Caught in a Loop

Part III

A/N If you would like to meet Kyle Casey (hint, he will appear in this story) check out my Chicago Fire Fanfic, The Fire and the Flame.

Current time

Liam was tired of waiting, but refused to go back inside. The building and all of its pediatric glory was in his rearview mirror for the day and he wasn't going to give in and go back. He hadn't want to see a doctor or have counseling or whatever you want to call it, but his father had said he had to go to at least four solo sessions. The first one, Jay sat in on, but the last two were just between Dr. Sawyer and Liam. She was nice enough, had lots of experience with children of first responder's, but Liam just didn't have much to say. He had heard the doctor tell his dad that sometimes people didn't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what they've lost. And she felt that this very well may be the case with Liam.

After the first two "quiet" sessions, Jay took Liam to Firehouse 51 to talk with Kyle Casey, Captain Casey's thirteen year old son, who had seen Dr. Sawyer on and off since he was Liam's age. Liam thought Kyle was super cool, they even discovered neither one ate meat, more common than ever, but still a rarity in their age group. The two dads had promised to take the boys out to eat at a vegan restaurant but the kids both decided they would believe it when it actually happened.

Kyle had told him that when he was ten, he spent the whole night outside, wandering the city with his phone off just to make his dad worry. It was in response to the emotional trauma he endured after Matt had been in a really bad fire. It had been a dire situation and fatalities were almost a guarantee, but gratefully in the end all had survived. Liam could definitely relate. He worried about the same thing only death by bullet instead of fire. Despite the age difference Kyle was really nice to Liam and would listen to any and all concerns and when Liam told him he was seeing Dr. Sawyer the older boy encouraged him to open up. But Liam just couldn't—not yet anyway. Kyle's mother had died when he was young, but Liam's mother had abandoned him, and that was something he just wasn't ready to admit.

Liam sighed as his wait for a ride continued. Jay was supposed to pick him up, but he had texted and said he couldn't get away but a patrol car would pick him up. He wished he could just walk. The building wasn't far from the district and he was pretty sure he could find the way. Or even walk to the firehouse to see if Kyle was there. But he had better not dare. He had already pushed the limits that morning, probably because he hadn't wanted to come to this stupid appointment in the first place.

He looked down at his boots, not his first choice for the day, but at the moment his feet were grateful for the barrier from the cold. But the great footwear debate was the cause of that morning's contention.

Earlier that morning~

"Hurry up Liam, we're going to be late." Jay had said, standing near the door looking at the time on his phone.

"I can't find my other shoe." Liam whined.

"Here," Jay said kicking over a boot from near where he was standing.

"That's my boot. I have a sneaker on," Liam complained.

"How do you have two single shoes?"

"I don't know."

"You have to keep better track of your stuff. Take them off when you get home and put them by the door," Jay said as he began to search under the couch. "Found it," Jay said tossing a boot towards Liam.

"But that's my boot." Liam whined again.

"So. Now you have two that match, put it on and let's go."

"But I want to wear my sneakers."

"Then you should have put both of them where you could find them. Put the boots on right now," Jay said as he picked up Liam's lunch box and shoved in his backpack and zipped it up.

Liam sat there staring at his footwear as if he wished hard enough they would turn into his desired choice. "Liam, I'm not going to tell you again." Jay said grabbing his son's coat and hat.

"I want my sneakers," Liam tried one more time.

"Liam James. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Tell. You. Again." Jay stated slowly.

Liam sighed and shoved his feet into his boots. When his father used his middle name, he meant business. Liam didn't want to push it to the next level. Not that Jay was all that heavy handed, in fact Liam only remembered getting spanked once—maybe twice, but the second time was really just a quick swat when he had been caught throwing grapes in the grocery store. Mostly it was time outs when he was little and now being grounded, and lectures, lots of talking.

He thought back to that trip to St. Louis when he was like six or seven. It was the middle of summer and one morning instead of going to day care and work, Jay had packed two bags and told him they were going on an adventure. They drove south and spent three days in the city known as the Gateway to the West. Other than the small mishap in the nocturnal habitat at the zoo, it had been a blast. He could still recall his frantic father spinning around in all directions at once, calling out his name repeatedly, agitation booming from his voice. Liam hiding behind a pole in the dark room thinking he had played the greatest prank ever and reveling in the control he had for the moment. But he was pretty sure his dad had used his middle name then too.

But despite the little hiccup, they had enjoyed the rest of the zoo. They also visited the Science Center, the Magic House, which was their children's museum. The city museum, and a huge sculpture park where the art was often bigger than they were and was also outside where Liam could run and jump around. They finished their visit at the Gateway Arch, peering out the tiny windows at what was below. On the way home Jay explained how big and how important the Mississippi river was. Liam found it hard to believe that it was bigger or better than the Chicago River.

He smiled as he closed his eyes recalling that they had stayed in a hotel with a pool. His father had made him practice his swimming skills by continually backing up, making him paddle ever farther. He then would pick him up and toss him back into the water, while they both laughed. And finally, he remembered going underwater and making funny faces at each other.

He loved the city museum where they had all kinds of cool tubes and ball pits, where his dad kept up with him, acting as if he was a kid again. And the sculpture park where he rode on Jay's shoulders as they explored the grounds.

Those were the best memories ever. But they had to come back, back to Chicago, back to day care and city summer camp where he had swimming lessons, but they weren't nearly as fun. Back to Jay working ten and twelve hour days. Back to a reality that sometimes Liam really hated.

"Hey, you Liam Halstead?" A patrol officer yelled up the steps breaking Liam from his happy place. "Your dad sent us. Um the code word is—dammit, hey Hawley what did he say the code word was?" The officer asked as he ducked his head back into the open door of the squad car. The other officer grumbled something. "Oh yeah, octopus."

Jay had always instituted a code word that had to be said before Liam was allowed to go anywhere with anyone, even a CPD officer.

"Yeah, that's me," Liam said walking down the steps towards the officer who opened up the back door for him.

"Nice to meet ya Liam. I'm Officer Davidson and my driver is Officer Hawley."

"Hi," Liam mumbled as he slid onto the plastic backseat. He knew why it was plastic but didn't want to think about it. Yuck. He was still mad that once again that he had been stood up by his father. This whole thing was his idea but he couldn't carve out fifteen minutes to pick him up.

"Your dad is in the Intelligence Unit right?" Davidson asked.

"Yeah."

"Buckle up," the other officer said as he looked out his window before pulling out into traffic.

"Not sure what it'd be like working for Voight though." Davidson said.

"He's okay," Liam replied looking out at the gray sidewalk, blending in with the gray day.

"You going to be a cop when you grow up?" Hawley asked him.

He really didn't feel like talking anymore now than he had in his session, but his father always told him to be respectful so he managed a shrug.

"Not sure?" Hawley asked as he caught the gesture in the rearview mirror.

"Well you got plenty of time to think about it. What are you eight?" Davidson asked.

"Ten," Liam replied, clearly offended.

"Oh, I guess that coat kind of swallows you up. Really? Was your dad fifteen when you were born?"

"He's like in his thirty's now, so, no."

"Everyone looks so young," Hawley sighed as they pulled up to the district a few minutes later.

"I'll walk you inside," Davidson said pulling himself out of the car with great effort.

"You don't have to," Liam said as the door was opened for him.

"I better. I was told by the desk Sergeant that I was to deliver you right to her. And I'm not messing with her." He said, speaking of Trudy.

"Fine," Liam sighed as he followed the officer inside, waved to Sergeant Platt, thanked the officer and waited to be buzzed in upstairs. "Is he here?"

"Who?" Trudy asked.

"My dad," Liam replied, exasperated.

"I believe so."

"Then why couldn't he come get me?"

"You'll have to ask him."

Liam and Trudy had a pretty good relationship. She didn't baby him and he appreciated it. In return he could be as snarky with her as she was with him and he wouldn't get into trouble, unless he pushed it too far. But if he did she would just shake her head and tell him to back off and he would. It was great.

Liam tromped up the steps as if he could barely make it. He unzipped his coat as he went, the warmth already making his face flushed. He felt exhausted inside and out or maybe defeated was a better description. But he wasn't exactly sure why. He knew what was bothering him, he didn't need a doctor or anyone else to tell him what it was or tell him how he should feel about it. Or continually ask him about how he felt about it. He felt abandoned. His mother had left him once and had come back only to leave him again. How awful is it to be left not once but twice? Pretty damn awful.

Then his dad poured everything he had into his job, working more hours than ever and despite their talk and Jay's accolades, Liam couldn't help but feel left out and unimportant. Something was always pulling the man in a different direction. Sometimes it seemed so hard to breathe. He kept feeling that someday everything would make sense, but when was someday? Would it ever be someday? It's as if both his parents had lives somewhere else and he didn't have a place in them.

He walked into the main room to find Kim, alone studying something at her desk. "Where is everybody?" He asked as he dropped his backpack by his fathers desk and took his coat off and tossed it on Jay's chair.

"Busy fighting crime." She replied. "How are you kiddo?"

"Is my dad here?"

"He's interviewing someone."

"Can I watch?"

"No. I'm sorry, but you can't. Maybe when you're older."

"Is it a witness or bad guy?"

"I'm not sure. How have you been?"

"Fine," Liam lied.

"Oh, I have these," she said pulling two small vehicles from her desk drawer. "You had left them on the table last time you were here."

"Thanks," Liam said taking the police car and fire truck from her. They were both metal and had a mechanism in them that allowed them to shoot forward after you pulled them backwards. His uncle Will had bought them several months ago and they could really go fast on a hard floor just like the district had.

"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" Kim said as she stood up.

"Sure. I have a snack and homework. I'll be fine."

She nodded as she and the file that seemed important departed the room.

Liam began to open his backpack and realized he wasn't hungry and had no desire to start his homework. So he took his two cars and sat in the middle of the room and revved them backwards until he heard the telltale click and let them go. They rushed away from him as if they were both on their way to a call. They stayed neck and neck until the firetruck crashed into the door frame that surrounded Sergeant Voight's door. He jumped up and walked over and grabbed the truck and saw that the police car had careened into the office and had banged into the wall. He wasn't supposed to go into Sarge's office without being invited. But his car was right there and it would only take a second. So he stepped inside the office and picked it up.

"Good work in there," Voight said, his voice carrying all the way to Liam's ears. The boy froze, clenching a vehicle in each hand. He should just walk out and explain he had just been getting his police car. Voight liked Liam, he would believe him. But for whatever reason his feet just wouldn't cooperate and panic took over instead.

"Jay, come on in," Hank instructed. "Close the door. Okay, both Hailey and I have contacts in the international world and they did some digging on our behalf—well, actually your behalf. Are you interested in what they found concerning your ex?"

Jay took a moment before answering, but he finally croaked out an affirmative answer.

"Okay, her real name is Emma James, Liam, the guy you met, is her younger brother, by eleven months. They have several siblings," papers were shuffled, "Seamus, Eileen, Colleen, Callum, Joseph, Kieran and Eillish. Big family. Joseph was gunned down several years ago, don't have any details, but I'm sure he was in the middle of something insidious. They are the children of Killian and Faye James of Dublin, where the kids were born and raised.

"Now I've seen crime families in my day, but this group is a true crime syndicate. This group along with a bunch of other James' and Murphy's, which is Faye's family are into a lot of treacherous schemes, including but not limited to, stolen goods, drug trafficking, weapons trafficking, and word has it, human trafficking. From what I understood you want anything moved in Ireland or Northern Ireland, it goes through this family or you have their permission. There's ties to the IRA and Sinn Fein. They go deep and they go wide. And they go violent. The body count that they are responsible for is immeasurable."

"Is the father dead?"

"Killian? Yes. Died a few months ago in an explosion. No clues as to who or why. Some are saying it was just a building collapse, but not everyone is buying that. Apparently the building was in fine shape just before it came down."

"The rest of the family?"

"Well, apparently Emma had disappeared years ago, around thirteen or so. Some thought she had run off, but others thought she had been kidnapped and killed by a rival. The father never gave up on finding her, probably not caring which she was a victim of; rivals or her own sense of freedom and morality. Then, suddenly she returns, what she told him is anyone guess, but she had always been dad's favorite. It may have been because she was pretty damn smart and looked just like him. Details are sketchy with specifics.

"But Jay, one does not just walk away from this family. There were plenty of reports of nieces, nephews, cousins etc. just disappearing. Some could be casualties of war, but others are more than suspected of being murdered by their own, because they dared to go against the family or just decided to make it on their own."

"What about now? What are they saying about Emma now?"

"She's in the wind. Her brother Liam stated that he had found her body and tossed it into the ocean, angry about her previous disappearance and not believing that she deserved the funeral and respect that their father would be receiving. There's been no sightings of her since that day, so who knows what really happened. The currents out there are apparently pretty strong."

"What about the family now that their patriarch is dead?"

"Battling it out for the hierarchy. There's no reason to think that you and Liam aren't safe. I believe Emma went to great lengths to make sure that you never existed in her world."

"If you love them, let them go." Jay said absentmindedly.

"Something like that."

"Thanks Sarge," Jay said as he went back into the outer office area trying to digest what he had just been told.

Hank went behind his desk and tugged his chair out and looked down and shook his head and then looked up at the ceiling. "Get out here," he told Liam, who crawled out from under the desk. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put you over my knee right now?"

Liam looked up and squinched his eyes, trying to look contrite. "Because I'm already in therapy."

The answer caught Hank by surprise and he couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from going up.

"It was an accident. I swear," Liam tried. He explained how the car ended up in the office and he had just gone into get it but then heard him coming and panicked because his dad had just lectured him about eavesdropping. "So please don't tell my dad." He pleaded.

"Jay, can you come back in here please?" Hank called out.

"Seriously?" Liam asked.

"Seriously," Hank stated. "Why should I protect you for doing the wrong thing? In my office no less."

"Yeah," Jay said looking through the door and seeing his son. "What are you doing in here? When did you even get here?"

"Long enough ago that he heard every word of our discussion."

"You're kidding me right?" Jay asked as he looked at his son.

"It was an accident," Liam said pleading his case with the cars again.

"Wow," Jay said shaking his head back and forth. "Unbelievable."

"I said I was sorry," Liam spat back.

"Did you forget who you were talking to?" Jay asked, his eyes hardening as the words volleyed back and forth.

"No, I just—" but Liam gave up.

"I think I'm going to take these two cars and see how they do in the hallway," Voight said taking the cars from Liam. "And leave you two alone."

Hank left, closing the door behind him. "Sit down," Jay ordered pointing to the couch. Liam did as he was told but wasn't happy about it. "Didn't we just talk about this a few weeks ago?" Liam stayed quiet, looking down at the floor. "Answer me."

"I guess."

"You guess? Seems to me that we did. How things weren't always meant for your ears and this most definitely wasn't meant for your ears. And you had absolutely no right to be in Sarge's office without permission."

"I know." Liam admitted.

"You owe him an apology."

"Okay."

"Yes sir," Jay reminded.

"Yes sir," Liam replied sighing. "Hey, I waited forever for my ride. How come you couldn't come get me?"

"Because I made an arrest and had to talk to the offender. Unfortunately it was at the same time I was supposed to pick you up."

"How come the bad guys always win?"

"What do you mean?"

"You always drop me to deal with them, but you never ignore them to deal with me."

"I'm dealing with you right now. And because I can't tell the criminal to hang around and wait for me to get back to them. It just doesn't work that way. You know that."

"So mom's family is like the mob?" Liam said changing the subject.

"Apparently."

"Would you have told me?"

"Some of it, but you didn't need to know the details."

"Like which details?"

"Most of the conversation. Your mom came from a rough family, she feared that it would intrude on your life and therefore thought it best to walk away in an effort to protect you and me. That's what I would have told you."

"And I would have asked why."

"We are not going to have this conversation since you already know every detail."

"So it's good huh?"

"What's good?" Jay asked, his arms folded as he leaned against Voight's desk.

"That she had a real reason to ditch me—ditch us."

"Yes she did have a reason. And it's something that we are going to have to accept."

"Because she's never coming back?"

"I don't know if she will."

"I hope she doesn't."

Jay cocked his head. "What makes you say that?"

"Because it hurt too much to see her leave again. When we were on the L she kept saying we had to go back, because she was technically kidnapping me. How can she kidnap me, I'm her son. It's like she isn't really my mom anymore."

"It has to do with the legalities of the matter. Because she left she gave up her rights to you. I am your only custodial parent." Jay explained, leaving out that she had signed over all of her parental rights not long after leaving the first time.

"What does that even mean?"

"It means she has no legal rights to you, and I hadn't given her permission to take you anywhere. I could have had her arrested."

"She said that. But I told her that you wouldn't do that."

"Not as long as I got you back safe and sound—and quickly."

"She wanted to go back as soon as we got on the train."

"She was right."

"I hated her for it. All I wanted was to talk to her, learn why she left, but all she wanted was to get rid of me."

"She was right to get you back. She shouldn't have left with you."

"I dragged her with me. It was my fault."

"I get it buddy, you wanted to see her, talk to her, ask her a million questions. But she couldn't give you the answers that you weren't ready to hear. Or should have ever heard. But you broke the rule again today, and here we are."

"Are we going home soon?"

"I have to check on a few things but I hope so. We're going to talk about this again," Jay promised.

"Hey Jay, there was a sighting of our suspect in Humboldt Park. If we leave now, maybe we can catch him," Upton said walking into the office. "Oh, Liam. I didn't know you were here. Um, maybe I can grab—" she said looking back into the empty main office behind her.

"No worries, I can hitchhike home," Liam quipped.

"I've got him," Hank said as he reappeared. "You two go. Pick him up later at my place."

"You sure Sarge?" Jay asked.

"No problem. Go get your man."

"Hello, is anybody interested in what I think?" Liam piped up.

"Hey, pal, this is a big case, Sarge will take care of you and we will talk about this more later."

"It's always later. Whatever."

"You know I hate that word," Jay said kneeling down so he was face to face with his son.

"Whatever," Liam repeated.

Jay leaned forward so that his forehead was against his son's. "Don't say whatever. We will talk about that too. I will see you later tonight. I love you." He said as he planted a kiss on top of Liam's head as he stood up. "Behave for Sarge."

Hank stood by his desk as Jay and Hailey left his office and Liam sat there pouting. "Wow, that's a mean face," Hank said.

"It's like I don't even matter."

"You matter very much, which is one of the reasons he is going to get one more bad guy off the streets."

"Whatever," Liam said once again.

"You know, I don't like that word either." Liam's lips were pursed to say again as he had with his dad, but he was interrupted. "Why don't you go say goodbye to your father like the well behaved young man that I know you are. Go on," Hank instructed.

Liam got up and went into the main office where Jay was grabbing his vest and slipping it on. "You okay?" Jay asked as Liam watched him.

"Don't take it off until you are back here," Liam said speaking of the vest. "Be careful."

"I always am. Come here," he waved Liam towards him. The boy made his way over and Jay pulled him close.

After he let him go, Liam looked up at him. "Go get the bad guy."

"We always get our man," Hailey said as she winked.

"Get started on your homework," Jay called out as he left.

"You heard him, get started. I have some phone calls to make and then we'll get out of here. Think about what you want to eat for dinner."

To be continued...one more time

Soundtrack: No Talk by Lowell