Love Hurts

Jay had gotten to the after-school pick-up well before the cutoff time and took Liam home for a snack and to pack his overnight bag. He debated about asking how he was doing, but the boy looked fine. It was clear he was focusing on his evening ahead, but Jay knew the loss would catch up with him. The words spoken and the tears lost the night before would hit home and it would be messy. Jay knew his own struggle when he lost his mother as an adult and couldn't imagine the loss his son was feeling right now.

Despite his son pulling away in his rush to get inside to the party that night, Jay hugged him just a little bit tighter, moisture rising up to his eyes and attempting to take hold. But he blinked them away and told his rapidly disappearing son he would see him tomorrow morning. Now he was walking down the hall on the softest, most plush carpeting he had ever had the pleasure of putting his feet on. He had no idea why he was here or why the adult Liam was still in Chicago. He had told the tale he was sent to deliver, what could possibly be keeping him in town. Jay had followed the license plate number to the rental car company and using his badge got the local information for its occupant. He should just turn and walk away, but he couldn't, not just yet. He had finally realized what had been bothering him from his conversation with Liam James and he couldn't let it go.

As he knocked on the door to room 1119 he wondered how the man could afford such luxury. A room like this would easily be up to three hundred dollars a night. Set in the heart of the Loop, near the L station, but not too close. It was near the river and walking distance to so many sights, it demanded and got top dollar. He had been running the questions through his head all day, but when the door opened he forgot everything for the last person he ever expected to be behind that door opened it wide and invited him inside.

His eyes blinked back the betrayal in front of him. He was speechless and so focused that a herd of elephants could have trampled through the room and he wouldn't have reacted or noticed.

"Hi Jay, how are you?" She asked as she stepped back to allow him inside the room.

He just stood there, like an awkward teenage boy asking a girl on a first date. He finally licked his lips and found his voice. "I thought—I thought—"

"You thought I was dead?"

"Yes. I told Liam last night. We both cried for you." He said as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"Is he here?" She asked looking towards the door as if Jay had just left their son in the hallway.

"No. I dropped him off at a sleepover before I came. Tell me why. Why the lies?" Jay asked, his face twisted in anguish and confusion.

"I had to leave and I didn't want Liam to think that I abandoned him."

"But you did—you did abandon him. How could you do that to him? To me?"

"I didn't want to, I had to. I was going to put you in danger. Everything my brother told you was true. My father wouldn't stop looking until he found me. I was afraid he was getting too close, I couldn't risk Liam or you getting hurt or worse.

"How did you find me?" She asked suddenly realizing that she had indeed been found.

"I'm a detective, it's what I do."

"Of course," she nodded. "Nice place huh? Found my dad's secret stash before I killed him. What made you want to speak with Liam again?" She asked, tilting her head to one side as if this was a normal conversation. But then she wrapped her arms around her body as if she was cold.

"I kept going over our conversation, what he told me, and I realized not once did he ever say the words that you were dead. I knew it might be nothing—but then again. It looks like my instinct that something wasn't right—was right."

"I hated to lie, but it would provide closure to you, to Liam. You both deserved that much."

"He deserves more than that, more than just me."

"I'm sure you're an amazing father." Jay looked uncertain as he gazed at the mother of his child, a woman he had once loved in some capacity.

"It took me over six months to come and meet him, see you again. What kind of amazing father does that?" He said emphasizing the word amazing. "I put myself first, running all over town, being selfish, catering only to my needs. Drinking, partying, screwing. My son was less important than that for half a year."

"Yes, you had a great many demons, war will do that. You may still, but you battle them with such a big heart, a heart that loves with an enormous strength."

"How do you know? How do have any idea of who I am?"

"Because we were nothing but intimate when we were together and being intimate is much more than just sex. I saw beyond your surface. You let your guard down, allowed me in. I know who you are Jay Halstead."

"It's great that you want to believe that I have goodness in me. But I've caused so much of your pain, your loss."

"How do you figure that?"

"Your pain at having a child only to lose him is my fault. The last day we were together—" he paused looking at the wall, gathering the courage to tell her the secret he had held for over ten years, "there were no more condoms, I ran out, but I didn't say anything. I'm so sorry, I had no right." Jay said, his voice catching in his throat, his voice slipping into silence. He had kept the secret locked up tight until it slipped out a couple of days ago when he mentioned it to Voight. Now he had finally told the person who deserved to hear it.

Emma nodded, whether it was because she already knew or because it made no difference. She softened her face, and gently caressed his cheek. "You gave me my greatest gift. A miracle. When he was born, I was nearly at the end of my labor, the monitors started to beep wildly—he wasn't getting enough oxygen. He needed to get out of me immediately. I pushed so hard, while they pulled so hard. He had to get out of me." She repeated, lost in the memory. "Then there he was, but he didn't cry. I looked to see the doctor unwrap the cord that was wrapped around his neck twice. They whisked him away to the corner of the room, whispering madly as our son still did not cry. All I could think of was that couldn't be happening. It was so quiet, a quiet I have never heard since that day. Then he cried, the most beautiful sound in the world. He was meant to be here Jay. He was simply meant to be here. But unfortunately, I wasn't. But I always knew you were."

"How could you know that?"

"We all have instincts. You have good ones, as do I. The minute I saw you, I knew you held something within you that was good and would always be good. I entrusted you with my everything." Jay looked over, his face unreadable. "I knew he was yours, he was always yours. There was never a doubt." Jay nodded with uncertainty. "You were the only man I had ever been with."

Jay opened his mouth to say something to this revelation, but realized he had no reply, not one that was worthy. He looked back at her and then sat down on the edge of the bed.

"It may have taken you months to meet him after you returned from Afghanistan, but once you did—" she said, now her voice losing traction. "I knew when I saw your eyes, your face, as you held him for the first time, it would be fine."

"You did?" Jay asked looking up at her. "How?"

"Because I wore the very same look the first time I held him."

Jay swallowed, sitting farther back on the bed. "How could you be so sure I'd come back to Chicago?"

"This was your home, you're third generation Chicago. And Liam was your son. Deep down you never questioned that. And I knew you wouldn't abandon him."

"I only did the DNA test because my father insisted. I did it to make him happy. But I could never seem to ever make him happy no matter what I did. But you're right, I knew, I always knew."

"I agonized over the decision for months, but I knew I had to leave. You were bonded, Liam constantly asked me if it was Daddy day or Daddy weekend. He would insist on calling you every night to say goodnight, even if you couldn't answer."

Jay smiled at the memory. "Yeah, his tiny voice saying hello, telling me about his day, his words running together as if he didn't get them out fast enough they would disappear. If I couldn't answer, he would leave messages about whatever he could think of. But he would always end it with goodnight and he would say," Jay smiled at words still alive in his head, "'I love my daddy. Night, night.' And he would smack his lips together for a kiss."

"Imagine leaving that. The one joy of my life and I had to walk away from it. But knowing that you would take the very best care of him, allowed me to take the hardest step of my life. I was able to give him something that I never had."

"What was that?"

"A decent father, a small but loving family. Something I never had. I went back to Dublin in hopes of appeasing my father, to make him believe my expedition into the world was nothing but a silly folly. I wanted to keep him in the present, forget my absence had ever happened.

"I tried to live the life he wanted of me, for if I did, he would never know that I had left behind any trace of a life. But I couldn't do it. I immersed myself enough to gain his trust but stayed on the fringes when I could. I lied, I acted the part, but I think somewhere, deep down he knew it was a farce. He knew all about fraud. But I had still gotten enough trust that he followed me when I needed him to. I had always thought it's not a war if you never agree to play. I had never wanted to play, but he just wouldn't let go."

"What happened? The day he died?" Jay asked.

"I told him I had found a contact that he needed to talk to. Lured him into a building I had rigged with explosives—Liam had helped, between the two of us we knew enough. I had planned to die that day, I really had. I had explained to Liam that I wanted him to track you down and tell you everything."

"That you were dead."

"Yeah. But that part of the plan didn't go as expected."

"Did you want it to?" Jay asked as he cleared his throat.

"No and yes. I couldn't have what I wanted, what I had left behind. Even if I came back, you didn't deserve the disruption. I couldn't live my life looking over my shoulder, worry a constant in my life. Secrets so big that I would be worn down until I could no longer carry them. So, I had accepted my death."

"But."

"But I happened to be knocked under a pillar that had fallen over me. It kept the debris off. Liam found me. Got me out. I left the country by boat that night. Met up with him in Australia six months later."

"And your sure your father died?"

"Yes. His skull was crushed. I saw him, Liam saw him. He hasn't appeared. His funeral was held. His brothers are going after the scraps that he left behind, jockeying for power and position. There is no way he would have ever allowed that to happen had he lived."

"And what did they think happened to you?"

"Liam told them he had found my body and pushed it off the cliff and into the ocean that was near the building. He said it was out of rage and frustration. That I didn't deserve a proper funeral or burial for what I had done. All my uncle's cared about was that I was no longer there to demand a piece of the pie."

"But you are still afraid of being found? You're certain you can't stay?"

"It just takes one mistake, one wrong look in the right direction. I can't risk that. If anything happened to you or Liam—my soul couldn't bear it. I come back, get lax, everything I love is taken from me." She said, her accent, lulling Jay into nearly a hypnotic state. He recalled that night so many years ago when she caught his eye at a party. He had just gotten home on leave and wanted to relax but for him that meant getting drunk and wound up. She had been invited by a classmate who happened to be a friend of the host. Her face had a freshly scrubbed appearance that had been something wonderful for him after his weeks of training in the mud and muck. Her eyes bright, her hair thick and beautiful. But once she opened her mouth, once he heard her accent, her words, it was if she had forever entrapped him into her desires.

"Maybe one day," Jay said, uncertain if he was asking or it was just a wish he had said aloud.

She put her finger on his lips and then leaned in and replaced her finger with her own lips, her tongue probed, found its path and searched for more. She pushed him back down onto the bed, straddled him and began to pull at his belt.

Jay pushed her away and sat up. "No. I can't. I can't do this again. Those nights you would have me stay only to push me away the next morning."

"I'm so sorry. I was an addict and just needed a taste, but once I had it, I realized I couldn't, because once I started, I would only want more. And it wasn't fair—not to me, but most of all not to you. And here I am doing it again. I wanted the family, the white picket fence, the husband and child. Or the apartment, city streets, and a husband who was a police detective." Jay just sat there, digesting what she had said. "I just want to sleep, until everything goes away. My past, my present. My family in Ireland. My decisions. I waged war on everything and I lost everything, but you won't lose, I won't let you."

"But we did lose, we lost you. A father is supposed to protect his child from everything, but I couldn't protect him from this."

"And neither could I. This wasn't for you to battle. This war was mine." She said as she shifted her weight and sat next to him. "This is on me. My choices, my selfishness."

"No. I was a willing participant and bear some responsibility. A lot, actually. My slip, my error in judgment led

to his conception."

"And thank God it did. It was—"

"What I was meant for," Jay finished.

"What we were meant for."

"Are we safe?"

"Yes. I will always be watching, from afar mind you. But I didn't exile myself, kill my father and give up everything, to let anything happen to you. Don't let Liam know I'm alive. Let him continue to believe I'm dead, it's the greatest gift I can give to him."

"Your sacrifices were your biggest gift."

"Maybe so, but he doesn't need to know what those were. Just love him as much as you can. Raise him to be the man that you are."

"Hopefully I do better than that."

"I have faith that you will do right by him. In fact I have no doubt.

"I can run but can't escape, not totally, but my running can allow you to escape. It's the least that I can do. It's what I have to do in order to be right with the world." Jay nodded, understanding their roles. "Does he still look like you?"

Jay cleared his throat and blinked. "He looks like both of us. His hair is still blond with auburn highlights, his eyes are yours, and he's as stubborn as you are." He said pulling his phone from his pocket and stabbing at buttons before handing it over. "Swipe this way, he'll get older as the pictures go up."

Emma cried, a tear falling nearly at each picture as she touched the screen that held her son. "I named him Liam after my brother, a way to marry him with the one family member that I had a true relationship with, but James, wasn't so much after my last name, but after you."

"I didn't know that. I thought you had just liked the name."

"I loved the name because of who it was attached to. I wish I could see him, just for a moment. We leave tomorrow afternoon. I'd tell you where, but it's better if I don't."

"I have to go," Jay said as he took his phone back and stood up unable to handle any more emotional trauma.

"Of course. I'm sorry, sorry for everything. I loved you Jay, I love you now. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I pick him up from his sleepover at ten tomorrow morning. It's two blocks east of our apartment." Jay said as he turned and walked to the door. He placed his hand on the knob, but before he turned it, he spun around and went back to her and kissed her hard, before pushing her away and fleeing to the hallway where he leaned against the wall before sliding down to a sitting position and quietly sobbed.

Soundtrack: Lord Huron The night we met When Jay first speaks with Emma

Greg Felden Incoming when Jay cries in the hallway