobody would be around and that way Sara would feel comfortable and it would take them less time. Tegan would be left alone only for half an hour until Stephen arrived. Sara asked Sonia not to tell anyone, especially not her father-in-law, about that matter. Sonia promised she wouldn't. "I'll tell him we were getting stuff for the trip." Sara hoped the man would believe that.
It was nerve-wracking. She could barely breathe as she waited for Sonia to pick her up. Tegan tried to calm her down but she couldn't.
"Sare, I want you to relax," Tegan said with a hand on her wife's shoulder. Scarlet was against Sara's chest. Her head rested there and her ears enjoyed the frantic rhythm of her mother's heart. Rose was against her mother's chest, too. They had just switched them from their previous position with Rose being with Sara and Scarlet with Tegan.
"She's going to see my vagina," Sara whispered restlessly, "and every time she's going to see us together, she's going to imagine how my fingers were one day in yours and yours in mine and hers in ours…" Tegan's eyes widened.
"My mum isn't sick like that," Tegan exclaimed. "Seriously, don't go there. It's disturbing." Both babies averted their gazes at her as she spoke.
"Wow. Look how much they're alarmed by your voice." Tegan laughed. "They know it."
"It's because I was yelling."
Then Sonia arrived and what Sara had been dreading followed. She got in the car while Sonia was reading the results of the lab. Sonia had her glasses on. Faint lines of aging seemed just a bit shadowed by the unnerved expression she had on her face.
"Hey," Sara greeted with a shaky voice. She sat down and folded her legs together, as if by doing that she was protecting herself from eternal embarrassment.
"My dear, you have a serious iron deficiency that you might need to take care of." Sonia handed the sheet to her daughter-in-law. "Vitamin D as well." Sara nodded as she read the results. "You're even more anemic than my daughter."
"How?" Sara asked, "I don't bleed…ever. I mean I don't get a period. I've had that before because my periods were heavy but now…"
"It could be your nutrition lately. You don't eat well, to be quite honest." Sara nodded. "Or maybe there's some internal bleeding or something. That's why it's better to get checked." Sara's eyes were dilated in apprehension. "I don't think the latter is possible but being cautious is always a better option than regretting something later, right?"
"Yeah," mumbled Sara.
In that room; in that gown; with those bright lights, Sara felt nauseous again. Sonia assured her that she was going to be alright but she just couldn't rest knowing her mother-in-law was going to see her like that.
The ultra sound was easy. It was the good part in this dark memory she would always carry with her. One good aspect was Sonia's gentle touch made her relax; it was very different from Dr. Anderson's. Sara could barely feel it.
"I can't see anything wrong with you, honey." Sara nodded. "So the anemia is actually a cause of your terrible nutrition. I also think you threw up because of anxiety or, maybe, just an upset stomach." Sara took a deep breath and nodded again. "Sara…" Sonia paused. Sara closed and opened her eyes. "I really don't want you to be scared or embarrassed about this."
"I can't," Sara admitted with tears in her eyes. "I can't not think of the fact you're going to see me naked."
Sonia had to laugh. "I see women naked every day. It's my job."
"Not me." Sara shrugged. "I'm Tegan's wife." Sonia laughed again. "It's embarrassing."
"If it makes you feel any better, I don't really look much in there. I just do my job. I'm not going to study your..." Not even Sonia was able to utter that in front of her daughter-in-law. "You can cover your face if you don't want to look at me." That was the best advice she could give her. But what was going to happen after? Sara thought. They were going to look at each other eventually.
"What if my vagina looks funny and you laugh and then you ask yourself why Tegan's sleeping with me and then you think about it and about how I have a funny-looking vagina and won't ever see me the same." Sonia was speechless, but Sara felt better she had freed her anxiety. She wiped her eyes.
"I honestly did not know you would think like that because…why would you?" Sonia was embarrassed now. She adjusted her gloves and positioned herself on the seat in front of Sara's legs. "Like I said, I see thousands of vaginas so I've seen it all. And I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with you knowing how picky my daughter is." They couldn't stare at each other anymore. Their cheeks were red and their heads were dizzy. Sara covered her eyes like she had been advised.
Sonia's hand was so gentle that she could barely feel it in there. She despised the probing and touching part but that time she couldn't even feel it. No wonder she was famous and women loved her. "Is there any discomfort, Sara?" Sara shook her head. "Have you tried to check if you are still in pain after using the cream?" Sara shook her head. "I don't mean penetration, just a try." Sara hummed. "And?"
"No," Sara whispered.
"Alright, I'm going to try right now so you might feel some slight pain." Sara didn't and that was a relief for both.
When the exam was done and Sara was in her clothes again, she avoided looking at Sonia. Sonia pretended like nothing had just happened. "You're fully healthy," Sonia commented. "I'll get your pap smear results soon and we'll make sure everything is perfectly fine again. I'm just concerned about the anemia part right now so I'll start with your treatment immediately." Sara nodded. "Also, Sara, can I ask a private question?"
"Yeah." She finally lifted up her head. Her eyes were red, not with tears, with the lack of them; with holding them inside for so long. She was too old to cry but why did she feel so little? It reminded her of that time her mother dragged her to get a gynecologist exam when she was sixteen. It had been a traumatizing experience and that, also, was a traumatizing experience despite Sonia's tenderness and gentleness while dealing with her.
"Have you ever considered mastectomy?" Sara gasped. "Don't worry, there's nothing in there. It's just a question. Sometimes women with large breasts and a history of cancer do consider breast reduction or mastectomy to avoid breast cancer."
"No," Sara said loudly. "No. I don't want to. I won't get breast cancer. I have already removed my ovaries."
"Relax, Sara. It's merely a question."
"That's the only thing left for me to feel like a woman." And the tears fell down like little raindrops emerging all of a sudden out of a dark cloud, falling on unprotected heads and covering the dull ground with their warmth.
"You are a beautiful woman, Sara, whether you have ovaries or a womb or not." Sara just cried. "Whether you have a shortened vagina or not, whether you have breasts or not." Sara hiccuped. "I just worry sometimes. I worry Tegan might suffer, too. I understand sometimes breast reduction can be helpful and I want her to get one after she's done breastfeeding. I don't want her to…"
"She's not going to be sick. Please don't think of that."
"I'm a mother; I worry. That's what I do."
"I don't want to think of that," Sara protested. "I'm finally happy and I don't want to think of what might go wrong and make me unhappy. I've been living my life worrying and I just can't take it anymore. I just want to enjoy what I have right now." Sonia smiled genuinely. "As for Tegan, she can do whatever she wants when she wants it. As long as she's healthy and happy for now, I don't have to worry."
"You're right," Sonia agreed. "You're absolutely right."
That night Sara slept better than before. The babies slept better, too. When they woke up and ended up in Ted's room with their mother and Sonia again, the older woman made her daughter-in-law rest her head on her lap and fall asleep as she fed her grandchildren. Sara clutched onto Sonia's pajama pants tightly as she had a dream of Evelyn giving her a dress with sunflowers printed on it. She wore the dress in her dream and spun around. Tegan gave her a thumbs-up and her babies stared and giggled.