Just a reminder that these are sections are of Emma's overall memories. She and Jay are at Liam's college graduation and she is steeped in her memories. Once again since the chapters were on the shorter side, I included two.

Toys and Soap Suds

The speeches continued and the sun was getting hotter. I kind of wished the forecast had called for rain so we'd be in the auditorium, but no such fortune came our way. With any luck they'd be handing out the diplomas soon. But of course we had to stay to the end even after Liam received his. So I let my mind wander again.

It had been one of those hectic days where work had kept me hopping and now so did my five-year-old. Liam had been pushing every button I had and Jay was late again. He had been more than honest with me concerning his hours, but despite the fact that I believed him, it was hard not seeing him much in the evenings and still feeling like a single parent more days than not.

"Liam James, I'm not going to tell you again. It's time to pick up your toys and get ready for your bath."

At first Liam had told me what I wanted to hear, but when I would check on him, every toy was still strewn around the living room and zero progress had been made. Now it was over ten minutes later and nothing but empty promises had been made.

"I don't wanna pick up my toys. You pick 'em up." He whined after I issued a warning.

"What happens when Mommy picks them up? They go into a box and stay there for a while don't they?"

It was a rule I instituted last year, that Liam had to learn responsibilities and one of them was putting away what he took out. At least for his toys anyway. Sure I would help, but he had to be the one doing the majority of the work. If he resisted or left a mess, I would pick them up and put them in a box in my closet and he couldn't have them back for a period of time. For the most part it worked.

"Come on, get going." I told him.

"No!" He yelled and flung his plane across the room where it hit the baseboard barely missing the drywall.

I marched over and saw a small scratch, barely noticeable unless you were looking for it. "You do not throw your toys and now I'm keeping your plane. You're lucky you didn't dent the wall, that would have made Daddy mad."

"Why am I mad?" Jay asked suddenly standing there.

I hadn't even heard him come in. I explained to him what exactly was going on and he gave his 'uh oh' look as Liam called it, in Liam's direction.

"Why aren't you listening to Mommy?" He asked as the oven timer in the kitchen chimed signaling the cupcakes that Liam needed to take to school the next day were done.

"I have baking duty, do you have him?"

"I do," Jay said trying to blink back his fatigue. "Come here," Jay told Liam.

"No," I heard Liam whine as I made my way to the kitchen.

"Liam, right now." Jay tried again.

"I don't want to," Liam said, his lower lip out in full pout. I wasn't sure exactly why Liam was so set on pushing his limits tonight, but I hung back and watched how Jay was going to handle it.

"I suggest that you do, because you don't want me to come over and get you," Jay warned, his voice calm but unbending.

I watched Liam cross his arms but then march over to Jay, who pushed train tracks and plastic blocks out of his path with his foot and sat down on the couch and picked Liam up and put him on his lap. "What is all this fuss about? Why won't you pick up your toys?"

"Cause I was waiting for you to come home and play with me, but stupid Mommy said I had to pick them up already."

"Hey," Jay barked instantly. "We do not call people stupid, especially Mommy. I don't ever want to hear that again, do you understand me?"

"Okay," Liam said, his defiance fleeting. "Sorry."

"Okay, but never again. She told you to pick up your toys, because it's getting late and you still need a bath and a snack and brush your teeth and a story. That's a lot left to do."

"But we didn't play," Liam complained.

"I know pal and I'm sorry. But how about this; I help you pick up your toys and then hang out with you while you take a bath and you can tell me all about what you played?"

"Okay," Liam said hopping down.

"But first, show me where you threw your airplane."

"Do I have to?" Liam asked, his voice shaky with concern.

"You do," Jay said pointing the way.

Liam walked over and squinted at the mark on the baseboard and then pointed. "There I think."

"Okay, now that won't go away, you made a mark just because you were mad and that is not okay. And because that is not how we treat our toys or our house, you don't get your plane back for a week. We don't throw toys do we?"

Liam just shook his head, and then took Jay's hand and pulled him towards the mess where they began to share the labor. Fifteen minutes later, the living room was clean and when I peeked into the bathroom, Liam already had a Mohawk made of soapsuds and Jay was pretty wet. I heard Liam chattering on about Natalie Freeman spilling paint in art class and how he ate all of his dinner, while Jay pushed away his day and focused on his son. It was these days, these moments as I watched the two people that I loved most in the world, that I made the right choice to stay or at least that's what I convinced myself.

I looked back up at the stage and realized names were being called and people were crossing the stage. Progress had been made. But it would still be some time before it was Liam's turn. I looked over at Jay who turned to me and smiled and then I plunged back into the past.

Tool War

"You had better not let your dad catch you playing with his tools," I warn Liam. Like most men Jay treasured his tools. It made it easy for me on his birthday, Christmas, Father's Day. I would just purchase him a tool for the event. He had quite a decent selection and it drove him mad if Liam got into them. He didn't mind if the kid looked at them, but Liam had left some outside, scattered around the house, broken one, and even scratched up a door in his attempt to fix it all by himself. So with all that, he was absolutely forbidden to touch Jay's tools, unless he had specific permission and supervision.

"I won't," Liam said, not even looking up at me. But we both knew it wasn't true. Jay would know. Even if Liam put everything back just as it was, Jay would know. It may be tomorrow or next week, but he would see a discrepancy and know that Liam had been where he shouldn't have.

I had bowed out of the tool war as I called it, over a year ago. I had tried to back Jay up and shoo Liam away, but he would just circle around and come back to it, only to get caught and reprimanded later. So finally I just let the two of them work it out.

But I knew today it would take Jay no time at all to discover his son's exploration as several tools sat out in the basement, left when Liam was summoned by text from his friend down the street. It wouldn't take a detective to see that, once again, Liam had bucked the golden tool rule.

I had an idea that Liam did it because he knew it would push Jay into action and therefore he would be the center of his father's attention. Jay did his best to spend one on one time with Liam as often as he could, but his days were long and the older he got his recovery time was even longer. I knew he would push his day away, paste a smile on his face and focus on us as best as he could, but I could also tell that it was an effort. Apparently Liam figured negative attention was better than no attention at all.

I went about the rest of my day, finishing up laundry, getting dinner started and hoped Jay would make it home in time to eat with us. He had texted that he was on his way to a crime scene, but wasn't sure how much of it would require his scrutiny and how much could be delegated. I knew he had worked long hours and considered this when I had decided to stay. What kind of mother would I be and what kind of father would I have made Jay if I had left? Would he have continued to be a detective when it took so much time away from home or would he have found an alternative line of work? I had a feeling he would have remained with the CPD and felt guilty for it every day. What would that have meant for Liam? Too much time with babysitter's and neighbors I suppose.

I questioned my decision every damn day. I questioned if it would ever be safe to stop looking everywhere around me. I was terrified every moment my son and husband weren't with me—which meant nearly all the time, or so it seemed. I had no idea if keeping my past and my family secret from Jay was the right or very wrong thing to do. Speaking of Liam, I needed to check on him. His buddy down the street, who had summoned him earlier, had a swing set in the backyard, not much of one as our yards weren't that big on this block, but enough that they could swing and hang upside down on a bar. I pulled out my phone to text him when Jay walked in. His eyes went from a dull blue to a slightly brighter shade when he saw me. "Hey babe," he greeted, leaning over for a kiss. "Where's the boy?"

"Down the street at Owen's. Or that's what he told me anyway." Being only nine we didn't allow him to go far and he was always supposed to answer his phone—always. If he didn't it would be an automatic trip home and loss of his phone privileges for the remainder of the day.

"Okay," Jay said looking around the room at nothing.

"Why don't you take a few minutes and then you can go down and get him for dinner?"

"Sounds good. Do you know if my Blackhawks jersey is clean? Liam and I are supposed to go watch the game at Adam's house Friday night.

"I think I washed it today. If so, it'll be hanging up to dry in the basement. But you better check."

As Jay clomped down the stairs I realized I may just have ushered in a long night for our son. And judging by the frustration laced words that came from below, Liam hadn't put any of the tools back, making it quite easy for Jay to discover the indiscretion.

Jay was back upstairs quickly wearing his tight angry face. "You said he's at Owen's?"

"Yes," I replied. "Backyard, I watched him walk down there and go through their gate."

"Okay, I'll be back." He said as he walked out the back door.

I shook my head and stirred dinner. Poor Liam I thought, though Jay did have a point in being frustrated, the kid had been told a myriad of times to not touch the tools.

Jay could hear the boys chatter and laugh as he neared the Blake's back gate. "I'm an upside down bat," Liam said.

"Are you flying up or down?" Owen asked.

"I'm sleeping. Remember Mrs. Quill said bats sleep upside down."

"Hey guys," Jay said as he opened the gate from the alley.

"Hey Dad," Liam greeted brightly before the realization hit him as to why Jay had come down to find him.

"Hi Mr. Halstead," Owen said. "Liam's a sleeping bat."

"So he is. Well, the bat and I need to talk so we'll see you later Owen," Jay said looking over at his son. "Hop down Liam."

"Can't I stay a few more minutes," Liam asked as he recalled the tools that had been left behind in his rush to come play.

"Not today pal. Get down and lets go."

Liam continued to hang, showing no effort to move, causing Jay to walk over and lift him off the hanging bar and sling him over his shoulder and smacking his butt, it was somewhat playful, but it also had an edge to it as they exited the yard.

"If I tell you to get down then you get down right?" He asked as he set Liam down on the ground.

"My legs got stuck," Liam lied.

"Did they now?" Jay replied skeptically.

"Yeah."

"Hmmm," Jay responded to the lie. "Well we need to talk about something, do you know what it might be?"

Liam looked at the ground as they walked and shook his head no.

"No idea at all?"

"Your tools?" Liam finally asked.

"Yes. How many times have you been told to stay away from them?" Liam shrugged. "Too many times and I'm tired of telling you. I expect better from you. I told you that you can look at them with me when I'm at home and I let you help me fix things don't I?"

"Sometimes," Liam replied quietly. "I just wanted to see the pieces move on the wrench." He said, speaking of the adjustable wrench that was one of his favorites.

"And you could have when I was home. You left three tools in the middle of the basement floor. What if Mom had stepped on them when she went downstairs and gotten hurt?"

"Sorry," Liam whispered again.

"I'm tired of having this conversation son. I'm sorry but I'll be going to Uncle Adam's house to watch the game by myself tomorrow night."

"No," Liam whined immediately, his face reddening and tears already forming. "I want to go too." Liam begged, not wanting to miss one of his favorite activities.

"You should have thought about that before you broke the rules." Jay couldn't believe how much he sounded like his father. He hated to take this event away from Liam as he had been looking forward to it all week, but he didn't know what else to do.

Adam would have them over a few times during each season for pizza and beer, root beer for Liam, a special treat. Along with cookies for dessert and all kinds of chips to snack on. Sometimes Kevin would be there too. Liam loved being one of the guys. All four had gone to a Bears game last year and Liam had talked about it for weeks afterwards. Jay had the picture of them together at the stadium on his desk at work.

I saw them walk in the backdoor in the kitchen, Liam full of tears and Jay looking a bit saddened himself. "Everything okay?"

"I need your phone and then go sit at the table until dinner is ready," Jay told Liam who was trying to hold his tears back.

He handed over his phone and went to sit at the table and put his head down.

"What happened?" I asked quietly. Jay glanced towards Liam and informed me of the punishment he had just handed down.

"I told him he couldn't go to Ruzek's house to watch the game tomorrow night," he said quietly.

"What? How could you do that? He's been looking forward to that all week." I exclaimed.

"Which is exactly why I took it away from him. I had to do something that had an impact. I've talked, I've grounded, I've threatened and clearly nothing has worked, so maybe this will."

"You know he does this for your attention."

"What?"

"He plays with your tools so you'll come find him. Even if it's negative attention, it's attention."

"So your saying I don't pay enough attention to him?"

"Yes. Before you get all upset, I know, as does he, that your work is intrusive but very important, and we're both very proud of you for doing it. But he feels left out sometimes. You come home tired or get called back out and he's just a boy and can't understand it all. I think he feels that he isn't important.

"And now you take away your quality time on Friday. You need to give him a choice."

"A choice? What kind of choice?"

"Um...say he can go Friday night or be grounded for five days. I bet you he'll choose to be grounded for five days. He wants to spend time with you that badly."

"Well then that's why losing that time should be his punishment. He purposely gets in trouble to get my attention and it blew up in his face. He's young, but he's smart and I think he'll understand not to do it again," Jay states brusquely as he heads upstairs, telling Liam he had better stay at the table while I finish making dinner.

I admit I'm somewhat surprised with Jay's reaction. We didn't always agree with how to discipline Liam, but rarely did Jay seem so certain or unwilling to discuss my opinion. But they were his tools and this is his battle. I also saw his point. Maybe some disappointment and tears today will be worth a lesson that will last.

Liam had his head on the table in defeat. He looked as if he was completely deflated and apparently the punishment had taken aim and hit him where it hurt. As a mother it was difficult to watch and perhaps as a father as well, which is why Jay took a breather and went upstairs.

Dinner was a quiet affair with Liam mostly pushing his food around without putting much of it in his mouth. Jay told him more than once to eat, but the advice never amounted to much. My heart was breaking for my son and I so badly wanted to tell him it was okay and his dad didn't mean it and he could go the following evening. But I didn't and he didn't. He was banished to his room Friday night and had extra chores on Saturday.

Jay had come home late Friday night, flush from a good time with friends and a Blackhawks win. Liam had gone to bed at nine and was miserable. I just hoped he wouldn't rebel even further from his anger and disappointment.

"Just talk to him today, do some chores together or something." I encouraged. But soon after my suggestion, he got called to work and that possibility ended quickly.

By the time Jay got home Saturday, it was late and Liam was playing in his room as he wasn't allowed to watch TV when he was grounded. I encouraged Jay to go up and talk to him, but when I didn't get a response I looked over to see Jay asleep. The conversation would just have to wait another day.

The next morning Jay was on the couch watching the rundown for the upcoming NFL match-ups when I nodded for Liam to take his project from yesterday over to his dad. I watched as he sidled up towards him, both hands behind his back.

"What you got there buddy?" Jay asked as he looked over.

"A present for you."

"A present?"

"Not really a present, it isn't really anything." Liam amended his voice losing steam.

"Well let me be the judge of that. Let's see it."

Liam pulled his hands from behind his back and presented a construction paper card that he had created yesterday while Jay was gone. It said: "To Dad" in big bubble letters on the front and when opened the middle revealed that he had drawn several tools with the circle that had a line through it over the tools. Then in his best penmanship he had written "I'm sorry, Love Liam" in blue crayon.

"You did this?" Jay asked as he looked it up and down. Liam nodded that he had. "Are you sure, this looks like one of those fancy store cards."

"I did it. That's why there's tools on it," Liam explained.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense."

"Do you like it?"

"I do. In fact I love it," Jay said as he set the card down and leaned over snatching Liam up and yanking him over to the couch to tickle him.

Once the laughter subsided, Jay put his arm around Liam and pulled him close. "This is a great card, and I accept your apology. I really missed you Friday night and so did Uncle Adam."

"Was Kevin there?"

"He was there for the first period, but then he had to leave for his date. He missed you too. I hated that you weren't there."

"But you wouldn't let me," Liam said bewildered as to why his dad wouldn't let him come and then be unhappy that he wasn't there. "You should have let me come."

"But then you wouldn't have learned a lesson that you needed to. It was too important for you to learn and understand what you did wrong. I punished you, but that doesn't mean I liked doing it."

"Oh," Liam said quietly, thinking about it.

"How about when you really, really need some attention from me when I'm home we come up with a code-word or saying that you can use, instead of breaking the rules?"

Liam looked around and shrugged. "Okay. What word?"

Jay pulled Liam into his lap and gave an exaggerated sigh. "How about, "we need to fix something."

"Okay. That sounds good. What will we do then?"

"I guess we'll figure it out—together. Sound good?"

Liam bobbed his head up and down as Jay held him tightly and kissed the top of his head. "Sounds good to me too."