Sunshine and Lemons part V
If you ever wondered what Liam might say to his mother concerning all of his frustrations at her disappearance...wonder no more.
Emma
My son hated me. All that I had sacrificed came back to me in the most haunting of ways. It would seem that we destroy what we love the most. Since Liam couldn't stay by himself for at least a few weeks after leaving the hospital, Jay insisted that he live with us during that time. We moved Josh into Jenna's room and set Liam up in the now vacant bedroom. The kids loved having him there and were much more gentle with him than I thought they were capable of. They took him food and drinks and read to him, thrilled that his injuries were improving.
He had had a discussion with them saying they were heroes and had saved him this time. After their talk, both of the kids seemed to be less clingy and a little more confident, which I imagine was what had been Liam's plan in giving them some strength and power back into their lives.
With Jay's schedule as hectic as it had always been I had taken time off in order to be at home to assist with Liam, but he only pushed me away, putting up walls whenever and wherever he could. Will managed a few days of vacation and came over allowing me to escape from the deafening and awkward silence that my son had enshrouded me with.
But that break was weeks ago and though Liam was coming along well, Jay was hesitant to let him return to his own house where he would be alone twenty-four/seven. They had discussed it the other night, their voices beginning to get loud when I stepped in to quiet them down. Despite the fact that he was alone in the morning to mid-afternoon, it was clear that Liam wanted to go home and Jay still wasn't comfortable with it.
It made me wonder just how protective Jay was while Liam was growing up. How did everything that he witnessed while on duty affect his parenting? I would realize on a daily basis just how little I knew about Liam's childhood. When I first returned, we spoke more, both telling me stories and memories. The good ones anyway. But after a time they slowed, even when I would ask. Once the twins came around, Liam basically disengaged from any type of relationship that we had attempted to build. Or maybe, I was the only one that had been building anything.
I kept thinking that I should have never come back, not now, not in the past. My brother could have relayed the news of my fake death without me, but I insisted on coming. I had just wanted Jay and Liam to have some kind of closure but instead, I gave them a gaping wound. My selfishness won out over and over again. I wanted to stay just a bit longer after my brother had met with Jay and told him of my un-death—like the un-birthday in Alice in Wonderland. I wanted to be close to them, even if I was miles away, this was the closest I had been in so many years, I just couldn't tear myself away. Would I ever stop tumbling down this rabbit hole?
I would walk my old routes through the city, trying to absorb the past and hold onto it for the future—the future where I would be alone. I thought of my days pushing Liam in the stroller, holding his hand as we crossed the street and taking him to his first day of kindergarten.
Why didn't I just leave all those years ago? I overstayed my welcome, Jay ended up finding me, the look on his face still haunts me to this day, as he stood in the doorway at the hotel. But he would have kept the secret—my secret. Jay would have carried that burden for his son—our son. Liam would have believed I was dead, turned the page and moved on with his life. But instead I sentenced him to a life where I was a constant reminder of rejection and betrayal.
But now he was an adult and no longer that anxious ten year old, greedy for my attention that day when he dragged me to the L and didn't want to let me go. I let him go and expected him to want me back after he had finally successfully built a wall that he believed would solve all of his problems.
When you're young you lay awake staring up at the ceiling, or if you're lucky, you look up at the stars. You plan out your future and how perfect it will be. It will all be a straight line and go exactly as you expect. You use the fire that you are certain is within you to make your life better—to make your children's lives better, because you surely won't do to them what was done to you—until you do—until you use that fire from within you to burn those that you care about.
"Would you like some lunch before your appointment?" I ask as I snap out of my thoughts and Liam makes his way to the kitchen table.
"I had a sandwich before you got here," he says, though there is no evidence of this anywhere in the kitchen.
"You need to eat," I begin.
"I'm well aware. I ate. I'm fine," he replies brusquely.
"I know you want to go home. But your father thinks another week is needed."
"I heard him, after all we were talking to each other."
"I supposed you did then," I tell him as I look over at an extensive map of Ireland that Liam had made for a geography project in high school. I sit and look at him as he studies some paperwork that Kyle had dropped off the night before. When I left, he had been an adorable child, and had turned into a gorgeous adult, I would even describe him as exquisite. Of course, I was his mother so I didn't take much convincing, but when I first saw him, he took my breath away. Everything that shone about Jay and myself had come together perfectly in Liam's likeness.
I stared at him as he studied his papers. He had been blond with strawberry highlights, but it had turned into a golden, bronze, auburn mane. He had the James' eyes, blue through and through. He had Jay's athletic body. Amazing bone structure charted his face. Orthodontia had given him the perfect smile. He was perfect—except for the fact that he seemingly had wanted to die.
"Can you stop staring at me," he tells me without looking up from his papers, feeling my gaze.
"I'm so glad you took interest in our heritage," I say nodding at the map, framed and hung the wall and I wonder if he remembers me singing his favorite lullaby to him when he was young. The lyrics dance in my head, winding their way through my memory; "I'll fly for you,My child, my son Sweet dreams to you My only one I'll fly for you My child, my son Sweet dreams, my only one." It was an old Irish tune, haunting but somehow fitting for us. He would fade away with each word until he was asleep.
He turns and looks behind him where the map is hung. "It was Dad's heritage too. That's why I did it. I don't even know where you're from."
Shut down again. This is how it had gone between us for a long time now. After his initial surprise and excitement at my return, he began to pull away. When Jay told him we were getting married, he merely nodded. I know he tried to act happy, but I was certain it was only for his father's benefit.
"Did you know that your grandmother was Scottish?"
"What?" He asks as he looks up from his papers.
"My mother was actually from Scotland. Glasgow. Her last name had been MacGregor, not Murphy. My father had her change it so she would appear to have Irish lineage."
"Is that right?" He murmurs, looking back down, his interest fleeting.
"Of course she had a Scottish accent, but on paper it looked good. And he just said she had been raised there, but her roots were there—all they way back to who knows when. It was kind of like a monarchy thing, wed one family member to another family to keep the peace or create a stronger business." I glance over to see that Liam hasn't even bothered to look up this time.
"When I was around thirteen there had been some issues at home so we left for a bit. We went to the Scottish Highlands. They have these hills called Munro's and I loved to climb them and just stand at the top and feel the wind cleanse everything that was wrong. I had never felt freer than when I was standing at the top of those hills. There was one," I stop, remembering, " it was called Beinn Alligin from the Scottish Gaelic, it meant Jeweled Hill, I think it had two peaks. But eventually things cleared up and my father wanted to go back to Dublin. My father generally got everything he wanted." I say, realizing that women everywhere sacrifice so much, so often that it mostly goes unnoticed. Liam refuses to see my side of our separation, my fears, my reasons. The fact that love was the source of my departure. He can only see what he lost, but not what he gained—a safer life, a great relationship with his father. I doubt I'll ever be able to make see beyond his loss.
"Like you," Liam says while slamming his papers down quickly enough to make my bangs flutter. "You got what you wanted, which didn't include me."
"I did what I thought was best—best for you and your father." I stammer at his sudden anger, realizing that my most recent thought was indeed true.
"Did you now," he begins, finally giving me his attention. "You left me with a man that you knew worked long hours, and was routinely in harms way. Will wasn't around yet and you knew that Dad and his father didn't get along. You left me all alone to cry when he didn't come home, to try and understand his moods when he did come home. He tried to protect me, but he had to shoulder it all. I wasn't the easiest kid to raise, and part of that was because of you. I hated you for leaving, but since you weren't here I took it out on him, because guess what?! He was here. But as you have experienced, he works—a lot."
Liam was right, I had noticed after moving in with Jay that his hours were long and as hard as he tried to leave his day behind him, it didn't always stay where he wanted it. The time I was alone with the twins, made me realize that Liam would have been with a sitter. It was a soul crushing realization.
"What did you think would have happened to me if he had been killed?"
"Your grandfather—" I began.
"Was old," he finished. "He died when I was eight. You didn't know Will was going to come back to Chicago."
"Even if he didn't, they would have found him." I try.
Liam just huffs and shakes his head. "You have the family now that you always wanted, the twins fill the void that had been me. And you pulled Dad into your world, you knew that he could never let you go. He was with other women of course, but even I could see he was never quite in love with them. He wanted to be, but he just couldn't quite go there. Even with you gone, he couldn't do it.
"I would being doing fine and then bam, a piece of you would return. You came back when I was ten, I found your letter when I was fifteen. Just reminders that we weren't good enough for you to stay."
"I left because I didn't want to lose you."
"But don't you see that you did, it's exactly what you did."
"I was afraid for you, you learned why. It wasn't safe."
"I think you left because it was easier for you than sticking around. Because walking away, was the easiest way for you to deal with it. Because staying and trying to have relationship and raise a child was too hard for you.
"I've seen mothers die next to their children, because that's where they wanted to be until the end. There was no other place for them but near their children. They refused to leave them, even when it spelled disaster, because they couldn't bear to know that their children were lost and alone. That's sacrifice.
"I'm pissed because you replaced me so easily, because you trapped Dad. Sure he married you to keep you in the country, but once the twins came, you knew that no matter what happened he would stay with you or try a hell of a lot harder to stay.
"I'm angry because you think you're the only one that sacrificed—but you have no idea what sacrifice is."
I sat and listened as my son told me everything that he had held onto since he was five years old. It came pouring out of him like an erupting volcano.
"I don't even have any memories of you anymore—did you know that? From back when I was young—none, just me and Dad. It's like you were a story or a dream that I can no longer remember."
I tell him I'm sorry because I don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm drowning him. That I am an all encompassing shadow taking away his oxygen, leaving a mere desiccated shell behind. I came back believing that somehow it would be a good thing. That all the pain and hurt would somehow be left in the past. I had given up everything to protect them and now—now it seemed that all those years alone and in places that weren't home and didn't fit the way the UK and Chicago did—were a painful waste.
Jay had seemed so accepting that I didn't even realize that while we were growing closer, Liam was pulling away. Now, he seemingly couldn't get enough distance. But while he was rejecting me, he was also avoiding his father and the beautiful relationship that they had built was beginning to fracture and that devastated me even more.
"I have an appointment," Liam says as he gets up, wincing as he turns his body.
"I know. I came home, so I could take you."
"How? Dad has the car."
"No, he was picked up so we could have the car."
"I'm fine." He assures, but it lacks conviction.
"You can't take the L or bus."
"Why not? I'm better. But I called for an Uber."
"You don't have a phone yet," I remind him.
"I used yours. It was on the counter. I'll pay you back."
"No worries. But how will you get home?"
"I'll figure it out," he tells me.
"Just let me take you."
"NO!" He yells smacking his hand on the table, making me jump in my chair. "Why did you even have me?" he asks as he turns and stares at me. "You had me so you could love me enough to give me everything I needed, making me believe it was okay—then poof—you're gone. Was that the plan? You knew your family—so why the hell did you get pregnant and have a baby if you knew you would only end up abandoning me?"
I had been listening and accepting his diatribe—happy to at least know what he had been feeling but not saying, but suddenly I felt defensive. It's not all on me—it takes two to make a baby."
"No shit. But Dad didn't know of your diabolical family and the risk of you disappearing."
"Well, your father is the one who failed to use the condom," I state, my voice tight. Liam just looks at me as if everything he had ever known was a lie and we both seem to deflate like an old balloon. I hate myself even more than I already had and I fear our relationship has just been reduced to ashes.
"I'm leaving," he says as he walks away his words both falling hard and hanging in the air at the same time. "I'm not coming back tonight. I can stay at my own place. Think of me as taking a trip. Maybe I'll come back, but maybe I won't."
He got up and went over to where his shoes sat by the door. He gave them a gentle kick over by the ottoman where he slowly sat down. I had followed him into the room and watched from a distance upset with myself for telling him yet one more family secret—one that wasn't fully mine to share. He sees that I have followed him and shakes his head in frustration, or disgust, or anger, or perhaps all three. Maybe he wasn't even sure what he is feeling anymore.
"Actually I do have one memory of our time together, but only one. One!" He shouts. "I was waving goodbye, saying bye bye, because Dad had reminded me to. I don't know when it was—if it was the last time I saw you or a year before that. But somehow it seems so fitting that it be the one thing that I recall."
The corners of my eyes were moist and I had no idea what to say that would make anything better so I remained quiet for a moment. But I still wasn't sure that he could manage on his own, he could maneuver on the stairs, but our biggest fear was that he would fall and nobody would be there to help him. He hadn't replaced his phone and there was no way that Jay would let him be alone without at least a phone for an emergency. He grunted in pain as he bent over to put his shoes on and I automatically reached for him. "Let me help you. Please, just let me help." I beg.
"I don't need your help," he says as he glares at me, " you didn't help me when I needed it, when I wanted it. I sure as hell don't want it now when I don't." He snaps as he turns to leave. He stops at the door as I walk towards him, "just don't," he begins as he looks back at me. " I can't fucking breathe when you're around me," he yells. "So just don't!" he walks out the door, leaving his angry words swirling around, settling so very deeply in my heart.
I watch him leave and last ten seconds before the sobs come.
Soundtrack:
Anita Lester || "You Want it Darker" Quiet Hollers - Mont BlancLori Lie Low- Patty Gurdy
Shireen - SO HUMAN OF YOU Jared James Nichols - Nails in the Coffin