Sunshine and Lemons part III

Will

It's been a busy day. Three traffic accidents, one guy who somehow shot himself with an arrow, a pretty bad bagel cutting incident and now a man who was found unresponsive with probable internal bleeding. I couldn't even begin to imagine the story on this case. Maybe it was like the one last month where the man was trying to remodel his kitchen and the new counter top slammed down on top of him. Or the woman who left her keys in the car and her six year old ran her over. Or—or maybe it was the pale face of my nephew that lay before me. I inhaled so sharply I was surprised my breath didn't cut me with its jagged edges.

"Will, maybe you should sit this one out," Maggie said as she called out for Liam to be put in a trauma room.

I heard her words, but I couldn't process them as I saw him wheeled by, his eyes closed but his body looking as if it was anything but peaceful. His shirt had been ripped open, bruising covered his torso and I wondered if he had been beaten or was in an accident. I stepped forward but couldn't seem to complete a thought and my feet didn't know what to do. I knew I had to act or get out of the way of the synchronized chaos. But then my training took over and I began barking orders. I had to try and help as it was clear Liam didn't have the luxury of time.

The paramedics continued to shout out Liam's vitals and all they knew about the case. "Tender age child called 911 saying her brother was on the floor and wouldn't wake up. The police got there first, saw he was wearing a badge and called the badge number in to discover he was a detective with Chicago PD, twenty-six years old, involved in a building collapse earlier today. Refused treatment at the scene, but advised to go to the hospital. As far as we can tell, he never went. His name is Liam Halstead," the paramedic finished as he looked up and saw my name stitched on my scrubs.

"Where are the kids?" I asked as we slid Liam over onto our gurney.

"PD is still with them at the house I believe. Trying to get a hold of the parents. I guess the father is a cop as well."

"He is," I proclaim as I feel Liam's abdomen which is rigid and hard as a rock. Not a good sign. "Intra-abdominal bleeding," I say, stating the obvious.

"His pupils are equal and reactive but he has increased respiratory and pulse rates. His blood pressure is bottoming out." The other doctor stated. "He's bleeding—a lot. We need to get him upstairs so the surgeons can get in there and take a look."

I feel Maggie's hand on my shoulder. She has known Liam since he was in elementary school. He was even an honorary member of her family since the day I took him to her family reunion when he was six.

"I'll take him up," I state as I wheel him around towards the door.

"I'll let the OR know you're coming," a coworker said.

"I'm coming with you," Maggie said grabbing the end of the bed. She looks down at Liam, tears in her eyes, but trying to be strong; strong for me, strong for Liam and strong for herself.

After I give my nephew over to the surgeons I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave the floor, but I've been told Jay is downstairs and asking for me. There is nothing I can do up here, so I head back to the elevator asking for the staff to give me updates as soon as they are available.

It's like I feel Jay's energy before I see him. He is pacing, his body taut, his distress more than apparent. I know how I feel, I can't even imagine what this is doing to him. I thought back to all those years ago when he brought Liam in when he was sick with pneumonia and the fear in his eyes and not being able to help his son. I can now completely empathize with what he had been going through, as I now felt that same helplessness.

He finally notices me and runs up and once he reaches me it's as if he doesn't know what to do, so I embrace him, holding him tightly. We both begin to cry and we stay that way until we feel that we can once again stand on our own.

"Where is he?" Jay asks.

"In surgery."

"Is he going to be okay?"

I want to tell him yes, absolutely, better than new, but I can't, and he already knows this. "He is in great hands, they will do everything they can."

"But it's bad isn't it?"

"He's pretty banged up Jay." I admit to him.

"I saw him and I left. He was at the house and I went and yelled at him for being so reckless, but then work called and I left him. I just left him. I told him I should take him to the hospital, but I didn't. I walked away. This was more important," he said looking at his phone and slinging it at the wall. It hits and falls to the floor. I look over to see Hank Voight pick it up and examine it for damage.

"I get it, but you need this right now," he said handing back to Jay. "It looks okay, but I wouldn't recommend doing that again. How is he?" Hank asks, turning his rigid gaze my direction.

"Not good." Jay said.

"He's in surgery, we don't know anything yet," I amend.

"He's a strong guy, he climbed out of a collapsed building. He can get through this, right doc?" Voight asks, trying to manufacture hope, where there is little.

I just smile and nod as more people pour through the door. I see Kyle Casey throw his body through the entrance, followed by more cops, including those that had watched Liam grow up: Adam Ruzek, Hailey Upton, Kevin Atwater and more. Then coworkers of Liam's and the firefighter's who had answered the call earlier in the day including Matt Casey and Kelly Severide. Jameson, his friend from high school and partner in helping the community, charges in with Madison Casey, Kyle's wife, right behind him. The waiting room is getting out of hand and I can so easily see how much of an impact Liam has had to those around him.

I give the group the only update I had, which was meager at best. Just as I finish a police officer came in with a twin holding each hand looking as desperate as I felt. "I couldn't calm them down," she said looking defeated.

Josh runs to Jay who swoops him up and I pick up a sobbing Jenna who can barely catch her breath. "Where is he?" She ask through her hiccups and sobs, her body rigid with exertion.

"He's upstairs where the doctors are trying to fix the parts that are hurt," I explain.

"I want to see him," she manages to say.

"There's no place to stand and see him. The doctors need to focus on helping Liam and they can't have a bunch of people around.

"You go see him," she demands.

"I will soon. I promise," I tell her as I kiss her forehead. I look over to see Emma walk in, her eyes red and puffy, her body practically folding in on itself. "Look, Mommy is here," I say as I turn her so she can see her. But she clings to me as if somehow I am the answer. Emma leaves Jenna with me and finds Jay. They embrace with Josh wedged in the middle. I look up to see Kyle standing in front of me.

"Tell me how he is?" He asks, his eyes are wild and jumpy.

"Holding his own."

"I should have made him go to the hospital," he says echoing Jay's sentiment.

"He's an adult and you can't make him do anything."

"I can. I could. I was the senior officer, but I let him drive away without me," Kyle said as he continued to explain how Liam had eluded him. "He must have changed and then picked up the kids from school, thinking he was fine.

"I have a key—to his place. I went by, his dirty clothes were heaped by the laundry room by the back door. The laundry basket had been pawed through. We were going to start finishing his basement next weekend. He wanted to put in another bedroom, bathroom and a rec room. Room to grow, he would say. Now—now maybe he will never have a chance to grow—have a family."

"Jay saw him after you, said he looked fine. You couldn't have known. He's a fighter." I try and assure him, but my own belief is shaky at best.

"I could have, I should have known. Two months ago, I would have agreed he was fighter, but today, I'm not so sure."

"Kyle, this is not on you."

"Did he know? Did he know he was this badly hurt?"

I swallowed and hid my face in my niece's hair. I knew the answer, but it wasn't the one that Kyle could handle right now. "He's the only one that can answer that. You guys get banged up all the time. I've seen injuries on Jay that would put me down for a week, but he got up and went to work the next day."

Kyle nodded and went to find his father. I knew from the extensive bruising, that Liam had to know that something was seriously wrong. That thirty minutes prior to his collapse, he must have felt woozy and weak from blood loss. But he either refused to believe he was in danger or he had made peace with the fact that he was.

I hadn't gotten to know him until he was six and I returned to Chicago. But once I met him, I did my best to be a part of his life. I made sure that we spent at least one day together every month, exploring, learning, getting to know each other. I always told Jay if ever needed any help to let me know and he did take me up on the offer, dropping Liam off with me at my apartment or at the hospital if something came up in a hurry. Liam had charmed his way into the hearts of the hospital staff, the remaining staff that knew him from the early day, were now biting their nails as we all waited for word.

I always had felt that Liam was an amazing blend of everyone Halstead. I didn't know Emma, so I guess it was easier for me just to focus on the traits from our family. He loved to read like my mother, he was stubborn like my father, he was determined and overbearing when he felt he was right—like me. He was kind and wanted to help everyone whether they liked it or not—just like his father. As I looked over at Emma I realized that I still didn't know her.

I walked over and set Jenna down in front of Emma and squatted down. "I'm going to go see how the surgery is going. I'll be back."

Jay only nodded. And I'm sure it was because he couldn't speak. His eyes were watery, his face was drawn, his body tight as if every muscle was bunched with fear. Josh sat in his lap, thumb in his mouth, just as Jenna's was. Jay had said they'd been better about sucking their thumbs, and only did it when stressed. I feared this whole family would fall apart if I came back with bad news. And, I was part of this family.

"Dr. Halstead," Dr. Jennings greeted as I walked into the OR, though his voice was anything but pleasant and upbeat. I looked at the group surrounding Liam, all busy trying to save his life. "Your nephew I understand?"

"Yes," I said clearing my throat from the emotions that had clogged it.

"Did he have a death wish?"

"No. I don't think so." I say so quietly I'm surprised anyone heard me.

"He had to have been in pain, weak, exhausted. There is no way he didn't feel the effects of what was going on his body."

"How is he?" I ask, the tremor in my voice apparent to anyone listening.

"Alive. Right now that is a huge accomplishment. He punctured his lung with one of his ribs, he needed a chest tube. I just finished removing part of his liver. I have no doubt I'll be performing a partial if not full splenectomy. And I still can't find out where all this bleeding is coming from. If we don't locate it soon—well, we're pumping blood in at a terrifying rate, but barely keeping up."

I nod, not knowing what to say.

"The good news is that his heart looks fine, his abdominal aorta is unaffected. He's young, in good shape. But he's going to have to be on board if he wants to survive. He will have to participate in his healing—I can't do it that for him.

"And with the blood loss—well there could be deficits." He finished, his voice trailing off with each word.

I thanked the team repairing Liam and step out into the hallway and slide down the wall, waving people off, just needing a minute to get my bearings. I inhaled and tried to control my breath as it bounced its way down my throat, my diaphragm convulsing with the effort. He hadn't thought his injuries were serious or he knew they were and simply didn't care. I was aware that he had been wrapped up in something that appeared to be bigger than himself. I had talked to him, but he wouldn't budge as to what was bothering him. I had seen the same strain invade Jay in the past, so I chalked it up to issues from the job. I reminded him he could talk to Dr. Charles at any time. He had officially retired but still had hospital privileges and saw a few patients privately and Liam was one of them. But not recently.

I thought back to the phone call when Liam was around eight, terrified that Jay was dead. He wasn't, just hungover or even still under the influence from partying too much, too late into the evening. A rare blunder. I was always glad that Liam felt he could call me in his time of need, but apparently he had outgrown it.

I finally made my way back downstairs to the waiting throng of people; suddenly all eyes were on me. "He's holding his own. Dr. Jennings is one of the best. Liam has suffered from internal injuries to his liver and spleen. Part of his liver has already been removed." I explain as Emma gasps. "Not as bad as it sounds. The liver is the one organ that can regenerate. It will fully recover." I say, thinking that if Liam does survive, he will have a lot more than physical injuries to recover from. The question as to why he hadn't sought help sooner wouldn't leave me.

"What else?" Jay asked as he stood up.

There was plenty else, but I refrained from telling them everything, the word deficits clanging in my brain. Would he be the same man I knew? Would he recover at all? Would he even wake up? "He's still bleeding. They need to find the source and stop it." I announce, snapping out of my what-if mantra. There was enough tragedy and unknown now, I didn't need to create it.

"What if they can't?"

"They will," I assure. Because I think we all know what will happen if they don't.

Emma

As the time ticks on people begin to drift away; kids to pick up, spouses to meet, dinner to eat. Madison took the twins, despite their cries to stay. The fire fighters had to return to their house and get back online, but Matt Casey and Kelly Severide decide to stay. Chief Boden, who retired years ago has heard of the incident and shows up to pace in circles with those that can handle standing upright.

Kyle is still here, as is Jameson, and Kyle's friend Danny has come over after his shift at Rush where he is an epidemiologist. Liam had helped on a case of antisemitism concerning Danny's synagogue and the school where his children attended. Hank Voight and other cops from Liam's childhood drift in and out as their work allows. I am numb and I am alone.

Jay is next to me, but we both know somehow that Liam's recent behavior is because of me. His reckless choices and shutting us out—my fault. His life possibly slipping away is squarely on me. Suddenly the emptiness surrounds me and is greater than myself.

I have an Irish tune running through my head. It is sung in the native Gaelic. There was always an argument as to if it meant welcome home or a call to arms against England. Irish Gaelic is very contextual and ideas can be easily misconstrued and open for debate. But the words wrap themselves around me, weaving in and out. But I can only specifically remember certain phrases. English is my first language and I am translating in my head, keeping it busy, trying to remember the intent of the words: Pay attention It's your birth-right back home.Don't you know what's going on back home... Your birth right is being stolen and soldto foreigners.The song is a battle cry and I wonder if Liam is a victim of his own battle cry. Did I believe that Liam was my birth-right and was something that I need to capture; only he wanted nothing to do with it?

I wished my brother Liam was here with me. But he went back to Ireland to visit an old flame and recently told me they had moved to Glasgow Scotland together, our mother's old stomping grounds. In other words, he wasn't coming back to Chicago anytime soon. He had stayed for two years, but never felt at home here claiming it just wasn't a good fit.

I hadn't even told Liam about his Scottish roots. My mother married my father binding two angry and violent families together; easier to run the underworld by sharing intel in two separate countries that way I suppose. She had taken the last name Murphy shortly beforehand, losing her actual surname of MacGregor to make it easier for her to be accepted by his clan. Everyone always seem to bend for that man and nothing was ever as it seemed. He had taken so much from so many around him.

Why didn't I die the day that he did. I had meant to, wanted to, but saved by perfectly placed debris. Now, in a true twist of horrific irony Liam may lose his life from falling rubble, a shattered foundation that had never truly given him a chance. Could life possibly be this cruel? Or is it death that is to blame?

Jay hasn't said more than a few words and they have all been to other people. My worst fear had come true, I had pulled my own son down into exactly what I had wanted to save him from. I had no right to come back and I suspect Jay's joy at my return was more of an idea than an actuality. He had never found love, perhaps because I had destroyed any kind of trust he could possibly have in a woman. He had done just fine without me. Liam had done just fine without me. But I felt it was my right to come back and tip their balance once again.

I had watched their relationship unravel, going from an easy flow to something choppy and unrecognizable. The ease that they had once had, evaporated. Adopting the twins had been a noble gesture, but perhaps it had been the lock to the door in which I would keep what I had always wanted. I had wanted a family with Jay, I now had one, but my unease and the possible ramifications from my family formed too much of knot and taken up too much space for me to truly love anyone, not even myself. I also should have died that day in the ocean, but that little boy, the little boy in the dragonfly t-shirt who was blocked by the sun in my eyes had stopped me. Had he killed my boy by doing so?

Will came over and shoved a cup of coffee in my hand after doing the same to Jay. I didn't really know him. Of course we had met several times, but Will always seemed to put his guard up around me, preferring to eye me from a distance. I knew he had taken an important role in Liam's life; helping Jay and just being there when my son needed someone other than his father. He had been the one who had ensured that their father had a part in Liam's life. Jay had never completely severed the relationship between his son and his father, but he wasn't going to foster it either and that's where Will stepped in. From what I understand Pat's death had been hard on Liam.

Suddenly I felt sick and I handed my coffee to a startled Jay as I ran to the bathroom, barely making it before vomiting into the sink. My stomach clenched and heaved until it was sore. I knew it was only a minute but I now ached inside as much as I did outside. I heard the door open as I scooped some water into my mouth and spit it back out. I had thought, had hoped, it would be Jay, but when I look over I see it is Will.

"Are you okay?" He asks, the corners of his eyes crinkled in concern.

"Yeah, thanks," I say wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Not very ladylike, but Will didn't seem to notice or care.

"I can get you an anti-emetic to help with the nausea and vomiting."

"No need. I really am okay. Just nerves."

"I can imagine. Did you know that when Liam was nine he was here for a few days with a pneumonia? Jay barely left his bedside."

"No. I didn't know. There's a lot I don't know actually."

"You'll catch up." Will assured.

"But you don't think I deserve to. Or that I should," I spit at him as if this is all his fault somehow. But he doesn't falter. He must be used to having abuse hurled at him for things he has no control over.

"I think no such thing. I think you were in a difficult if not impossible situation and you did what you thought was best."

I smile at him, but it is meaningless and he knew it. I didn't hate this man, I didn't even dislike him. But he was standing here and Jay wasn't and my anger at myself and at Jay for shutting me out hadn't been taken care of by vomiting so I had to direct it elsewhere. "Jay and Liam were casualties of a life I thought I had left behind. I thought I could come back and everything would be fine. But clearly I was wrong."

"Liam was injured from a decision he made while on the job."

"Because he didn't care about anything anymore."

"You think that's true? And you think it's because of you?"

"Yes. It may seem self-centered, but a mother knows when her child is in pain. Liam has been avoiding us—me, Jay was an innocent bystander. He must not be able to stand me if he shut out his father. I know they were close, they had to be I suppose. I should have never come back." I say as I grip the sink tightly.

"Jay always loved you, even though I wasn't around when you were here, I could tell his heart had belonged to you. He tried to have other relationships and some of them seemed to have promise, but his heart wasn't completely in it."

"Because I ripped a piece of it off. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would have stayed out of his life, he would have moved on and we wouldn't be here."

"Because Liam wouldn't be here. Jay told me about his condom mishap. It would seem to me that by using that logic, you could blame him for all this," he said holding his arms up indicating the hospital situation. Things happen and work out the way do. Sometimes, it's a beautiful thing, sometimes we have to work harder to find the allure.

"Liam is here, because you and Jay found something together and that something led to the birth of an amazing person, a person whose life I was grateful to be a part of."

"You know him so much better than I do and I'm grateful that you do. Thank you for everything you did for him and Jay." I say as I absorb some of his wisdom. And I'm just too exhausted to continue with my anger.

"It was my pleasure. Probably a pleasure I wouldn't have had if you had stayed."

"You would have. It takes a village. Jay said you kept Pat in his life until he passed away. I'm sorry about what happened to him."

"Thank you. Why don't you come back out and sit down. I will go up and get another update," he said just as his phone rang. "It's the OR."

We both headed back to the waiting area where we waited for the news.

Jay

I had lost all sense of time. I was aware of people talking to me, putting their hands on my shoulder, giving me words of support, but I hadn't been able to capture any of their goodwill. I know I would have missed it if the waiting room had been empty, but its presentation still somehow felt empty. I could feel Emma next to me, a bundle of nerves, all sharp corners and edges. My thoughts had been everywhere and back. My recent conversation with Kyle screaming in my ear. How could I have not made him talk to me? He would pull the same crap when he was a kid and I would ask, beg and then eventually demand that he open up. I just needed to be tougher about it. It didn't matter that he was an adult, he was still my son, and son's didn't die before their fathers.

I didn't know what or how to feel when he decided to become a cop. I had thought going to college might dissuade his initial decision to follow in my footsteps. He had stated his desire to join the force when he was ten and I thought he would let it go—find something more interesting, less stressful and time consuming. I had assumed that as he watched my career nibble away at me and therefore him, he would see it as less than ideal. But he didn't. He never let go of the idea and plunged in without looking back and now he was in surgery, bruised and broken—and dying.

When I came back from Afghanistan, I knew my employment choices were few. I needed action, constant movement. Swirling thoughts and adrenaline rushes were a daily necessity and I feared what I would do if I didn't have them. Part of me wished that I could have backed off when I became a single father, but it was too deeply embedded inside and I would self-destruct if I wasn't surrounded by constant motion.

Despite everything I had lived through—raised in a household that held many difficult moments, experiencing the depravity of war and all the transgressions that took place here at home I would have thought that my empathy would have left me long ago, but somehow it hasn't. Helping those that need it and even some that don't, helps get me through the most difficult of days and clearly I have passed that on to my son. It was the very reason he dove into a building that he knew was a deathtrap before he even entered. Did he feel that his world was falling down around him so when it manifested in front of him he had no choice but to take part in its collapse? Or more likely, he needed to save someone since he had been unable to save himself.

Being police and surrounded by tragedy does make one examine their life and realize gratitude is always there if you know what to look for. Sure your kid is being a brat, slammed the door in your face that morning and failed his math test, but you aren't pulling his dead body from a dumpster. You aren't the parent that will open the door to serious-faced detectives that are giving you the worst news you could ever experience, changing your life forever.

Yes, you have worked ridiculous amounts of overtime, but you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge and clothes in your closet.

The relationship you thought would work out, didn't. But you didn't see her caught in the crossfire of a gangland hit and disintegrate in front of you. Life is relative and your bad day doesn't compare to what you left behind when you clocked out.

I was surprised when Emma had shoved her cup of coffee into my hand and ran off, it was almost as if I had forgotten she was even there; or had any stake in the matter. Her return to Chicago had been unexpected and to say I was surprised was more than an understatement. We took things slow, getting reacquainted one day at a time. I found an immediate ease with her that I hadn't expected. She and her brother Liam, who had come over with her had found a small apartment to share as he had found immediate work down at the docks. After Liam went to the police academy she moved into his old bedroom. Then one thing led to the next. There were days that it felt as if she had never left. Then there were days I could only brace for a betrayal that I feared was coming. I kept asking myself how something that felt so right, could be so complicated. But complicated it was, both of us tentative and uncertain. And then as if the world knew we need assistance, her visa was flagged with an issue. Her initial time allowed in the country was up and she hadn't realized that it was expiring. She would have to return to Ireland and apply again. So instead, we got married. We did it all wrong, casually telling Liam as if it were no big deal. But it was a big deal and he appeared genuinely confused and hurt by our decision. Something I didn't expect or take into account. He was a man now and for some reason, figured he could just deal with whatever came his way. It had been a quick Justice of the Peace wedding, no ceremony, nothing memorable. It may have been our choice, but it certainly wasn't fair to him. He had tried to cover up his emotions, and to this day I still have no idea what they were, but I could still tell he had been upset by our actions.

I hadn't given my son a thought in my decision to ask Emma to marry me and I should have, even if it wouldn't have made a difference in the end, he deserved to be a part of the equation—to at least be considered. But, clearly the fact that I still think of him as my son as opposed to our son, showed that despite our efforts, things still weren't normal, or maybe even that great.

Liam had graduated the academy, started working a beat. He got an apartment in River North as soon as he had a few paychecks stashed away and slowly pulled away from us—from me. Even when he was in college, he still lived with me but his time was more precious, but we made sure to have enough of it for each other. We called and texted, we sat and watched TV together, we were as we had always been. We clinked beer bottles together, we talked about our days, he would ask me for advice, he would wonder out loud if he would be a good cop. I made it so that he always knew I was there; until the day I wasn't. I had been so busy getting back what I had lost in the past that I hadn't realized what I was losing in the present.

I looked up as Will hung up the phone and waved the remaining crowd closer around him. "He is out of surgery. It went as well as could be expected. They were able to repair his spleen so it remained intact. One of his lungs was punctured and several ribs are broken. They found where he had been bleeding in his intestines and got that taken care of, he lost several feet of bowel but his blood pressure is finally stable."

Cheers went up as relief spread through the room, but as I looked at my brother it took me back to when Liam was nine, with a pneumonia and he wore the same look.

"But?" I ask just as I had back then. "There's a but, isn't there?"

"He lost a lot of blood. Blood is what carries the oxygen throughout our bodies and because he had been bleeding and his blood pressure was so low for quite a substantial amount of time—well, we don't know how it may have affected his brain. He may be absolutely fine, with no loss of cognitive function."

"Or he may not know his own name," I say, my voice weighed down by my fears.

"I doubt it would be that severe." Will assured but I could see the fear and tension in his face.

"But you don't know," I reply.

"When will we find out?" Kyle asks.

"When he wakes up," Danny supplies.

"Yes, when he wakes up." Will agreed. "I can take two people up to see him briefly. He needs his rest."

I step forward as both Kyle and Emma do. There is no doubt that I will be at my son's bedside but I really am not sure who should be at my side.

"Sorry," Kyle says quickly. "I—you, of course," he babbles to Emma as he steps backwards.

"No. You're right Kyle. It should be you. Jay can fill me in," she says as she turns and heads towards the doors to outside.

"I'm sorry," Kyle immediately says but I only smile at him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Let's go," I nod and we follow Will to the elevator.

To be continued...

Soundtrack:

Beverly Glenn-Copeland - River Dreams (Official Audio)

Seo Linn - Óró Sé do Bheatha Bhaile

UNSECRET - TEAR IT ALL APART (FEAT. MATTHEW PERRYMAN JONES) UNSECRET - The Reckoning (feat. Matthew Perryman Jones)