Return To Duty
Jay was beyond exasperated. Liam had done everything in his power to stall, delay and be a general pain in the ass all morning. The push-back that Matt Casey had described had certainly reared its ugly head, but since Jay had been back to work for weeks he couldn't figure out what the problem was. They had to cut their morning exercise routine short because it took so long to get out the door when Liam couldn't find his gloves, which ended up being right by the front door. He then had to use the bathroom and took his sweet time about it, then claimed he couldn't get his shoelaces right. So by the time they actually got out the door, Jay only had time for two miles.
Once back at the apartment, he practically had to put Liam in the shower. He refused to eat, so Jay gave up, deciding he wouldn't starve to death by lunch time. And now here they were in the final stages of attempting to get out the door to work and school. Jay was getting his gun and badge from his bedroom, ready for his first day back on full duty and the streets. He had been losing his mind while stuck on desk duty and all of his focus had been on this day and his return to the action. Liam was supposed to be getting his coat and hat on, but when Jay walked into the living room he only found frustration once again.
"My hat won't fit right," Liam complained of his Cubs baseball cap.
"It's too cold for that hat. Wear this one," Jay said as he tossed him the Chicago PD knit hat that Trudy had given Liam after Jay was shot.
"I don't want to wear that one. I want to wear this one!" Liam yelled of his baseball hat as the knit hat hit him in the chest and fell to the floor.
"Pick up the winter hat and put it on. Come on, we're going to be late." Jay urged.
Liam picked up the hat off the floor and preceded to throw it as far as he could towards his bedroom. "Oh no you didn't," Jay said. "Look kid, you have to get to school and I have to get to work. Quit screwing around and let's go," he said as he retrieved the hat. He handed it to Liam who gave sour look and raised his hand to throw it again. "You had better not," Jay began as Liam threw it again.
"Go pick it up right now!" Jay yelled, completely out of patience.
"No!" Liam said, his eyes set and focused.
"You have a funny way of saying yes sir." Jay countered.
"Cause I didn't say it," Liam spat back.
Jay stood motionless for a moment before he leaned over and picked his son up and sat down on the couch. Liam instantly began to squirm and fight the restriction. "You are going to tell me what the problem is right now," Jay said hanging on tightly, relieved that his shoulder still felt good during this epic battle.
"Nothing is wrong."
"Then what is your problem?"
"Nothing," Liam repeated.
"Then get your hat, put it on, then get your gloves on and grab your backpack so we can leave." Jay said as he let go and allowed Liam to stand up.
Liam got up, went over to the hat, bent down, picked it up and threw it once again. Jay's eyes widened in disbelief. In the ten years he had been with his son, never had he endured such outright defiance. He wasn't sure what he should do at this point as he found himself at a total loss. It was well below freezing outside so the kid needed the hat, but this fight wasn't about the hat, he just wished he knew what it was about. Right now, Liam was pushing every button he had and Jay had to be the parent and not allow the boundaries to be pushed or stomped all over as was the case now.
Jay took a deep breath and went over and picked up the hat once again. He held it in his hands for a moment, looking at it, turning it over, looking at the emblem. He was beginning to feel a wave of anger wash over him, just as it had while he was in Afghanistan when he couldn't control things. He would feel a rage when he needed something to happen and it wouldn't happen fast enough or when he needed something not to happen, but it happened anyway. It would always cause him to lash out in one way or another, and now this exasperation and displeasure was creeping within him now and he wasn't sure that he could stop or even manage it. Everything became an internal struggle when he couldn't control a situation and right now his son was seemingly in control and it was not sitting well at all with Jay. Were these emotions a form of the PTSD he suffered from or was it because he had lost control of the situation with Angela Nelson and had gotten shot? Did it matter which one or if it was neither one? Right now he just needed his son to put his damn hat on. He took a deep breath and went over to Liam, demanding that he put it on, when the boy made no move to honor his wishes, he grabbed him with one arm and as his last resort used the other to pop him on the backside with a couple of stinging blows. "Now, put the hat on, get your stuff and we'll leave. Throw it again, and we'll go another round and you will lose all of your weekend privileges, which include going ice skating at the park with Dylan on Saturday." Jay hated what had just happened, but was relieved it was nothing more than that. He knew he had made great contact as his hand was humming. But he absolutely had no idea what else to do and his body had just seemed to react on it's own as his mind was still swirling in the past and the unknowns that had poked and prodded him. Besides Liam had been beyond reasoning with.
He handed his son the hat and held his breath as Liam took it and put it on his head. He wanted to say thank you but thought he better keep his armor up for right now and kept quiet as Liam went by the door and picked up his gloves and slid them on and grabbed his backpack and walked out the front door not bothering to look back.
"Wow you did have quite a morning," Hailey said after Jay described the scene to her as they drank their morning coffee. "But you do know why he was being such a brat right?"
"No," Jay said. "If you do, please tell me."
"It's obvious Jay. You're back to work."
"I've been back at work." Jay said tossing the pen he had been fiddling with on top of his desk.
"On light duty. This is your first day back on the streets. You were shot and nearly killed the last time you were out there."
"But I wasn't really on duty when that happened."
"Liam doesn't know that. And does it even matter? I swear sometimes men can be so dumb."
"Dumb?" Jay asked, indignantly.
"He's scared Jay. You almost died. Plus the hat you kept throwing at him represented the CPD—which is the entity that was responsible for your situation. You have to understand that it seemed like forever before we knew whether you were going to live or not. Liam put his hand through a window to stay at the hospital that night."
"Wait, he did what?" Jay asked.
Hailey realized what she had just said. "The day you were admitted, the plan that evening was for him to go home with Kelly Severide and Matt and Kyle Casey, but he didn't want to leave you. Refused to leave actually. He kind of freaked out when Will told him the plan. Kelly picked him up and had backed up into the hallway for some privacy as he had his tantrum. Liam was throwing his arms all over the place and his hand went through the cabinet that held the fire hose. I can't tell you whether or not it was on purpose, but the behavior that caused it certainly was. You did notice his hand right?"
"Of course I did. He just told me it was an accident. That he had cut it on some glass."
"Well he did, that's technically true. He loves you so much Jay. You are his surviving parent, it's normal for him to worry about you. How is his hand by the way?"
"Fine. The stitches are out, there will be a scar. But he thinks it's cool."
"Not all scars can be seen Jay. Remember that." She said echoing Kyle sentiments from weeks before.
Jay tried to get off in time to pick up Liam from the after school program, but knew by 5:00 that wasn't going to happen. But he did manage to get home by 7:15, where he found Ellie washing dishes.
"You can just leave those," Jay said as he put his keys on the table by the door.
"You shouldn't have to worry about a sink full of dishes after working all day. Besides, I'm done. How's the shoulder?" She asked as she finished up, drained the sink and wiped her hands on a towel.
"Not bad. Got to stretch my legs a bit."
"Feel good?" She asked, knowing Jay was a man of action, not a man of sitting.
"Yes it did as a matter of fact. How's the boy?"
"Quiet. He's in his room. He didn't eat much dinner."
"Okay. Thanks. Not sure what tomorrow will bring."
"I'm here until you are," she said smiling as she put her coat on.
Jay closed the door behind her and headed towards the closed bedroom door. He knocked softly. He had thought long and hard about what Hailey had told him. How could he have missed what now seemed so obvious? Jay didn't wait for a response before opening the door.
"Hey kiddo. How was your day?" Liam only shrugged as he sat at his desk. He didn't bother to look up from his spelling workbook.
Jay sat down on the bed and watched his son ignore him. "Can you come over here and sit down?"
Liam took his time but he finally got up and went over to the bed and sat on the edge as far away as he could from his father.
"I'd like to talk about what happened this morning."
"I don't want to," Liam replied looking down at his rumpled bedspread.
"Well we're going to. Why were you so difficult?" Liam just shrugged, his eyes down. "Look at me," Jay instructed. Liam looked up, but still diverted his eyes. "Look at me," Jay said again causing Liam's eyes to finally focus on him. "Why were you so upset?"
Liam shrugged and once again looked down. "Look kid, you have to help me out here. Didn't you want to go to school? Are you having problems?"
Liam shook his head. "It's okay, no problems."
"Then what? Didn't you want me to go to work?" But Liam remained quiet and Jay knew he had found the truth. But Liam still wasn't talking, so he switched gears. "Let me see the cut on your hand." Liam looked confused but held his hand up. There was a jagged purple line showing where the damage had been done. "Does it still hurt?"
"It's kinda tender if I press on it or grab something. But Uncle Will said it would get better and not hurt anymore in a few weeks."
"Tell me how you cut it?"
Liam picked at his comforter, looking down again. "I cut it on some glass."
"Look up at me," Jay said again causing Liam to look up. "Tell me how you cut it on some glass."
"The glass just broke and cut me."
"What were you doing when the glass broke? What glass broke?"
"I accidentally hit it."
"Hit what?"
"The cabinet where the fire hose was."
"How did that happen?"
"I just hit it with my hand." Jay looked at his son who had always been a pretty poor liar and tonight was no exception.
"Tell me the truth."
"I was mad because Uncle Will wanted me to go home with Kelly and Matt and Kyle but I didn't want to go."
"And?" Jay prodded.
"So I got mad and Kelly picked me up and I threw my arm out and it hit the box and the glass broke and cut my hand. Uncle Will had to stitch me up and I got to stay at the hospital."
"Did you do it on purpose?" Jay asked even though Liam had initially stated it was accidental.
"I'm not sure. Maybe." Liam said, but deep down he knew. He knew he was willing to do anything and everything to stay at the hospital.
Jay wasn't sure either, but he was leaning towards the fact that it was intentional. "Why didn't you want to go home with Kyle?"
"Because I wanted to stay with you. They said you had lost a lot of blood. I thought you were going to die. I had to be there in case you did. You couldn't be there by yourself, I had to be close." Liam said as a tear slid down his cheek.
"Oh buddy. I'm sorry you had to go through that." He said as he scooted over and pulled Liam closer to him. "I'm sure it was pretty scary."
"All I could think of was that I was never going to see you again—that if I left, you might die and—" Liam dissolved into sobs.
Jay held his son's shaking body and fought his own tears, losing the battle once or twice as his own eyes betrayed him. The droplets falling into Liam's hair. After several minutes Liam pulled away and wiped his eyes and dragged his sleeve across his nose.
"Were you acting out this morning because you didn't want me to go to work?"
Liam nodded his head up and down. "I guess so."
"But I went back a couple of weeks ago and you seemed fine with it."
"Because you still had your sling on and you couldn't be on the streets. You were safe."
"But now you're worried because I'm back out on the street?"
"Duh," Liam said looking up at Jay. "Look what happened to you. Why weren't you wearing your vest. You promised that you always would."
"I know. But it was a complicated case. I made some mistakes that I won't ever make again."
"Do you promise?"
"I promise."
Liam wanted to ask his father about all the details of the Marcus West case and his relationship with Angela Nelson, but he knew he couldn't. If he let anything slip Jay would demand to know details and there was no way that he could reveal what he knew and how he had come to find it out. He didn't want to get into trouble for eavesdropping or sneaking around the hospital or talking to Angela and basically threatening her. He also didn't want to implicate Kyle in any of it either.
"Can I still ice skate with Dylan on Saturday?" He asked quickly, before he blurted anything else out.
"As long as your behavior turns around and we don't go through what we did this morning ever again."
"Ever?"
"Ever! I don't want to be pushed into the position I was in this morning again."
Liam seemed to think back about the earlier incident. "Yeah, me either. That hurt."
"It was supposed to. But I hated that I did it, but I hate even more that I had to do it."
"Me too. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. Finish your homework and we can have a snack while we watch the end of the hockey game."
"Dad," Liam called out as Jay was getting up. "Kyle Casey spent all night outside one time when he was my age, because his dad and Kelly almost died in a fire." Jay sat back down on the bed.
"That must have been scary for him when they were in the fire."
"Yeah. That's why he wanted to make them scared."
"So he was outside all night? In the city? Alone?" Jay asked, not revealing that he was already aware of the story.
"Yep, wandering around. His dad was scared, Kelly too. But he got in big trouble for it."
"I bet he did. You better not ever think of doing anything like that. You already have two strikes against you, you don't want strike three."
"Two strikes?" Liam asked.
"Skipping school and going down to the Loop. Times when I had no idea where you were. I'll forgive you the time you took off with your mom since that was an extenuating circumstance."
"What would happen if I hit strike three?"
"You'd be grounded for a very long time, have lots of extra chores, and then, even though I hate it, more of this," Jay said grabbing Liam and playfully tossing him on the bed and gently smacking him on the butt. "Got it dude?" He asked as Liam laughed and Jay pulled him up smiling at his son's red face and mussed hair.
"I got it."
"Finish your homework," Jay told him again.
"Okay. I don't have much left."
"Alright, I'll start the popcorn then."
The remainder of the night was spent cheering on the Blackhawks and eating popcorn, more of it falling to the floor and couch that made it into their mouths, Jay enjoying every minute of it.
Soundtrack: Under These Scars by Godsmack