On a light blue chair sat Stacy with eyes smeared in redness and lips white with fear. She didn't have it in her to cry anymore; she had been crying for a whole day. Her scrubs stuck to her tired body and hair was damp with tears and sweat. The conversation she had had in the early morning replayed itself in her head. Her warning, her kiss, Emy's giggle and promise of driving well.
She did notice the strange behavior. God, she did but she brushed it off. How stupid of her! She shouldn't have allowed her to take the car and drive. Her partner did actually look exhausted. Stacy assumed it was lack of sleep. Had she fallen asleep while driving? That's what the doctors thought. But they also found a bump on her head which seemed to be a few months old. Tegan recognized it to be the outcome of her fainting awhile before. But what did the bump have anything to do with it? One doctor assumed it could have affected her eyesight. Nothing was wrong with her brain, thank God. But she was still unconscious.
With a broken hip and a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder.
Her parents had to be notified, Tegan said. She didn't know how they were going to be notified. Their daughter was in a coma because she'd had an accident in her partner's car. Oh, you didn't know she's dating a woman? Yes, her name is Stacy Reader and, God, she's much older than your daughter. Yes, yes, that's really fucked up.
But Tegan wouldn't say that. She was married to Sara; she wouldn't say that.
She stood up once again. She paced back and forth until she made up her mind to visit the room of the sleeping woman another time. Visiting hours were over, but she was a nurse. Nobody could tell her not to.
The way she had been told about the accident was horrific. She was doing her usual daily work when Sara called. She broke down in the glass office and everyone watched her tears and heard her screams. She didn't even have to leave the hospital; she just had to leave her section.
She should have driven her. She should have made her take a Lyft. God, Ella had been with her. Ella could have been there hadn't Emy driven her to preschool before driving off the road on her way to work. How did it happen?
She looked at the bruised face and heard the monotonous beeping of the machine. Scars covered her lower lip and one purple hue shaded her left eye. Many tubes were attached to different parts of her body. Stacy began to cry again. That's why visiting hours were over. She left imagining the worst that could happen.
Tegan's distressed face met her with Jeremy by her side. With a quick glance she asked the question and as if she had shouted it, Tegan shook her head in disappointment. Stacy sighed.
"What…what did she say at least?"
"She lost it," Tegan answered. "She started to cruse at me. She said mean things to me and then she was crying and shouting that she doesn't want to lose another child. Her dad took the phone from her and I gave it to Jeremy because I couldn't tolerate it."
Stacy's eyes met Jeremy's shocked ones. She asked the same question but nonverbally this time. "They didn't ask about your age or anything. They…were surprised she hadn't told them, but they were just asking about the accident. One of them might book a ticket and come here."
"Oh, God," Stacy said agonizingly. "Please let her wake up." She cried more and Tegan hugged her. She hadn't expected the embrace but she took it and cried till her tears morphed into pathetic hiccups.
Tegan's phone rang when they sat down. It was Sara. She sighed and picked up. "Hello," she spoke softly.
"How are you?" Sara asked in a hushed tone despite the sounds of crying close to her. "Did…something new happen?"
"No," Tegan whispered. "We just told her parents and they didn't take it very well. Her mum blamed me?" Tegan rolled her eyes. "What the fuck?"
"It's what people in pain do, Tegan. She didn't mean it," Jeremy interfered. "She doesn't know anything."
"Well her mum's a bitch," Sara said with a chuckle. Tegan cleared her throat, side eyeing the man and woman seated beside her. "I wanted to know if you're coming back tonight?"
"Umm…no…I don't think I can…," she faltered.
"But the babies," Sara's tone rose up. "They need food."
"Well feed them. I can't leave," Tegan raised her voice. "That's my best friend."
"Tegan, go home," Stacy said. "You should go home, too, Jeremy."
"No," both exclaimed in unison.
"I'm not going home. I have to stay. I can't…" Tegan took a deep breath. "Sara, understand."
"Okay, fine." Sara sighed. "Is Stacy alright?"
"No, she's not," answered her wife, taking a look at despondent Stacy. "No one is," she whispered. "This sucks."
"Calm down," Sara advised. "Don't make it worse than it is. Try to calm down."
"Let's hang up," she said. "I can't talk."
Sara took a look at the mess around her in the living room and nodded. "Okay, Tegan. Tell me if anything happens."
"You, too," her wife responded. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Sara hung up and looked at bewildered Ella with a frown on her pale face. "Looks like it's just you and me and the twins tonight, El."
"Emy's still not alright?" Sara shook her head and Ella resumed crying. "She has to be alright."
Sara picked her up from the floor and put her on her lap. Both of her moaning and whimpering twins noticed the gesture and began to crawl towards Sara's seated form. Once Rose reached there, she attempted to climb up her mother's leg, but when Scarlet arrived, she pulled her sister's blue overall roughly, making her fall down on her back so that she could take her place and, maybe, Sara would pick her up.
Rose's shrieking cries filled the room. Sara gasped, letting Ella go and picking up the younger twin immediately. She looked at the back of her head and rubbed it, showering her with kisses. It was Scarlet's turn to make a scene and cry for attention.
"Scarlet, that's not nice," Sara scolded. "You are a jealous kid and that's bad." She kept rocking Rose until the baby calmed down, pushing her face in her mother's neck and putting her thumb in her mouth. "Aww, baby. It's fine. It's fine."
Sara felt bad for the other twin, however. Her cries had increased. She knew Scarlet felt abandoned. She sat down on the floor and picked her up, too. Scarlet refused to calm down easily so Sara had to give her the same treatment and kiss her many times until she succumbed and imitated her sister's move.
"You were pushing me away just this morning, Soosie." Sara sighed and looked at the shocked child standing there, perceiving the situation from afar. "You're going to help me, Ella. I can't take care of them alone."
"Yes, I will." She walked up to Sara's body and kissed her cheek. "I will help you with the naughty twins." Scarlet pushed her away quickly, mumbling incoherent nonsense.
"Scarlet," Sara said again. The baby looked up at her and giggled then buried her face in her neck again. How could she be angry at such a cute face? "She's a jealous baby, El. She just thinks everyone is trying to take her mummies away."
"She's mean." Ella frowned. "She thinks you can't hug anyone but her."
"Yes, you did so too when you were young and I hugged Stacy. You pushed me away with a scream." Ella furrowed her brows then shook her head. "I swear."
"Nope, you're lying. I don't remember it happening."
"You did. You were young. Of course you don't remember it." Sara giggled.
"Nope." Ella shook her head and rolled her eyes.
Sara kissed both of her daughters' foreheads and put them down again. "This is gonna be a long night, huh?" she asked herself more than the three girls surrounding her. "Are you hungry, Ella?"
"I am," shyly, admitted the child. Sara nodded.
"Let me get all these toys in their boxes and make food for all of us." Sara sighed as she looked around at the living room. The girls were only eight months old but they were the noisiest, messiest trouble makers ever. Sara didn't understand how they had managed to wreak havoc around the small place easily. They couldn't even walk yet. No wonder Tegan hated being alone with them at times.
On hands and knees, she began to collect each toy and put it in its special box. She hadn't noticed her girls crawling behind her, taking the toys out of the boxes again. Ella was helping her, too. When the child looked up, she gasped and pointed behind the professor. "Sasa, look!" Sara looked behind with mouth agape at the two monstrous babies emptying the toy boxes again.
Sara could do nothing but swallow her tears and take a deep breath. She picked up Scarlet quickly and put her in her chair, strapping her well despite the heavy and loud cries she heard. Next was Rose who found her hair and pulled it roughly, making Sara scream.
She sat down on the floor again, facing her crying girls, and began to cry along. Ella walked up to her and hugged her, patting her back. "Don't cry, Sasa. I will help you."
"I'm so tired. They haven't given me a break all day. What's wrong with them?" Ella wasn't the right person to vent to. She was a child, too. Was that what Stacy had suffered, too? She had complained about Ella before, but it couldn't be that terrible. The fact that there were two of them ganging up on her made it even harder. Two hours before, they simultaneously threw their food bowls on the carpet as if they had plotted it secretly. While changing Scarlet's diaper, Rose had managed to crawl up to the dirty diaper and put her hand in it, making Sara and Ella scream in disgust. And then there was the mess of toys they made. Sara didn't care because at least they were playing quietly. But she just couldn't take it anymore watching them put the toys out again.
The crying continued as she got back to the toys and the tidying. When she finished, she lay down on the carpeted floor, feeling her hips and back on fire. She felt too old to run around after hyper babies. Ella was hungry, too. She had to prepare food for her.
"Ella?" she asked lazily.
"Yes, Sasa?" the child responded as she looked down at the professor.
"How does Pizza sound?"
"Yes, pizza." Ella jumped up and down in merriment, leaning in to kiss Sara's cheek. Sara laughed a little.
"Get me my phone, baby." She closed her eyes for a moment, still ignoring the cries of her babies. She opened it to find her cell phone in Ella's hand. She put her hand up. "Pull me up, El." Ella took her hand and Sara pushed up her body with a grunt to sit up. She sighed as she dialed up the pizza place. "Shhhh," she mouthed to her kids. "I'll make you some good boobie milk soon." She hoped Tegan had stored some pumped milk for them or otherwise she was fucked for the night.
Thankfully, she found two bottles, but she wanted to restore them for sleeping time. She mashed some bananas for the girls as she waited for the pizza. Ella took the job of calming them down by singing to them and playing with them. They were, finally, fascinated and quiet with tearful eyes. They stared at the child and smiled whenever she moved along to the song. Eventually, they were moving their hands and feet wildly while Ella sang the loudest she could.
The pizza arrived and Ella jumped up and down, ready to consume her dinner. Sara's stomach growled in hunger, too. "Oops," she said with a giggle as Ella laughed at her. "I'm hungry too, I guess."
Sara, though, had to feed the twins first. She sat down on the floor facing their chairs. She put their bibs for them and prepared their bowls and spoons. They consumed their food happily and spat some of it as they usually did. Sara tried to talk to them the way Tegan did. Her wife always talked and ranted and mumbled many words they didn't understand claiming one should always talk to kids. Sara felt stupid, however.
She put the plates in the dishwasher and cleaned the table in the living room upstairs. She had to wash up and prepare clothes for her and Ella to wear for work and kindergarten the next morning. Tegan had to come home in the morning because nobody was going to stay with the kids. She texted her that while yawning then put the phone to be charged.
"I have to change the babies' diapers now and change for them, El."
"Okay," Ella said with eyes barely open. "I'll help you." Sara smiled and kissed her cheek.
Sara put both of them in their cribs first as she prepared every essential clothing item they needed so that she wouldn't make a mess like she had done earlier. She grabbed Scarlet first and began to undress her. She removed her diaper, wrinkling her nose. Ella squealed in disgust as she handed her the new diaper. Next were the clothes. The babies had to be put in three layers of clothing due to the cold and Sara felt like they were suffocating at times but Tegan insisted they should wear all that. Once Scarlet was clean and ready for bed, Sara kissed her a couple of times and tickled her, putting her back in her crib with a pacifier in her mouth. The same process was done for Rose and with Ella helping.
Sara washed her hands next and grabbed the two milk bottles. She gave Rose hers and held the second to Scarlet's lips as the baby still liked for the bottle to be held for her. Rose dozed off before, and Ella removed the bottle and put it on the nightstand between the two cribs. Sara was falling asleep watching Scarlet consume her milk with wide green eyes.
"She won't sleep," Ella noted. Sara hummed with a nod.
When the bottle was empty, Scarlet turned around and began to crawl in her crib, mumbling incoherent sounds. Sara sighed and picked her up. She sat on the rocking chair and began her journey to put her to sleep. Few moments later, Scarlet began pushing her face in Sara's chest, whining a little bit.
"You just had food," Sara commented in wonder. "What the hell, Scarlet?" The baby didn't understand. She continued pushing her face in her mother's breast. "I don't have milk." Ella watched with a frown. "Please, sleep, baby."
Scarlet cried next. She cried loudly that Sara had to leave the room so Rose wouldn't wake up. She cried and cried until she exhausted herself to sleep. Sara felt bad and sorry for the little child that she cried too while stroking her soft hair. "If I had milk, I would give it to you, honey." She kissed her temple. "Of course I would." She kissed it again, hearing the soft breaths coming from the child.
Once the girls were both asleep, it was Ella's turn to wash up. Sara helped her around in the bathroom even though Ella insisted she could do it on her own. She put her pajamas on for her and brushed her hair.
"I wanna sleep next to you," Ella demanded. "Please, Sasa, please."
"The babies wake up in the middle of the night and they cry so much. They'll wake you up."
"I don't wanna sleep alone, please." Ella shrugged her shoulders in stubborn protest. "Please," she pleaded with a broken voice.
Sara succumbed and relented.
She washed up in the bathroom and changed to her pajamas then prepared clothes for the next morning. When she got into bed, Ella hugged her torso immediately, wrapping both arms around her.
"Oh, honey." She kissed the child's head and rubbed her back until they both fell asleep.
But, indeed, the babies did wake up and give their mother the worst night of her life. Sara didn't know what she should do. When she grabbed the phone to call Tegan, she found a response from her affirming she would come back in the morning. She sighed and put the phone down knowing that disturbing her at four in the morning might scare her. If only the twins slept. She knew they wanted to be breastfed. They were used to that and they weren't going to let that go. She could do nothing but force the formula in their mouths even though they refused it vehemently.
She'd already been out of energy and vigor by the time they fell back asleep. She cried herself to sleep beside them.
No news on Emy. Tegan almost froze to tears as she slept on the chair of the waiting room. When she woke up because of her bladder, Stacy was there with horrifying red eyes. She sighed and went to the bathroom. Her top was soaked beneath her jacket and her breasts were sore. She had to go home and pump or feed. Sara was probably losing it. She knew how attached her babies were to her and her food.
She grabbed coffee for her and for Stacy then went back, giving one to the woman who thanked her silently and immediately lit a cigarette on an empty stomach. Tegan sat away from the smoke. Sara hated that scent and she knew how easily it could get to her clothes.
Jeremy woke up to the scent of coffee because Tegan sat next to him. She gave him her cup and asked him to drive her home.
"Stacy, I think you should go home and take a shower, too," Jeremy dared to speak.
"No," the older woman shook her head quickly. "I am not moving until she wakes up."
"What if she takes too long?" Tegan asked wearily. What if she doesn't?
No, God, no…NO!
"She has to wake up. There's nothing wrong with her brain. She must wake up."
"Did her parents call?" Jeremy asked his best friend.
"Not me." Tegan sighed. "God, this sucks. I really hope she wakes up soon. If her brain is alright, what's taking her so long?" Tegan whined loudly.
"I don't fucking know," answered Stacy with a robotic tone.
Emy's mother called Jeremy when he was driving Tegan home. She announced she was going to come over at night and she wanted Jeremy to pick her up from the airport at 8:30. Fuck!
"I'll tell Stacy," Tegan offered. "This is fucked up."
"I'm so upset," Jeremy said. "This is not supposed to happen." He seemed as if he was going to cry. He did cry the night before. Tegan had rarely seen him crying. He cried for her once. He wanted her badly and she didn't. That seemed so long ago. He was not in love with her anymore or so she hoped.
At home Tegan immediately picked up the first kid she saw and put her against her breast. She cried a bit because of the pain and the sorrow.
"Is it possible that I lactate more than any other woman?" she asked her wife.
Sara was working on Ella's hair while the other baby sat on her lap and played with her face, squeezing and pinching and slapping. She could barely manage both.
"Truthfully, I did wonder the same thing." Sara was slapped on her nose and a giggle came out of the baby when she gasped. "Maybe because they're twins…Ella, don't move."
"Is this Scarlet hitting you?" Tegan asked. "Don't judge…I can barely open my eyes." Sara's eyes were wide with wonder at her wife's question. She shook her head with a smile and nodded.
"It is the monster."
"Explains this one's biting." Tegan sighed as she looked down at her kid. "They're so attached to me and I'm so attached to them."
"Yeah." Sara turned Ella around to face her, brushing her bangs as the five-year-old closed her eyes. "I have to go to work now. I have a meeting and three lectures." She sighed and got up, picking up Scarlet with her.
"I have to shower." Tegan yawned and then continued, "I have to go to the hospital when you come back." Sara did not respond. She just looked at her with focused eyes, hoping she would get the hint herself. "She's my best friend!" She had gotten it. Sara closed her eyes and opened them after a second as she swallowed the hurtful words inside her lungs.
"This time you should come back tonight," Sara said…or warned. Tegan was scared of her octave. It was serious and alarming. It was exactly the same one she usually used when she lectured.
It frightened her. She nodded.
She took a shower with her kids inside the bathroom. They mumbled incoherently as she talked to them from behind the half-closed glass door. She would take a look at them every other minute and they would giggle as they sat in their chairs moving their closed fists and socked feet.
She had some breakfast and called Stacy. No response.
She cried a little and pumped.
She couldn't masturbate. She didn't even feel horny for the first time in ages. She felt tired and sad.
Stevie visited again when she was feeding the kids some mashed peas. Scarlet was spitting it all over her clothes and face, and Rose was too distracted with Stevie's presence to imitate her sister that time.
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the teenager. "This is a bad time for me to come."
"No, honey, it's alright. I could use some distraction myself."
The teenager seemed fazed and in wonder. She didn't know what to say. She was more bashful than she appeared to be when Tegan first saw her.
"You haven't had a night's sleep I bet."
"No, I haven't." At that thought, Tegan yawned. "It's been terrible. I can't bring myself to sleep even if I try. I'm worried." Her voice broke down but she didn't want to cry in front of the kid.
"Why don't you put them to sleep and try to take a nap? It's only healthy." Tegan chuckled and shook her head. She wanted Stacy to respond.
Not even Jeremy did. She was too worried to think. Her heart was drumming too quickly for her to rest. What if?
When the kids were fed, she put them down on the floor so they could crawl around, but they decided to climb up the teenager's lap as she faced them on the carpeted floor. Both of them raced to be held by her as they drooled and squealed and giggled and moved.
"They like you so much." Tegan laughed a little, helping her support both babies as they fought for her attention. "They don't usually like people quickly, especially Scarlet." Tegan pointed at the baby in maroon overalls. Scarlet was pinching Stevie's cheeks while Rose rested her head on her chest and sucked her thumb with eyes closed. "Rose is the calm one," Tegan pointed at Rose. "She's so nice to everyone while Scarlet gives them a hard time and likes too much attention. She doesn't like it when Rose takes more attention…or when Sara does from me." Stevie's eyes widened immediately and Tegan didn't get it at first. She wondered if she said something wrong because the kid's face was on fire. "Are you okay?"
"Umm…she's…" The teenager blushed furiously as she looked down at Rose trying to push herself against her breast.
"Shit, I just fed her." Tegan took Rose away and looked at her for a minute. "Rosie, I just fed you, baby." She kissed her nose. Her daughter giggled and moved her arms wildly. "Don't touch people's boobies like that, little kid." She kissed her nose again and another giggle escaped Rose's lips. Scarlet, of course, was trying to throw herself at her mother's embrace having seen the attention her sister had gotten from her. "You see what I'm talking about?"
"Yeah." Stevie held Scarlet tightly so she wouldn't jump out of her arms. "I think I would be like Rose if I had a sibling but my mum thinks I would be a jealous kid. Everyone thinks I'm spoiled. I mean, I am…to some extent, but that's because my parents have spoiled me since I am an only child." She shrugged.
Tegan was enjoying the light conversation. Stevie was so innocent and nice. She talked randomly and effortlessly. Her coyness made Tegan think Sara would have had the same personality her age—a mixture of coyness and confidence.
Why was Sara so controlling? Why was she so…No…She didn't want to upset herself. Maybe Sara had had a terrible night. Maybe she was just worried or angry about something else. The kids had probably given her the worst night ever. Even Ella said they cried all night long.
But she was just…
Her phone rang. A nice save from her thoughts. It was Stacy.
She picked up immediately, dreading the worst.
"She woke up," Stacy said quickly with laughter and tears and panting.
"Oh, my God." Tegan panted. Her instant relieved smile was accompanied by tears she did not feel were running down her face.
"She woke up two hours ago. I'm so sorry. I lost it when they told me. I left my phone outside. Jeremy did so, too." Stacy cried more. She sniffled and hiccupped and broke down in tears. "She's fully awake and conscious."
"Calm down," Tegan screamed, happily crying and smiling. "Thank God. Fucking thank God." Maybe there was one after all. Stevie was smiling brightly. "Calm down, please."
"She's in so much pain, my poor baby…but she's awake. God, she's awake and she's fine...She doesn't remember much but the doctors said it's a traumatic thing not to remember one's accident." Her crying voice and sniffles were loud. "She can speak well, too. She's fine. Tell her mum not to come, please."
Tegan sighed. Was she really fine or Stacy just wanted to push the mother away so she wouldn't be in trouble? It was too late; she was coming anyway. Tegan wondered where she would put Emy's little sister. She was just three months old.
Tegan informed Sara when the professor returned home, slouching against the couch with a loud huff of exhaustion.
"Yeah, I know. I called Stacy." She closed her eyes and daydreamed of a foot massage, of some kisses, some cuddles, some good sex. She sighed as her imagination swayed her. "I don't know what's up with you lesbians not being able to drive well." She grinned at her wife's scowl. "It's a joke."
"Driving is traumatizing for me," mumbled Tegan. Sara nodded. "So the babies are asleep. You can, like, take a nap or something, too. I wanna visit Emy, though."
"Now?" Tegan nodded immediately. "Let's have dinner at least. Let me get Ella from kindergarten and let us have dinner or something then I'll drive you."
"No," Tegan said loudly. "Of course not. I have to see my best friend."
"Mhm."
"Why does this make you angry?" yelled Tegan. "She's in the hospital…hurt and in pain."
"It doesn't make me angry," Sara said. Her calm octave soothed Tegan's anger. She sat up. "I just suck handling them alone, Tegan." She sighed. "I can't do anything on my own…that's what I've noticed."
It was nice having Sara admit that. It gave Tegan some pleasure…some sense of satisfaction. Sara needed her and couldn't manage this family without her. Sara was not in charge. She was just co-dependent. "Well, that's my life alone every day." Tegan shrugged. "I'll be back at night so you don't have to worry about breastfeeding."
It wasn't just the breastfeeding. It was everything. Their babies, Sara admitted, were not the easiest or the calmest to handle. They were noisy, hyperactive, loud, whiny, and demanding. They were two. That fact alone made Sara feel anxious staying alone with them, especially with their unstoppable crawling around each nook and corner.
…
Stacy talked and talked and cried and laughed and wept and kissed and talked some more, but all Emy could do was nod in a weak smile and swallow the pain she felt. She moaned with every movement and uttered a few words because moving her lips hurt. Jeremy understood her inner pain but he, too, couldn't stop it because Stacy was just happy she was alive and well.
"I wish you had told me about this bruise on your head." She pecked it but Emy flinched. "I'm so sorry." Tears escaped the blue eyes. "I thought I lost you. God, I love you." She kissed her hand and Emy moaned in response. "I don't care what your mum's gonna say. I really do love you. I can't live without you." Emy smiled and Jeremy did so, too.
"I love you, too," she whispered agonizingly. She knew, though, that Stacy was apprehending the arrival of her mother. She, too, was not happy about it no matter how much pain she was experiencing. How would she move? How would she get to the bathroom, sit on the toilet, get up, take a shower, get herself dressed? Was Stacy going to do all that? No, fuck…no.
But…how?
When Tegan arrived, she thought of her. She had to ask her for help. She knew it would hurt Stacy's feelings she preferred Tegan to change her clothes for her or help her to the bathroom but her lover had to understand that she just didn't feel comfortable around her yet. She was shy…very shy. She hated it.
"It's her eyes," Jeremy told his friend. "She can't see well. When she fell in my bathroom, she hurt herself and her eye-sight."
"Why didn't you say so?" Tegan asked. Stacy had gone home to shower and change. Tegan convinced her that she didn't want to meet Beth in her disheveled attire, greasy hair, and makeup-smeared face.
"I thought it's just..." She swallowed the metallic taste in her mouth. She could still taste some blood whenever she spoke. "My eyes…going bad because of reading."
"It's fine if you can't talk," said Tegan. "You don't have to."
"Did you tell my parents?" She closed her eyes as a gush of pain traveled to her left hip. She shouldn't have attempted moving.
"Yes," Jeremy said. "That you woke up…yes. But your mum is still coming." Tegan sighed. "With your sister."
Emy attempted shifting her head again but screeched at the pain.
"Don't do that," Tegan scolded. "Don't hurt yourself."
"She's gonna hate me and hate Stacy."
"We'll handle it," Tegan hoped, but she knew Emy's mother and she knew what older people thought when they discovered the age gap between her and her wife, so it was not hard to predict what Beth might say or do.
…
Sara rested on the mattress with the twins seated next to her. Ella sat there drawing and painting as well while the babies played together with their mother. They kept giving her stuffed animals so she could move them around, making them speak, then put them back down. Whenever Sara picked one, the girls giggled in anticipation.
"And this is the little piggy," Sara said in a soft playful voice as she moved the tiny pink stuffed pig around in front of the wide green eyes staring in amazement and wonder. "Little piggy loves Soosie and Rosie." The girls giggled when Sara moved the stuffed animal towards them, tickling both of them a little bit. "He loves singing, sleeping, and dancing." Rose sneezed. "Bless you," Sara mouthed. She sneezed again and her sister looked at her. She sneezed a third time. Sara put the pig down and picked her up. "Come here." She sneezed a fourth time, covering her mother's face with saliva. "Are your allergies acting up?"
Scarlet's jealousy was instantly ignited. She frowned right away and tears began to escape her eyes.
She looked just like Tegan.
Sara almost laughed.
She put Rose down and sat up crossing her legs so she could put both on her lap.
"If you really think I favor one of you, you're wrong. I can barely tell the difference between you two, anyway." No wonder Tegan liked to talk to them. They seemed to be enjoying it. They stared and squealed and rambled and bonded with her. "You really do look like your mum."
"Yes, they do," Ella commented while shifting her body closer to Sara's seated form. "Especially when Tegum cries and her lips go down and she has snot coming out of her nose." The child laughed mischievously, making Sara bite her lower lip at her smart conclusion. "It's true. And they stare like her. Like when they just stare without talking."
Ella meant when they daydreamed or stared into the distance. That's true. They did look like Tegan doing that.
"And I've seen Tegum's picture when she was a baby and they look the same. Very much the same." Ella stood up and jumped. She had just finished her chocolate milk and her energy was at its peak.
"Nice observations, Ms. El, but sit down." Sara pulled her down by her sweater. She didn't want the girls to get too excited and start moving around, too. She couldn't believe they were quietly sitting on her lap.
"I'm just happy Emy woke up." She kissed Scarlet's rosy cheek then Rose's. But Rose sneezed again, that time at her sister who scowled immediately and let out a disturbed groan. Loud laughter escaped Sara's and Ella's lips.
…
Tegan observed the interaction between Beth and Emy. The first moment was full of tears and kisses which left the wounded woman crying in pain. Her pleading eyes begged for Stacy, Tegan, or Jeremy to interfere. The small crying infant screamed in the room as Jeremy held her with helpless apprehension that he might drop her.
The nurse was angry and disturbed. "Ms…you're…you're hurting her. You can't touch her," she warned.
Sara texted Tegan asking her about the interaction between Beth and Stacy. They hadn't talked. No interaction happened. The moment Beth entered she showered her daughter with painful hugs.
"That's my daughter," she said defensively.
"You can't touch her. She's in pain. You shouldn't touch her like that."
"Mum…" Emy pushed her mother's hand away from her arm. "Please." She looked at the crying baby. "That's Ella…" She took a deep breath and looked at Stacy. "You didn't have to come," she voiced towards her mother. "I'm fine."
"You didn't want me to come so I wouldn't see the cougar you're dating?"
The nurse blushed and Stacy closed her eyes in patience she was barely able to withhold. When she opened them, she met Beth's angry ones.
"She's my age," shouted Beth. "Are there not enough women in the world?"
"Mum…"
"You shouldn't make her…," the nurse tried to speak.
"Get away from here and let me talk to my daughter," shouted Beth in hostility.
"You can go." Emy nodded. "I'm fine."
Tegan texted her wife that things were not going well. She put her phone on silent mode so she could exchange messages. The baby wouldn't stop crying and Jeremy was losing his mind.
When the nurse left, Beth immediately attacked, "First I had to deal with you being gay, and then I had to deal with you falling for her…" She gestured at Tegan whose eyes opened widely. "And she fucking broke your heart…and now this?" A look full of contempt was thrown Stacy's way.
She felt like dirt...something disgusting…trash.
"Mum, stop." Emy started to cry. Two of Beth's daughters cried in the room.
"It's all because of you," shot Beth at Tegan. "If you hadn't fucked her up, she wouldn't be running after sick people like these."
"I ask you to speak about me respectfully," Stacy said. It was the first sentence she had voiced. "I love and respect your daughter but I will not tolerate being humiliated like this. You have no right to speak to me like this."
Only Tegan could tell that Stacy was shaking on the inside and that strength and stoicism she was projecting was merely an act which she had mastered throughout the years.
"I'm so sorry, Stacy. I really am," Emy cried.
"Don't apologize to me," said the older woman calmly. "You didn't do anything."
"I don't want to see Emily getting hurt," said Beth. "You have a kid; I was told…you should know what I feel."
"I do…but I don't go attacking people for something they haven't done, and I certainly don't disrespect them for no reason."
"Mum, it was just a car accident. Tegan has nothing to do with it and Stacy has nothing to do with it. I was just tired and sleep-deprived. I didn't have my glasses and I knew I had to get my eyes checked because I couldn't see well and I just almost fell asleep on the road and…it happened."
Jeremy begged for Tegan to take the baby through text messages. She continued refusing because she didn't want to take Beth's baby.
"Why an older woman?" She was still eyeing Stacy up and down, trying to understand her daughter's choices.
"I love her," Emy answered. "It's not wrong. I'm an adult. Please just give me a break." She closed her eyes with silent tears falling. "Give me a fucking break." She hiccupped and sniffled.
Tegan felt terrible. She got up from her seat and sat next to her friend on the mattress. She kissed her head lightly and whispered that it was going to be alright. The scene made Beth boil in anger and Stacy smile in sympathy.
"Please shush the baby. I have a headache," she whispered. "Mum, please."
"I'll go feed her," mumbled Beth.
…
After putting the kids to sleep and convincing Ella that she would see her mother the next morning then putting her to sleep, Sara was finally able to use to the bathroom. Ella had cried too much because she missed her mother and no reassurance worked to assuage her tantrum. Eventually, Sara had to hold her like she held her babies and rub her back as she cried on her shoulder with her thumb in her mouth and her hair wet with her tears. She fell asleep crying and Sara carefully carried her to the guest bedroom.
Sara waited for Tegan. She asked her when she was coming back but Tegan didn't respond. She called. Tegan didn't answer. She began to get worried and irritated. She called Jeremy.
"Is Tegan with you?"
"Yes," he said. "She's with Emy inside…I mean Emy's getting a checkup and she's with her."
Sara hummed then asked again, "Why isn't she picking up?"
"I don't know?" Jeremy answered hesitantly. "She has put her phone on silent mode…so I guess she didn't see it?"
"Well, tell her it's getting late and she needs to come home." She bit her lower lip after that sentence. She sounded like her father when he was angry about her staying somewhere outside for a long period of time. "I mean the kids are gonna wake up and they need her to breastfeed them."
"Sure."
Tegan arrived home with the wrath of the universe inside her chest. She blocked Sara from her vision as she went to the bathroom then changed her clothes.
The kids were not awake. The house was quiet. It was just nine and Sara was in bed reading a book.
"What happened?" Sara asked. "Did she…"
"What is wrong with you?" interrupted Tegan, her octave sharp and furious. "Tell her it's getting late and she needs to come home?"
"Oh, he had to exactly deliver it the way I said it." Sara slammed the book and put it on the mattress. "You know what I fucking meant."
"No," shouted her wife. "What I know is that you're being an asshole. You didn't even call Emy to check…or Stacy…your best friend? Yeah…and you're being selfish and you know too well that's my friend and I have to be there for her. The kids are asleep and fine. I told you I'm coming back tonight so you don't have to call me twenty times to tell me to come home as if I am a lost child."
"They were only eight," Sara said calmly. She rolled her eyes at her frustrated wife which only fueled her anger.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tegan shouted. Her voice was loud and heartbroken. "Why are you doing this?"
"There's nothing wrong with me," answered Sara with a shrug. "I just don't get it."
"Get what?" What made Tegan more exasperated was the coldness emitting from Sara…the frigidness…the calmness she faked in her classes when students got on her nerves.
"Your love for Emy? I mean your dedication?" They finally looked into each other's eyes. Sara's pierced into hers. "Yeah…she's your friend and all but you're acting as if this friend hadn't hurt you or me."
"I'm the one who hurt her, Sara." Tegan shook her head. "And are you really talking about the stupid past? She hurt me because she loved me or because I fucking cheated one hundred years ago?"
"No," Sara screamed. "It's because of the stupid letter she had sent saying I sexually harassed you. It's the fucking letter that almost ended my career and our marriage, Tegan. For fuck's sake that's who you're dealing with. Her letter accused me of sexual harassment and blackmail and she exposed everything we did in it by the way."
Tegan looked down at her fingers. She just looked down without any movement…without a word…without a thought.
"She told Stacy about it when we visited your parents and Stacy made her confess to the dean that she had sent the letter because she was in love with you and was scared you were going to get hurt. I almost went to jail because of the letter, by the way. She, too, almost got in court if I had pressed charges for false accusations."
Tegan was crying.
"But I dropped the whole thing…I just ignored it and I pretended nothing had happened…for your sake…for Stacy's sake." Sara shook her head. "That's what Stacy wanted to talk to me about when we got here…when Emy was with you."
"I know," Tegan said, wiping her tears. "I know it's her."
"What?" A look of ridicule and disbelief contorted Sara's face.
"I didn't know before but…that day when you cried and felt jealous that she's…you know…ahead of me or whatever…I realized it was her…She was too jumpy and scared, too. She just couldn't look at you."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tegan shrugged. "Did you know she did this before, Tegan?"
"No, of course not."
"Then why…why do you just…I don't know…like worship her friendship?"
"Because people make mistakes." Tegan shook her head. "Who are we to judge? She fixed it. She came clean. She took responsibility. Who am I to dig up the past?"
"Why are you so good hearted?" Sara shook her head. "You forgive people too easily."
"If I didn't, I wouldn't be with you right now, Sara."
Tegan also stung people with her tongue easily. No…not people. Just Sara. She was able to wound her with her tongue. Yes, the professor had done atrocious deeds. She had controlled her body, hormones, happiness, life, chased her, stopped her, ended her career, made her have babies, made her raise the babies on her own…Tegan was right…who would want to live with her?
"I'm sorry I make you feel this way." Tegan nodded and took a deep breath. "I love you so much and I don't ever intend to hurt you but sometimes I do…and you do it, too."
Tegan nodded. "I'm sorry that I do." She left the bed and the room as well.
Sara shook her head at herself and turned off the lamp.
She woke up to the loud crying of one baby. She looked around and her wife was asleep by her side. She sat up slowly and looked at the monitor. It was Scarlet. She sighed and left the bed.
"Bring her here so I can feed her," Tegan mumbled. "Please."
"Okay."
Barefoot, she walked slowly and hazily bumping into objects until she reached the nursery. She picked up Scarlet and checked her diaper. Thank God…She didn't have to change for her. She walked back with Scarlet groping her pajama shirt tightly. She kissed her crying face and mumbled sweet reassurances to calm her down.
Tegan sat up and took her from Sara's embrace. She kissed her head and put her against her breast watching as she latched and began to suckle softly. "I need water," Tegan said breathlessly.
"Water?"
She nodded, taking a deep breath.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah…I have palpitations…bad ones." Sara panicked. "I'm fine. I just need water."
Sara left the room and came back in a rush, handing her wife a small bottle that she chugged immediately.
"What do you feel?"
"I'm fine." Tegan took a deep breath. "When I'm very…angry and…worried and nervous…it happens."
"I made you feel this way," Sara said to herself. "I'm sorry." Her voice broke. She despised herself for doing that. Was she a terrible partner? How could she be a good one? She tried but her wife was so sensitive. Everything hurt her feelings.
"It's not you…I mean…everything. Emy's mum was so rude to me and to Stacy. So disrespectful." Tegan began to cry. "I don't know. I hate hospitals. Emy's in pain and she doesn't want Stacy to like…help her with these things because she's shy and I watched them clean her wounds for her and it's just…and then you told me about this whole letter thing. It was just too much."
Scarlet sat up and wiped her own eyes with a closed fist. Sara looked down at her as she began to tear up herself. She wrapped her arms around her wife and kissed her frowning lips. "Don't stress yourself out, please." Tegan nodded and Scarlet whined and pushed her mother away. She was squeezed between the two and hated it. "You shouldn't feel this upset...you should get this heart thing fixed because now I'm so worried."
Tegan nodded, pushing her wife back gently. She covered her breast as Scarlet decided to put her arms up for her other mother to hold her. Sara took the offer and held her against her shoulder, rubbing her back gently.
"Put a towel on your shoulder. She's going to burp and puke on you."
"It's fine," mumbled Sara. "Go back to sleep." She watched carefully and cautiously with a concerned mind as her wife lay back down and closed her eyes.
Sara woke up before her wife. She checked her heartbeat as Tegan slept. She checked on the kids and on Ella then headed to the bathroom to shower. When she left, Tegan was not in the room. She checked the baby monitor and Rose was not in her crib. Tegan must have taken her out to feed her. She dressed herself and fixed her hair and makeup then left the bedroom. Tegan, as expected, was on the couch with her younger daughter nursing.
"Good morning," she greeted with a smile.
The younger woman lifted up her face and smiled wearily. "Good morning." Her eyes were swollen due to the tearful previous night. She was also losing weight. Breastfeeding did that. Sara wished she would stop doing it. She didn't voice it. She didn't want to be like her father.
"How are you feeling?" The professor walked to the couch and sat next to her wife. "Your palpitations?"
"I am much better." Tegan yawned. "Everything's alright."
Sara hummed and put both hands on her wife's shoulders. When Tegan moaned receiving the tender squeeze, Sara took the hint and began to massage slowly. "Does this feel good?"
"Yes, please…keep doing it." Sara leaned in and kissed her jaw. Tegan pushed her head back and closed her eyes. Sara continued kissing the supple skin as her wife breathed in and out slowly.
"I miss you," Sara mouthed sensually. "I miss touching you." Tegan moaned softly. "I miss fucking you." She tilted her face to meet Sara's and join their lips together. She felt her daughter leave her nipple and sit up so she tightened the grip around the baby as she began to move. She heard the whiny whimpers so she pulled away. When she did, she and Sara jumped at the sight of Ella standing in the middle of the living room with a blank face and disheveled hair.
"El, baby," Tegan said. "How are you?" She offered her breast to Rose once again, but the infant shrieked with a slap against her mother's breast. "Shit, Rose." Sara took the baby while Tegan covered her chest, still watching Ella's scowling at them.
"Good morning," Sara said.
"I want my mummy," Ella said. "I want to go home."
Sara sighed. "Yes, El. We're seeing mummy today."
"No. Now." Ella began to cry. "I want her now."
"El, come here, baby." Tegan patted the space on the couch next to her. "Sit next to me. I miss you."
"No. I want my mother," Ella screamed. Sara opened and closed her eyes in frustration. "Tell her to come take me."
"I'm gonna call her right now. I promise you." She picked up the phone to show it to the child. "I just want you to sit here next to Tegum so we can call her." Ella nodded…finally.
Tegan, however, pulled her up and put her on her lap where Rose had been moments before. "She has a fever, Sara." Ella closed her eyes when Tegan felt her forehead. "She's burning."
Sara checked and nodded in silence as she dialed up her best friend hoping to God she would pick up.
A kiss was left on Ella's forehead. "I know you miss your mummy but she's with Emy."
"She's my mummy, though."
"Yes, she is," whispered Tegan. "And she loves you and misses you and…"
"She's not picking up, Ella. I swear."
"No, no, no," Ella screamed and sat up. Her legs shook but Sara immediately held them to steady her.
"Ella, listen," Tegan took the lead. "How about you and I visit mummy after breakfast? You don't have to go to kindergarten and we can just visit her and Emy?"
"Are you telling me the truth?" Sara's eyes widened at her wife's offer. She shook her head.
"Yes, I am. I promise you." She glared at her wife and Ella watched the whole silent encounter.
"No, you're not. You're lying. I can see it."
"I am not. I swear." The baby was in wonder as she stared at Ella crying and Tegan begging her to be quiet. She looked up at her mother and reached for her face to pinch it the way she loved to do.
"But…" Sara's lips were pinched and she couldn't continue her sentence. "Ro…" She was pinched again and the baby giggled. Sara removed the tiny hand gently. "What about the twins?" She let it go only to get pinched a third time.
"I'll call the babysitter. We won't be long. Or I won't be." Sara nodded. "Don't worry."
"I just hope she can…owww, fuck…" She was slapped with peals of laughter coming from Rose. "You learned to do this from your sister, didn't you?" Sara scolded. Ella was finally laughing. Tegan kissed her head and kept her close. "That's funny, Ella?"
"Yes." She buried her face in Tegan's chest and closed her eyes. Sara and Tegan exchanged an amused look and a faint smile before Sara got up to prepare breakfast. "I'll put her in her chair in the kitchen to prepare her food. I guess Scar will wake up soon, too." Tegan nodded. "Try to get in touch with Stacy and Sid. I just hope she can handle both of them."
"She can, Sara. That's her job," Tegan assured as she took her phone to fish for the babysitter's number.
…
The sleeping arrangement for that night was the shittiest she had ever faced. Beth insisted she would stay in the room with Emy while her daughter cried all night long making both Emy and Stacy wish they could cry, too. Emy almost did, but she was too tired to do that. Stacy had to maintain the image she had put in order for her not to be mistaken as a weak being. Eventually, she gave up and left the room. She could easily leave that section and walk over to her office in the gynecology one and stay in there, but she preferred to get a cup of coffee and sit outside in the waiting room. She fell asleep somehow and only woke up to her phone ringing.
It was Tegan. She picked up groggily to the news that her daughter was throwing heavy tantrums for her.
"No, don't bring her here," Stacy said. "I'm coming. I'll come see her now. I could use some fresh air."
She finished her coffee and walked back to Emy's room.
"Awake?" she asked in a whisper.
"Yeah," another whisper was the answer. "I barely slept because of…"
"Because of me…I know," her mother interrupted. "She usually sleeps at night. I don't get…"
"This is a new environment for her. She's an infant. That's not her home. It's cold. It's not comfortable," Stacy said.
"I'm sorry, was I talking to you?" Emy sighed and closed her eyes.
"Please don't," she mumbled. "I'm too tired."
"Well, maybe your smartass girlfriend shouldn't really interfere if she demands respect."
"Stop right there," Stacy said. "I'm actually trying to tell you what's wrong with your daughter. You realize this is a baby and this is not good for her? I offered my apartment for you and a bed to sleep on so she and you can have some comfort but you refused and she hasn't stopped crying all night long, so I think you should really be thankful…"
"I'm here to see my daughter not to get some pity from you," Beth interrupted.
"Oh, my God…just stop," Emy shouted with tears streaming down her face. "Stop already. Both of you are making it worse. Stop it. I am tired. This kid is obviously very upset. Mum, seriously, try to raise a kid right once in your life. She's barely three months old and you dragged her across the country and you're making her spend a night at the hospital and you drink coffee then you breastfeed her. That's fucked up." Beth was stunned. She stood there with nothing to say. Her brown eyes were tiny angry slits and her pale face was red with fury. "And you," Emy continued, addressing her girlfriend, "chill please. Don't teach her. She knows all of this. She's just stubborn. Don't make it harder for me, please. I think you need to get some air. You've been here for three days."
"I went back home yesterday," Stacy reasoned.
"For an hour, Stacy." Emy sighed. "Go see Ella. Take a breath. I need my peace, too." Stacy nodded. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."
"Not this again," whispered the nurse. "Not this…" She could tell Beth was eyeing them with an intense gaze. "I'll go see Ella, but I want you to know me caring about you does not mean I don't think you can take care of yourself."
"I know, honey. I really know. You're just a mum at heart." Emy smiled. "It's who you are…I get it." Emy nodded. "I love you for it." Stacy could tell the mother was fuming from her place on the couch. She could also tell Emy had said those words on purpose to increase that fury. If that wasn't a wakeup call for Beth, Stacy didn't know what it was.
She kissed the corner of her lips and left with a sweet goodbye.
She brought donuts, bagels, and hot chocolate for herself, Ella, and Tegan. Sara had already left when she arrived. She first found Ella in Tegan's arms like one of Tegan's babies, but when her kid saw her she jumped up and hugged her legs.
They shared a moment of affection and Ella cried against her mother's shoulder. "What's going on? I thought you love spending time with Sara and Tegan?" The mother's voice was sweet and gentle as she talked to her baby. Tegan smiled from a distance, waiting for the day her kids would grow up so she could talk to them and they could understand her. Subconsciously, she eyed both of them in their chairs as they stared at the cartoons with their pacifiers in their mouths. She also loved their quiet moments because they looked peaceful and angelic.
"I missed you," Ella answered. "You took too long."
"I'm sorry." She kissed her daughter's forehead. "Are you feeling okay?" Ella nodded.
"She has a fever."
"Yeah," Stacy said. "She's shivering, too." She hugged her daughter's body. "Are you cold?"
"Yes," answered the child.
"Damn. I think she's getting sick," Tegan pointed out and Stacy sighed with a nod. "I'll get her some socks and her robe. I don't get why she takes off her socks."
"Is Emy alright?" Ella asked once Tegan left? "I miss her."
"She's a bit tired. She is going to be fine, though." The kid nodded with a frown. "That's why I couldn't see you. She needs someone with her at the hospital. She's very tired, El." Stacy couldn't tell why her voice was breaking. Emy was going to be alright and Beth was going to get home eventually and they were going to go back home soon. It was bound to happen.
"El, I brought you your favorite socks." It was dark blue with reindeers on it. Tegan had an identical pair and she was wearing it. It made the child smile as she looked down at the older woman's feet. "Just like mine." She sat next to Stacy and put the socks on for Ella who stared at her bashfully. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes." She smiled at both women, her face becoming pink in hue. "I love you, Tegum."
"Awww. I love you so much." Tegan attempted tickling her, but Stacy gently pushed her hand away. She furrowed her brows.
"She began to kick me where my bruise is," explained the nurse. Tegan's eyes roamed down towards Stacy's side, suddenly remembering the stitches she had to get awhile ago.
"I'm sorry." She put her hands beneath Ella's armpits to pick her up and place her back on her lap because Stacy was clearly in pain. "Let me…"
"Don't, Tegan." Again, Stacy pushed her away a second time. "Are you lifting her up like that?" Tegan nodded. "You know you can't? Your stitches will open." Tegan's eyes widened in fear. "You just gave birth like eight months ago. I know you healed but you truly shouldn't pick up things as heavy as Ella."
"I didn't know that." Tegan sighed. "Shit, I hope nothing happened." With a swift movement, Tegan lifted up her pajama shirt to look down at her lower abdomen, sighing in relief knowing there was nothing wrong with her.
"Just be careful," Stacy instructed.
She spent some more time and talked a little bit more with Tegan. She told her everything Beth had said while Ella slept in her arms. She narrated Emy's state. They both called Emy to talk to her. She obviously wanted them close but couldn't demand it. Beth was a bitch, they agreed. Tegan pumped and Stacy fed the two babies while her daughter continued sleeping.
When Sara arrived, she asked Stacy to stay for dinner but the nurse refused. Ella was clearly upset so she had to sit with her and convince her.
"I wanna visit Emy, too," Tegan said.
"Please not today," Sara whispered in protest. "I have so much work, Tegan. I gotta hand in these grades tomorrow. Winter break is in three days." Tegan nodded with a sigh. "She'll understand."
"Tegan, you don't have to come. Emy needs some space from us, I guess."
"Don't go then," Ella begged. She was getting sick…or was sick. Her timbre changed, her nose was red, her skin was hot.
"Just have dinner," Sara said. "I'll just heat up whatever. It won't take long." Mentally, the professor studied what they had in their fridge. She could just order something, but she knew they had been eating takeouts for the past three days. So far she had pizza and Indian food leftovers. She could grill some chicken breasts with vegetables. That was quick and everyone loved it. She'd make soup for Ella. Tegan would help with the salad. She could do it.
"Alright, fine." Sighed Stacy.
By the time they finished dinner, Ella had gotten worse. Her nose started running and her eyes were teary. Sara checked her temperature and drove to the nearest pharmacy to get her some medicine. Stacy was gone when she came back and Tegan was alone with the child in the guest bedroom.
"Don't sit next to her. You'll get sick and you're feeding the kids." Tegan nodded. She was being careful but she wouldn't want to risk it.
Sara changed for the five-year-old and tucked her in while Tegan spent some time with the babies. Stacy continued checking on her daughter every now and then, too.
"Sara, Scarlet has a rash on her butt," Tegan informed while Sara worked with her glasses on and her hair pulled back in a tiny ponytail. "Look." She lifted up the baby to show her mother. "Aww, poor Soosie."
"Okay, why did you get her naked here? She's gonna pee on the couch." Sara stood up to walk to the other couch and check the rash. "Damn, no wonder she won't stop crying."
"I know. Poor baby." Tegan put the baby down again to put her diaper on. "I had to see what was wrong because she was obviously in pain."
"Well, put the rash cream and change her diaper," Sara said. "That's what you should do."
"Oh, yeah." Tegan picked up the whiny baby again. "Let's go heal your little bum, Soosie."
Sara looked down at bewildered Rose on the floor and sighed. "Your mum is a work of art, isn't she?" Rose took off her pacifier and offered it to Sara who took it in confusion. "What do you want me to do with it?" The baby rambled noises of incoherency, pointing at Sara. "Do you want me to put it in my mouh?" The baby rambled again. "No, I'm not gonna do that. It has your spit on it." Sara gave the pacifier back. Angrily, Rose threw it across the room and screeched. "Fuck me, what's wrong with you?" She picked up her daughter and was immediately slapped across the face. "Now that's rude." She walked over to her couch and put Rose down. "See, baby, we're gonna be calm now so mummy can work because otherwise she'll get in trouble." Rose's next target was the heap of papers in front of her. Good thing Sara could detect the attack before Rose could. "Okay, obviously someone is bored and wants to play, but mummy is working so you gotta put up with that. I don't get why you threw your pacifier."
"Give her to me. She's hungry and bored," Tegan said once she returned. "I checked on Ella and she seems so sick. Her face is burning."
"Shit." Sara huffed. "This is all too much."
"I know." Both babies were put in their chairs while Tegan walked around the living room in search for their bottles. "Are we still visiting Evelyn?"
Sara had forgotten about that. They had promised her mother but she totally forgot. She could honestly use the vacation, but her best friend was going through so much and she couldn't leave her alone. Christmas was just a few days away. She huffed a second time and removed the glasses to rub her eyes. "I don't even know. I'm not sure."
"Damn, your mum's gonna be upset." Sara nodded. "You tell her."
"Uh…no…you do."
"Nope." Tegan sat on the floor and held both bottles for both babies. Rose pushed her hand away as usual and Scarlet accepted the offer. "She's your mum."
"She's gonna think I'm the one who doesn't want to go there." Tegan groaned. "She loves you."
"We should just tell her together. She'll understand." Sara chuckled. "What? Stacy's your best friend. She knows and loves her. She'll understand."
"You don't know my mother well, Tegan." Tegan rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying. She's sensitive regarding this situation."
"Then we'll talk to her and explain and offer for her to visit."
"No," Sara shouted as soon as Tegan finished. She barely had the time to finish the sentence.
"Wow…why?"
"No…no. I just…"
"She loves you and loves this family." Sara closed her eyes patiently. "You'll never let it go, will you?"
"How can you let go of years of emotional abuse, Tegan?" Sara returned to her papers. "It just doesn't happen quickly. The trauma stays with you. She's trauma for me."
"Then we won't offer. Fine." Sara didn't care that Tegan was upset about that. She had no right to be upset. She had no fucking right. She didn't and couldn't understand this. That was Sara's past, Sara's mother, Sara's trauma. Nobody could truly understand.
In the middle of the night both Sara and Tegan woke up, not because of the babies; it was because of Ella standing in their room informing them that she had wet her pants. She wasn't even crying like she usually did. She was just disappointed in herself; too sick to even care. Her eyes were barely open when Sara asked her why she hadn't gone to the bathroom. Sara was trying to be nice so she wouldn't make her cry. Tegan was glaring at her wife.
"I peed in my sleep," Ella explained groggily. Her voice shadowed her illness and her nose ran as she stood there with a wet spot in her yellow pajama pants.
"Let's get you changed while Sara changes the sheets, my love." Tegan took her tiny hand in hers and walked out with a loud yawn while Sara followed with eyes too blurry to absorb her surroundings.
Tegan imagined they had a third daughter. If Ella were their kid, life would be harder. They would have to attend to her needs as well as the twins' needs. She shivered while she changed for the kid and entertained her imagination.
Ella joined them in bed, cuddling with Tegan despite her sickness. What could Tegan do anyway? She couldn't push her off. She just hoped she wouldn't get sick. When she woke up to breastfeed her kids, she had to peel Ella off her body. In the morning, Ella was in a worse state. Even Sara worried.
"Maybe we should get her to the pediatrician?" wondered the professor. "Her temperature is too high."
"I don't know," mumbled Tegan. "You should tell her mum."
"She's not picking up." Sara stood up. "I have to leave, though. I have a lot of shit at work. I'll text you. Umm…try not to get the kids close to her and take all your vitamins so you wouldn't get sick, too." Tegan nodded, still feeling Ella's forehead.
That morning was too slow. She cooked breakfast, she cleaned the living room, she talked to her mother, she played with the kids, and then she did her kegels. That part made her miss her vibrator. She wished she could just reach for it and hide in her bathroom for a few minutes. She also thought of Sara and how annoyed she must have been feeling. She had promised her she would sleep with her the morning of Emy's accident. Was she a bad wife?
No…she just needed her vibrator sometimes. Having sex needed too much effort. She had to shave, she had to make sure her breath was nice, she had to get prepared. Sara had to kiss her and fondle her before. She had to return the favor. It took a long time. Her vibrator didn't need a long time. All she had to do was switch it on after reading or watching some porn. She could look as disgusting as possible and her vibrator wouldn't care. She could pee a little after it and her vibrator wouldn't care. She certainly wouldn't have to worry about that issue with the vibrator. She could be as hairy as possible, as disheveled as possible, as loud as possible.
It's not like Sara cared.
It was just…too embarrassing for her sometimes…or tiring…or boring…or she felt inadequate. Her vibrator didn't expect her to return the favor; Sara did. Often times she would hear Sara mumbling something about her not topping her. She hated topping Sara with a dildo. Often times she felt like she could barely do it. Sara was a pro; she wasn't.
But her vibrator had to wait for her because Ella still slept in her bed, on her pillow, coughing and moaning in pain. The child cried while she fed her.
"My nose hurts," Ella whined.
"It's okay, baby. You'll get better." Tegan had mastered being patient with kids because her little ones taught her the art of tolerance. She dealt with Ella the way she did with her kids as they travelled the floor of Tegan's bedroom. When Rose felt tired and sat down, her twin sister faced her. Scarlet attempted a conversation with her sister, who answered in nonsensical noises as well. Then they hugged. Tegan almost choked on her hot green tea as she watched them.
"Did you see that?" Ella remarked. "They hugged."
"I know, I know. I wish I took a picture." She almost cried, watching them intently hoping the scene would be repeated but the babies continued their crawling. Scarlet took lead and Rose followed. The latter was slow and sat down every few minutes. Her sister would check on her then continue, which forced Rose to continue the rounds around the room.
Tegan noticed that her youngest kid looked tired with her beet red face and her coughs. She picked her up and stopped Scarlet. "Aren't you tired?" she asked the eldest twin. "Are you trying to lose weight or something?" While Scarlet didn't understand, Rose pushed her face in her mother's neck and closed her eyes. "You made your sister get tired." She sat down on the mattress. Scarlet continued staring at her, hiccupping all of a sudden. "Oh, you have hiccups."
Though her time was occupied, the hours till Sara's arrival back home were so long. Part of her wished Stevie visited so she could listen to the stories of the teenager and laugh or smile in amusement. She missed her job as a teacher. The part she loved the most was standing there in the classroom interacting with her students, hearing their opinions about the world, conversing and joking with them. Most of them liked her and she liked most of them, too.
When Sara returned, the twins squealed and moved their closed fists together at the view of their mother in her full suited glory.
"Oh, my God, they love me." Sara hurried to both of them in their bouncy chairs to kiss and cuddle. Ella was asleep in Tegan's lap. Her head rested on Tegan's chest and her face was as red as it could get. Tegan held her closely as she wheezed in her slumber. "How is she?"
"Not good," Tegan whispered. "I lulled her to sleep the way we do to Scar. I had to rock her because she kept whining and crying in her half sleeping state."
"You're such a good mum," Sara commented. "By the way, they took Emy back home."
"Seriously?" she said loudly, making the child stir. "When?" she whispered.
"A couple of hours ago. Beth is gonna stay at Stacy's." When Tegan bit her lower lip, Sara chuckled with a knowing smile. "I know. Talk about drama." The professor yawned. "Anyway, I'll take care of the kids and El. You should visit her."
"Oh, thank you." Tegan sighed in relief. "Don't make them crawl on the floor, though. Scarlet made her sister crawl around with her in our room and I don't know but Rosie got tired and her face turned tomato red."
"Damn." Sara looked at her younger daughter worriedly. "Is she alright?"
"Yes, she is. It's just Scarlet is a control freak…God knows whose genes are these." With a smirk, Tegan made her wife's face glow in sheepish rosiness. "She also hugged her sister. It was so cute. I wish I took a picture."
"Seriously?" Sara exclaimed. "I wish you'd taken a picture. Please do next time."
"It was too quick. I missed it." Tegan laughed.
The couple had dinner together with Ella seated on Sara's lap. She forced the bites into her mouth but the five-year-old groaned in protest. She coughed constantly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand until Sara noticed and helped her wipe it with a tissue.
"Blow your nose," she guided. Ella attempted but couldn't do it. "Try again."
"Do you want some milk, El?" Tegan asked. "I can make you some hot milk and give you some cookies." Ella nodded.
"In my tiger cup," she commanded shyly.
"Alright." Tegan searched for her sippy cup everywhere and couldn't find it.
"It has water in our room," Sara said. They had used it the night before to convince her to drink water after her medicine. Ella was too old for a sippy cup, but she couldn't let go of it. Her mother didn't mind. As long as she was not still addicted to the bottle.
Tegan made sure Sara didn't need anything before she left. Ella was finally quiet with her milk and cookies and the kids were napping. She kissed her wife goodbye before taking a Lyft.
She met Jeremy on the way out. They hugged and talked in the cold street. "Just a warning, her mum is crazier than ever."
"What do you mean?" Tegan asked with a shiver.
"I think she actually had lost it after losing Emy's brother? Like…she's I don't know…she's inappropriate. She was talking about her…healing after giving birth like I was not there. Emy wanted to cry. I could tell."
Tegan laughed. "Sometimes older women don't give a fuck. Sara's like that. She'd talk about her vagina for hours in front of everyone."
"Well, I don't wanna know."
"I don't know how I dated you for so long," Tegan teased with a tsk.
"You didn't date me, you just slept with me and lived with me and went out with me," he joked back. It was good they were joking. "Anyway, Denise says hi. She visited yesterday. She knit something for your babies. I think scarves? I don't know. I'll get them to you if I see you tomorrow."
"Oh, yes, the beanies she talked about. How cute. Thank her for me." Tegan hummed. "Or I'll text her."
"Alright. Get in there now, you're shivering."
"Yeah. It's fucking cold."
As expected, Beth opened the door. She said hi but still rolled her eyes. She plopped down on the couch next to her daughter's chair. "They're in the bedroom."
"Okay." Tegan walked inside quickly, first knocking then entering when allowed in.
"Heyyyy," she greeted softly. The purple hue of bruises was lighter in shade. Emy looked a bit better. There was a wheel chair next to her mattress. She was seated a little bit. "I'm so glad they let you out."
"Under close watch, though," Stacy said. "Problem is I have to go back to work tomorrow so…"
Emy held Tegan's hand and squeezed. "You have to stay with me." Tegan opened her mouth to speak but closed it immediately.
"I told Sara," Stacy said. "You have to stay with her because Beth is making it so hard for her to get better."
"I asked her to help me to the bathroom today and it was a disaster."
"No, I'm fine about it. It's just the kids and Ella."
"Is she better?" her mother wondered loudly. Tegan shook her head. "Fuck. I feel so guilty."
"Maybe she should be back here," Emy suggested.
"I can't have here with Beth around."
"We'll manage it, don't worry." Tegan kissed her best friend's forehead. "I'm just happy you're alright."
"I continued complaining about Stacy playing the nurse role and now she really has to do this." Stacy laughed loudly, amused and proud. "You're living your fantasy, I bet."
"You know that's not true." Stacy laughed some more. "My actual fantasy is for you to be as healthy, as happy, and as strong as possible so I don't have to deal with your mum." The couple kissed quickly and Tegan smiled.
"How does it feel like to be treated like a child, Em? Someone getting you dressed and taking you to the bathroom?"
"And wiping your ass for you…awesome," Emy said sarcastically.
"She makes me close my eyes," Stacy said amusingly.
"You'll get used to it," Tegan added. "Sara took a tampon out of me once." Emy's eyes opened in horror. "It becomes pretty normal by the way."
"I'm getting my period soon," Emy whispered to herself. "Shit, no…no..."
"You're supposed to start in two days, so I'm supposed to start in three days," Stacy said.
Tegan counted hers in her head and realized she had missed a period the month before. "I actually have only gotten it like twice after birth so…I don't know when I'm getting it but I'm happy this way."
"You should probably get a checkup," Stacy noted. Tegan gave her a look indicating what she had suggested was stupid. "You two need to grow up about such things." The nurse stood up with a yawn. "Anyway, I'll leave you two. I'll go make some coffee and use the bathroom."
Three nights without any slumber made her body feel weak. She could collapse at any moment. She had to go back to work the next day but her body couldn't carry her. She was running on excessive caffeine and patience. Her daughter was sick and needed her and her lover was broken and needed her. She could cry with a push of a button, but she put on her big girl mask and pretended she was alright. Her whole body ached and her head throbbed. The last scene she wanted to see was Beth smoking while breastfeeding her three-month-old daughter in the living room.
At first she blinked thinking her mind was hallucinating. When she opened her eyes the scene was real. The mother was smoking and breastfeeding simultaneously.
"Are you really smoking and breastfeeding?" she asked in disbelief. "Do you wanna kill your kid?"
"Shut the fuck up," Beth said with a puff of smoke leaving her lung. "You smoke, too."
"Not while breastfeeding my infant," screamed Stacy. "There is something seriously fucking wrong with you."
"At least I'm not a pedophile."
Stacy's wrath climbed up her system. She had to bite down on her lip and squeeze all the anger inside her before responding. Her tears betrayed her. Her hot tears of frustration stabbed her lids and rained down her face. Even Beth was surprised. Her round lips were parted while her cigarette was left to burn between her two fingers.
"This is the last warning for you," Stacy spoke quietly. "You either show some respect or leave my house." With a deep breath she left the living room and walked to the kitchen where she sat down on her chair, dialing her mother's number to fill her in on all the things that had happened.