Putting the Pieces Together part III

Zero by Indianola

Hailey had been having a tough time as anyone could imagine. In the space of only a few days she lost her husband and step-son. She could still feel Jay around her, he lingered in the bed that still held his scent, the side that she didn't use because it was his. She could still taste him on her lips if she concentrated enough. But it was all fleeting and despite her best efforts to hold onto it, it was like holding onto the morning fog, burning off with each passing minute.

The apartment held the memories of game night, movie night, and arguments over homework. She was working all the overtime she could get to avoid the emptiness of the place whether or not she got paid for it. She had a hard time sleeping in the bed alone preferring to snooze most nights in her car while working. In the apartment she would stare at the door leading to Liam's room. Every so often she would go inside and just stand there. He hadn't taken much so it still looked like he lived there. She had stripped the bed but then remade it and tidied up a bit and then stood there as if she was waiting for him to walk in the door and drop his backpack in the middle of the room. She knew he and Jay were alive and well, but the grief of their loss was as heavy as if they had died.

Jay had stayed quiet, rarely texting or calling. He sent money to help cover the rent, but contact was rather minimal. He claimed work was busy and he was taking time to focus on his son, but she knew his silence was due more to the fact that either he didn't know what to say or had nothing to say, and she didn't know which one was worse. Liam texted her several times a week, but rarely spoke of Jay. He would send her pictures of the dog, the nearby scenery, selfies, but none of his father. She figured he was trying to protect her. She realized she hadn't given the boy enough credit in the past as he was far more mature than she had originally thought him to be or that he should have to be.

Hailey still couldn't wrap her head around their departure. When he had told her he was leaving she thought it had to be a joke. There was no way he would leave her, leave the city. He mentioned Bolivia and her first thought was he was going to leave Liam as well, but he quickly explained how South America wasn't an option for that very reason. But how was upstate New York an option? How could he tell her that in forty-eight hours her whole life would be so different? How could he not even give her a part in the conversation or the decision making? If he needed something new, there were a million jobs in Chicago he could have taken. So what was really behind his need to relocate.

Things had been going so well. He had done so much to protect her with FBI situation. In fact it felt as if they had grown closer. But maybe once that euphoria had worn off, the victory had turned into something else. Maybe that had been the beginning of the end, instead of the beginning of their lives together. But things felt typical during the early summer. They had found a good rhythm. Even Liam had let his shield down and began to include her in his conversations and adventures. He had started asking her permission to do things instead of waiting for his father. And for the most part if she had to tell him no, he stopped having a complete meltdown. Jay supported her when it came to Liam, and she really thought they were shoring up their little family. Then, overnight it fell apart.

Well, actually in hindsight there were signs before then. Jay would stay later at work, when she saw no reason behind it. He would be gone early in the morning. She would find his spot in bed empty and would go to the kitchen to find Liam getting ready for school, saying Jay had already left.

He also had been quieter than usual. More absent than ever and wouldn't talk about why. She could tell Liam was aware of it, but the boy didn't offer any ideas and she didn't feel right about asking him. She would reach out and Jay would rebuff her. She would remind him she was there for him, but he would simply walk away. And she had no idea what was driving his actions. How could she fix anything when she didn't know what the problem was. How could this all slip away so easily? And since it did would he fight to keep what they had built together, despite how small it had ended up being? Jay had said before he left that she was love of his life, but as the days passed and silence thickened, she wasn't so sure she believed that anymore. She began to think the love of his life had left years ago and he tried to make himself believe that wasn't true. He never spoke of Emma, not since they had gotten together, but Hailey felt as if she was always in the shadows. She knew of course that Jay and Erin had been serious at one time, but it hadn't worked out. Even then was he trying to move on from a relationship he just couldn't let go? His and Emma's relationship had been a bizarre one, fraught with things unknown to Hailey, and possibly even unknown to Jay. Hailey knew that the love between Jay and Emma was bigger than the both of them, so profound it could never be contained in the box they had attempted to keep it in. Without allowing it the breadth it needed, it poured, dripped and streamed into every crevice and crack of their lives. Then and now. Not to be ignored, it had burst so much, that it had produced a child, a child that meant everything to Jay, and a child that tethered them together forever. A love that despite the time and miles that separated them, would never die, not completely.

She had found a picture in his dresser when she was putting laundry away earlier that year. It was tangled up in a pair of underwear at the bottom of his drawer. The shot showed a very young Liam sitting with his mother as he played in the sandbox. It had certainly been taken with a high-powered telephoto lens, much like the ones they used on stakeouts. It was also obviously taken by someone with a steady and practiced hand. Emma was centered and in focus, and clearly had no idea she was being photographed. You could see the shade of her hair, the blue in her eyes. The same blue of Liam's eyes. Until then Hailey had no idea what Emma had looked like, but once she held the photo it had suddenly become intimate, and she didn't care for it at all. He had kept this picture for seven years if she had guessed Liam's age correctly from the picture. He had never mentioned it and if he had kept it for Liam then why was it in his drawer and not in Liam's possession. She had to believe if Liam had a copy that he would have placed it prominently in his room. Or maybe that just hurt too much so he never wanted the photo. But apparently Jay did and couldn't let go of it, even now. Jay may have very well-loved Hailey with much of his heart, but not all of it. There was only one woman who held it completely and it wasn't her. Or maybe her imagination was running away from her. But in reality Jay had run away from her.

Two years ago, with Jay's blessing she had reached out to her international contacts. She discovered a history that held nothing but violence. Emma's statements of a family steeped in darkness and viciousness had been spectacularly accurate. The last word was that her father, the patriarch of the clan had been killed in some type of explosion. A daughter had gone missing and was presumed dead. However, she and Jay both knew that Emma was alive and well, and forever on the periphery of their lives.

Did she think Jay was with her? Absolutely not, at least not physically. But at the same time, she believed he was always with her. Every moment with his son, traced back to her whether he realized it or not.

She went back to the night when she found Jay, covered in blood, staring into the distance. Voight had repeated his name over and over with no response and each second that he was lost terrified her. But then he was back, but not completely; a piece of him had stayed adrift. She could see he wasn't recovering like he always had in the past. He didn't seem interested in anything around him—the game that they all played; catch the bad guys any way you can and then move on. The moral code they seemed to live by, doing the wrong thing for the right reason. She knew he had been worrying about Liam. They seemed to strengthen their relationship when they were in Michigan, but it seemed to be slipping with each night that Jay didn't come home. He would occasionally call out his son's name in his sleep and it left her wondering what he saw in his dreams. She began to feel like an outsider in her own home.

The thoughts went through her head over and over again. She couldn't seem to hit stop or even pause. She would replay their last weeks and days. She wasn't sure what exactly she was trying to find. The abruptness of the departure, undoubtedly hinged on opportunity, but also desperation. A desperation she hadn't been able to see or accept until it was too late. The last moments together where he spoke of black and white, right and wrong, that nothing made sense to him anymore. She could not only see the raw honesty but could feel it as well. It had a depth that couldn't be denied. He needed leave as if his entire being depended on it—most likely because it did. And she was grateful that at least he still had the ability to recognize that fact.

She had thought about moving. Finding a smaller place until they came back. Or finding something in Bucktown, the neighborhood Liam had loved. But she spent too much time working to really put any effort into it. And rentals were hard to come by. With her overtime and Jay's contributions she could stay in the current apartment with no worries—at least about housing. Even though there was heartbreak in every corner of the place. A puzzle half-finished sat on the table. It was of a Halloween scene that Liam had chosen. They had been working on it together in the evenings as they waited for Jay to come home. She didn't have the heart to either put it away or work on it alone. She wondered if Liam had started a puzzle in his new home. If Jay was helping with it. He would sit with them for a few minutes, and then wander off, leaving it to her and Liam to work on. But maybe now, in a new place, back in his solo parenting role, he has decided to sit down and fit a bunch of tiny pieces together. Unfortunately right now, all she had was empty chairs at an empty table.

She did keep the picture of the three of them on the nightstand. And the picture of Liam and Jay, candidly smiling as they were looking at something in the distance, sat on her desk at work. She had to have hope that they would return, or she just wouldn't be able to get through each day in one piece. She knew Trudy was worried about her and though she said she was fine, they both knew she was lying. Trudy told her that she missed Jay as well as Liam who she would banter with whenever he came by the district.

She couldn't sit at home. She just couldn't sit and stare at the walls and wonder what Jay and Liam were doing. It was too quiet. If she texted Liam in the evening, he almost always responded quickly, but she didn't like putting him in the middle, if that is in fact what she was doing. She never asked about Jay, just how the boy was doing. She didn't want him to think that he had lost her, because she couldn't bear to lose him too. She took it one day at a time, because to look further would be beyond her capabilities. But as each day stretched before her, she realized it took too long to end and that she couldn't continue this roller coaster for eight months and it wasn't fair that she had to. She knew Jay loved her, but would it be enough. Deep down she feared neither his love for her or hers for him would ultimately get them through this. And right now her love and anger were coiled as one and she didn't which one was stronger.

As she sat at work when her struggle was at epic proportions and her fatigue right behind it, as she chased down Sean O'Neal, and every other excuse that would keep her on her feet and running, she opened her email and saw one heading that actually made her smile for the first time in a very long time. She read it to herself and then shared it with the rest of the unit.

Hi Hailey and everyone!

I asked Dad and he said I could write you guys an e-mail. He said any time I wanted to. We're doing well. He had a big bust of carfentanil coming across the border last week. His first of many I'm sure. I think the head honcho was impressed, because they couldn't decipher what he did to figure out when and where it was coming across.

He's like the big detective in the office so that's cool. He gets to delegate stuff and is home on time most nights. We even cook dinner together.

We've been hiking a few times. There's mountains and a big lake nearby. Nothing like Lake Michigan but it's still pretty cool. They say there is some kind of monster in there and the older kids have watch parties looking for it, but I think they just party.

We've gone to Vermont and even New Hampshire. We're going to go to Montreal in a couple of weeks for a long weekend. Then there is Maine and Boston and New York City too. I'm going to have ski lessons and play pond hockey. And Dad says after we explore it all, we'll do it again.

Max, he goes to college here and plays hockey, hangs out with me sometimes when Dad is really, really late or has to stay in Canada overnight. He bought me a Montreal Canadien's jersey. Most around here are Montreal fans. He's going to help me learn the moves I'll need to play hockey outside. It's just for fun, but if I'm any good, maybe I'll try out for the organized team.

I attached some pictures of us hiking and our dog. Yep, the old man let me get a dog. She is so cool and super sweet. She likes to give kisses, snuggle and run around the yard. Oh and throw her toys up in the air.

I've made some friends and hang out with a girl named Marcy a lot. We ride our bikes and go to the library, even though it's super small, it's still okay. I can ride my bike from one end of the city to the other. It's just weird that the town runs out after only a few miles. But I do get to be out on my own much more than in Chicago so that is awesome.

I miss you guys, we both do. And we miss the city. But Dad is around a lot more and I love that.

You can email me or text me anytime. I hope you are doing well.

Love Liam

Kevin nodded his head and smiled. He had texted Liam several times and was happy the boy was doing so well. He missed the excursions they used to take and all the times he had been used as a human jungle gym when the kid was younger. He missed Jay's presence. The great advice he would get and the knowledge he could glean.

Kim brushed away a tear as she pictured Liam sitting at the computer typing his email. He always brought such great energy to the room whenever he was around. She still had the bracelet he had made her a couple of years ago. It had worn thin, but she kept it in her drawer. She missed Jay terribly. He was an amazing help when she adopted Makayla and needed constant advice has how to be a single parent and balance the job.

Adam sighed and closed his eyes. Jay had helped him so much when he came to the unit. Helped him understand how everything worked. And Liam had always been a bright spot. Makayla had a huge crush on him and he was always so sweet with her, despite their age difference. She constantly asked if he was coming back for a visit.

Dante appreciated Jay more than most. If not for him, he wouldn't be sitting there. Jay had faith in him when others felt he wasn't worth the effort. He had met Liam once and father and son were a force to be reckoned with. He could only wish for a relationship like that with his own father. He had an aunt who claimed to see auras and he imagined that both Halstead's had amazing ones.

Especially Me by Low

Hailey finished reading the email and was suddenly quiet. The room noticed and seemingly held its breath while she digested the words she had just shared. She was fighting tears, she felt like she was constantly fighting tears. Constantly fighting everything.

It was then that she knew they were never coming back and even if they did nothing would be the same. She had known from her last moments with Jay. It was over, they were over. And now she could feel it through Liam's words and Jay's silence. They had wanted the marriage to work, but it had become clear that his last words to her, as much as he wanted them to be true, weren't. She realized that she had been holding onto something that was already gone.

Jay

I stood on the top of the hill, the wind brushing against my face. Liam was nearby climbing a tree to get a better view as the dog danced at its base watching him. I inhaled a deep and cleansing breath as I tried to take it all in—everything. We had been here for several months, so many that a decision about our future would need to be made soon. I had thought about so much and thought about it over and over again. It reminded me of the merry-go-round that I had pushed Liam on during our last days in Chicago.

Not long after we moved I came across the t-shirt, size six. Much too small for Liam, after all had outgrown it several years before. But it had been his favorite. He wore it so often it had faded and become silky soft. I'm not sure why I had kept it and I'm not sure why in the limited space of moving did I choose to bring it along. But I had. It was navy blue and had trophy on the front and it said Reading is for Winners. He had received it as an achievement award for being one of the top readers in the library summer reading program. It was the top prize. He knew that he was going to earn some kind of award, but wasn't sure which one and he had quietly hoped it would be the t-shirt.

Ellie had taken him down for the little ceremony, she had texted me that he was so excited, which meant I should try and be there. She rarely ever called me out on my lengthy work hours, but would subtly encourage me to take time out for my son. And this day I had. I made my way into the children's area just the librarian called out Liam's name for being one of the top readers and handed him the coveted t-shirt. I saw him reach out and take it and turn back and show Ellie. Then he looked over and saw me and couldn't keep his enthusiasm from his feet, running over to me waving his prize. "I did it Daddy," he had said as I picked him up. The look in his eyes, the excitement at seeing me, seized me in ways that nearly took my breath away. It was that moment that I realized I was his everything. I was his everything and yet each day I had put myself in potentially dangerous and deadly situations. If I was his everything, how could he have not been my everything.

We are all born with a moral compass of some sort, an ethical code of conscience. It is stronger in some than in others. And in some I suppose it is barely noticeable. I had prided myself that mine was strong, steady, until it wasn't. I had begun to stray and wasn't even aware, but what was worse as that I continued to stray even after I was aware. I had begun to pay too high a price living in that world. But my son, who had always paid a high price for my mistakes had fallen too close to being a victim. A victim of the world that I thought I was saving.

I wish I had known him when he was young—and of course I had, but not really. I had missed nearly everything. And even worse, I had no idea. Not until we moved and I got to know him, really know him. We had a foundation and it had been a good one, a strong one, but it had been just that, an institution. I knew the 'what' in his life, but I hadn't know the 'why'. I knew what he liked or didn't like, but not why he liked or despised it. And in all reality, I didn't even know all the what's. I had fed him meat for five years having no idea he hardly ate it. That he would collect it in a napkin and throw it out. Or why he was afraid to tell me. Or why he failed to tell me Walker North had been following him when I asked. But now I realize it was because he was protecting me; something he had no right to do and something I should have understood but once again failed to notice.

But now I know his favorite color is blue, because it's cool and his favorite foods are pizza and spaghetti because they're delicious. He only likes black socks, because white is for dorks and gray isn't much better. His favorite song changes on a weekly basis, but I learn what it is each time. I know his first kiss happened after going skating with Marcy in November. His favorite season is fall. He loves to ice skate more than he likes to swim. He has a somewhat decent slap shot. His favorite animal, besides Win, are elephants, but really he loves them all.

I know what book he is reading and what is happening in it as I ask for a synopsis of what the previous chapters were about as I drive him to school. We discuss it in depth and both learn from each other. I ask him serious questions that have serious answers.

I have come to realize that working on a thousand piece puzzle isn't as mundane as I originally thought, as it begs for conversation, and placing each piece marks a small victory. In some ways it is a metaphor for life, take it one piece at a time, don't force it and try to look at the big picture. And take pride with each small victory, because they do add up to something in the end.

I watched as he grew two inches, his face lost its roundness and his cheekbones appeared. I heard his voice deepen ever so slightly. It would have happened with or without me, but I am so damn glad I was witness to it.

I have also learned how kids at his age can be full of fluffy exuberance one minute and an annoying unreasonable nightmare the next. But it often takes very little time to go back their brash and animated selves, especially if they want something.

We both miss the city and when we need an urban fix we head to Montreal or Boston. We love to hike and are enjoying our first Northeastern spring. He is independent, strong, loving, and an inspiration. I am only saddened by the fact that it has taken me his lifetime to see him for who he truly is: a daring, brilliant, magnificent kid who I am beyond proud to call my son.

Setting Sun by Miracle of Sound

I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to realize the burden that I had been carrying for years had gotten so heavy that I could barely lift it. If I couldn't handle the weight, how could I hold myself up? And if I couldn't hold myself up, how could I carry my son? I had just been too scared to see who I wanted to be, but I know now. But I also have to stop punishing myself for a past that I cannot change.

Our future is in the present and the choice of what to do is mine as much as I want to believe that it is ours. I haven't asked Liam his opinion on our future and before you judge me for that let me explain why. If I ask whether he wants to stay here, go back to Chicago or try a new location, he will feel the pressure to make a decision that has no right answer. If the past is any indicator, he will try and choose what he believes I will want, but even I don't know what that is. But whether we stay or go, if it doesn't work out perfectly, he will blame himself. If I don't seem happy enough, successful enough, he will blame himself. If he doesn't do well and thinks I'm worried due to that fact, he will blame himself. So the bottom line is, I will not allow him to shoulder that responsibility and burden. I will choose and he will go along with it and no matter what happens, any fault will land with me. It's time that I play the adult in our relationship.

I think of Hailey and how I have a damaged a relationship I had no business being in. I had no intention of hurting her. Our marriage just wasn't meant to be and should have never happened. It had come about on the trail of personal adversity, she was reaching out blindly for support and of course I gave it to her. I cared for her deeply, and yes I had loved her, nearly sacrificed everything for her. But then I discovered that once life had become routine, my love had not. It was not her fault, it was mine. She is a wonderful person and deserves so much better. I had asked her to wait for me, and that was an unfair demand. I don't know which was harder, asking her to wait for me or telling her she no longer had to. The irony hadn't escaped me, that I had been the one left behind in a relationship and now I had done the same to Hailey.

Lady in Black by Ken Hensley

Emma, of course had trailed us here, just as I thought she might. But her presence wasn't nearly as strong. However, I knew that we could never outrun her. I tried to leave the emptiness behind, I really did. I had loved other women, more than a couple, to varying degrees, but they weren't Emma and I could only focus on that fact. As much as I tried, she remained front and center in my heart and mind.

If I had only tried harder. Showed my true desire and emotions, maybe she would have trusted me enough to tell me of her past and the fears that consumed her. If she just could of told me, maybe we could have figured something out, assured her that we would be safe. That I could protect her and Liam from anything. I had come to understand her concern after I had learned about her history, but her decision to leave had caused us all to suffer. If I had doubted her pain, her visit five years later had erased any ambiguity that I might have had.

That night I found her in the hotel room, I had nearly fallen apart. My heart had pounded so hard, I truly thought it might explode. When I rebuffed her advances, it wasn't because I didn't want to sleep with her, but because if I had, I knew I wouldn't be able to let her go. I often thought of our last real night together when Liam was five. I had brought him home from our weekend visit and she had told me that she would be leaving for an extended time and I would need to take full custody of Liam. When we shared her bed it felt so magical and neverending. I had tried not to fall asleep as I held her, but of course I had. And in the morning, I knew deep down that would be our last time together. She had given up everything to keep us safe. And I had given up a future that I still mourn today.

The last day I saw her after she and Liam had briefly reunited and gone on their adventure, I could barely breathe. Our last touch was when I handed her his school picture, was as if a jolt of electricity went through me. When I looked past her tears, I knew she had felt it as well. I had held onto Liam so tightly, because if I hadn't, I would have never been able to turn around and go home. As I held him those last moments in the gangway, we never took our eyes off of each other; until we did. I had been so ready to show her how well we were doing without her, but it all dissolved in an instant. Then all I wanted was her to be back in our lives, but it was clear that wasn't going to happen. Liam had struggled with her visit and grieved her absence, but he had no idea just how much I did as well.

Every relationship had its cracks, and ours did as well, but they were so big that we fell right through them. When I came back from my deployment I was scared. Scared of nearly everything; until she pulled me into her world and showed me that it was going to be okay. We kept our distance and focused on Liam, which was easy to do. But in moments of weakness, we connected, and nothing had ever felt so right. And as our moments began to increase, she disappeared. Our relationship had a short expiration date, but that didn't mean it hadn't been real. And that absolute sincerity that we had shared, held so fast that no other woman could ever attain its heights as the pedestal was just too high. There were just mere crumbs of me left behind and I don't know what that held for my future. It was as if I couldn't focus on what was right in front of me, but instead I would tend to the ashes of something that had been too brief and so very long ago.

Liam had been afraid to tell me he spoke to her every night, not aware that I did as well. Brothers in the pain of abandonment. We had more in common that he thought. With fierce love, comes fierce loss. And we have felt a lot of loss. I look back as Liam calls out to me from his perch on a high branch. I had never recalled him climbing a tree before. I tell him to be careful and to start climbing down. He rolls his eyes but obeys. I hear the symphony of branches and newly formed leaves shaking along with his grunts of efforts as he makes his way back down to earth.

I think back to all those years ago, of my last night with Emma before my deployment, the fateful decision I had made. I literally shudder with the thought of where I might be or what I might be if Liam had never been born. That last night I had reached for a condom, but all I had found were empty wrappers. Emma had asked me if everything was okay and I assured it was fine. I had lied to her. She had trusted me and I had let her down. I had never thought much about the bravery she had shown, by going through with a pregnancy all alone, not knowing if I would ever return. She gave birth, alone. Raised him those first months completely alone and another five years as a single mom, enduring most of the care. But somehow she had faith from the beginning that I would rise to the occasion. What made her courage even more astounding was that somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she knew that there was a very strong possibility that this child that she had sacrificed so much for, would be the very same child that she would have to abandon one day. It makes my experiences seem like nothing. A greater gift couldn't have been given to me, and she knew she wouldn't be around to see it.

She had given me the courage to survive my deployment. To overcome the fear of being a father. While I was leaving battle behind, she knew she would have to enter one in order to keep us safe. A battle she feared that I would be unable win on behalf of our family. Our relationship had had such a beautiful beginning and had never really had an ending, it was as if it had just absorbed into the ether. Neither one of us wanted to let go, but she again was the courageous one and pushed Liam and me away from the potential oncoming war and sacrificed herself. I had hated her for what I hadn't been able to understand, but once I had discovered her reasons, they had clung to me in the most unforgiving way. I now had come to understand the desperation, the courage that it took to be the one to leave.

I had recently thought about a trip. I had amassed a decent amount in our savings over the last several months, along with my previous savings. And Will had put money in an account for Liam when he briefly had money from his FBI sting—I had offered to give it back, but he wouldn't hear of it. I could propose a trip to Ireland as a heritage excursion, but Liam wouldn't believe that any more than I did. I imagined that Emma was nowhere near the Emerald Isle, but to see where she came from, the streets she walked on, the homes she might have been inside, could perhaps be some kind of healing salve. And when the trip was over and we left, it would be us saying goodbye, leaving on our terms. Would that heal us or rip the wound open wider?

I try to always look forward, but it is our past that makes us who we are. Our experiences fill in the gaps that our personality allows. We can do everything right, but life and the world can twist us into something we can no longer recognize. I know, because that's where I was. I had refused to see, to feel, because it had all hurt too much. But these last months I have allowed myself to slow down enough to feel, to deal with everything that I hadn't in the past. I hoped it had made me a better person or at the very least a better father. But damn it hurt. Reflection can show you every flaw and failing and then you have to decide what to do with it. But the once bright and loud colors, were now soft and muted, allowing me to gaze at so much that I could only avoid in the past.

I am grateful for the privilege of feeling a profound loss when we left Chicago. I had loved both the city and the many friends that she held. Their absence remains difficult. And I wonder if they all still miss us. But the change has been good. Giving me what I had needed, time and space. And both Liam and I have had the satisfaction of meeting new people, learning a new way of life and doing it together. And now it is about finding the words to say goodbye, but I just have no idea what or where I am saying goodbye to.

As Liam finishes his descent I make my way to a fallen tree that made a nice bench. I sit and continue to gaze at the landscape before me, something I had learned from Liam. Last fall, not long after we had arrived, I discovered him standing in the front yard staring a the few brown leaves attached to a tree. After watching him a minute I inquired as to what he was seeing. "The sunlight is coming in through the leaves, it's cool." He had replied, so I stood next to him and angled my head to see what he was talking about and enjoyed the brief moment of natures beauty. We hadn't been able to smell the spring flowers, but we could admire the fall sunlight.

After a moment I feel my son sit down and lean against me, his thirteen-year-old way of showing affection and I soak it up like a sponge. "So what are we going to do now that your time here is almost up?" He asks me as Win flops down at our feet.

These last months have helped me figure out so much. Put pieces of my soul back where they belonged. Put pieces of the relationship with my son back together. Put much of my sanity back together. But I still find that I need more. I'm silent for a moment as I come to a conclusion. "I was thinking about a trip. They say travel is the best teacher and healer of all. And we've had a good time on our trips."

"Yeah, we have. Where are we going this time?" He asks as he squints into the sunshine.

"How about Ireland?"

"Where Mom was from?" He asks sitting up and pulling back to look at me, the sun highlighting his blond hair, the red highlights glowing.

"Yeah," I tell him, suddenly certain of my decision.

"Then what?"

"Not sure. We'll start there and then see where it takes us."

"What about Win?" He asks me.

"Mrs. Segal, your English teacher loves her. She can take her until we get back." I had taken a bit of an interest in Liam's teacher when she had been over a few times for dinner to discuss Liam's progress in his advanced reading group. She had also taken Win to her house whenever Liam and I took a road trip. She took her on long walks, hikes and to the ice cream shop for pup cups. The dog would be well taken care of in our absence.

"We're coming back here then?"

"At least to get the dog."

"Okay. I can't leave her behind."

"We won't. Not for too long."

"I can't abandon her," he repeats.

"We won't." I know that discarding the dog would break him in so many ways. She was family, and he knew as well as I did, the feeling of someone leaving you behind.

"We know what that feels like." He reminds me.

"We do and we will just be gone for part of the summer."

"Just to Ireland? To see where Mom is from?"

"We'll take it one step at a time," I tell him, unsure of what I'm actually planning in my head.

He sits and thinks quietly. "Well you are a detective."

"I am."

"And detectives find answers and people."

"They do."

"What are we going to find?" He asks.

"We will just have to wait and see."

He looks over at the dog. "But we'll come back for her," he nods at Win, ensuring I understand his concerns.

"I promise that she will be with us, no matter where we end up."

"Okay then." He says smiling. "Let's do it!"

"Yeah?" I ask. "An adventure, just the two of us?"

"Yeah." He replies, smiling as he nods his agreement.

"Okay then," I say, returning his smile. "Let's do it, you and me."

"Yeah, you and me." He parrots. "Dad, are we going to look for Mom?"

I shook my head back and forth. "No buddy, this time we're going to finish finding pieces of ourselves." His smile wanes just a bit, but he nods. "Sound good?" I asked.

"Yeah, it sounds great," he replies, but he's a bit more subdued.

"You know that she won't be in Dublin or anywhere in Ireland. But we can see where she came from." I add.

"I know." He agrees, but then falls silent, contemplative. "She really loved you."

I take a second to absorb what he said. "She did huh?"

"Yes she did. She had a picture of you in her bed."

At first I need to take a breath and find my bearings. Liam looks off at something I cannot see. I'm not sure what to say, thankfully he continues his story. "You had your police uniform on. Sometimes I would get up early and climb into bed with her. That's when I would see it. She would get up and go take a shower. It was in a frame and would be near her pillow. I remember it, because I almost never saw you in uniform so I would study it. But somehow I knew it was supposed to be a secret. Maybe she had seen me with it and taken it away, I don't remember. But I would put it up under a pillow before she came back. She must have slept with it."

"Wow," is the only thing my mind can conjure. Here I had a picture of her that I clung to for years and she had done the same thing. I, of course had brought the picture with me to New York, where it sits on top of my dresser now. I never knew for certain, but I believe that Hailey had once come across it. Just another invisible wedge in our relationship. "I was in uniform?"

"Yeah. With the hat and everything. I don't remember anything else."

I stand and wonder where she found the picture? A stock photo from somewhere? A picture that might have been in the paper? There had been a few pictures of me in uniform floating around from early in my career and apparently she had found one and held it close to her. My heart began to thump and pick up speed as if I was a lovestruck teenager.

"Dad, I know that she won't be anywhere around Ireland, or anywhere really, but can I still pretend that she might be around the corner?"

I try and settle myself down by taking deep breaths. I look at Liam who is looking at me for something that I hope I can give him. "Of course you can. In fact I'll pretend too."

He smiles and steps closer to me and I pull him in close and feel the need to have my arms around him. He doesn't resist and I'm sure that he can feel my heart that is still thumping more than I would like. "I love you son, so, so much. Please don't ever forget that." It feels important for me to tell him, that he knows without a doubt just how important he is to me.

"I know Dad. I love you too." His response is gentle, yet substantial as I feel its weight on my already pounding heart.

Liam

I can feel my dad's heart beating. I don't know why I waited so long to tell him about the picture. I can still see it so clearly. I recall hitting my head on the corner of the frame one morning, Mom saying something I can no longer remember and the picture disappeared for a while after that. But it came back, she couldn't be apart from it anymore than Dad could be apart from his snapshot of us in the sandbox. Their love, distant and two dimensional.

As we walk back to the car and drive home, he seems lighter, a smile just under the surface. My memory has given him a gift. I had been selfish not to share this with him earlier. Or maybe I had somehow known there would be a moment that it would mean everything to him.

"Maybe one day, we will turn a corner and she will be there. Do you think that could ever happen Dad?" I ask, unsure exactly what I am looking for.

"It could I suppose." He agrees, with a genuine sense of hope.

Over the years our lives have been shattered, and we have slowly put the pieces back together. And perhaps one day, around a corner, we will find that final piece.

Turn Turn Turn by Sara Niemietz

The soundtrack songs are within the story.

The End.

Thank you for reading. And thank you to Liam and Jay for giving me so much to record. Peeling back your layers, finding your love and loyalty has been a tremendous treat. May you always be on the fringes of my world, and maybe one day you will find who you seek, just around the corner.

I have also written several chapters that include Emma, Jay's true love, as if she had never left. She kept her family secrets to herself and she and Jay decided to give their relationship a try. The chapters are random, with Liam at different ages and stages of life. A chapter dealing with Jay's PTSD, and Emma's eventual parting of her truth, along with much more typical family ups and downs.

If anyone is interested in these, please message me. If I don't hear from anyone then this will be the end.