This request was Emma when Jay was shot. How different things would have been if she had been there.

The Price of Secrets

Through the blur of my tears, I see Liam race across the room to jump into his uncle's arms. Will has come with an update; one I am not sure I'm prepared to hear. He easily lifts his nephew into his arms and waits as I continue to sit, seemingly unable to move until Hailey comes over and directs me forward. In an instant I am surrounded by Jay's coworkers, teammates, best friends as they gather to hear the news of what this bullet has done to us all.

We are told that Jay is in surgery, that the bullet has nicked an artery and the blood loss is a concern, but the best doctors are working on him and he is a strong and healthy man otherwise. I look into my brother-in-law's eyes and see the clarity of his words. Jay is fighting. His wound is severe, but he is fighting.

I knew of his relationship with Angela Nelson. He had told me one night of his mistake, the one that led to Marcus West's death. It was eating away at him; one bite at a time, one day at a time. He had to do something, and the something was to befriend her and her son Bobby, to ease his guilt. He had remained steady in his efforts over the last weeks, and it appeared to be smoothing out his remorse. I don't know what exactly occurred with this shooting, but I know that Angela was in this same hospital and was arrested in the building where Jay had been found. Hailey had seen him leave to check on her and then heard the ringing of a gunshot. If she hadn't been there, Jay would be dead. My only thought is that he must have told Angela the truth and her reaction was one of vengeance. His conscious is free, but his life may not be able to withstand the burden that followed.

I have no idea how they ended up in that warehouse, kidnapped and tortured. He hadn't come home the night before and he always, always reached out to me if he was going to be undercover or remain on the job well into the night. And if he couldn't, a member of the team did it for him. So my terror began much earlier than the reality that eventually caught up with me.

I had spoken to Hailey last night who was clearly concerned despite her efforts to hide it. She said she would see what was going on, that he must have found his way into a case. But she had no news when she called back late in the night and our parting words were of quiet alarm. I lied to Liam that morning, saying his father was working on a case, but he could sense my distortion of the truth, his face reflecting concern. That morning Hailey had sent up a distress signal. Jay was missing and it was all hands on deck to find him. I imagine the details will be forthcoming when I ask for them, I can only hope that it is Jay who tells me.

We sit back down and quietly wait. Liam seems frozen and it is only through the efforts of his Uncle Kevin that they go in search of a snack to break up his grief. I watch them walk down the hall together and I finally release the sob that I had been holding back for hours. Hailey is beside me, her arm around me, pulling me close as my shoulders heave and my body shudders. Liam is only ten years old; he needs his father. I need his father. It has been five years since I had made the most difficult decision that anyone could—to stay or go. To risk everything or to risk everything in a different way.

Jay had no idea of my past, my family. It is an ache that I live with every minute of my day. I felt that I couldn't tell him because he might reject me if I did. Who want to strap themselves to all that baggage if they didn't have to. Then my plan was to tell him after we had been together for a year, established our love and relationship. The one night I had gotten a sitter for Liam, cooked an elaborate meal and sat him down, he ended up asking me to marry him and we ended up in bed. I should have said something before we tied the knot, but by then I just couldn't bear to risk his rejection. Now here we are. I didn't know if he was going to live through the day, he could die while my lies of omission still sat on my lips.

If I had left all those years ago, would Jay had befriended this woman? This Angela? Taken time out of his day, away from Liam if he had been single? Would he have still been single? The what-if's begin to pile up as I try to pull myself together before Liam comes back. Hailey hands me several tissues and the look of concern on her face reminds me that she loves him just as much as I do. If I wasn't here, Liam wouldn't be alone, not completely, I think as I look around at the team whose heads are down, and bodies are tense with worry. But he wouldn't have a mom and kids need their moms, at least that's what I tell myself each day I get up and see my family. This all has to be worth the risk. I convince myself that I was careful enough, went far enough, disappeared enough that I was forever lost to one family so I could embrace another.

I had always thought of myself as a strong woman. I had come to a new country, on my own, barely out of my teens. I had fought for what I had, both as a child and as an adult. Then I met this amazing man, when he looked at me it was if he could see my truths as opposed to my lies. We were two pieces that had instantly fit together, no questions asked. We both had things in our past to answer for but could never seem to manage.

I knew I was pregnant the moment of Liam's conception, perhaps even before it. It was as if Jay and my union would have no other conclusion but creation. As if our love burst so boldly, so loudly, that it took on a human form. When he left for his deployment, I steeled myself that I may never see him again. That once he heard of the pregnancy, he would stay a memory. In many ways, I would be content with that outcome. No worries about my past. Liam and I could move regularly. I could create my own past, present and future. However, deep down I knew he wouldn't walk away, that this child was just as much of a piece of him as he was of me. And he didn't disappoint. But I still insisted on staying distant. I was like a kid with candy and when I was near him, all I wanted was to engorge myself. I knew this confused Jay; he could read me like a third-grade chapter book. He didn't understand why I was pushing him away when all I wanted was to hold him close. But I couldn't. Until I realized my only chance of survival was to stay. But what kind of person does that to their family, stays and keeps the possibility of danger like smoke around the campfire; unnoticeable until it blows your way. So am I weak or am I strong? It is the question I have asked since the moment Jay walked into my life.

Liam comes back with a bag of some kind of chips and a bottle of water, both untouched. He sits next to me, twisting his body to slide back into the seat since his hands are full. "I'll share with you Mom," he tells me, his voice soft.

"Thank you love," I tell him and take a sip of his water that somehow burns all the way down my throat. I hand it back to him and work up a smile, but it dies on my lips.

"Has Uncle Will come to say anything else about Dad?"

"Not yet. I think the doctors are still really busy fixing Daddy up."

"I can give blood if he needs some of mine because he lost his," Liam offers.

"I think they already have all the blood they need," I assure him.

"Okay, but I can if they need it."

So much like his father, brave and kind. A man of action.

Hours tick by. Adam takes Liam for a walk outside and then to the gift shop for a book to read to help pass the time. I sit and simmer in my fears. The final update is that Jay is out of surgery and stable, but not out of the woods. The night would tell us of his survival.

Kim has just left with Liam. Another walk. Will takes me up to see Jay. He is in the middle of tubes and wires, the sounds of machinery gasping, shushing and beeping. His eyes are closed and how I long to look into them. He is pale and it feels as if he is several shades less of life than the last time I saw him.

My tears drip down, hitting the sheet that bunches at his side. Why did he put someone else ahead of us? Why did he risk that? But I know why, and I know that I do the very same thing, each and every day. The fear, the threat that someone out there can puncture your world, because you are hiding who you are. I am hidden, from not only my family back in Ireland, but a big piece of me is hidden from my own husband and son.

With no further updates coming I didn't know what to do. The hospital didn't have accommodation's and though I could sleep in a corner sitting up, Liam couldn't stay here. We would have to go home and come back early tomorrow morning. I hurry back down to the waiting area in time to see Kim and Liam coming down the hallway.

"Have a good walk?" I asked.

"Hospitals are confusing," Liam said. "We got turned around."

Kim smiled. "It was Liam who figured out the right way to go."

"How's Dad?"

"His operation is all over."

"Can we see him" Liam asked as his face lit up.

I'm not sure whether or not to reveal my visit. I know if I do, Liam will want to see his father, but Will made it clear no children under 18 were allowed. And what would it do to Liam to see his dad in that state. So, I decide to lie. "Not yet. He's in a special room resting. How about we go home and get something to eat and watch some TV and we'll come back first thing in the morning."

"No!" Liam shouted so abruptly I jerked in surprise. "I want to stay here. What if something happens?"

"The doctors will take good care of him and Uncle Will is going to be here."

"I want to stay," Liam said so forcefully, his face turning bright red. He was standing next to a fire hose, encased in a glass box and he began slamming his hand against it in frustration. "We have to stay," he cried out, hitting it again before I could grab it.

"Liam, you mustn't do that, you could hurt yourself." I tell him as I try to restrain him.

"Good, then I can stay." He explains as he yanks his hand away from me and slams against the glass again, this time it cracks and though it doesn't completely break, a sharp edge is revealed and scrapes against Liam's palm.

Kim had already left to see what her evening would entail concerning Angela Nelson, the shooter. I was trying to figure out how to get an irate and bleeding ten-year-old to a nurse when Hank showed up.

"What happened?" He asked as he saw the damage. He must have heard the commotion or Kim had some kind of sense of Liam's meltdown and sent him to check on us.

I explained it to Hank as he scooped Liam up and carried him to the first person in scrubs, who then called for Will. After a few frantic moments we found ourselves behind a curtain, Liam sitting on a bed and Will sitting down to look at the damage.

"It's deep enough for stitches but should only need a few. You did this because you want to stay in the hospital?" Will asked Liam.

"I have to stay with Dad."

"We have all kinds of people here that will carefully watch him, I promise."

"But you get to stay," Liam pointed out.

"I do, but I'm a doctor and I work here."

"But I want to see him."

"I know you do, but you'll have to wait until he's feeling a little bit better."

"But what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't get better and I never see him again?"

Will's eyes crinkle with concern. He mashed his lips together and forced a smile. "Liam, it is true that your Dad is hurt pretty badly, but you know how strong he is right?" Liam nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks. "He has great people helping him to get better and your dad is working hard to get better, so if I was a betting man, I'd put my money on your dad and all the people helping him. Okay?"

"Okay," Liam agreed settling down for a moment.

Will stitched up the hand, looping the thread expertly and quickly. The medication numbed Liam up who barely noticed what was going on.

"What color bandage do you want?" He asked.

"Dad likes blue. I want blue."

"Blue it is," Will said, the nurse handing him a roll of blue wrap to cover the gauze. "Keep it dry and try not to use it much for a couple of days okay? If anything changes, I'll call you. Otherwise, I'll see you first thing in the morning."

I was prepared to nod and thank him for his kindness and diligence when Liam jumped up. "I'm not leaving. We can't leave. We can't go home, it's too far away."

I bent down and took my son gently by the shoulders. "Son, we will be back first thing in the morning. Early, before you would even be in school. And you heard what Uncle Will said, Daddy is in good hands."

"But if we go too far he might die without us," he said, his face pinched in agony.

"There isn't anywhere for us to be in the hospital. We could get here fast if we needed to."

"How? Dad has the truck," Liam pointed out.

I had never even thought about where the truck was, but I never drove it anyway. It was a city owned work vehicle that Jay got an insurance rider so that he could use it off duty, allowing us to be passengers. "We could get an Uber or a taxi." I tell him.

"No, we have to wait for them." Liam whined. I could tell the trauma and fatigue of the day were quickly catching up with him as his behavior deteriorated. I had no answers, at least not one that would pacify him.

"Hang out right here. No promises but I have an idea," Will said before he disappeared.

The nurse that had been with us and left after handing over the bandage, came back with a juice box and a bag of homemade cookies. "Here buddy, cookies always help everything," she said handing him the bag.

"But they're yours." Liam pointed out.

"I can share. I don't need them all," she said patting her stomach.

"Did you make them?"

"I did," she replied.

Liam took one from the bag, pulled out one cookie, and broke it in half giving me one part and keeping the other for himself. He then took another cookie out and gave it to the nurse, who took it with a smile. "Thank you."

We nibbled at our treat while we waited for Will to return. I had no idea what he was working on or what our potential options were. Finally, he reappeared with a tight smile. "There's a place down the block that houses out-of-town families who have family members in the hospital. It is donation based and they have several rooms available. They are basic, but comfortable and nearby. They're expecting you, just tell them my name."

"Thank you Will," I told him as I leaned in for a hug.

We embraced and Liam took his turn. "Promise to call," he reminded.

"Of course I will."

"Mom, do you have enough battery on your phone?"

"Plenty, I haven't used it much today."

"I'll see you in the morning," Will said with a wave and I wondered just how long the night was going to be for him.

After bringing Hank, who had been waiting to take us home, up to speed of our plans, we were on our way and easily found the place. I left a donation as I dropped Will's name and we were directed to a room on the third floor. It was plain, but warm and dry. It held a queen size bed along with one twin sized. The bathroom was tiny, but held what we needed and there was a small rectangle of a TV on the worn-out dresser. I found the remote and looked for something that might appease Liam.

"I don't have any pajamas," Liam remarked as he sat down.

"You'll just have to sleep in your underwear."

"Okay," he said as he yawned and handed me his coat to hang up. His backpack sat in the corner of the room where he dropped it when we arrived. He stacked his pillows up and laid down on the bed, and twenty minutes into a nature show on migrating birds, he was asleep. Now I was left to my own devices as I watched Liam's chest rise and fall as I covered him with the blanket. I looked at his face, slack with sleep, the worry of the day now all internal. I wanted to trace the outline of his face, run my fingers from his eyebrows to his chin. It was his father's face.

When he was born, his hair was feathery blond, his eyes almost too blue for a newborn. He favored me, his face mirroring mine, his little lips pursed constantly as if he was worried. I took time, day after day to search for traces of Jay, but saw none. I was more than aware that most children favor their father at birth, nature's own DNA test. There was never any doubt as to paternity. I wasn't a virgin when I met Jay, but not too far removed either. I hadn't been with a man for over ten months when I found Jay. And had been with none since then.

Nevertheless, I worried that he would look at this child and see nothing of himself. That he forget all that we had meant to each other. But as the weeks went by, even though his hair and eyes remained the same, his face changed, rearranging itself the slightest bit, his lips flattened out and when I looked at him, it was his father that I saw. With each passing year, more of Jay settled into our son, the expressions, the personality,

When Jay left for war I knew he would be different when he returned. They always are. The trauma and suffering twist and darken what was once beautiful and straight. I had seen it in my own family, how no amount of reshaping would bring back what was once bright and pure. After two deployments, he would carry with him more than he wanted to bear and it would be whether or not he could lessen the load or if his finger would always be on the trigger.

I had waited patiently when he came home. His mother had been a wonderful addition to my life and loved her grandson immensely. When she died, it felt worse than if I had lost my own mother. She told me to be tolerant that she knew her son well, and he would live up to his responsibility as a father. I had the same sense but was relieved to hear her with the matching belief in the man we both loved.

Our relationship was a difficult one as I held onto my secret with both arms, leaving no room to hold him. My plan was to leave as soon as Liam was somewhat independent or at the very least potty-trained. But he took that transition with ease and as each milestone came and went, I remained in Chicago, pulling Jay close only to push him away. He was an addiction that I couldn't seem to break.

Our dance lasted for years. There was the darkness that we both dealt with in silence, his as cloaked as mine. But we were good parents; shuffling our son back and forth as we showered love meant for each other on Liam. Jay would always be filled with trepidation when he picked-up or dropped-off Liam. Waiting for an advance, a sly look, a long kiss, equally disappointed when it happened as much as he was when it didn't. He dated. I dated. It was as if we were stuck in a loop, synchronized in the same pattern, neither able to let go or embrace.

Eventually Liam started school and I recognized that it was time to leave. Liam was old enough while still being young enough. Then the school year was almost over and still I did nothing. One evening in early spring, Jay dropped an exhausted Liam off and I knew it had to be now. I asked him to stay so we could talk and I told him I had to go on a trip. He was caught off guard but had no idea of my real intention. Like any addict, I needed to quit, walk away, but I couldn't, not as he sat next to me on the couch, his breath warm, the vibrations humming from his skin, and I was certain I could feel his heartbeat within my own. It was to be our last time together, but our lovemaking is what sealed our fate. He fell asleep afterwards, but I lay awake, his body molded around mine, the sense of serenity that I never had felt any other time settled inside me. I was home and despite the danger, despite my selfishness, I couldn't leave my guys behind. I just couldn't set aside or displace my love for him. I found it to be impossible.

I told him that my trip didn't work out, and perhaps when Liam was out of school we could find an apartment together. At first he seemed cautious, almost cynical of my offer and I could understand his reticence. I had been treating him like a yo-yo for years. I wanted him so much, but all I could see when I closed my eyes was his battered body as Liam was being taken away while my father laughed. I still see that scenario many nights when I drift off to sleep, or worse, it wakes me up with the fear of its reality.

It is five years later, and he still doesn't know me, my background, my own battle scars and trauma. As I fall in and out of tortured sleep my thoughts and dreams combine, become haphazard and in my delirium, I recall thinking that if Jay dies, at least it would be because of something he was involved in, and therefore not my responsibility. I thought of how I would take on the burden of immeasurable grief, but not of blame.

Hours later it felt as if I had just fallen asleep when Liam was shaking me awake saying it was getting light outside. I checked my phone to see that it was nearly 6:30.

"Did Uncle Will call?" He asked immediately.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and saw a text had come in from him, telling me that we would meet in the cafeteria whenever I was ready.

"He left a text that we can meet him in the cafeteria."

"Is Daddy dead?"

"He didn't say that."

"Because he would tell us in person," Liam cried.

I wanted to believe that if the worst had happened overnight, Will would have come over and let us know. Or perhaps he would have just let us continue to rest. But my uncertainty made me text him back. "Is Jay alive?" What a thing to have to ask, but ask I did, and tried not to sit in a stupor for the minutes it would take for a reply. Instead, I ushered Liam into the shower and made sure he actually got clean while keeping his hand dry, no easy task. I tried to smooth out his clothes, grateful they were still in decent shape. I planted him in front of the TV and took a quick shower myself and as soon as I was dry and decent looked for a reply and saw the two words I had hoped for: "He is."

I replied that Liam and I were on our way as I tidied up as best I could. I took Liam's hand as if he would somehow escape from me. He didn't seem to care, actually dragging me along in an effort to get to the hospital.

Traffic, both vehicle and foot were beginning to pick up, the gray day matching our mood. We quickly found Will who had already gotten us juice, coffee, blueberry and chocolate chip muffins. We shed our coats and sat, Liam's face flushed, his hair still damp launched a question before I could muster up enough energy. "Is my Dad okay?"

Will took a bite of his own muffin and washed it down with coffee. He looked exhausted and I expect got even less sleep than I did. "Take a bite of food and a drink and I'll tell you what I know."

Liam looked perturbed at the request but did as he was told, chewing and swallowing as if the goal was to choke. "There. Tell me. Tell us."

"Jay made it through the night. He is stable. Both are obviously good things."

"Can I see him?" Liam asked.

"Not yet pal. He is in a unit called intensive care and kids aren't allowed."

"Why not?"

"Because there can only be one visitor at a time and nobody under eighteen can visit without a parent and that would make two people."

"But he is my parent and he'll be there."

Will sighed and put his coffee down. "I know you want to see him, but he is sleeping right now so he can't count as your parent."

"It's not fair," Liam cried out, sobs taking root.

"I know you really want to see him, but it's just not possible." Will explained looking over at Liam before adjusting his gaze to me. "He's under sedation, but they will be lightening it up as the day goes on to see if he wakes up."

"And what if he doesn't?" I ask, terrified of the answer.

"He will," but Will doesn't seem so certain. I had spent time researching blood loss last night and all of its ill effects. What if Jay had been so oxygen deprived that it caused long-term effects? It could be something so small as not being able to recall a few memories, to not waking up at all. Or loss of cognitive functions. What did our future look like?

"So we wait." I say.

"Go see him Mommy," Liam urges. "I can wait here. I'll be good and not move."

I admire my son's selflessness and generosity of allowing me to go, but I don't believe that he will stay anywhere on his own, without adult supervision.

"I'll take you up and watch Liam," Will offers, quite aware of my concerns.

As soon as we eat enough to satisfy Dr. Halstead, we go up to intensive care, Will holding Liam's hand as he points out Jay's room. I promise Liam I will tell Jay how much we love him and how badly his son wants to see him. Liam breaks free from Will and hugs me, but then returns to his uncle, as if the surroundings have hampered his desire for a visit. I couldn't blame him, the sounds of machines keeping people alive, cut through the silence. The atmosphere was something I had never experienced before and didn't much like; the air thick between life and death. I made my way through the door and saw my husband, prone, helpless. The tubes and wires I had witnessed before had only seem to multiply, snaking their way over every part of him. The steady beat of his heart announced by each beep was good to hear, yet at the same time unnerving. The tube rammed down his throat shushing air into his lungs. The nurse explained, as Will had, that Jay was sedated to keep him calm and at rest. His vitals were strong and stable, but they wouldn't know anymore until later that day when they hoped to wake him up. She told me I could touch him gently and talk to him, so I took his hand, and told him how much Liam wanted to see him and wouldn't be able to wait much longer so he had to hurry up and get better. His hand felt cold, and it didn't respond to my touch. I pulled it to my face and watched my tears roll down his fingers.

After fifteen minutes, my time was up, and I went back out into the hallway to find that Will had taken Liam into a waiting area full of windows. They were looking outside at the hospital ductwork, a concoction of connections that seemingly made no sense, as Will explained what their purpose was. I just stood and watched them for a minute, my mind already wondering that if Jay didn't make it how much I would come to depend on Will to be in Liam's life.

"Mommy," Liam said when he saw me. "Did you see him?"

"I did. Just like Uncle Will said, he's sleeping. But I told him how much you wanted to see him and to get better real fast."

"He didn't wake up? Even when you were in there talking to him?" Liam asked, his eyes hopeful.

"No love, he didn't. They're giving him some medicine to make him sleep so he'll feel better. Like when you get sick and sleep a lot and when you wake up you feel better."

"Okay," Liam accepted.

Part of me wanted to ask if Liam could just take a quick peak at Jay before we left, but I didn't think it was a good idea for him to see his father in that state, especially if it could be for the last time. It was hard enough for me to absorb it all, there was no way a ten-year-old could manage.

"Now what?" Liam asked.

"Now, I call the school and my job to let them know we won't be there and then we go home and clean up the house and buy some food."

"For when Dad comes home?"

"Yes. We want to be all ready."

"Then laundry too," Liam added.

"Yes, laundry too."

"I'll drive you; I need to get out of the hospital for a bit." Will offered.

"But you have to stay here with Dad," Liam protested. "Who will call us if something happens?"

"There was a nurse in with your dad whose name is Michelle and we used go on dates sometimes and I made her promise to call me if anything changed." Liam nodded. "I'm going to take you guys home and stop by my place for just a little bit then I'll be right back here so don't worry."

The day alternated between flying by, the hours passing like minutes, to minutes passing like hours. Will had texted me at noon that they had lightened the sedation but there was little response, and not to worry that was often the case. They would lighten it more in a few hours and check for results.

Liam alternated between being sullen to sulky, which is saying he was in a bad mood all day. I couldn't blame him, but I also had no patience, unable to tolerate his stubbornness, or his outbursts. I was exhausted in every way a person could be and feared what the next update would bring.

Liam finally fell asleep in the late afternoon, and I found myself dozing as I clutched the phone debating whether or not to check in with Will. At 5:00 my phone trilled, nearly giving me a heart attack: Jay was awake.

I got myself together before waking Liam. The Uber was on its way; I made Liam a sandwich and grabbed a juice box. I told Will to let Jay know we were coming and there was no possible way that Liam would not see his father. I woke Liam and told him we were heading back to the hospital. He was full of questions, but I held onto the information I had been given. It was as if I feared sharing the good news would somehow nullify Jay's achievement.

As we inched through traffic, I could have kicked myself for not taking mass transit, but it would be packed just as the streets were and with Liam in an agitated state, privacy was the order of the day. Finally, we were within a couple of blocks, and we decided to walk the rest of the way, Liam keeping up with me, no encouragement needed. I called Will as we neared the hospital and found him waiting for us at the entrance.

"Is he awake?" Liam asked instantly.

"He was, but he may have fallen back asleep. He's very tired."

"But he's still doing well?" I asked.

"He nodded at all of the questions when he should have. He was taken off the ventilator, and knew his name, age and where he was. All good signs."

"Can I see him this time?" Liam asked as we trekked to Jay's room. They had already moved him out of intensive care and into another room.

"Let's let Mom go in first, and then I'll take you in," Will said.

"No, me first," Liam began, his frustration and fatigue coming through in full force. "Mom got to see him this morning, I haven't seen him at all."

"I will see how he is, if he is awake then I will come for you. Okay?" I told him.

"It's not fair," Liam said stamping his foot.

"Liam, look at me," Will encouraged. "Let your mom see if he is ready for extra visitors first."

"But he wants to see me, I know he does."

"Of course he does but let your mom have just one minute first to make sure everything is okay."

"Are you lying to me? Is he not okay?" Liam accused.

By this time we were at Jay's door. Will took Liam's hand and nodded to me to go ahead. We both knew that Liam couldn't understand how vulnerable Jay would look, how frail, how he wasn't the same man he had been only two days ago.

I stepped inside the room, which I immediately noticed, to my relief, was much quieter. No more tube in Jay's mouth, though the constant beeping reminder of his heartbeat was still there. His eyes were closed, his head turned to the side, his lips were chapped and dry, his skin still sallow but some color seemed to be creeping back at its edges. I quietly walked over to his bed, and as I stood there deciding if I should wake him he opened his eyes.

"Babe," he whispered.

"Hey you," I said, trying not to cry. I took his hand in mine and though the grip was relaxed, it was there.

"Were you here earlier?" He croaked out.

"This morning. I held your hand. I cried all over it," I admitted, crying again.

"I thought it was a dream."

"You remember that?" He had seemed so—vacant in that moment.

"I think so."

"How do you feel?" I ask.

"Tired. Sore. Stupid."

"What happened?" He opened his mouth to reply when the door opened revealing Will and Liam.

"Sorry, but I couldn't hold him back any longer."

"Hey buddy," Jay rasped, his voice nearly absent from the ventilator and lack of use.

"Daddy," Liam squealed charging our direction.

"Be careful," I told him as he ran into the bed.

"What are these for?" He asked about the bed rails.

"So I don't fall out of bed." Jay replied, his voice both groggy and hoarse.

"What's that for?" Liam asked about the IV line.

"It helps give him fluids and medicine," Will explained.

"Are you thirsty?" Liam asked. If had been put off by Jay's appearance, he wasn't showing it.

"Yes I am," Jay said as Will moved around and filled up a small cup with water from a nearby pitcher.

"Take it easy, a few sips at a time." He said as he handed his brother the cup.

Jay winced as he took it but managed not to cry out. "When can I get out of here?" He asked.

"Not today, probably not tomorrow. We have to make sure you are able to eat, drink and—well use the bathroom, before you leave. Don't rush it. You were shot Jay; it's kind of a big deal." Will replied.

"Where did the bullet go into?" Liam asked.

"Over here," Jay pointed, using his good arm.

"Where is it now?"

"The bullet?" Jay asked. "I'm not sure."

"Are they going to use it to put the shooter in prison? You know, like evidence."

"Let's worry about that another day." I said, seeing Jay's expression change.

"I can't wait until you come home. I helped Mom carry some groceries and clean up."

"Good job." Jay said laying his head back down.

I didn't bother to say that he whined about carrying a bag with bread and potato chips, and his cleaning assistance consisted of clearing the table of his own debris.

"I think your dad needs his rest," Will suggested.

"Can we see you later?"

"Tomorrow morning. We'll come by before school," I promise him.

"I don't want to go to school," he protests.

"Liam, listen to your mom. You have to go to school because it's your job. You'll see me tomorrow okay bud?"

"Okay," he answers dejectedly.

"Come give me a hug," Jay says, bringing Liam to bend over the bed for a gentle embrace. Jay lifts his good arm and takes Liam's hand as he stands back up. "Be a good boy and help your mom. I'll be home before you know it."

"I will. I promise." Our son promises.

Two days later I went to bring Jay home and found him nearly ready as he and Hailey were in deep conversation.

"Everything okay?" I asked as they abruptly stopped talking.

"Fine," Hailey said giving me that face she makes when it is definitely not fine. "I was just telling him not to push himself too hard."

But I had no doubt it had nothing to do with that. Their faces were strained; Jay had more color in his cheeks than I had seen since he arrived at the hospital. Just then his phone rang. The display indicated the name Bobby.

"Is that Bobby, the shooter's son Bobby?" I asked. The night before Jay had told me what happened. How he had gone to Angela's after she had summoned him for help and gotten swept up in the kidnapping and demands for the money she had helped take. He told me how she hadn't been able to accept the fact that Marcus had been responsible for those boys' murders, and he just couldn't hold onto the lie any longer. He explained his part in it, told the truth in its entirety and how after the threat was over, she had shot him.

"Don't answer it," Hailey barked, nodding towards the phone. "You need to stay away from them, cut ties."

"Fine," Jay replied ignoring the phone.

"He's not pressing charges." Hailey added, looking at me.

"What!?" I snarled.

"I can't do that to them. I've already caused them enough harm."

"It was a mistake Jay," Hailey reminded him.

"One I made, because I put too much faith in something I wasn't familiar with. My fault. The woman doesn't have a husband and that boy doesn't have a father because of me. And I am not going to be responsible for taking that kid's mother away. A boy needs his mother. A motherless child—well it's the worst thing. So no, I will not be pressing charges."

"I'll let Voight know," Hailey said and looked grateful to leave the room.

His words had been like a kick to the chest and gut. I was practically breathless. His description, "a motherless child", what I had almost done to my own son. His reaction had been so raw, visceral. I had come so close the night before, as he finished his confession about his time with Angela, I was ready to tell him about my past, my near decision about leaving, but as I began the story, I looked over to see that he had fallen asleep. Now, I would have to hold on to my own secret or risk a backlash that I simply could not handle. It wasn't fair, Jay had relinquished what had been tearing him apart, and pulling him down—yes he had been shot for his troubles, but now he could move on. But how was I to lose my burden without losing everything I loved? The very same result as if I had left them to begin with.

Will drove us home and was getting Jay settled when I left to pick up Liam from school. I needed both the fresh air and time alone to sort through all my feelings before I pasted on my happy face and pretended that my past wasn't a boulder sitting on my shoulders; Sisyphus had nothing on me.

Liam came rushing through the doors, full of excitement. He told me that he had a surprise for his father and how all the kids wanted to talk to him because his father had been shot. "They know he's a policeman and was shot when he was helping someone." He explained. "Now everybody wants to be my friend, even sixth graders."

I didn't see the point in crushing his enthusiasm by telling him that the tide of friends would go out just as quickly as it had come in, when the excitement died down. I listened to his frantic chatter all the way home. Questions as to how Jay was and when would he get better. If his father would get a medal and could he go to the trial of the shooter and had they caught the shooter. He spoke so rapidly he left no room for answers, to which I was grateful. Once our house came into sight he took off, racing ahead of me the last half block.

By the time I got inside, I could hear Will gently explaining that Liam would have to be careful around his father for a while. "Look Dad, look what I made you," he said, pulling out a handmade card of blue construction paper, adorned with glitter, yarn and stickers. "It has glitter. I was the only one who could use it!" He exclaimed while I made a face at the sound of the word glitter. It never, ever could be completely cleaned up or disappear. I hated it with a passion, and it was never allowed in the house. But I guess if your father nearly dies then you can use glitter. But just this once.

After Jay oohed and ahhed over Liam's card, Liam pulled out a plastic bag from his backpack full of cards from his classmates. "This one is from Jason, he used lots of yarn. I used yarn to make the word DAD. But he just put it around the top. Lisa made one with huge bubble letters. She's good at that. Cara drew a horse, she's a good drawer." And Liam continued his commentary until the very last card was glanced at. I had no doubt Jay appreciated each one of them, but he looked utterly exhausted by the time they were done.

I told Liam he could have a snack and start his homework while I got Jay into bed, where he fell asleep almost instantly. Will said the pain pills would cause drowsiness so to watch Jay after he took his medications. I sat there and watched as the tension eased from his face; his body slacken. I envied the space he had created in his soul by telling the truth. His honesty had cost him, but I paid an even higher price for my secrets. And as long as I did, sleep would never be that kind to me.