AN: Alright, so this isn't a Christmas story but it is it's regularly scheduled update day, so here is your Christmas Day update. Still dealing with the aftermath of Lucas' death but they are doing it together! Thank you to all of my readers. I would probably still write even if I didn't have an audience, but you all bring a special kind of satisfication to the process. So happy that others can enjoy these stories as well! Happy Holidays all!
Though thankful for Nathan's presence as they walked, Elizabeth was also thankful for his silence. She liked knowing he was by her side but right then, she did not feel like talking as she was trying to sort out and make sense the emotions she was feeling. Emotions that were starting to feel very repetitive even to her. She could only wonder what those who were watching her go through this struggle were feeling.
Elizabeth felt troubled by the news of Lucas' death. He had been her husband. Losing Jack had devastated her. Shouldn't she feel some kind of grief over Lucas' passing? There had been happy times when they were courting. The honeymoon had been pleasant even if a bit too long for her liking. Shouldn't those pleasant memories count for something?
Apparently they did not, as all she could feel was relief that she had nothing to fear from the man. There would be no parole. There would not even be a release in so many years. Lucas could never hurt her or Jack again. He could not even attempt to hurt Nathan, who had rescued her from him.
Looking up at the man beside her, Elizabeth was very thankful for that. Despite all she had put him through, Nathan's love for her had remained though he had held it in check in respect for her. That was true love.
So why couldn't she return that love? Had Lucas' actions rendered her incapable of ever feeling love for another man again? Was friendship and physical intimacy all that she could ever offer this noble man by her side? Would that truly be enough?
Nathan deserved more. Of that, Elizabeth was certain.
What was it Nathan had said in the living room a short time ago? That her mistakes did not define her and that she needed to stop living in the past and live for the future.
Looking away from Nathan, Elizabeth focused on the road they were walking. A long sigh escaped her. The emotional circles she had been traveling were tiring. Perhaps she was stuck in a rut that she could not escape from.
An arm looped around her shoulders, as Nathan pulled her gently toward him. Elizabeth did not resist. While affectionate displays like this had seemed off when she had first started courting Lucas, this felt right.
Perhaps that should have told her she was never in love with Lucas. It had not been his affection she sought but the familiar life style she had grown up with. The way of life that had sheltered her from the harsh realities of life. She had told Rosemary that she had not wanted to voice her feelings for either man because as soon as it did it became real.
Had that been when she had started living in the past? Had the past become easier to live in because of the safety it provided. That by courting Lucas, she could stay in the past that had sheltered her. Live in the world that had not taken the man she loved from her.
In her mind, she could see the Mountie on horseback approaching. His bearing and the hat had been enough to recognize him as a Mountie even in the poor lighting of the Hope Valley street that night. It had also been enough to tell her that the man on horseback had not been Jack. In her mind's eye, the man on horseback came into the light but it had not been the Mountie whom she could still not recall his name but Bill. The memory of Bill approaching their house that evening was linked with receiving news of Jack's death. The emotions were the same.
But the thought of Lucas' death brought only relief. She hoped Lucas had suffered in those final moments. Hoped that he had gotten a taste of what he had put her through. Perhaps he may have even regretted what he did to her and Jack in those last moments? Was the man even capable of remorse?
Elizabeth closed her eyes, allowing the arm around her shoulder guide her steps. Perhaps it was just too much to figure out. Yet she knew that until she did, she would always be trapped - not free to live in the future like Nathan had said they needed to do.
When Elizabeth opened her eyes again, Jack's land was finally in view. The beauty of the scene filled her, pushing the memories of Lucas aside. Instead, the memory of coming here that first time with Jack is what filled her mind's eye. He had been so happy to show her this land. Finally moving from the shelter of Nathan's arm, she walked forward, taking in the beauty of the valley below. Oh, what a beautiful view this would have been to look at every day. She could still hear Jack's voice as he told her about his plans about the house he had planned to build. Though he had dreamed, he had asked her for her input. He had wanted the house to be theirs.
Lucas had built their home and expected her to like it. Granted, it had luxuries that her home with Jack never would have. Things that her home with Nathan and the kids didn't have. Yet, that grand house, had never felt like home. It had never felt like hers. She had not even been allowed to decorate, except for Jack's room. It had all been done for her.
Nathan had asked for her input when moving her things into his home. He had asked her if she had different curtains she had wanted to hang or rugs she wanted to put down. He had offered to make room for her dishes. Even in the beginning, Nathan had wanted her to feel as if the house was her home as well.
"I have not been up here for a while now," Elizabeth commented aloud as she walked across the land. "Not since before I married Lucas. I never mentioned this land to him." Elizabeth looked back at Nathan who had come to a stop not far from the road that led up to the land. "I had Bill put the land in my father's name before I got married. Did you know that?"
Nathan nodded. "I asked Bill about the land after we got married. You hadn't said anything about it, nor had you come up here that I was aware of. I remembered seeing you up here frequently when I first came to Hope Valley as I rode past on rounds. I wondered why you had not come up here when it seemed to have brought you such joy. I was afraid that Lucas might have taken it from you as well. I inquired about it with Bill because if he had, I planned on seeing what I could do to get it back for you."
Elizabeth's breath caught. Though his confession of wanting to get the land back for her touched her, it was not what surprised her the most.
"You saw me up here? I don't remember ever seeing you," Elizabeth confessed. Having paused her steps, she turned to face him.
There was a lot about Nathan that you refused to see back then, a voice whispered in her head.
Nathan smiled. "You seemed like you were in your own world when you were up here. You came up here for solitude. I know how important solitude can be. I didn't want to disturb that."
"I came up here to feel close to Jack," Elizabeth confessed. Her hand went up to the locket she wore. The little piece of jewelry allowed her to keep her late husband close to her heart. It had been Nathan who had given her that gift.
"Can I share with you some of Jack's plans for this land?" Elizabeth asked.
"I would like that," Nathan told her, his tone conveying his sincerity.
Elizabeth held out her hand to him. With long strides, Nathan closed the distance between them. His hand grasped hers and like that moment in the library when they had both gone for the same book, she felt the pricks of electricity. Even then, she had felt something for Nathan Grant. That realization had started making her withdraw back then but she didn't plan on letting that happen now. She had to move past those mistakes and allow her to live in these moments so that she could figure out for herself what everyone else seemed to already know.
Was what she felt for Nathan love?
Lacing her fingers through his, Elizabeth began to share the memories she had with Jack here. Nathan's love for her was not threatened by her first husband's memory. His placement of Jack's photograph on her desk had proved that to her.
When she reached the log, now hidden in the weeds that had grown up around it, Elizabeth let go of Nathan's hand to search for the letters carved in the wood. Finding them, she let her hands trace the letters like she had so many times before.
"I sat here and read Jack's final words to me," Elizabeth said, looking at their initials. "He had written the letter when he left for the Northern Territory and left it with Abigail. He had never asked for it back, and so Abigail still had it when he died during his assignment at Fort Clay." Standing, Elizabeth turned to face Nathan. "Did you ever write a letter like that for anyone, Nathan?"
"I have," Nathan confessed. "I wrote a new letter for Ally roughly about every year since I took her in. I always wanted her to have a current perspective on what she meant to me. Gabriel had a hold of them. Despite telling him he could destroy the old one when he got a new one, he kept every one of them over the years. I still have them. I am thinking of sharing them with Ally one day. I think it might help her to understand me a little better, one day."
"I think she would like that," Elizabeth commented.
"There was another letter I wrote to someone to be delivered if the worst had happened," Nathan confessed. "I wrote one to you, after that first Christmas that Ally and I spent here in Hope Valley. Part of me I wished I had the courage to kiss you that evening while hanging the cardinal ornament. But I hadn't and the moment passed. I couldn't even find the courage to tell you that I had decided to turn down the promotion and stay after I saw you talking with Lucas that night and then Ally told you. I lost my courage to speak after that, not sure if you were ready to move on after losing Jack. However, writing things down has always come easier for me. So I bared my heart in that letter. Though I had hoped to one day share those feelings with you, if something had happened to me before I had that chance, I still wanted you to know how special you were to me, Elizabeth. Even back then."
Elizabeth gave Nathan a sad smile. Touched by his confession, she decided to make one of her own.
"I often wished I had told you that I wanted you to stay in Hope Valley because I didn't want you to leave. Yes, the friendships which Ally had formed were important to me, but I knew that if you left Hope Valley you would have left another hole in my heart. Maybe not as big as the hole that losing Jack had caused, but a hole nonetheless."
Nathan stepped toward her. Reaching out, he placed his hand gently against her cheek. Elizabeth could feel her heart beat faster at the touch. Still, she didn't pull away. She didn't want to pull away. As Nathan leaned his head in closer, Elizabeth moved to close that distance as well, wanting to feel his lips on hers. Though brief, there was no mistaking the passion that was in that kiss.
As they pulled away from the kiss, Nathan's hand still rested on her cheek. He still stood close to her as their eyes gazed into one another's eyes, nothing at all uncomfortable about it.
"Jack's final wish for me was for me to open my heart to love again. I sat on that log and read those words thinking 'how could I ever do that'. I have failed miserably at fulfilling that wish in his memory."
"That is not true," Nathan told her. "You love your son, Elizabeth."
"I almost left him," Elizabeth countered.
Nathan reached up with his other hand to cup her face in both hands. Held there with those strong but gentle hands, Elizabeth didn't feel trapped. She didn't feel the need to run. She looked into those clear blues eyes basking in the strength and the love she saw there.
"But you didn't. Even before I showed up, you had your doubts. You did not want to leave him. You would have swallowed more of the pills at one time had you been committed to your course of action."
Elizabeth had no words of argument because none existed. Nathan knew her like no one had known her since Jack had passed away.
"Loving Jack Junior is the first step in fulfilling that wish Jack Senior had for you. He knew it would not be easy. That is why he wrote it in words, where you could go back and see it in black and white whenever you needed a reminder. That was one of his final gifts to you."
"I have feelings for you, Nathan. I always have but when I try to put voice to those feelings I feel like I am suffocating."
Nathan's hands fell from her face at the admission. She thought he was going to turn away in disgust. She couldn't blame him. He had loved her through everything. Through the pain and disappointment. When there had been nothing lovable about her actions. Even in the deepest darkness his love had always been there. He had every reason to be disgusted with her.
Before those thoughts had even finished going through her mind though, Nathan's arms were around her. He pulled her gently against his body, his chin resting on her head. Elizabeth did not fight it, instead relaxing into the embrace. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tight.
"The words will come, Elizabeth. When your mind is finally done fighting with your heart, the words will come. Until then, know that I have seen your love for Allie and for me in your actions. If I never get the words, those actions are all I need."
Sheltered in Nathan's embrace on Jack's land of unfilled dreams, the tears finally came. They were not tears for Lucas Bouchard though. As far as she was concerned, he finally had simply been unable to out run his past any longer. No, the tears were a release of the feelings she had kept locked deep within her heart out of fear and grief. She had tried to ignore them, bury them, run away and tried to deny them by marrying Lucas but they had always been there. Now, she just needed to find the strength and courage to sort them out and accept them. The love Jack had wanted her to open her heart to was right before her. She knew that. She just needed to shake off the last of her fears and embrace it.
Wrapped in Nathan's strong, patient, loving embrace Elizabeth felt his assurance enveloping her that she would be able to do just that. One day, she would be able to hear the words 'I love you' and say them back with a free heart. Until then, her actions of love would be enough.
Nathan and Elizabeth arrived home just as Bill was riding up on Hero with their dinner. The older man dismounted, handed the basket of food to Nathan, and pulled Elizabeth into a wordless embrace.
"How are you doing?" Bill asked when he started releasing her. He held her at arms' length as he looked into her eyes.
Elizabeth tried to force a smile. "I am relieved I don't have to worry about Lucas ever violating the restraining order you put in place," she told him truthfully. "After what he did to me and Jack, I can't say I lament his passing but this has me finally facing emotions I was trying to avoid."
"That might be a good thing in the long run," Bill commented.
Elizabeth nodded her consent as Bill let his hands fall from her arms.
"Gabe did tell you he was feeding the kids, right Bill?" Nathan asked, having looked into the basket of food.
"Yes," Bill said. "I figured some of that stuff can be used as leftovers," the older man said. "I just wanted to do something. Making sure you all were properly fed was that something," he added, the last words a bit uncomfortable.
Elizabeth and Nathan smiled. Even now, Bill could get awkward with the emotional stuff but there was never any doubt where his heart was. Elizabeth looked at Nathan. Silently she communicated her intent and Nathan gave her a slight nod. Looking back to Bill, Elizabeth asked, "would you like to join us for dinner, Bill?"
"I don't want to intrude," Bill replied.
"When have you cared about intruding on someone, Bill?" Nathan said lightly, reaching out and clapping a hand on the older man's shoulder. "The story has it, your judgeship came after you barged into a judge's office and accused him basically of conduct unbecoming."
Bill looked over at him. "Extenuating circumstances," he replied, neither confirming nor denying the information.
Nathan smirked. "I am sure," he said, as he held the basket out to Elizabeth. "The two of you go ahead inside. I will get Hero settled in the barn and then come join you."
"Thank you," Bill told Nathan with a nod. Reaching out, he settled his arm across Elizabeth's shoulders. "Come on, dear. I will help you get things ready."
Elizabeth let herself be led into the house. Nathan watched the two of them. Once again, he felt relief. Relief that Lucas could not even attempt to destroy any of this. As they disappeared from sight, Nathan took Hero's reigns and led the horse toward the barn. After untacking Hero and settling him in an empty stall, Nathan headed back to the house.
The conversation over the meal flowed freely among the three. The topic of Lucas was avoided until the end. Even then, it was Elizabeth who had brought it up, by asking Bill if he felt Jack was old enough to be told the news. Nathan was thankful when Bill said he felt honesty was the best policy in this instance. That as much as Jack had already been through, even if this news caused a bit of regression, in the long run working through it now would be best for the boy.
"Could you stay while I tell him, Bill?" Elizabeth asked. "I think it would be good for Jack to have more adults around him with this news. To know that he has adults in his life who will be there for him. I plan on asking Gabriel if he can stay as well."
Bill nodded. "I would be honored to stay, Elizabeth. Anything any of you needs, I will always be there."
"Thank you, Bill," Elizabeth said with Nathan echoing the sentiment afterwards.
After dinner, Nathan suggested that Elizabeth take some time to herself and he would clean up. Taking him up on the offer, Elizabeth went upstairs to lie down. Bill pitched in with the clean up and though not much was said between the two men, Nathan was grateful for his presence.
Gabriel arrived with Ally and Jack a little bit before seven. Elizabeth had come downstairs again and hearing the wagon outside, she moved for the door. She greeted the children and then invited Gabriel inside. Nodding, Gabriel came toward the house. Both children had gone inside to greet their Grandpa Bill.
"Ally already knows. She came to me asking what was going on and Vincent was occupying Jack upstairs so I told her."
"That's fine," Nathan assured him. "We're going to tell, Jack."
"I would just like Jack to know he has other adults in his life are going to be there for him," Elizabeth told Gabriel quietly.
"I am happy to be there for him," Gabriel assured her as they walked inside.
In the house, Bill and Jack were already sitting on the settee. Jack was telling his 'Grandpa' about the time he had spent with Vincent this afternoon. Ally was standing behind the settee. As they walked in, Nathan motioned for Elizabeth to join Jack and Bill on the settee. Though he would jump in if needed, they had both agreed that the news about Lucas should come from Elizabeth. As she sat down next to Jack, Nathan took a seat in the wingback chair in the room, while Gabriel took the chair at Elizabeth's desk and turned it around so that he could face the group. As Nathan settled in the chair, Ally came over to him. Despite her age, Nathan let her sit on his knee. Knowing that she knew what was coming, he didn't blame her for seeking comfort.
"Jack," Elizabeth said, catching a break in the boy's story. "There is something I need to tell you."
Jack looked up at his mother, his smile fading. He took a few moments to take in his mother's expression and then looked around at the faces of the others in the room. As he looked back at his mother, tears started to fall silently down the boy's cheeks.
Reaching out, Elizabeth wrapped her arms around the boy, ensconcing him in love and safety.
"Shhh, my Sweet Boy. You are safe," she told him, trying to keep her words steady and soothing. She needed to be strong now, for Jack's sake.
"Then why is everyone so sad?" Jack asked, the words muffled as he continued to cling to his mother.
"Because there is something that we need to tell you, Jack. Your Uncle Gabe got word today that Lucas died in jail last night."
"How?" Jack asked, still not lifting his head.
Elizabeth looked over at her husband. Nathan could see the panic in her eyes, clearly uncertain of how to answer the single word question. He took that as he cue to enter the conversation.
"Lucas had angered someone stronger than him, Jack. When the Mounties on guard were dealing with another situation, that man took his chance. The Mounties could not help Lucas in time."
Jack turned his head, his eyes seeking out Nathan, though he made no attempt to move from the safety of his mother's embrace.
"Would they have?" the boy asked.
"Yes," Nathan said. "They would have because Lucas was in their custody. That meant they were responsible for his safety. Assuming he was not hurting anyone, they would have stepped in and protected him. That is what Mounties do."
Jack was quiet for a moment. The adults remained silent, giving the boy time to process things. When the boy did move, it was to pull back some so that he could look up at his mother. "So Lucas cannot hurt you or me ever again?"
Elizabeth nodded. "That is right, my sweet boy. He will never hurt anyone again," she told him, her arms still loosely around the boy.
"Good," Jack said. "I hated when he hurt you, Mama. I was too little to protect you but if I had been bigger I would have."
"I should have been protecting you, Jack," Elizabeth told him.
"But he was stronger than you too, Mama. I saw you try to get away from him to come to me. He was just too strong for us. Not for Daddy Nathan, though. He saved us both."
"Yes, Jack. He did and your Dad will continue to do his best to protect us."
"You should have chosen Daddy Nathan in the first place," Jack told her leaning against Elizabeth again. Though the words held an accusation, the boy's actions said that he loved her just the same.
Elizabeth smoothed Jack's hair with one hand. "I cannot disagree with you there, Jack," she told him before placing a kiss on the top of the boy's head.
Bill reached out a hand to rest on the boy's leg. Though he stayed in the shelter of his mother's arms, Jack looked at the man. "If you have any worries about this, or anything else, you can come to any of us, Jack. We are all here for you. Remember that."
"I know," Jack replied.
Nathan looked at Ally. "What about you, Ally? Are there any questions you want to ask?"
Ally shook her head. "Uncle Gabe answered my questions," she assured him. "I am just glad there is no chance that he might come back and break our family apart," she said, putting her arms around Nathan's neck.
"No chance of that at all," Nathan assured her hugging his daughter. The comment made him wonder if perhaps that had been part of Ally's hesitation about accepting Elizabeth. The fear that Lucas might come back and in some way disrupt their family. If that was the case, perhaps her feelings about not belonging to the family might be resolved soon. He planned on having a private conversation with her when she went to bed tonight. For now though, he sensed what she really needed was to just be held close for a bit, just like Elizabeth was doing with Jack.