Finishing the chapter she was reading out loud, Ally closed the book. Looking up, her eyes met her father. Nathan was glad that despite her age, she still treasured these moments they spent reading together before bed just like he did. Tonight though, it provided him with an opportunity to ask her about her earlier comment.
"Ally, I want to ask you something about what you said earlier," Nathan began.
"All right," Ally said, reaching out and placing the book they were reading on the night stand next to her current journal.
"You said you were glad that there is no chance Lucas could come back and break our family apart," Nathan ventured. Before he could finish where he was going with his thought though Ally spoke up.
"I know. I shouldn't be glad someone is dead. Even a criminal and I am not. Not really," Ally said quickly. "It is just that now there is no worry about Mr. Bouchard getting out of jail and coming back. I know Grandpa Bill put the restraining order in place but that did not stop him from coming back here."
"So, that was fear of yours? That he might hurt someone here?"
Ally looked down at her hands which were folded in her lap, on top of the sheet. "Or that Elizabeth might go back with him. That she might choose him over us again," she admitted quietly.
Nathan was not sure what to say. He understood the pain that the fear came out of. Elizabeth's rejection of him, and by turn Ally, a few years ago had hurt his daughter deeply. He had been well aware of that. Though she had been trying to trust again had made him proud. To hear this fear, broke his heart.
Reaching out, he pulled his daughter close to him, placing a kiss on the top of her head. "I am sorry you've had to carry that fear, Ally. You have been so brave through all of this."
"I do forgive, Beth, Dad. I have," Ally told him as she let herself be held close. "I am glad you opened your heart to her when she needed you despite the past. I love having a little brother in Jack and someone to talk about woman things to but I was always worried that if Mr. Bouchard would come back again she would choose him over us again. After all, my birth father is not a good man either, but Mom kept going back to him. I figured it could still happen with Beth."
"Trust is a hard thing to achieve after it has been broken. I am so sorry you had to learn that so young, Ally," Nathan told her. "But there is no chance of that happening now. To be honest, I don't think it ever could have happened."
"Why is that?" Ally asked, not stirring from his embrace though her voice revealed an honest curiosity.
Nathan glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was at the door. Seeing no one, he looked down at the daughter he still held. "Because between me and you, I think we were Elizabeth's choice all along but she was scared to open her heart and risk it breaking again. Just like you tried to sabotage friendships with the other children when you first came here, to protect your heart."
Ally was thoughtful for a moment. When she did speak, a little smile came to her face. "I can understand that fear of getting hurt. I think I have been showing a bit of it myself lately by not letting myself really be apart of the family."
"Perhaps," Nathan said. "But Ally, you are a part of this family no matter how troubled you feel inside. Nothing can change that. Just like me keeping Grandpa at arms' length all those years did not make him not a part of the family."
"Arms' length?" Ally asked. "I think you had a ten-foot pole you were trying to use."
Nathan chuckled. "Perhaps so," he agreed, kissing the top of her head again. "But you know what?"
"What?"
"I have been much happier being on speaking terms with Grandpa even despite all the pain. So thank you for your part in bringing that about, though running away is never a good solution to a problem."
"You are welcome," Ally replied.
As Nathan let her go, Ally settled back against her pillow. "Did you ever try to run away as a kid?" she asked, looking up at Nathan.
"Me? No, I didn't," Nathan told her. "Your mother did once though."
"She did? Why?"
"Because your grandma would not let her wear her hair up to a church social for the teenagers in the congregation. Your mother was fourteen, you age now, and Grandma thought she was too young for such a grown-up hairstyle. So, your mother decided that instead of going to the social she was going to run away and make Grandma regret not letting her wear her hair up."
"What happened?"
"Well, the pastor and his wife had realized Colleen was not at the social. The pastor left his wife and a couple other parents in charge at the church so that he could check on us. He wanted to make sure none of us were sick or hurt. Of course, your grandmother was worried when she heard Colleen had not gone to the social. The pastor convinced her to stay at the house in case your mother came home while he notified people to get out searching for Colleen."
"Did they find her?"
"They did. Your mother hadn't gotten too far. She was trying to make her way through a wooded area and her hair got tangled in the brush. The Mounties sent out to look for her found Colleen about fifteen minutes after they started. They tried to untangle her hair from the brush, but couldn't manage it, her struggles having tangled the hair more. In the end, one of the Mounties had used a knife to cut Colleen's hair to free her. Your mother ended up with hair just above her shoulders after it got cut properly after the ordeal, which our mother thought was a sufficient punishment for Colleen's disobedience. It was the only time I remember Colleen having short hair."
"So does that mean I am too young too wear my hair pinned up for my birthday party?" Ally asked, a mischievous look on her face.
Nathan reached out and ran his hand through the long tresses. "Most definitely," he told her. "I do not need my little girl growing up all in one night."
Ally leaned toward him and placed a kiss on his cheek. "I am sure Beth can help me find a hairstyle for my party that will not look too grown up for you," she conceded. "Goodnight, Dad."
"Goodnight, Ally," Nathan replied, getting to his feet as Ally shifted in the bed so she could lay down with her head on the pillow.
Turning out the lamp, Nathan slipped quietly from the room, pulling the door shut behind him. Going back downstairs, he found Elizabeth at her desk, writing in her journal. Trying not to disturb her, Nathan settled in the wingback chair, picking up the knife and piece of wood that he had been trying to turn into an owl before going upstairs to read with Ally.
The two worked in companionable silence - together but doing their own task. Though concentrating on his task, Nathan was aware of the sounds around him, including the soft scratching of the tip of the pen on the journal paper, pausing when Elizabeth stopped to think. He was aware of when she put away her journal and moved from the desk to the settee. Feeling her eyes on him, Nathan glanced up to find him peering at him, her novel unopen in her lap. He held his work in progress up for her to see it better. Only when Elizabeth had sat back and opened her novel, did he go back to his work.
The owl was becoming recognizable by the time Nathan heard quiet footsteps from upstairs. He paused, listening to the sound. They did not sound like Ally's all too familiar footsteps that he had heard for years.
"I think Jack is awake," Nathan commented, setting his work aside as he got to his feet. He grabbed the oil lamp on the stand beside him.
"I didn't hear anything," Elizabeth commented, though she had marked her place in the novel and closed it.
"Mountie hearing," Nathan commented, already heading for the steps. Maybe it was as something as simple as the boy needing the water closet but he planned on checking.
Nathan was aware of Elizabeth behind him as he ascended the steps. Reaching the second floor, the light from his lamp cast the hallway in a dim glow. There was no sign of the little boy. The first two doors, one either side of the hallway were to Ally's bedroom and the water closet. Ally's bedroom, which he had pulled shut, was now open. A quiet murmur of voices came from the room.
Stepping quietly to the doorway, Nathan peered in, holding the lamp so as to not cast too much light into the bedroom. In the dim light, Nathan could make out the profiles of Ally and Jack. His daughter was sitting up in bed while Jack stood at the edge of the bed.
"...Lucas is gone. He is no longer a threat to you or your Mama," Ally was telling the boy.
"But Daddy is gone too. Mama says Daddy is watching over us. That means Lucas could be watching too."
"He won't be. Your Daddy will make sure of that Jack," Ally told the boy.
Nathan felt himself smile with pride at his daughter's answer. He could not have addressed the little boy's concerns better himself.
"Good point," Jack replied. "Could I still stay with you for a little while Ally?"
"Sure," Ally said, scooting over and pulling back the blanket.
Jack climbed up into the bed. The two kids settled down in the bed and Nathan took a step away from the doorway. Turning, he found Elizabeth standing right behind him.
"I will get him a little later and put him in his own bed," Nathan said.
Elizabeth nodded, though Nathan noticed she looked trouble.
With the arm not holding the lamp, Nathan reached out and pulled Elizabeth toward him. Elizabeth moved willingly toward him.
"It will be all right, Beth," Nathan told her softly. "Jack seemed to have moved past the nightmares the first time. He will do so again. A few nights with him falling asleep with us or Ally is not going to hurt anything."
Nathan felt Elizabeth nod in agreement as she huddled against him though she did not say anything. Nathan held her silently, offering her comfort without judgement or the pressure of talking. Sometimes, just being there was the best thing you could do for someone.
She was tied spreadeagle to the bed. The feeling of being vulnerable was overwhelming but it wasn't just a feeling. She was vulnerable and Lucas was taken advantage of that vulnerability.
"Stop, please," she begged through the sobs.
There was no relief as Lucas continued his actions, satisfying his wants. A single finger came to trail gently down her cheek. The contrast to the man's other actions made what should have been a sweet gesture feel sinister. She tried to turn her head away, the only movement her bonds allowed for as a shiver went down her spine. She could feel what should be a pleasurable feeling start building, her body reacting to Lucas' actions despite the pain, and she hated herself for it. Even with her head turned so one cheek was against the mattress, one finger still stroked her cheek.
"This is your wifely duty, my Elizabeth," Lucas told her, his words coming in pants as his actions had him breathing hard.
Elizabeth wanted to protest. To tell him this wasn't right but the words did not come. This was what she had chosen.
The door banged open. "Leave her alone!"
The command was in Nathan's voice and Elizabeth felt a surge of relief. He had come to save her but no sooner than she had conjured the thought then Lucas was firing a pistol he suddenly had in his hands. There was a bang and then she watched as Nathan slumped to the ground, blood seeping into his shirt on his chest.
"Nnnnnnoooo!" she screamed, the word feeling like it would never stop coming out of her mouth.
Elizabeth bolted upright in her bed, her breaths short and quick. She looked around, her eyes searching for Nathan on the floor and Lucas in the room. Neither man was in sight. Nor was she in the house she had lived with Lucas in. She was in her new home with Nathan. That realization let some of the fear melt away as the images of her nightmare started to fade. A shiver went through her, and Elizabeth crossed her hands across her mid-section as if that would help.
As the realization of where she was sunk in, also did she realize that there was no soothing tenor assuring her that everything was okay. No gentled hand stroking her hair or back until he knew it was okay to gather her into his arms. Elizabeth looked to her left, wondering if Nathan had managed to sleep through this nightmare of hers, to find his side of the bed empty. Instinctively, she reached out a hand to touch the sheet where Nathan had been laying. There was only the slightest hint of warmth there, telling her that he had not been gone all that long.
"You chose me," Lucas' voice reminded her in her head. His voice was mocking and condescending. Lucas had always thought that Hope Valley and most of the people in it were below him. Much like her parents had once thought of Jack. But while her parents had changed their thinking, her father choosing to come to give her away to Jack, Lucas never had. She had been the only he thought worthy of him and then only as a trophy.
"I chose wrong," Elizabeth told the voice in her head. She said the words out loud in a whisper, needing not only to think them but hear them in her own ears as well. "I let fear win."
Though she was waiting for an answer to come in Lucas' voice, none came. Elizabeth gave a sigh of relief as she put her feet over the side of the bed. She was not falling asleep anytime soon so she might as well try to locate her husband. He could have just taken a trip to the water closet or perhaps he had been unable to sleep and had gone out to his shop.
Grabbing the light robe from the foot of the bed where she had draped it, Elizabeth slipped her arms into it as she padded barefoot across the smooth planks of the floor. There was something soothing about the way the sole of her foot glided effortlessly across the sanded and stained wood. As she stepped into the dark hallway, a low hum of a song reached her ears in the otherwise stillness of the night. Standing still, she listened for a direction. The sound was coming from her son's room across the hall.
Padding the last few steps to the door, she pushed the cracked door open further. The hum became a soft tenor. Pausing in the doorway, Elizabeth watched as Nathan rocked gently in the rocking chair, Jack Jr. cradled in his lap. The oil lamp on the boy's dresser cast father and son in a soft glow. The boy's eyes were closed as his head rested against Nathan's upper arm. There was a soft expression on Nathan's face as he looked down at Jack. Elizabeth stood quietly as she listened to Nathan finish the last few lines of his song.
"Do not hasten to bid me adieu.
Just remember the Red River Valley,
And the cowboy that has loved you so true."*
"You have a beautiful voice," Elizabeth said quietly causing Nathan to look up. Even in the dim light, Elizabeth could sense Nathan's eyes on her, reading her body language to gauge her emotions out of concern.
"Thank you," Nathan told her in an equally quiet voice, trying not to disturb the sleeping child he held. "Your face looks drawn. Are you all right?"
Despite her ruffled emotions from the lingering affects of the nightmare, Elizabeth felt a small smile come to her lips. While Lucas had taken her pregnancy as her just putting on weight, Nathan picked up the subtleness changes in her expression and demeanor. It made her feel cherished.
"I had a nightmare," Elizabeth admitted. "When I realized you were not beside me, I came looking for you. Did Jack call out and I didn't hear him?"
"No," Nathan told him. "He wasn't calling out but I could hear him tossing and turning in here so I came to check on him. He was awake. We talked. I will tell you more about that later. I asked him if he wanted me to read to him. He told me he just wanted to sit with me. So here we are. The singing just came naturally."
"Seems to have worked to relax Jack," Elizabeth said, her gaze moving from Nathan to the sleeping form of her child. Jack's features were relaxed with the peaceful innocence that all children should have but that some get robbed of far too soon.
"It did," Nathan said, his voice taking on the soft, wispy tone of disbelief. Letting her eyes drift up from Jack to Nathan, Elizabeth saw that disbelief of parenthood on Nathan's features. That look that parents get when they look at their child and realize what a miracle life really is.
Elizabeth could imagine Jack's face with that same expression on it, just as she had done numerous times since Jack junior was born. He would have enjoyed being a father, not only to Jack but to any other kids that had come along. Try as she might, she could not put that look onto a mental image of Lucas' face. She never had been able to. Not even when she had been carrying Lucas' child.
Feeling the sob bubble up, Elizabeth raised a hand to her mouth, trying to stifle it. The muffled sound seemed loud in the quiet night. She knew it would not go unnoticed by Nathan and yet she couldn't bring herself to look up. Not even when she heard him moving. Closing her eyes, Elizabeth tried to bring her emotions under control. To banish the guilt and just be happy that Jack finally had the father in his life that the boy deserved. That his birth father would have wanted him to have.
Even with her eyes closed, she was aware of her husband's movements. His slippered feet brushed across the floor. They were moving away from her and feeling a little more in control of her emotions, Elizabeth opened her eyes to watch as Nathan placed the sleeping child in the bed. He brought the light blanket up over Jack and then kissed the boy's forehead. When Nathan turned from the bed, she could see the concern for her in the light from the lamp.
Elizabeth wanted to rush toward him, the longing to feel his strong arms wrapped around her burning inside of her. Yet, her feet did not want to obey. Not that it mattered. Nathan was in full control of his body and he closed the distance. Wrapping one arm around her waist, Nathan wordlessly tucked her close to his side. Elizabeth leaned into his strength, willing it to seep into her and fortify her.
Nathan guided her toward the dresser, where he picked the lamp up. He then led her from Jack's room and across the hall.
"Let's get your slippers and then we can go downstairs so I can make you some chamomile tea," Nathan told her. "Hopefully between it and a chat with your husband, you will feel tired enough to go back to sleep afterwards."
"I don't want to keep you up," Elizabeth protested as he led her into their room. That thought made her pause. When had she finally started making that change in her thinking. When had the room stopped being Nathan's and become theirs? She wasn't sure and now was not the time to stop and analyze it. "I can make my own tea."
The kiss he placed on her hair was feather light, yet it made her heart pound. She was sure he could hear it.
"Of course you can but isn't it more comforting to have someone doing it for you out of love."
Elizabeth had no argument for that. In fact, she had to admit he was right. As nice as chamomile tea sounded, going downstairs by herself did not sound as nice as having Nathan at her side.
Having reached the bed, Nathan let her go so she could sit down and put her slippers on. The first thing Elizabeth noticed was the absence of Nathan's arm around her and the feel of his strong body next to her. She craved that feeling again though she tried to push that feeling away so that she could focus on the task at hand. However, simply putting on the slippers seemed to require more concentration than normal. Once she did, she got to her feet. Nathan's arm was quickly looped back around her waist.
Nestled against Nathan's side, Elizabeth let herself be led downstairs and to the kitchen. In the kitchen, Nathan seated her on one of the stools at the counter and then went about putting water on for the tea. Elizabeth found herself watching him, once again acknowledging how nice it was to have someone serving her instead of her always serving them.
Deciding that she did not want Nathan turning from her task to simply find her staring at him, Elizabeth spoke up. "So what was it that was making Jack restless?" she asked, going back to the topic that Nathan had said they would talk about later. Elizabeth found that she would rather talk about her son's issues than even think about the nightmare that had woken her up. "Was it related to what we heard him say to Ally?'
"I think so," Nathan told her as he went about his task. "When I asked him why he was awake, Jack told me that he woke up and thought he kept seeing eyes in the dark watching him. Jack wasn't sure if they were his Daddy's or Lucas'."
"Maybe telling Jack about Lucas' death was the wrong thing," Elizabeth lamented, second guessing her action. She found there were a lot of choices these last few years that she could second guess.
"I don't think it is in the long run," Nathan commented. "Yes, it is stirring up some emotions but Jack is not dealing with them alone," he told her as he filled the tea pot with water. He continued to talk as he moved to the stove with the teapot. "If we had not said anything and Jack found out further down the road from another source, he might feel like he did not have us to turn because we hid the information from him. Even if he is too young to fully comprehend that, the emotions would still be there."
"So what did you tell him about the eyes?" Elizabeth asked.
Turning from the stove, Nathan walked toward her. Sitting on the second stool, Nathan placed his arm across her shoulders. "I went along with what Ally started. I told him that his Daddy would not let Lucas come watch him so if he was seeing eyes, then they had to be his Daddy's eyes."
Elizabeth smiled. "I hope that explanation helps to soothe his fears away."
"Somehow, I don't think soothing your fears away is going to be so easy," Nathan mused out loud.
"I am not even sure what I have to be afraid of," Elizabeth replied. "I was the one hurting people these last few years while the only man who ever hurt me is now gone. I have a safe home and a husband who always has his family's best interests at heart. I should feel grateful and I do."
"But all of that does not control where your mind goes when you are asleep."
"No, it doesn't," Elizabeth agreed.
"Sharing the nightmare with me might help it lose its hold on you. After years of my nightmare plaguing me in some form, sharing it with you seems to have finally kept it from coming back. Let me do the same for you."
Elizabeth only hesitated for a moment before she began telling Nathan about the nightmare. There in the kitchen, with the weight of Nathan's arm comfortably around her shoulders, the images did not seem so troubling. Besides, Nathan was beside her, very much alive, telling her that the ending of the nightmare was not true even if the rest of it was conjured from memories.
With the hand not around her shoulders, Nathan stroked her hair. "He cannot hurt you any longer, Beth. As for me, I am perfectly fine. I am no longer a Mountie, so the chances of me getting shot have drastically dropped. Though I do still need to be careful around the saws."
"Are you trying to give me something else to worry about?" Elizabeth asked lightly.
"Life gives us plenty to worry about all by itself," Nathan countered. "The best thing we can do, is to share those worries so they do not weigh us down. Share them with our friends and family and with God."
Elizabeth did not want to ruin the moment with words though she accepted the truth of them. The lighter feeling that she had now, then when she went in search of Nathan a short time ago, was proof of that truth. Instead she just sat quietly, with Nathan's love and strength surrounding her until the tea pot whistled for attention.
As she watched Nathan get two cups of tea, Elizabeth hoped for his sake that these early morning 'tea parties' did not become a norm. Her husband deserved a night of uninterrupted sleep though she knew he would never complain about being up with any of them during the night. Nathan had always put those he served and those he loved above himself. Retiring from the Mounties had not changed that.
As Nathan placed a tea cup in front of her, the smell of chamomile wafting up with the steam, Elizabeth knew that this man deserved someone to place him above themselves as well. She planned on becoming that person. Not because it was her duty as his wife, but because Nathan meant just as much to her as her son and Ally did. It was what you did for those you considered family.
*Lyrics from the "Red River Valley." The song's origins are uncertain, written c. 1890 and is known under other names. Folklorist Edith Fowke shows anecdotal evidence that the song was known in at least five Canadian provinces by 1896. It has been recorded by many artists over the years.