8

Little Toy Bikers and a Woman on the Run

Chapter 162 Crazed

She didn't know how the words came out of her mouth. How could she have asked Jax if he thought there was a chance for them when he had given her no hint that he had feelings for her? Was she a complete idiot or just a loser?

Nothing had changed despite ten years passing. She was still the girl who didn't deserve Jax Teller. She had never been pretty enough or hot enough. She could never tell him the truth—that she was so jealous because he could do much better than her.

From the moment they got together, she expected him to dump her for someone more at his level of attractiveness. She was afraid if she told him of her insecurity, he would realize he could do better and leave her.

She never should have come over to talk to Jax. She should have known she would screw it up. She'd been a disaster back in high school and now that she was back in Charming, the person she thought she'd become was gone, stripping her back to high school Tara.

"Tara, we haven't seen each other in ten years," Jax said slowly. "You're a stranger to me."

"You don't feel like a stranger to me," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"You've always been a stranger to me."

"What the hell does that mean?" she demanded, getting a little of her spirit back. This was better. Anger was always better than despair.

"We were together for more than three years and I never felt like I knew you."

Instead of misery and heartbreak, white hot anger flowed through her veins. After all this time, Jax had suddenly come up with a new reason for dumping her.

"Thanks, Jax. Really. Thanks for telling me this ten fucking years later. Really helpful," Tara laid the sarcasm on thick so he would get her point.

Suddenly, she felt free. She could say anything to Jax that she wanted because it didn't matter. Ten years ago, each time she talked with Jax, she hoped they could get back together. She'd held her tongue and kept calm. Now, she had little hope that they would get back together, but she could at least get some satisfaction by sharing some truths with him.

"What the hell did you expect me to do? If I had told you the truth about how I felt, you would have really lost your mind."

Tara's brown eyes flashed with rage and she jumped to her feet.

"Don't you give me that shit about losing my mind. That's just an excuse for you to use for not being honest with me. Why don't you treat me to some more of your truth? Come on. I want to hear it," Tara said. Her face was flushed with anger.

"Do you really want to hear it?" Jax asked, a dangerous edge to his voice.

"Yeah, share it with me," Tara shouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You were always talking about how we shared this bond," Jax said, getting to his feet and walking over to Tara. "That was true, but at the end, those last four or five months, I wondered how much of us was a bond and how much was just you repeating back what I said."

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"I never knew who the hell you were. You were like one of those damned chameleons, always changing. If I told you red was my favorite color, red would be your favorite color. If blue was my favorite color, then it would be yours. Whatever I thought, you thought. That's not a bond. It's imitation."

That hurt a lot because Jax was right. Son of a bitch. He'd nailed her. She did used to say his favorites were her favorites too. She thought it would make him like her more or bring them closer. She'd been a sixteen year old. It made sense to her at the time. Now, not as much.

"And you couldn't tell me about this when we were together?"

"You were always so damned insecure, I was afraid to say anything negative to you."

"Oh no, you don't. You aren't going to get out of this by blaming me."

"I'm not blaming you," Jax said, raising his voice in frustration. "I'm trying to explain how after three years, I didn't know who you were."

"Let me apologize for not having a definitive favorite color when I was sixteen," Tara said raising her voice to match his. "Poor Jax! It must have been sheer hell for you."

"That's exactly why I never mentioned this to you. You are missing my point."

"What the hell point are you trying to make?"

"I don't know who you are!" Jax shouted. "You always changed yourself into whatever it was that you thought I wanted. The only thing I ever knew about you was you wanted to be a surgeon. That's it."

"Maybe you didn't know much about me because you never were interested enough to ask me questions," she said yelling back. "You were too busy talking about you."

"That's bullshit, Tara, and you know it."

"If that's what you're telling me to think, I guess that's what I'll think. According to you, I'm some kind of robot."

"I never said that."

"I guess it's a miracle that I managed to live without you telling me what to do."

"You needed to grow up and find out who you were. You would never have done it if we stayed together."

"I can't fucking believe this," Tara said furiously. "Now, you're telling me that you broke up with me for my own good. Jax Teller. Saint," she said, spitting out the last word.

"And now you see why I didn't tell you any of this stuff ten years ago. You still don't get it."

"Oh, no. I get it. You broke up with me because I was jealous, insecure and I needed to grow up without you to become the person I needed to be so I would figure out what my favorite color is," she said yelling the last part of the sentence.

"OK, let me be a little clearer," Jax said his voice tight with anger. "You were always so damned scared you would lose me, you smothered me and killed our relationship."

"Once more we get back to how this is all my fault and not yours."

"Tara, I tried. I tried damned hard. I didn't know how to make you feel more secure about yourself and about us."

"How about not flirting with other girls?" she suggested sarcastically. "That would have helped."

"You make it sound like I was looking for girls to flirt with. I wasn't. Girls talked to me and, being polite, I talked to them. I don't know how many times I've tried to explain that to you."

"You forgot to remind me that I was the one that cheated, not you."

"Consider yourself reminded," Jax said shouted back.

"You made me feel worthless every single day. You made me feel ugly like no one would want me. You were never jealous."

"So, it's my fault that you cheated?" Jax shook his head. "No. I think that you deliberately sabotaged our relationship by cheating so I would break up with you. You wanted me to do it because you were too much of a coward."

That was another verbal jab that hit. She had wondered the same thing herself. She hadn't consciously sabotaged their relationship, but she had set up everything so Jax would find her cheating.

She had been so desperate to hold onto him. She thought if he were jealous enough, he would hold onto her tighter. Instead, he had let her go. It hadn't happened immediately. It unfolded over a couple of hell filled weeks like a plane crash in slow motion. She knew it was going to happen, but she couldn't figure out how to prevent it.

"I would never have broken up with you," Tara said. "I cheated because for the first time in a long time, I felt attractive."

"OK. Now, you're back to blaming me for your cheating. I complimented you. I did my best to fix you."

"I'm sorry I was so fucking defective."

"I don't remember ever hearing you swear."

"That's part of my discovering who I am," she snapped. "If I were so defective, I don't know how you stood me for as long as you did."

"I loved you," Jax said with surprising calmness. "I wanted to be with you."

"Until you didn't," Tara said bitterly.

She should have known that his feelings would have changed after ten years. Her feelings hadn't, but she couldn't expect his feelings to have stayed the same.

"I still loved you even when we broke up. Our relationship had problems we didn't seem to be able to fix. I thought it was better to end it before we hated each other."

"We aren't teenagers anymore. We're adults. We had such a strong, powerful epic love. That kind of love doesn't die. It sort of hibernates. I think there's a way for us to try again."

She was convinced this approach to get Jax back would work. It was logical. They used to love each other. There was nothing wrong with suggesting they see if there was something of that spark still left.

"We had a high school romance. We were each other's first loves. I got over you. I don't love you anymore," Jax said, his voice gentle. "You may think you love me, but that's history. It's not the present. I've changed a lot since we were together. You don't know me."

How much begging was she willing to do before giving up, she wondered. To put it another way, how much humiliation was she willing to put herself through before giving up? She had a feeling in her gut that if she could just figure out the right words, they would unlock Jax's heart.

"I get that. I think we should get to know each other just to see if there's anything there."

She looked at him anxiously, trying to read his expression. She couldn't tell what he was feeling. That couldn't be a good sign. If that bond she'd believed so hard in still existed, she should know how he was feeling.

"Tara," Jax said with great tenderness, "I don't want to return to the past."

"I don't want that either. I'm talking about a future."

"You're a stranger to me and I'm a stranger to you. We don't have a future."

Despite the angry words they had hurled at each other, she still loved him. She still wanted to be with him. Some of what he'd said about her was true. It wasn't easy to admit it, but she didn't know who she was at sixteen or even at nineteen. The only thing she knew for sure back then was she wanted to hold onto Jax.

Now, she was desperate to get back into his life. If she could do that, she was sure that he would fall in love with her again. He would feel that bond that they had and realize his love for her was still deep inside him. He was wrong. They had a future together.

"For everything that we meant to each other, for all the good times we had, we owe it to each other to see if there is still something there. You don't know who I am."

"Tara, we're over. Maybe one day, we could be friends."

Tara sucked in her breath. That was it then. When a guy used the friends line, it was well and truly over. She had been so sure that she could find a spark of love inside Jax. She had taken a huge gamble that Jax still had some love for her and she had lost. She needed to get away from him as soon as possible or she was going to embarrass herself by crying.

She walked to the door, but her vision was blurred by tears. Jax followed her from the living room down the hall and to the door.

"Tara, I'm sorry you're hurt."

Just when she didn't think he could hurt her anymore, he found a new way. Sympathy. He felt sorry for her. She was a pathetic loser. She reached up to brush the tears out of her eyes.

Jax wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair murmuring words of comfort. She always found peace in his arms. It felt even better than all the times she'd imagined it. Gone was the lanky teenaged body. His body was harder now, well-muscled and so damned sexy.

She looked up into his eyes, stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the lips. He pulled her tighter and kissed her back. Nothing they said mattered anymore. It was about their physical connection now.

"One night together and then we'll know," Tara whispered.

Can Jax Teller turn down sex? Tara was betting the answer was no.