Caught in a Loop

Part IV

A/N I just want to thank you everyone who has left reviews—you have know idea how much I appreciate them. And a special shout out to the guests whom I can't answer personally!

An hour later Hank came out of his office to find Liam sitting at Jay's desk, a math book and workbook off to the side. "Finish everything?"

"Just had some math. We had study time at the end of the day." Liam said as he continued to doodle on a blank piece of copy paper.

"Let's take a look. Using exponents." He read. "This is fifth grade math?"

"Pretty sure," Liam replied. "Fractions, decimals, it's all fun." He said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Is it now?"

"No. Not at all. I hate math."

"What are you doing now?"

"Just drawing."

"Can I see?"

"I suck at it."

"That's okay, I'm no art critic." He said as he took the drawing. "Okay so this little guy over here is you?" Liam nodded. "And let's see there's a vest with a star on it, a badge, a gun, handcuffs, a truck, a desk and a phone, then I want to say that this guy over here on the other side of all that is your dad?"

"Yep."

"So you think that all this stuff is between you and your dad?"

"Duh. Look at me sitting here at his desk where he works, and we're still not together."

"This is the stuff you are supposed to talk to your counselor about."

"So does everybody know I'm in therapy?"

"No, but you just told me you were in therapy after I caught you in my office."

"Oh, yeah. Because my mom came back. It kinda messed me up."

"I imagine so. Hungry?" Liam nodded as he put his books in his backpack while Hank took the picture back to his office. He thought it might be good for Jay to know what was in his son's head, not that there was much guesswork to it. Maybe it was a good reminder for Hank to have handy on days that got too long.

"So what are you in the mood for?" Hank asked as he pulled his coat on.

"Ummm, Indian." Liam decided.

"Indian? That's about the last thing I expected you to say. Okay then, let's go. Zip up and put your hat on it's cold out there."

"Kay," Liam said pulling his backpack on.

An hour later the dinners were set in front of them. "That's a lot of vegetables." Hank remarked.

"I like vegetables." Liam replied.

"Good for you."

"I guess so. Can I have a soda?"

"Would your dad let you have a soda?"

"Sure he would."

"So if I texted him right now and asked, he would tell me that it was allowed?"

"Absolutely," Liam said, but he his eyes flickered and looked away. "But you can't text him because he's busy. What was he going to go do anyway?"

"Catch the bad guy."

"I mean in detail."

"I can't tell you details."

"Is he always safe?"

Hank thought back to the time Jay gave chase alone and was shot. "There was only one time when he wasn't and he learned from that mistake. I made sure of it."

"Is that when he was shot going after the arsonist?"

"So he told you?"

"I figured most of it out already. But yeah, he finally admitted to it."

"Your father was a soldier, and a damn good one, this stuff is a piece of cake in comparison."

"So no soda?" Liam asked hopefully.

"Nope, drink your water," he said as he thought back to the conversation that he had had a week after the shooting. He was still pretty angry with his subordinate, but Jay was thinking straight and Hank wasn't as fiery. His anger having subsided a bit.

"I know Sarge, it was stupid—really stupid." Jay admitted as he sat in Hank's office that day.

"Your life is worth more than vengeance. For God's sake you have a child that depends on you. Are you willing to leave him an orphan?"

"God?" Jay said as he smiled. "Emma once called me an angel with a gun. In one of her letters to me in Afghanistan. I'm not quite sure what she meant by it. Maybe it means I have two sides? My duality?"

"Jay, I think you're getting a little off topic here and I think you're doing it on purpose because you don't want to think about what might have happened last week."

"You're probably right. Look, I don't know, it's like I believed I had some kind of invisible shield because any worthy god wouldn't take both of my sons parents."

"But there are no guarantees and you damn well know that. You bear responsibility in what happens to you and how it affects your son. What happened last week is never to happen again. Am I understood?"

"Yes sir."

"You'll be healed soon, but you'll remain on desk duty until further notice. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir," Jay repeated, realizing just how lucky he had been to escape with his life. He owed Liam better than that.

"You think of that child first, always first."

"Did he get grounded?" Liam asked, bringing Hank back to the present, his memories still swirling. He asked even though he already knew that Jay had been assigned to desk duty.

"Pretty much. I watch out for him, like I do all my guys."

"What did you say to him?" Liam wanted to know.

"That is between your father and me."

"Fine," Liam sighed. "I miss Erin." He said suddenly.

"What made you think of her?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, I just did. My dad liked her, I mean really liked her."

"Did you like her?"

"Yeah. She was nice to me and really cool. She didn't talk down to me like I was a little kid. Plus, my dad was happy, happier than he is now. Why did she leave?"

"Her career took her down a different road. I think it was hard for her to leave. I'm pretty sure she liked you and your dad too."

"And you. Weren't you like her adopted dad?"

"Who told you that?"

"She did. She said you saved her from the streets, took her in. She had a shittier mother than I did."

"Hey, young man, watch your mouth. Does your dad let you talk like that?"

"No. Sorry, it just came out."

"Next time it comes out there will be consequences. Understand?"

"Yeah."

"Yes sir." Hank reminded.

"Yes sir. Can I have some ice cream for dessert?" Liam asked.

Hank looked at him sternly but then sighed. "Sure, after you ate all those vegetables, you can have ice cream."

"Plus I didn't have soda."

"Right, no soda. What flavor do you want?"

"Chocolate. It's the best kind." Liam hesitated for a moment. "Sometimes, when my dad and Erin were—together, I would pretend—never mind, it's stupid."

"I bet it's not stupid at all."

"I would pretend they were married and I could call her mom. Sometimes I would pretend she was my mom, like we were a normal family. See, stupid."

"Not stupid. Not stupid at all. And I think Erin would have loved that."

"Why does everybody leave?"

"Because sometimes that's just the way the world works."

An hour later with the both of them settled in at Voight's house, Hank jumped Liam's red checker and looked over at the boy who seemed lost in his own world. "You payin' attention at all?

"Hmm? Sorry."

"What's up with you kid?"

"Nothing. I'm good. Just tired I guess."

"I've known you since you were five and this is more than being tired. Spill it. That's an order!" He said as Liam looked like he was going to protest.

"But I don't work for you," Liam said. But Hank just looked at him with his hardened face. "Okay. There's this bully at school. A sixth grader." He began.

"Did he hurt you?"

"No. Well a few months ago he shoved me into the lockers, but my friend Dylan punched him and said if he ever hurt me again he would kill him."

"Good friend." Voight commented.

"But Dylan moved. Before he did, he told Alex that if he ever hit or pushed me again, he would come back and smash him."

"Has he hit you?"

"No. But the other day he called me a bastard. Well, he said I was a bastard son. So I looked it up and he's right. I talked to Kyle Casey about it and he told me he was too, but at least his parents were in a relationship, mine were barely friends.

"I know that my dad was deployed the whole time my mom was pregnant."

"Not all of it, not the very beginning." Hank reminded.

"Splitting hairs."

Hank looked surprised at Liam's choice of words. "No, not splitting hairs." He got up and went over to a shelf and brought a small framed picture back of Jay and Liam taken a couple of years ago. It showed a candid shot of father and son after a baseball game, Liam in uniform talking to Jay who was on one knee looking at his son. "You two look too much alike to ever doubt that he is your father."

"You have a picture of us?"

"I have pictures of people I like. Besides, I just happened to get this one and I thought it came out pretty damn good." Liam looked over and nodded in agreement. "And, you and your father act way too much alike."

"We do?"

"Stubborn, lead with your heart, always trying to see the best in people and then taking it hard when they disappoint. But then you try all over again."

"Even if I am his, a big if, then I'm a total mistake."

"Liam, if the planet only contained people who had been planned—well the world would be a lot emptier."

"Unplanned is different than mistake."

"You are not a mistake. Your dad loves you so much it worries me."

"It does? How?"

"He's thinking about you, what he's missing instead of the task at hand. But usually once it's go-time he switches gears pretty well. He has your picture up in his truck visor and looks at before we head into a touchy situation. In fact, he has this one," he said holding up the frame.

"Is what you said about my mom true? Is her family that bad? Is she bad?"

"What I said is true. And yes, her family is responsible for a lot of violence. But she left, she got away from it all. But situations like hers aren't easy to leave and she was afraid it would follow her so that's why she went back."

"Why?"

"Because if her father was looking for her here, he might find you and your father. But if she shows back up then the search is over and you and Jay remain unknown. Sometimes if you love someone you have to set them free."

"Huh?"

"She loved you so much that as hard as it was for her to leave you, she did so that you would be safe. She was afraid that her family would find her and find you. She didn't want you caught up in that life or anywhere near it. So she left and by doing so, her family was no longer a danger to you.

"She lost a big part of herself the day she left Chicago, but she did it anyway, because your safety is all that mattered."

"Then, I was a mistake, because she would have never had me otherwise."

"Unexpected. But, I'm sure she never thought of you as a mistake, ever. She isn't the crappy mom you make her out to be. Where did that kid hear the word bastard?"

Liam shrugged. "Game of Thrones I think."

"Well there was one bastard that could have ruled the seven kingdoms or whatever, but was wise enough to know he had to do what was best for all of the people, even though that meant letting go."

Liam seemed to ponder that for a moment. "I guess. It's just hard not having her here. I mean most of my friends, even if their parents are divorced their mom lives with them. I don't even get to see her."

"What do you tell people?"

"That she lives in Ireland."

"Honest answer."

"Not really. I have no idea where she lives. She just told us that's where she was going. It's just that my dad works so much that I feel left out. I mean he was supposed to pick me up from the doctors office and he couldn't and then we were supposed to go home but he couldn't even do that. Stood-up twice in one afternoon."

"You know that police work doesn't follow a typical schedule. He had arrested a suspect and was in the middle of an interrogation when you needed to be picked up. But he made sure you had a ride and were taken care of. And this afternoon," Hank said as Liam opened up his mouth to say something, "we had a solid lead that he needed to check out."

"But he made sure I was cared for," Liam finished.

"By the best babysitter in all Chicago."

"Yeah yeah. Can we play again?" Liam asked looking down at the checkerboard.

"Best two out of three?"

Liam nodded pulling his red pieces towards him. "I can barely remember her. I mean, I recognized her that day, but before then I couldn't remember what she sounded like or how she dressed or things that we did together." Hank sat listening quietly. "That's where I was going that day."

"What day? The day you skipped school?"

"Yeah. I was going to go to our old apartment. But once I left school, I realized I had no idea where to go. I couldn't even remember what neighborhood we had lived in. I felt so lost, so alone. How could I have forgotten where we lived? Forgotten everything?"

"Because you were five when she left," Hank reminded.

"She was my mother and as you said let me go, but I have let her go too."

"They say there is nothing more sad than a motherless child. And I when I lost my wife and looked at my son I truly believed that. Father's love their children and are important in their lives, but losing a mother—"

"But mine just walked away."

"And you know why."

"I'm tired. Can we play later?" Liam asked.

"Sure," Hank said as Liam headed towards the couch and laid down.

An hour later when Jay came to pick him up, Liam was still sleeping so Hank pulled him into the kitchen and filled him concerning their earlier conversation.

"I thought we had a good talk a couple of weeks ago. I made sure he understood how much I loved him and how important he is to me."

"It's the job, the hours. I know Camille went through the same thing with Justin—explaining why I couldn't attend certain things or why I had to leave in the middle. Liam doesn't have that gentle touch. I know you have a great sitter, but she isn't his mother.

"I think this kid at school picked open a healing wound. I think he probably was doing better after your talk, but the kid hit him where it hurt and opened it all back up. All of his doubts and feelings of abandonment. He's just feeling a little left out right now."

"I can't believe he thinks that I'm not his biological father."

"I think he's doubting a lot of things right now."

"I am. I am his biological father. I have a DNA test to prove it," Jay explained as Voight looked at him. "I didn't want to get one, I knew—the timing was perfect—he looked just like me as a newborn. But mostly I felt it. Corny I know, but it was true. Emma was clearly a big liar, but not about Liam. Never about Liam.

"My dad made me get the test, the cynical old bastard."

"Maybe it's time you shared the results."

"Maybe," Jay sighed. "Did he tell you the bully's name?"

"I believe he said Alex."

"I didn't know that Dylan had protected him. I made Liam stop playing with him since they often got into trouble together, but I had no idea what had happened at school."

"You might want to keep a close eye on any clues that this Alex is becoming a problem again."

Jay nodded. "There was an event at the school a few days ago. It was for kids to honor their parents, but was mostly geared towards moms. It was supposed to help show appreciation for adults around them. Liam had to be there because the band played a few selections. I couldn't make it—again. Ellie told me that she overheard some kid ask Liam if she was his mother."

"That might have been him. Gave him ammunition when he discovered Liam's mother wasn't around. He fired and it hit Liam right in the heart."

"Yeah, it did. I better get him home."

"Jay. You know I allow very little wiggle room for personal issues, but that little boy means a lot to me and there are times when he needs you and you just have to let me know when those times are. When I can allow you some slack—I will."

"Thanks Sarge, but I don't want any special treatment."

"I know, but that's why I'm willing to give it to you."

Jay nodded as he grabbed Liam's coat and walked over to the couch. "Hey buddy, let's get your coat on," he said quietly as he got Liam up to a sitting position and slipped his arms in the coat.

"Here's his boots. He took them off before he got on the couch." Jay slipped them on the still mostly sleeping child. He tied them and then picked Liam up. "Here's his back pack," Hank said slipping it on Jay's shoulder. "Do you want to take the blanket?" He asked, speaking of the blanket that he had used to cover the boy.

"No. The truck will warm up quickly. But thanks boss—for everything."

Liam was still zonked out when they got home so Jay carried him inside, juggling the boy so he could unlock the doors. Once in the apartment, he set him on his bed and unzipped his coat and pulled his boots of causing Liam to stir. "Hey, hey buddy," Jay whispered quietly. "We're home. Why don't you go to the bathroom and brush your teeth real quick while I get your bed ready?"

Liam barely opened his eyes as he looked around. "We're home?"

"Yep. Go finish getting ready for bed."

"Kay," he said as Jay pulled off his coat as he stood up. He took the newly freed coat, the boots and backpack and put them by the door where the would be easily found in the morning. He took a quick look around for the missing sneaker and found it under a wayward sweatshirt that Liam had probably tossed on the floor yesterday. He lined both shoes up by the boots. He really wasn't up to another footwear argument.

He went back to his son's bedroom just in time to see Liam come in, kicking his jeans into the corner and flopping into bed. "Did you brush your teeth?" Liam grumbled incoherently. "I'll take that as a yes. Let's change your shirt," he said attempting to pull off the old one as he tugged Liam up to a sitting position.

"I can do it," Liam said, his eyes closed. He peeled off his shirt as Jay handed him another one.

"You have to open your eyes."

Liam did and pulled the shirt on and fell back into bed. "Did you catch the bad guy?"

"No. But we have more leads so that we can do that soon. Did you have fun with Sarge?"

"It was okay. I got ice cream."

"Good deal. Goodnight kiddo. I love you," Jay said pulling the blankets over Liam.

"Did you wear your vest?" Liam asked.

"Absolutely. Goodnight."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay with me until I fall asleep."

"Sure," Jay agreed sitting in bed next Liam. He pulled the covers a little tighter and pushed the boys bangs off his forehead. In response Liam threw his arm over Jay's lap and quickly drifted off into slumber.

Once Jay had finally extricated himself from his sons loose grasp he went through his own bedtime routine. He sat down on his bed holding the DNA report in his hands. He kept it in his fireproof box along with all the other important papers. He looked at the numbers, absolute proof, the one black and white thing in his life. He then went to his picture gallery on his phone and opened up the file named Liam and began to scroll, taking in the many faces of his son. Why would Liam ever doubt the biology. But clearly Jay had at one time, at least a little bit in order for his father to convince him. Or perhaps it was just in preparation for this day.

How different would things have been if Erin had stayed? If she had accepted his offer of marriage. Would it have all worked out, where would they be now? Questions without answers. Jay hadn't found anyone else that he was prepared to give his heart to—other than his son, who currently was questioning the very foundation of their reality.

Voight was right, he had been hurt by his mother leaving again so it made sense that he would question the one other person he could. Jay didn't believe that Liam really questioned his paternity—not deep in his heart. He was just feeling lost and alone, and Jay had just walked out on him, putting work first once again.

That night as he slept, Jay had a dream. Liam was in the middle, Jay was holding one of his hands and Emma the other. They were each pulling the boy towards them while Liam was yelling, "let me go." But Jay wasn't sure which parent he was demanding to be freed from.

Jay jerked awake when his alarm sounded. His phone laying next to him in bed. He sat up and saw Liam standing there, still half asleep. "You okay?"

"Your alarm was going off forever."

"It was?"

"Yeah." Liam said rubbing his eyes.

Jay patted the bed next to him, inviting Liam to come over. "I think we need to talk."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Maybe a little bit about the eavesdropping. But I'm sorry about yesterday. Believe me I wanted to pick you up and get home early, but it just didn't work out that way."

"I know. I'm sorry I got mad. It's just that I get disappointed that you aren't home because you have to work. I wish that you had a different job."

"You do huh?"

"Yeah."

"Like what?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know. Something that has regular hours and days off."

"I get that. And it does sound nice, but what would I do?" Liam shrugged again. "Can you see me as a mailman?" Liam shook his head. "A pizza maker?" Jay asked, his eyes wide. Again Liam shook his head. "A barber? I know, a teacher in your school."

"No," Liam laughed.

"Well, then what else could I be?"

"I don't know. I guess you have to be a cop."

"I guess I have to."

"I know you're good at it and that your job is important."

"But so are you. Sarge said you were upset last night and said that you felt like you were a mistake."

"I am. I know I am. It's okay. I wasn't planned, but you kept me. Well, first mom did, then you did."

"Because I'm your dad. You know that right?"

"I guess."

"Do you doubt that I am?"

"Jeff Howell found out that his dad isn't really his dad. He married his mom when he was little and adopted him."

"But his dad still loves him right?"

"I guess so."

Jay reached over and grabbed the DNA test. "Do you know what this is?" He asked showing it to Liam who shook his head. "It's a test. I took a q-tip and put inside my cheek and then I did the same to you."

"I don't remember."

"You were a little baby. Then I sent the swabs to a lab so they could compare them. And do you know what they said?" Once again Liam shook his head. "See this number," he said pointing to the 99.99997%. "It means that without a doubt I am your father. So you're stuck with me."

"Sarge did say we looked and acted the same way."

"Did you really doubt that I was your father?"

"No. Not really. I was just mad. How come you took the test? Did you want me to be your son?"

"Absolutely."

"What if I wasn't?"

"It wouldn't have mattered. It would have been like your friend Jeff's situation. You were my son from the moment you were born."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

"This weekend we are definitely going to talk about what you overheard in Sarge's office."

"About my mom?"

"Yeah, that."

"Are we going out running?" Liam asked as he bounced on the bed, wanting to change the subject.

"Hmmm, I don't think we will today. I think we'll do something else."

"What?" Liam asked.

"I think it's time for a Nerf war," he said jumping off the bed running to Liam's room with his son hot on his trail, to the weapons cache in the closet of Liam's room.

"No fair," Liam yelled as he ran into the room behind Jay. "I want the big one."

"Oh you do, well then I get this one," he said picking up a rapid fire option.

The next twenty minutes were spent hiding behind the couch, under the kitchen table, with soft bullets flying along with pillow bombs and rolled up sock grenades. When the battle was all said and done, Jay collapsed on his back on the floor and Liam fell on top of him.

"Truce," Jay said.

"Truce," Liam agreed. "I can hear your heartbeat," he said as his head was on Jay's chest.

"Yeah? What's it sound like?"

"Thump-thump, thump-thump."

"Well that's good."

"I hope it beats forever."

"I hope so too, well for a very long time at least."

Soundtrack: Heroes Fall by Hidden Citizens (at the very end)