I'm Just a Human Kid Part II

Liam was nibbling on his peanut butter sandwich, glad he hadn't chosen cheese. If you had peanut butter at school, you had to store and eat it in a special room off the cafeteria because some of the students had allergies. But here at the district he didn't have to worry about that. He had some baby carrots in a bag, a warm juice box and two homemade chocolate chip cookies that Ellie had made last night. His dad hadn't been home before he went to bed the entire week and Liam hated that. He didn't know if they were working on a case, all huddled around in the safety of the office and each other or if Jay was undercover pretending to be Ryan, an alter ego who sold drugs, bought drugs and did the same with guns or whatever the case at the time demanded. Every night he went home to a babysitter he feared that he would never see his dad again.

He never told his father that he talked to his mother every night before he went to sleep. His memory of her face was fading but he remembered her telling him as she said goodbye, that they could talk to each other whenever they wanted, that the air would carry their love and words to each other. And though they may not be able to hear the actual words, they would be able to feel what was behind them. She was crying when she said it, her eyes glistening with pools of emotion. She had reached out and caressed his face and told him that she loved him more than anything. Then she turned and left. He had been so little back then and believed she would be back before he got used to her being gone. He had been wrong. So very wrong.

Now his dad was pissed. He could see his face hold the anger tightly in place. Liam wasn't sure if it was because his mom left that his dad couldn't bear anyone else to leave him or it was because he was really scared that something had happened to him. He really didn't think it was a big deal to go on an adventure for a day. An adventure all his own. But then he found Vaughn and got caught and found out every police officer in the city had been looking for him. He still wasn't sure why or how they knew. But they did know, and now his dad knew, and that all pointed to the fact that he was going to be in big trouble.

He wasn't scared of his dad. Jay had never given him reason to be. Sure he would yell, and his face would hold a ferocity that could send a shiver down ones spine. And there was never any doubt when the man meant business, but he had only been spanked once, and even that hadn't been a big deal, although it had been initiated from the fear that Liam was lost, and well, here they were again. Even though he wasn't lost, well not really lost. He had kept the L in sight, straying only a few blocks away from the rail so he could find his way back. He had just needed something for himself. He was always with an adult and that's just how childhood was, but he was getting older and wanted to be a part of something bigger all by himself and maybe today, despite the repercussions to come, he had been.

"Am I in trouble?" Liam asked as Jay sat down at his desk.

"I think you know the answer to that question already." Jay replied.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean for you to be worried."

"You just figured you'd go out on this quest and get back to school in time for the after-school program?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"You didn't think that they would notice you weren't there all day?" Liam chewed on his lips as he set his sandwich down. "Because they noticed pretty quickly and you know what they did when they saw you weren't there?" Liam shook his head. "They called me. They called me by 8:30 and since then we've been all over the city looking for you."

"Oh. Sorry." Liam whispered.

"Everyone in this room had their life turned upside down because you had a brilliant plan to go in search of something on the South Side. In fact you owe everyone in here an apology," Jay finished as he looked at his son. "Finish your lunch and make sure you do it," he said as he sat back in his chair, seemingly exhausted.

Liam finished his lunch, eating it as slowly as possible in hopes that a plane might crash into the building and relieve him of the first part of his punishment. But it didn't, and since he was out of food and drink he had no excuse not to make his rounds of contrition. Everyone was gracious and understanding as most had pulled something similar in their youth.

He knocked quietly on the door frame to Voight's office. "Come on in kiddo," he said putting his papers down.

"I have to apologize to everyone about today. So, I'm sorry."

"Well you should be. We spent half our day focusing on finding you and not on our jobs. That's kind of a big deal. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah."

"Yes sir," Hank reminded.

"Yes sir. I didn't mean for it to be like that."

"We don't mean for something to happen but our actions and their consequences aren't black and white."

"My dad is pretty mad. He has that look on his face. Like it's all pinched up." Voight tried not to smile. Halstead wasn't one who wore a constant smile, but when trouble went down, his mouth became a flat line, the lines between his eyebrows deepened. Voight had spent all day with that face.

"I know the look, and he deserves to wear it. He was terrified. I was terrified. Do you understand that we didn't know that you were okay? That we see a lot of bad things and know that they happen every day. And they happen to kids just like you. In fact you witnessed that close up with the boy you helped. That could have been you."

"I know."

"Is this going to happen again."

"No. No sir. I swear."

"Okay then. Here, I have a job for you. Take these papers," Hank said handing the boy over a hundred pieces of paper stacked in a pile. "These are what we have named the call sheets. See this time and date at the top?" He asked as Liam looked an nodded. "I want you to put the most recent ones at the front, and go back from there so that the last one is the one from the longest time ago. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Liam said taking the sheets into the main office with him.

Adam had been at the door watching. "Don't we just throw those out?"

"Yep."

"So he is literally just shuffling papers?"

"Yep."

"Genius." Adam said smiling.

Liam had taken his project to a small work table against the wall. He tried to keep his focus on what was in front of him but he found himself sneaking glances at his father, who was at his desk, attempting to concentrate on his own work while sneaking glimpses at Liam. Jay looked at the papers in front of him and the statistics on the computer screen but only thought of all the things that could have happened to his son during his little escapade. The hardest part of being a single parent was having nobody to talk to about consequences or disciplinary tactics.

He really wished his mother was still alive. She was so excited when she found out she was a grandmother, but had such little time to enjoy it. She would have been a great wealth of helpful information and guidance. But he was all alone in this. Will was a decent sounding board, but had no specific experience and was honest enough to admit it. Their tiny little family did the best it could, but sometimes it felt adrift.

"I finished," Liam said shaking Jay from his thoughts. "The papers Sarge gave me to do—I finished."

"Okay. Give them to him and then come back to me unless he has another job for you."

"Okay. Um, I mean yes sir."

Jay gave a weak smile as he watched his son slowly walk to Voight's office. Sometimes the kid reminded him so much of himself at that age. Finding at times there was a hesitancy while taking the world on, while other times the world just didn't seem big enough.

"I'm done Sarge," Liam said as he peeked around the door to Voight's office.

"Bring them here," he asked as he reached out for the stack of papers. He flipped through several looking to see if the boy had done what he had asked and after seeing enough of a sample that he was certain his orders were followed he dumped the entire pile into the trash can.

"What'd you do that for?" Liam asked, his eyes big and mouth open.

"Because I don't need them anymore."

"Then why did I sort them? If there was no reason, why did you make me do it?"

"There was a reason. Can you tell me what it might be?" Hank asked as he sat back in his chair.

Liam stood mute for a moment trying to process that the job he had taken over an hour in accomplishing was now sitting, fanned out and jumbled in the bottom of a plastic can. He knew having a fit would get him nowhere, Sarge wouldn't put up with that and it wouldn't make his dad look good. And he didn't think his dad could take anymore crap today. So, he stood and thought until something that made sense came to him.

"Because you told me to?"

"Exactly—it is important to do what you're told. It can be the most important job. Just think if these guys didn't follow orders—do you think we'd get anything done? Do you think we'd get the bad guys?"

"Probably not."

"Probably not, is right. We all have a job to do and your job is to go to school, follow the rules and listen to your father. Can you do that?"

"Sure I can, but I'm just not sure I will—at least not all the time." Voight's eyebrows raised up. "I'm just being honest. I'm going to try, I really am, but I'm just a human kid."

"Yes you are just a human kid. And being honest is a very important thing to be. But I want you to try really hard to what you're supposed to."

"Okay," Liam sighed.

"Why don't you go see if your dad has any work or anyone else in the office."

"Okay," Liam repeated.

By the time they left that night Liam had dusted the entire office, helped Sargent Platt by emptying a bunch of folders and recycling them, filling up all the staplers and writing out I will not skip school until it filled up an entire sheet of paper.

As they pulled up to a nearby Chinese restaurant Liam looked over at his dad. "Why are we here?"

"I thought we could get some dinner and take to Uncle Will at the hospital. What do you think?"

"I think that's a great idea." Liam agreed.

It had been rough day and once they got home it would probably become bumpy once again, but right now Jay needed a break and Liam needed a distraction. So they went in and ordered, Jay marveling at his son's choice.

"You really prefer tofu to chicken or beef?"

"Yeah. It just tastes like the veggies and soy sauce."

"Your choice, I guess."

"It reminds me of mom," Liam said so quietly that Jay nearly missed it. He wanted to say something but had no idea what so he kept quiet.

They tracked Will down at the hospital and he was able to take his dinner break. Jay had called before leaving the district to ensure they had a good chance of the timing would match up. They went to the doctors lounge where there was some privacy and they wouldn't get dirty looks from the cafeteria staff for bringing in outside food.

"So you were out traipsing in the old neighborhood," Will said as he chewed his lo mein.

"What's traipsing?" Liam asked as he stabbed a piece of broccoli.

"Wandering, strolling. What did you see?"

"Not much. Houses, some seemed kind of tired and old."

"Just like you're making your father," Will teased. Liam was tired of apologizing so he just kept eating. "I took care of a boy today who said you saved him."

"Vaughn is here?" Liam asked.

"Yes he is. Your dad thought you might want to say hi."

Liam looked over at Jay and gave a tight smile. "I'd like that. Is he okay?"

"He will be. We're keeping him overnight for observation. He suffered a concussion, some bruising and severe ankle sprain. But he'll recover. His parents were very relieved and they all thought it was pretty cool that his savior and his doctor were related."

"Yeah, small world," Jay commented as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Finish up and we'll go see him. But just for a few minutes. We need to get home."

As Will and Jay stood outside Vaughn's hospital room they watched Liam talk to his new acquaintance like they had been friends forever. Liam's pale exterior nearly the polar opposite of Vaughn's darker tone. His parents a mix of shades, Liam fascinated with the mother, Yvonne's braids and the beads they held. They both hugged him and expressed their gratitude of his bravery, which Liam humbly stated was no big deal. Before coming up to the room, they had stopped and bought a jigsaw puzzle of the Chicago skyline to give the boy something to do after his parents left for the night.

"I think he likes the puzzle," Will said as he looked in. "You doing okay? You look exhausted."

"I am. I suck at this."

"Suck at what?"

"Parenthood."

"We are not going to have this conversation again. Raising kids is tough. We barely made it and we had two parents."

"Did we? Have two parents. It didn't often feel that way."

"Jay." Will sighed. Neither he nor his brother had an especially great relationship with their father. But in retrospect Will felt their dad had tried his best, it was just that his best didn't often hit the target.

"So much could have happened to him today." Jay said.

"But it didn't and he really helped that little boy in there."

"Yeah. I'm glad he did. But part of me is afraid that he thinks it was what he was meant for—his duty for the day. And it might feed even more adventures."

"He still uses Bridget's catch phrase?"

"Yeah," Jay said, not quite ready to share his latest news concerning his ex. "It's just that I feel like I'm 5120 George more than I'm Jay or Dad," he said speaking of his radio handle. "I hate that feeling, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm a cop, I was a soldier, now I'm a cop and that's what fits me. I just can't imagine doing anything else. Most people do a job, but you're a doctor and I'm a cop, it's who we are."

"It's what we were meant for." Will said with a slight smile. "And you're a dad."

"Yeah. That's the struggle. It's hard being both, having time for both."

"He's proud of you." Will said nodding in Liam's direction. "He says your job is getting the bad guys and that you're really good at it. That you protect the city. Even when you're gone a lot, he'll say it takes time to get them all because there are so many, but you will keep working at it.

"I think he checks the online newspapers and news feeds, though he wouldn't admit to it." Will said as he looked at his nephew.

"Remember when we cleaned out dad's apartment and I found those articles I never knew he had?"

"Sure do. He was proud of you too."

"I brought them home and then I couldn't find them. One day when I was going through some of Liam's stuff that he had outgrown, I found them in one of his big picture books."

"See. He may fuss when you're working late, but he's proud of what you do. Life is messy, difficult, frustrating, horrifying, joyous, and a million other adjectives, but you are lucky enough to share it with someone who loves you more than anything."

The ride home was quiet especially after Liam dozed off, his long day catching up with him. While they were stopped at a red light, Jay looked over at his son, the streetlight offering up a halo around the face that mirrored his own. He worried about the past, the present and the future. But he was doing his best and he hoped that together the two of them could face and overcome anything that was in their path. But he also knew it wouldn't be easy.

Once they were home Liam dumped his backpack by the door and tossed his sweatshirt on top of it. "I don't think so kiddo. Take your stuff to your room and put it where it belongs and then come back out here." Jay instructed.

Liam sighed, but did as he was told, coming back into the room a moment later. "Did you put your sweatshirt away?"

"Sure," Liam lied. But Jay let it go. There were bigger things to talk about. "Are we going to talk about my punishment?" He asked.

"You bet we are. Come over here and sit with me." He said patting the couch, trying to convince himself that he had to be a father and not a friend. "What you did today was pretty serious. Do you understand that?"

"But I was fine and I helped Vaughn," Liam argued.

"Yes you were and yes you did. But what happened to Vaughn could have easily happened to you. You didn't know the neighborhood or anyone in it. I had no idea where you were. What if you had gotten hurt or your phone stolen." Liam just shrugged. "Put yourself in my shoes. I get a call saying you aren't where you're supposed to be and nobody knows where you went. You're phone is off, I have no idea that you voluntarily turned it off due to your battery, which by the way is a huge indiscretion. You know the rules about your phone."

"Yeah. I'm supposed to have fully or almost fully charged every morning."

"How come it wasn't?"

"I forgot."

"I think it's because you were playing games on it all evening and never got it charged. Am I right?"

"Maybe." Liam admitted. "Are you mad at me?"

"I'm disappointed in your choices last night and most certainly today. I am proud that you helped that boy, but you had no idea what you were getting into. You could have walked right into a trap, do you understand that?"

"I guess."

"You should have called 911 before going down into the basement alone. If it was a false alarm, it would have been an honest mistake not an abuse of the system." Jay said as his mind returned that day where he pulled a dead ten year old boy from a trunk, a boy who had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, just like his son could have been. This was a memory that would never leave him and affect him always.

"Okay. What's my punishment?" Liam asked breaking up Jay's thoughts.

"First, I was informed by the school that you have detention Friday and Monday after school. At home you're grounded for two weeks. No TV, no tablet, no laptop except for homework, no phone once your home and no friends over or going to their houses."

"Two weeks?!" Liam gasped. "That's forever."

"You should have thought about that before you took off this morning. I'm not taking this lightly. Plus you will have extra chores as well."

"But Tyler's sleepover is tomorrow night. I have to go."

Jay blew out a mouthful of air. Tyler lived two blocks away and was in Liam's class at school. His birthday had actually been two months ago and his mother had planned a sleepover party. But Tyler had been diagnosed with Leukemia last year and hadn't been doing well lately. He had spent his birthday in the hospital, canceling his party. But he had been feeling better and the party was scheduled from Friday evening until Saturday at noon. They had spent a lot of time searching for the perfect gift and found a building kit that was great for the budding architect that Tyler hoped to become if he lived that long. The boy would be heartbroken if Liam didn't come.

"Okay. I'll let you go, but this is for Tyler not for you. You'll owe me either an extra day or extra chore."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I think you're getting off easy."

"Easy? No way, this sucks!"

"It's supposed to son. Don't you remember that talk we had when you hid from Adam? When you hid from me at the zoo? How adults have to know where you are? When you skipped school, I had no idea where you were or if you were okay. We agreed that it couldn't happen again, and then you took off today for several hours, and it was completely unacceptable."

Jay thought back to when he was just a little bit older than Liam and had skipped his afternoon classes. He probably would have gotten away with it as far as his parents were concerned, but he made two fatal errors. First, he had forgotten about a doctors appointment that afternoon, and second, he had gotten home after dark. His mother had been fretting all afternoon and evening about his absence. He was supposed to meet her after school and go to the appointment, but he failed to show up, both frustrating and terrifying her. Her anger and anxiety trading off and on until his father came home from work and absorbed her emotions and turned them into his own brand of trepidation.

Once Jay had gotten home after a rebellious fun-filled, preteen day, believing he and his friends held the world in their hands, he was quickly reminded that he held nothing, not even his own fate in his hands. He walked into the house and was met with a look of relief and a hug from his mother and a look of sympathy and dread from his brother. He could hear his father yell and lumber his direction all the way from the kitchen and he knew his fun times had ended. He was met with a barrage of indignity and promises of retribution for putting them through a very difficult evening. Then the retribution came.

"Dad. Dad," Liam said interrupting his thoughts. "So I can go?"

"Yes. But like I said, it's for Tyler not you. I'll be picking you up at ten instead of noon and your grounding will start then."

"Fine," Liam huffed, crossing in arms in an attempt at defiance and disgust.

Jay sat still as Liam kicked at the coffee table. Voight was right, Liam deserved to know the truth about his mother. He had planned on waiting a little bit longer as he wanted to check out the one small lead he had, but if he didn't talk about it now, he may never get up the courage again.

"Liam, I have to talk to you about something."

"About skipping school?"

"No. Something about your mother."

The boy sat up straight and looked at Jay, his blue eyes wide and hopeful. "Is she back? Is she coming home? I can't wait to tell her I've read Charlotte's Web a bunch of times all by myself and I did my book report on it."

Jay did his best to smile, but it fell short of anything approaching joy. "No. I'm afraid not."

"How come? Why not?" The disappointment had quickly filled the place that had just held hope and happiness.

He had done his fair share of death notifications and hated each and every one of them. You were telling someone the very worst news that they could ever hear. Their lives would forever be changed by the words that were about to come from your mouth. You would then walk away, return to your life and leave them forever broken. But now there would be no walking away. He would be as deeply immersed in this proclamation as his son and his heart was already splitting in two.

"A friend of hers tracked me down a couple of days ago and we had a talk. He told me that your mom—he said that she had died. There was an accident and she didn't make it."

Liam stayed silent, his gaze frozen and locked on Jay's face. It felt like everything had slowed down as if they were in a cartoon, where the character was running over empty space but not yet falling.

"How?" Liam finally asked.

"A building that she was in collapsed." Jay said, leaving out the explosion.

"In Chicago?"

"No. Ireland. She had gone back there to take care of some things and they took longer than she thought and then—then it happened."

"When?" Liam asked with no emotion in his voice.

"I'm not sure. But that's why she hasn't come back to you. Because she can't."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I don't know. I can't tell you how or what to feel. Just know that I'm here if you want to talk about it. And I'm really sorry."

"Sorry for me but not for you? You never cared about her did you?"

"That's not true. I did care for her," Jay said. He thought back to his conversation with Voight earlier that day and admitted that the man was right, he did care for her than he had ever conceded. He pushed the memory of his feelings away, because it was just easier to deal with.

Liam jumped up and banged against the coffee table, sending the matchbox cars that he had assembled there the previous night after an epic police chase, crashing to the floor. "No you didn't love her, you hated her and you hate me because I came from her and I hate you. I hate you!" The boy screamed as he ran to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Jay stood up, his emotions tight and twisted, like a sheet that had been caught in the wind, tangled and unable to shed its wrinkles. He didn't know what to do or say. Should he check on Liam or would it be better to leave him alone. His muscles were already aching as his sorrow gripped his entire being. He breathed quickly through his nose as if trying to prepare himself for an adrenaline rush. He mashed his lips together as the tears formed at the corners of his eyes. Liam was ten years old and may not want his father, but he needed him, so Jay took a step towards the boys bedroom door when it opened and his son rushed out of it and into his arms.

Jay lifted up his sobbing son and held onto him tightly apologizing for the way life had treated him and soothing him that it would eventually be okay. After a few minutes Jay, still holding Liam sat down on the couch. "I don't hate you." He sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay. I know you don't." Jay said.

"But you have to promise me something," Liam managed to say through his tears.

"What's that?" Jay asked, fighting his own feelings.

"You can't leave me. You can't die and leave me, ever." Liam said falling back into sobs.

Jay had no answer so he just hugged him even tighter.

Soundtrack:

Scratch the surface by Forest Veil as Jay and Liam sit on the couch to discuss Bridget.

A/N~I hope you are doing okay out there during this difficult time. My mind has been a bit distracted as of late with everything going on. I do live in Illinois and we are an hour from being under a shelter in place order. My job is considered essential at this time, so I'll have that to look forward to...who would have ever thought that?LOL. But sincerely, be careful and stay well my friends.