Chapter 18: I'm Paralyzed

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion. It belongs to Hideaki Anno, Gainax, and Tatsunoko Productions. I only own the characters I made up.

"Are you giving up?" a voice echoes across the cold, white room.

I continue lying on the floor, practically curled up into a ball. "Shut up. Leave me alone."

"So that is a yes," continues the mysterious voice, ignoring my demands. "You are giving up. You plan on shutting out the entire world."

My fingers almost dig themselves into my skin, but I stop myself. "There's something wrong with me."

"Perhaps."

"All I do is hurt people." I take a shaky breath. "And when I'm not doing that, I'm screwing things up."

"A mantra you've held close to your heart."

"Even when things seem to be going well, it all goes to hell." I shut my eyes and shake my head. "Every time that happens, I'm the common denominator."

"Perhaps."

"So what's wrong with giving up?!" I ask, frustration laced in my voice. "If I'm the one causing problems, why not just shut everything out?!"

"Because it is what cowards do, correct?" The voice asks.

I remain silent.

"So, you are a coward," it states. Perhaps it's trying to bait me, but I don't respond. "Do you plan on shutting everything out forever, leaving yourself to rot? Do you plan to abandon everyone and everything? What about Misato, Kensuke, Sakura, or Rei? What about your goal of returning home? What about your brother Shane? What about Shin-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! ! !" I finally scream, standing up for the first time. "I-"

I nearly choked on my words. All the fight in my body becomes smoldering ash as I hang my head. "I. . .don't want to do this anymore."

I wrap my arms around myself.

"I don't want to do this anymore," I repeat, albeit in a whisper.

There was a long pause.

"Very well," says the voice.

Everything goes silent. I can't hear anything, even my own breathing. It's as if the world was put on mute. With nothing better to do, I lie back on the ground and stare at this white void of a room. I attempt to get lost by staring at this endless abyss. Eventually, I start to feel nothing, perhaps I'll stop thinking all together.

Unfortunately, I woke up.

It takes more effort than needed to open my eyes and keep them that way. My body's sore and feels like it's been drained of energy, despite having just woken up. My eyelids become heavy so I attempt to go back to sleep, but after a few minutes of trying, I give up on getting extra rest. I never seem to be able to sleep whenever I actually want to.

Seeing as I can't go back to sleep, I settle for staring at a blank wall. I've been doing that a lot lately, just lying on my mattress and staring at a random wall. Don't know what I expect to find when doing that. Is the wall going to give me some revelation I must preach to the masses? Will the wall somehow erase my thoughts, ergo, erasing all of my problems? Or, maybe it's just a wall, and I'm just bored. After all, I have nothing better to do.

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since Toji. . .since my last battle. Three weeks since I last went to school. Three weeks since I last saw Rei or Asuka. I haven't seen Rei because I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to her, and I haven't seen Asuka because. . .well, she moved. After what happened between me and her, the people of Nerv saw it fit for her to move in with Kaji to prevent further problems. Sure I'd see Asuka or Rei occasionally when I'm dragged out of my room to undergo harmonics tests, but that's about it.

Perhaps that's for the best.

Speaking of the harmonics tests, according to Ritsuko, my sync ratio has plummeted. My synchronization with Unit-01 is pretty much zero. I couldn't get the Eva to so much as twitch, let alone get it to walk. So yeah, I'm pretty much useless now. Perhaps Nerv will need to find a new pilot.

There have been talks, more like whispers, of me needing to see a therapist of some sort. That's enough to make me laugh. Every single pilot has been through some traumatizing shit when fighting Angels, yet not one single time was there some kind of "counseling". So I find it hard to believe Nerv would even sanction the act of therapy. Even if I believe for one second that Nerv would even bother hiring a therapist, I'm not gonna spill my guts on someone who's being paid to act like they give a damn. I don't need that shit! I don't need anyone's pity, whether it be an act or not!

I . . .just want to be alone.

I just want this to be over.

I lie on my mattress for a few hours, occasionally shifting my weight to relieve some discomfort. I don't know what time of day it is, but my internal clock thinks it's probably ten in the morning or noon. It's during that time when I hear a knock on my door.

"Michael, can I come in?"

Instead of responding, I turn my back to the closed door.

I don't see why she bothers asking every single time. She knows I never respond.

"I'm gonna open the door, okay?" The woman says in a cautious tone.

The sound of a sliding door fills the room as light begins to pour into the area. Since my back is to the room's entrance, I only see Misato's shadow bathing in the pool of light.

Everything is silent for a few seconds, also routine.

"Umm, I made breakfast today," the woman starts. "I know you don't like my cooking, but I promise it's edible this time."

She laughs slightly, expecting me to show some sort of reaction to her small joke. But, I remain quiet.

" *Sigh* Okay. . . breakfast will be on the dinner table. You can come get it if you want." A pause. "Also, there will be a harmonics test today, so be ready for that."

". . ."

The door to my room slowly closes before coming to a halt.

"Michael. . .I just want you to know that. . .that you can talk to me," says the woman. "That you aren't alone. . .that. . ."

The words are caught in her throat. Or. . .perhaps she's run out of things to say? I don't know why she keeps doing this. Why does she keep me around? She should just dump me onto someone else and be done with this shit. After all, all I do is cause trouble.

Misato, having nothing left to say, finally closes the door, leaving me in the darkness.

It takes a moment to realize what she just did before sighing. Usually, Misato would just leave food by my room's door so I don't have to leave. But she didn't do that this time. She said that breakfast was on the dinner table, meaning the food is in the kitchen. The woman's trying to coax me out of my room. I probably shouldn't take the bait but. . .I'm hungry. It's no use starving myself. I don't want to starve to death.

. . .

Yeah, I don't want to starve.

Shaking my head, I get off my mattress and throw on some semi-appropriate clothes before approaching my door.

I'm just gonna grab my food then go straight back into my room. That's it.

With that thought in mind, I slid open my door then slowly walked into the living room. I saw Misato in the kitchen, sitting at the dinner table. That's not surprising, but what gave me pause was who she was talking to. Sitting next to the woman, wearing a school uniform, is Asuka.

Why is she here? She's not supposed to be here! Does this mean Kaji's here too? I really don't want to see him at the moment. Did Misato bring her here? Why? What's the point in even doing that?

Asuka and Misato are talking about something, though I'm not sure what. It seems like Misato's doing most of the talking while Asuka just listens. The redhead's arms are crossed, and she has a scowl permanently etched onto her face.

I almost want to run back into my room. I was prepared to deal with Misato, not Asuka. I can't imagine the redhead being happy to see me. Not after what happened the last time we were in this apartment.

But, instead of running, I start walking to the dinner table. All I have to do is grab my plate then walk back into my room. I don't even have to interact with Asuka. I don't even have to look at her. All I have to do is grab my food.

As I approach the dinner table, the two people sitting there turn their heads in my direction, cutting their conversation short. I do my best to avoid both of their gazes as I spot my plate on the table. On the plate were some scrambled eggs with two pieces of slightly burnt toast. In any other situation, I would've smiled at how Misato didn't screw up making food for once.

In the corner of my eye, I spot Asuka staring intensely at me. A scowl is still carved onto her face, but I sense no malice from that girl. At least, I don't detect her trying to get out of her chair and beat me.

Without saying a word, I grab my plate, turn my back to the dinner table, and start walking back to my room.

"I don't blame you."

I stop walking then glance behind me. It was Asuka who spoke.

"I don't blame you," the redhead repeats, in case I didn't hear her the first time.

What exactly doesn't she blame me for? Am I not to blame for what happened to Toji? Am I not to blame for what I did to her? If it's the former, then that's bullshit. It was made pretty clear that. . .it was my fault he's gone. If it's the latter, then that doesn't make sense. I tried to ki-

. . .

I tried to hurt her. Hell, I did hurt her. Now she's saying that I'm not to blame for what I did? Last time I checked, it was my hands wrapped around her neck.

Perhaps Misato told Asuka to say those words, expecting that would somehow make me feel better.

Does it even matter?

I stop glancing behind me and stand still for a moment.

"I don't care," is my response.

I slowly travel back to my room, close the door, and sit on my mattress while eating what was on my plate.

Keeping my eyes closed, I attempt to clear my mind completely and keep it as such. The subtle hum of the machines in my entry plug is almost soothing. The hums are nearly enough to lull me to sleep. The only reason why I hadn't fallen asleep is that Ritsuko would scold me if I did that again during this test.

Right now, me and the other pilots are undergoing a harmonics test. It's the usual sit around until something happens kind of deal. The only real difference is that the testing was slightly longer than usual. Just long enough to be slightly irritating, but not long enough to justify complaining.

These tests have become something of a chore. Usually, I'd feel something when in the entry plug, as uncomfortable as that something may be. Now, everything just feels empty.

"You're all free to relax," Ritsuko reports, voice emitting from the entry plug's internal speakers. "The harmonics test is over."

Deciding to bite the bullet, I ask the question. "So, how bad was it this time?"

If the doctor's annoyed, she doesn't show it in her voice. "Your synchronization ratio was just below minimum capacity. In other words, you had zero connection with Unit-01."

I let out a short laugh. "Lucky me."

"If you feel the need to improve, you're free to redo the harmonics test," the faux blonde suggests.

My response was to exit my Eva while expelling my lungs of LCL.

The other pilots and I start leaving the testing area. None of us said a word to one another. We're just silent.

Don't know why, perhaps out of curiosity, but I decided to risk directly looking at Rei. The girl's back is completely turned to me as she walks in a random direction. Then, as if she could feel me looking at her, she stops walking then turns to me.

I freeze as the blue haired girl stares at me with those crimson red eyes. There's no emotion on her face. It's like she's studying me. A million thoughts ran through my head in regards to what to actually do in this situation.

I want to speak to her. I want to apologize to her and beg for her forgiveness. I want to tell her how much of an idiot and a jerk I was. But I just can't move!

I stay frozen in that girl's gaze for what feels like forever before she turns her back to me, and calmly walks away. I briefly entertain the thought of running after her, but quickly dismiss it. She clearly saw me, but didn't bother approaching me. She obviously does not want to talk, and honestly, I can't blame her.

Feeling defeated, I make my way to the showering area. I make sure to take the long way there so I don't risk running into Asuka or Rei.

After taking a long hot shower, I began wandering around Nerv. Misato still has a ton of shit to do here, so might as well take up my forgotten hobby. After an hour of walking around Nerv, I came across the cafeteria. I initially plan on walking in there just to see what food was being served, but come to a stop when I see someone seated at a table in the distance.

Kaji.

The man's wearing his casual clothing and seems to be on the phone with someone. My stomach drops at the sight of man, so I attempt to leave the cafeteria. Of course, I don't usually get what I want.

"Oh. Hey Michael!" The man calls, having seen me. "Can you come here for a second?"

I could've just ignored him and walked out of the cafeteria, but I've been putting this off for too long. The man is going to approach me eventually, so might as well rip off the band-aid now.

I cautiously walked over to the table Kaji's sitting at. The man wears his usual smirk, but that doesn't mean the man does not want to rip my head off. The guy probably only looks happy to see me because he doesn't want to cause a scene in a public area.

Finally reaching Kaji's table, I decide to cut straight to the point. "So, do you want to yell at me or something?"

The man's smirk fades as he raises an eyebrow. "Now, why would I do that?"

I'm a bit caught off guard by his question but still stay on my toes. "Did. . .Didn't Asuka tell you anything?"

"Hmm." A thoughtful expression appears on his face as he crosses his arms. "All she told me was that you both got into a massive argument at Misato's place."

My eyes widened slightly. She didn't tell Kaji. . .why?

"But," the man continues. "Judging from the fact Nerv needed to get involved, I assume there's more to the story than she's letting on."

I exhale through my nose while looking away from the man. I can almost hear the judgement in his voice.

"Just say whatever you need to say," I manage to say calmly. "I probably deserve it."

The man doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He lets out a sigh before speaking.

"Listen," Kaji starts. "What happened to your friend is nothing short of tragic. It makes sense that you would say or do things you wouldn't normally do."

"People keep saying that, but they don't mean it. Not really," I shake my head. "They act like I wasn't in full control of my actions but. . .I was. It was a stupid lie they came up with to fool me into thinking I'm not this. . .this. . ."

I choke on my words, temporarily preventing me from speaking. I look at my hands, and they're shaking. "Hell. . .I even lied to myself."

"I blamed what happened to Toji on everyone except myself," I continued. "I kept shifting the blame because I couldn't face the fact that I. . ."

My arms start shaking, so I dig my fingers into them to get them to stop. That only works slightly.

The air seems to be getting thinner. I try to take in big gulps of air, but it's like there isn't enough oxygen in the area. I feel my heart crashing against my chest, causing my whole body to shake. My fingers dig deeper into my arms, but I don't notice them breaking the skin.

Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT!

Spotting movement, I look up to see Kaji getting out of his seat, hurrying toward me.

"STOP!" I say a bit too loudly. That stops the man mid stride. He has a worried expression, something I've never seen him wear.

Taking a deep breath, I managed to stop whatever was happening to me. "Sorry *huff* I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" The man asks.

I nod. "Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that. . .what happened to Toji was my fault. What happened between Asuka and I was my fault," I lower my head. "Pretty much everything's my fault, and nothing can change that."

The man pauses for a moment then exhales through his nose. He looks off in the distance like he's trying to come up with something to say. "You shouldn't be too hard on yourself."

I give the man a confused look. Kaji pinches the bridge of his nose then lets out a long exhale. "You're just a kid. You're just a goddamn kid. You shouldn't have to be carrying all of these burdens." He rests his hands in his pockets. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for contributing to your burdens."

I continue giving the man a confused look as he once again speaks. "As you probably already know, I knew who was going to pilot Unit-03. I didn't tell you due to reasons I'm not at liberty to discuss. But, perhaps if you did know about Toji, some of your burdens might have been lifted." He shakes his head. "But, that secret wasn't the only burden I put on you. I had the nerve to make you promise to take care of Asuka. . .even though you are just a kid yourself."

He looks at me. "Asuka has barely talked to anyone these past few weeks. She has this look in her eyes that I'm unfamiliar with, and honestly, it scares me. I'm. . .ill equipped to deal with that girl. But, despite that, she's my responsibility. Not anyone else's."

He lets out a long exhale as he rubs the back of his neck. "You already had a ton of things on your plate, so it was unfair of me to throw my responsibility on to you. It was selfish of me to add onto your burden, even by a little. And for that, I'm sorry."

I pause for a moment, mulling over what he just said.

"It's not like there was anything else you could've done about Toji. Even if I did know. . .probably nothing would've changed," I respond, still with a pit in my stomach. "As for Asuka. . .you weren't being selfish."

I turned my back to the man as I began walking away. "You just placed your faith in the wrong person."

I didn't bother waiting for his response as I continued walking out of the cafeteria and down a random hallway.

Hours have passed and I'm still in the Geofront. I got tired of walking around Nerv, so I eventually decided to fall asleep on a bench just a few yards away from Nerv HQ. The times when I had temporarily woken up from my nap, I would continue lying on my side, staring into the distance until I eventually fell asleep again. Honestly, I probably could have gone back to the apartment anytime now. I mean, that's what I usually did if it seemed like Misato was staying at work for too long. But, at least at the moment, I don't want to go back to the apartment.

Not just yet.

Footsteps briefly bring my attention back to reality. Glancing to find the source of the noise, I spot Misato strolling next to the bench I'm lying on. I go back to looking at some random object in the distance as the woman approaches me.

Misato walks in front of my view and kneels down to my eye level. My response is to look at the ground to avoid eye contact.

"Have you been out here this whole time?" The woman asks, slightly concerned.

I take a moment to think up my response. I then nod slowly.

The woman lets out an exhausted sigh before speaking again. "Do you want to go home?"

". . ." I nod again.

"Alright." Misato puts her hand in front of my face. "Come on, get up."

I look at that appendage for a few seconds. Exhaling through my nose, I weakly put my hand into the woman's own. She gently wraps her fingers around my hand, and just as gently, pulls me up into a standing position. The woman then starts walking, keeping a soft yet firm grip on my hand. So, I follow her.

Misato continues to practically drag me with her until we exit the Geofront. That gave me enough time to think about a few things. Mainly, why does she continue to keep me around? During my time with her, I've pretty much caused her nothing but trouble. And no matter how many times I've apologized to the woman, no matter how many times I've promised her that I will change. . .it all goes back to zero. It all goes back to shit. Especially recently.

So why does she keep me around when all I do is lie around and do nothing? Why does she still attempt to talk to me, even when I've pretty much shut everyone out? She must get tired of dealing with me, so why does she bother?

Questions continue to bounce around my head until we're near her car. When we're about a few feet away from the vehicle, I plant my feet in the ground, impeding our progress. Misato looks at me in confusion. I, in turn, try to avoid her gaze.

"Is something wrong," Misato asks, her full attention now on me.

I just want to sink into the ground. Why doesn't she get angry with me? She should want to yell at me.

"I. . .no," I say slowly. "It's just. . .I want to walk home."

The woman fully turns to me, and gets to my eye level. I once again attempt to not look her in the eye. I just. . .can't.

"Michael. . .are you sure?"

I nod.

"Because you don't have to," the woman states. I guess she's trying to convince me not to walk home.

"I know," I assure her. "I just. . .need to be alone."

There was a long pause before Misato spoke again. "Just. . .call me if you're gonna come home late. Understand?"

I nod.

"I mean it," she says as she grabs my shoulders. "I need you to let me know if you're coming home late."

For the first time I look at the woman, seeing the absolute worry in her eyes. "I. . .I'll try."

She stares at me for a few seconds, closes her eyes, then shakes her head. "Guess that's good enough."

She pulls me into a hug and keeps hold of me for about a minute. I usually become embarrassed by this, but right now, I just feel cold inside.

When she lets go of me, she slowly walks to her car then opens the door. She looks back to me and reveals a small smile. "See you later."

I nod as she gets into her vehicle and drives off. I stand still for a few seconds before beginning my journey on returning to Misato's place.

The sky turns orange as I make my way to one of the train stations. It was then I realized how long I was at Nerv. How much of the day did I waste just by lying around? Probably doesn't really matter.

Upon entering one of the many train stations in Tokyo-3, I immediately hop onto one of the trains. When inside the vehicle, I expect it to be sparse, as usual. Instead, it's nearly packed with a ton of people. This is a shocking sight because I don't usually see this many people on the trains during this time, especially after all the Angel battles. So where the hell did all of these people come from?

Letting out an annoyed grunt, I find an area devoid of people and sit there. I don't stay isolated for too long, for a family sits around me. Luckily, whether because I looked pissed or because of common courtesy, they don't try to strike up a conversation.

About fifteen minutes passes, and more people have gotten onto the train. The more people that got onto the train, the more irritated I got. When more people entered the vehicle, it forced the people next to me to move even closer. Every time that happened, I would curse internally and hope for bad things to happen to the people around me.

The worst part about being here, is that more people seem to be entering the train than leaving it. They keep making pointless noise or keep sitting too close to me. I hate it. I hate feeling their body heat. I hate smelling their odors, I hate hearing their whispers, and I hate seeing them move! I hate these people so much, I just want them to stop breathing! I just want to be alone! Why won't they shut up!

I just about lost it when some brat started crying for absolutely no reason. Deciding I had enough, I got off the train at the next stop. I then find a bench and sit on it to calm myself down. After a few rounds of deep breathing, I start going over my situation.

I'm still a fair distance away from Misato's place, but I can still walk there. I'm not getting on another train, not if there's a bunch of people there. Looking around the city, I spotted a movie theater. Deciding that I had some time to waste, I walked over to the place just to see a random movie. It doesn't really matter what's being shown, I just want a place where my mind can go blank.

After paying for the movie, I enter the building, find the theater auditorium I'm supposed to be in, and take a seat at the very back of the aforementioned auditorium. There were a few people sprinkled around the area, but the place wasn't packed, which I was thankful for. The movie being shown wasn't all that interesting, it was just some action thriller with a bit of pointless drama wrapped into the mix. It has occurred to me that I'm just stalling for time. Guess I really don't want to go back to Misato's place. The feeling I get every time I'm there is just. . .uncomfortable.

The movie being mindless did allow for thoughts to fester. They were. . .depressing.

I mean, I don't know what exactly I did to end up here, in this world. I never asked for this. Hell, I never really asked for anything. I never even asked for friends. The only thing I ever did ask was for me to be alone, and for the people I care about to be okay. I never asked to be a hero, or to be transported to some nerd's wet dreams. I didn't even ask to leave that house, even after she would always admonish me, beat me down, tell me I'm going to hell, yet somehow make it seem like she's the victim!

. . .

Yeah. . .the home in my old world was really something. I wonder how Shane's doing. Is he alright, does he miss me? Does he even realize I'm gone? I just. . .hope he's doing alright. I just hope that bitch didn't do anything to him! If she had hurt him anyway while I've been gone then-

. . .

I rest my head on my left hand and massage my eyebrows. I breathe in deeply and exhale slowly, before looking back at the movie screen. A few rows ahead of me, I see a couple kissing each other. It's disgusting.

I bought a bag of popcorn when entering the theater, so I grabbed a handful of the snack and threw it at the couple. The girl had a somewhat entertaining reaction, getting up and patting her body like I had thrown ants at her. The boyfriend stood up and scanned the theater, looking for the perpetrator who was throwing food.

Rolling my eyes, I get out of my seat and leave the theater. I then make my journey to Misato's apartment.

The lights are still on as I slowly open the apartment door. Even though the lights are on, that doesn't necessarily mean anyone's home. Misato's known to accidentally keep the lights on, especially if she's in a hurry to get somewhere. With that in mind, I slowly enter the apartment and walk into the living room area.

The tv's still on, displaying a news anchor talking about some recent criminal activity. Scanning the living room area, the place looks only slightly unkempt. An empty plastic bowl lies on the floor with some food residue inside, and two beer cans are littered on the couch. When walking to the kitchen, I could see that there were a fair bit of dishes in the sink.

Walking to the door leading to Misato's room, I knock on it a few times while calling her name.

No answer.

Deciding to check my phone, I'm rewarded with a sea of text messages and missed phone calls which basically boils down to Misato asking me where I was. Guess I didn't notice since I had my phone on silent. I forgot to tell the woman that I would be out late, which means she's probably out in the city searching for me.

Sending a quick text to Misato letting her know I'm home, I shut off my phone, not wanting to deal with her arguing with me. Scanning the apartment once again confirms that I'm alone. Since there's nothing much for me to do, I decide to go sleep in my room.

As I took my first step to my room, a thought reverberated through my mind. It was as if lightning struck me.

What if I'm dreaming?

I already asked and answered this question a long time ago, but after going over recent events, things just don't make sense.

I just so happened to run into a random wormhole lying in the middle of the street? That same wormhole, just so happened to teleport me to a world that's a near identical copy of a certain anime? And if that wasn't bad enough, I just so happen to be able to pilot something which should be impossible for me to pilot? And I was lucky enough to survive attacks from alien abominations day after day with only a few weeks of initial training?

One or two of those things happening might be chalked up to coincidence, but all of them happening to me. . .that's just too convenient!

It's like something out of a book.

But, this can't be a dream for several reasons. Dreams don't last this long. You can't feel pain in dreams. And dreams don't stay this vivid, it always becomes foggy at some parts.

. . .

Unless. . .this isn't a regular dream.

My mind runs a million miles an hour as I frantically pace around the apartment. The more I thought about my theory, the more things started to make sense to a scary degree.

Alright, think! How did I get here? How did I arrive in this world?

I was walking home, then when I crossed the street I was hit by. . . a ball of light. That had to be a car! I was hit by a car and was probably taken to a hospital! I'm probably under heavy anesthetics, so I must be in some sort of coma. That's why this dream has lasted so long! That's why everything's so vivid! I'm in a coma!

I rush toward the kitchen and start looking through the silverware. When I see the silverware aren't in their usual spots, I look through the dishwasher.

Okay, so a coma could explain why this dream has lasted so long. But what about me being able to feel pain? How do I explain that? Can you even feel pain in a coma?

. . .

No, but in dreams you can trick yourself into thinking you felt pain. When you're stuck in a situation that seems so real, you naturally assume that you'll be able to feel pain, so you'll react accordingly. Perhaps that's what's been happening to me every time I fought an Angel. I expected there to be pain, so I reacted like I was in pain.

After a few seconds of digging in the dishwasher, I finally pulled out the thing I was looking for. A kitchen knife.

I stare at the blade for a long time, seemingly hypnotized by the object.

There are stories of people shocking themselves out of a coma by doing something traumatic. Some of them notice an inconsistency in the world their mind created, and it's enough to wake them up. Some of them shock themselves awake by killing someone. . .obviously that didn't work for me. Though one of the most common ways to wake up from any dream. . .is to die.

My body turns to stone at the thought of what I'm planning to do. I don't know if I'm feeling fear or something else at this moment. I just feel. . .uncomfortable.

Letting out an exhale, I grab the knife's handle with both hands and point the blade to my chest. That action did give me a visible reaction. A lump lunges itself into my throat and I start shaking slightly. Sweat pours from every part of my body as I start breathing weirdly. It's not like I'm having a hard time breathing, but the act itself doesn't feel quite right.

I tighten my grip around the handle as I prepare myself to thrust the blade into my chest. That gives me a weird feeling in my stomach.

This isn't real. This isn't real! I'll just wake up.

Everything becomes dark, the only thing in my line of sight is the knife pointing to my chest. The knife is the only thing I'm completely and utterly focused on.

Then, another thought rang through my head.

What if I'm wrong?

I almost drop the knife as I run to the sink and gag. Putting my left hand over my mouth, I manage to stop any bile from actually exiting my body. My eyes start to burn as I think about the possibility of actually dying!

If I'm going to do this, then I actually need to be damn sure that all this is a dream. Looking at the knife again, I decide to test something. I already concluded that I felt pain because I expected it to happen. If I cut myself, and really believe nothing will happen, then there will be no pain. That will be my proof.

I manage to pull myself back together while getting my breathing under control. I place the knife over the open palm of my left hand and prepare myself.

My left hand gently encompasses the blade while I attempt to psych myself up.

Nothing will happen! This is all a dream! This won't hurt! None of this is real!

I pull back the knife, cutting the palm of my hand. Immediately, the area stings as I let out a string of curses.

"SHIT!" I raise my left hand and just stare at the bleeding. The cut wasn't that deep, still a lot of blood is pouring from the wound. I stare at the blood, just. . .stare at it. It's like I'm expecting it to magically disappear. Instead, all the crimson liquid does is drop to the floor.

. . .

Of course this isn't a dream. As if I'd be that lucky. Everything that happened up until this moment actually happened. Including Toji's. . .dammit! I'm such an idiot!

DAMMIT! ! !

I hear a gasp which nearly scared the crap out of me. Slowly turning to the source of the noise, I see a familiar redheaded girl dressed in normal clothing, standing at the kitchen's entrance.

Why is she here?

Briefly looking at the mess I created, I realized how bad this looked.

Before I can say or do anything, Asuka dashes towards me, snatches the knife out of my hand, then dumps it in the sink. The girl then turns on the faucet, grabs my bleeding hand, and forces it under the running water. It stings a little, but I'm not complaining.

Asuka then frantically tears the kitchen apart looking for something, meanwhile I'm still questioning why she's here.

She briefly stops what she's doing and glares at me. I don't think I've ever seen her this pissed.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? ! ? !" She yells.

I blink a few times. "Huh?"

"Don't 'huh', me! Explain what the hell you were doing! ! !"

I stay quiet, staring wide eyed at Asuka. Slowly, I lower my head before responding. "I. . .was trying to cook something, but when I grabbed the knife, I accidentally cut myself."

"DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? ! ? !" The girl yells, causing me to flinch. She walks up to me, and forcefully grabs my left arm so I could take a good look at my hand. "YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE! ! !"

I don't look at the redhead in the eyes, I just look at the ground while muttering a few words under my breath. "It's not what you think."

"What am I supposed to think?!" responds Asuka.

I shake my head.

"Never mind," I mutter. "Sorry about the mess. I'll clean it up."

The girl pushes me against the sink's counter while tightening her grip around my wrist. I look at the girl with genuine fear in my eyes. For a second, I'm afraid she might kill me.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MESS YOU IDIOT! ! !"

There was a pause as we both took a moment to calm down a bit. Asuka inhales deeply before shaking her head. She lets go of my wrist before searching the kitchen again. I don't move from my spot. A minute later, she returns carrying a med kit. Guess that's what she was looking for.

We both stay silent as she pours alcohol on my wound, then wraps bandages around it. The girl has a scowl permanently etched into her face. I make sure not to make a sound, afraid of somehow pissing her off even further. Briefly scanning the area, I see how much blood is on the floor. The place looks like a murder scene. I need to clean this up before Misato gets back.

"You did this because of Toji, right?"

I'm surprised by what she brought up. "No."

"Don't. Lie." Asuka squeezes my bandaged hand, causing me to hiss in pain. I pull away from her grip.

"Stop it!" I respond while glaring.

"Oh, did that hurt?" She asks in a patronizing tone. "Was that painful? Good. It means you're alive. Maybe that pain will teach you the next time you try to kill yourself!"

This time I start to get angry. "That wasn't what was happening!"

"What else am I supposed to think when I see blood everywhere with you pointing a knife to yourself?!" She yells.

The energy just left me. "Just. . .leave. I'll clean up the mess."

She shakes her head in disbelief. I prepare myself for more yelling.

"Misato told me everything you know," starts the redhead. "She tells me how you barely leave your room. How you don't go to school anymore. Hell, you don't even talk to 'Wonder girl'!"

She then jabs a finger in my chest. "You just hide in your room, letting yourself rot away." Her scowl becomes more prominent. "And if that wasn't bad enough, I come here to see you attempting to do something stupid."

I avoid the girl's gaze. "Why are you even he-"

"No! Zip it!" The redhead snaps. "You're going to listen! You're going to stop this shit right now! Because shutting everything out or whatever else you've been doing isn't going to bring Toji back!"

Anger returns to me. "You think that's what all this is about? You shut your goddamn mouth! You don't know jack shit about what's going on!"

"Then tell me!" She yells. "Tell someone! Because this isn't okay!"

Asuka emphasizes her point by pointing to the sink where the bloody knife lies.

I shake my head. "We're done here."

I turn to leave but the girl grabs my left arm tightly.

"No! We're not done here!" She yells at me. "We're ending this right now!"

"Leave me alone!" I snapped at her.

"Why? So you can sit around all day until you try to kill yourself again?!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE! ! !" I scream at the redhead, rage carved into my face.

What the hell does she know?! Why the hell does she care?! She should just take the hint and fuck off!

At the sound of my scream Asuka jumps back slightly. It was subtle, but I could see her getting into a fighting stance. That sight reminded me of the last fight I had with the girl. My stomach drops.

I lower my head while looking at both my hands. Everything becomes cold. It's like my heart stopped beating.

"I'm sorry," I mutter. I say that phrase a few more times, only outside of Asuka's hearing. The entire place stays silent, waiting for someone to say or do something.

"I'll. . .clean up the mess later." I turn my back toward Asuka and slowly walk to my room.

As I'm walking to my room, Asuka speaks. "Just. . .try to come to school tomorrow. You can't stay in your room forever."

I take note of her words for a second before entering my room. When inside, I lie on my mattress and attempt to get some sleep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Slowly opening my eyes, I start searching for whatever's making that noise. There, a foot away from my mattress, is a digital clock blaring sound. Crawling off my mattress, I reach for the clock, turn off the alarm, and look at the time.

It's six in the morning, which is odd. I haven't set the alarm these past few weeks. Hell, I rarely ever set the alarm, I just naturally wake up at six. Not to mention I just plan old turned off my digital clock and haven't been using it. Did someone come into my room just to set the alarm? That's. . .annoying.

I crawl back onto my mattress, and attempt to go back to sleep. As usual, trying to purposefully put myself to sleep is fruitless, so I settled for staring at the ceiling. My left hand starts itching so I attempt to scratch it, only to be reminded that I have a bandage over it. That reminder briefly gets me to think about what Asuka said to me last night. All I have been doing was lie in this room every single day. Is this what I'm gonna do for the rest of my time here? Just lie in my bed?

. . .

I guess it couldn't hurt just to go to school once. Besides, I'm getting bored here.

After putting on some decent clothes, I exit my room quietly. Doesn't seem like anyone's awake since the lights are off. Out of curiosity, I knocked on Asuka's door a few times. After not getting a response, I cautiously slid open the door leading into her room. The room's empty.

So, she hadn't moved back to this apartment. Then why was she here last night?

Letting out a sigh, I head to the kitchen to get some food. Scanning the area, I see the place has been cleaned. No sign of what happened yesterday is visible. Makes me wonder who cleaned the blood, Asuka or Misato.

Deciding I'm too tired to cook something, I grab a bowl and pour me some cereal to eat, then sit at the dinner table. After a few moments of eating my breakfast, I hear Misato exiting her room. Taking a glance at her, I can tell she didn't get much sleep. There's bags under her eyes and her hair's a mess. When she enters the kitchen she stops and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her so things don't get too weird. Eventually, she grabs herself a bowl of cereal and sits at the opposite end of the dinner table. We both don't say anything for a few minutes.

"You had me worried, you know." Misato says suddenly.

I stare at my bowl. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad," assures the woman, though she should be. "But you can't do something like that. You need to let me know when you're coming home late."

"I know," I respond. "It won't happen again."

We go silent once again before it gets broken, this time by me.

"I'm going to school today."

I briefly glance at Misato to see her shocked for a moment. But she doesn't make a big deal about it like I thought she would. She only nods.

"Okay, I'll drive you there." She wasn't asking.

I nod as I get up from my seat and put my empty bowl into the sink.

"By the way," Misato calls from her seat. "What happened to your hand?"

So, I'm guessing she wasn't the one who cleaned the blood.

I briefly glance at my bandaged hand, my eyebrows furrow.

"Nothing," I assure the woman. "Just did something stupid."

Misato drives me to school. During that drive, we were both entirely silent. We didn't really have much to say to each other, so we didn't bother trying. When we finally arrived at the school, I briefly bid the woman farewell, exited her car, then walked onto the school's campus. Looking at the campus, I expect to feel a form of apprehension. It's been weeks since I've been back here, so it should be expected that I would feel nervous. Instead, I feel nothing.

Eventually, I decided to go to my first period classroom. I stand in front of the closed portal leading to the room, and take a deep breath before entering. Inside is a bunch of students just casually talking to each other or goofing off. Everything just seemed so. . .normal. After everything that happened to this city they're living in, they act like nothing happened. That. . .does bring some form of comfort, but it also makes me slightly. . .angered.

My thoughts came to a screeching halt as every student in the room turned their attention to me. They all stare at me, their expressions ranging from surprised to curious. I shouldn't be surprised by their reactions, I've been gone for a while. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was dead. Briefly, I spot Asuka glancing at me before returning to her conversation with Hikari.

I can tell the class is about to bombard me with questions, so I prepare for the worst. Before anyone could say anything, someone tackled me, but I remained upright with some effort. Thinking I'm being attacked I prepare for a fight, only to calm down slightly when seeing who was the one to tackle me.

"Kensuke? What the-"

"Where have you been?!" The guy asks. He then grabs my shoulders and starts shaking me! "You didn't talk to anyone for the past few weeks! I thought you were dead!"

I manage to get the guy to stop shaking me, getting my head to stop spinning. I look at the guy and start smiling slightly.

"Sorry about that," I told Kensuke. "It's just. . .I needed to take a break from school."

Like a switch had been flipped, he went from worrying to his old cheery self. "Well you've got to tell me what you've been up to!"

I shake my head while snorting out a laugh. "Maybe later. Class is about to start."

With that being said, Kensuke and I walked over to our usual seats. While walking I spot Rei in the far back corner of the classroom, reading a book. She didn't even look up when I came into the room. I want to go over to her, but decide against it. I just sit at my desk and prepare for class.

About fifteen minutes into class, I start to get bored of the teacher's lesson. School has been a breeze since I learned to read in the Japanese language, so I rarely pay attention in class. I look at Kensuke and see he's strategically used his laptop's screen to cover up the fact he's fallen asleep. I decide to sneak a conversation with the guy. The guy seems so. . .normal, even after everything that happened. I want to know why that is. So, I poke the brunette with my pencil, waking him up.

"Hmm? Is the class on break already?" Kensuke groggily asks.

I shake my head. "No, just need to ask you a question."

The guy adjusts his glasses and gestures for me to ask.

"Are you. . .doing alright?"

Kensuke gives me an odd expression. "Huh?"

I elaborate slightly. "These past few weeks. Have you been doing alright?"

He's still giving an odd look. "Sorry, I don't quite under-" Realization dawns on his face. His expression changes to a slightly somber one. "You mean, how am I dealing with Toji's death?"

I nod slowly.

"I'm. . .I'm fine I guess," he responds tentatively. "I mean, I only got the news when the school made an announcement about it. It was. . .I don't know, weird. I mean, when I heard he had died I just. . .didn't react. I felt nothing. People were giving me weird looks because of my lack of emotion, and I couldn't really blame them."

He shakes his head. "That. . .kinda sounds messed up, doesn't it?"

I shake my head. "No. I'm pretty sure you weren't the only one who had that same reaction."

"Yeah, I know the 'people grief in their own way' kind of deal. It's just. . .weird to me," he sighs. "Can't imagine how Sakura's handling things."

I lower my head. "Yeah."

He says nothing for a bit. "On the bright side, Toji's dad was able to get Sakura into a better hospital. So, she'll recover quicker. Though I don't know where he got the money to do that."

Probably had something to do with Nerv. It had occurred to me that Toji agreed to pilot if Nerv got his sister into a better hospital. Speaking of Nerv.

"S-So," I stuttered slightly. "Do you know how he. . .?"

Catching on to what I'm asking he responds. "I heard he was killed by a rogue Eva."

I was both relieved and angered by Kensuke's response. Relieved, because Kensuke doesn't know I was involved with Toji's death. Angered, because no one will know how he really died. Everyone will think his death was a freak accident. Nerv just swept his death under the rug as soon as he was no longer useful to them. That's just fucked up!

"I'm. . .I'm sorry," my voice cracks.

Kensuke gave me an odd look then smiled. "You have nothing to be sorry about. It's not like it was your fault or something."

I go silent, and stay that way for a while. Just long enough for it to be uncomfortable.

"Michael? You okay?" Asks a concerned Kensuke.

"Y-Yeah," I nod. I breathe in deeply as I cradle my head in my right hand. My head starts to feel like it's spinning. "Just. . .spaced out for a bit."

Not my fault. Kensuke's words keep repeating in my head, each time causing a weight to be put in my stomach. I started taking in deep breaths, but I can't seem to get any air. I panic slightly, and start breathing quicker.

Kensuke's about to say something but I shut him down real quick. "I'm serious. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," he retorts.

I close my eyes and attempt to calm myself down. My mind decides that now is a good time to start messing with me. Behind my eyelids plays images of me tearing Toji apart over, and over, and over, and over again!

My heart bangs against my chest as sweat covers my body.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I CAN'T BREATHE! ! !

"Michael! Hey!" Kensuke raises his voice in concern. I feel him put his hands on my shoulders. "Something's wrong! I need help!"

I opened my eyes and am greeted with the entire room staring at me. The world is on mute as I feel everyone's eyes on me. I don't want this. I don't like this! Stop staring! Stop looking at me!

Before anyone could do anything, I jumped out of my seat and ran out of the classroom. I keep running until I reach the roof of the school, a place where I can isolate myself.

When on the roof, I run towards the chain linked fence surrounding the area and grab onto it. I then empty my stomach of this morning's breakfast onto the cold, concrete floor. My throat burns, causing tears to roll down my face. I spit at the ground a few times to get the taste of bile out of my mouth. Getting my breathing under control, I stare at the ground, as if I were in a trance.

"What *huff* was that?"

Was that. . . a panic attack? The only time I remember ever having one was when I first entered Unit-01.

My eyes shut tight, but morbid images continue smashing themselves against my skull. I continue using the surrounding fence as my support while trying to get my bearings.

Shit! Everything hurts! It always hurts! I should've stayed in my room. I should've never left the apartment! I should've known better than to talk to anyone about this! Especially Kensuke!

I grab my chest, as now it's starting to ache. I hate this.

The sound of footsteps briefly brings me back to reality. Glancing behind me, I see Asuka standing at a distance, arms crossed.

"I'm fine," I say before she can speak.

"Really," she says in a condescending tone. "Because from where I'm standing, you look like you're gonna keel over."

I don't say anything. Instead, I stop looking at Asuka and once again stare at the ground.

" *Sigh* Look, you obviously aren't getting better," says the redhead. "You need to talk about this with someone."

I manage to stand up straight and calm myself down. I then turn in Asuka's direction.

"No I don't," I reply calmly. I then attempt to walk past the girl. She gets in my way.

Not again.

"Move."

"Not until you talk to me," she remains firm.

"Why do you even care?" I respond slightly frustrated.

". . .It's like you said. Eva pilots need to look out for each other."

I roll my eyes. "Words. They are just words. They don't do jack shit in real life."

I look at Asuka in the eyes. "We've fought each other too many times to count. Got on each other's nerves constantly. And if that weren't bad enough, I TRIED TO-"

I couldn't finish what I was saying. Instead, I raise my hands slightly, and make a choking gesture with them. I stare at my hands while continuing speaking.

"You shouldn't even be giving the time of day. You should be yelling and screaming at me! You should be avoiding me! Instead, you're standing here because of what?! Because the flimsy promise I made 'inspired' you to do so?!" My hands fall to my side while I shake my head. "Words don't mean a damn thing because they don't do anything! We say that we'll 'support' each other, that we'll 'care' for each other, but our actions clearly say otherwise! So just say that you hate me! Stop beating around the bush and just admit it! Stop pretending you actually give a damn!"

Asuka doesn't say anything for a long while, but she doesn't break eye contact. "I don't hate you, and I'm not pretending."

I look at her in disbelief and continue shaking my head. Rolling my eyes, I attempt to push past her. Her response is to twist my arm behind my back, then push me in the opposite direction of my destination.

"What the hell?!" I yell at her.

"You're not leaving until we talk."

Gritting my teeth, I attempt to run past her. She retorts by grabbing me and somehow tossing me away from the roof's exit. I tried this a few more times, each time concluding with the same result. Now matter how fast I ran, how hard I tried to avoid her, she caught me and, with nearly inhuman strength, threw me back to where I started. Each time she did that, the rage built up more and more until I just snapped.

Having grown tired of her antics, I throw a punch at Asuka. The girl easily deflects the attack and delivers a punch of her own toward my stomach. The blow knocked the wind out of me, so I backed off. Getting a better look at the redhead, I see she's now in a fighting stance that looks somewhat professional.

"I went easy on you last time," she says as if answering an unsaid question. "Do you give up?"

"You're crazy!" I yell while trying to attack her again.

We spent the next few minutes fighting each other. We each traded multiple blows, but I always seemed to get the worst of it. She would block most of the attacks I threw, then knock me silly. Each time I actually did manage to hit her, I got three more hits in return. It's crazy just how good of a fighter she was. Yet, despite Asuka clearly being the superior fighter, I was still able to keep up with her by just being stubborn.

I don't get it! Why is this happening? Why is she doing this? What's she trying to accomplish here exactly? I just want to leave, so let me!

"Leave me alone! ! !" I yelled while throwing a punch, she easily blocked it.

"Not until you talk to me!"

I grit my teeth while blocking a kick she threw. "I don't need your help!"

I blocked another attack she made. "I don't need anyone's help!"

I throw a punch and am rewarded with an elbow to the face. I cup my hand over my nose in case it starts bleeding. I then glare at the redhead as I once again ready myself to attack. "You don't owe me a goddamn thing, so leave me alone! I don't need your fucking pity, so get out of the way!"

That seemed to piss her off because dashes towards me and hits me harder than before. She hits me a few times in my stomach, punches my face, then pushes me to the ground. I try to get up, but she manages to pin me there.

"You don't need anyone's help?!" She questions as if what I said was a joke. "You think it's okay for you to rot away in your room?! You think it's okay for you to be too scared to even talk to your supposed friends?! You think it's okay for you to keep shutting people out?!" She lets out a cruel laugh. "Because if you think all that's okay, you definitely need help!"

She gets off me then gets into a standing position, looking down at me. I wipe away bits of blood off my face, and get into a sitting position, glaring at Asuka.

"You. . ." I start, attempting to gather my words. "What the hell do you want me to say?! You want me to tell you how it felt to kill someone I was close to? Huh?!" I start laughing. "Like, is that gonna magically make everything better?!"

I continue laughing. "Fuck that, and fuck you! I lost someone close to me, someone that's never coming back! You have no idea how that feels, but go ahead, tell me to 'get over this'. Give some poetic speech to be preached to the masses about how 'things will get better'! Go on, get that shit over with!"

Asuka scowls and bares her teeth. She grabs the collar of my shirt and it looks like she's gonna hit me again. Honestly, I wanted her to. I deserved it.

"My mother killed herself."

All the bitterness. All the rage, disappeared the moment she said those words.

What. . .what did she say? Why did she say that? Why is she telling me this?

Asuka's grip on my collar tightens as she continues speaking. "She killed herself and wanted me to go with her! That bitch had her mind so twisted she thought a fucking doll was her own daughter!"

Her hand is shaking and her hair is covering her face. "She wrapped a noose around that stupid doll's neck before she killed herself, thinking it was me. She really wanted me to die with her. I hated her so much for that. I wanted to distance myself as much from her as possible! I wanted to prove that I didn't need her or anybody! That I wasn't some helpless doll that could be manipulated or lied to! That I could take care of myself! That everyone on this goddamn planet was below me and couldn't be trusted because they would treat me the same way she did! ! !"

"But," tears roll down Asuka's face. "Despite what that bitch tried to do to me, despite how much I want to forget she ever existed. Despite me wishing she had suffered when hung herself! Despite everything. . .I still miss her. I still. . .love her." Asuka looks me in the eyes. "So don't you dare say I don't know what it's like to lose someone I care about! ! !"

I stare at Asuka, eyes wide open. She lets go of me and goes back to looking down at me.

"Dammit," I mutter. "Dammit. Dammit! Dammit! ! ! DAMMIT! ! !"

I cradle my head and nearly pull my hair out. "Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone! ! !"

I look at my hands. "What do you want, huh?! You want me to admit that Toji's dead because of me?! Fine! I admit it! I killed him! ! ! He's dead because of me! ! !"

I continue yelling at the redhead. "You want me to tell you that when I crushed his entry plug, I felt nothing!" I start laughing as a manic smile appears on my face. "That if it were someone else, some random person I had killed, I would've said I felt bad, but would've slept like a goddamn baby! That I can't look Kensuke or Sakura in the eye because I took away the person they care about! ! !"

I ball both my fists up then start hitting the concrete ground, and only stop when my hands start bruising. "You wanna play therapist?! You want to know what's going through my fucking head?! You wanna know that I know there's something wrong with me, so I blamed Toji's death on everyone else so I didn't have to face that reality?! That I hate Nerv! I hate piloting the fucking Eva! I hate this fucking school! I hate that I am put in this fucking situation! I hate this whole goddamn planet! And I. . . I. . ."

There's something else. I can't seem to bring the words out.

". . .You hate yourself," says Asuka.

I go silent and just stare at the redhead. Her expression is still harsh, but there's a bit of softness mixed in.

Why? Why does she even bother with me? I don't understand.

I lower my head. "All I do is screw things up. All I do is hurt people. I thought I changed that part of myself, but I was only kidding myself." I put my hands to my face. "I. . .I don't know why I keep doing this. I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't. . .I don't. . ."

Before I can say anything else, Asuka kneels to my eye level and grabs my face so I'd be looking directly at her.

"Listen to me," the girl says sharply. I try to pull from her grip, but she forces me to stay still. I try to say something but she interrupts me. "No, shut up and listen. There is nothing wrong with you."

My eyes widened. "What. . .why are you. . ."

"Shut up!" She snaps. "There is nothing wrong with you."

The girl brings me closer to her face, so now I have no choice but to stare at those blue eyes of hers.

"You think hurting yourself will change anything?" She questions, voice shaking with anger. "You think letting yourself waste away will honor Toji's memory? Is that what you think?!"

I don't say anything.

"You were put into a shitty situation," the redhead continues. "We all had a part to play in Toji's death. But you were the one who had to pull the 'trigger'. I'm sorry you had to be put through that, but hurting yourself won't make anything better."

Her hands shake, but the fire in her eyes isn't put out. "If you want some sort of 'atonement' or 'forgiveness', you're not gonna find it rotting in your room! And you're definitely not gonna find it at the end of a knife!"

"You're only gonna find it by coming to terms with what happened, and forgiving yourself!" Her grip tightens. "Even if the world turns against you! Even if everyone hates you! You must forgive and believe in yourself! Because it's better than the alternative!"

She finally takes a moment to breathe. I don't say anything for a minute. I'm too shocked by what she had just said. I don't get it. Why does she care so much about me? She should hate me. She should not want anything to do with me.

Tears roll down my face. "Why? Why are you doing this? You should hate me after what I did. Why don't you hate me?" I shake my head. "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve Rei, I don't deserve Misato, I don't dis-"

"Didn't you listen to a single thing I said?!" She questions. "Hurting yourself won't solve anything! So stop that! If you continue putting yourself down, I'm gonna hit you until you stop!"

I stop my rant and look at the girl again.

"But. . .if you really can't pull yourself out of this rut," Asuka lets go of my face and grabs my hands. "And if you still need to talk to someone. . .you can talk to me." She looks away slightly.

I stare about her for a bit, start sobbing then rest my head on the ground

"I'm sorry," I say weakly. "I'm sorry."

She stays silent for a minute. Then, she lifts my head off the ground, and wraps me into a hug, surprising me.

"It's. . .it's okay," Asuka says softly.

We stay like that on the roof for what feels like forever. I don't want to move from that spot. I just cry until no more tears are produced. Eventually, Asuka and I decided to leave school early. We both just took a long walk in complete silence, back to Misato's place.

Author's Notes: It's been a while, and it's good to be back on this site. Tried making this chapter worth the wait, hope I succeeded at that. I really enjoyed all the comments I got last chapter. Particularly, I enjoyed reading Thomas Drovin's and Rainsfere's comments due to how insightful they were. I thought about those comments a lot when writing, and I'll continue keeping them in mind as I continue the story. Also, Thomas correctly guess the song and band of the last chapter, so good on you. Again, thank you all for commenting and I'll see you in the next chapter, hopefully soon.

Chapter 18 hint: This isn't a band but a person; he is a rapper who's stage name is the initials of his first and last name, he was also greatly influenced by Eminem. The name of the song is in the title of this chapter.

See y'all next time.